Writing Feedback / TOELF-should children play computer games [5]


Does this first sentence NOT reveal what she will write about and what her feelings on this matter are?

[Also, Yun, it's: "it is not rare to see that many children trapped into their virtual world of bloody computer games". Sorry, it somehow slipped the first time.]

Essays / 'Hitler's War' Essay - description of World War II. [3]

Uh, it is usually hard to ask for such interpretations because the chances that someone might know something about the source you referring to are pretty low. How about you write a demo essay and I'm sure you'll do get some help with that! ;D

But of course this isn't something you would really like to hear.

What is "Hitler's War" supposed to be? A film? A book? A metaphor?

What I could find out (besides "Hitler's War" the game) is that there are two books with with this title. One is a biography of Adolf Hitler by David Irving and the other one is a a novel by Harry Turtledove. I haven't read the books, but that's where Wikipedia comes in handy.

Harry Turtledove wrote a series of novels entitled "The War That Came Early". The first book was carrying the same title you have been given. The events are being presented from the perspective of soldiers during the years of 1938 and 1939.

But I suppose that it is the other book you might be referring to since that is the one to have caused the most controversy. According to Irving, Hitler was not that bad of a man. Apparently, he declared war due to the circumstances the Allied Forces created. It is also being mentioned that he was not the one to order the Holocaust; two of his subordinates prepared it (more or less) in secret.

Another interesting fact about this book is the decision taken by the publisher to remove anything that claimed the Fuehrer had no idea of the Holocaust being organised in the background. The writer used the opportunity to accuse historians of doing a lousy job researching events of such great relevance. All in all, Irving tried to absolve Hitler of some of Germany's mistakes that have been attributed to him.

I really avoid making a concrete decision here. I have not read the book and I am no expert on WW2. When analysing a historic event I think it is best to read general impressions on the war and then look for two subjective opinions, a pro and a contra one. And, as I said, it would be perhaps best.

What to search for regarding the book: reviews at that time, some more recent opinions and some biography on the writer.
Regarding WW2: in this case it would be perhaps best to look more closely at what was happening in Germany. And some facts on Hitler's family too.

I hope this helps! Good luck! :D

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]


Well, time is a measure unit. It is a scale we, humans, came up with to determine evolution/deterioration. As long as there's movement or energy there is either evolution or deterioration.

Scientists have not fully explained how the universe was born, however they hope to come closer to understanding the Big Bang with the particle accelerator. As far as I know, they have managed to recreate the primordial particle, a primitive particle that was revolving around the universe before the Big Bang. Also, well-known Stephen Hawking had another pretty neat hypothesis: as well as water bubbles appear when boiling water, there were perhaps some energy fluctuations in that space that may have intensified to the point of exploding. Yes, this isn't an explanation, but to me refuting the work these intelligent people do trying to elucidate the mysteries of our world by just saying: "It is god that made this happen." ... it is just wrong.


Superior by what scale? It is absurd to classify god or spirits as superior because, whether you like it or not, the biggest part of the world around you is not spirits. You need this material world more than you need a parallel spiritual world. However, this can lead to a long debate. Anyone could say that we are emotional, not rational beings, hence the perception of our world is not always the same, and I am not here to quarrel.


Ha ha, knowledge is a human's drug, ajit. If we are satisfied with the world around us, if we stop questioning what we see, what we hear, what we believe in, if we wouldn't struggle to improve, then we wouldn't be human.

If there is a deity out there that created the world and us, then perhaps that god was aware that it is in our nature to turn away from him and to chose the hard way. We, humans, are nature too. How can the extent of our mind suddenly not be then?

Another thing about the paranormal: If spirits and gods are indeed superior (by nature) then ... why don't they try to better life on earth? Not for me, I have everything I need, but I suppose children dying of cancer would be loving to be able to live. Is everything paranormal hating humans? Do they even have some sort of power to change our world or punish us? If they do punish us, then that means they are not so different from us, so they are actually what we should be afraid of? And if we are afraid, that means we have to live entangled by not existing rules?

A quote for you, I know you like quotes :P

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

Great essay :D ... I agree with you on some level, but not fully. I wish I could, as I already told you, but ... pif.

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]

It is absurd to call any god superior. Mostly because shrines and churches and temples are nothing but profane. You cannot infuse objects with spiritual power. Rituals also are nothing but formalities without necessarily reflecting the purity or the seriousness of the believer.

And I think it is important to notice this because no person today, I believe, will love a god more than he/she will love his/her own family. The theory of agape in Christianity and ahave in Judaism underline the fact that loving the creator of the world should be the first on a human beings priority list. Allah translates to "the loving one" leading us to believe that he is the one to hold the pure shape of love.

Eastern religions do have a more human approach to love. Bhakti (Hindu) more clearly explains what it wants from the believer: worship and love and engaging into your own enlightenment. It puts what is happening in you, your manifest of belief in your soul above orthopraxy. In Buddhism, the right love is the one who reconstructs your self and also helps other beings around you.

What most of these religions (excluding Hinduism) have in common, is they ask you to put the higher purpose of your existence on the top of your list, the afterlife being clearly highly important. Not believing in a religion does not necessarily make one ignorant, but perhaps more honest about himself/ herself.

Can anyone say they are believers? To be a believer you have to venerate, to love, to put before all others the god(s) of that specific religion. If not, you aren't a ... veritable jewel, so to say.

You might be right about the time thing. I only said what my personal view on it is. For me time does not represent distance even though they are obviously related. For me time is my scale of measuring some aspects of my existence. When you say you are 10 years old, you most definitely do not mean distance :P Regarding the "light years": "A light-year [...] is a unit of length, equal to just under 10 trillion kilometres (1016 metres, 10 petametres or about 6 trillion miles). As defined by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), a light-year is the distance that light travels in a vacuum in one Julian year." A light year is employing time indirectly to calculate distance; that's why I don't believe you can put a big equal sign between time and distance. If you take it this way, you could say "The store is 1 km away." as well as "The store is 10 minutes away." Instead of saying: "The galaxy X is 10 trillion km away, you say "It's 1 ly away."

I have no idea what relativistic mechanics are ... so mya ...

To me yoga is science. It is actually one of the most advanced workouts ever. The theory of manipulating energy is also pretty darn amazing. :D Really tones the ass and legs.


On a book on my desk there is a quote by Albert Einstein: "Dostoevsky gives me more than any scientist." Albert Einstein was fascinated by the human mind and ... he also lived a time where most Jews strongly turned to their religion. I would avoid taking him as a strong example.

But here some statistics: 60-93% of scientist unions are made of atheists. [A lot of sites out there with varied numbers.]
Stephen fucking Hawkins is an atheist. He writes: "The question is: is the way the universe began chosen by God for reasons we can't understand, or was it determined by a law of science? I believe the second." He adds, "Because there is a law such as gravity, the Universe can and will create itself from nothing."

Why don't scientists try to bring people back to life? Because there is no reason to do that. The planet is overpopulated and there are far greater problems than resurrecting the dead (like cancer or hunger).

There is also no interest in creating a creature as smart as we are. It is much better to use the money we would invest into such an research and actually train other humans to cultivate their intelligence.


Yes, more precisely, this reaction first occurs in the nerve cells (or sensors when we're talking about lesser creatures) where it generates a different signal that what every specific cell was expecting. Every organism will try to adapt itself to current factors of the surroundings in order to survive. The brain is the center of processing data. The information received from the nerve cells will be then sent to the organs and the muscles to adapt accordingly. Upon more intense impulses of the surroundings the adaptation might lead to a different protein synthesis in the organism, modifying the DNA structure. Hence a species of tigers many many years ago evolved into a dolphin. [Dolphins are cute :3]


The fact that there are churches and temples is the proof to why the superior god isn't omnipotent. If he were omnipotent he would have at least managed to keep the same religion all over the world.

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]

Oh, you're getting aggressive :P ... I am sorry if i was offensive, but just like you believe in a godly presence, so do I think differently. We could debate over this a lot, but know that I'm not not trying to prove anything. I respect people who believe in a god or who say that there is too much beauty in this world to explain it all by mere reactions or physical phenomena. An if you choose to ignore what I said, that's fine too. But just because I choose to search for an explanation among the sciences does not make me a bad person or an idiot.


That is wrong. Before the Big Bang there was most definitely matter in the universe. Actually, 90% of it was dark matter with the important characteristic of dark matter is to generate a very great gravitational force which lead some to believe that, alongside the dark energy, have produced that explosion.

And why shouldn't there have been energy in our universe all along? Perhaps "god" is exactly that; a metaphor for energy.

Ok ... so that teacher said that we were lucky the universe got created. Yes, well it was a probability. You think when you bet that there is a god to decide what will happen? No, there's always a probability. And you know what is still depending on probability? Miracles, unexpected healing. They rely on probability as well. And if after several heart attacks you get to live, well then you were lucky too. The fact that it is unbelievable is just another thing.

Black holes are awesome. They are the ones who created the universe if you ask me and the ones to destroy it all in billions of years. The Big Bang as essentially very hot and dense energy exploding and spreading in all directions.

The make the universe contract and, perhaps after some more billions of years, that whole energy will exploe again into a new big bang. Yes, yes, my theories are not reliable, but whatever.

Writing Feedback / Less than half of high school graduates with a diploma. - an essay [6]


Oh, you just made me remember my history teacher that left this year!!! He was the best teacher ever, he made me like history and we talked about anything with him. He didn't even punish my classmates when he caught them smoking weed. He was a bitch when it came to grades, but overall a great teacher.

I feel that you learn most of the times from what you experience outside classes, from what you read, from your acquaintances and from your parents. But not the kind of "mom tells wise words". Most of them expecting you to take care of them when they are old and impotent of doing anything, so they tend to push you a lot and restrict the small range of freedom that you have. I know they mean well, but driven by instincts they fail big time. Sadly, I can count the open-minded parents I know on my fingers.

Thanks for your comment! :D

Writing Feedback / Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test [6]

Hei there! :D

First of all, I suggest you go over the tenses again. You could make a table or draw an axis and then put that piece of paper somewhere you will see it all the time. Tenses can be hard to understand, but they are worth mastering.

Also, always keep in mind the essay structure (introduction, body and conclusion). Try to write this essay again and give it more depth. Don't make it just about the roads in Chorleywood. You could explain perhaps how this helped the community develop economically and socially.

You don't have to be a grammar pro to figure out how to write a half-decent intro. Perhaps it would be better to avoid juggling around with sentences; keep things simple and try to imagine taking steps. You will build a sentence one step at the time.

i.e.: The illustration demonstrates, from 1986 to 1994, the changes and development in Chorleywood which is a village close to London.
Chorleywood, a village close to London, has shown remarkable change and development between 1986 and 1994. [step 1:What is Chorleywood? step 2: Why are you bringing it up?]

______________
* - "spiral"(vb.) = 1. to assume or cause to assume a spiral course or shape 2. (intr.) to increase or decrease with steady acceleration: wages and prices continue to spiral (I would rather use this if you must talk about finances and such.)

Writing Feedback / 'Medicine, technology, and lifestyle changes' - The 21 century has begun [2]

Hei Aysel! :D

Your essay structure is flawless and you definitely have thought of some strong points to make your argument. However, there are some mistakes that you should try to correct.

I noticed quite a few times throughout your essay that you start introducing an argument uncertain of a fact and then continue in a very confident tone. Here an example:

We wish they will be able to find out outlets for the most incurable diseases. The number of patients will decrease.
When you "wish", you do not know the outcome of future events. That's why you shouldn't boldly state that patients will get better. You can only hope they will get better.

The second most improving field is medicine. I think that, as in ancient times, new drugs and medicines will be produced.
Again here, but now you start off very confidently and then you go soft. If you know that the second most improving field medicine is, then mention perhaps a revolutionary drug that has been discovered.

What I am trying to say is: rethink your paragraphs! Start off with a fact that backs you up. This will also help you work on coherency.

It isn't incorrect to use words like "things" or "stuff", but they are not particularly good looking in an essay. Try to replace those words with more concrete nouns or subordinate clauses.

Good luck! :D

Writing Feedback / Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test [6]


Well, aleaf, when you write an essay, you write it for a reason. Perhaps, you find the subject interesting, perhaps it's a matter you can relate to [we exclude the "it's-a-test" option here]. The point is, you want to transmit a message and the best way to do that is to maintain a classical essay structure. I think a conclusion is very important. If you've seen "The King's Speech", perhaps you remember that last radio broadcast about the beginning of WW1. And it's ending, the conclusion, was the most powerful part of the king's (um) essay. :)


Oh, I have problems with word limit too! What I personally try to do is focus on quality, not quantity. So, I mention the most important aspects I must take into consideration and -if there's any room left- I add the most relevant details. There's really no other option here than really trimming your ideas down to the core.

However, if it's not a serious essay you can, of course, just play around with words. :D

My Romanian teacher gave me some great advice last year: "A good writer keeps things simple." And most of the times honestly, simplicity can be your best ally.

Undergraduate / Kenan-Flagler Business School essay help. How to begin? (Two choices) [3]

Hei, Kurt!

Here some suggestions:
1. Past experiences have proven me time and time again that no team can function properly without it's people, without a common goal, without motivation. But sometimes, somewhere along the road people slip. They want to give up their goal, they lose their motivation. And I have learned that the one to bring them back on track is a leader.

2. One I was engaged in a Calc II Maple project with fellow colleges. We were required ...
3. A plumber always needs his wrench or else he would be impaired. He must fix pipes and drains and installations and make all the nuts and screws stick together. Similarly, a team must achieve a common goal, a team must be organized and strong, a team must be a team. Similarly to the plumber, a team needs something to keep it together. However, it does not need a wrench, it needs a leader. [Ugh, I chose a bad example, but you get the idea. Compare the relationship leader-team to something else.]

Now, let me be honest: Anyone could start your essay for you, but the words that will suit you best will be your own words. If you feel like skipping an intro, skip it, jump right into the matter and talk about your project. If not, then write one.

I know it can be hard, but think about how you motivated others to finish that difficult project you want to talk about. Now start kicking your own ass and write an essay already! If it doesn't turn out well the first time, it's no problem, we're here to help!

Good luck! :D

Undergraduate / "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all" Common App Essay [8]

Hei Mary! :D

You shouldn't worry that much about your grammar, your English is gorgeous. The essay has a perfect structure and you definitely have your way with words.

Don't take this the wrong way, but bullies aren't bad. Any species follows a process called "natural selection" with the purpose of getting rid of inferior specimens. The reason bullies are perceived as bad is because we are being thought that violence is bad. It should not be a matter of stopping bullying, but teaching kids how to deal with it; teaching them that it is necessary sometimes to bully the bullies back. You know, for the sake of their own sanity and such. However, that is just my opinion.

Good luck! :D

It was just another day. I was eating dinner and watching the 6 o'clock news

I could see how the words were painfully pinching her skin in pain .

I was extremely proud like a teacher that had accomplished theirher task.

It was a glorious moment in my life and it will always rest in my memories.

Undergraduate / "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all" Common App Essay [8]

You did show what you intended to, but I personally cannot relate to that. In my experience, no bully ever stopped when he was asked to stop. You can only shut a bully up by bullying him back. However, as I said, this is just my very own opinion, it doesn't change that you have written a very good essay! :D

Oh, yes, I totally forgot to mention this: you must edit your essay and say how this experience prepared you for the future. Because from your essay the reader understands just one thing: you are hardcore! So add some more depth to your essay by making this whole story shorter and also mention some of your goals!

Undergraduate / "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all" Common App Essay [8]

Um, it's good, but I still think you should develop that idea in a whole paragraph.

Writing Feedback / CLEP - Individual Opportunity: Myth or Reality? [4]

Wow ... your English is so beautiful!!! I only found few mistakes aside those you corrected yourself. :D What I would do however is I'd go through the essay again and try to trim it down. At the beginning especially you used "opportunity" and "individual" quite a lot. However, some people are ok with repetitions some are not. It's up to you honestly.

However, let me point one thing out. What about a situation where the circumstances are favorable for a certain individual, but are completely unrelated to his past actions. Is opportunity in this case still just a state of mind, a myth? Perhaps not. Maybe opportunity depends on whether one is able to notice it or not - or simply said if he or she is able to make a right choice. Maybe opportunity is just obvious to some. Maybe it chooses to be mere luck, maybe it's just a way to describe optimism. But a rational human being will not base opportunity just on hope or dreams. Just a thought. :)

Each individual in every moment of their liveshis/her life exists -- you are referring to "each individual" (singular).

Hitler's' view -- you don't need the second apostrophe.

But , alas, -- interjections must be delimited by two commas when they are in the middle of a sentence.

Good luck! :D

Research Papers / Making a hypothesis on technology in the point of view of the 3 fields of social [2]

Well, it is obvious you are on the right track. And I cannot say more honestly. :)

But if you would ask me, new technology is not the primer factor in culture change, it does not work against it. It is, if you like, a symptom. The change happens inside a human mind. We cannot say culture change is something bad; on the contrary. It is pushing us towards discovering, towards beauty, towards being human.

A fundamental example to support this is the evolution of human himself. Homo sapiens is known to have begun spreading from a small area in Africa throughout the whole world. On the other side of the sphere we have the homo neanderthalis who, conservative by nature, decided to keep living around the small region it has always been living around. What happened is the lesser species went extinct. As they spread, humans conquered the whole world and as a mean to adapt and enjoy themselves they incarnated what they saw around them and what they felt through painting, through music, through religion.

Technology is not working against culture, it becomes part of it. And whether we like it or not it represents us, humanoids of the 21st century, the best.

This is just a thought, so you don't have to take it seriously. You should write after all something arguable. :) Good luck!

Book Reports / Writing a monologue for the crucible [5]

Hei there! :D

I haven't read the book you are talking about, I only bothered to google a summary and a character study. So if I'm not accurate, then do not listen to me.

From what I've seen, Reverend Hale is the type of person to seem to know what he's talking about, but actually be clueless. He bases his "scientifical" theories on superstitions and mythology. However, he feels guilty of not having been able to save people from hangings.

Now the last part does seem really interesting and I would personally like a personal monologue in this case better. Imagine him in deep despair after (perhaps) witnessing these hangings. I would talk about him coming to realize that his existence is a fraud. He wasn't able to defy and punish the Satan of their world and nor was he able to save innocent people through prayer and reasoning with the judges. Perhaps he might also conclude that the devil is in each and every person. Or something like that. :)

However, perhaps you should search for a part of that play that really impressed you and start from there. Let your mind wander off and image a set of additional circumstances and try to empathize with this character. I don't know for sure how much the play allows you to do that, but it's what I would normally do. It's just, when you develop your own ideas it usually turns out better! :D

Good luck!

Book Reports / Writing a monologue for the crucible [5]

I think you should pick the one where it's just his thoughts. However, it should have a structure!!! Even though you are allowed to play around with sentences and ideas and such you must still be coherent. :)

Writing Feedback / Factors to broadcast good news and bad news-ielts task 2 [4]

Hei there! :D

I really like your essay. Below are some corrections.
Good luck!

good news should be given more priority than bad ones .

rather than trivial news or rumors about private lives of some celebrities. -- Are you kidding me? I found out about Kim Kardashian's wedding from the evening news a whole country watches. /:) Not to mention there are so may news sites and channels and magazines that focus only on celebrities.

the duty of newspapers and the media is to reflect the truth. -- All news reflect the truth, so that's not the problem. The problem is what part of the truth we decide we want to see.

traffic accidents. -- I would use a full stop, there is no need for a serious pause after that enumeration.

[new para] On the other hand, too much bad news can make people become optimisticpessimistic and lack beliefs in life. Therefore, good news is necessary to direct people toward kindness, good luck and happiness.

If too much good news is reported on TV or in newspapers, [...]

In conclusion, I think that there should have thebe a balance between

Graduate / "a clear career goal that I am passionate about" - PA application narrative [3]

Hei there Robert and welcome to EF! :D

Let me just quickly mention a small mistake: Upon graduation offrom high school, ... The rest of your grammar is really beautiful, as is your essay. You have covered absolutely everything an application essay should cover - in my opinion at least.

The only thing I didn't like so much was the fact that it's pretty long. Now, I don't know if you have a word limit to reach or something, but I think you can imagine that people handling admission essays won't have the patience to read long essays. Try to compress it just a little.

Also, I would try to make the intro a bit more catchy. Not that it is dull as it is right now, but I think an extra kick in it would make it better.

Good luck with getting into the school you want! :)

Writing Feedback / Factors to broadcast good news and bad news-ielts task 2 [4]

Now, what don't you like about it? It's an essay on media that tries to analyze facts in a concise way. It is a really good one when you think about its length, the good structure, about the fact that you introduced both positive and negative points of view.

I am not familiar with the maximum length of ILETS essays, but I would say if your essay were longer, you could develop your ideas more and then perhaps you will feel like you've done a better job [since you would get to say everything you want to say].

But then again, don't get too harsh on yourself. You're essay was fine!

Hm, I don't know if finding an example for para 2 would really be that important. I mean, unless it was something few people can relate to, then yes, and example would have been ideal. However, I suppose anyone knows what you mean, so don't stress too much over it. :)

Undergraduate / FEAR - Comm App short answer about extracurricular activities. (1000 maximum) [4]

Hei there! :D

First of all, decide before starting to write an essay what tense you will be using. You get confusing right from the beginning where you first relate in the present tense, but then the second sentence wanders off into past.

Also, while you recount that experience so well, your writing lacks a deeper perspective. A college application essay needs to reveal some of your future goals. How about mentioning a career option that interests you?

Good luck!

Book Reports / Character Sketches in the novel To Kill a Mockingbird [5]

Hei Shannon!

What exactly do you need help with?

Letters / school records specialist-cover letter [6]

Hei Kathy! :D

In my opinion, you shouldn't talk so much about things already mentioned in your resume, but rather jump directly into the matter. By the time someone reads your first para they might not be as eager to continue following you.

Again, in your second para, you talk about abilities that you have probably already enumerated in your CV. [Oh, if you are still working for the company you mention in your first sentence (in para 2), perhaps you could write everything in the present tense because when you switch to present in the middle of the body it sounds weird.]

Perhaps you could rewrite the letter and then have it checked again. Good luck!

Graduate / My path to the Post-Bacc in Pre-Health Program at UPenn- Admissions Essay [4]

Hei Jeremy! :D

Your essay was amazing! To be honest, when I first saw how much you wrote, I thought it would be just another one of those boring essays, but yours was so easy to read. Despite some few mistakes I found, this is one high quality piece of writing.

Good luck with your career and everything!

... I reflected upon the role the doctor played in my recovery . Intrigued by the doctor's role in my recovery , ... -- This repetition doesn't sound so good.

In the forth para also, you repeat "human" and "body" quite a lot.

Yet with each repair, my desire to become a doctor growsgrew stronger.

The realization that I couldn't fix everything came while serving a mission for my church. -- You already realized you couldn't fix everything when your tibia got broken. Perhaps you could change the wording a bit so you show the difference between your first and your second revelation.

I knew that there must(/had to) be some untouched facet of medicine ... -- What you wrote isn't wrong, but "there had to be" sounds better to my ears.

I witnessed the great impact I had to mendon broken hearts as I soothed their pain and restored their hope ... -- to have an impact + on + obj. I don't think "to have an impact" can be followed by a verb in its infinitive form.

... and [I] couldn't rationalize with the thought of spending my life tilting glassware and mixing chemicals under a red light in a drafty fume hood.

to diagnose problems

I have come a long ways

Writing Feedback / Memo: title change of laborers in network maintenance section [2]

Hei Mohamed! :)

Below are some corrections.

The j ob title of sewerage laborers needs to be changed to reflect their work of the laborers in the network maintenance section. currently there job title is sewerage laborers which needs to be changed to network maintenance laborers.(The current title needs to be changed to "maintenance laborer".)

[new line]SoTherefore, I kindly request to formalize this change. T heir new job description will be forward ed short ly.

Graduate / "Academic success" - Speech Therapy Graduate Admissions, APA, 6th Ed [2]

Hei Carolyn! :)

I googled "Writing in APA format" and those are the two links that seemed to be the most useful, do check them out and let me know if that is what you think you must do.

my.ilstu.edu/~jhkahn/APAsample.pdf

ehow.com/how_5388845_write-apa-format-sixth-edition.html

From what I have read, APA format complements research based essays best, so perhaps you could include some facts in your essay. But how about you show us what you wrote and we can check it out together?

Writing Feedback / Parents or school,which would be the one teach children in social skills [2]

Hei Zhang! :D

Below are some corrections. Perhaps you can retype the essay to get more familiar with some of them. If you have any questions feel free to ask them. Good luck!

When it refers comes to the fierce controversy about the school or parents ,which who should take responsibilities to teach children how to be good members of society is still a question.(Who should take responsibility in teaching children has been a controversial issue for a long time now.) Some people deem that it is parents who should be the ones cultivating their children because parents(/they) are the direct supervisors of their children, whose performance represents the education approach of their parents.[I get what you mean, but it's hard to agree with you. You are talking about an exception from the rule; in most cases children are not a mirror of their parents when it comes to learning.](In contract* , some)On the contrary,/ On the other hand,others, maybe some busy parents,(/many busy parents) argue that it is definitely the obligation thatof the school shouldto pay more attention onto the developing social skills of students, because they haveare being paid for it. In this essay,_I'll(/ I will) discuss both of thepoints of views .

For public, It is common to think that the relationship and communication between parents and children is essential to the children becoming who they arewill be in the future (who will they be/what will they be like in the future? specify). We have known so many examples that theof children with a promising future dropping out fromof school due to lack of attention from their parents. Parents who act as children'stheir childrens' first teacher in their lifelivesgave their childrenthem a profound effect on the children's whole life(/provide them with a solid moral foundation and support). Education fromreceived at home is ( absolutely)would be the vital one to the development of children.

However, most of us(when you say "most of us" you include yourself in this group) think school,_ should be the one which making the students become more comprehensive after ten or more years or even longerof study. Specifically, not only should the school teach students about the knowledge of books, but also teach them some social skills in term of moral, polite and regulations(/but also help them develop a better sense of moral righteousness). The all-around development is so important that promise students have a bright future (?). Take me for examples ,_ living in the university make me didn't havegive me enough chances to learn something from my parents,_whilebut my university just supplies me with good opportunities to make myself(/to help me) become more competent. [This is not such a good example, if you were to ask me. You're already (or at least you're almost) a grown-up as a college student. You have theoretically already learned the things parents should teach you. While on topic, there is a clear difference between the education school provides and the one your parents bring you up with. First of all, most parents are of conservative nature and tend to use the same methods their parents used on them. A teacher on the other hand should be the one who stimulates you to think for yourself. And by doing so you will inevitably escape the parental supremacy. My point is, one education does not compensate for the other.]

All in all, both the school and the family should take the responsibilityto make the children learn how to act perfectly in the society(/in bringing children up to become valuable members of a society). Cooperation is a must for the development of children.(/In this case, cooperation is key.)

____________________
* - contract (noun) = understanding, agreement (enforceable by law)
*- contrary (noun/adj./adv.) = opposite in nature or character; diametrically or mutually opposed: contrary to fact; contrary propositions.
*- on the contrary (idiom) = in opposition to what has been stated, from another point of view

Essays / Music and Politics - how to write this argumentative essay? [6]

Hei Samuel! :)

I have never in my life heard someone ask for a text to be in an "industry standard format".
When I typed "industry standard format" into google, I have also stumbled across "common industry format" or "CIF". To that there is more reference out there. From what I have read about this it's a format that supposedly best complements a report; by that I mean, it's properly structured, it looks professional and it is also easy to follow as you read through it.

I'll put the link I found best here: zing.ncsl.nist.gov/iusr/documents/cifv1.1b.htm#_Toc467573738.
And there is an example of what a CIF report looks like.

But if you want to be absolutely sure you do a good job, how about you ask the teacher that assigned you this paper what he means by "industry standard format". This way you cannot go wrong. :)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Facts I discover from my health care experience and my childhood - common app [4]

Hei there! :)

Below are some corrections. It would be best if you would rewrite it and then put it up for a second correction.

Perhaps you might want to check some of the prepositions some verbs require. I know they can be really annoying at times, but you end up using them a lot, so it's an important part of grammar to master.

Also, keep in mind that when you are referring to past events in an essay you must be using the past tense. Take the time to make a short revision on the simple past and the past continuous, since those are employed most of the time.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them.
Good luck!

* - to expend (vb.) = to use up (e.g.: They expended time and money on their project with no result.)
*- to expand (vb.) = to increase, to broaden, to grow in extent

Writing Feedback / Study foreign language at overseas is beneficial or not agree or disagree with extent [2]

Hei! :)

I do not know what the body of the essay looks like, so if what I will say may not take some information you included in it in consideration, please don't mind.

First of all, I feel like the conclusion omits one fact, in my opinion. When it comes to studying abroad, I think it is important to mention the differences in education between first, the second and the third world. Because most students aim at obtaining an education in the USA or in western Europe where the schools are known for their academic reputation. So, this you should definitely include in your essay; by "studying abroad" one generally refers to "studying in developed countries".

Perhaps you could include the body of the essay and we can take a look at that too.
Good luck!

Nowadays,T o a certain extent, I must agree that there is an increasing numbers of people who prefer to study at foreign location is accumulating day by day especially in English language (/to learn a foreign language, especially English, by studying abroad). However, I also do not believe that this not is the only solution(/way)of learning a language(/to master one). Some people seem to believe that learning a language is very easy at home country. (/Some claim that learning a language in one's home country might not be as hard as believed.)

In brief, to hammer in the final nail, I would argue that the benefits of a learning a foreign language at overseas outweigh the drawbacks, therefore students will keep continue studyingat foreign locationabroadfor their bright future(/in order to have better chances at a bright future).

Letters / school records specialist-cover letter [6]

Sorry for answering so late, but here I am!

Now, I like the intro better, however you must polish it. You cannot just throw some stats in, you will look like a person who is there for the facilities and not the actual work (so to say).

Letters / school records specialist-cover letter [6]

Hm, well, the more I think about it the more confused I get. However, I suppose both are correct. I just went with the way I'd say it. So, you can leave it as you please. :)

Graduate / (the field of Oncology) Statement of Purpose Masters in Physician Assistant [3]

Hei there and welocme to EF! :D

I really enjoyed your essay. Perfect structure, proper length and an original introduction.

However, I am not really liking that third paragraph where you break the flow of the essay with that long enumeration. From what I have read, I saw you also send a resume along with your statement of purpose, so perhaps you should leave some of the "cold" facts out and talk more about how you felt upon discovering so many things. Imagine the last two paragraphs as the boom! of your essay. They need to make the reader jaw-drop. So, work a bit on the fact:emotion proportion.

..., her breast cancer began to spiral out of control and, despite several rounds of chemotherapy, led to ...

Likewise, I feel, and believe my accomplishments demonstrate,(no comma here) that I hold the maturity, aspiration, and capability to perform exceptionally well in this field. -- I don't get the "likewise" at the beginning. Likewise in what way to what previous statement? Also, I'd leave the colon after feel out there's no reason for it there (I'd actually cut "feel" from the sentence too, to avoid a slight repetition.)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Ruben! How can I help you?" - common app essay 768 words [3]

OMG ... I love this essay, too bad you had to trim it down, you can see the places where it has lost on flow a bit. :(

However, while this is such a wonderful piece of writing, it is not a common application essay. Letting the length aside, you must imagine the application process as a way to sell yourself to colleges. This essay is supposed to be advertising you. So, what do I know about you from reading this essay? That you are a person who likes to listen to somebody, a person who likes to look past the exterior. But what more? In order for it to be super-appealing to an admission office you need to take into consideration some other facts like, for example, revealing some of your future goals. It is important to describe your emotions, but there must be something more than that. :)

the boy that had, at 11, already been arrested -- "at 11" doesn't sound so good. I know you teacher corrected it, but maybe it is also because you say "7-11" at the end, but to me, it doesn't work so good.

Oh, I forgot to say hi, so: hei and welcome to EF!! :D And good luck with this essay!

Letters / My teaching (tutor) experiences - Cover letter for a faculty position [4]

Hei Maria! :D

You seem to be such a beautiful and driven woman and that is something you want your essay to reveal. But, as you might already know, there is something more to teaching than where and how much you have learned and practiced. A job application will always require you to send a resume and this letter. Why do you have to send both? Because the resume is a boring piece of paper that actually can say very little about the person behind it. So, what the CV lacks you must reveal in this letter. I understand you must talk about these "cold" facts, but do mention what feelings you experienced throughout this learning process.

And I'm sure you know, that unless you're talking to a robot, communicating on an emotional level with someone can be way more powerful than any degree or diploma.

If you do write a new draft, perhaps it would be better to work with that one. :)

Good luck!

Graduate / (technology innovation) GETTING STARTS ON UMDNJ SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY FOR DPT PROGRAM [2]

Hei Anastasia! :D

It is obvious that this assignment requires you to do some research, so start googlin' terms like: "biomedical engineering trends" or "medical recent discoveries". Get familiar with what you are going to talk about and see what fields you can cover whilst still looking for "technology innovation".

What you mustn't forget throughout your essay is to not jump directly into explaining bold stuff with complicated medical terms. Perhaps it would be better to start off by offering some examples; like: a device that will allow doctors to analyze the patient's blood instantly or a means of transportation so fast that transplant organs could reach destinations 3000 km away in few minutes. I don't know ... the idea is, let the reader become familiar with what you are going to talk about.

Personally, I think it is interesting to look into biomedical engineering since machines are the first thing a person things about when he hears about technology. So, based upon the research you have vigorously done, you can explain current trends and assume what future days might look like for humankind. At this point, really, you can let your mind wander off (a tad).

Good luck!

Poetry / "The Red Wheelbarrow" by Williams Carlos Williams [2]

Hei JaNaye'! :D

Based upon the notes you wrote in class [if you need some further help then I'll gladly read them], make a plan. What are the highlights of the poem, what is so special about it. Also, do a short research on subsistence farming.

I don't know what your teacher expects from you, but to me it appears logical that the farming part should be the main focus of your essay, because ... um, if you were to compare the poem in a whole essay just to that it would get exceptionally boring.

In the intro you must explain what subsistence farming is because someone might not be familiar with the term and might not perfectly understand your comparison.

Your body will introduce this poem to the reader. First of all, you will develop the notion of "subsistence farming" and add to it by explaining how it impacted American economy.

In the next paragraph you will start talking about the poem: what it means, perhaps mention the writer and his background so that it gets a shape. You can then continue by comparing the two.

And then the conclusion will sum everything up.

Now, perhaps you can write a draft and we'll take a look at that. :) Good luck!

_______________
Personal comment:

With regard to the inspiration for the poem, Williams wrote that it

"sprang from affection for an old Negro named Marshall. He had been a fisherman, caught porgies off Gloucester. He used to tell me how he had to work in the hold in freezing weather, standing ankle deep in cracked ice packing down the fish. He said he didn't feel cold. He never felt cold in his life until just recently. I liked that man, and his son Milton almost as much. In his back yard I saw the red wheelbarrow surrounded by the white chickens. I suppose my affection for the old man somehow got into the writing."

Not to be an ass, but this is such a bullshit assignment. How can someone in their right mind ask you to analyze an economic aspect of development by massacring a poem?

Also, your teacher seems to be ignoring the fact that subsistence farming is an agrarian concept that is widespread so why not talk about it in general (and use an appropriate text to do that)? Even nowadays, a lot of countries practice this form of growing economic plants (during the Neolithic Revolution around the equator, Mexico, the Andes, South East Asia, Papua New Guinea, Northern Africa, Latin America; plus, it has disappeared in North America since the '30).

Not to mention that the poem does not refer to this, but, being dedicated to a certain someone admired by the writer, one can deduce that it is about the hard work and the affection the poet had for that person. In the poem I do not see any parallel drawn to farming theories. The warm tone and the sort of stress that lies in some words make me imagine someone looking above the fence in his neighbors garden one rainy day and seeing a man work and feel somewhat ... respectful. Personally, I'd look at this poem on a more "human" scale, and not dissect and assembly it in some manner so it would mirror an agrarian evolution in the "homeland America".

Now, if you don't care about grades, write about whatever this poem makes you FEEL like. A poem shouldn't be something that must affect our rational senses, but it is something emotional. However, if you care about your grades, do whatever your teacher expects you to do, but always, always try to think beyond that. :)

Undergraduate / "Fifteen Seconds" Influential Person Essay - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A [4]

Hei Trevor! :D

Do not worry about the indentation, no one cares about it because I figured you just can't do it. So it's cool. Welcome to EF!

What you wrote is great, but it just won't do as an admissions essay. You need to impress the one reading it and at this point all I get to learn about you: you're faith is strong and you have discovered a role model. But what about you're future goals? What did you see in this man beyond his religion? Try to add some perspective to what you have now.

Also [I don't know how important this is], but since an essay should have around 500 words, I'd say you write a little more. That way you can improve a little the level of suspense. In such essays, it is better to strike the reader at the end. An introduction must be captivating, but you shouldn't go mellow afterwards. So, after editing, ask yourself whether or not this essay makes you think: "Wow, what a kid ..."

A short comment on your intro: I think the first sentence sounds kinda "chopped", it doesn't flow very well.

I'm not saying this isn't a "revealing-enough" piece of writing, I just believe you can do better. :) Make sure to post another draft when you're done.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people are losing their moral values [3]

Hei Minh! :D

While I enjoyed your essay, I think you might have omitted one thing. Perhaps you are familiar with the theory: "Man is not born evil, but society corrupts him." I think it is futile to stress about problems on the surface and not attack their roots.

Also [and this is just a thought], have you ever thought about the fact that morality could simply be relative? Every person will try to forge his own set of moral values; vegetarians will consider that eating meat is cruel, feminists think that everything male is stupid, and so on. And I am sure you know, there have been many criminals throughout history who believed that killing people is the right thing to do. For example, Christians. They believed it's ok to kill scientists, homosexuals, pagans and people who opposed their belief. Is that moral? Well, according to their belief, yes. So, perhaps, our morals are not being lost, they simply change. Perhaps some people have come to realize that the only way to be respected and admired is through being rich. And, at this point I'm asking you, can they be blamed for that?

Research Papers / Assignment of Australian Business Law (Contract Law, the TPA & Sales of Goods Act) [2]

Hei there! :)

I've seen this thread remaining unanswered for a while now, so I am just going to tell you what I am thinking although I slept through all those classes in 7th grade when I should have learned something about business and finances. What you're going to read is what I personally think, so don't go too "it's not what I was looking for" on my ass, ok?

To be honest, the assignment is pretty straight forward, all you need to do is your homework. So, start reading about the Contract law, the Trade Practices Act and the Sale of Goods Act; perhaps you could also check the Australian Consumer's Law out. Basically, you want to find laws that will help you satisfy your customer. Can you find among the above mentioned laws and acts something that will help you defend him in court? Yes or no?

The result of this research you'll have to put into a normal essay with intro, body and conclusion. If you manage to find out that you can defend your client I suggest you adopt a confident, slightly aggressive yet diplomatic tone in your essay.

Good luck!