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Posts by menukagrg
Joined: Nov 12, 2011		 Last Post: Apr 12, 2012
Threads: 7
Posts: 98  

From: Nepal

Displayed posts: 105 / page 2 of 3
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menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'favorite pair of shoes' - Connecticut College Supplement- Community [7]

I really like the suggestions made above. Some things are redundant. Maybe if you have more word space, you could add some more details and split up the essay in two? I love specific details (it's just me).You can explain one event where the sense of community played a vital role in your life. But i think it will be hard to do with your choice of topics. What do you think?
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App: "Sign Up - Student Council President" [7]

Your essay is really good and your grandfather is super inspiring. :) Some things that crossed my mind were:

1.You used "instead of" twice in your second passage. I am guessing you were trying to be dramatically consistent, but others might think it was redundant. Maybe you should put something else on the second "instead of.

2. "even when my horse suddenly bursts into an uncontrollable cantor"- since the first part of the sentence was in past tense, i think the second part sounds better in past tense as well. " ....suddenly bursted..."

3. Again, i do understand why you broke up passages in three parts in the last bit. But how about putting all three in one?

4. I get this all the time as well on my essays so i kinda cringe when i say this but do you think you could work on your last sentence? I love your essay so i feel like it needs better ending.

"Whatever scares you - sign up for it," - ridiculously amazing. Who would have thought i would learn life lessons in essayforum. haha. All the best to you.
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Satori through Fishing" EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES ESSAY [10]

I am glad you liked it. :)

I understand what others are trying to say with focusing-on-you part but i guess appreciation of nature, or the extent of emotions during fishing could be enough to show your personality. But i really do see why others might think it's not enough. Personally, i like these types of mellow essays.

Feel free to make edits and i will try to help further.
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

I think i am just confused (all my fault, not because of the essay). I thought you listening to Kelly clarkson, before, was a way of showing your move towards independence (you know because kelly clarkson was something your cousin would never listen to and since you were trying to impress him more, you never listened to her as well, even though you liked her). Is this correct? If yes, then why wouldn't you be able to name her songs?

I hope you understood my confusion. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "How the hell do i do it" Transfer essay to Smith [12]

Ya, i do get the feeling that the last paragraph needs more of an "oompH"(whatever the hell that means) but i am out of ideas.

It's great to hear to from another nepali. Where do you live? Oh, and i see you have written an essay. I will definetely check it out.

Thanks for your comment. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

Massive improvement on your second essay. Really love it. One thing i was thinking is the kelly clarkson reference. You write "I put on Kelly Clarkson's new album and loved it all the way home" and then you write "I can't name a Kelly Clarkson song to save my life". A bit misleading. Maybe change the ending sentence. Also i am not sure if some people will get the reference about Kelly (Love her though).

Hope this helped
Good luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Scholarship / 'Before I came to America..' - the need and how to contribute to living environment [5]

Gotchya. Even though those might be the specific questions, i think you still need to show that you excel in education and your financial situation has impeded your progress, your dream. Anyway, here are some grammar mistakes.

Before I came to America, I had realized that my parents don'tdidn't have enough money to pay for my 4 year degree in United States. They cancould afford my 2 year degree. Due to my cousin providesd me free food and place to live, my parents don'tdidn't have to pay for my living expenses. However, it seems that now I and my cousinmy cousin and I cannot get along with each other. As a result, I have to rent an apartment in order to continue my education in America. This matter certainly will increase my parent's expenditure since they have to pay for my food and apartment rent. If I cannotdon't get a job on-campus and anyor a scholarship, I will not be able to finish my four year degree.

By studying in American college as an international student, I have contributed diversity to my living environment. I have shared my experience when I was living in IndonesiaIndonesian culture with my American and international friends. Some of my American friends had never heard of Indonesia before, so I described to them where exactly Indonesia isexplained them in details about Indonesian life . In addition, I also introduced some simple Indonesian's food to my multicultural friends.

To conclude, my financial crisis was caused by unexpected problem which can affect my education progress. As a result, if I can overcome this problem, I can get better education in United States and contribute diversity to my living environment.

May i ask which university are you applying to? I kid you not i had the same exact issue. When i couldn't live with my cousin, i rented an apartment ( san francisco) which was uber expensive. After couple of months, i became broke and came back home. Now it's been almost a year since i have not gone to school. Currently i am applying to schools as an international transfer student. International transfering is ridiculously hard and the financial aid is so limited. Are you transfering or just applying for aid in the same college? Sorry, about all these questions. I couldn't help but ask since i went through the same thing.

Work on your essay a bit more and I hope you get the scholarship.
Good luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My two years of hope' - Uchicago/Yale/Harvard Supp Essay [8]

I liked the essay but after it was over, i was also thinking what you actually found. I really do love Levin's idea about putting "I found something..." It makes the ending stronger and helps you stay in touch with the question.

Some questions i was just wondering-

Did you apply to 10 different schools?
Do none of them have application fee waivers? If it is not mentioned in the website, you could still ask if they can waive the fee because of your financial situation?

The schools should have them if they have generous aid. And i am guessing you are applying to those types of schools.
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Scholarship / 'Before I came to America..' - the need and how to contribute to living environment [5]

I am really sorry but your essay isn't very special. The content of you essay is very similar to thousands of international students' stories (including mine).

You have to tell the school that you are different. No sob story, nothing. Show them that you are active, intelligent, caring, someone who is worth a scholarship based on ability, not desperation or need (even though the latter might be true)

"I have contributed diversity to my living environment"- almost has a cocky connotation. The school knows that you have contributed to the diversity.

Try writing about how your major/education is going to help others, and probably some hints about your economic condition but not focusing it.

Hope this helped.
Good luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

I think yes, late assignments should receive lower score. As a college student, one has to be very responsible and be upto date about assignments. Even if a student has a problem, the professers make sure that you get plenty of time to organize so there is no excuse. Noone should be given special treatment except in case of severe accident or something.
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why I Joined MUN (Model United Nations) EC Essay - Common app [7]

"while other people"- Suggestion: while others suffered

"I learned that day that if I can make a difference here, I can make a difference in the real world. That's why I joined MUN"- "here" meaning where? at the conference? For some reason, i don't like the latter part. It makes it sound as if the difference you made "here" isn't worth or something.

All in all, your essay is very good. You could probably use some "strong" words since the content is very strong as well.

Hope this helped. Good luck. :)
Is this extracurricular essay? If yes, can you read mine as well? Thanks.
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not ashamed of my duties' - CommonApp - I am japanese [9]

Chong is right. The opening is a bit weak. Why don't you give the readers a vivid imagination of the Janitor? Give him a shape where your essay will be based. Make him sympathetic, yet mysterious. And then include the conversation you had with him, in which you first realize the enigma of work.

I hope this all makes sense. Try doing a revision and i can look it up again.

Good luck :)
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Barnard College Supplement- one woman to talk to, [6]

I know, Smith is my dream university but i am applying to Mt. Holyoke too (which is also pretty awesome). Love'em both.
Super duper Best of luck to you!!!!!
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "You're Lucky"-Stanford Roommate Letter-Is it too vague? [16]

I also think that you should keep the sleeping reference. Like everyone else, i would have loved to read it with paragraphs, but i get what you are saying.

"Unfortunately, cooking is not a passion of mine, but I'm sure we can find a way to grab a bite." - This line isn't really needed so if you want to cut something for more conciseness, you can delete this line.

Good luck
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Essays / My sat score got cancelled [11]

Your essay, there is nothing wrong with it but it doesn't look like it's going to catch the Admission's attention. The way you wrote it looks a bit too simple for a college application. To make the essay more personal, you should try focusing on the additional year you had to take. Insert some vivid events, emotions, to lure the readers.

Hope this helped.

Good luck.
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / The ugly princess. Common App Essay [10]

I discovered myself through the brush I held and I discovered myself through the figures I drew- Suggestion, maybe cut out the second "I discover" to avoid people from thinking it is redundant. I know what effect you are trying to create (i like to do the same too), but others might not get it.

They were indifference- They were indifferent

All in all, very nice essay. :) Best of luck
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "How the hell do i do it" Transfer essay to Smith [12]

Dear Grammar Nazi,

You have no idea how much of a great help you have been. I really appreciate you taking your time to read and make all those corrections. :) Thank you so much.

I will do a revision with your suggestions and pretty much replace my wordings with your corrections. And also think about something else to replace the lofty christian comment.

Thanks again,
Ps. I also love the word "ballyhoo" :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Flushed' + 'I am exhausted' - Extra Curricular activities essays [15]

First essay:

I teach english classes to people who never went to a boarding school. In my country, only students who go to boarding schools have a fairly good idea of how to read, write and speak english.

Love both of your suggestions.

Second essay:

I know, the ending bit is very weird i must say. I was trying to say that i had been smitten by the surroundings so much that i had made up my mind there and then to be a part of Habitat for Humanity from there on, something like this.

Ps. I have no idea what song it was. It was a country song and Tim Mc graw is the only one i have heard of. I might actually just put a random song there.

All in all, i absolutely appreciate all the effort you went through to make corrections and i assure you it won't go to waste.

Thank you so very much.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / (mess on my desk) roommate essay + (my apologies) five words that describe you [6]

God, I absolutely LOVED both essays. They seriously had me laughing and it's 2 in the morning so consider it as an achievement. :) If i had to choose one, i would go with the latter one but i really love "Kant touch this" bit the best. Try mixing up both in one letter. I would have loved to get a letter like this from my wouldbe roomate.

Also, i am torn apart between 2nd and 5th. Really can't choose between these two.

Seriously, best of luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "You're Lucky"-Stanford Roommate Letter-Is it too vague? [16]

I'm ready eat almost - ready to eat

Your essay is hilarious. I did LOL (i hate saying that) on the "perhaps of equal importance" and "watching me sleep" part.

I actually read someone else's essay on the same topic. His/Her essay was longer. I love the way your essay is but if you could make it longer, maybe you should.

Good luck.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Grammar, Usage / SENTENCES GRAMMATICALLY AND CONTEXTUALLY CORRECT? [4]

Yes, i second Koolz. The 3rd one is misleading. Either it should be "he matches" which is don't think you mean to write, Or it should be "His ____ matches". There is gotta be something in the blank.

I hope it helped.

Good luck.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 500 words essay - Independence and Curiosity [2]

stiffened, then frozen- froze

lesson without clearly understood - understanding

The moment I got home, I threw my backpack aside, climb onto the wooden desk, and eagerly open my books- climbed....opened...
Suggestions: It sounds better as " The moment i got home, i would throw my backpack aside, climb..."

made me got onto peoples' nerves- get into...

understand what I need to nor able to improve my own knowledge- what i needed to improve....

always help me to become - helps me...OR which has always helped me to become

Hope this helped.

1. Not a lot of thing. I know that you are inquisitive and you had a hard time as a student because of not so friendly environment.

2. Don't really know what the message was but i know some about your hardships. You weren't specific about how you overcame it so maybe work on that more.

I wish you the best of luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The Veterinarian Profession' - Vet Camp Admission [4]

The second essay is fine. There seems to be quite a number of "want to get" type sentence starters. So maybe work on that.

The first essay needs to be more personal, something i only got at the last four sentences of your essay. I don't know how literary you are allowed to be, or how technical you are suppose to get but if your essay is meant to show your passion and not your experience, then i think you should start rewriting your essay. If it is otherwise, then you should still write better sentences. The intro passage isn't needed. The word "Veterinary Profession" is being used a little too often. I hope this isn't too harsh.

I am sorry i am not much of a help. But let me know if you have questions.

Best of luck :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Barnard College Supplement- one woman to talk to, [6]

Your essay is really cute. I do understand what Quinnie is suggesting. Try doing something else with the first sentence.

Are you applying to smith too? I am asking because i want to transfer there but transfering is a pain in the ass. So let's see.

Anyway, best of luck.

Also would love to get your feedbacks. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

Hi Zhoe kelly,

I have read all the comments here (took me quite a while). First of all, i think your initial essay is superb. I also love the second one where you changed the last sentence. Second of all, reading IS an extracurricular activity. I don't know why some people don't think it is. If it is not, well, you made it sound like one. The suggestions are nice but the essay is already good to alter too much.

Good luck.

I would also love to get your feedback on my extracurricular essay. Got two. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM" [23]

Dear Fellow reject,

I also got rejected by middlebury. I was applying as an International transfer student. Oh well, things happen for the better, i hope that's true.Anyway, there weren't any super mistakes. I would love to read your other essay as well.

One small tense mistake.
family is inside worshiping. - family were inside worshiping.

Good luck
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]

American side dictated I had the freedom - American side dictated that i had the freedom (is easy on ears...whatever that means)

the answer was always because- the answer had always been (grammatically correct but i don't think yours is wrong either)

I met an overwhelming chorus of objections.- Zhoe made a good suggestion but it is actually perfect the way it is. It sounds stronger.

Your essay is really good, love the ending sentence. I know all about the strict asian teacher beating the crap out of students so my heart goes out to you my fellow abused friend. Goodluck. I also recently got rejected from a school, so i know how you feel. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Essays / My sat score got cancelled [11]

It just depends on how well you justify the cancellation. Why don't you write an essay first? Any topic, i personally think, is worth writing an essay about as long as it stays true to your character.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Flushed' + 'I am exhausted' - Extra Curricular activities essays [15]

First one:
"Can I shit?" With a calm aura but flushed up red cheeks, I smiled and muttered, "Ya, sure." After a hustle and bustle of bag packs unpacking in the room, I looked up at my student and said, "Next time, say, can I siiiit, okay?" After a puzzled look from everyone, I continued, "Well, shit means..uhm...something else" and yes, went on to explain further. As an English instructor whose class consists of students from jaunty high school graduates to shy housewives, from modest ex-soldiers to upbeat media students, this incident is just another fun memory. I love my job. Not only because of my passion for teaching and the language itself, but also for the vital role I get to play in my students' transition to the new world, a place where speaking English has become a ticket to liberation, thanks to globalization. The camaraderie I experience among the students trying to decipher English language is very valuable to me and something I feel lucky to have witnessed.

Second one:
I am exhausted. I feel numerous drops of sweat traveling throughout my body, teasing and tickling me. I look around. I see other people sweating equally, some hammering their thumb instead of the nail, couple clumsily doing it more than once, some frightened to climb up the roof, some horrified to come down. All of a sudden, I hear everybody violently belching out to Tim McGraw, unfortunately, not in unison, and then arrives a roar of laughter. As a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, I realize, this is what I yearn for; this wonderfully placid allegory of camaraderie. There is not a single hint of picayune problems lurking over anyone's face. I observe the haggard looking yet jaunty students conscientiously working to build a home for families they've never met. Restoration of compassion and hope takes over, humbling me and everyone else present. I realize I am determined be a part of this exhilarating project for a long time so I smile and keep on toiling away happily.

Ps. I had actually submitted the second one when i applied to a school couple of months ago. Now i am applying to Smith, so i was wondering if i should submit the first one, which i wrote about an hour ago or the old one. Let me know. Constructive , not so constructive , all feedbacks are welcomed. Thank you, as always, in advance.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "How the hell do i do it" Transfer essay to Smith [12]

Hi kotari Aoki,

First of all, "I can never write like you" ahh, i have read your essay twice, and i think you do. :)

Second of all, i don't know. I am pretty sure there isn't a word limit for transfer essays but 500 - 750 is preferred.(read in about.com something)

The first essay is a bit too long but it is quite important (to me that is) because it is actually when i decided to drop out from school. I will try to think of some way to maybe reduce its length. Cohesiveness is a bit of a problem. The paragraphs and the details make sense in my head but i can see why readers might think it is not. I will see it again. I got lots of time until i submit my essay. But all in all, THANK YOU so much for your critic.

Hi Xia,

I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I definetely need it. haha. It gets a bit frustrating to apply to these schools abroad. Sending things and paying for transcripts and all is a big pain in the ass. Sometimes i think about just quitting everything, then i realize what i want to do and everything looks not-so-bad, for a while.

But thanks again.

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