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Posts by collegesearcher
Joined: Dec 13, 2011
Last Post: Dec 27, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 20  
From: India

Displayed posts: 23
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collegesearcher   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'It's not solely about the academics' - Emory University [3]

Way to go Andrew! You have some brilliant reasons to study there. It shows that you've done your homework and researched Emory University rather thoroughly!

Just a little revision:
However, to me, attending university is not solely about the academics. However, attending Emory is so much more than just academics, as far as I am concerned.

Also, think of a catchy title for this. That will be like polish on the gold, if you get my drift :)

Good luck! :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]

Wow the second essay was really good and to the point.

However, I think you can make a few changes to your first essay and make it more... vibrant. I think that the "Why X" is a trick question; rather than hearing praise of the University that the Admissions Officer already knows is brilliant, he wants to know why YOU think it's brilliant for YOU. As in, what makes YOU interested. Every essay question is means to know the applicant, rather than the University. See? Hope this helps!

Good luck :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the part we choose to act on' - BROWN: MOMENT WHEN PERSPECTIVE CHANGED [7]

Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed.2000 characters

Since June 30, 1997, the world has been divided into two equal and opposing Newtonian crusaders: those who love Harry Potter and those who don't. There are people whose eyes light up, mouth drools and spirits lift at the very mention of the beauty, and then there are those cynics who believe that this series is the sole reason for psychedelic-advancement and mental putrefaction, heresy, and "Magick Moste Evile" (written by Godelot; imparts depravity about the Darkest magic). The evening I finished reading the last sentence in the last chapter in the last Harry Potter book ("All was well."), with tears streaming down my cheeks, when a batch-mate piped, "How on earth can you stand that?" I stared at her, and I realized that after reading this, I would never be the same person. I had changed, and Potter did it.

Formerly I was a devoted believer in the singularity of psyches. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants peace, and everyone wants to be rich/famous/brilliant/unopposed/an overall achiever. However, my friend's impulsive statement made me rethink. Are all people really the same? Does everyone really have the same dreams and ambitions? Doesn't everyone work for nothing more than having means of getting to everlasting happiness? Harry Potter, and the impulsiveness of my friend's comment made me wonder. Apparently life is about a lot more than being "happy" or "successful" or "rich". It is about the psyche we choose for ourselves. As Sirius says so beautifully, "...the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

I am worried that it's too generic, or maybe that it doesn't answer the question. Please help! Thank you (in advance!)
collegesearcher   
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / 'This triple victory in soccer' - achievement, risk [3]

I have been playing soccer from the age of five, and overtime I have developed an immense passion; love for the beautiful game.I have been playing soccer from the age of five, and over these long years I have developed an immense passion and love for the beautiful gameOvertime means extra hours at the end of work or a game, and I don't think that's what you meant! Also, the semicolon use was incorrect.

Since then I have represented Stella Maris Preparatory School, Ardenne High School and Meadhaven United FC in competition.Since then I have represented Stella Maris Preparatory School, Ardenne High School and Meadhaven United FC in competitions .competitions: plural

This triple victory has only positively impacted my life. This triple victory has had an immensely heartening impact on my life."Impacted" is correct, but not really safe, so save the word for when you're talking about teeth :)

I now feel much more confident that I will get an opportunity to further my education at a highly rated tertiary institution abroad as I have received a lot of positive feedback from scouts. Now, after receiving a lot of positive feedback from scouts, I feel much more confident about getting an opportunity to augment my education at a high-rated tertiary institution overseas.

Beautifully expressive essay :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Iqbal's story' - Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college [10]

I learnt from this book is that no one is too young to fight. I learnt from this book that no one is too young to fight.

It does not matter if you are aged 60 or 8 as long as you still dream. I think you should change "dream" to "believe" or "dare" because it brings out the gutsiness of the desire for freedom better; "dream" sounds a little sedentary.

Thanks to his perseverance, he was able freed and continued struggling for his cause.His perseverance freed him and inspired him to continue the struggle for his cause.

Besides fighting for our cause, we must be prepared to defend it from those who cannot understand it. Besides fighting for our cause, we must be prepared to defend it from those who refuse to believe us.

I think you can should change the title, because your essay is really moving, and the title is too bland to serve the purpose of attracting a reader's attention. Also, I guess focusing less on the story of the book (emphasize on it, it's really awesome, just shorten it a little) and shifting the spotlight to your trip to Kenya would have an altogether different impact. Your Kenya trip showcases your empathy, rather than your sympathy. That makes all the difference!

Other than that, "Wow" is all I can say. Good luck :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Answers--clever or whatever? [8]

I suppose you could do a lot more with the first topic. Yes it's a little negative, and I guess college people are actually looking out for cheerful bubbly people. Not that it isn't brought out in your fourth answer; being spontaneous is a good thing. So try to include that in the first topic. Hanging out with friends and being creative can intertwine, as in, you can say that with a team of friends, you would like to cook a batch of chocolate chip cookies, see what I mean?

Also, the second response is left hanging in mid-air. You look like a lion. So? I mean, what about the fact made you feel like you've been complimented? So yes, explaining *with mysterious undertones, to add to the drama* would make a world of difference.

Good luck :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "My Sister" - Common App Essay [10]

Oh that was beautiful! Really moving :)

One tiny correction:
When she arrived it seemed like that would be the last place she would venture. When she arrived it seemed like that would be the last place she would venture into. or just change venture to "enter" or 'cross the threshold of" (for a more dramatic effect) ;)

Also, "daringness" is not a word! You might like to use "dauntlessness"/"intrepidity"/"audacity" or maybe even "never-say-die attitude" instead :)

The title sounds good :D

All the best!
collegesearcher   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Making a friend on holiday (common application) [7]

...said the girl with exotic looks. said the exotic-looking girl.

I learned that it was disrespect to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music. I learned that it was disrespectful to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music

With a cheesy smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day.With a superior smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day."cheesy" might not exactly be the most appropriate word here :)

Also,Chidinma is right. By saying that "Zara was the complete antithesis of the average Nigerian", you sound like you have defined a stereotype and are relieved that Zara is <phew!> not one of "those people". Change that advisably.

Good work :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Hostel living (the environment you grew up) [3]

Hey! I have spent five years of my life in a boarding school too, and I know exactly what life out there is all about.

I agree with Shakirat; you have drawn all the focus to your school's routine and mannerisms, and not enough on "how it has shaped you". Try intertwining both aspects and write it more dramatically (not pretentiously, just more strategically). Also, I think you should remove the word "communalism" from your essay because it can be misunderstood, as communalism also means allegiance to one's own ethnic group rather than to the wider society, which can make a reader perceive you as antisocial and maybe even intolerant of other ethnic groups.

Nice honest essay though. With some touch-ups here and there, you would be good to go :)

Take a look at mine? :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Living with mystery' Emerson Supplement: A moment in your life you had a realization [6]

Wow! That's really well written :)

Just one tiny detail though:
My world often consists of the two-foot radius around me. It seems so easy to get lost in the human day-to-day experience. since you have spoken in your own context you might want to develop on the "me" part with some examples of how you used to be limited to your own surroundings, but that changed when you had this experience.

Good luck! :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan' significant experience- Common App [7]

In 2001, my mother, my older brother, and I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan, not knowing any English. n 2001, my mother, my older brother, and I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan, with barely any knowledge of the English Language.

With only two small suitcases full of childhood memories, such as my favorite pillowcase with a green cartoon frog smiling back at me when I lay my head down, I was off. With only two small suitcases full of childhood memories (such as my favorite pillowcase with a green frog which smiled back at me whenever I lay my head on it) I was offI personally think parentheses give the essay a more personal touch, and this solves your structural problem too!

I wondered what it would be like to live in America and how I would master the new language of English. I wondered what it would be like to live in America and to master a totally new language.

The culture I left was as different from the United States as the weather was that day. The culture I left was as different from the United States as the weather was that day

You might try to make the end a little more effective as it seems to go too abruptly.

Really vivid and well-written essay though! Good luck :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Hey dude' essay for Roommate - Stanford app [10]

That is interesting! Though yes, colleges advise against inappropriate and excessive usage of humor. So you might want to tone down the whole shebang a little. :)

I do--except soccer. I suck at soccer--and my country revolves around it I do--except soccer; I am pretty bad at it--and my country revolves around it

please do not be bewildered with this: I started to drink coffee when I was two months alive. Yeah, two months alive please do not be bewildered with this: I started to drink coffee when I was two months alive.Yes, you read correctly. Two months!

Good job; your roommate will be quite happy to share a room with you :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED' - SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE AND IMPACT ON YOU [6]

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. 250-500 words
I have focused on the "experience" part of the prompt. Every word in this essay is true, and it also one of my UC essays. The essay has 484 words, including the title. Please tell me how to work on improving the essay! Thank you :)

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The day I was honored the post of the School Counselor- a position the School Government that is loaded with intense responsibility- I actually realized how much my life had changed, and how much I had changed as a person. My epaulettes inspired me to shoulder my responsibilities with tact and grace as well as respect for my colleagues in the Captain Body, along with the students of Delhi Public School. The day the Investiture Ceremony was held, I truly understood the depth in the famous Spiderman catchphrase, "With great power comes great responsibility."

My school is a rather good representative of India's population- it promises education to over 3000 students, from Nursery to 12th grade. With over 250 students in one batch, and the only student School Counselor, my post has been a full-time job. It often required missing classes (and getting ticked off for missing classes), but it was so emotionally fulfilling that although people suggested resigning, I never quit. This was something I loved doing- solving problems. When a 6th grader would come to me for something like "she hit me!" or when a 12th grader would come to me to ask for, say, drug-quitting advice, I knew that the time I was going to give the person in front of me was going to be time well utilized. There are a lot of issues that students cannot take to parents or teachers, and I understood that even before I took up the post. There have been instances where I made slip-ups, judged people from what they told me, even behaved unprofessionally, but I never refused to help. Which is what, I've been told, made people think of me as approachable and trustworthy, an opinion that I take as a gigantic compliment.

Being the School Counselor had often been misjudged as being a "spy" for the teachers. I am proud to say that I broke that assumption, to such an extent that even a few teachers came to me for counseling. There was a time when a teacher told me that he was having marital problems, which were affecting his temper and teaching, because of which he was on probation. That was one of the most satisfying experiences I have had, because, after talking to him and pushing him during the course of several sessions, he managed to sew his personal life together and detach it from his professional front.

I learnt a lot about human behavior and child psychology from this position. It gave me a bird's eye view of what a person faces inside and outside of school, and a worm's eye view of what the "big bad world" could be like. I learnt perception, sensitivity, initiative, involvement, leadership and management at close quarters, and I know that even after several years, I would remember a fellow student's shining eyes after the "mission accomplished" with a smile.
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Common app a topic of your choice - 'It's normal to die.' [2]

I am really sorry about your brother; I hope you find solace and secure admission to the college of your choice. I came across some grammatical errors that you might consider:

In fact I'm certain that he has impacted this world in ways far beyond what he could have imagined. n fact, I'm certain that he has touched this world in ways far beyond his imagination.just tried to reduce the wordiness and added a comma. also, using "impact" as a verb is risky and should be limited to wisdom teeth. I looked it up :)

I'm stronger than so many people who were in my place . I'm stronger than so many people who might have been in my place .

Another way we trick our brain is to keep it busy, we can just dodge thoughts and divert focus. Another way we trick our brain is by keeping it busy; we dodge our thoughts and divert our focus.

I think because I had to think about death so young that I am less scared of dying. I think that the thought of death at such a young age made me less fearful of it..

I know I'm a completely different person than I would otherwise have been. I know I'm a completely different person than what I would have been otherwise.

It also made me make a commitment to work my best and never give up. It also made me make a commitment to work my best and to never give upadd a "to" before "never give up" to maintain the parallel structure.

I still have my memories that are with him. My memories of him are still intact.

These memories are carried with me , and when I have to step back and make a tough decision, I let them guide me towards the path that makes my life best. These memories are carried with me , and when I have to step back and make a tough decision, I let them guide me towards the path that makes my life worth it."Best" sounded a little awkward, and "worth it" changes the effect; someone else might not agree, but then again, I am just making a suggestion :)

That is a really touching essay Sarah. Good work :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "My Sister" - Common App Essay [10]

I think this essay is quite touching; I really relate to it as my brother too had birth complications, though not the same as your sister's. However, I feel that, with a certain amount of formatting, had you not mentioned the topic, a reader might think that this essay is an answer to topic #3 of the Common App: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. I think you should personalize it more, without losing the sentiment. Also, try making the title a tad more creative. Maybe something like "Abby's First Breath". Just a thought :)

Great work :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I saw Duke University in the top ten' - TRINITY SUPPLEMENTAL [6]

Yes the instructions on the prompt ask me to make sure all of it fits in one page, so I emailed the Undergraduate Admissions Office at Duke and asked them for an exact word limit, but the reply said that I should try and keep it to two paragraphs at most, so.

Please help me with the formatting! Are there grammatical errors that I need to correct? Style that I need to improve? Content that can be written more effectively/directly/creatively/differently?

Thank you so much! :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / A stereotype about America essay [3]

Just a few corrections:

Americans are known for being patriotic, the people that will stand up for their country through it all. Americans are known for being patriotic, for being the people that will stand up for their country through it all. <there was a grammatical error in the parallel structure>

I have many cousins that due to the educational system, wanted to, but did not get into a college. I have many cousins that wanted to get into a college, but, due to the educational system, did not.

Are the people in my class whose parents were born here more American than I am? I believe the answer is, no. I think you can remove this last sentence and leave the question as a rhetoric because you have made your point very clearly.

America has become such a diverse place over the years. This sentence is a little redundant, considering that you have propounded this very strongly earlier.

The only thing I'm left with is "WOW". :)
Great job Kory!
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - English Exchange experience in school [5]

I really like your style, except that most admission offices focus on the content more than the style, and I agree with Nick. It should be less generic and the "why NYU" question must be answered more directly. The way you started the essay is good; try to diversify without digressing.

Great job, all in all :)
collegesearcher   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I saw Duke University in the top ten' - TRINITY SUPPLEMENTAL [6]

Prompt: Please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

I felt that my essay looks like I have inadvertently abused my thesaurus and that it is slightly generic. However, I can't think of any way to remove that and maintain the effect. Can there be a better and more potent way to end this? All suggestions and critique are welcome :)

Wading through some 50+ US colleges that featured on the US News website, I felt despondent. With tears of anger and frustration I saw Duke University in the top ten. "Sounds familiar", I thought to myself as I clicked on the link, only to fall through the rabbit hole straight to Wonderland, where everything is possible.

Coming across Duke University incited the childish feeling of fitting the last piece of a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle; this is it. The lush green campus and picturesque Gothic buildings, the city of Durham with its unpretentious suburban culture, the smiling faces of the students and the faculty, and most of all the brilliant and positive take for the development of tomorrow's leaders really made me feel like I have found my niche. This feeling was empowered strongly when I read about the variety of topics that research was conducted on. The prominence of research work at Duke University was obvious when I came across several articles on different websites and journals about the breakthroughs made by the faculty and students at Duke University on an almost daily basis. A deep-rooted desire for answers to just about every question that may pop in my head made me deeply appreciative of the emphasis that Duke placed on developing today's solutions to yesterday's problems, to make a better tomorrow. To conduct progress, not for the sake of progress, but for the meaningful purpose of enhanced education and stronger, increasingly polymathic people in the next generation is an educational philosophy at Duke, clearly embodied in its stress on interdisciplinary courses. Duke University clearly mentions in its website that it requires students who are curious, funny, enthusiastic and stubbornly resilient about their cause. I appreciate, propound and revere that. I have craved for a place where I am stimulated to grow in every way, where I can open my mind and not be afraid of crossing manmade boundaries, where I can really push myself beyond "the limit" and let myself be. And I believe Duke can be all that, and much more.
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