Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Daybreak
Joined: Dec 14, 2011
Last Post: Dec 16, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 32  
From: Mexico

Displayed posts: 35
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / "Three reasons"----Why Harvey Mudd College Essay [5]

I could not bear to foresee my life in one year. Predictable things can be boring.

However, I won't have to worry about any of this in Harvey Mudd, where I would never be able to tell what I will be (doing?) next month, next week or even next morning.

The rigorous courses and excellent professors and peers (will?) enable me to take myself out of my comfort zone and reach for my limit.

It's said that Harvey Mudd students have to throw their pillows away because with so much work to be done, there is no time for sleep . I am just anothernight owl who will fit in perfectly in this school.
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / "Three reasons"----Why Harvey Mudd College Essay [5]

as guided by an unknown force and led by my intuition.

Choose one! If you know it's intuition guiding you, the force is no longer unknown (I know you might mean two separate forces, but it doesn't really come off that way.)
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'academic rigor that accommodate me' - Common App transfer essay [6]

Even in high school, despite the academic competitiveness, it was a difficult for me because there were not any classes for violin and Chinese and I had to study them on my own routinely over the weekends.

My early training on the violin allowed me to excell far beyond the basic fundamentals of music that most music majors at LCC only begin to touch basis on for the first time.
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'For whom would you risk it all?' - ESSAY FOR UCHICAGO [7]

Yeah, that's better :)
Also, the beginning is a bit strange, here I suggest an alternate.

What people often say (about life?) is true; what is said about how life, the interactions of people, and the incorporeal bonds formed between them are all more than just superficial encounters, meaningless moments in the grand scale of existence. Author Flavia Weedn once said, "Some people come into out lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on out hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Graduate / 'the best real estate program in Korea' - My personal Statement [4]

My father was a chief (what do you mean by chief?) in the branch of the Korea Housing Bank. He was in lending the mortgage products and managing the risks on the securities. (This sentence is very confusing... I'm not sure I know what you mean.) My father frequently told me that the real estate market was on the move. Consequently, I have been vaguely interested in learning about the real estate market in order to become a real estate person. Unfortunately, my family fell into debt.We hadTo square the debts we had to use our (small?) fortune and subsequently had to move into a small and shabby place subsequently .
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Short Answer about voluntary officework [6]

a lot would like to do

Should be 'a lot of people'
My mistake!

As for the end, you could try quickly elaborating on the people you met. That sentence seems to come out of the blue, too suddenly.

Maybe you find the 'all in all' part to technical, your style seems to be less structured. You could try, 'It may not be the greatest job in the world, but it's a good enough job, and I've found that the benefits are worth working for.' Or something along those lines :)

Hope I helped.
Good luck!
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Short Answer about voluntary officework [6]

conditioner were customary to me.

I think you could try 'are' since the detailed description before makes it to understand you're remembering the exact moment. Just a suggestion, not necessary.

Feeding a computer names...

Maybe: Feeding names into a computer... the sentence structure makes it less confusing (again, not strictly necessary.)

isn't a job people would want to do

isn't a job people a lot would like to do (you seem to be generalizing; who knows? Maybe there's someone that enjoys it.)

especially in their free time

especially during their free time

all in my free time at school

all in my free time at school

accomplishment; in addition to that, I made friends with a couple of students and teachers.

accomplishment. In addition to that, I made friends with a couple of students and teachers.

The essay is pretty good overall, though I think that's a pretty poor conclusion. If you didn't talk about it in your whole essay, perhaps it shouldn't be the definite end? Maybe you could say something like 'All in all, I found that I could get many things out of working a job many people would consider dull' or something along those lines.

Good luck!
Daybreak   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the seventeen-kilometer bicycle ride' - Penn Optional [6]

While you explain yourself more clearly in the first one I like the second one best because it follows through with the writing style consistently (and you have such a beautiful writing style, too.)

I do like this part better from the first one:

If I could sum up the story of my life into a single day, this is exactly what it would be like.

Though I'd change 'be' to 'look.'
If you don't have any more space, though, well then just leave it as it is. It's really good.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'two weeks going around Europe' - how you have spent the last two summers. [4]

I really only mentioned the bed thing because people seem to be really messy when their parents aren't there to tell them to pick up. My room was one of the few that you could go into without stepping on something. So seeing that not cleaning up seemed to be one of the consequences of independence I thought I'd add it there. Now I can see it doesn't really work as well as I'd wish. I'll figure out a way to change it.

Thanks for your help :)

EDIT:

Hm. Do you think this is better?

I learned to be independent; I wouldn't make my bed, I would roam around campus near midnight, and I would travel to San Francisco without supervision.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I don't know.' - Common app for Princeton, Columbia, Harvey [7]

but it hampered my ability to make decisions , and lessened my confidence in those decisions .

It might just be me, but I find 'decisions' to be repetitive in these lines. Perhaps you should change one for 'choices'? Just a suggestion.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'two weeks going around Europe' - how you have spent the last two summers. [4]

Anything you think I could improve?
Thanks for all your help, guys.

Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers.

Here, it gets up to 40şC in summer. So we usually run. Not really because of the heat, it's more or less the same all the while from March to October anyway, but simply because my mom loves running. Or traveling. Sometimes they mean the same thing.

Two summers ago I spent two weeks going around Europe with my family. We ate fish and chips in England, visited a castle in Scotland, drove twice across the Rhine in Germany, biked across Bruges in Belgium, and had crepes for breakfast for a whole week in Paris.

One summer ago my family went on a trip to Disney Land. I went to Stanford Summer College instead. There was a time when I didn't understand how anyone could put anyplace over Disney. I didn't notice exactly when this changed, but last summer I packed my bags, flew to California, signed up for summer classes, and saw Disney only through pictures of my siblings smiling next to Captain Hook. I regret none of it.

Summer college has been one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I took Painting and Drawing, which I absolutely adored, and Cultural Anthropology, whose reading assignments I've gone over again and again when I'm bored. I also audited Biochemistry and showed off around my former AP Biology classmates. I made many good friends and I opened up to people like I never had before. I used to be so shy and reserved, and while I didn't become a complete extrovert either, I found it easy to strike up conversation and hang around completely new people. I learned about independence and sometimes I wouldn't make my bed. I traveled to San Francisco with a couple of friends, and around campus close to midnight. I spent hours in the painting studio, enjoying the quiet, the brushes, and the colors. My roommate, my friends, and all the people who hung out at the dorm lounge were my family for the whole summer. I even cried when everyone said goodbye, and I don't cry easily. I met people from all over the world, I almost lost my accent, and I came back a polished person; organized, grown-up, and ready to take on life.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / My journey to changing the world - Common App [7]

Being stubborn certainly has its drawbacks, but in this case I was proud of my determination and unwillingness to settle (for what? the other programs? their advice?.)

However, out of all the lives this club has changed, it has definitely affected me the most (the subject is 'the lives,' you can't suddenly change it to meaning the club. Maybe; mine has been changed the most, mine was the most affected, etc.)

The word change probably isn't the most accurate. (You could also make it: "The word "change" might not be the most accurate" or ""Change" might not be the most accurate word."

but the way I exemplify those things in my life has evolved.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Graduate / 'the best real estate program in Korea' - My personal Statement [4]

Irelatively was living and abundant lives and affluent lives thanks to ourparents who had very respectful and well-paid jobs:

---> If you start with 'I,' keep using the first person, don't change to third suddenly: "thanks to my parents."
---> "I was living a relatively abundant and affluent life..."
---> "parents," "well-paid jobs."
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'how I relate to the world' - An Intellectual Opportunity at Stanford [3]

If one applies biochemistry to the world rather than in the classroom, one can learn so much more about the world.

I think that sentence is a bit repetitive; perhaps you should try something like "...one can learn so much more about what's out there," or "...one can learn so much more about what's around us."

Or perhaps instead of the first part you could say "If one applies biochemistry to every-day life rather than just to class..."
Because technically, the classroom is part of the world.

I was amazed at how they are able to couple in a way that would maximize efficiency and productivity in organisms.

Couple sounds a bit weird here, I'd suggest 'function' or 'work together.'

Hey, I might have known you. But I forget names; I took Biochem last summer at Stanford.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Chinese calligraphy' - Rice- Unique Life Experiences and Perspective [11]

"to build bridges whenever essential and dismantle walls wherever necessary."

Who said this quote? If you are using MLA style, you should add who the author is in parentheses after the quote.

If individual student is a carriage,then university must be a monolithic train, a composition of each body. If individual student is a carriage, then the seat, table and luggage rack inside must be each one's life experience.

The highlighted sentences don't have a subject. You should add to the red ones, like the person above said 'an,' 'each,' or 'every.' As for the green one, add 'a' or 'the' before university.

Carriage is not very ideal for naming a train car. You should use passenger car, train car, cart, train cart... something more specific.

I could not forget how angry I was when I was first passively brought into calligraphy world.

--> Should be changed for 'I won't' or 'I will never.'
--> Into the world of calligraphy.
Daybreak   
Dec 15, 2011
Book Reports / 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' - Columbia-a book that's meaningful to you [5]

The limit is 1500 characters, including spaces.

On another note, I think you shouldn't start with a quote. Starting an essay with your own words would be preferable. (If you like it a lot that way though, it's not a huge problem, just a suggestion.)
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Scholarship / 'unique Puerto Rican heritage' - Hispanic heritage influenced your goals? [2]

First off I'd like to say this is a really good essay; you're writing is good and the story is even better.
I especially like the way you talk about color :)

Now a few corrections:
I'd recommend making all the Spanish words italicized, otherwise it makes the essay difficult to read (and Spanish is my first language.)
Here's a webpage detailing how to use foreign words in essays according to MLA style: daily writing tips/italicizing-foreign-words/
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Short Answer: "Tell us what you found meaningful about [The Jungle Book]" [7]

Yeah, her class is fun.
Thanks a lot for the help.
I don't like the first correction though. It sounds weird with 'spoken.'
Do you think I could make it:
"Remember, everybody knows something! Life is not about what you know, it's about how you apply it." These were Ms. Alana Woodin's words after one of the students in my AP World History class insisted he didn't know a thing about the essay topic we were [had been?] assigned.
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Short Answer: "Tell us what you found meaningful about [The Jungle Book]" [7]

Hello, all. I'd like some help with my short answer responses for the Columbia University supplements.
Don't feel obliged to read all of them, review one at a time if you'd prefer.
Thanks for your help.

Please tell us what you found meaningful about one of the above mentioned books, publications or cultural events. (I chose The Jungle Book, by Rudyard Kipling)

The skies change with the seasons, and the scents call the songs of summer. A little naked boy turns into man amidst the deep, wild bowels of the Jungle. That is the story of Mowgli from Kipling's masterpiece, The Jungle Book; my favorite book out of all my favorites. It is common to pinpoint adolescence as the time when people turn into an undistinguishable mesh of uncertainty, risk, and emotion. That is, perhaps, a bit of an overstatement. Adolescence is all about learning. And that ugly mess people keep talking about? That is just what learning looks like sometimes; like a mess that needs to be sorted out. Which brings me back to The Jungle Book, a book about growing up. I found it so meaningful because, even though I don't live in the Jungle or speak in the snakes' tongue, I'm growing up too. I find parallels between Mowgli's journeys and my own; we strive to understand a world that is not entirely logical, and we struggle with feelings we wish we could forget. In the end, I can also identify with the solutions Mowgli applied to his sorrows; confronting one's fears, turning around to fight, stepping into the lead, and holding one's head up.

Please tell us what academic class has been your favorite and why.
"Remember, everybody knows something! Life is not about what you know, it's about how you apply it." These were the words of Ms. Alana Woodin, my AP World History teacher, after one of the students insisted he didn't know a thing about the essay topic we were assigned. World History may not be my favorite subject, but it's my favorite class. Why? Because every time I step into that classroom I can't help smiling. Yes, it is a lot of work. But Ms. Alana has her own little way of adapting everything into some sort of activity. I can sing the whole overview of the Classical period to Kesha's "Tik Tok," I can review the Byzantine Empire by reading a children's book, and whenever I eat dark chocolate I remember the African Kingdoms along the sahel. Along with hearing historical references an being able, not only to recognize them, but to understand and explain them, comes a rather nice sense of satisfaction. Ms. Alana's class has taught me things beyond textbook History; it has taught me to make connections, analyze sources and texts, read in between the lines, and think beyond what is written to draw my own conclusions and observations. More than a History class, it has also been a life lesson.

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.
On my desk, a pile of lazy papers falls asleep every night with me. When I turn my fan on, they flutter and, in my mind, I see one of them fly across the room and into my hands. Unfortunately, when choosing the place you plan to spend the next four years of your life in, and that will probably give some sort of shape to your future, the answer won't levitate neatly into your hand. You must mull it over in your mind, turn it all into a pulp, and somehow straighten it out to make a decision. After looking over the pile of papers a few times, some names start to stand out. "In the heart of New York City." I google it up and when I find the Columbia University website there is one thing on my mind: blue. When I looked up the programs I am interested in and ran through the departments of the majors I'd like to choose I found so many things that stood out. When I finished looking though the Columbia University website there was one thing on my mind: I should apply. I had no doubt after looking through the research opportunities for Biology undergraduates, like the SURF, AMGEN, and NYSTEM, finding out its Anthropology department is not only the oldest in the country, but was also founded by Franz Boas, and realizing I'd be right in the middle of the Arts capital of the United States. Surely, I had to give it a try.

For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. (I chose Biology, Anthropology, and Visual Arts.)

When a storm gathers in my chest I can empty it over a canvass. Art is the window out of which I let myself out, with my dreams and feelings flung over my back. I'm a rather shy person, but art helps me lose inhibitions and allows me to connect to people. I might not have the guts to talk to the stranger sitting next to me, but when she comments on how pretty I draw, I'll ask her what her favorite animal is and I'll make a sketch of it for her. As for anthropology, my curiosity stems off the forensic show "Bones." However, I had not considered a major on it until I took my cultural anthropology course in Stanford last summer. The insight provided by the readings, the combination of history and field studies, the detailed observation that I found myself to be so good at... suddenly I wanted to borrow a bird's wings to fly off and see the whole world; I wanted to be able to understand the people in it. Finally, biology has been in my mind since I can remember. I've enjoyed learning all about it, from the tiniest molecule to the largest biome. Biology always triggered a deep sense curiosity in me; when I found dead birds I would make their wings fold and unfold until I was sure I had it memorized the mechanism. From childish games I moved into serious research. The truth is I can never get enough of it, there are so many interesting things left to learn. All in all, these choices are subjects I am sure I'd enjoy learning more about, and I'd love spending my day working on any of them.
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / How to write an admissions essay about Who I Am? [10]

Okay, how about a favorite class? Start there: I love my history class because my teacher has this philosophy where we don't need so much to know all the information, but how to use some of the information. Talk about how a certain class has helped you grow. What has pushed you toward being a more responsible or hard-working person.

You don't necessarily need BIG experiences, you just have to make your small experiences seem neat and important.
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / How to write an admissions essay about Who I Am? [10]

Ok, I guess I can try to pinpoint some guidelines:

First off, what college?

About you:

*What you like.
*What you hope to achieve (& how their college/institution could help you reach these goals.)
*Think of a few meaningful experiences that could exemplify your goals or "likes."
*Awards honors you've received?
*Read some poetry or look at some nice pictures for inspiration :)

Tell me about an experience you'd like to write about and maybe I can cook up a good example for an introduction.
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I lend a hand' - Why did you choose this field of study? [3]

Overall, this is good. I especially like the beginning. However, I do think you should dwell more on why bioengineering, which is, after all, your final choice. You explain why medicine and you explain why engineering. The you explain bioengineering by saying it's ideal because it's a combination of the two. What I think you should do next is give one more reason why you like bioengineering without relating it to your previous choices; give the career its own merit, what about it do you find specifically interesting?

As we watched our little paper aeroplane take its flight we argued on how far it would go before it falls and how we could make the next one fly further.

In this sentence I'd recommend deleting 'its.' Add a comma after flight and change 'falls' for 'fell.'

On your other essay: What motivated me to apply?
It got locked, but I thought the beginning was especially good. The way you introduced you interest for Rice was, well, interesting :)
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Graduate / 'to study at Copenhagen Business School' - motivational essay for Master at CBS [3]

Since I began my Bachelor degree here, in Targu-Mures I have sought ways...

There should be a comma afte Targu-Mures.

I would like to obtain more knowledge not just about local companies but also international ones, about the entire organizational context, not just one aspect of business management.

Again, a comma after 'knowledge' and after 'companies'. I also suggest changing 'about' to 'concerning' and add a similar preposition between 'also' and 'international' (some synonyms for about: regarding, on, with reference to, relating to.)

but also international ones, about the entire organizational context, not just one aspect of business management.

I would suggest making that comma a semi-colon or a point and starting a new sentence, perhaps starting with "I'd like to learn more...".
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / What motivated me to apply?Smalley and Bob Curl Rice University [3]

The low student faculty ratio and close contact with professors at Rice give me the chance to.

This is an incomplete sentence; motivated you to what? Also, you should write "student-to-faculty" or simply "student to faculty."

Picturing myself attending a school with top-notch architecture, rigorous curriculum and a buoyant campus motivated me the most.

Personally I wouldn't make the physical appearance of the university my strongest motivation; the research programs and engineering opportunites you mentioned earlier are a much stronger point.
Daybreak   
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Mr. Villegas' - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you... [4]

Maria de Lourdes Martinez Benavides
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Feedback, please?

Mr. Villegas
When I was about eleven years old, Don Manuel Villegas, a thick mustached man, told me as he bandaged a horse's leg in blue cloth from the ankle to the knee: "When you grow up, you should go to the United States and study to become a veterinarian, because there aren't any good horse

veterinarians in town." I'd never had such a far reaching goal before, but I immediately set down to chase it. The choices I made while trying to step closer to my new found objective greatly impacted the course my life has taken, positively influencing my academic achievement, growth, and self-worth.

Even though I'd declared I wanted to become a veterinarian when I was younger, the goal never seemed so real as in that moment when an adult I trusted and respected told me he truly believed that I could make it, and encouraged me to think realistically about how to get there. Although my parents have always supported me in the choices I've made, such as when I decided to join horseback riding classes, they had never encouraged me seriously toward such an important objective. Suddenly I knew where I had to go after I graduated from the sixth grade; I would get into the American School of Torreon and work hard to learn good English so that someday I could apply to a nice university in the U.S.A. and become a horse veterinarian.

The choice to enter the American School of Torreon opened so many doors for me that I feel truly grateful toward Mr. Villegas because if he hadn't pushed me toward the serious thought of pursuing a veterinarian career in the U.S., I might have never worked hard enough to pass the hardest admission exam for middle school in Torreon. Somewhat indirectly he taught me that hard work pays off. He taught me this same lesson many times directly as well.

Undoubtedly, horseback riding with Mr. Villegas made me grow up as a person. Taking care of a horse is a huge responsibility because your actions can determine the health of a living being. After a few years of practicing the discipline I grew calmer and controlled, I seemed quite mature for my age. Though Mr. Villegas's methods of teaching might not have been the sweetest, since he was a tough man, he helped me become the best rider I could be. Looking back I realize how fortunate I was to have him as my teacher; whenever I ride people compliment me on how well I do so, which has helped my self-esteem grow and encouraged me to keep practicing the sport I love.

Even though right now I'm not as sure as I was that I want to become a horse veterinarian, it is only because learning English and working hard during High School have opened more doors I wish I could also go through. I'm satisfied to say that although Mr. Villegas played a very important role in shaping my future, if I do choose to become a horse veterinarian, it won't be only to fulfill Mr. Villegas's request, it will be to fulfill a personal goal and to work on something I love.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳