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Posts by GraceTaylorWei
Joined: Dec 19, 2011
Last Post: Jan 21, 2012
Threads: 12
Posts: 41  

Displayed posts: 53 / page 1 of 2
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GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 21, 2012
Undergraduate / "I was 15 when I discovered that my mother read books" [2]

Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you? (maximum 200 words)

I was fifteen when I discovered that my mother read books. It happened in the springtime during my family's annual pilgrimage to our cottage. I sat in the backseat with my eyes glued to The Count of Monte Cristo, carefully positioned under the strip sunshine that slipped through the window. Just as I became engrossed, my mother turned around and told me to stop reading in the car.

"Fine, but you have no idea how incredible Alexandre Dumas is," I complained. It was only two weeks into my obsession with classic European literature, but I already felt like a refined woman of high culture.

"I finished the majority of European classics before I turned sixteen," she chuckled. I was awestruck by her revelation. For the duration of our drive, I sat in humble silence as my mother articulated the dramatic rivalries between 18th century romancers that I had no idea about. I made a mental note to be wary of overestimating myself and underestimating others. After all, I needed to recognize the greatness of others so I could learn from it; as Dumas would say, "one's work may be finished some day, but one's education never."
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 6, 2012
Undergraduate / Application Essay: "One thing friends don't know about me" [4]

The secret project, an entrepreneurial program for Aboriginal youth, was saved on my laptop, away from the curious eyes of my friends and family. Improving Native-Canadian communities is one of my hidden endeavors that I will reveal only after I have translated my passion into progress.

I was designated by a law firm to attend a conference on youth justice. At the conference, I met students from across Ontario, many of whom lived on Aboriginal reserves. I became friends with them and learned about the lack of opportunities in their communities. One of my new friends told me that only two students graduated from their high school in ten years, and the majority either drop out of school or are incarcerated.

After meeting Reza Satchu, founder of The Next 36, at a charity dinner, I became enthralled in the idea of building my own entrepreneurial program tailored for Native youth. The program will help empower them at a crucial period of their development and decrease drop-out rates and incarceration rates dramatically. Furthermore, Native youth have strong ties to their communities; when they succeed as individuals, they will most likely return to their communities to improve the lives of their families and pave the way for the next generation.

I have been in touch with charitable organizations such as the Ontario Council of International Co-operation discussing the possibility of initiating this project with donated funds. Although my project is still in its nascent stages, it's a vision I'll inevitably fulfill.
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / THE BUSINESS BOOT CAMP -COMMONAPP EXPERIENCE THAT HAS SHAPED MY LIFE [8]

wholly captivated the east African cream <-- "Dream"?
A high school graduate at nineteen; I was "the spectacle" <-- no semi-colon, comma
steeped me culturally <-- "steep" may not be best word

Overall great essay :) Good luck!
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 3, 2012
Scholarship / 'interactive clubs at my school' - subjects in which you excel or have excelled [5]

We all have something that we excelled in, whether it is school subjects or communication skills.However, something that most high school students seem to struggle with that I feel I have excel in is balancing mytheir curriculum with extracurricular activities, social life, families, and jobs. Most high school students are familiar with the lack of time and pressing deadlines. Overridden by the increasing flow of school works and other urgent dilemma, a student must learn to manage time effectively and efficiently. Unfortunately, there are no manuals or synopsis to which a particular student can adhere to for time management aid. To be efficient and productive as possible in time management, I had to set my priorities and manage commitmentcommit to my objectives. Time management is something that demands critical analyzing skills, therefore I had to put in recognitionrecognize my time-wasters and determine the time in which I undergo my peak energy level in order to get tasks done quicker.(This is very verbose, be more direct)

I am involved in many interactive clubs at my school where I have to be dedicated and devoted to the clubs' activities, most clubs events are usually the same day so I felt a necessity to re-evaluate my time management and schedule to a place where I could balance and fully devote my time to each club to avoid stress. A calendar is the main arsenal in time management because then I could arrange and plan my school works, clubs meetings, club activities, sport practices and meets, and work schedule in an array. As a National Honor society member, I am expected to demonstrate proficiency in the following areas: scholarship, leadership, service, and character, so I have to illustrate commitment to the club, my school, and my community in and out of school. This requires sacrificing my Saturdays to help others and it is something I adore and take pride in. National honor society is a club that takes the most involvement because we frequently go out in the community and help out, whether it is a car wash for fundraising to pay budgetary needs, working on community projects, making library bookmarks for the local elementary, or a moment to cherish with the erudite elders at Tuscany villa retirement home. I am also in Interact Rotary club and Key club, where every year we participated in a relay for lifeCapitalized and many other communities inspired activities. Being in many clubs and other extracurricular activities such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes club, Foreign Language Society club, soccer, track and field, and Cross country, I had to establish methods to utilize in order to ensure that my time was well managed. I had to create a management plan in which I could maintain study, family, personal life, work, social, community service, home duties in equilibrium. My family consists of seven children in whomwhich I am the fourth, so I am depend onresponsible for my younger siblings. Sometimes I would have to cook and do chores, then go to work in the afternoon, it was vital to me to determine what tasks should be done first so I could manage a time to do my academic practices and care for the house and my siblings. Adopting new management skills is an essence in maintain counterbalance between all the activities in my life and something that I could put in consideration in the future.

During my high school career, I have come to realize that the best way to manage my time was to identify and learn what has wasted my time in the past. In order to do that, I had to logically analyze and evaluate my current management skills and isolate areas in which I need to improve. An adjustment onin my management skills would requires controlling and budgeting my time to put it to better usage. Eventually, I had to gain control of my time in order to assess my time management skills which involve setting my priorities and goals. I began to set new goals, whether it is to accomplish tomorrow's upcoming assignment in 20 minutes, identifying my short term and long term goals has helped me overcomes procrastination, which is a major factor in creating my success . Time management is critically essential in succeeding in life because in life, people encounter with multitasksmultiple tasks that need to be done in an inadequate time and thatmandate management and control of time to avoid any kind of stress, reduce pressure and procrastination.the last sentence is a bit awkward

So one persisting problem in your writing is the tendency to be redundant. For example, "critically essential". I would advise you to go over it, correct some obvious grammar mistakes and cut unnecessary parts out. Other than that, I like the fact that you have a clear message and demonstrate your experience in time management.

Good Luck :)

By the way, please take a look at my USC essay and tell me what you think!
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / (power outage / the supplier / liberal education) - University of Southern Cali [4]

Hey guys, I really need your honest help on this one. To me, it's funny, but perhaps to others it could be horrific and strange. I'll help edit yours in return of course!

Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.

I hear the ticking of the clock. I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark...

It was another power outage, but fortunately I had reserve battery on my laptop. I continue editing my stepfather's marketing script on behalf of his company. Just two years ago, he was asking me for company name suggestions; now, his language school business collects over 250 students from around the world. I, the unpaid secretary, was thrust with tasks that included designing a company logo, replying emails, and writing letters. I became a part of the business body: when the company faced woes, I was troubled; when it grew, I felt the same sense of pride and fulfillment that compelled my stepfather to become completely devoted to his work. It wasn't long before I was irrevocably captivated by the field of business.

I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone...

"Grace, the supplier isn't picking up the phone," cried the Vice-President of Production. As the President of my student-run company, i was responsible for managing my team through periods of unprecedented success and frantic chaos. Together, we formed a collective body capable of achieving more success and realizing more goals than an individual ever could. From my experience in leading a student-run company, I determined my intended academic focuses of business management and economics.

'Til now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you...

When I discovered USC, it became the only institution I could envision myself in. USC is widely known as a constantly evolving institution that provides a liberal and modernized education for its students. It will not only equip me with knowledge for the workplace, but will also provide me with the unrivaled Trojan Network to help further my career. USC makes a difference in the world by empowering its students to succeed - Its faculty of Nobel-Laureates and accomplished researchers is open-minded and accessible to young, idealistic hopefuls such as myself who seek to make a lasting impact. It's invigorating to have a mentor to listen to my ideas, improve them, and help realize them. At USC, I will be surrounded by a diverse body of students who foster an atmosphere of intellectual and social growth. Their influence will help mould me into the successful woman I strive to be.

[iAnd now, it chills me to the bone - how do I get you alone?[/i]

The University of Southern California is my first choice. The only question is - will I receive the letter of acceptance?
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The finite sources of energy' - Why Engineering and why Cornell [13]

Wow. First of all, amazing essay. Your previous editors have pretty much highlighted all the areas of improvement already... but if there's one thing, you can still improve the ending.

"... and create change." --> Why don't you say "create a lasting impact as a global citizen" ... LOL that's just my style and preference.

Either way you already have a near flawless essay on your lands. Good luck!
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'struck at the ambiance' - POMONA 2 -- Fun experience [5]

each and every individual <-- just say everyone
people make resolutions to put themselves in better shape for the future. <-- rephrase? a tad awkward
... and taped confetti, I was struck at the ambiance <--- what does that mean? please expound/reword
the hazelnut odor .. <-- odor carries negative connotations, use "scent" instead, or "smell" or just rephrase
manner since I ceased to become an infant <--- rephrase in more natural way

Also, you have a tendency to use a lot of commas when they can be excluded.

BUT That's it for my criticism ;) I really loved your essay overall. The part where you "burst into tears" really touched me. Good luck!
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'no boyfriend or a relationship until college' - Tufts #5 [7]

Wow! I must say, the beginning really captured my attention. I wasn't expecting this story to be about a relationship, but it was a pleasant surprise and it ties in with your topic well.

There's a problem with this line though - "I think applying to colleges really helped me to understand"

Good Luck!
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'individuality and self-exploration' - Why Oberlin College? [3]

Hello! First of all I can relate to your weirdness :P However, the way this college phrased their prompt calls for more detail on the college ITSELF. Talk more about programs, areas of interest, etc that are more academically orientated. Don't omit the beginning altogether because it gives u individuality, but perhaps be more succinct and expound where necessary. Also the ending can be made stronger. Don't reiterate too much on your quirks, just be direct.
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Emory Essay (favorite amusement park ride) [4]

Wow! What a great essay that showcases your solid writing skills without using flamboyant language that turns off AOs. My only suggestion is to rephrase your concluding sentence. You can come up with something that leaves more of a lasting impression I'm sure :)

Care to take a look at my Favorite Things - U Chicago essay?
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'interest lies in Economics' - Northwestern Supp Essay [4]

In 2006 during the Northwestern Commencement

and read a passage from the scripture that says,

Apart from economics, however,

a city that has one of the world's most diversified economy <--- should be plural

One last thing is that grown-up should be hyphenated or substituted with a better word.

Overall your essay really showcases your solid writing skills. I'm sure AOs will be pleased to review this.

Take a look at my UChicago Fav Things Essay? :)
GraceTaylorWei   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / UChicago Favorite Things Essay - "Lolita/Frank Sinatra" [5]

Favorite Book: Lolita
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Reading Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita was an experience that consumed my thoughts and stirred my heart. The perverted relationship between Humbert and Dolores is intensely corrupt, yet so poignantly and elegantly articulated by Humbert that it compels the reader to sympathize with a man who otherwise would be dismissed as a demented criminal. The controversial book unabashedly blurs the lines between innocence and corruption; it forces the readers to question what is absolutely unforgivable and what can be ultimately justified. Nabokov's dark humor, unexpected injections of satire, and vivid imagery creates a constantly fluctuating atmosphere that engages all of the readers' senses.

Favorite Music: Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Bob Marley, Louis Armstrong, John Legend

My taste in music changes like the seasons. Specific songs define periods in my life and cause me to relive them with every listen. During my vegetarian-yoga phase in grade 11, I was obsessed with Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald. Every time I listen to "Blue Skies" by Ella Fitzgerald or "Why Should I Cry Over You" by Frank Sinatra, I can almost smell the early morning breeze that I would smell during the walk to my 6am yoga class. When I visited New York City last Christmas, I constantly replayed songs by John Legend and Bob Marley. Now, when I listen to "Three Little Birds" and "One Love" by Bob Marley, I can almost taste the snowflakes on my tongue and see the dazzling lights of Times Square illuminate my world.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Unlike many others, I truly enjoy volunteering' - EXTRACURRICULAR SHORT ESSAY [3]

No matter how irreverent <-- no matter how irrelevant the activity is
This process turns students into robots and workplaces into sweatshops.< --- I think this is a bit of an exaggeration
Unlike many others, I truly enjoy volunteering <--- sounds a bit condescending

Other than that I love your essay! I think it explains your experience quite nicely.
Take a look at my Notre Dame Supplements? The one with the $5000 grant is quite short !
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Significant Challenge and Its Impact (SVU essay) - I use the power of words [5]

After many times of people discouraging me < ---- After much discouragement from others,
use the power of it into a motivator < --- used them as motivation

^Just to assist with the flow, everything else looks nice :) I like the gist of your essay and I think the AOs will too.

Take a look at my Notre Dame Supps? Due tonight!
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / I can't spell accidentally - princeton and harvard supplement [7]

I love your essay, Nia! And thank you for providing useful feedback.

I have to agree with Max, though. Your essay focuses on your drive to win and then at the end, you surprise the reader by changing the focus on not conforming. I think this could work in your favor if you expound on your actual theme a little more throughout the essay and reiterate it more firmly at the end.

I hope this helps!
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Black man from the hood"; Common app- Diversity from Tutoring [3]

I like the material in the essay, but perhaps you should cut back on slang and replace them with apt vocabulary, for example "Black man from the hood" doesn't seem necessary. Your visual description alone suffices.

Another thing is I think you should talk more about what happened after you requested Tyrone to teach you how to rap instead of just stopping abruptly and tying the essay together.

Overall, great job!

Could you read my Notre-Dame supplements too? :)
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Notre-Dame: "What would you do with a $5000 Grant?" (I'll Edit Back!) [5]

With a grant of $5000, I would initiate an entrepreneurial program for youth in Aboriginal communities to study its effects on the futures of the youth and the growth of the communities. When I attended a conference on youth justice, I met students from across Ontario, many of whom lived on Aboriginal reserves. I became friends with them and learned about the lack of opportunities in their communities, especially for youth. In fact, one of my new friends told me that there were only two students who graduated from their local high school in ten years, and the majority of youth drop out of school or are incarcerated at one point or another. As a firm advocate for education and self-empowerment, I believe that the lack of investment in Aboriginal youth is what leads them to lose hope in their futures. Youth entrepreneurial programs will help empower them at a crucial period of their development and decrease drop-out rates and incarceration rates dramatically. Furthermore, Native youth have strong ties to their communities; when they succeed as individuals, they will most likely return to their communities to improve the lives of their families and pave the way for the next generation.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Notre-Dame Supp: "The Unexplored"/"Moral Radiance" [7]

Thanks guys! What do you think of the second draft:

Bucket List

As a thrill-seeking teenager, I have inevitably included skydiving as a part of my bucket list. However, the most important activity on my list is to explore the world's most obscure countries. Nauru has always been my top destination. The solitary dot in the vast Pacific is the world's smallest island republic. How has being isolated from other countries shape Nauru's culture and characterize its people? I want to live with the locals and experience life from their perspective.

Another item on my list is to live in a rural community in China for a week. I have never been away from the bustling city where everyone is constantly tuning the world out with their iPods. My grandfather often described the intimacy of his small village he grew up in to me. Perhaps a taste of the simple life would help me grow closer to the root of humanity.

Why Notre-Dame?

I've wanted to be a successful businesswoman my entire life. It was all planned out - I would work in a large corporation to obtain experience and eventually embark on my own entrepreneurial venture. However, after watching "The Corporation" in business class, I was shocked at the lack of morality in the world of business today. I have a strong conscience that makes me cringe at the thought of polluting the environment or exploiting third-world nations for profit.

Notre-Dame is the only institution of its caliber that values using education and success to serve humanity. The effectiveness of its faculty to teach these values can be reflected in the impressive 80% of undergraduate students who choose to engage in community service. Notre-Dame is a college that not only provides an exceptional education in a supportive, tight-knit community, but also expects its students to represent honor and integrity wherever their careers takes them.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Curvaceous. Linear. Human tool.' - NYU - What intrigues you? [3]

Great essay. I noticed just one thing though:

"Eats me entirely. The wood chips, the asymmetrical curves are credit to the perfection of this tool. Perfection not in its condition, but for its purpose in life. "

I know you're trying to produce that steam of consciousness effect, but perhaps make it more grammatically agreeable:

"It eats me entirely - the woodchips... - perfect not in its condition.."

You have a few more of these that create somewhat of a choppy effect, but other than that, it's really excellent material and thought.

Read my Notre Dame essays? Urgent D:
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Notre-Dame Supp: "The Unexplored"/"Moral Radiance" [7]

Please help me edit these, I'll return the favor!

Many people form a list of once-in-a-lifetime activities to accomplish. For example, individuals on the admissions staff hope to visit all the national parks, publish a fiction novel or waddle with penguins in Antarctica. What are a few of the items on your list?

Nauru is the world's smallest island country - it takes 15 minute to drive around the country. Tokelau has the world's smallest economy but plans to be the first country to use only renewable energy. My list includes travelling to the most mysterious countries in the world. I believe the most obscure countries hold some of the world's most interesting experiences. Speaking of hidden places, the number one activity on my list is to establish an entrepreneurial program for Aboriginal youth on reserves in Canada. At a conference, I met many Native-Canadian youth who told me about the lack of opportunities and hope on the reserves. I am a firm believer in education and empowerment; I have faith that an entrepreneurial program will stimulate business interest in youth and dramatically increase their chances of bringing success to their communities.

Why Notre-Dame?

He sat cross-legged by the fire hydrant. I was driving to buy my last-minute Thanksgiving pie when I noticed him. Traffic was low on a holiday; he had nothing in his paper cup. My conscience rang loud and clear, and I picked up a pound cake and a cup of coffee for the unnamed man on my way out of the store. Although I strive to be a successful businesswoman, moral responsibility is an indelible part of my character. In my student-run company, I established a value of social awareness, and 5% of all proceeds is donated to charity. The Mendoza College of Business boasts an impressive array of world-class programs and successful alumni. While Notre-Dame's rankings are outstanding, I am drawn by the fact that Notre-Dame's mission of using education and success to serve humanity is in perfect alignment with my life's goals.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Most Important Night of Your Life" - Common App Essay [2]

Hey all, I wrote a completely new essay because I was so unhappy with my last. I like this one a lot better, but it's 594 words. Any advice on what to cut down?

Welcome to the game called "most important night of your life". You only get one chance. Begin.

I swung open the large renaissance doors and walked into the banquet hall. The majestic room was illuminated by the dozens of Victorian chandeliers dangling elegantly from the 30 foot ceiling. "Welcome to the 23rd Annual Board of Governors Dinner," greeted the receptionist as she gave me my name tag. I shuffled between a group of students as I made my way towards the seat that was labeled "Junior Achievement Student Representative - IBM Branch"

Stage one - Etiquette Seminar.

"Three pumps, not too firm, not too limp, is a good handshake", said the posh etiquette counsellor on the stage. I turned to practice with a grey-haired gentleman beside me. I enthusiastically squeezed his hand and shook it three times, but he told me it was too firm. It sounded familiar - I've always been described as stubborn with firm beliefs. I shook his hand again, this time confidently but gently. "That's better," he smiled. Level cleared.

Stage two - Cocktail Hour.

The hall was filled to capacity with formally dressed businessmen and women, already engaged in conversation. I remembered the stage objective my Junior Achievement mentors had told me: make as many connections as possible in the next hour. This was a game making the best impression a starstruck, brace-faced teenager could make. Fortunately, I had an accomplice in this game. I linked arms with my new friend, Rashik, and dove into the sea of business executives. Our first target was a hulking man with a short-boxed beard who introduced himself as a Director at Manulife. After introducing myself, I asked him what the most valuable trait of a leader is. I was preparing to run for my student company's president position. "Vision," he answered, "you must show your company you can see the bigger picture". I was elated by his answer - I have always adored learning life lessons from people. I always kept a copy of Benjamin Franklin's chart of 13 virtues in my bag at all times. After obtaining his business card, Rashik and I re-entered the battlefield. I noticed a blond gentleman walking away from his previous conversation. I grabbed Rashik and caught up to him. "Excuse me," I said. He turned around and looked at us and lifted his eyebrows. "To be honest, my mentor instructed me to learn as much as I can from important looking people, and you look like what she was talking about," I blurted out. He laughed genuinely before asking us to tell him more ourselves. After an invigorating conversation, he gave us his business card and told us to email him. Stage Cleared.

Stage Three - Dinner

I instinctively cut my steak as I glued my eyes on the larger-than-life speaker who had ascended the stage. I took a quick glance at his bibliography I printed in preparation for the event. He was a CEO, a professor, and a founding chairman of a national entrepreneurial program. This was the hardest stage of all; I had to digest every word of this once-in-a-lifetime speech. I stopped all motion, anticipating the grandiloquent words of wisdom. However, I was astounded by his simple yet profound advice: "be uncomfortable - you only learn when you're constantly challenged." It seemed as if the words were directed to me. After all of the moments when I felt out of place in a sea of business executives with expensive haircuts, I was right where I belonged.

Stage cleared.

Level Up.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 28, 2011
Essays / Academic Essay Topic, a common essay subject [19]

Wow. Nice attention grabber. I think AOs would be pleased to read this.

And then I stood up, and I tried again. <-- perhaps just make it "I stood up and tried again".

Take a look at my CommonApp?
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Lugogo, Uganda' - Common app essay [6]

This is an amazing essay, but maybe talk about what you did after your realization? Any involvement with a specific charity? Or any distinguished actions.. even regular but specific actions would do. Also, the ending could be stronger, but your content is solid! Good luck.

Take a look at my CommonApp essay? Desperate :S
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'underprivileged children in Burma' - Common application short answer [6]

The very common thing I could see in <--- sounds a bit awkward, rephrase?
told them about the biographies <-- I told them about the lives of...
could see flickers of hope on their faces and I felt very elated to know that my empathetic actions had a positive impact on others' lives.

That's it! Amazing essay overall :) Will you take another look at my CommonApp essay? Final copy...desperate for editing!
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / One Round - Common Application Significant Experience essay [5]

Wow - this is almost a perfect essay! My only confusion was this part:

Finally, the last one! Excitement courses through me: we've made it! Then - "Eastview GP". I get up, disappointment filling my stomach, to accept my plaque.

Why were you disappointed when you've made it? Did you win or lose?

Other than that - flawless!

Take a look at my CommonApp? Desperate :/
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Big zhou, my chemistry teacher [11]

I LOVE the part about the dialogue between you and Big Zhou! It's incredibly detailed and paints a nice picture. My only criticism is perhaps make the ending more "Umph". Give them more of an epiphany - you have a lot of material.

Could you proofread my Common App essay?
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / How One Sees will Impact How One Succeeds - Cornell: College of Human Ecology [9]

"Instead of donating monetary aid"

to offers <-- should be "to offer"

To be honest, I'm not sure how well the admission officers will take discussion about religion. However, I understand you're trying to say it's a part of the reason why you want to study at Cornell, but perhaps be more general instead of pinpointing a specific religion.

Could you read my Common App essay - "Sign up" ? You're an excellent editor!

Best of luck
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "I Am Chanadian" - NYU App [5]

Thanks everyone! @Mustafa: absolutely!

Would "tenacity" or "grit" be a better word for "indefatigable spirit"?

"Hopeful that their grit is a part of me"
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "I Am Chanadian" - NYU App [5]

The crisp Vancouver air smelled like fresh pine of the Rocky Mountains and sea salt from the Pacific ocean. As I walked along the cobblestone street, I felt more in touch with my culture than anywhere else. "I don't want to learn Chinese!" the 9-year-old me protested against my grandfather. As a child, I was often desperate to break free from the world that restrained me from being "truly Canadian". Over the years, I've come to realize that culture has given me the depth of personal history, a strong cultural community, and the legacy of persistence and courage. My Chinese-Canadian ancestors had built most of the Canadian Pacific Railway in British Columbia that stretched across the continent and unified the country. British Columbia was where the first Chinese settlers arrived in Canada, and it is where they stayed to make an indelible mark on Canada's culture.

Walking along the pier, I was compelled to stop in my tracks by the 12 foot mosaic on the side of a building. It was composed of square paintings, each depicting a different culture in Canada. Immediately, I noticed the square depicting a Chinese family by the pier with their boat; their faces were stern but hopeful as they gazed into their new horizon. I thought about the Chinese-Canadians who've endured adversity and hardship to pave the way for my generation. I walked away from the mosaic with my head held high and the wind on my back, hopeful that their indefatigable spirit is in me as well.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'New York' + 'Yoshimi Battles' + 'Charles Dickens' - NYUs [3]

Hey! Thx for the reply. For your first prompt, try to focus less on "Why New York?" and make it more "Why NYU?" Do you get what I mean? Be more college specific. I had the same problem with mine. Good luck!
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'propaganda on the Japanese culture' Stanford Supplement (intellectual vitality) [5]

I love this essay. I can personally relate to it as well. I like the ending, quite powerful. If you're looking to reduce workd limit there are some redundancies such as "would never forgive any human of the Japanese blood"... make it "I would never forgive the Japanese."

Help with mine?
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Application - "Yves Saint Laurent" [5]

Thanks guys, I've fixed up the last paragraph and made it pretty specific. Have a look:

At Stern, team projects account for 30% of the workload - twice as much as other prestigious universities. Along with the numerous internship opportunities in the city, they will will help me acquire experience in the competitive field of business. Stern's impressive 291 courses and specialized programs will prepare me for the unexpected obstacles in my future work, and its solid network of established alumni will provide me with reliable connections and support to further me in my future career.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU (online store + stern) [3]

I really like this, shows your experience in business. However, I feel that your last sentence is cut off from your essay focus - when you were running your company, were u interested in philanthropy? It's a little random but with a little explaining it will be a great ending.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Application - "Yves Saint Laurent" [5]

This is the answer to the second essay prompt! Please help me check it :)

Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

The shoes would have to be Yves Saint Laurent. I could see myself striding down Wall Street in designer pumps with the wind triumphantly blowing my hair as I swiftly hail a taxi for a corporate business function at a swanky restaurant. However, this fantasy changed after witnessing my stepfather start his company. Just two years ago, my stepfather was asking me for company name suggestions; his language school business now collects over 250 students from over 8 countries around the world. His job is hardly glamorous - on certain days, he would sit in his chair, face unshaven, wearily reviewing reports. I, the unpaid secretary, was thrust with tasks that included designing a company logo, replying emails, writing letters, and fetching an occasional cup of coffee. With every minute spent on the business, I became more magnetically drawn to it. I was a part of the business body: when the company faced woes, I was troubled; when it grew, I felt the same sense of pride and fulfillment that compelled my stepfather to become completely committed to his work.

The Stern School of Business is a body composed of Nobel Prize winners, CEO alumni, and eclectic students bursting with potential. It gives student the opportunity to lead through programs such as the International Studies Program. Being a part of Stern will give me the confidence and experience I need in order to become a part of business bodies - and eventually lead them - with or without Yves Saint Laurent heels.
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Happiness on a Platter' - Common App, Activitie Short Answer [4]

I agree with Lishan - I love the imagery and details, but perhaps relate it back to how cooking relates to your topic and yourself. Did it help you look at the world in another way? Why is it important to you. .. etc.

Good luck!
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App: "Sign Up - Student Council President" [7]

Thanks Jae, I'm going to take a look at ur essays in a sec :)

For some reason, I still feel a little insecure about this essay - like there's something off topic about it? I don't know. Any more critiques? I'd love them right now!
GraceTaylorWei   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App: "Sign Up - Student Council President" [7]

Thanks so much! I'm actually really stuck on finding an effective conclusion... been literally staring at the screen for 10 hours and nothing. I did put the last three paragraphs in one though.

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