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Posts by Strawberry78
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Jun 25, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 52  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 56 / page 2 of 2
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Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / I love to be physically involved in creating creative projects; Kinesthetic - Yale [6]

The prompt is: tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words

Any suggestions on how to improve

Kinesthetic
I love to be physically involved in creating creative projects. By feeling the textures and curvatures of the materials I am working with, helps me learn the information much quicker. This is referred to as kinesthetic learning style. Nothing is more stimulating than focusing on projects that integrate what I learned to other aspects of my understanding of the world.

In Physics, my teacher gave the class an assignment to design an instrument to heighten our knowledge of the concepts of vibrations and sound waves. No concrete guidelines were given on how to make the instruments or what material to use, but each student was required to make some type of instrument to present in class. I researched different pictures of violins on the internet, before I started my project, to have an idea of the violin I wanted to create. I was determined to make a real working instrument.

First, I went to a crafts shop to buy a cigar box for the body of the violin. As I roamed the store, I discovered some rods which I used as pegs. I also discovered a long piece of narrow piece of wood that became the neck of the violin, and wall trim that became the scroll.

At first, designing the instrument challenged my fluid intelligence, but as I began constructing my violin, understanding of the lesson plan became clearer. As I drilled holes in the wood, I realized that the size of holes in the instrument resonate the sound of the strings, not necessarily the strings themselves. This insightful realization solidified the information in my brain. Also, as I felt the cigar box, I noticed the thickness of the instrument affected the tone of the sound. Being physically involved in the project helped me to learn the practical aspect of the lesson taught in class. Once I was finished with my instrument, I strummed the strings to critique my work. My violin was fully functional, with adjustable pegs and playable strings. Not only did I create a violin that I still have today, I learned that being an active participant in a project matters greatly.

At first, I did not fully understand why creating an instrument would assimilate my knowledge of past concepts, but as I worked on my violin I started to understand the different aspects that pertain to instruments and waves. I love to engage myself in an activity that requires me to think unconventionally to achieve my task and bring my understanding of a concept to reality.

When incorporating new knowledge, I immediately feel for comprehension. I integrate my kinesthetic learning style to make life easier, for example understanding consistency of mashed pumpkin in the preparation of pumpkin pie to keeping a mental picture of different locations in Los Angeles so my adult brother and I can navigate through Little Tokyo with a bus route map. The time I take to truly engross myself in projects I love has paid off.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Need Common app personal essay opinion! [2]

Rephrase your first sentence to make sound like an original thought. You did not really explain your reason for transferring. Hope this helps.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The bright moon' - help edit my williams supplement [3]

Try and keep your first sentence positive. This essay is kind of depressing. Overall try and keep your whole essay positive and since you are mentioning more of the window and the forest stick with that more than what you have in the first and second paragraphs.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / $$$ Why Columbia University? Short Response $$$ [3]

You might want to take out It goes without saying that your core curriculum and diversity in courses and students is highly sought after . You might want to use this space to talk about how this school makes you feel. With this, there is no doubt you have one of the most diverse, creative, intelligent and passionate student body a college has to offer. Acknowledging this allows me to further appreciate your programs in student development, such as the Emerging Leaders Program. These two sentences do not really connect with each other. You might want to change that.

Please help on mine. Thank you.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Tufts University personal outlook short essay [3]

Instead ofJust like the tangent of /2, I cannot be defined , put Just like the tangent of /2, I am always looking for new ways to define my composition. There is too much going on. Limit to 3 or 4 qualities then elaborate.

Help on mine please. Kinesthetic
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Faculties / Chemistry / Crawl to Success - NYU [5]

1st:
Instead of Phillipines and other races say everyone in general.

2nd:
How will those people help you succeed? Elaborate. Is it their teaching styles, their interaction or relationship with the students? A lot of schools have clubs, what makes NYU's clubs any different? Change I may be able to feel the belongingness, which one has to feel in order to feel at home and enjoy life at NYU to something like The diversity and close knit environment of the school will foster a sense of belonging withing me.

3rd:
Take out your anecdote from 9th grade or move it to the beginning and tie it in with what you initially had first.

4th:
Instead of wife left him leaving him and his son alone put wife abandoned the struggling family . Try and make your wording stronger. Your anecdote seems listy. Change to show what type of person you are. Try saying I realized I needed to stop watching all of those YouTube videos and work hard to achieve success .
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / New York life / Middlemarch' Dorothea - NYU Supplements [6]

In first essay:
What are the qualities in which you look for in a school? Why is it the perfect fit? What are qualities of NYU you prefer or enjoy? How will this university help you discover who you are? Be more specific. Your essay sounds to generic. If you can replace NYU with another school, you have not done your job. In the beginning try mention how living just hours from NYU gave you a yearning to want to be involved in that school even more. What extra curricular activities does this school have that you want to be involved in? You need to talk more about NYU and you collectively.

Second Essay:
How is that book any relevant to you as a person. What did you take from the book, not necessarily what was discussed in class. Your second essay is more of a summary analysis. Talk more about yourself in correlation with the book.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / " Why Columbia? ". Several factors combined. [8]

Try not to mention that you considered other colleges. Make your essay consistently seem as if Columbia is your first choice. Change 6:1 to six to one. Try to mention how this school makes you feel. Overall you essay is well crafted. You know a lot about Columbia.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement [9]

In your essay you might want to mention how you will pursue your major at Johns Hopkins and how it will contribute to the type of person you want to be. You did it for your high school classes but not necessarily your possible college ones.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Inituitive- UPenn Essay Prompt Answer [6]

The UPenn Essay Prompt is introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences. Any revisions or suggestions?

As I look around the classroom, I notice a girl nervously staring around the room. She seems as if she wants to speak to someone, but has not taken the initiative to do so. As she sits there, she plays with her fingers. I come to the conclusion that she is lonely, so I decide to walk over and talk to her. Her facial expression immediately lights up once I start talking to her. She is not lonely anymore. I am always analyzing the situations around me to have a better understanding of my world. I will watch my surroundings and base certain judgments on my intuitive feelings. Doing so has brought me success in my personal and academic life. As I go through life in the upcoming future, I will make the best possible decisions to not only benefit myself, but others as well.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Speaking Through Walls - Harvard Essay [4]

In your first paragraph try to make it clear that you are having a tough time speaking different languages, not necessarily a speech impediment. That is what I thought at first. Did these languages reduce your problems with speech? I am not sure. Explain so the admission readers know exactly where you are going before you get there.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'medicine is my calling' - Duke Short Essay-help revise [7]

Your essay is good. You have made it clear you live close enough to experience the school. One critique, try to change I can already imagine myself walking from my east campus dorm to the Gross Chemistry Laboratory for my Chemistry 152L class taught by Dr. Roy, or sipping a smoothie in the Trinity Café for a moment of peaceful relaxation. You do not want to seem as if you know for sure you are going to get admitted. Try to seem a little more humble in this sentence. Try to say I hope to be walking... If you have space try mentioning how your first campus visit made you feel since you seem you have been there multiple times.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Why did you pick the emergency room?" - Essay for Common App [4]

Try to take out most of the dialogue. The dialogue comes off as more of a story than your internal conviction of a life changing experience. You can use that space to elaborate more on how you felt about your experience and try to say the same thing with less words and less dialogue. You probably want to end by saying what you learned from this experience, such as This little girl before me brought out my doctoral instincts to help someone in dire need. I came there to experience the emergency room, but I gained a whole lot more. This life changing experience helped me realize I want to stay in the medical field and make sure girls like her never have to feel scared after a traumatic incident. Also you might add what this experience helped you realize you want to do in the future. And another thing, keep your descriptive narrative, but try to say more with less, but keep the content consistent, your essay in good and unique. Finally, elaborate on how that boy's comment made you feel instead of just a facial expression. You can include your facial expression in the explanation to your reaction, but it should not be the only thing. Good luck.
Strawberry78   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Becoming a smarter person it's a natural part of growing up - Stanford; Intellectual Development [6]

Try to take out any negativity or putting down of yourself and try to turn it into a reflective realization. Such as Honestly, this made me a little jealous and frustrated mainly because I knew I could do as well as them, but I had nothing to show for. That revelation changed me radically . Try changing to Seeing their success made me realize that I wanted to change my ways to have a future like them or a variation of that. And also take out despite a crumbling economy and less than stellar job prospects . It is irrelevant to your essay. You can use that space to elaborate more on your realization. Try changing But she didn't help me with solving physics problems- she helped me with thinking critically to My teacher's efforts to help me think critically, not only helped me achieve my sought after A's, but also helped me become a smarter, more disciplined individual. Also elaborate on how you achieved those A's and better test scores. Did you spend hours studying after your tutoring sessions? Did you decide to pay more attention in class or so on? Hope this helps.

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