Writing Feedback / 'money is much important' - The Main reason people go to work is to earn money [6]

Hi, Thank you for your kind words about me.

As a conclusion, in the 21st century money ismuch important(it is important for what?? and most of people are looking for best salary to follow the pace of life demands. I think it is better for everyone to start his life in a highsalary job,(repetition) while working in a place that fit his or her interests can be achieved later.

You should work on grammar and try to use suitable sentences with stronger structures. I think, reading some story books can familiarize you with good sentences' structures and vocabulary. It also improves your reading ability.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] - Topic:international organisations should provide technology [5]


It would be better to mention your reasons through some words.

Based on the aboveAccording to what was sated above , technology support is more necessary than financial support.


U stated good points with suitable examples, but there is only one thing that I think u should consider it. In one or two sentences you could write why financial aid cannot provide the advantages that u mentioned for other types of helps.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'becoming an architect' - Georgia Tech Admission small essay [2]

U should use some transitional words and terms to connect the sentences. U stated your experiences one after another without considering the coherency of the sentences.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1: Percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet [2]

Hi,
the essay contains 148 words, while u should write at least 150 words. However, I think the essay is good and the low number of the words can be attributed to this fact that the graph reveals few data. In a real test, it is given more than just one line-graph and in the most of the times u should write about two or even three different graphs, pie-charts, table or a mixture of them. Well done.

U should add two main points to the introduction. 1) time: you should write that the data have been collected over which years. 2) General trend


;


Use different ways for reporting data. For example u can write: "it reached a peak ...", "it dramatically decreased to xx% in 19xx", "the graph shows a three-fold reduction in the percentage of vegetarian people in 19xx compared to 19xx".

Try to compare the results in the different years. It is not enough to just write about increase or decrease in something. COMPARISON is very very very important in the IELTS writing task one.

.. gradually increased gradually until 1980

didn't ateeat meat dipped


Which two years? mention it.

Regards
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I'm 27. I am a hard working person, but sometimes you cannot change your life. This is my destiny and I cannot change it.

Writing Feedback / 'transporting goods on railway and pipeline' IELTS [4]


this is not an appropriate sentence for expressing general trend. Write it clearly.


do not use this, because the examiner who reviews your work doesn't have the question booklet and he/she cannot see a graphs/tables/etc

U should compare the information given in the graph. u did not consider this imperative thing in the essay.

Good luck
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Thank you for your great words. I had a hard life, full of difficulties. I tried to make my life better, but nothing was changed. What do you feel when you work hard, but nothing is obtained. This is so sad. When I look at all the things that I did for a better life, it makes me disappointed since I could not achieve a considerable thing.

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I think I need to get some rest. May be I should travel to a place to put my mind in peace. U know, I work hard all days from 7AM to 7 PM without any free time. I think this is the reason why I cannot think positively, I am tired :(. What do you think?

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I will try to pull myself together and think positively. Thank you for your valuable, helpful words. U made my day :)))))

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Can I ask you something? How old are? what do you do ? and What is your major? You talked like psychologists:)

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

wow, you are too young. I wish u luck. U know, sometimes the hard conditions in life may become intolerable, sometimes you may want to escape from what you really are. I am a human, and just like other people I have some good days and some bad days. But, the fact is that the world is turning and we should live, as u said.

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

despite the wide agreement that authority; refers to the government institutions in this essay; havehas (this refers to "authority") an obvious intent ofon fostering society's well-being

Your introduction is great, but there is a problem in the organization of it. You started the introduction with a good motivator/general background. After that, u should rewrite the topic (thesis statement) and then give your opinion. In fact, the main idea of the topic is that "Can the questioning authority improve a society in various facets?". U wrote this point at the end of the introduction. In my opinion it would be better to write the different parts of the introduction in the order that I wrote below:

1) Motivator; 2) Thesis statement(What is the main idea of the essay); 3) your opinion; 4) Blueprint


How will the questioning authority jeopardize such issues that u stated above? U did not support this statement.


U tried to support your words by a quotation from Gandhi, but it is not clear. What type of change do you mean? Make it apparent.

Good job

Hope the comments be useful
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

U talked about MONEY. Money is everything my friend. "Money talks B.S walks", I really agree with this statement. Without money you have nothing: no friend, no relationship, no respect, no FUTURE. This is the real meaning of this ridiculous world. Nobody considers your abilities, the only important thing is Money. I heard a song in Farsi that I translated it as follows:

"The world is turning not because of gravity, but this is money that causes the earth's rotation" :))

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]


:-D I'll try

Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

The essay was a wonderful work. If you want to reduce the number of words you should decrease some details of the story. U tried to describe anything accurately. This is a good point for writing but u have word limitation and for this purpose u should delete some sentences. I wrote my suggestions below :

u can make the conversation a little shorter. U can delete some sentences that u think they are not necessary. Nice story, though.


This statement that I quoted is OK, but as u should make the essay shorter I think you can combine two highlighted sentences as one single sentence. In both sentences you are talking about this fact that U did not know what to do.



These details are really good and the reader can completely imagine the situation , but if you want to decrease the number of words u can make all of these details as one short sentence. For example u can just mention that your hand was injured.

Hope this helps

Regards
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I studied for all my life. In fact, I invested my life in studying. I could get an M.Sc degree two years ago and I could publish several articles in the journals with good reputation. When I publish a paper it makes me happy, but u cannot live with such things. I think what I did in my life was wasting time, and what I could achieve was useless.

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I am waiting for the outcomes of the universities that I applied for. I hope to get admissions in the near future. However, getting visa is another story. These days getting visa, especially for Iranian, has become too hard.

Essays / Gender Role in the new times - Essay start help [9]

Hi,
Introduction
the topic is not too hard and many psychologists and sociologists have focused on this issue through last few years. U should open the introduction with a motivator. The motivator can be a historical event or the roles of men and women in society changing. People love the history because it is something like story. Or u can open the first paragraph with a personal experience. Statistic is another option. Talk about the the number of men and women who work today and compare it with last centuries.

Then u need to writ a thesis statement. What are you going to discuss in the essay? What is the main idea of the essay? answer these questions as a thesis statement in the introduction.

The next step is a blueprint. Write a sentence to connect the introduction to the body. What issues are you going to argue in the body? the answer of this question is a blueprint. It can be the role of gender in political, social, and psychological issues.

Body :(explain the issues that u mentioned as blueprint. For example: in the first paragraph write how men and women contribute to political problems. In the nex paragraph write about civic roles of men and women, and so on.

Conclusion : Reword the introduction and briefly state the main points that u discussed throughout the essay. , then write a clincher.

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / 'even more equipped' - Physician Assistant Narrative on CASPA [4]

Why have you drawn to this field? There is no connection between the first sentence and the second one. U started the introduction with the fact that you like health care, then you talked about your educational/professional back ground. I think you should rewrite the introduction. Open the introduction with an attractive sentence and try to make a relationship between statements.

Try to use transitions to improve the coherence of the essay. U wrote some information about yourself one by one without the use of transitions. In fact, the unity of the essay is poor and it seems like a train which moves forward with no stop.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Spending a semester in a foreign university (GRE Issue Essay) [4]


The introduction is not appropriate at all. U should open the introduction with a motivator. Write an interesting statement at the beginning of the essay. A motivator can be a "quotation", "Proverb", "statistics", "Story", "historical event", "question", etc. Then write the thesis statement. What is the main idea of the essay? Reword the topic as the thesis statement. Give your opinion and finally write a blueprint.

students would require to take crucial decisions as well as do your personal work yourself(revise the highlighted words. The subject is "students" but you used "your" and "yourself" which are wrong)


This example is good, but if you want to write an excellent example you should add some more details to the example. For instance if you give the name of a care company it may become more tangible and believable.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Spending a semester in a foreign university (GRE Issue Essay) [4]


I think the content is good. U provided some good examples, but there is an important thing that u should pay attention to. At the introduction u stated that you agree with the topic, but u wrote only one paragraph about the reasons why you are in agreement with the statement. Try to write two or three paragraphs about your opinion (agree or disagree) to convince your reader. Furthermore, It would be better to take one position, either agree or disagree, and u do not need to write about both sides. Another important point is that u should write about one specific issue in each paragraph. In the second paragraph of the essay u talked about a wide range of advantages that studying abroad could proved a student. I think u should divide the second paragraph to several paragraphs and at each one explain one advantage.

Research Papers / Interpersonal Effectiveness; 4 Different Categories [2]


Why did you repeat this term throughout the essay?


What is the thesis statement. You started the introduction with the different types of interpersonal effectiveness, then you gave a definition and finally you talked about the things that affect it. Connect these issues to each other and clearly mention what is the main idea of the essay. What issues are going to be discussed in the body?.

I think it would be better to open the introduction with the definition of interpersonal effectiveness because it gives some general information about what your are going to say through next sentences.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Where do communal responsibility and individual responsibility begin and end? [6]


Do not start the sentence with BECAUSE.


I think the words "therefore", "Thus", and the like are better than "so"; they are more formal.

Good luck
Ahmad

Essays / Gender Role in the new times - Essay start help [9]

Hi,
I found some websites that u can find very good ideas in each of them.

goddesswithin.com.au/documents/ChangingRoleOfWomen.pdf

bookrags.com/essay-2005/5/23/231755/036

wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_role_of_woman_in_the_past

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]


yes, it is true, but the question is :"HOW?"

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"It was easy in past to identify career or job" [2]


I think you should improve the organization of the introduction. The highlighted sentence includes the points that you discussed them in the body. In fact, you argued each point in one paragraph. This is great, but there is a very very important problem herein. U should move the red color sentence to the end of the introduction because it is a BLUEPRINT. In fact this sentence connects the introduction to the body. U should always write the blueprint as the last sentence of the introduction. For more information about "BLUEPRINT" u can google it or you can find it in the book entitled "The Practical Writer With Reading".

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: "Before an important exam, do you think it is better to prepare for ..." [2]


an introduction should include Motivator, thesis statement, your opinion, and blueprint. I think you should improve the structure of the introduction.


;


u repeated yourself in these sentences. Try to avid any repetition.


Do not repeat the phrase "is required". In addition, the word "many" is not appropriate in the sentence because the TOEFL test just evaluates four English skills which are not many.


repetition!! use synonym and try to express your ideas in various forms and use a wide range of vocabulary and sentence structures.


use another example since U mentioned this test in the previous paragraph. It seems you are talking about the TOEFL test instead of exams in general.


again TOEFL test !!!!

Work on vocabulary and grammar. The structures of the sentences used in the essay were too simple and all of them were similar to each other. U should use a variety of grammatical structures and words.

Hope u find the comments helpful
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Music industry and copyright reforms [2]



The question asked you about your opinion. At the end of the introduction you should clearly state your opinion. In addition, the topic is about music industries, not movies. So it would be better to avoid talking about movies because you mentioned movie industry in the thesis statement and this means that you want to write about both music and movie industries, whereas the topic is just about one of them-music industry.


Reword the thesis statement in the conclusion to remind the reader what the essay was talking about. U said positive and negative sides, but the sides of which issue did you mean?

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'boy/girl sports activities' / 'leaving home country for abroad' -Ielts writing tasks [2]


U should consider TIME, PLACE, and GENERAL TREND in the introduction of the IELTS writing task one. Where was the investigation conducted? When? mention the studied years. Write the general trend of the data (decreasing or increasing trend)

Start each paragraph with an appropriate phrase such as "meanwhile", "Another significant fact is that ..", "the figures are also indicative of the fact that ..", and the like.

For reporting the data try to use various supporting sentences. In the essay u just put the data in the parentheses. There are different ways that you can report the results that I wrote them below :

1) Direct way : Directly mention the results in the sentence. For example :"The pie charts reveals that males spend 54% of their spare time on sport activities."

2) Non-defining clause
3) Use brackets (as u used in the essay)


Revise this sentence. It is confusing

Avoid repetition. U used "in the case" and "related to" for several times.


The introduction should start with a motivator and then write the thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS!! To obey rules or to have less rules? How to grow up? [4]


Mention your opinion, either agree or disagree, at the end of the introduction. U should also state the reasons why you agree or disagree with the statement because the reader would find out that what issues are going to be discussed in the body if you let him/her know about the reasons (For more information google for "blueprint in writing essay")


What is the main idea of this paragraph? it is too vague and goes nowhere. Add an example and make your idea more apparent.

.affect their adult lifelives


I think you should elaborate on the paragraph and explain how they may control their senses and feelings. It is not clear.


Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

I think you should combine these two paragraphs as one because both paragraphs are revolving around the same issue- they are about your personality, hobbies and these sort of things.


write the numbers below 10 in words. In addition u do not need to use comma after practice.



In this paragraph u tried to convey this message that you are a hard working person. For this reason, you talked about karate. But, I think you diviated from the main idea of the paragraph which is "perseverance". Stick to the point. Try to revise it and connect the concept of perseverance to your experience.


U should use a different structure for writing this sentence becasue it is similar to what you used in the previouse paragraph ( My devotion to Karate, tempered by 8 years of practice, represents that). For example u can say (just a suggestion) :" My ability in the art of origami is representative of the fact that I am a patient person."

Try to avoid using contractions such as "don't", "I'm",and the like, in writing.



I think it would be better to start the conclusion with an statement like this :"communities need people who are hard working to raise difficulties. In order to eradicate problems the individuals of a society should also be able to tolerate hard conditions, which means they must be patient people. And finally, creativity is another factor that may guarantee a society's success. I think, I have all these abilities together, and when I think about this question that "Can I be a useful person for my society?" I come to this conclusion that "YES, I can". :D

Hope you find the comments useful

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


I asked why you immigrated from Russia to Vietnam to explain it in the essay not for me because you did not say any thing about this matter in the previous sentences.


This example is not tangible, in my opinion. U talked about blue, brown and black belts but these colors are understandable for you, as a Karate player, while they have no meaning for an ordinary person.


:D, The word "absolutely" bring this thing to the mind that you are an arrogant person. U should be more careful about the words when you want to say something positive about yourself.

Speeches / How To Start A Speech About Gender Roles [2]


If you use power point processor for presenting your work, dedicate one slide to cover page. Write your name, school, time (year and month), the name of course, and the title of your work, then start with the title (what you wrote above is OK). At the second slide provide a table of content. Before starting the discussion you should say something about what you are going to argue throughout the presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-What kind of problems can be caused by people resisting to accommodate changes? [2]


do not copy the topic.


This sentence shows that you will talk about the problems, but how about solutions. U should add another sentence with regard to the solutions to show some solutions will be suggested in the essay.


This paragraph is talking about the advantage of living with no change, whereas the topic asked you about the problems that this type of life style may provided.

In the body u did not suggest any solution. The second part of the topic is about the possible solutions.

U should organize your essay like what I wrote below:
Introduction :Motivator, thesis statement, blueprint
Body : Problems ; Solutions
Conclusion : Reword the thesis statement, then give your opinion and finally write a clincher.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


So, if you think it makes sense, do not change the paragraph. what I said was merely suggestion.


Yes, I think "I will", is better than "absolutely".

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


U should add the points which can drive the reader to this conclusion that you are a useful person for the community. U talked about several positive factors that you have, so reword them and finally write this :"Will I be a useful person to your community?" you may ask - my answer is -"Yes, I will"

Writing Feedback / Which do you prefer? Being leader of group or just a simple group member. [3]




I suggest u to write this sentence like this one: "Managerial works, such as leadership of an organization, are considered as stressful works." After this sentence u can write about responsibility of leaders as a subtopic sentence.

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


Sorry, but the introduction is not interesting. U should open it with more attractive statement. U talked about responsibility. This is a good point, but I think it would be better to write a personal experience(in the form of a story) which showed you this fact that other people can count on you. Make it more alluring


What kind of designer? mention it


this paragraph did not talk about creativity. It shows that you are a hard working person who could learn how to draw some pictures without any classes. So, you should talk about the pictures that you design them based on your imagination and creativity. U should talk about your ability in creating new pictures that nobody can find them elswhere.


This conclusion has a problem. Before asking the question, you answered it. As I told you before, you should reword your abilities and then provide a question. U should not ask a question that you answered it before.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Skills instead of Knowledge_Advantage and Disadvantage [17]

skills is more important and necessary than that amassing knowledge


U can write this sentence like this :" This trend may provide some questions in the mind that :"what are the positive and negative aspects of this trend?" and "does its advantages outweigh the disadvantages?


For making the example more believable, you should add some more detail to it. Where and when was the research conducted?