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Posts by Mustafa1991
Joined: Jan 31, 2009
Last Post: Jun 2, 2015
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From: United States

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Mustafa1991   
Jan 31, 2009
Writing Feedback / College Dropout Rates - vause & Effect Essay in 3rd person, need direction [5]

Hello Denise, assuming that is your name. This is my first post as well so let me be out with it in saying that I don't pull any punches. Now that we have taken care of formalities we can address your introduction on college dropout rates.

I must say, the tone you project is not exactly my favorite, and even that is when it's executed seamlessly. You make many grammatical errors relating to the issue of tense agreement, which in turn condemn your paper that already had high aspirations to begin with.

Here are a few examples that I feel you should correct:

"There was much to be anticipated when Denise, a then high school student envisioned college."

Don't make the mistake of assuming your readers are stupid, when you start out "there was much to be anticipated" you can safely assume that your reader can guess this is taking place in the past, it follows that "a then high school student" be ommitted. If you insist on clarifying here is an alternative, ... "a high school student at the time envisioned college".

Your second sentence does not deviate far from this theme of tense agreement.

"She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, talked about all the details of campus and classes, to anyone who'd listen."

When you include "filling" in the first part of the sentence, you cannot suddenly switch gears and say "talked" in the second part. One is happening now, and the other presumably in hindsight. Either change it to "talking", or start a new sentence after "applications", . She talked ...

On to the subject of your second paragraph. Let me reiterate in saying that I don't like the approach you take in your paper to begin with, but if you must do it, consistency cannot be stressed enough. That is, in grammar, delivery, and tone. In the first line of your second paragraph we are accosted with a great statistic in an enlightening tone, thereafter you attempt some continuity, including the character of your story in a melodramatic sort of way, "she couldn't comprehend it", it just comes across as phony, unwieldy and patronizing. The single most serious error you make is by waltzing back and forth between two entirely different tones, one cogent and the other with this anecdotal story quotes and all, the result is that it sounds like a children's story.

I recommend that you try to achieve some consistency in your story, all else is secondary in my opinion.
Mustafa1991   
Jan 31, 2009
Undergraduate / UofM-Setback Essay ("be active and outspoken in both business and life") [4]

It's pretty tight, in one pass I only managed to find a few errors. I'm 17 myself, I can relate to the theme of your story about not being taken seriously due to an age limitation, even more so because I am a finance major and trade and invest myself (I'm hoping to do my MBA at UofMd as well when the day comes). At the same time I feel it would be inappropriate to advise you on schematics or anything with serious bearing on the outcome of your paper for that matter. I am happy to make a few minor suggestions that I feel I am at liberty to discuss. Then,

the few errors I did manage to find:

8th line from the bottom, I think you intend to say "intimidated" instead of intimated
2nd line from the top is a little awkward for my taste, rephrase or replace a few words, perhaps "I exchanged shoulders ..." a little refinement is in order.

Now that I think about it, I could probably point out these minor infractions all throughout your paper, but that is not what you posted help for. That said, I think you were a little terse in explaining what lesson you learned, and whatever story or theme you do decide to go with, make sure your writing is crisp because that can often salvage an otherwise unsatisfactory essay.
Mustafa1991   
Jan 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Team leader and vice president' - How has your Environment influenced you [4]

I'm not sure about what the requirements are with regard to the length of the essay, in any case I feel that you do not give due service by failing to go in detail about your family life, school, etc. Your inability to properly elaborate on each point detracts from your paper and undermines your credibility. "There are so many skills and qualities that I apply today to my life and carry throughout my whole existence, where primarily build at home and school." This sentence is blatant filler material when you have scarcely attributed any of your paper to the origins and experiences which engendered these fine qualities you speak of. I recommend that you revisit the environment before you proceed into rattling off qualities in the person it made. That's just in addressing the framework of your paper, there are a multitude of grammar errors which are secondary.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 19, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

I'm writing a 3 page term paper, not bad because I'm still in second year. I'm sure it'll get worse.

So far I've managed an introduction/thesis. I need some criticism on what I've already written, and some suggestions on an outline for this paper, specifically how do you think I should approach what is essentially a really broad topic. Can you identify my thesis clearly? The topic(s) is apparent in the title. I know three pages is not hard, and I could bang it out if I didn't care so much about being neat and chronological. I appreciate your help.

The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans.

Overview: The Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana Use in Humans.

The United States has consistently been ranked among the highest in the world in terms of illegal drug use. But many contend that the problem is not confined to any normative boundaries such as race, nationality, or socioeconomic status. They posit that the use of psychoactive drugs is an inherent manifestation of a primal desire of humans to alter one's consciousness or state of mind. Others ascribe a different reason; they claim that recreational drug use is just a way to ease the burdens of work, relationships, and the hardships of life. Finally there are some who in explaining, point to the basic, underlying culprit in blame as having to do with a timeless question; what is the meaning and purpose in life? Because, they say, those who refute the question on the basis of its legitimacy are the very ones who are compelled to seek haven with drugs, away from the destitute recesses of their soul for a time. As of yet it doesn't appear that there will be any consensus on why people take mind altering drugs. There may very well be more than one reason, and for that matter the reasons may be overlapped and intertwined. Perhaps the answer varies depending on the profile of the user, or possibly the answer has not been conceived. What we are discussing here are the much debated, functional and principle reasoning mechanisms that govern people's emotive and perceptual, conscious or subconscious, attributions for why they take drugs, using a broad, anteceding approach. While a psychologist might be interested in and have something to add to that discussion, in lieu of any forthright answer, in the immediate term, there is a scholarly consensus based in decades of research, that illegal psychoactive drugs such as marijuana and cocaine, exact a toll on your health. Albeit begrudgingly, we must take a less insightful, more exigent route to understand and seek all that we can about the effects of these drugs, for our purposes marijuana and cocaine. How do marijuana and cocaine exert their effects, what is the nature of their effects, and how do they cause some people to become dependent or addicted to them?

The psychoactive drug Cannabis, commonly known today as marijuana, green, or pot, is derived from the Cannabis Sativa plant. Routes of administration include smoking, ingestion, and rarely, rectal insertion of a solution including oil and water. Tetrahydrocannibanol (THC), the active ingredient in marijuana, is several times more pervasive, and rapidly absorbed (in seconds) in the blood of someone who has smoked marijuana, as opposed to eating or drinking it, wherein it may take an hour to feel the effects. It is responsible for the acute, physiological effects experienced shortly after use, and a myriad of effects on the heart, brain, and lungs which may become more pronounced over long term or chronic use. It has been shown that after mere minutes smoking marijuana, a person's heart rate increases typically anywhere from 20-50%, and may sometimes double. An increase in heart rate, tachycardia is not believed to be a direct effect of marijuana on the heart; rather it is an indirect result of changes which occur in the autonomic nerves that preside over the regulation of heart rate. Other acute effects frequently reported are the reddening or prominence of bloodshot eyes, which can be attributed to a swelling of the conjunctivas blood vessels, and dry mouth, due to reduced salivation. The user will also, often times experience a shift in appetite and a ravenous urge to eat or drink. Euphoria and elation predominate initially, followed by a period of lingering drowsiness, which some users may try to delay or subvert by taking repeated doses. Performance is adversely affected as there may be difficulty concentrating, remembering, or coordinating and balancing one's movements; this is consistent with an overall decline in motor skills. Some people report being detached and to some extent cognizant of a dissolution in deed and perception known as depersonalization, which is, among the more variable effects that not all of, or even most people might experience, including altered sense of time, anxiety, and sharper vision coupled with visual distortions. While the effects described here occur often enough in people that use marijuana to be relevant and repeated with regularity, with the exception of a few, because of people's varying experiences due to common factors such as dose, prior usage history, experience, THC content, and some would even argue setting and expectations although research hasn't proven it, they don't occur in all users or in the vast majority of times following use.

Cannabinoid receptors are sites in the brain that correspond to the endogenous neurotransmitter anandamide. Tetrahydrocannibanol acts by attaching to cannabinoid receptors on nerve cells in multiple regions of the brain. Those regions of the brain with an abundance of cannabinoid receptors are therefore more prone to the influence of THC, and as a result the more consistent and apparent effects of marijuana use mostly have to do with functions that are regulated by areas of the brain most susceptible to THC. Marijuana has attained a good bit of notoriety in schools across the United States, partly because it is the most widely used illegal drug among teenagers, but also because its widespread use permeates into the classroom during school, and on the football field and other sports arenas after school. These areas have come to be emblematic of some of the most troublesome effects and shortcomings of marijuana use. Instructors and school officials may become suspicious of marijuana or drug use in the case of a student whose grades have declined considerably in conjunction with unusual behavior such as sleeping in class, displaying inattention, or missing homework assignments and being inconsistent. When THC in marijuana attaches to cannabinoid receptors in various regions of the brain, one area affected heavily is the Hippocampus, which is responsible for learning and memory vital to success in school. Other regions also influenced considerably include the Cerebellum, responsible for body movement and coordination, the Cerebral Cortex, agent of higher cognitive functions, the Nucleus Accumbens, a reward center, and the Basal Ganglia, also involved in movement control. Researchers and others alike tend to be especially interested in the Nucleus Accumbens, an aggregation of neurons in the forebrain thought to have a strong bearing on reward, pleasure, and addiction among other things. People who use marijuana may not be aware of it, but the euphoria and bliss that they seek occur in tandem with increased levels of dopamine in the Nucleus Accumbens, a finding that is also characteristic of most every other recreational drug. The Hippocampus is another region of the brain that draws a lot of attention with regard to marijuana use. Neurons in the Hippocampus control memory and related learning functions, so as people get older and lose neurons their ability to remember things decreases. THC accelerates this process by aging neuron cells prematurely, which might hasten the imminence of their death and impair memory in the user. The persistence of this effect, although not at this time thought to be permanent, is longer than the period of intoxication and probably less inclined to wear off with more chronic use.

If someone smokes cigarettes for a week and never again, we can conclude with reasonable certainty that it won't affect their long term health prognosis. However, if the same person smokes for 30 years, bravely assuming that they are not already suffering from, most likely they are at an increased risk for lung cancer, heart disease, and other ailments that only develop over long term use. Much in the same way, research today indicates that using marijuana in the short term does not have any permanent adverse effect in humans. Less certain though, is whether or not long term Cannabis use is to the detriment of the user. There are several purported long term effects of marijuana use that have been studied; some are more credible than others. These effects pertain to the individual who has used marijuana daily, heavily, for many, many years. As to which factor would have a greater bearing on our definition of a heavy, long term user, frequency of use has precedent over the quantity of dose. Research has provided considerable evidence that cannabinoids in marijuana, particularly THC, induce immunological changes in rodent animals in the cell-mediated and humeral immune system. The method used to show impaired cell-mediated immune system function is a decreased lymphocyte response in reaction to T-cell mitogens. To demonstrate an impaired humeral immune system the same method is used, except that the muted reaction is in response to B-cell mitogens, T-cells being characteristic of the cell mediated immune system, and B-cells being characteristic of the humeral immune system. Due to these changes, the result is an increased risk of bacterial or viral infection. The relevance of these findings is mitigated however, because the doses required in order to incur these changes have been very high, which adds to the stand alone problem of applying results in rodents to humans. Another obvious concern is that the evidence does not address the possibility that tolerance would develop in humans, perhaps making these findings irrelevant altogether. In the limited human experimental and clinical data, there is unresolved, likely evidence that THC impairs cell-mediated immune system function. What to make of studies that have implicated THC in suppressed immune system function is uncertain because the expectation is that reduced immune system function would result in an increase of infectious diseases, yet there has been no epidemiological outbreak of diseases among chronic heavy cannabis users. One study of HIV positive gay men suggests that their continued use of marijuana did not put them at an increased risk of worsening to AIDS. Considering the extent of marijuana use in western society, reconciled with the fact that there has been no epidemiological outbreak of infectious diseases among users, the evidence is in favor of it being unlikely that smoking cannabis leads to major dysfunction in the immune system. It is not as easy to rule out marijuana use in minor immune system impairment that cannot be as easily detected, but would instead take the form of an unsuspecting cold or other common, bacterial or viral illness.

Healthy young adults who use Cannabis do not show any prolonged strain on their cardiovascular system, as the effect is comparable to common stress. People with preexisting heart conditions such as atherosclerosis however, appear to be at a special risk and are advised to abstain from cannabis use. In chronic heavy users who smoke cannabis, the effects on the respiratory system are similar to a person who smokes tobacco. Most of the health problems in the respiratory system mutual to tobacco and chronic heavy marijuana use arise because of the method of administration, smoking, not because of anything that can be isolated as a byproduct of the cannabinoids. Coughing, wheezing, and sputum production, all which are symptoms of chronic bronchitis, can result from chronic heavy cannabis use. Additionally, chronic bronchitis and cancer of the respiratory tract are probably a more common occurrence in heavy chronic marijuana users for the same reason they are more common in tobacco smokers. A preexisting respiratory condition such as asthma might be exacerbated by smoking cannabis; the same concern with a preexisting heart condition, and the reason why people with respiratory illnesses are advised not to smoke cannabis. Evidence indicates that chronic heavy marijuana use causes microscopic changes in lung tissue, like those that occur prior to lung cancer. At this time it is debated whether or not cannabis smoke causes cancer, with certain studies indicating it does, and others, very recently showing otherwise, that it does not. Although it remains to be proven definitively, the cancer-marijuana link probably presents the most ominous risk in the perception of a casual cannabis user who does not smoke tobacco, and plausibly even in users that smoke cannabis and tobacco, out of fear that the risks may be mounting to cause for a reconsideration of their habits. It's worth noting that even if it is proven beyond any doubt that smoking cannabis causes cancer in chronic heavy users, the results would by and large be insignificant to the typical, infrequent user, but ostensibly still persuade some to discontinue cannabis use, or use cannabis less frequently, and others not to begin.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 19, 2009
Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Did you HAVE to choose global warming?

I just feel like it has been worn to death, and borrowing a page out of Rich's book, in a determinist vein, I don't think we will be able to stop whatever final calamity inevitably befalls mankind. Whether it is the sun burning up the earth, which scientists predict will happen in billions of years (wiping out all traces of our existence, AND purpose, for those less apt to believe in a higher being/afterlife), or something much more imminent and unexpected which I'm inclined to believe, I don't think humans can prevent against something on the scale that would threaten their viability. We are finite and there are threats we cannot possibly anticipate or avoid.

I have to say though, Sean's post was cogent and resourceful. He presented some novel arguments, although I think you might want to be wary of picking something that will be hard for you to defend. Most times it's better to go with something that you have a conviction and passion for. I would drop global warming if I had a choice to begin with.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Sometimes my writing can suffer when I try to make it too pretty. My intention in that sentence which confused you, was to have continuity from the prior sentence. I couldn't think of any better way to illustrate that seamlessly at the time than to say "Because, they say" which should be construed that it's a continuation from the prior sentence. In short, "Because they say", serves a purpose that implies it [Because they say] should be disregarded and the words following it be considered where the last sentence ended.

"Finally there are some who in explaining, point to the basic, underlying culprit in blame as having to do with a timeless question; what is the meaning and purpose in life? Because, they say, for those who refute the question on the basis of its authenticity, are the very ones who are inclined to seek haven with drugs, away from the destitute recesses of their soul for a time. As of yet it doesn't appear that there will be any consensus on why people take mind altering drugs."

Here is a revised explanation.

"... what is the meaning and purpose in life, because those people who reject the question on the basis of its legitimacy, that is, they don't think there IS any purpose or meaning in life, will more or less be the ones who are compelled to use drugs."

I thought I would be cheating myself and the professor if I omitted the broader reasons entirely and began myopically as if the drugs and their effects were in and of themselves, the problems or issues that need to be dealt with.

I tried to merge the bigger reason into the less important reason by easing into it "Albeit begrdudgingly", but I guess it's conspicuously divergent from what I had been talking about all along. I thought it might be irrelevant, thanks for confirming it. It's going to pain me to change it, but I guess sometimes it's in your best interest to go with the script.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / Taking courses of more than one subject prepare students for a broad spectrum of careers [7]

2nd line - I have strong reason to believe that the first policy has early precedent, by empowering students with a basic understanding and framework of diverse subject areas and interests, so they can harness those skills to puruse highly specialized research and related endeavors in the field of their choice.

3rd line - Scrap "for one thing", this is colloquial

point - You might want to provide a symposium for the things you will be talking about in the early going, rather than jumping headfirst into it. Maybe start out with a sentence here that hints at the parallel nature of the points you will be making. Something like, "having a grasp of a wide variety of subject areas is multipurpose; it facillitates further learning, especially in fields where, without requisite knowledge, one might be incapable, or not have a good enough understanding of interdisciplinary material mutual to their field. This might ultimately prevent them from understanding and/or appreciating the dynamic intricacies that are characteristic of their chosen field.

This is just the educational aspect. It may be a run on, but it has relevant point. Notice how it can branch out into so many different subplots.

You can talk about the work aspect now, and there's alot of material you can work with. You already addressed these things somewhat, just that you don't do it in a well coordinated manner.

There's a philosophical aspect.

What about the practical aspect.

How to change a tire (auto). Discipline your child (child psychology). How to handle food to prevent illness (epidemiology). How to make a graph in excel, (basic ITE). The list goes on and on, and I mentioned these things in specific because I learned most of what I know about them in a wide variety of classes.

There are so many angles you can take. You can prove your point simply by pointing out the omnipresence of it. The question is not asking you to acknowledge specialization as much as it is asking you to give good reasons why taking different subjects is beneficial.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Essays / How to Start an Essay (with the question?) [12]

To me, starting an essay with a question is unbearably cliche for an experienced audiece, with few exceptions in my limited experience.

- If you are a good writer you can quickly address the question in an unconventional manner which deflects attention and provides you with an opening to move the reader along rapidly.

- Sometimes you can deliberately craft a scintillating conclusion which you think follows from some premises and work it into the question. At this point the onus is on you to prove it with a series of points that you try to relate to each other at critical junctures.

At some point, using questions to open as a literay device becomes obsolete when you can just as easily state your assertions forcefully to open, with the benefit of increased clarity and diminished awkwardness.

Here's a basic idea, even though you don't say what the topic is.

1. What are the most important qualities in a person that determine their success?

2. Is there any quality that can conceivably rival the importance of X in determining the relative success of a person.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Freedom is like air", UT Austin, statement of purpose [4]

That was very moving, even keeled, and flowed well.

I must be incredibly dense to ask this, but the first sentence is presumably referring to the unfortunate incident near the end of the story, right?

I cannot find any glaring mistakes, only the opportunity in a few parts to make great writing marginally better.

Unlike my peers who ...

It might not be your writing style, but you could make this transition more sensational.

In doing so, you could also add another dimension of unpredictability.

The way you might change the transition is contingent on when you were inspired by Dr. Cook. Did you "become" inspired by him prior in your life to this directional shift in the paper, where you subesquently refer to your mom becoming disabled, or is this a feeling of how you are inspired today? If you became inspired before, you can say that you finally/really had some purpose and motivation, but it was not to be, increasing the rhetoric sharply. If not, you can take a different angle, reminiscing on how you had come such a long way from vietnam and you were looking forward to college, then suddenly you became acquainted with another fact of life; it's unpredictability.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Georgetown - Somalian Pirates [8]

"Pirates have used the oceans to exert control over peoples for over twelve-hundred years"

Although technically that's correct, pirates are definitely known to have operated as far back as julius caesar. That's at least 2,000 years.

livius.org/caa-can/caesar/caesar_t01.htm

"However, the recent terrorist attacks inflicted upon unwary ships off the East African coast by Somali pirates have shocked both the public and the international community."

Either you are being intentionally inflammatory, or you are just another prototypical example of a person who has unwittingly incoporated into the vernacular, duplicitious, incendiary language that is used haphazardly and especially to further the elite interests of those who conspire to spark fear, and hatred in people for their own convoluted agenda.

The Somali pirates are criminals, not terrorists. So far most would agree, their motivation to attack ships for ransom is financial, and divested from any political or religious motives.

"These acts constitute a global crisis"

Blatant Hyperbole. This is not a global crisis by any measure. It is highly lozalized, you admitted as much.

"For the future stability of Somalia, it is critical that these countries continue to support the Transitional Federal Government in its struggle against the comparatively more militant Islamic Courts Union government that has taken the Somali capital. These and other steps will ensure further progress on the ground, allowing Somalia to eventually take action on its own to circumvent the terrorist activities originating at its shores."

Under the Islamic Government which you cited above, piracy declined to virtually nothing. It may come as a surprise to you, but this direct contradiction could threaten to undermine your entire essay.

"Somalia: Pirates Scared Off By Islamic Punishments

A year ago, we reported that pirates had hijacked two UN ships loaded with food supplies, destined for the poor of Somalia. These ships, the Torgelow and the MV Semlow, contained provisions from the UN's World Food Program. At that time, piracy in Somalia was so bad that the International Maritime Bureau described it as the "most serious in the world". There were 21 incidents in the six months from March 2005 to October 2005.

The Merchant International Group, which gives advice on trading in trouble spots around the world, said in a recent report: "The spread of Islamist rule in Somalia under the Islamic Courts Union merits particular attention. Over 40 attacks on vessels were reported in and around Somali waters between March 2005 and July 2006, but not a single act of piracy in the area has been reported in the months since."

westernresistance.com/blog/archives/003215.html

In the second paragraph you might want to add where these ships that they have are being held.

Your essay is rife with spurious claims and frightening evidence of indoctrination, but as is, it should pass grammatically, and also on the veracity of the content, if your professor is a completely incompetent idiot.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Undergraduate / common app short answer- macaroni penguins [4]

This is a start, and I don't think it alters the meaning much, if at all.

"That's a lemur!" four-year-old Claire proclaimed. I was astounded; I had read this book to six and seven year olds many times, but none had shown such precociousness. She flipped page after page and pronounced all the animals, "Lemur, leopard, llama, macaroni penguin, manatee..." Wait, "macaroni penguin"? Four-year-old Alexis would have been excited that Kraft was expanding their shaped noodle spectrum, and this little girl knew them by picture. CONFUSED?

Read Aloud doesn't seem exciting on the surface -- spending an hour or two reading Clifford the Big Red Dog, or whatever books I had in my bin that day, but it was! I liked it from the beginning; but it was kids like Claire that made me love it. Every week that I went to the Delaware State University daycare, I was eager to see my kids and watch their reading skills improve. It is true what they say, small children's brains are like sponges, and it was exciting to watch their growth and to have been a part of it. I don't think that I could ever be a teacher, but volunteering with my Delaware State kids made me appreciate the job a little more than I already did, and now I know what macaroni penguins are too!
Mustafa1991   
Feb 20, 2009
Undergraduate / PSEOP Admission Essay - post secondary essay (every ounce I have) [8]

4th line - Medical school requires a lot of time and effort ... and I am willing to see to it that I give it my best.

5th/6th line - ... college atmosphere, for the respect, added responsibility and increased difficulty, and to gain an appreciation for what college life is like.

7th line/point - starting off with "the first reason" "second reason" ... is something you will hopefully outgrow at some point in your academic career. It's better to start explaining the reasons without first saying redundantly, "this is the reason". Just do it!

7th line - As an example: Due to some key structural differences, college can present unique obstacles for a student who has just graduted from high school. Particularly striking is the relative autonomy in college, which is in contrast with high school, where you must ask for permission to use bathroom and are forced by strict rule to attend classes. In high school, a student's final grade is usually a composite of many different kind of assignments, including homework, quizzes, tests, projects, and class participation. This allows for greater indiscretion because missing a few assignments won't devastate your grade. In college however, the final grade in many classes consists of fewer than 5 grades, mainly papers and tests. Missing one assignment in some classes can relegate you to the brink of failure. This magnifies the importance of each assignment and reflects the very serious nature of college in comparison with high school.

It's yours from here; there are so many differences you can write about but those are probably the most important.

The parent teacher interaction in high school is nonexistent in college. You're a responsible citizen who is capable of making his own decisions. College It's much more serious in academic standards ie probation, etc etc I prefer college over high school any day with regard to its grade structure and autonomy.

High school is a joke, the kind of environment that impedes your growth and squanders your intelligence. I'm glad I saw that before I wasted 2 more years of my life doing nothing.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Georgetown - Somalian Pirates [8]

Misnomer would rightly apply here if there was not a documented pattern of misuse having not so much to do with pirates in this case, but an overreach that is self-perpetuating and indicates this probably isn't the first and last time it happened, and more to the point, it is in many cases a deliberate misuse for the reasons I've already illustrated. But notice that I said it was possible his intent was not malicious, which is why I took appropriate action to clarify for him that he is engaging in something that he may not even be realizing.

It's partly my fault at the end for muddling what I was trying to say. His essay is grammatically intact. It is well written.

The content is not amusing; it is riddled with untoward errors and has few clearly defined methodologies for combating piracy. This is of course self-evident when your major premise is that evicting the "militant islamic government" will result in the abation of piracy.

Major Point: These are not merely happenstance errors. They are not isolated mistakes. They are clues to a sickening ideology.

Let's hold all things equal. Imagine for a second here that we live in a world we are all stupid and know nothing.

What are the odds that you make the mistake that removing something will cause the exact reciprocal effect which it does in reality?

Plausible you say.

What about when these are two distinct matters?

This is NOT someone who has never heard of peanut butter and jelly before, saying that removing peanut butter might make it taste good, all things equal.

These are complex interactions on a much higher scale, which makes it even more unlikely that he made an innocent mistake.

What makes it infinitesimally unlikely, it it wasn't already?

This is your Undergraduate Admission Essay, and this is an issue you are supposed to care about theoretically.

With the control that we know nothing, making the exact opposite mistake on two things you had no prior experience with is unlikely.

When these things are intangible and not proximate, it is even more unlikely.

When you misuse the word terrorist in the same page, it is extremely unlikely

Add the final consideration that this is his undergrad adm. essay, this point is his central tenet, and this is supposed to be something he cares about, and my case is complete.

I don't even have that much of an interest in the piracy, but I had managed to know by occasionally reading current events, that when the Islamic Government was in power, piracy was not an issue.

Just a few final points. Of course I didn't intend any disrespect to Michael, Kevin, or anybody else.

I made a legitimate point that if you are an admissions officer, and you are reading these essays about what the applicants think are important issues, and you are so imprudent that you fail to see they've made a very serious error which throws a pile of festering defecation on, and makes a mockery of the word "important" and their assertion that this is important to them, you deserve to be called a "completely incompetent idiot" in all respects.

Again, please let me reiterate that whether Michael has consciously chosen to attack or wrongly associate negative connotations with a religion and way of life for 1.2 billion people is up in the air. I meet a lot of people who don't even realize that they are proliferating something that is so damaging and seditious. It IS personal. It IS offensive.

But I am open minded, so of course I give him the benefit of the doubt that it is unintentional, but also I try to rectify the situation by making it very clear that he might be engaging in something extremely deleterious without being aware of it.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 21, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Thanks for your suggestions, I've fixed those mistakes accordingly. Also, I decided to drop "psychology" from the topic because it adds another aspect which is too much for me to address without losing my mind. If behavioral psychological points come up then great, but I'm not going to devote so much time to it. I've started briefly on Marijuana. Let me know what you think.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 23, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

With regard to the psychological effects I wasn't referring to the euphoria and bliss that are sought out through drug use, as much as I was the pervading reasons at heart why a statistically important percentage of the population cannot function sober, without them. You know what I'm talking about, those people who can't go a day or a week without alcohol or marijuana, or whatever their crutch is. We are not stupid; we know the temporary utopian effects which accompany drug use. The real question is, why is it that a statistically disturbing segment of the population, more in some countries than others but all throughout still, cannot live for extended periods of time without a xanax bar or alcohol, or other drug, even when their lives have ample opportunity for moderate, nevertheless profound, sensible pleasure seeking habits. You can try to advance an argument that ordinary citizens are just trying to get a piece of the ultimate pleasure that no one can deny them, but that argument, although it becomes stronger when you compare drug use in the projects to middle class citizens, ultimately falters when you look at the elite who can pay people to paint a portrait of them of them for the rest of their life, have unlimited conventional pleasure, and seem at least on the surface to be well-rounded and mentally healthy, but succumb to extreme habits and destuctive diversions, all as a function of man's never ending desire and insatiable nature that I think, invariably comes back full circle to the question of life vision or purpose. Man cannot escape his inquisitive nature, no matter what the superficial circumstances that surround and appear to become a part of him. I was going to pursue that dynamic, of course at the same time trying to relate it to the effects of the drug.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 24, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Look, I'm not presupposing or begging the question on anything. The writing is on the wall in bold red letters, it says that drug use even sparingly, much less what is characteristic of a psychological dependence, is harmful to your health and longevity. Now, what you're arguing is that people should have the right to choose for themselves if they want to accept those risks because they're outweighed by the unique, personal benefits that they have for the person; even if it means they don't live as long, at least they live great while they live.

Do you see the problem here? You are arguing from a position of morality on the superlative of life on a personal level, as a person who will readily admit that ideally, if they could have it their way, they wouldn't be psychologically dependent on the drug.

A drug user's definition of "good" or "benefits" is highly questionable because it's from a position that could be deconstructed if I were to use a circumstancial ad hominem argument.

Really, that argument would be appropriate in this circumstance though, because most drug users themselves will tell you that this is not the way they would have it if they were making the rules. They are playing drugs as an improvisation due to some causal, personal deficience after the fact.

So, although this is an extreme example, it's similar in principle to a person who has a gun to their head and would rather die than be raped by whatever deficiency, real or perceived, that they feel is a part of them.

Take the latter away, and do you think anyone would choose objectively to be shot?
Hell no.

This is not about someone for whom drug use is an occasional trinket in light of their important life values.
It is about the person who for some reason or another, cannot function without drugs. They are psychologically dependent, and any argument they make that the "benefits" outweigh the drawbacks is nullified on two accounts, one that no one will take them seriously, which is incidentally a function of the second account, the same reason for which they will openly admit, this is not how they would have it, and frankly it's not how anyone would have, or envision it, in the beginning.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 25, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Are you trying to back me into a corner by using a loaded, limited word like addict that has a stigma which is pretty much universal, so what it does here is diminish my points by arousing feelings of antipathy to patronization?

Or are you misinterpreting what I'm referring to when I say drug use, and just as importantly, why I say drug use, through no fault of your own, but my own ineptitude in defining things clearly and comprehensibly (which is good, because that's what we're here to work on) ?

I think you would be wise to understand why I didn't mention the word addict in my opening paragraph. First of all, in a drug using society such as America, the word addict applies only to a limited number of people, if we are going by what the word really symbolizes. As I've already mentioned, it has an incredible stigma, which for a lot of people conjures up mental images of a raggedy unkempt person in the back of an alley shooting up their smack next to a homeless guy.

Addict doesn't begin to define the issue at hand because it precludes many drug users who also have a problem, and who don't happen to fit the definition/label of an "addict."

Again, in your last post you are not only missing the gist of what I'm saying, but also you are oversimplifying, marginalizing, and perverting what I mean so it sounds like something a junior high kid or elementary kid school could understand.

"Oh, addicts are bad." - that's what joe in the 8th grade can surmise

I'd be happy to point out something that is simple at face value. I don't feel the need to overcomplicate and belabor petty things because it only obscures the point and in most cases it is transparent.

My contention here:

- Addiction is a limited word AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, it has a medical distinction from dependence. Addiction is when you will stop at nothing, and bear just about any consequence to satiate your compulsion, until the next time. A dependence, in order to function in your newly adapted state, is not as serious, and even though it may be quite bothersome and cause disruption, it can be worked through more easily than addiction.

Drug abuse can occur in one use when you either use too much of a substance, or use it for non medical purposes.

Do you see Sean, how drug use encompasses all those facets without precluding one to the detriment of another?

Your post on "making judgments" refers only to drug abuse. But in any case, surely I can pass judgment on drug abuse alone when it has been proven that it can lead to dependence or addiction.

That's just the route of taking the most precaution, but drug abuse can be harmful on its own merit, with just one use. People die through overdoses and deadly interactions between different drugs.

But to be fair, as I outlined in the beginning, I really hoped to point out that I'm not dogging drugs because of the risks, but I am trying to shed some light on the psyche's of people who are dependent, were dependent, or are on the route to becoming dependent; people who ever worried about addiction at some point, people who became addicted, people who were formerly addicted. Even to some extent I'm including drug abuse although it's harder to ascertain, because even though it might not even lead to a second instance of abuse, the motive for using it the first time could well be rooted in the same reasons as people who have progressed to further, more chronic use. The statistics on addiction will not reflect the mind of a person who was discontented and decided to use drugs, became scared as hell for some reason, and decided not to use it again. So, I'm purposefully not going to define who exactly I'm talking about because we just don't know peoples motives all the way through. However, If I'm pushed hard enough, I can defend myself and give reasons why I'm not going to limit my scope. This is a dynamic issue which has no concise answer. It's not as simple as "it's obvious addicts have a problem."

On that point, somehow you fail to address the problem which I tried explaining numerous times (feel free to scroll), and make it all black and white instead.

We are not only dicussing addicts, but also we are discussing the people who may have been on the road to dependence but maybe suddenly never used drugs again. Sure, they may have averted the more serious fate, but we would like to know what enticed them to use drugs in the first place. So in my opinion, the very broad class of drug users, is parallel with the very broad class of people who probably face the same demons that I described above, but don't necessarily meet the same fate as an "addict" per se.

Why would I include those people if they never progressed to a dependence or addiction? Because many times their drug use has a common reason and less importantly for our purpose, but pragmatically (to appease the dedicated scientists and "black and white" posterboys), carries serious health risks much like their peers' use which emanates from dependence or addiction.

In short, I can isolate and decry drug abuse which I'm entitled to, but I feel that it's harder to make salient points due to the possibility of varying motives, even though my suspicion would lead me to believe they're not AS varying as I grant for arguments sake.

So the only solution I have is to be accomodating to everyone and say "drug use", and if I'm forced to defend that term, I am well capable of doing it.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 26, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Let's try bullet points. If you have an objection to what I say, just point out the bullet.
Here we go.. You like to simplify things, so I've simplified my points in such a manner that is more compatible with your views.

- Drug use for "social purposes" is non medical, therefore it is drug abuse. There is nothing to talk about. It is drug abuse.

- There is a medical distinction between addiction and dependence. Call it pedantic, I could argue for a long time the monumental differences, but inevitably you will hijack the argument and turn it into something way departed from what it was originally. So, we'll leave it at that first sentence. Addiction and dependence are medically different, and I think we'll have to leave it to the PhD's and MD's on that.

I'd be willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that if we took a survey of people on the street, the first thing people would admit to thinking of when they heard the word addict would be drug related and in line with what I was talking about. Stop making idealist jibes and try being realistic for once. However, since this is not black and white to your liking, I've "de-bulleted" it so it can be stricken from the "record", or your consideration I should say.

- I'm going to neglect almost every other point you make about sugar and video games and so on because it wouldn't conform to the high standard that is required of a bullet. We are talking black and white here, Sean here. In an earlier post you mentioned the respective "addiction" rates for marijuana and cocaine. If I recall correctly, it was 1/7 and roughly 1/3 respectively.

Do you HONESTLY think 1/7 people who drive, will be seriously injured or impacted in a life-changing auto accident?

Even though, unfortunately this doesn't conform to the bullet standard (most things don't) I still have to mention it; but don't get all ruffled, it will be stricken from the record, you can disregard it and be confident that you are not obliged to take it into consideration.

I've tried time and time again to avoid pointing out the direct, quantitative and qualitative damages that result from drug use, because that wasn't the approach I had in mind when I began. (see most people contend that the problem..) I tried to point out the broader reasons, but in the interest of shortsightedness, which is a recurring theme around here, drug use can be tracked back to too many problems for someone to argue in its favor. I understand and appreciate that there are actually people out there who use drugs responsibly and limitedly like they would any product in their pantry or cupboard. But these people are overshadowed by others who can't and don't use it for the purposes they do. For that reason we have to lump them in there as part of the problem. What is the problem?

-10's of thousands of people die from alcohol related crashes each year.
-The economic cost of drug users who cannot contribute to society, and instead make themselves a drain on society. We are talking the productivity, health, and other losses that add up to 100s of billions of dollars annually in the United States.

- The emotional and real suffering that drug users and their families must deal with.

These three points shut down your rebuttals categorically, and that's just a bare minimum so I can preserve the white space.

On a side note. I think I've concluded that I'm going to have to focus only on the physiological and neurological effects because I only have 3 or 4 pages to work with
Mustafa1991   
Feb 27, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Green Jeans" / "The love of my life" / "Fathers" - rhetorical essays (finals) [9]

I think all in all, you have a distinctive writing style that's not painful to read, which is good because that's the most important element of an essay.

At the same time, I think it's safe to say that you're a bit too candid and portray yourself as somewhat neurotic. We all have our idiosyncracies but sometimes it's best not to mention them in all their glory, or at least try to streamline them so the reader doesn't become uncomfortable and feel as though they are too familiar with you, if that's possible just by reading your essay.

Give it your style with a few quirks, but don't make it more personal than it has to be, especially because some professors will judge what you say subconsciously and it might adversely affect your relationship.

I'm going to be honest myself, I feel that your first essay is not only insipid, but worse, redundantly insipid.

Your second essay probably has the best stuff but you need to develop a stringent cable-wire that carries it all the way through. You could very easily start out with your father who abandoned you, talk at length about how it affected you personally. Describe what you thought would be your lasting impression of men, then devote a section to your fiance and all his good qualities and how he changed your outlook on men. Then bring it back all the way around and show how men are treated unfairly in court on issues of child custody etc etc. It would be an accurate depiction of the court system and you could depict some unique aspects that help us to see that. In the end, point out the ex-wife, the villian, highlight the great man among a group of great men you didn't knew existed, and you have a pretty tight essay.

Your third essay I rank as 2 out of 3 because it is a major life event and salvages what would otherwise be another essay 1. We need to feel that we didn't waste our time reading these essays. Believe me when I say it's better to emphasize a good theme with little detail than vice versa. Your profesor will regard more highly an essay that shows critical thinking skills and analysis as opposed to one that spews at the mouth. The point in writing these essays is to develop your ability to convey your important thoughts and ideas to us. It is not something where we necessarily want to hear about unimportant details that are loosely scattered about with no rhyme or reason, and we end up feeling that we didn't enrich our minds but instead added more pointless traffic to our short term memory. Unless it is a narrative essay, and you can make things really interesting for our leisure, my opinion is that it's best to stick to a "thesis" and push that thesis no matter what it is. We will probably be compelled to think about your thesis, whatever it is, and that's more than you can say for reading an unimaginative crack at a narrative.
Mustafa1991   
Feb 28, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

I think I've found what my problem is in making you understand. I keep pointing out relevant stuff, but stuff that deviates from my most important assertion. First in response to Kevin, I didn't mean that you shouldn't try drugs for non medical purposes. The pantry and cupboard remark is just my vague way of saying the following:

*Your motivation for trying drugs, I think, will determine in most cases if it becomes a habit, and should also probably be the deciding factor that shapes the verdict on whether or not your use is in good faith, or if it is a futile attempt at escapism; an attempt that in good fortune, is many times discontinued, but appears to some people like a fleeting glance at sanity, and in desperation they pursue it, completely oblivious that they will walk in place, treading those first few steps of "harmony" time and time again, until they realize that there is no point forward in the route they have taken, and usually by that time, it's of coure too late to back out of the dark and destructive tunnel which they have entered, and the door closes on them.*

I don't know but you seem to think that I'm one of those people who accept what they are told and stick to it regardless what the circumstances. You think I read books and monograms and pontificate on things which I've never even seen firsthand? On the contrary, I'm hesitant to comment on something that I haven't seen or experienced in some form myself, which should tell you that I've abused drugs, by my own definition before.

I've tried lsd, mdma, speed, oxycontin, percocet, and cocaine, all once, and marijuana at least 5 times on different days.

I went in with a clear purpose to chronicle each drug to make a personal guide to their effects for my use, in a safe, mitigating environment. Also, of course I wanted to see what was so captivating about them.

What I found varied depending on the drug I used, but the one consistency was that there were definitely some appealing characteristics, especially with mdma and cocaine, but then a "comedown" or cash that should indicate to any educated person right away, one, this cannot be sustained, two, the secondary effects make it not worth using.

What came as a complete surprise to me was after using mdma, my attitude and personality actually changed to be more altruistic and I found myself thinking about people and things in such a positive light that I had never seen before. I was myself in a few days after that.

I ended up arriving at the conclusion that any positive effects drugs are rooted in self-interest. Second, that people who use drugs non-medically, have to be willingly crazy to believe they have much value.

- There is a very good reason that the effects of drugs are so sorrowfully temporary. It is inherently stupid, unnatural, and unattainable to try to change who you are fundamentally by becoming intoxicated. It should be self-evident when the vast majority of drugs lead to rapid tolerance and the effects are shortlived for mere hours following use; they cannot offer any sustained value.

- The favorable effects of drug use on your personality, they make you "less critical", etc etc, have their own problem in my opinion. They emanate from euphoria and bliss, and so they are incredibly selfish and vested in self-interest. Hedonism cannot yield any virtue, even hedonists will admit. When you are feeling the best you have in your life, what reason do you have not to treat others well? It's all about you, a turpitude that is mind-bogglingly damaging and causes far too many problems, probably if one had to choose, the biggest reason for drug use.

-* So I find it hard put in words, to relay, how preposterous I think it is that people would appeal to hedonism and essentially, cosmetic surgery on the soul, to try to find the answer in life. It shows a weak will, feeble character, and a diseased mind that so many people follow this convenient, dead end trap-route.

- I respect what I perceive Sean is saying though, in a limited sense, because there ARE some people who might abuse drugs from the outset, knowing full well not to expect much from them and relegating them to their rightful place as a terrible scourge. It's only when this understanding falters, or when it escalates as it often does, to even the tinest hope that drugs have something intangible and of worth to offer you, that you are letting the drugs abuse you and not vice versa.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 1, 2009
Undergraduate / SBU Essay - An Intellectual Experience [5]

Here I am laughing aloud because I cannot fathom the thought that you would stay up the whole night mystified about a play.

That is my point actually. You cannot have that much genuine passion. I don't know you but it looks like there is a lot of unabashed posturing in your essay.

exhibit 101: "having gotten over our initial stunned silence"

So much so, that I'd be interested in reading about your reaction to a near death experience for my own intellectual experience..

Much of your essay is recapping a play when you should really be reflecting critically on your thoughts, on your growth.

Like Tyler said, this play has undoubtedly been reviewed extensively so your recap is unwarranted because the interpretation you offer is probably already someone else's property.

I would ask simply: What does this essay tell us about your personal reflection that cannot be looked up in a review, much less be unique?
Mustafa1991   
Mar 1, 2009
Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

ahhhhhhh, good stuff. If it takes a pretext to make your spine show, I'm all for it.

Personality baby, I can't stand people who are not hyper opinionated..

I've incorporated much of what you said, with the exception of the first paragraph that I'm debating whether or not to drop.

Also, I'm on the prowl for amplifiers and redundant phrases, both of which are just part of my writing at this stage.

I have to issue a few clarifications.

"While a psychologist... that was after reading a bunch of journal abstracts, the language has an influence on you like an accent in a foreign country. That reminds me that I have to read some challenging books to help better my writing skills.

"the aging process.. actually, at the time I felt it was important to add the bit about hastening the imminence, so in some way it must be relevant from an accuracy standpoint.

Ostensibly. That was my first attempt at using the word although I've encountered it many times in reading. I always thought it meant something like perceptible. In any case, you have to misuse words a few times before you can understand and get a feel for the proper context for its use.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 1, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Green Jeans" / "The love of my life" / "Fathers" - rhetorical essays (finals) [9]

Are you serious? I have 3 sisters and enough [white] female friends.

I can't imagine any of them would be interested in these essays.

If by "younger" you mean hopeless, "single" you mean single for a reason, and "women" you mean gay women for all their functionality, you hit the bulls eye.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 1, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay on a personal challenge at school [5]

1st line - lackluster opening sentence.. "I had to deal with the situation" < we understand that at some point you felt you had to resolve this challenege, that's implied. So what are you telling us?

2nd line - all the sixth graders... to see if they

poor intro all aroud, no defined objective, just straight into your detached recital.

even if you are working under a word constraint, you should have some closure in your conclusion

speaking of which, the conclusion becomes awkward and confusing. this might have something to do with informal terms and tense problems.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 3, 2009
Poetry / Neruda Poem, a reply to the author [5]

Alright, I started Eng 112 today.

We have to read the following poem, and submit a reply from the perspective that we're replying to the author, to help people become "acquainted with us." The poem, instructions, and my response are all here. My response ended up rhyming an awful lot, the "ee" sound. Let me know what you think, just for kicks.

OH BY THE WAY. I, MUSTAFA FROM NVCC, OWN THE RIGHTS TO MY WORK HERE.

Instructions:

Neruda writes: "Someone will ask later, sometimes/searching for a name, his own or someone else's/why I neglected..." Consider that you are the person Neruda has forgotten to mention.

Write a letter to Neruda, telling him about yourself. How would you like Neruda to remember you? Why would you like Neruda to remember you? You can write about any of your qualities that Neruda mentions in his poem: your sadness, your love, your reason, your delirium, your hardships, or you can tell him about a quality you have that he has omitted.

Neruda Poem:

REMOVED

MUSTAFA'S (FROM NVCC) PROPERTY:

Now you mention that you neglected me,
that you failed me, but how exactly
can you speak to what is me? The fact is, you know nothing about me.
Let me tell you what I think of your plight. Perhaps in doing
so I can explain why I say that I worry more for you than you could ever for me.
I admired your courage and accountability. You had a
unique opportunity to draw attention to people
who had no voice. You had a pulpit to cast the spotlight
on those who were amoral and depraved. You didn't shirk
your responsibility and that's mountains more than you could say for other people who were in a similar position but chose to do nothing. But, it seems now you too have erred;

subtly, but no less egregiously. You played a role that has
since long passed, but you feel the need to wallow in regret
and sorrow. You are kidding no one, not even yourself.
You started out doing a noble deed, but somewhere,
in some moment, you became corrupted and lost sight
of your purpose. When was that? It seems like such
a long time ago. When was it that you understood and accepted what role you had to play?
Now you are the pitied. Dare try you to elevate yourself to a position of higher authority?
How is it that you've overlooked the one commonality, the cohesive fabric that we're all human beings?
No, you would have yourself believe you are the final authority. Beyond you, there is no jury??
We have all faded to parity and ultimate justice.
So how would I have you remember me? As a void in your memory.
Why would I have you remember me? I wouldn't.
You are polar to me, so you look at yourself and see what is not me.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 3, 2009
Poetry / Neruda Poem, a reply to the author [5]

Haha, sorry if I gave the impression that the poem is mine?

I just wrote the reply. That poem was written by Pablo Neruda.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 5, 2009
Essays / "Driving Under the Influence" - Thesis [4]

Driving under the Influence"

very dangerous" is very ambiguous

besides serious accidents, physical or mental handicaps, it "can also" lead to something else worth mentioning; death

can lead"

Walking outside on the sidewalk can lead to physical handicap and death. I like to leave open the possibilities on matters which are uncertain myself. But you chose this topic expressly as "driving under the influence." We don't talk about driving under the influence because driving under the influence is something that you can do to pass the time on road trips and OH BY THE WAY, IT CAN LEAD TO PHYSICAL HANDICAP. See where I'm going with this?

Unless driving under the influence has some casual use to you, unbeknownst to me, the only reason we are talking about it is because it increases your risk of getting into an accident and being injured or dying.

It's important to understand context.

Imagine you are talking to your friends who "drive under the influence" all the time and think of it as like a hobby or something. You tell them, "driving under the influence", which they think is a hobby, "can lead" to death.

That would work. They are innocent to our definition, our construct of what driving under the influence is.

We operate under a particular, imposed definition of what "driving under the influence" means.

So you must assert very strongly, in specific terms, something about driving the influence as we perceive it. It must take into account OUR perception to be effective.

Our perception of the subject of your thesis actually says more than your thesis itself. That's very weak.

You must consider what makes the assortment of words drving/ under/ the/ influence, a subject in and of itself. Why isn't "licking lollipops by the pool" a valid subject?

You need to put yourself in other people's shoes, imagine yourself in their position.

What do they think? What do they feel? How do they feel? What are their motivations? How do they think? Why do they think that way? etc etc etc

Analyze people critically, answer some basic questions. It will help you become a stronger, better apt person who can understand and cope, if not deal with almost any situation imaginable.

That's my best recommendation, above and beyond tying your shoelaces.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / Oh Spring! Where is your sense of humor? [5]

To begin, men, or women with the name john, shouldn't use a word as strong as heartbroken to describe their mental state. Disappointed, sure. Heartbroken I could understand if that was your girl/man (it seems) or something and he described you as all those things before he said he no longer wanted to see you. So the way I see it, it appears you are asking in a writing forum, something for which you should seek the consultation of a psychiatrist if you think it warrants it or the good help of someone who knows you personally.

Second, your heart may be racked by the emptiness, by the word you uttered up there, however, you cannot extend that misfortune to be reality. You can accept that grass is blue, but in no uncertain terms, the grass is still luscious green.

Asking help for your writing is a guise that you conceived to conceal the purpose of what you are asking. It sounds like you have some personal problems that you need to work through.

I'm not qualified to offer you advice that you should take unequivocally, but I think referring back to the insecurity that you mentioned, you have some issues with self-worth. We all need to feel that we matter to someone; it's the feeling that drives us to seek out relationships with other people. Having contempt for other people might be a defense mechanism to deplore what you feel is their callousness. So you seek to build this image of yourself, this impenetrable building.

The building has several dimensions that serve your individual needs. Its height is to show that it is self-reliant and successful and to fill the second need; to draw attention and respect and admiration. Its brick is to protect anyone from seeing through it and exposing the structure for what it really is, a vulnerable house of cards that could fall over.

You have in my opinion, two fundamentally distinct routes that you can take to alleviate your problem.

One is to address the problem, which I think is your issue with self-worth. Believe it or not, we each add something to this world, not because of what we can do, or because of our crude, sanitized abilities, but just because of who we are.

Some people only feel satisfaction from doing something which they are good at.

That's more inclined to the second, far more precarious route of deception, namely self-deception. In order for this to work, you must convince yourself of your importance. How can you do that? You must have people constantly telling you that you are important. In crude form, the overbearingness and pretentiousness is an innate function of this.

However, if you don't refine these feelings into something of a useful form, you risk letting people see you as a bitter, cold, and distant person.

So refine those raw feelings into something which can foster their well-being and also protect them. If you are a doctor, people might say you are entitled to sneer at whomever you want. You can put on this pretense that you are cold and unfeeling, which helps make you feel strong, masks your incredible need for affection, and at the same elicit respect and admiration from others, by being someone who serves a vital function in the community.

As you briefly mentioned Socrates above, you might be aware that he said the following:

"Be as you wish to seem" That's open to your interpretation of it.

Whatever you do, pick a route, #1 or 2, and remain resolute.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Nanyang: My proudest achievement essay. [9]

1st line - serious writing doesn't acknowledge itself. that's for kids, kids who are discouraged to do it beginning in high school.

..is no doubt. why use the plural, doubts? it obfuscates your writing and sounds awkward. consider why you would use that idiom to begin with, and you'll concur.

2nd line - "land" is weak, it sounds like something a jock would say. in sports conversations it might be well-suited to the topic for the sake of getting the sports signficance across in an uncomplicated manner, but that's not the case with writing.

you repeated "lawn tennis" in close proximity of each other. change the first utterance "I played the best three hours of lawn tennis" to something more universal. how can you describe this without referring to the fact that you are playing a sport?

From here on - your sentences are jumpy, that is, they don't work together or follow in progression from one another.

choose one aspect that you want to describe and devote at least a few interconnected sentences to it.. this will be the story, the body

good luck
Mustafa1991   
Mar 8, 2009
Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

it's a legitimate question.

I don't think so, otherwise I wouldn't post material for revision here.

still, I read a plagiarism tutorial and it said that you can "plagiarize" YOUR OWN work if you submit it to two different places.

but I don't think this qualifies as a submission. its explicit purpose is for revision. of course some professors don't see it that way. I wouldn't risk it unless you are sure that your professor is not some weirdo who would like to make your life miserable vis a vis him/her being a miserable person.

your definition is kind of vague, I would play it safe if I were you
Mustafa1991   
Mar 9, 2009
Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

I agree with kevin 100% here.

I could never envision myself using an outline.

The way I write, ideas formulate as I go along and sometimes I end up with a completely different approach than what I had anticipated.

My "outline", or the major points in my essay, don't become clear until I can write freely, with reason, and without any constricting script that I have to adhere to.

Understandably though, for major papers you want to have at least SOME idea of what you will be writing about.

But even in a long paper, I would not premeditate for too long. Just say I want to write about this. Form an opinion, start writing, and soon ideas and topics for paragraphs will pop up in your head.

It probably has to do with how you think. Some people can detach themselves from their writing, but others like myself have to be in the moment.

That said, I've never ever used an outline or formally "brainstormed" on paper, for anything.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Statement: Studying People my Whole Adult Life [6]

Hey man, I admire the fact that you are taking the initiative to enrich your mind. Most of the subjects you mentioned, and psychology which you alluded to, have a tendency to engross the mind because the focus on the human being invigorates our curiosity, but beware that it takes a steadfast commitment, not a fleeting fancy, to fully appreciate the wonders of our being. Sometimes you may not like what you see, but you have to accept that it's better to know than not, even though at times you might wish that you were stupid and simpleminded. Examine what it is, be strong minded.

So congratulations, but look out now.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 9, 2009
Essays / Writing a definition paper -- hard to explain well [7]

You've been assigned to take a common word/phrase CONCEPT* and give it your *interpretation* in the boundaries permitted to you.

If it's definition, you're basically saying that you can assign any meaning you want to any word.

So, by your definition, correct could mean "interesting", Generation could mean "rejuvanate", words with no relation whatsoever.

It's a nice assignment. Really, all you have to be capable of is imaginative speculation.

Assuming that it's an interpretation you are reaching for, I like some of these words.

Belief
Definition
Success
Morality
Essence
Soul
Mind
Name
Religion
Money
Knowledge
Wisdom
Determination
Change
Justice
Unfortunate
Privileged
Intelligence
Assumption
Purpose
Deceit
Me
You
Life
Accomplishment
Disagreement
Chance
Chance 2
Wish
Frailty
Forgotten
Forget
Memory
Feeling
Love
Hate
Bond
Uncertainty
Despair
Hope
Construct
Pawn
Role
Freedom
Standard
Collusion
Enemy
etc
etc
etc

You need to pick a word obviously, preferably one that you hold a unique view of, so you can truly spill your guts and have a great paper. This is a great excercise in thinking. All it takes is a pen and conviction.

Here's a guide to picking a word.

Ponder something which has always perplexed you, and relate it to an abstract concept.

Keep in mind, this is all YOU. It's whatever. No holds barred. It's all out, whatever it is about you, let it through.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / My Passion for Fitness and Wellness -- Career Goals [5]

Do you have any passion for those subjects?

Either the answer is a resounding no, or it's exceptionally hard for you to make thoughts become written words.

Here are some parameters that are basic to most essays of this nature, and in truth, at least one of them should be a genuine factor in your consideration. It's a good bet that most people will be unsuccessful if they pick something just because.

Curiousity/Fascination
Innate desire to help."
Functional mastery.
Affluence.

Pick one, or a combination of them, and write a focused, resonant narrative that jingles to the tune.

That's your formula in a nutshell.
Mustafa1991   
Mar 10, 2009
Essays / Short outline suggestions, from an introduction. [2]

THIS IS MUSTAFA'S PROPERTY. MUSTAFA FROM NVCC.

I was supposed to make this "outline." Coincidence considering our discussion earlier.. Anyway, it turned out becoming an introduction; but I still have to submit the outline. Please help me condense this into three points a) b) and the thesis, without giving it away. The sad thing is that this paper has be 700 words total in length. So I've probably exceeded the pace of 700, and I still have to do this:

2. Body

A. Show 1, point a
Show 2, point a

B. Show 1, point b
Show 2, point b

C. Show 1, point c
Show 2, point c

3. Conclusion

Outline of Compare/Contrast Essay
a) There are nearly 7 billion humans who inhabit the earth. Although at heart we are also, nearly 7 billion individuals, we are over and above split into social groups with other people who share common cultural, ethnic, racial, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds.

b) The family is one of these social units, on a far lesser scale, but unequivocally paramount and distinct. Traditionally, the family has been comprised of parents and their children. It is the most important organizational relationship among individuals for several reasons; not only does it ensure perpetuation biologically, it also prepares children socially and economically, and functions as a most fundamental place of belonging, where love is given freely, and the common frame of reference supersedes any wild impediments to the free exchange of affection, interaction, and communication; it is the unique haven for those who are a part of it, that can withstand tumult and chaos of incredible uncertainty.

c) As times have changed though, we have been scrambling to reassess and to challenge conventional notions of what it really means to be a family. The TV show, "yet to decide", and the sitcom "yet to decide", both feature families. But to someone who is unaware of what a family is, the obvious question then becomes, what are the similarities between and among the people in the two shows that gives us an indication that they both share this familial structure, and what are the differences that underscore some of the flexibility inherent, nevertheless?

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