Undergraduate / George Washington High School Drum Corps - personal quality, talent [3]

I think it's been a while since hahaha made that essay, lol. But good feedback!

Undergraduate / Personal Vision and Mission as future educator [3]

This is good. Some of these sentences are kind of long, though...

PERSONAL VISION:

I am committed to establishing and maintaining a good partnership and working relationship with the stakeholders of a society (i.e., the parents, school, and community as a whole).

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplemental Essay #1: Towards a brilliant future [8]

Let me see... Attending ISEF is kind of the fruit of your "intellectual development." So integrating the development with ISEF might work if you "reflect" back on how you got to that point, then go into how maybe ISEF put into words the thirst for discovery you had all along, or how for the first time, you realized you were part of a community of like-minded students and professionals. You don't have to go too deep into how you came to believe that nothing is impossible, the future is bright, etc., I think. You just have to explain how those ideas have pushed you in your research. It will definitely take some tinkering with what you have, but I think it's doable.

Undergraduate / Reason for attending West Point (nomination essay) [3]

This essay is a good start. However, you use a lot of vague language and do more showing than telling in your essay. Your father is an army warrant officer. How does that translate to you being interested in the military. You say integrity guides you. How? How has your school developed your maturity and independence? Why do want to serve your country in this particular way? Once you take out the extraneous words, I think you'll have a lot more room to fully explain your desire to pursue an education at West Point.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplemental Essay #1: Towards a brilliant future [8]

Yeah, you're right. But you write, "merely attending ISEF profoundly changed my hopes for tomorrow." And you don't talk about how you've developed the mindset to dream and explore and create and break the boundaries of the possible, or what your specific interests are. Your essay can still culminate with ISEF, or how you found all these people who share the same mindset, but if your point isn't the competition, it might not be best to make it the focus of your essay.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplemental Essay #1: Towards a brilliant future [8]

I agree with baileynmerrill's suggestions, and with the sentiment that this is very well written. And I do think this fits the idea of intellectual vitality. The only thing is that the prompt states that your idea/experience should be "important to your intellectual development." So are you trying to emphasize the ideas (Nothing is impossible, The future is bright), or the ISEF experience? Because you already had the ideas in you; they led you to do the research and whatever necessary to get to ISEF (in which case I'd like more background about how those ideas developed). But the competition itself was so recent that I can't really see how it's helped you grow.

Undergraduate / Drexel University Essay: why you are interested in your choice of major [4]

This essay response is okay, but I think they want a more original and unique answer than "Because I like it" and "Because I'm good at it." Everyone who wants to study Computer Science will say the same things, and you want to stand out. Write more about what kinds of Computer Science you are interested in. You write that you know the parts of the computer and are good at things like typing, but that is not Computer Science. Computer Science is learning how to write programs in coding languages. It's fine if you know that and still want to study it, but you have to say why you want CS and not another computer-related major like Information Systems, Information Technology, Digital Media, Software Engineering, or Computer Engineering (these are all majors at Drexel).

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Essay Drafting - Transitions; 'dealing with changes' [2]

This is a good start, but I don't get the change from your essay, if that makes sense. You tell me "I made that transition from needy, naive teenage girl to mature and independent young adult," but what about you has changed? You say that you are no longer dependent on your mom, but what does that even mean? You have to describe the things you did or didn't do, and how that relates to your relationship with your mom. Then you have to describe the difference in your behavior that shows you've changed. IDK, this doesn't seem so much as a transition from child to adult as much as one from child to slightly more mature child, from living with one parent to living with the other.

Writing Feedback / A day to spend the way you wish [5]

Looks good. But if you can, some details would be nice where the words are in red. Like, what is the perfect "wholesome breakfast"? Who is in your family? What indoor game? What movie?

Undergraduate / Liberal arts program essay: New University in India [3]

The best essays I've read leave out the event because A. if your essay is clear, the reader will understand the event without you explicitly stating it, and B. if you give away the event early, then there's less incentive to keep reading. However, it's a matter of preference, and it won't make or break your essay. So if you have really reservations about leaving the experience out, put back in:

I wasn't always like that and, thankfully, I did not stay that way for much longer. I can credit my change from annoying teenager back to curious learner to the book A Short History of Nearly Everythinga book by Bill Bryson.

And then take out:

I was not always like that.

When Bryson talks about how phosphorus was discovered accidentally by Henning Brand as he tried to turn human urine into gold, how can you not smile?

And maybe one or two more words, and you should be back at your character limit.

Graduate / 'I am curious person by nature' - SOP for Masters in Cyber Security [5]

Sorry for the late reply, but I think your SOP looks fine! And thanks for clarifying those terms.

Undergraduate / My Cousin is My Other Mother [6]

You'll get there! And I'm hardly a professional, haha, but thank you for the compliment! :D

Undergraduate / Personal statement - Loyola Transfer Application Essay; insults welcomed (School Paradoxes) [4]

Yeah, unfortunately, you are right in leaving out the addiction and recovery story. Even though it could be a powerful story, admissions officers are often biased against applicants with a history of substance abuse or mental illness; many have said it, and my own experience with applying to college has supported it. Especially as a transfer student, you don't want to jeopardize your chances of getting in. So I guess you need to tailor your story to A. justify your dropping out and B. market yourself as an eager and capable applicant. Which sucks because it sacrifices some authenticity but will ultimately serve you better.

So you need to explain what went wrong the first time more than just "not being able to do the work," and what will be different the next time. Because the work will be equally hard / harder at Loyola, unless you're studying something different. Yes, list courses that interest you. You can elaborate on the tutoring, but you don't have to make it a paragraph or anything...

Undergraduate / My Cousin is My Other Mother [6]

Nope! This looks really good to me. And do you need anything besides my name, Alexandra Robertson?

Graduate / Statement of Purpose in Motion Media Design - application to SCAD [3]

Is there a word limit for this? Normally, SOPs should be 2.5 - 3 pages, double-spaced maximum.

Undergraduate / My Cousin is My Other Mother [6]

Very sweet...

Out of all of my relatives , I feel that my cousin is the only person whom I feel is like my mother. Her name is Deourng Socheata ; she is the eldest of the six siblings of her family. My cousin is in her mid-40s now, but still looks very beautiful. She also has a daughter who is in her grade 9. My cousin is a strong woman; she works hard from dawn to dusk to support her family . But she does not work at the moment because of health reasons. Instead, she stays at home and helps my aunt take care of the housework, which is still a very tough work. Ever since I moved to live in her family, my cousin has made me feel very comfortable. She treats me just like her own son. In fact, she does not even allow me to help with any chores at all, for she wants me to just study hard. My cousin is the kind of person with whom I can share everything with. She is very good at giving advice, especially when I feel down about my performance at school. She's very understanding of someone my age. My cousin and my mother share a lot of similar characteristics, and most of all they look a lot like each other; that is probably why I feel happy when she is around. My commitment is to care for her as I care for my mother, for they are the most important people in my life.

Undergraduate / Personal statement - Loyola Transfer Application Essay; insults welcomed (School Paradoxes) [4]

This essay is definitely written in your voice (just don't let it get too informal, i.e. avoid contractions.), and I think that any admissions officer would appreciate your honesty. However, if you want to get into a college, I believe that your essay has to A. Show why you are special / qualified to go to that school / able to offer them something (What you can do for them), and B. Show what you are seeking from that school (What they can do for you). So... I think you have to explain:

- Why, having dropped out before because you were unable to do the work, you will succeed at Loyola
- What you at least want to study
- Why, if you don't have any career goals and just want to learn, you feel the need to go to this college, as opposed to community college, the library, etc.

Scholarship / MAJOR FIELD/ FUTURE PLANS/ STUDY OBJECTIVES - Fulbright Scholarship [6]

If your essay is supposed to be a personal statement, then I think you write a little too much about Kyrgyzstan and its businesses, and not enough about you. You should be able to go through each sentence of the prompt and see those things in your essay.

Speeches / What Will Come Next? 8th grade graduation speech [4]

No problem! :D

Scholarship / This is an essay about my heritage, which is a scholarship essay [3]

This is a very good start to your essay! However, I really wanted more details about your heritage. Where in Nigeria do you live? What kind of town/city is it? Do you speak a different language? What is important to your family and community? Who are the kinds of people you interact with, or value? Is religion a big part of your life? In what ways? You have to describe the world you grew up in to me so that I can better see how it has shaped you.

Speeches / What Will Come Next? 8th grade graduation speech [4]

You could say something like: "That means that new problems, new mistakes, new uncertainties will come. But also new friendships, new triumphs, new memories to make," or whatever the fact that you're all freshmen implies for you. And then give some little word of advice for surviving this drop to the "bottom of the food chain" with all you have gained in your year at the top; it has to be specific to what kinds of eighth-graders you are, or else it will be a cliché. And then end with some funny statement or class inside joke to get everyone hype for the future! I don't remember a word of what my high school valedictorian said, mostly because she was so quiet. But what still sticks with me a year later is her ending line, that we "Started from the bottom, now we here," from that song.

Graduate / "turn mirrors into windows" - First attempt SOP for Masters in Automation [2]

I think it's very good! Between you explaining your background and goals, I don't think there's anything you need to add or take away.

Graduate / 'I am curious person by nature' - SOP for Masters in Cyber Security [5]

My only suggestions would be these:
1. You go right into your background, but you need to start with a. What kind of degree you are seeking, and b. Why you want it? This may require you to use some of the information from later paragraphs about your desires for a research career.

2. You list all of your classes as evidence that you've studied such-and-such area. Instead, because grad schools will probably see what classes you've taken, just name two or three.

3. In your extracurricular paragraphs, what is an LAN? Also, what is JOSH, what kind of festival? What did such extracurriculars entail? This is a good place for you to talk about other skills you have, instead of just your computer knowledge.

4. Be more specific about why you want to go to the graduate schools to which you are applying. Name professors and specific features of the programs.

Scholarship / MAJOR FIELD/ FUTURE PLANS/ STUDY OBJECTIVES - Fulbright Scholarship [6]

I think your answers for #12, #13, and "Study Objectives" are fine. I still don't know what the prompt is for your essay. Overall, I get the sense that you are a very methodical person who has given a lot of thought to all of these questions. One thing that sticks out is that your responses are so business-focused, you and your personality, emotion, dreams, etc. don't really shine through. I've never read any other Fulbright responses, so I don't know whether this is good or bad. But it is to-the-point, which probably won't hurt you.

Undergraduate / "I'll be blunt" - Family history, culture, environment influence UCF essay [2]

I hate to break it to you, but college essays are very different from high school essays. Often there is a word count. College admissions officers also get bored very quickly if an essay doesn't immediately pique their curiosity. So every word matters, and every word has to be interesting. So there is no introductory paragraph. No thesis. Just tell your story.

Undergraduate / 'community feel of the campus' - BARNARD COLLEGE ESSAY: WHY BARNARD? [4]

Overall, this is an okay response. But when colleges ask "Why us?" believe it or not, your answer should still be all about you. You are trying to show why you are their perfect student, not just why they are a really good college. They already know all the things you've written about, so telling them something new will make you stand out. Key questions I as a reader wanted answers to are: Why do you want to go to an exclusively female college? What are the goals you keep referring to (major, career, activities, etc.), and how is Barnard going to help you get there?

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt - 2 essays: my father / my chin [3]

Both these essays are both interesting and grammatically sound. But my belief is that through your essays, college admissions officers want to know a. Why you will be a good edition to the school (What can you do for them?) and b. Why you want to go to their school (What can they do for you?). Thus, I like the first essay better, just because you discuss your passions and goals for the future more than you do in the second one. Plus, I think "chinky" is, to many, an offensive term. If you really want to keep the second one, I'd suggest writing about how you've taken the lesson to heart in pursuing unconventional activities or doing things that others look down on you for, or how you work to teach others self-confidence, or something. You can *say* you've learned the lesson, but you have to *show* that you really believe it too.

For the first one, your description of your father's habits isn't *quite* on the topic of describing the world you've grown up in. Describe the *dynamics* and *culture* of your family; did your father's health put a strain on your parents' relationship, or on his relationship with you? What is the philosophy on communicating; are children allowed to tell parents what to do? Was anyone else worried about him? Are these habits common among other family members? Is it a norm for people in your family to resist medical care, or to not have health insurance? There are also no references to when these events took place, how long it took to change your father, when you become interested in medicine.

As for the "dreams and aspirations" part, expand your statement to caring for others, even and especially difficult people, not just your family. I don't really know what to say about the end of your essay; it's a little off-putting to read about your methods for fixing your father's health. You show your determination and fierce compassion for your father, but as a nurse, you won't be able to force people to live healthily, especially if it means making them unhappy.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP - previous commendable experiences, activities [3]

I think you are spending too much time on the commendable experiences part, when the focus should be what you will do in and after college. Moreover, there should be some kind of link between the past and future. Are you going to do research in college? Sports? What specifically? If this is a supplement essay, you need to find out what clubs, opportunities, etc. are at the college and name them in your essay.

Undergraduate / CommonApp: The softening harmony of laughter gives me a state of comfort [3]

Your essay is very eloquent. But reading how close you are to your family makes me wonder how you would fare away from them in a college setting. Moreover, if you're going to write about your family, you need to get a little more specific. You bond, and laugh, and have interesting conversations. But what is your family like? What relatives are you referring to? What have you learned from them, and how have they shaped your personality, dreams, etc.?

Remember that the end-goal of application essays is to tell colleges why you will be a good addition to their schools; whatever you write about, you have to show this...

Scholarship / Europe is the most popular place among the students! [15]

Things you had to include:
- Why you are applying for this EMA2 Programme - Why do you want to go to Europe? Saying it's the number one study abroad place is not enough.

Your particular skills and abilities - What computer skills do you have?
- Your academic interests - You mentioned English and you also mentioned urban development. Which one are you going there to learn about?
- Your work experience (if relevant) - Don't just list your jobs. How will they help you in the program?
- Your commitment to return to your home institution/country - DONE
- How this period abroad will benefit to you and your direct social-economical environments - DONE
- Preferred start date and duration of mobility you are interest - DONE

Undergraduate / 'Working with numbers and managing' - what qualities attract/your interests in UMichigan [2]

Remember, the prompt says, "Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan." The only reason you give is that CLSA has a variety of subjects to learn, and that's not a very unique reason at all.

Also, you need to elaborate more on what your interests are. What experiences have you had that support that "working with numbers and managing are two things that I enjoy?" You write, "business is the best fit for me due to what I love doing," but what do you love doing?

Scholarship / SPEAK YOUR LIFE- a rich kid brought up by poor parents [3]

Your response was well-articulated, but I think that talking about your affluence is not a very good subject. Moreover, you only connect the background with the impact in the last sentence. Finally, the connection that you illustrate is a little shaky. I can see how your upbringing led you to "count your blessings," but how did it help you "blend your religious and family values," "become an independent citizen, care about others," or "understand the needs of others?"

I think talking about your Pakistani culture would be a better route. While writing, make sure to emphasize the influence part. What do you want colleges to know about your values, the major and career you want to pursue, what you like to do, what you want to be remembered for, etc.?

Undergraduate / Why would I want to transfer from a two year Community College to a four year University? [3]

Right now, your essay is a tad generic. It's kind of obvious that a larger university will have more challenging courses, a larger and more diverse community, more clubs, and can afford better facilities. The part you wrote about the health clubs you are interested in was good. Do more of that. What do you want to study and do as a career, and how will a four-year university help you do those things? And try to be more specific. I know it's asking about two-year and four-year colleges, but mention specific things about your community college and the University of Connecticut.

Undergraduate / Describe a topic central to your identity: My Mother and Poland. [2]

This was a good snapshot of your heritage, but you were right when you said that it isn't enough about you. Identity goes deeper than just your nationality or who your parents are. How have those things shaped what you value, what you want to do as a career, extracurriculars, etc.? You said a lot, but you can say a lot more with the same topic.

Essays / How to approach essays such as, "Why do you want to attend this university?" [6]

Sounds like something I've read before, but obviously yours would be unique to you, and it seems like it would answer the prompt just fine. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / THE DA VINCI - Johns Hopkins Supplement! [4]

Ohhh... Haha, I did need that clarification, but now I get it. The shift in perspective confused me, and I missed that date... Okay, I have no other complaints! Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "Make your passion your work, and work will become a game" That test night..(UIUC essay 1) [2]

This is an interesting response, but focus your essay more on the prompt. You focus most of the response on the "related experience" and only explain your interest in the major in the final two paragraphs. Also, you write that you want to "impact the citizens of this world positively." It's OK to be unsure about exactly what you want to do with your computer science major, but that sentence is too vague. You can speculate on areas to focus on, or you can be honest and then explain how Computer Science will bring innovation and the thrill of a challenge to any field.

Undergraduate / THE DA VINCI - Johns Hopkins Supplement! [4]

You have an interesting array of experiences, and you definitely conveyed the "spirit of exploration and discovery" of Hopkins in your response. However, you didn't really respond to the prompt. Admissions officers will know that you're applying as a BME major. But what are your unique interests, and how will you build upon them at JHU? It might take a little research and soul-searching, but you need something more focused than a desire to "make a difference" or "make an impact on people's lives."

Undergraduate / NO TWO PEOPLE ARE THE SAME; FAMU Essay Prompt. [5]

First, your word limit is small, so take out the first three sentences; you don't have room for unnecessary introductions. Secondly, you can basically narrow your essay to saying, "I am diligent. I am also empathetic. I will be able to contribute to Florida A&M." You should be saying, "I am diligent. Here's how you know I'm diligent... Here is how my diligence will contribute to a specific part of Florida A&M." You do a good job naming the traits and defining them. But you don't write about what extracurriculars, classes, career aspirations, examples, etc. show us that you have the traits. You also don't explain how you will contribute to the university. Do some research on the college and be able to name specific clubs or courses where you will use your traits to shine.

Undergraduate / my teachers never really cared about me; UCF College App [4]

This is a good starting response, but you need to narrow your focus to one obstacle or "bump in the road." I would focus on your academic obstacle and take away the bits about your parents splitting up, since those two situations seem to be unrelated. Moreover, you were able to fix the academic situation while you couldn't have fixed the situation with your parents.