Undergraduate / Hailing from the most southern tip of Texas ; Why Yale? [8]

I like what you started with... Keep going! What major are you interested in and why? What extra-curricular activities? To keep it unique, just talk about how growing up in Texas made you who you are and why your passions and values match up to Yale.

Undergraduate / Macarons and baking; Topic of your choice/Common Application [2]

The part about smelling salt in the marshes is a bit random; I'd take it out.

Overall, you have a very eloquent style of writing, and I like the story. If you included more about your background with baking and why it's so important to you, and what unique things baking teaches you besides hard work and dedication, this will make a very solid essay!

Undergraduate / Nigeria needs to go with the flow of the tide:Illinois Urbana Champaign essay [4]

It's a pretty well-written essay, but how would you use computer science to help your country? In what ways would work become more efficient and easier?

Undergraduate / The day you were born was the best day of my life: Common App [7]

It does clear the air, thanks! It's a unique format, but you don't want readers to be confused about why you would have imagined yourself dying while your future son was still a baby/young child.

Your essay says a lot about your values but nothing about who you are why you are the way you are. What experiences made you feel so strongly about anger or determination?

Undergraduate / The day you were born was the best day of my life: Common App [7]

Is this a letter you imagine that your father would have written to you, or is it a letter that you imagine writing to your future son? It's creative and well-written, but this letter sounds like some kind of suicide note and it sounds a little personal to be used as an admissions essay. You want this essay to talk about YOU so the focus has to be you now, not speculating on your future family and future memories.

Undergraduate / My family and I moved in the middle of my junior year:Education Interruption [2]


It's important that you talk about how you fought to get back to better grades and relationships and how you learned to adapt; you don't want to sound like you are making excuses for doing poorly in school, especially since going to college is going to be another big transition.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay: Past circumstances and choice of major; My enthusiasm about mathematics [2]

I actually don't see any problems with this! It's engaging without being too cliched, and I could really get a sense of who you are from those paragraphs. If you want to make it sound less like a summary, I would describe one of the math battles you had with your father (description, dialogue, etc.) and then go into your essay.

One thing:


Good luck!

Undergraduate / New York City / Playground and classroom / NYU campuses - supplement questions [2]

I think if you just check the "No Additional Campuses" boxes on the supplements, you don't have to write anything for them.

Undergraduate / "Home Is Where the Grillpocalypse Is" ; why Uchicago essay [2]


I have no idea what a grillpocalypse is. How did that phrase immediately make you want to attend UChicago?


Are you implying that UChicago is not sophisticated? What are simple tastes and activities? What does your simple life look like?


Why do you strive for those things?


If you lead a simple life, why does such academic rigor interest you?



Lots of colleges have Computer Science programs. What about UChicago's program is unique? Why do you want to work at those labs or with that professor?


Why do the housing options appeal to you so much?


Where do you live? What about UChicago will make it more welcoming than another university?

Overall, I like your writing style but the essay sounds a little vague right now.

Undergraduate / Life is full of ups and downs; issues of personal, local, international concern [4]

Ways you could improve this:

1. Take out the whole beginning until the part below. It is vague and doesn't do anything for your essay.

2.


Open your essay with a description of one of these roadside vendors. You say "it has been seen on a day to day basis" and "almost all of us have seen" but as an American, I have no idea how these people live, what their "miserable situations" are, or how they are "humiliated and looked down upon". You need to tell me a story about them that makes me understand.

3.


3.


I understand that in real life, you are probably disheartened and frustrated by the terrible conditions in your country, but this sounds very distant. A lot of people who write these kinds of essays write about poverty. Describe the children slum; make your essay more unique. What grade was your project for? What festival were they missing?

4.


You need to end the essay with why this issue means so much to you and how you hope to resolve it through college.

Undergraduate / I envision myself to be a one of the cornellians ; cocornell engineering essay [9]

I'm impressed! This looks a lot more cohesive, I can feel your passion for computer science a lot more, and you made a clearer connection between your love of the subject and why you would go to Yale.

Undergraduate / The bitter notes were made honeyed again; Yale Common Ap [6]

I like it; it's very poetic. The only thing is that you sometimes get so focused on the description of the piano that the words end up taking away from the image you're trying to create. You have to remember that you're elaborating on an EXTRACURRICULAR activity, so you need to emphasize that you play the piano regularly now. Also, you have to explain why this activity means so much to you. Does it help you remember your mother (My impression from the essay was that she passed away)? Was it a way of dealing with your grief or stress?

A few things:









Good job, and good luck!

Undergraduate / Why your first choice major?/ Title of your life story ? : Emerson College [2]

I have always been attracted to words, and drawn to reading and writing stories. When I am using words I am happiest (In what way? Talking? Writing? Can you give an example?) , and that is why I would like to pursue English in college. In addition, I would love to be able to use my knowledge of English and literature in a C ommunications- driven job. I have always been able to naturally communicate with others and find myself increasingly interested in jobs such as advertising, journalism, and publishing. (What made you interested in them?) I envision myself immersed in my job and doing what I love to do: write. I know that a major in English and C ommunications will prepare me for all future jobs (Like what?) that I am interested in. Emerson has a great English department with plenty of opportunities to write and a fantastic Communications department (How do you know? What makes those departments great?) . I know that Emerson offers the programs that I am most interested in and want to succeed.

It's good, but there's a lot of repetition. The only things I know about you are that you like to write and read and that you want to major in English and Communications. Tell me more, what events made you love writing or what you hope to accomplish with a college education...

I like the second one, but what kind of changes have you gone through to warrant that title?

Undergraduate / Marist College short answer; be able to learn at the Poughkeepsie campus [4]

It sounds very... vague... A lot of colleges have majors, minors, and other activities, small class sizes, accessible teachers, tutoring, and study abroad programs. Even though this is an essay about Marist, it's first and foremost an essay about you. Get specific. Your sentence about the math lab was good. You said "Every major I could possibly be interested in is offered at Marist College." What are they? What do you want to learn, how do you want to learn, and how is Marist going to help you reach your fullest academic potential?

Grammatically, it looks fine to me. You write very well, and if you make your essay a little less vague, your response will stand out that much more compared to the other hundreds/thousands written in the same way.

Hope that helped!

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

For your first essay, I think you need to talk less about the prestige (colleges generally don't like to hear that you chose a college just because it was popular) or the beautiful campus and more about some extra-curricular activity or course. Lots of colleges have small class sizes; something more unique would work better.

Undergraduate / I envision myself to be a one of the cornellians ; cocornell engineering essay [9]

Overall, it's not too bad... Boringness isn't the problem, it's mostly making your ideas flow. Especially in the last two paragraphs, I started to lose the passion for computer science (?) and the drive you had for helping people. Those paragraphs sounded kind of generic. Remember, you aren't going to Yale so they can fund your project; think about what Yale stands for, and what you want to learn from them.

Undergraduate / Overcoming Shyness - Significant Challenge [4]

I like the topic of your essay, and you're a very eloquent writer, but you kind of glossed over the "challenging-ness" of your challenge through the second paragraph. For example, you could take out the worrying the night before and skip to the first time you smiled at the stranger as you walked into school. You could spend more time describing your nervousness and frustration with always being shy. Emphasize that even though you face the same shyness every time, THAT was the time when your determination was greater than your fear.

Also, the lessons you learned from your experience are true but also cliched. Talk about why it was so important to you to overcome your shyness and why it's so important to keep confronting your fears.

Some small grammar things, depending on what you want to keep:






Good luck!

Undergraduate / True belief, The salvation of a cynic - Common app;topic of your choice [14]

Your beliefs aren't necessarily the problem, but your essays do sound a little close-minded.

As a Christian strong in my faith, I found the emphasis on science being fact and the implication that religion cannot be fact a little offensive.

Also, faith is believing in what is not grounded in fact, so your faith in "Truth" sounds a bit contradictory.

Other than that, I don't see any glaring grammatical errors, and you have a very descriptive style of writing.

Undergraduate / The Power of Perseverance - PS; My mom has always told me that quitting is not an option [5]

I know you're using the five-paragraph approach, but it comes off as a little stiff. You have good experiences and write very well, but if you included some dialogue or description and/or stuck to one specific example of your perseverance, it could be a lot more powerful. Like geebs5 said, it's better to show that you were determined and let readers figure that out on their own instead of just saying it.

Undergraduate / Page 87 of Autobiography (VCU); the white ceiling, covered in cracks vs inspiration [3]

I agree with admissions... You tried extremely hard to be descriptive but I had no idea why this moment was significant enough to be a part of your autobiography...

Undergraduate / "The proof of Gold is Fire" - Fire on Ice [3]


I think the entire first paragraph is too much intro. I would just put the quote at the beginning and then dive into the second paragraph. If you really want to make the connection to Seattle University, it would look great at the end, or in that paragraph.


This is one of the best essays I've read so far. It's unique and very well-written! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Exodus to epiphany - Common App Essay! [17]

1. I love this so far! I think it's very focused and a powerful story, although some background as to why you were in Egypt (?) and an overview of why this conflict was happening would be nice.

2. What I got from this essay is that you are very observant and compassionate, as well as possessing a strong sense of what is right and wrong. I don't know what your specific prompt was (Just Topic of Your Choice?), but you did a good job of presenting your career plans to your compassion for others.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay for Occupational Therapy Transfer [2]

I think a better angle to take would be "Why I want to be an occupational therapist", not "Why I'm qualified to be a physical therapist".

Your experiences are really good and no doubt would say a lot about you, but it would be a lot more powerful if you illustrated your patience and optimism, or the compassion and communication you have with your kids, instead of just saying that you have it.

There are a lot of professions like nursing or teaching that require similar personality traits, so make sure your passion for that field shines through.

Good luck, and very good writing!

Undergraduate / "Pursuit without passion is trivial" - PTCAS personal statement application [2]

1. I think you should say "physical therapy/therapist" instead of "PT" (Abbreviating looks very informal)

2. What about the first time you heard that statement made it stick with you throughout all this time?

Overall, you have a powerful story to tell and you did a good job. Just make sure that you don't sacrifice the "why I love physical therapy" part in the beginning for a lot of details about "what I've done" in the end.

Undergraduate / I traveled to Poland; Peace Corps: Cross Cultural Essay [3]


If you need to eliminate words, you can take this whole paragraph out. It doesn't really do anything for your essay.

The prompt says to pick one experience. To get more specific, choose one place to talk about. Use some dialogue or an anecdote to illustrate what you're saying, instead of just saying it. Like, for Poland, describe how you acted out something and how the people in your host family reacted. It would put a creative spin on your essay.

Overall, you write very eloquently. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Williams window essay; 'The girl walks slowly into the tack room' [3]

Very powerful; I love it! The only thing I would say is that the prompt wants you to reflect on a moment and you end up commenting on the place / the people in your riding school and the horses (?). If that was the moment when you realized that there are things more powerful than words, such as love and experiences, then you need to state that more explicitly in the last paragraph.