Posts by septem1821

septem1821

Feb 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. Discuss.

here, we need to write about two topics here
1)how the role of women has changed in the last 20 years--give few examples ( for the first sentence in the question) . I believe that the first paragraph should be related to this context

2)you gave great explanation for your disagreement ( for second sentence in the question).

Thanks

septem1821

Feb 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Essay: Chorleywood Village development [3]

The given diagram depicts the various infrastructural developments and the improvement of area around Chorleywood Park and Golf Course during 1868- 1994 in chorleywood Village.

Firstly,in 1868-1883, a place of a nearly pear shaped white portion was under development which is towards the West end of Cherlywood Park and Golf Course. In the following 1883-1922 period, Chorleywood Station was constructed which was in horizontal lines area at the west end of Park and it extended towards south region. In a similar way, the place around Chorleywood Station which is in black shade was improved during 1922-1970. On the other hand, massive developments occurred in the north and east side of Park between 1970 and 1994 which appears in vertical lines.

Secondly, the various modes of transportation made the Chorleywood Park into a square shape. The Main Roads became the north and west boundaries while Motorway which was established in 1970 ,goes along the eastern side. Finally, Rail track was constructed in 1909 and it extends throughout the southern boundary of Chorleywood Park.

In conclusion, I believe that Chorleywood Park and Golf Course are reachable by all modes of transportations and all sides of the park were being improved with facilities except the North-West region.

Please correct my essay.
Thanks very much.

224110_1_o.jpg

septem1821

Sep 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 2: OPINIONS ABOUT GOVERNMENT FUNDING OF ARTISTS. [3]

1) 'while others think they have other priorities such as health, education and security'--------------- in introduction
2)On the other side of the debate, there are those who believe government has other important issues such as health, education, or security. Investing money on cultural issues before advancing on those essential priorities is just wasting the materials. Moreover, they also argue that the art is considered as a profession and artists like others who have jobs should find their own client and sell their products to those who are interested.--------------the second para are not related to the given task.

They asked whether creative artists should be supported by governments or alternative sources but you wrote '' what will happen if government spend money on artists''.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / Essay about the influence of Technology on human thinking - feedback [4]

Introduction:We are in the "tech era" where one is relied on techonology for a solution probably to a minuscule problem.Hosting on technology for everything is lucidly deteriorating human intellect.

a) tech era is not the correct word to use. i think there is no such word.
b)probably is not right choice here.
c) even hosting
d) in introduction, you wrote that technology has negative impacts on humans. 'Therefore, the use of technology should be contained such that its implications are not affecting our thinking'.--this is your conclusion. here you are against to your opinion.

introduction contains three sentences:
1) the general idea of the given task in the society
2)rewrite the given task in a different way
3) your opinion

Body:
1st para--calculators, its uses and drawbacks
2nd para--mobiles uses and drawbacks
3rd para--tables uses and drawbacks

I guess , you should have written the body content in this way
a) traditional teaching is being replaced by web-based institutions. you talk about the side effects of computer education on learning process on children.
b)usage of technologies by professionals--tell its disadvantages on their problem solving abilities
c)how the technology affects the daily lives. include your examples such as mobiles and ipad
elaborate these things with examples.

Conclusion:a) preceding means the coming, so you should not use that word here.
b) you contradicted your conclusion with the introduction.

there are no words such as decremental or luringly. i agree with marmaria. use words precisely and cautiously . they may give a different meaning if we write them without knowing the correct usage. .

sorry , if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Education is the main determinant of a country's future development [3]

Introduction: a)rich nations have one of the highest education rates ---rich nations have the highest rates.

Body: a)parents could not afford to send their children to school due to lack of their financial resources in developing countries. Without government help, -------you compared rich and poor nations facilities--which is not related to the task.

b)Developed society understands the significance of educating its folks-------we should not mention such general statements in ielts essay.
c)Learning whether at an institution or workplace helps the people to grow mentally as well as economically---------here, you should have written another word for economically. that word does not suit here.

d)On the contrary, uneducated residents of developing countries keep using the old methods; they hardly able to produce for self consumption. Sadly, these folks do not know about the recent advancements in the industry--------there is no need to write opposite view in this essay because they did not ask.

in this task, they did not ask education role in developed or underdeveloped nations.

Why is education helpful for the development:
a)people will respond sensibly to the ongoing social affairs in the society and will take steps to eradicate or prevent such problems such as overpopulation, pollution or religious discriminations

b) educated people can implement their professional strategies in the development of various fields of their nation , namely, in transportation, infrastructure or scientific research as well.

c) educated people can go in accordance with the modern technological developments of developed nations' and try to apply them for the better standard of life in their country.

you can elaborate them with examples.

Conclusion: their which help their nation ultimately to grow unprecedentedly------and for their nation as well

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 10, 2013

Writing Feedback / ielts do you agreewith the private companies support science rather than government [3]

Introduction is very important in ielts essay. (In the recent days, a more popular phenomenon was coming up with instead the private companies always pay more investment for the science rather than the government who should do this.To explore why this phenomenon would occurred, we need to considerate both rewarding issue and for what kind of role did the government or companies play.)

a)To explore why this phenomenon would occurred, we need to considerate both rewarding issue and for what kind of role did the government or companies play.-------you should write such points in body but not in introduction. They asked whether do you agree or not. so you should commit to one view in introduction. they asked whether do you agree or disagree that pros outweigh cons. you did not mention your opinion rather you talked about the causes for it and the solutions for it-------- for which side? agree or disagree.

Body: 1st para---you talked about private company profits
2nd para-- govt can focus on other issues ,
3rd para--need professionals and other resources.

but here they asked that privatization has more advantages than disadvantages. YES OR NO?
you put ideas but nor correlated to the question.

if you are agree, why do you agree that private companies has more pros than cons?
a) you wrote in 1st para that private companies will have more benefits, the points you mentioned will go against to your agree' view .you should write points related to society development

b) 2nd para points are related to the task
c) 3rd para- you wrote companies. companies include both private and public. so you should be particular about that company word. the examiner may get confused if you just mention company.

Lastly, conclusion. you should add conclusion at the end in a separate para.

sorry, if it doesn't help you

septem1821

Sep 10, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses ? [4]

introduction: Nowadays, a lot of countries have introduced the law to protect animals from being use in entertainment activities. However, some people believed that the animals play an important role in giving children opportunity to get close to them and learn about the things they able to do. Personally, I am convinced that there is no reason why animals should be utilized in recreational activities thanks to the following explanations.

a)However, some people believed that the animals play an important role in giving children opportunity to get close to them and learn about the things they able to do. ------------we should not go beyond the given task in the introduction. they did not give whether other people are in favor or not. so , no need to mention this sentence in introduction.

Body: your points

conclusion: your view

Sorry, if it doesn't help you

septem1821

Sep 10, 2013

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Issue on Retirement Age! Agree or Disagree? [5]

Introduction:There is a growing recognition that thanks to the improvement of the life quality, the human expectancy has went up substantially; therefore, some people believed that the government should increase the retirement age. This doing will bring many benefits to the social security; however, it also has many drawbacks on the communities. I'm convinced that the government should not raise the retirement age because of the following reasons.

a)some people believed-------we should write believe not believed because they are still believing. it should be in simple present.
b)This doing will bring many benefits to the social security; however, it also has many drawbacks on the communities. ------here, they asked whether do you agree or not. so your view should be straight in the introduction. you should not write that it has both pros and cons. you should stick to pros or cons.

introduction--1)general situation of the given topic in the society
2)rewrite the given statement in other way
3) agree or not-- if it is agree or disagree essay.

Body: your points
and

your conclusion.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 9, 2013

Writing Feedback / Teachers should not talk about their personal viewpoints like the social and political ones. [5]

Intro:
This is an issue that has been discussed a lot and I think it is important because it is related with teaching and education which play important roles in students' lives.--- ----

a)we should not write such sentences in introduction such as IT IS IMPORTANT. that too you used important for two times.
b)Give a general idea of the given issue---(it is one of the greatest concerns in this modern educational institutions) .then repeat the topic with different synonyms and tell your vie on that task. so introduction contains three sentences

general statement, rewrite the task and your opinion.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 9, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Today the high sale of popular consumer goods reflex the power of advertising [4]

Intro:To further understand this, one needs to examine the true power of advertising and how it effects the general need-----we should not include topics not related to the task,they asked whether do you agree or not with the given statement. so confined only to that. you can include such points in conclusion but not in introduction.

septem1821

Sep 9, 2013

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 School Spending - Feedback [9]

Intro:These are pie charts that show the proportions of yearly expenditure on different things in a UK school in 3 separate years: 1981, 1991 and 2001. ---------
a) these are pie charts----the given three pie charts
b) as they mentioned three years--so we can use, the change in total expenditures over three decades during 1981-2001.
c) on various divisions of school in UK
So, here is my introduction: The given three pie charts depict the change in total expenditures on the mentioned school elements during 1981-2001 in UK.

Body: we have to choose two ways to express the content:
here, according to years a) 1981--1st para
b) 1991--2nd para
c) 2001--3rd para
(OR)
according to the mentioned school elements--write in accordance with their proportions and express their variations--high to low ( teachers' salaries-insurance)

Conclusion--is not mandatory but it is good to write.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 6, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; WRITING TASK 1 - TELEPHONE CALLS BY CATEGORY [6]

1)Mobile phones were considered as new trend of modern people which brought to them many advantages. They were believed to be essential facilities of people on the world.

These changes also illustrate that the habit of using local phones does not remain and people have tendency to use alternative kind of phones, which are moderner and more convenient. As a result, the use of mobiles phones, national phones and international phones rose -------we should not write our beliefs or views in task1. we should only provide the given information.

a)Introduction
b)body--1st para-local phones
2nd para-national/international
3rd para-mobile
conclusion

septem1821

Sep 6, 2013

Writing Feedback / The reasons of an increase in social problems involving teenagers [6]

1)A vast majority of folks blame their working parents for this unprecedented rise in youth illegal acts as the father and mother does not spare enough time to keep an eye on their children.----you used parents/ father/mother--so use it once.

2)In my opinion, the whole family unit is responsible for this rising community matter.--your view should be related to the given task in the introduction. we should not include new one.

3)first why parents are not able to focus attention / both are employed
a) to meet the demands of modern life
b) give a better standard of life to their children--schools/modern facilities
c)give richness to their social status
d) thinking that it is school responsibility
e)allowing children towards modern equipments --mobiles or Internet or TV.--due to their busy schedules
--which lead into poor care of parents on children's behavior/social contacts/ attitude towards social elements.

4) your social factors which you included in the first para

then conclusion.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 5, 2013

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A/D The advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits [3]

1)Advertising is becoming part of our modern society. They penetrate into people's life, -----here, 'they' refers to modern society.

2)to the debate whether advertising has positive influences on people's life. Some people say that advertising must be blamed for the unhealthy eating habits, while others believe that there are still some other factors directing people's judgments.-----in the task, they asked whether do you agree with the given statement or not. so you should give only your opinion not others' beliefs in the introduction.

3)advertising--news and magazines are same.-----these are the communication channels to give the information in the form of advertisement to people.

4)according to you ideas i will put it like this
first para--depends on their choices and self control--no role of advertisments in people if they are motivated
second para--giving an awareness about the healthy lifestyle--benefits of advertisements.
third para--giving an opportunity to expose to a wide range of foods--i included it.

Sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 5, 2013

Writing Feedback / People are not paying attention to environmental protection [3]

1) pollution is one of the causes of environmental instability and the task is about the environmental protection. so, I think you should not have used pollution in the introduction part.

2)Causes:
a)media is everywhere and it is even reachable to rural areas but the main problem is due to their illiteracy -cannot understand the consequences of environmental problems

b)busy in their responsibilities and concerns
c) thinking that it doesn't effect individuals because awareness programme focus mainly on the negative impacts on nations or continents or the globe like sea level variations or ice capped mountains melting.

d) if they try to take preventive measures to protect environment then people have to compromise their comforts and facilities because majority of them are related to lifestyles such as reducing the usage of private vehicles or limited usage of instant bagged foods which are not being acceptable by public.

3) invironment is wrong..environment
4)our life is wrong--our lives

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 4, 2013

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical: 'fields of study'; everybody has the right to decide for himself [6]

Introduction: Education can be contemplated as the process of learning new information and skills theoretically or practically. There is a belief that academic institutions have the right to discontinue the curricular programme for incapable students. Here are some of my views.

Body:
Institutions should check for the real cause of their less performance--teaching methods or personality problems
teaching methods-a) while teaching, consider the level of all students but not only brilliant
b) engage dull students in discussions with their co-students who are good at problem solving tasks -can get a chance to broaden their knowledge
c) create a sense of competitive spirit in such students by motivational programs
personality problems- a) eliminate their fear and inferiority complex by continuous exposure to seminars or debates, even if they do not perform well
b) if they are not developing interest, try to stimulate them by giving rewards
c) give awareness about the consequences of illiterate people in this modern world.
d) if they are not capable to memorize the things, try to implement web-based teaching facilities to make them more comfortable

Conclusion: To summarize, I can say that school management have the responsibility in taking care of all the students regardless of their capabilities because they are considered as the foundation for a good society. Teachers can easily shape student' thinking process and make them more productive because students treat them as their role models.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. [4]

Hi
Causes:
1) the role of media in advertising the products
2)parents busy hectic schedules
3) friends' influence
4)modern life style
) shopping malls with other facilities such as play stations and theatres

my opinions on encouraging them to spend on other activities like playing sports, learning music skills or dancing
a) buy unnecessary products--ruin the financial status
b) may develop inferiority complex by looking affluent peoples' life styles
c) may not get any productive knowledge

sorry, if it doesn't help you.

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS ;Clothes are a necessary part of people's lives [5]

Hi
as far as my knowledge, you made a statement that-- 'For most people, clothing gives us protection from the weather. It gives the feeling of warmth and brings comfort to the body. While for me, clothing defines my fashion sense and creativity'. But in the task they asked about your views.You need to give your beliefs but you are contradicting yourself by bringing other peoples' views.

1) protection
2) signify your traditions and its importance
3) shows your personality and attitude
4) clothing enhances the beauty and confidence which improves our performance

I am a learner.
sorry,if it doesn't help you.
good luck.

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should we learn about the country & the cultures and lifestyles to learn a language? [7]

thanks so much. i will rewrite it . could you correct any grammatical errors in this essay.

Thanks

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should we learn about the country & the cultures and lifestyles to learn a language? [7]

Q: In order to learn a language well, we should also learn about the country as well as the cultures and lifestyles of the people who speak this language. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Language plays an important role as it is the only way of communicating channel among people. There is a belief that people have to learn about the nation's values and the characteristics of native speakers when learning a foreign language. I completely agree with them and here are some of the supporting views.

The rich history has been transferring from generations to generations in the form of books and it is being preserved by people in the form of their traditional script. So, the past events and the values of a nation are being exemplified through its language. Indians do not work on the 2nd of October during every year in order to show the respect towards Their Father of Nation, Mahatma Gandhi Ji. If learners make fun of that day without knowing its significance, it may lead into patriotic feeling between nations. Likewise, there are many religious festivals in India which should be experienced by foreigners before learning the local languages because it will eliminate the chances of misinterpretation and misunderstandings between them and locals.

Furthermore, learners can get a chance to use language accurately and appropriately if they know the lifestyles of locals. Tourists cannot wish Indian ladies by shaking hands because it is not accepted in their customs.Likewise, foreigners' major foods contain pork and beef but these animals have religious values in Indian custom. Moreover, native speakers' accent varies because of having different dialects and nuances for them which will be understand be having a deep insight into their way of lifestyles. Lastly, non-native speakers language skills also depends on the climatic conditions of the local area because it has some effect on tongue twist.

To summarize, I can say that country history and the lifestyles are crucial factors in learning a language because they direct the learner in a precise way so that they can learn it in an organised way.

please correct it.
Thanks.

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people think parents should read or tell stories [8]

sorry. I am new to this forum.I will definitely follow the rules.

Thanks

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people think parents should read or tell stories [8]

Q: In order to learn a language well, we should also learn about the country as well as the cultures and lifestyles of the people who speak this language. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Language plays an important role as it is the only way of communicating channel among people. There is a belief that people have to learn about the nation's values and the characteristics of native speakers when learning a foreign language. I completely agree with them and here are some of the supporting views.

The rich history has been transferring from generations to generations in the form of books and it is being preserved by people in the form of their traditional script. So, the past events and the values of a nation are being exemplified through its language. Indians do not work on 2nd of October during every year in order to show the respect towards Their Father of Nation, Mahatma Gandhi Ji. If learners make fun of that day without knowing its significance, it may lead into patriotic feeling between nations. Likewise, there are many religious festivals in India which should be experienced by foreigners before learning the local languages because it will eliminate the chances of misinterpretation and misunderstandings between them and locals.

Furthermore, learners can get a chance to use language accurately and appropriately if they know the lifestyles of locals. Tourists cannot wish Indian ladies by shaking hands because it is not accepted in their customs.Likewise, foreigners' major foods contain pork and beef but these animals have religious values in Indian custom. Moreover, native speakers' accent varies because of having different dialects and nuances for them which will be understand be having a deep insight into their way of lifestyles. Lastly, non-native speakers language skills also depends on the climatic conditions of the local area because it has some effect on tongue twist.

To summarize, I can say that country history and the lifestyles are crucial factors in learning a language because they direct the learner in a precise way so that they can learn it in an organised way.

please correct it.
Thanks.

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Essays / "Gender Discrimination is no longer a major issue" [3]

night duty jobs like call centre jobs or security guard jobs which are not suitable for females due to their various concerns such as taking care of children and it even question about their safely. Likewise, females do receptionist jobs efficiently due to their kind and polite mannerisms which is the crucial factor in such jobs. In physically demanded jobs like mechanical works or in agricultural fields, it is better not to give opportunities for females due to their feminine characteristics.

I hope this helps. I am not good at English because I am a learner. Sorry, if it is not in accordance with your question.

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Inner Four Planets of the Solar System [3]

Could you post the graph?

Thanks

septem1821

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people think parents should read or tell stories [8]

thank you so much. you are very helpful.

septem1821

Sep 2, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people think parents should read or tell stories [8]

hi
Thanks for the immediate reply. yes, iam preparing for the ielts and i will try to implement complex vocabulary.. I have some doubts. It would be great if you clarify them.

1) I am having confusion in using articles, could you give a brief idea about it, particularly in the usage of 'the'.

2) which is right? childrens' or children's

3) when should we use comma.
a) it is famous across the world, especially among young. Should i use comma before especially?
b) It is crucial for them, importantly, for children. should i use two comma here?
c) it has many features, namely, video, photos and recording. should i use two commas here?

4)a)if they ask for do you agree or disagree in ielts exam, do we need to write the cons of that subject or so do we need to focus only on pros?

6)which is correct? lifestyle or life-style. can we use pleural form for lifestlye?

Thanks in advance.
please help me.

septem1821

Sep 2, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people think parents should read or tell stories [8]

Q: Some people think parents should read or tell stories to children, while others think parents need not do that, as children can read books, watch TV or movies by themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The attitude of children towards society is majorly based on the knowledge acquired from books or through electronic media such as TV and movies. Some believe that parents have the responsibility of reading stories for their children while others oppose it with that children have the capability in reading or understanding things on media, so parents have any role in such matters. Here are some of the pros and cons to these beliefs.

Parents are considered as the first teachers to their kids and they can easily influence and shape children's thought process due to their intimate bonding with them . Importantly, they can convey the right information from the vast knowledge of books and media in a precise way. In addition, parents can get a chance to broaden their children's views by discussing various elements while telling stories. Furthermore, they can teach about communication skills such as usage of vocabulary, reading methods and even listening abilities. On the contrary, children may develop dependent attitude if parents help in such activities and they will acquire parents' attitude and behavior because of not getting an opportunity to think in a different direction.

Children will accomplish their unique individuality by making their self decisions and judgements if they are allowed to read and watch on their own. Moreover, it will help them to improve their concentration and dedication which in turn bring major changes in their academic progress. In addition, the creativity and imaginations will be moulded according to the their own experiences and perceptions. On the other hand, they will develop their own opinions without knowing about the positive and negative elements which will impact their personality development.

To summarize, I can say that both approaches have their own advantages and disadvantages but parents have the major impact on the development of positive attitude in children as they guide them in each element. However, parents should act in such a way that the learning abilities and independent characters of children should not be compromised.

Thanks