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Posts by thenewdude
Name: Shlok Gilda
Joined: Dec 20, 2013
Last Post: Feb 2, 2014
Threads: 13
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thenewdude   
Feb 2, 2014
Undergraduate / "The Road Not Taken"; Why Dickinson? [2]

Hey guys! I would appreciate any feedback on the following essay, and will critique your essays in return.

In addition to curriculum, grades and activities, Dickinson's Admissions Committee looks for purpose, potential and self-reflection. Explain why you have chosen to apply to Dickinson and how your interests, talents and goals fit with Dickinson's distinctive character. (No word limit)

In 1915, drawing inspiration from the indecisiveness of his friend Edward Thomas during their long walks, Robert Frost penned the beautiful poem, "The Road Not Taken". In December 2013, I arrived at a crossroads of my own - whether to spend substantial time and money applying to universities in the US, or focus solely on preparing for the IIT-JEE examination. After careful consideration, I convinced myself and my parents that the Indian post-secondary education system, with its sheer focus on grades and lack of flexibility with regards to choosing one's major, could not do justice to my varied interests; thus began my search for the perfect American college.

I could of course give a host of reasons why Dickinson is a great match for me - I could say that with 2300 students it is big enough to have a healthy diversity of ideas but small enough to allow intimate relationships; I could say that the brilliant long-term study abroad programs would not only allow me to experience life abroad, but to really breathe in different cultures and lifestyles; I could say that access to a plethora of active clubs would let me explore various interests and develop into a well-rounded citizen with informed opinions - but that is not why I chose Dickinson. What cinched the deal for me were its commitment to environmental integration and its devotion to community empowerment. After spending countless hours on the internet - browsing through hundreds of photos and student accounts on 'Student Stories', reading post after post on 'College Confidential', and devouring every message on the Dickinson sub-reddit - I am now more confident than ever that a Dickinson education would give me every opportunity to grow into a well-rounded individual and positively contribute to society.

Dickinson's webpage on sustainability sums up my belief system pretty well - "We change the world by starting with our own backyard." In this regard, the College's promise to involve every member of its local community speaks to me at a very basal level. By joining the Dickinson Friends club, I want to interact with the less fortunate members of society and help them get a little nearer to their dreams. Service Trips would give me the opportunity to learn about the problems of disparate communities and how they deal with them in their own novel ways. On the other hand, working at the College Farm with the many passionate souls, learning about everything from rotational grazing to solar panel installation, would be an incredible learning. The Treehouse project also appeals to me due to its freedom to experiment and the chance to learn collaboratively - about composting and vermiculture, soap-making and vegetable preservation. Reading their posts on Facebook, one cannot help but feel their enthusiasm and energy, and this has only made me more fervent to participate in this awesome culture of sustainable living!

In addition, I am confident that I would be able to contribute positively to the Fitness Club, owing to my extensive experience with yoga and karate; at the same time joining the Ski and Snowboard Club would help me learn a new sport and make new friends. Browsing through the list of student-run clubs at Dickinson, I was surprised to notice the absence of any body for enthusiasts of radio-controlled machines. Last year, with the help of my elder brother, I assembled and flew my very own quad-copter, and that feeling of joy still remains with me. If admitted, I would love to form a 'Dickinson RC Club' and introduce my peers to this wonderful and fulfilling hobby.

I am the first person in my family to apply to an American university, let alone one as selective as Dickinson. Understandably, my parents are anxious. I on the other hand, am hopeful; unfazed even. I am confident that four years down the line, when I look back and see 17 year-old me proofreading this essay for the umpteenth time, I can smile a content man's smile, happy that I took the path less traveled.
thenewdude   
Jan 17, 2014
Scholarship / Essay for Skidmore's Porter Scholarship - Interest in SCIENCE [3]

Thank you for the suggestions. They are sure to help improve the essay!

If you have time, would you mind reviewing my Rhodes essay as well?

And I wish you good luck with the transfer process. Hope you succeed in your quest for better education!
thenewdude   
Jan 17, 2014
Undergraduate / I am a woman. I am pragmatic and unpredictable; Barnard Transfer Essay! [4]

I am pragmatic and unpredictable. -- Try, I am pragmatic and spontaneous.

and a beautiful mind -- and an eager/a curious mind .

I am a woman, unorthodox. Extraordinary. I am many things, and so is Barnard College. -- I am unorthodox and extraordinary; I am many things. And so is Barnard College.(you can totally ignore this, just sounds better to me)

and what I aspire to do with the rest of my college years, and for the rest of my life -- maybe try, " what I aspire to make of myself/my life."

But put simply, I do not believe that I can continue to grow anymore, as a woman, as a citizen, or as a student, at my current institution. -- But to put it simply, I do not believe that I can continue to grow anymore - as a student, as a woman, or as a citizen - at my current institution.

one of a sort of structured flexibility -- what do you mean to say? consider revising

arbitrary boundaries between -- rigid boundaries between
Knowing curriculum, which as my tour guide quipped quite smartly "should allow no Barnard woman to graduate with the same curriculum as another", my Barnard education can be carefully customized to meet my needs -- Knowing curriculum - which as my tour guide quipped quite smartly "should allow no Barnard woman to graduate with the same curriculum as another" - my Barnard education can be carefully customized to meet my needs

student body who is -- student body that is

but by the woman sitting next to me. I seek not competition, but collaboration with Barnard women, as we work to fulfill our own academic goals -- but by the student sitting next to me. I seek not competition, but collaboration as we work to fulfill our own academic goals . Try not to use 'woman' so often; they know they are a women's college!

we are both the matter and the makers of our own experiences -- love this sentence!!

Furthermore, I hope that I can leave my impression upon Barnard and my fellow classmates -- At the same time, I will endeavor to leave my distinct impression upon Barnard and my fellow classmates.

isolation, figurative or literal, -- isolation - figurative or literal -

Overall, beautiful language, and I think you answer the prompt sufficiently well. Hope I was helpful!!

Please comment on my Skidmore and Rhodes essays, if possible.
thenewdude   
Jan 17, 2014
Scholarship / Essay for Skidmore's Porter Scholarship - Interest in SCIENCE [3]

Hey guys! Below is my essay for the Porter scholarship at Skidmore. I'd appreciate any feedback:

Prompt: What aroused your interests in science and/or math, and what have you done to pursue them? No word limit.

"They said this money serves God's purpose, but now they act like it belongs to them", said my grandfather with contempt, after resigning from his various posts with the Swadhyay Parivar. This intrigued me, and on further research I learnt that over the years that organization had been involved in many fraudulent business practices, and with a membership of over five million, had come to very closely resemble a cult. Thus began my fascination with social psychology - understanding what drives people's behaviors and why we behave the way we do.

In this regard, the internet proved to be a great mentor - from the brilliant psychology blog 'The Situationist', I learnt how the widely accepted beliefs on human thinking and behavior are questionable; from 'Psyblog', I learnt about cognitive biases and how they lead us to making irrational decisions, where as 'The Last Psychiatrist' provided incisive insight into the mind of a practicing psychiatrist. Soon I became the fourteen year old trying to convince his friends why hate could not be a sustainable source of energy for the 'Sith' (from the Star Wars universe) because it is not a natural emotion, but dependent on stimuli from external abhorrent sources. Multiple re-runs of 'Lie to Me' even convinced me that I had become a walking lie-detector with an uncanny ability to decode the slightest tics!

Over time this early interest has grown more academic, and now shares my time with my other passions - mathematics and computer science. I discovered 'ProjectEuler' in tenth standard, and since then my mania for efficiency has only grown. I vividly remember one particularly challenging problem - finding the last ten digits of the non-Mersenne prime 28433×2^(7830457)+1. It consumed me completely for two whole days, but I was finally able to bring down the run-time of my code from three minutes to less than a second. That sense of adventure in exploring the many intricacies of a tough algorithm, that freedom for creative openness, provided a most exhilarating high; I have been hooked ever since.

Since my education system does not provide much latitude with respect to these interests, I have endeavored to continue my journey of self-improvement by taking online courses such as 'Introduction to Programming in Java' and 'Introduction to MATLAB' (MIT OpenCourseWare). My attempts to link together mathematics and computer science have produced many interesting results - the search for an efficient prime number generator introduced me to the Sieves of Atkins and Eratosthenes; the quest for finding the largest Collatz chain under one million led me to research papers attempting to solve the Collatz Problem. I also try to keep up with the latest research in psychology through online forums. Just last week I came across the ground-breaking longitudinal study by Prof. David Lubinski's group at Vanderbilt University, which concluded that although gifted children are most likely to be the next generation's innovators, education methods in most US schools do not allow them to reach their full potential. A long-term effort like this has every potential to impact government policy, within and without the United States.

My ambition is to work at the critical juncture of psychology and computation - to understand group dynamics and their significance in policy formation, to discover the hidden influence cultural factors on consumer habits, to decipher how the crowd forms decisions and what compels an individual to blindly follow the herd. If I can use my research to understand what makes people believe so firmly in an ideology that they do not think twice before taking their own lives, and if I can make even one person see reason, I honestly believe my purpose in life would have been served.
thenewdude   
Jan 17, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Rhodes? OPPORTUNITIES it offers! [2]

I would appreciate any feedback on the following essay:

Rhodes College prompt - Why Rhodes? (200 words)

The first thing that struck me about Rhodes was the sheer breadth of opportunities it offered - from access to a host of internships to diverse cultural activities in Memphis, it has everything to ensure that I have a holistic and meaningful college experience. I plan to double major in Computer Science and Environmental Studies (concentrating in environmental policy), and in this regard Rhodes would grant unparalleled opportunities - to interact with industry at the Telkom Center for Excellence, to conduct research in areas as different as parallel computing and security & networks, to conduct hands-on field work near the Mississippi river, and to learn about the functioning of non-profit organizations by participating in the Shelby Farms Park Conservancy internship program. The international approach at the College - where students work in countries as diverse as Bolivia and South Africa - also appeals to me due to the freedom to explore critical issues across the globe and gain insights from local solutions.

But most importantly, I choose Rhodes for the confidence to know that at the end of my college life I would not only be a better policy-maker and a better scientist; I would be a better human being.

(word count - 200)
thenewdude   
Jan 16, 2014
Undergraduate / I grew up in the rural countryside of China; Story central-- A Passion in Biology [5]

It is the poplar catkin seed.

I grew up in the rural countryside of China, having much more chance to interact with nature and the living world than the generation born and raised in cities of steel and concrete. -- Growing up in the rural countryside of China, I had many opportunities to interact with nature and the living world (I don't get the point of the second part. Why are you comparing yourself to some other generation?)

and some danced away in the wind to remote places

At first I thought these were flowers had wafted in to the air by the breeze.

I became increasingly surprised when after several hours

silently, yet determinedly

the white soft elves -- I don't understand how these seeds share a resemblance with elves. If I am wrong, please explain it to me :)

Later I learned in Biology class that

Later I learned in biology that those trees were disseminating their seeds by wind;

Since then , extensive interaction with nature has elicited in me a curiosity about life, an ardent interest for biological sciences. The upstanding trees, the verdant hills, the ripening crops, the blooming flowers, the lively animals, with their overflowing vitality always infuse me with exuberance and renewed energy.

To me, biology means more than dry concepts or correct answers to test questions; it means a connection with Mother Earth. As I grew older and learned advanced biology, many interesting phenomena that I had encountered in childhood resurfaced and I was able to connect my experiences with scientific theories. The daily scenes in my childhood become increasingly mysterious and worth of questioning.

investment of nature in the production

I am sorry I can't edit further as I have to complete my own supplements, but there are a few grammatical errors in the last two paragraphs as well. If possible, get those checked by an English teacher.

Overall, I think your use of imagery is simply amazing, and I can actually feel how much you love biology. Hopefully the admission committee will too :D

Good luck, and if possible please critique my second Macalester supplement (the one of diversity).
thenewdude   
Jan 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Who am I? supplement to the College of William and Mary! [4]

I LOOOVE it! Beautiful prose.

Just a few minor suggestions:

When school lets out on Fridays, I am not a red solo cup at a party, but rather, I am the spinning melodies, articulations, and arpeggios on my flute . In my spare time (what spare time?) I am the words that dance across the pages in graceful prose .

Some times (no comma) I am Wendy still waiting for Peter Pan to return to take her to Neverland; at others(no times) , I am Alice, just a little too far down the hole.

My best thinking comes (no 'when I'm') in the shower

My mind is sharp and quick, my spirit strong and eager; so I am confident...

I am someone who has experienced everything from utter defeat, to triumphant victory; and am balanced enough to understand that no matter what the outcome is, it is the process that is what builds mastery -- what exactly are you trying to say here? If the college application process is your 'process', what are you trying to gain mastery over? Try revising, and repost. I'm absolutely sure you can come up with a stronger ending.

Also, avoid contractions (I will and not I'll, I am and not I'm).

Great job! the adcom is bound to love you. Good luck!

PS - if possible please critique my new Macalester essay (on diversity)
thenewdude   
Jan 16, 2014
Undergraduate / "I don't understand what you are saying, pls tell in Gujarati"; Macalester - DIVERSITY [3]

Hey guys!
Please critique the following. It is the response to Mac's prompt, "Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a background very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them? (No word limit)". I tutored some students from the local government school from 8th to 10th grades, and have tried to include that here. As always, I will critique yours in return.

"Mane samajh nathi padtu tame shun kehta cho. Kripa kari Gujarati maa vaat karo". Translated to English this means, "I don't understand what you are saying. Please converse in Gujarati". In spite of all my attempts to convey how the two dimensional representation of an octahedron is an octagon, I could not get across my point to Meeku.

I remember the day when our maid brought along her son to our house like it was yesterday. His distinguishing feature was not his unusually small hands or his extremely close-set eyes, but his extraordinarily curiosity - about how my mother's mobile phone worked, what the microwave did, and why I had so many books. In the middle of this incessant line of questioning, he managed to tell me that he was a sixth standard student at our local Municipality school. We got talking and soon I learned that he was particularly fond of Mathematics, but was disappointed with the uninspiring teaching and the disillusioned teachers at his school. He went out on a limb and asked me if I could explain to him the chapter on geometrical figures from his textbook in my free time. To this day I am glad that I said yes.

We started the next day, but made very little progress. Teaching Meeku even simple mathematical concepts using Hindi or English terminology turned out to be a Herculean task. Soon it was clear that my only options were either getting fluent in Gujarati, or giving up on the endeavor altogether. Though I have grown up in Gujarat, till that moment I had never really bothered to learn Gujarati, since I always got by just fine using Hindi. This predicament, however, forced me to make a deliberate effort to learn the language of my state. I approached a friend who agreed to tutor me. After practicing for two weeks, I managed to learn the Gujarati terms for a whole slew of mathematical figures and operations; we could now begin anew.

We quickly finished that certain chapter, and moved on to the next one. And the next one. For two months we made brilliant progress, and I was elated to be doing a 'noble' deed. However one particular incident jolted me out of my priggishness. We had barely begun with the concept of simple interest, when Meeku abruptly stopped me to ask, "But why on earth would my parents give their money to a bank? How will they pay the rent if they do that?" I was swiftly reminded that many families do not have the cushion of savings to fall back on, that if Meeku's parents did not go to work for a day they might not have food on the table at night. That was his way of telling me to get off my high horse and appreciate my fortune at having being born in a family that could provide me with a comfortable living. I realized that diversity is not only realized in the color of one's skin, it is also affected in the way actualizes one's community.

What started out as a pseudo teacher-student relationship has today blossomed into a lasting friendship. Meeku will take his tenth standard school leaving examination this year, and I am certain that this will only be his stepping stone to larger things.
thenewdude   
Jan 15, 2014
Undergraduate / How soccer has influenced my life for the past 13 years [2]

Great essay. Short, sweet and I think answers the prompt very well.

Just a few minor suggestions:

My lungs compress as I vigorously try to catch my breath -- I get the point of tired thighs and sore ankles, but the lungs ALWAYS compress and dilate; this is not something specific to rigorous physical activity. Maybe you could say, "The sound of my heartbeats grow louder as I vigorously try to catch my breath."

Nevertheless, I've never given up on soccer -- maybe "Nevertheless, I've never given up". this sounds less repetitive.

Can't think of anything besides this. Good job!

Could you please critique my Colgate and Macalester essays? They are due urgently.
thenewdude   
Jan 15, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Perfect' American college": Colgate supplement, 200 words [2]

Hey guys!
Below is my response to Colgate's prompt: What inspired you to apply to Colgate? (150-200) words.
It is due in a few hours, so please critique ASAP. As always, I will review your essay in return.

(The essay is 227 words long. Any suggestions to trim it?)

When I began my search for the 'perfect' American college, I was looking for an institution that offers intense academic rigor, substantial financial aid and challenging international experience. This is when I came across Colgate - from a host of internships to semester abroad programs, from state-of-the-art research facilities to plentiful extracurricular activities, Colgate has everything I have ever wanted from a holistic college experience.

I believe in the power of community involvement to counter our environmental travails, and plan to major in Environmental Studies and Educational Studies. The opportunity to travel to the University of Wollongong in Australia and interact with people from various cultures, to conduct collaborative graduate-level research in current environmental issues (ENST 390), and to build relationships with alumni through the "Colgate Connections" program would let me gain comprehensive understanding of real-world issues. I am also drawn to the unique 'Global Leaders at Colgate' series of lectures, as these would allow one to interact closely with world leaders and learn about how they overcome obstacles daily to deliver results time after time.

The touching Hindi poem by Harivanshrai Bachchan urges its readers to endeavor relentlessly, to never run away from the battlefield, as this is the only way to guarantee success. I hope that with utmost dedication and hard work, I will be able to realize my American Dream at Colgate.
thenewdude   
Jan 15, 2014
Undergraduate / "The Road Not Taken"; Why Macalester? [6]

Hey Alyssa!
Thanks a ton for the helpful comments. I can't believe that I missed out those easy to spot errors. Clearly, you have a good grasp of the English language!

I'll critique yours in a about two hours (am still completing my Colgate supplement).
thenewdude   
Jan 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; government´control on water´using. [11]

Hey. Thanks for commenting on my essay. After reading through all the comments, there really isn't anything more to contribute.
I think all the posters above have done a good job of critiquing your essay. If there is another essay you need help with, please let me know.

Good luck!
thenewdude   
Jan 15, 2014
Undergraduate / "The Road Not Taken"; Why Macalester? [6]

Hey guys! Below is my response to Macalester's prompt, 'What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally? '.

The deadline is in 24 hours, and I will appreciate any critique. Needless to say, I promise to review your essay in return.

(There is no word limit)

In 1915, drawing inspiration from the indecisiveness of his friend Edward Thomas during their long walks, Robert Frost penned the beautiful poem, "The Road Not Taken".

In December 2013, I arrived at a cross-road of my own - whether or not to spend substantial time and money applying to US universities, or to continue preparing for the IIT-JEE examination. After some retrospection, I convinced my parents that the Indian post-secondary education system would not successfully cater to my passions, and began my search for the right American college. My top factors affecting this search were academic flexibility and rigor, financial aid, location, and diversity of the student body. Needless to say, Macalester was the only one that fulfilled all the criteria - the 'Holy Grail'!

The first thing that struck me about the College was the sheer breath of opportunities it offered. From a host of internships to semester abroad programs, from a vibrant nightlife in the Twin Cities to research opportunities right from the first semester, Macalester would provide everything to ensure that I have a holistic and meaningful college experience. I plan to double major in Computer Science and Environmental Studies, and a Mac education would go a long way in giving me the best of both worlds. The opportunity to battle it out with the best in the Putnam Mathematics Competition, to conduct research in fields as varied as parallel computing and robot navigation, and to engage with world-class faculty is what the Macalester experience would guarantee me.

I have always believed that change in society only comes through concerted efforts at the lowest levels, and have endeavored to live my life by this creed. Macalester's commitment to form community relationships speaks to me at a very basal level, and I would absolutely cherish the chance to work with the many motivated souls on campus. It would be a wonderful learning experience to participate in any of the clean-energy initiatives undertaken by The Macalester Conservation and Renewable Energy Society (MacCARES). The EcoHouse project in particular appeals to me due to its freedom to experiment and the chance to learn collaboratively. Reading about the experiences of Julia, Meg, Maars and Mickey on the EcoHouse blog, their journeys of transformation from average teenagers to eco-maniacs with formidable knowledge about composting and vermiculture, veritable skills in soap-making and vegetable preservation, has only made me more fervent to participate in this awesome culture of sustainable living! Alyssa Markle's post in The Orange has even got me excited about the 'Outdoor Environmental Education' course, and if admitted, I would love to avail of this opportunity to relate my classroom experience to actual interaction with students.

I am confident that I would be able to contribute positively to the Macalester Yoga Club and the Macalester Martial Arts Club, owing to my extensive experience with yoga and karate. Browsing through the list of student-run clubs at Mac, I was surprised to notice the absence of any body for enthusiasts of radio-controlled machines. Last year, with the help of my elder brother, I assembled and flew my very own quad-copter, and that feeling of joy still remains with me. If admitted, I would love to form a 'Macalester RC Club' and introduce the students to this wonderful and fulfilling hobby.

I am the first person in my family applying to any American university, let alone one as selective as Macalester. Understandably, my parents are anxious. I on the other hand, am hopeful; confident even. I am confident that four years down the line, when I look back to this day, I can sigh a content man's sigh, wise in the knowledge that I took the path less traveled.
thenewdude   
Jan 10, 2014
Undergraduate / Cornell's CAS Supplement - your current intellectual interests [8]

Hey Liang! Thank you for your suggestions. I have made some major changes in the essay and am posting the updated version below (and no, you aren't late. I will be submitting this much later now):

"They said this money serves God's purpose, but now they act like it belongs to them", said my grandfather with contempt, after

resigning from his various posts with the Swadhyay Parivar. This intrigued me, and on further research I learnt that over the years
that organization had been involved in many fraudulent business practices, and with a membership of over five million, had come to
very closely resemble a cult. Thus began my fascination with social psychology - understanding what drives people's behaviors and
why we behave the way we do.

The internet proved to be a great mentor - from the brilliant psychology blog 'The Situationist', I learnt how the widely accepted
beliefs on human thinking and behavior are questionable; from 'Psyblog', I learnt about cognitive biases and how they lead us to
making irrational decisions, whereas 'The Last Psychiatrist' provided incisive insight into the mind of a practicing psychiatrist. Soon I
became the fourteen year old trying to convince his friends why hate could not be a sustainable source of energy for the 'Sith' (from
the Star Wars universe) because it is not a natural emotion, but dependent on stimuli from abhorrent sources. Multiple re-runs of 'Lie
to Me' even convinced me that I had become a walking lie-detector with an uncanny ability to decode the slightest tics!
This early interest has now grown more academic, and has combined with another passion, computer science. I discovered
'ProjectEuler' in tenth standard, and since then my mania for efficiency has only grown. I vividly remember one particularly
challenging problem - finding the last ten digits of the non-Mersenne prime 28433×2^(7830457)+1. It consumed me completely for
two whole days, but I was finally able to bring down the run-time of my code from three minutes to less than a second. That sense of

adventure in exploring the many intricacies of a tough algorithm, the freedom for creative openness, provided a most exhilarating
high. I knew I was hooked.

Since my education system does not provide much latitude for these interests, I have endeavored to continue my journey by taking
online courses and discussing my ideas on online forums. I am currently reading 'An Introduction to Developmental Psychology' by
Alan Slater, and make it a point to discuss the concepts I learn with my therapist. In this direction, the College of Arts and Sciences

offers unparalleled opportunities - the space to explore the influence of people's emotions with Dr. David Pizarro at the Center for
Behavioral Economics and Decision Research, with the time to participate in cutting-edge research with the Knowledge
Representation and Reasoning group at the Department of Computer Science. If admitted, I would pursue double majors in
Computer Science (focusing on Artificial Intelligence) and Psychology (concentrating in Social and Personality Psychology), with a
minor in Cognitive Science. I am particularly interested in 'Reasoning About Knowledge (CS 6764)' and 'Reasoning About
Uncertainty (CS 6766)' since they provide a solid foundation to understand group dynamics. I can almost see myself working with
Dr. Arpita Ghosh, trying to decipher how the crowd forms decisions and what implications this has in the marketplace. In fact,
Computer Science's emphasis on algorithmic approach along with psychology's focus on critical thinking provide fertile ground to
probe the many questions I have, such as "Can cognition be parameterized?", and "Can findings from machine learning further our
understanding of social psychology?".

My experience with programming has taught me never to settle for the second-best solution. Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences
would provide the most efficient route to explore unopened frontiers at the critical juncture of psychology and computation. If I can
use my research to understand what makes people believe so firmly in an ideology that they do not think twice before taking their
own lives, and if I can make even one person see reason, I honestly believe my purpose in life would have been served.
thenewdude   
Jan 10, 2014
Undergraduate / Economics interest + how to pursue at USC--USC supplement [5]

LiangWu
Hey! Yeah, when I read it again, I realized that you had in fact talked about USC extensively in the third para. My bad.

Nah, can't think of anything to add. Do post an updated copy, maybe that'll help.

Bdw, I am submitting that Cornell essay in 45 mins (about 2hrs 15 mins late, which is apparently acceptable). I'd appreciate if you could go over and look at it.
thenewdude   
Jan 9, 2014
Undergraduate / Economics interest + how to pursue at USC--USC supplement [5]

I second the above opinion. Besides that, here are some pointers:

Their acuteness of attracting customers and deciding which mobile phone models to sell always sparked my curiosity -- Their acuteness of attracting customers and deciding which mobile phone models to sell never fail to awe me, and sparked in me an immense curiosity to learn economics.

When I read about behavioral economics, I thought of my irrational anticipation as I mocked trading in bullion market. -- I am not sure what you intend to convey, but you can definitely omit this sentence. The next sentence would provide a better intro. to the paragraph.

In the last para, change all the will's to would's.

In addition, I will join the Joint Educational Project to observe local agencies and apply organizational theories. -- I would join the Joint Educational Project to observe local agencies at work, which would give me opportunities to apply organizational theories to the real world.

Let me know if you need further help, I would be more than happy.

Could you please critique my Cornell essay? The deadline is in 1 hour!
thenewdude   
Jan 9, 2014
Undergraduate / I wanted to work as a mechanical engineer; Georgia Tech Writing Supplement- [4]

Zackjam1

"In my freshmen year of high school, I decided that I wanted to work as a mechanical engineer. I believe that Georgia Tech is the school capable of providing me with this opportunity. With its research program, I will be able to do the undergraduate research that I've hoped to perform in mechanical engineering since high school." - replace Georgia Tech with any other school, and this still holds true. To be blunt, your opening is uninspiring. I am sure you can come up with something better than this; take a look at other essays on this forum, that'll definitely help you.

Also, they don't want to hear that you are choosing them since they are affordable. These kinds of questions need you to be as SPECIFIC as possible. Pick a course, a prof, a semester-abroad program, or a laboratory that particularly catches your fancy and expound on that.

I would encourage you to completely rewrite this essay, and post it again here. I would love to look at it.

Could you please critique my Cornell essay? It is due in an hour!
thenewdude   
Jan 9, 2014
Undergraduate / Cornell's CAS Supplement - your current intellectual interests [8]

Thanks for your reply.
Yes, I have taken the last two paras from another essay in the forum. Though I wouldn't say 'lifted'. But thanks anyways, I will modify them.

I was done in 500 words and couldn't think of anything more to add (I know that doesn't justify it, just saying).
Besides the last two paragraphs, how would you rate the rest of the essay?

Thanks a bunch!
thenewdude   
Jan 9, 2014
Undergraduate / Cornell's CAS Supplement - your current intellectual interests [8]

Hey guys! Below is my response to Cornell's prompt:
Describe two or three of your current intellectual interests and why they are exciting to you. Why will Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences be the right environment in which to pursue your interests? (Please limit your response to 650 words.)

It is 647 words long, and due in less than 10 hours. I would really love your comments, and as promised, will critiqued yours almost immediately!

Response:

"They said this money serves God's purpose, now they act like it belongs to them", said my grandfather with contempt, after resigning from his various posts with the Swadhyay Parivar. This intrigued me, and on further research I learnt that over the years that organization had been involved in many fraudulent business practices, and with a membership of over five million, had come to very closely resemble a cult.

Thus began my fascination with social psychology - what drives people's behaviors, what are our motivations, what we think affects us versus hidden stimuli. The internet proved to be a great mentor - from the brilliant psychology blog 'The Situationist', I learnt how the widely accepted beliefs on human thinking and behavior are seriously questionable; from 'Psyblog', I learnt about cognitive biases and how they lead us to making irrational decisions, whereas 'The Last Psychiatrist' provided incisive insight into the mind of a practicing psychiatrist. Soon I became the fourteen year old trying to convince her friends why hate could not be a sustainable source of energy for the 'Sith' (from the Star Wars universe) because it is not a natural emotion, but a function of stimuli from abhorrent sources. Multiple re-runs of 'Lie To Me' and books like 'What Every Body is Saying' by Joe Navarro even convinced me that I had become a walking lie detector with an uncanny ability to decode even the slightest tics!

My second enduring passion is computer science, and particularly coding. Few things get me more excited than reading about how some 14-year old has successfully defaced the website of a major corporation, or how some 22-year old has made his fortune with a website startup. I have taken all the computer science courses offered by my schools, and many weekends find me sitting rapt in front of the computer, wracking my brains over some problem from 'ProjectEuler', or furiously trying to optimize my code for 'Codechef'.

Since my education system does not provide much latitude with respect to these interests, I have endeavored to continue my journey of self-improvement by taking online courses, such as 'Introduction to Programming in Java' and 'Introduction to Algorithms' (MIT OCW). I am currently reading 'An Introduction to Developmental Psychology' by Alan Slater, and make it a point to discuss the concepts I learn with my therapist. In this regard, the College of Arts and Sciences offers unparalleled opportunities - the space to explore the relationship between people's emotions and judgments with Dr. David Pizarro at the Cornell Center for Behavioral Economics and Decision Research (BEDR), with the time to participate in research with the Knowledge Representation and Reasoning group at the Department of Computer Science. If admitted, I would pursue double majors in Computer Science (focusing on Artificial Intelligence) and Psychology (concentrating in Social and Personality Psychology), with a minor in Cognitive Science. Computer Science's emphasis on algorithmic approach along with psychology's focus on critical thinking provide fertile ground to probe the many questions I have, such as "Can cognition be parameterized?", and "Can findings from machine learning further our understanding of social psychology?".

I am also interested in embarking on a cooperative work-study program in computer science, because of the unique opportunity to immerse oneself in an intensive environment with professionals. Having taught myself five computer languages, I am eager to test my mettle, as well as bring the skills I learn at the workplace back to the laboratory.

Overall, Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences is an institution where I can flourish with students who are equally passionate about making a difference in people's lives. If I can understand what drives people into joining cults, what makes them believe so firmly in an ideology that they do not think twice before taking their own lives, and if I can make even one person see reason, I would be the happiest person in the world.
thenewdude   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / 'I finally got to see the Hogwarts dining hall' - Yale supplement [12]

cicijolee

Being chosen as concertmistress for an orchestra taught me that it was okay to be different from "other concertmasters" and that different can actually be better and more likeable. --- Being chosen as concertmistress for an orchestra taught me that it was okay to be different from "other concertmasters" and that "different" can actually be better and more likable. (put different in double inverted commas, and check the spelling of likable)

"That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason why I was first attracted to Yale and also why I can't get Yale out of my head." ---

"That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason I was first attracted to Yale, and the reason I can't get Yale out of my head."

Rather than seeing me as another volunteer, he saw me as a friend, a confident, and simply a young girl that he could talk to. --- Rather than seeing me as another volunteer, he saw me as a friend, a confidant, and simply a young girl that he could talk to. (confidant, not confident)

I wish I was better at singing. Even though I play an instrument, it doesn't mean my mouth can do the same thing. --- your mouth DOES play the instrument! I feel what you are trying to say here, but your sentence structure is a bit skewed. Consider revising.

Peter wouldn't mention why he was now on the streets ---- Peter wouldn't mention how he came to live on the streets

I was on the annual Urban Challenge Club Thanksgiving trip at a --- I was on the annual Urban Challenge Club Thanksgiving trip, at a

Everyone has connections and similarities with others; we just have to reach out and lend an ear to find them. --- when you say 'lend an ear', you mean you have to LISTEN to someone. if that is indeed your intended motive, say 'everyone has stories to share'. else, you could say 'Everyone has connections and similarities with others; all it requires on our part is an effort to reach out and find them.'

I hope I was helpful! Will critique your other essay in a bit.

Could you also read and comment on my Lafayette essay?
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I am not exactly sure what matters to me; Stanford [8]

'thirst for knowledge' has been used twice, in very close proximity. try changing one of those to something else.

Also, and I am sorry to be blunt, if I were an admission officer, I wouldn't look over your essay twice.
There is no 'hook', so to speak. PICK ONE THING, and stick with it. Please try to rewrite the whole thing and post it here again.

And please, please, don't begin the essay with "I am not exactly sure what matters to me". As the above poster noted, the first line itself will disinterest the reader.

I'll be happy to read your edited version.

I'd be great if you could critique my Lafayette essay.
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / WHY UCHICAGO-- where I love coffee, microscopes, and people. [4]

beautiful, beautiful writing. I have nothing to say, except MAYBE this:

in the Fermilab - why 'the'?

other than that, the essay is great! you have masterfully expounded upon all three of your 'loves', and how their relation to UChicago.
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford intellectual vitality...Turkey [4]

maddigirl

Love your first para - good imagery!

I thought one thing: destiny -- rephrase this please (I am sorry I can't tell you how; I am a non native speaker and it's 4 in the morning and my brain has stopped working:))

Just recently, one of my teachers.. --- Recently, one of my teachers.. .

My Turkey infatuation --- My infatuation for Turkey

Other than that, I feel your essay is well written. Nice job!

Could you please critique my Lafayette essay?
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / University of Rochester Supplemental Essay 2013-2014 (What kind of Meliora Experiences?) [4]

Hey man!

Glad I could help. But if I were you, I'd wait for more opinions on the content matter. I have seen drastically different views in the same thread many a time.

Yeah, I feel they are. I am about 95% sure, but again, do wait for more opinions. Let me give you a 'like', so you can make this thread Featured. That'll attract attention faster:)
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / University of Rochester Supplemental Essay 2013-2014 (What kind of Meliora Experiences?) [4]

Some minor grammatical errors. Overall, the essay seems to be fine:

Why're there no masters of nearly every field of academia, polymaths who can, one day, change the way we perceive the world that is beneath our feet, and then the heavens on the next? -- Why are there no masters of nearly every field of academia - polymaths - who can not only change the way we perceive the world beneath our feet, but also the heaven above us?

because I want to study exactly what I want, when I want to -- lose the 'to' (never end a sentence with a preposition)

The home of the Yellow-Jackets would provide me with the opportunity to shadow medical professionals at the Strong Memorial Hospital, bringing my own research experience to one of the most distinguished institutions in the world, and then walk across campus to the University's world-renowned Eastman School of Music to watch one of my favorite musical performances, a cappela, performed by the Midnight Ramblers. --- The home of the Yellow-Jackets would provide me with the opportunity to shadow medical professionals at the Strong Memorial Hospital - bringing my own research experience to one of the most distinguished institutions in the world - and walk across campus to the University's world-renowned Eastman School of Music to watch one of my favorite musical performances, a cappela, performed by the Midnight Ramblers.

Let me know if you have any questions.
And please critique my Lafayette essay:)
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / "Chess is central to my identity"; UIUC - Get to know you better [3]

which appealed to my competitive nature --- which appeals to my competitive nature

Through playing chess, I was able to become a better problem solver as I improved my analytical power along with my creative capacity --- Through playing chess, I have become become a better problem solver as I improved my analytic power along with my creative capacity.

Chess was also essential in helping me recognize my identity. The chess piece that I relate to most is the knight -- Chess was also essential in helping me recognize my identity; the chess piece that I relate to most is the knight.

Similarly, I enhance the strengths of others around me by providing support and leadership -- Similarly, I enhance the strengths of others around me by providing support, often through leadership. (not sure about this though)

Besides the above grammatical errors, I think your essay puts across your message effectively. Good job!

Please take a look at my Lafayette supplement:)
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco Protectors - Lafayette: What do you do? Why do you do it? [10]

Hey!
Thanks so much Madeline! You got it down to 220, and I think I'll cut down on some of our activities to get it down to 210.

Bdw, could you give your frank opinion: on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best), how would you rate this essay?
That'll help me decide whether or not I should rewrite the entire thing, because frankly I am not very happy with it.

And for anyone wishing to help me, here is the updated version:
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Comments on Yale essays? (Why Yale, Reflection on something you would like to say more) [5]

Just from a quick read:

The sight of him coming home after work or going overseas for a short period was a common occurrence to us. Yet, every sight of my father sitting at the sofa, clearly exhausted after a day's work invokes a surge of emotion in me: gratitude, empathy and even sadness. ---- try not to use 'sight' twice in consecutive sentences. Think of a synonym, or restructure one of the sentences.

He has always endorsed me ---- He has always encouraged me

seek out my own passion ---- not sure if seek can be used in this way. Maybe try 'to find/discover my passion(s)'?

be it Taekwando or diabolo lessons. ---- be it Taekwando or diabolo (if you use 'lessons', it'd mean diabolo lessons are your passion)

Even though I enjoyed those trials, the ultimate question remains: what do I want to do with my life? --- Even though I enjoyed those trials, the ultimate question remained: What did I want to do with my life? (you use three tenses in the same sentence and it definitely sounds jarring)

I am very tired right now, will continue tomorrow. Sorry!
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford roomate essay...vampire [9]

I absolutely love your approach and your playful tone. It's a great essay!
Just some minor revisions:

I don't like secrets--and it's not as if my sun-reflecting skin, Transylvanian heritage, and razor sharp canines wouldn't betray me anyhow. --- I don't like secrets, and anyways it's not as if my sun-reflecting skin, Transylvanian heritage, and razor sharp canines wouldn't eventually betray me.

2. running (in the dark nobody sees my dorky running gear) ----- 2. running (nobody sees my dorky running gear in the dark )

7. reading the latest developments in Syria - ---7. reading up on the latest developments in Syria

11. You won't be doing the cleaning. I will. At 4 am. ----- why is the 'Y' in 'You' in capitals? The first words of all the other points start with a small letter.

Other than that, I feel it's ready for submission.
Good luck!
thenewdude   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco Protectors - Lafayette: What do you do? Why do you do it? [10]

Hey guys! Below is my reply to Lafayette's prompt:
There's a difference between being busy and being engaged. Lafayette comes alive each day with the energy of students who are deeply engaged in their academic, co-curricular and extracurricular explorations. In response to the second prompt, keep it simple - choose one activity and add depth to our understanding of your involvement. What do you do? Why do you do it? (20-200 words)

However, I have used 300 words, and am not sure where to trim the narrative.
Could you please help with that, and also comment on the quality of the essay?
I promise to critique yours in return :)

You know how when you are so passionate about something, you wake up every morning with a smile on your face and a jump in your step, ready to conquer the day? Well, that's not me. Most mornings I wake up groggy and tired from lack of sleep because I was busy planning out the next activity of my club.

In the April of 2010, my best friend from school and I formed Eco Protectors - our attempt to answer the many environmental issues facing our home town. For our first project, we decided to address the problem of rising air pollution by organizing a week-long festival, comprising of an environmental awareness cycle rally, street performances, and culminating in a tree plantation drive. Although we had thought we could easily handle it, the real world difficulties challenged all our learnings. Over the period of two months, we gave multiple presentations to the xyz Municipality, approached private donors for assistance, printed and put up flyers in many apartment buildings, formed a website for publicity, convinced local newspapers and news channels to join our effort, conducted five auditions, and were finally able to gather about fifty volunteers. This was the first big project I had undertaken, and it has taught me a lot of things. I have learnt the value of timely coordination and teamwork, the importance of soft skills and real world experience. I have learnt that no amount of planning will compensate for people's ability to screw things up, but I have also seen the power of belief - if we can communicate our ideas to people in a way that relates to their personal lives, we can turn their apathy into passion, and even turn our staunchest opponents into our closest friends.
thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Palazzio Vecchio - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [12]

WizFan2
much better than the previous one. some edits:

Similar to Langdon in Inferno, I am drawn to Carnegie Mellon because I will be offered a vast amount of opportunities and numerous potential paths to take, of which I have to take the right one in order to reach my ultimate goal of succeeding on Wall Street. - i get the sentiment, but sentence structure is quite convoluted and doesn't flow at all. definitely revise.

Second last line, cut out 'with these opportunities'. just start with 'carnegie mellon is the...'

possibly merge the last two sentences (could ignore this):
Carnegie Mellon is the Palazzo Vecchio, and I am Robert Langdon - the diploma is my Dante's Mask.

Let me know if I can help further. and please read my new post on the st. olaf essay.
thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Palazzio Vecchio - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [12]

WizFan2
great first para. the last one - not so much.
though I love how you wrap up the essay, you haven't been very specific. Pick a course, a professor, or some study abroad program that you really LOVED, and go bananas.

It has a lot of potential, you just need to make sure the essay doesn't lose its momentum.

Let me know if I can help further.
thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "We buy your sh#t and sell it back to your for a profit"; St. Olaf - Interim Course [10]

WizFan2
Hey WizFan2, thanks a bunch!

How about this for the last para (I am trying to tie it to the first line):

Before working in world class labs, I want my peers to witness bottom-of-the-pyramid innovation; before starting their own companies, I want them to experience the power of local governance. After all, shouldn't we all be responsible for our own shit?
thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / McIntire essay - Taking life in stride, multi-cultural experience [2]

a sweater and a scarf
My lymph nodes are so swollen,

In the second para, you say that you climb onto (not 'on') the roof of a building. That is not sleeping on the streets. If you want, you can say, 'I have never lived like this before.'

I sleep uncomfortably on the hard FLOOR (how are there rocks on the terrace?) ; I wake up.... (not a full stop but a semi colon.)

The rare early-wakers walking the docks, their figure reflected in the water. - suddenly the tense has been changed from simple present to present continuous. Try using one tense throughout.

Overall, you come off as very convincing. Great Job!!

Please look at my st. olaf essay.

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