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Posts by Kristoria
Name: Kristoff Graham
Joined: Dec 23, 2013
Last Post: Dec 22, 2014
Threads: 3
Posts: 51  
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Kristoria   
Dec 22, 2014
Scholarship / Vandy Chancellor's Scholarship on Values [3]

I still have 50 more words I could use to reach the max word limit. Any advice could be useful.

The values promoted by the Chancellor's Scholarship are leadership, scholarship, diversity, and citizenship. Please describe how one of your activities from the list above has contributed to your understanding of these values. Please limit your response to 500 words.

Everyone stood still. The atmosphere in the room gradually became more and more awkward. My fellow club members struggled to break the ice as the children stared at them, expecting them to say or do something. The Bustamante Hospital for Children takes care of some of the most severely ill youngsters in the country. Hence, it can be a frightening experience for first timers who are not used to the sights and cries of the children in pain. As vice-president of Octagon Club, it was time for me to step up and take responsibility of the club members who were under my command. This was my first volunteering trip as vice-president, but I had to think quickly or the trip would be a waste for the children. "What do kids love to do?" I wondered. "Play games!" I said to myself as I quickly recalled that most of the club members had tablets and phones with a variety of games on them. Slowly but surely, these games proved to be the ice breaker as I watched each club member getting more comfortable with the children. The unfortunate conditions of these youngsters can make it easy to forget that they want and enjoy the same things as any other normal child. Understanding this fact is the key to any successful volunteering activity with children. From then on, I could inspire my fellow club members to express themselves, so that the children can find joy in the time that is spent with them.

Octagon club has also given me the opportunity to interact with children who are economically disadvantaged. Every year the club has a stuffed teddy bear drive for less fortunate children during the Christmas holiday. This has given me a new perspective on the simple things in life many of us tend to overlook. My first Christmas drive proved to be a learning experience in regards to economic diversity. The children are always filled with joy when they realize that they will receive a gift for the Christmas holiday. Even though these toys are second-hand gifts, many of them no longer wanted or needed by their owners, they are grateful for the fact that they can say they got a present for Christmas. As vice-president at my second Christmas drive, I was able to bridge the gap between the club members and the children by showing them how to interact with each child. In this way, I helped to promote diversity to the other club members. Therefore, I have used my learning experience at Octagon to not only teach the members of the club the importance of giving back, but also how best to interact with those who are from different backgrounds.
Kristoria   
Dec 21, 2014
Undergraduate / I have searched for schools with programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I found you [14]

You should eliminate the "I want", "I love", "I hope" phrases. Be confident and try rewording the sentences. So instead of "I love vegetables," say "Vegetables will help me in becoming a healthy person who will...." Take note of vangiespen's advice. It is very important that you pick one major and develop it; explain how UChicago's programs will help you.
Kristoria   
Jan 8, 2014
Undergraduate / 'innate curiosity of mine' NC State statement about major choice [6]

all of the/my household electronics and tools

and probably end with a period after tools. I have an understanding of what you are trying to convey so go right ahead and use it. I think its good to start the essay with the origins of why you became interested in physics and then develop it from there, eg. you started fixing things around the house, you started reading about the lives of famous physicists, etc.
Kristoria   
Jan 8, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Sitting in my first conference I was nervous.' Common App Essay: on Failure [2]

Holy crap, I have that same exact attitude. In fact I have been trying my best to get rid of this trait but it is slow process so I understand exactly what you are writing about. Maybe I am becoming too biased here but I like this essay. The only thing is maybe you could focus more on the conference instead of going into another example. If you think it has enough substance to carry the majority of the essay then I would suggest doing that. If not, you could just leave it as is.
Kristoria   
Jan 8, 2014
Undergraduate / Essay about struggle to fit in a new place and my experience with bullying (help) [3]

You have a period after planet followed by the word and. This needs to be fixed. "It was confusing and very unpleasant seeing how I was not really keen on the idea of moving to this foreign alien planet. and was extremely anxious about how I would be received."

And in these two lines, what happened to the end of the sentences, "....split the world in two. With this news in mind I was" and "...make them feel bad,' Yeah, she is."

Besides that I do not fully understand what the essay is about. To me it seems to be racism because of the line about your complexion. However, for me it isn't all that clear as the essay doesn't directly point out anything about the location (such as where you moved from and where you moved to) or the exact details. Maybe you want it to be like that so I guess you should get an opinion from someone else.
Kristoria   
Jan 8, 2014
Undergraduate / Research, CMB/BME, Diversity (Why UofM?) - University of Michigan Essay #2 [4]

The last paragraph about diversity is somewhat repetitive. It seems you could eliminate a sentence like "I would like to be exposed to several different cultures, as it will expand my worldview and turn me into a more knowledgeable person." or maybe combine 2 of these 3 sentences "Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives. UofM is renowned for its diverse community. Diversity breeds collaboration, as people of different backgrounds work together at UofM."

I liked the flow of the essay. However, this is just my opinion so you could check with someone else.
Kristoria   
Jan 7, 2014
Undergraduate / McCormick School of Engineering's NORTHWESTERN SUPPLEMENT: UNIQUE QUALITIES [7]

Need some quick responses on this supplement as I am trying to send it off ASAP. Any constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated.

Northwestern Statement: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (250 words)

Northwestern Statement: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (250 words)

Clicking link after link, I searched desperately to find the right school where I would be able to enjoy spending the next four years of my life. My search ended the moment I found Northwestern's website. My imagination went off at the idea of relaxing at the university's private beach in front of the beautiful Lake Michigan to painting artistic masterpieces on The Rock and participating in a variety of activities such as the Dance Marathon. I can see myself enjoying the school's fantastic sports teams and I hope to bring the sport of cricket to this institution. These qualities, combined with the diverse student population dispersed throughout the residential colleges and its location close to the city of Chicago, made selecting Northwestern an easy choice as an international student.

More importantly, Northwestern's programs are expertly designed to prepare its students for the world beyond university. An electrical engineer who visited my school once said to me that communication and working with people are important in the field of engineering. The Design Thinking and Communication Course will aid me with developing these skills as it integrates collaborative work and communication skills in a group setting to solve problems. The chance at working on projects submitted by real clients will be a great experience that most universities do not offer. Northwestern is a school that is highly ranked in both Industrial Engineering and Communication. There is nowhere else where can I find such a stellar combination to equip me with a high quality education from both fields.

McCormick School of Engineering's co-op and internship programs will give me invaluable work experience. Acquiring this experience will be crucial in preparing for life after university and I intend to use these programs to display my ability to companies. Therefore, these programs are a stepping stone towards getting a foothold in the working world. McCormick School of Engineering's focus on exposing its undergraduate students to engineering at an early stage appeals to my pragmatic nature. These unique qualities make Northwestern pop out from just being another top school on a list, to a place where I would truly enjoy learning as a Wildcat.
Kristoria   
Jan 1, 2014
Undergraduate / The creative minds - BARNARD COLLEGE SUPPLEMENT [3]

Cut this sentence from "When I mean unique taste what i am trying to articulate is becoming interested in things because you actually like them" to "By that I mean...." The next sentence is somewhat long and maybe you can cut it down. I liked the idea in the last few sentences but they sound a bit shaky. Maybe you can try merging one or two or reword them so the flow is better.
Kristoria   
Jan 1, 2014
Undergraduate / Sessions with my Arab friends - Stanford roommate essay [6]

I liked this essay. Probably had something to do with the fact that you knowing a variety of people reminded me of my own essay. Never really saw the self-centered thing come up as I read it so for me it was good.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I am not exactly sure what matters to me; Stanford [8]

Cut the first 3 sentences and focus on the way your health has been important to you. Possibly, you could state that you don't take things for granted and you are trying to make the most of your life. Try and draw the reader into your story.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements- The "Teacher"; "Debater"; "Collector"; and "Worker" [7]

OK, I think the first one you wrote had more potential to be a better topic than the 2nd. However, as the essays are now the 2nd one is better at this point in time. I would recommend rewriting the first one to make it more interesting. That is my opinion so wait until you get more comments to get a better idea of what to do.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'president of my school's Newzpaper, The Flame' Stanford extra curricular Elaboration. [6]

The first sentence is somewhat unnecessary seeing as that in the 2nd sentence you state that you are president. I guess you probably ran out of words and you were trying to state how important a dream it was for you to become president. However, with the essay as it is now cut out the 1st sentence for some words. However, I would recommend taking the advice above about giving an eg of how you tried to keep it alive. That will be hard wit your word prob but maybe you could cut out these words "As a direct result of the cancellation of the 2012 Christmas edition of The Flame" and just say that it has become difficult because club membership declined.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / high school musical songs - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [5]

In terms of the word limit I think you could delete the definition from the essay. I'm sure they will get what you are saying if you just said you flipped through the dictionary and looked at the definition. Overall I think the essay was very good and if you happen to be someone who is interested in some kind of political course then this would be very effective as you display an example of using alternative paths to solve problems.

Could you also take a look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Human rights advocate - Stanford Roommate Letter Essay [3]

Big up my fellow Jamaicans! I really liked this essay. The flow was good and at the same time I picked up a great deal of who you are. Very well done.

Could you also look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / growing up with a sibling - stanford supplement letter to roomate [7]

I liked the message you were trying to convey by linking your brother to the personality traits you developed in order to deal with him. I also agree about softening the brother part though. Finally, the last 2 sentences kinda sound a bit off so try rewording them so they fit with the flow of your essay.

Could you also look on my Stanford essays.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement/ Special Olympics/ or just Olympics [2]

You did a good job of elaborating about the activity and gave a nice example. Also, you stated why you developed that love for volunteering. Overall a good essay.

Could you also take a look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements- The "Teacher"; "Debater"; "Collector"; and "Worker" [7]

Essay 1: I thought it was good. However, it felt like you conveyed it in a way that made it seem like the topic you were writing about didn't have much interest to you. As the above post said it felt a bit cliche.

Essay 2: Try to make the 2nd sentence shorter. Are these sentences necessary "I listened to other people's original bill ideas such as a bill to replace the national anthem with Lady Gaga's "Born This Way". In the convention, people were separated by their political affiliation." ?

Essay 3: I liked this essay but I'm not sure how the admissions officer is going to interpret the 4 yrs old part. I guess they don't want someone childish but I guess that's just my view on them. If you feel confident about that part you can keep it.

Essay 4: I think you should stick with this essay. It captures something personal and I get a genuine vibe from this essay.

Could you also look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Comments on MIT short essays? (cultural identity, which department) [6]

Your essay gives insight on what you learned from the experience but I don't think you answered the question. Are you sure this is the most significant challenge you have faced? I think your 2nd attempt at the 100 word essay was a better attempt at answering the question.
Kristoria   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Columbia University Short Essays: Lions, Shakespeare, Writing (Oh My). [3]

Essay1: Loved this essay as you managed to tie in your interests with what you found meaningful about the book.
Essay 2: This essay was very well written. However, I am not familiar with the fields that you are interested in at Columbia so saying that they are good in all your areas of interest may not necessarily separate it from another top school. I liked the reasons you gave in the last paragraph but I feel you need to put in something more specific about the areas you are interested, eg. you heard that Prof. X won the nobel peace prize and you would love to work with him.

Essay 3: Another well written essay. I think you managed to nail this one perfectly.
Kristoria   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / I have achieved many milestones; Accomplishment or event, formal or informal [5]

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. (250-650 words)

I have achieved many milestones throughout my life but only one experience so far has truly propelled me into the realm of adulthood. This process took place over ten months and culminated in a few hours. Being the youngest of three children I always dreamed of having a younger boy in the house to play with and the most likely possibility of that happening was through my sister. However, the years went by until that almost long lost childhood wish came true on October 2, 2012. Onaje came into this world at a point in my life when I was struggling between school work, giving my all in my activities and adjusting to the significant increase in difficulty of the work load upon entering sixth form.

Unfortunately, shortly after his birth, my sister became seriously ill and had to be hospitalized. At that point I was automatically assigned the task of taking care of this innocent child as the older folks in the house struggled to maintain the high levels of energy needed to manage Onaje. My evolution started as I moved from changing diapers to bathing him meticulously to ensure his cleanliness remained intact. Along the way, I picked up some of the tricks of the trade for getting a baby to fall asleep and at times I even tried my hand at singing. These became regular aspects of my daily life that had to be balanced with the increasing work load as my internal exams drew closer. However, help arrived in the form of his father after I had completed my exams in December. From then on I played the role of assistant until he had to leave in August of this year to take up a job opening abroad.

It was at this point near the end of summer that I decided to take a bus to visit my family in rural Jamaica. My sister requested that I take Onaje along with me so as to ease her burden as she had not fully recovered. So, on that rainy afternoon with baby in hand, I climbed the steps of that bus with the eyes of the passengers immediately greeting us. They seemed to assume I was a teenage father. At the start I quickly used my reasoning skills to see that he was drowsy and so I fed him to sleep. However, he woke up an hour later with a burst of energy that could contest with the healthiest of people. For the next three hours of the journey I scrambled to find things to occupy his interest. These ranged from playing with the cup holders to pointing at things flashing pass the window to me making a fool of myself in games of peekaboo for his entertainment. There were times I allowed him to greet some of the passengers and he reasoned with them via his own language.

As we approached our destination something about me felt different. The entire journey was a powerful bonding experience. As I disembarked the bus, with Onaje sleeping on one shoulder and his bag over the other, my cousins greeted me with surprise at how comfortable and experienced I appeared. This entire experience which culminated on that day had taught me a level of responsibility I had never been exposed to before. Even my time management skills improved significantly as I juggled school work and helping out with the baby. Life was not just about working hard and achieving success but also involved caring for your family and those around you. Onaje was a reminder that my determination to succeed primarily comes from the desire to improve my family situation. Therefore, I gained a new sense of maturity. It is my personal belief that this entire experience has equipped me with important skills that will benefit me later in life and can be applied to the rigors of college life.

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