Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Kristoria
Name: Kristoff Graham
Joined: Dec 23, 2013
Last Post: Dec 22, 2014
Threads: 3
Posts: 51  
Likes: 1

Displayed posts: 54 / page 1 of 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Food/ Baking/ Bioengineering; MIT; Central to Identity/Pleasure activity/ Major [8]

I am not sure why you were unsure about the last paragraph. However, seeing as you have words available I would recommend expanding on that last paragraph so that you can alleviate any fears you have over the flow.

I really liked your first MIT essay. You gave a great visual description of the process.
I also liked your second essay. You gave a personal reason coupled with your own interest in biomedical technologies.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement Feedback: Stereotypes and a Black American Female [4]

I think this was a really good essay from personal experience. However, you will have to sacrifice some of those adjectives in order to cut down on the amount of words. Apart from that you will have to decide which sentences aren't as necessary as the others in order to cut down on the words. You could also merge some sentences like the black then female then poor sentences.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / My interview at Connecticut College; Why Connecticut College? [4]

I liked the various reasons you put forward for your desire to attend that school. It shows why you have a particular interest in that school as you point out some of its unique features. However, I feel at times you were repeating the same ideas in different sentences like the 2nd to last sentence. Maybe you could replace that sentence with something else you liked about the school.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / I am still trying to figure out who I am; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [2]

I really liked the essay itself but I never did understand this question. That is why I stayed away from it so I am not sure how the essay relates to the question itself. I feel like the stereotype essay you wrote for Armherst would be a better answer for this essay prompt.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania Supplement - "Why you are a good fit for your school choice" [9]

I noticed a minor mistake. It seems there is a word missing in this line "My fellow delegates during that time had passed a plethora of resolutions expand thorium-based power, reduce space waste, and promote new developments in scientific education." I think you left off the word to. Apart from that well written essay as it was very specific in regards to UPenn and you showed your own personal interests.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Penn jerome fisher program (undergraduate) - entrepreneurship [2]

Very interesting essay. Your life experience shows why you find UPenn to be the right fit for you in terms of its unique program. Very specific. I liked the way in which you wrote your essay and apart from the first reply there weren't many other problems I noticed.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement Feedback: Stereotypes and a Black American Female [4]

No I don't see much else. After reading your 2 essays I noticed that you are really comfortable with using certain words and constructing your sentences. You are somewhat high above the word limit so it may take a bit of work (and pain) to cut it down while still trying to convey the same info to the reader.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Bookstore and café - CommonApp Essay (favorite place prompt) [15]

Could you post the other essay you were referring to. It would make it easier for us to tell you if you should just drop this one seeing as it has mixed reviews. In addition, if you feel the other one conveys a better picture of you then you should go ahead and use it.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Palazzio Vecchio - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [12]

Very good, it passed my initial expectations. I am not entirely sure what corrections could be made here unless you want to add a few creative words into it.
Kristoria   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / My history teacher - Princeton Suppl. "person who has influenced you in a significant way" [3]

In terms of Harvard you could definitely go ahead and use this. However, for Yale it would be better if you edited it a bit so that your essay could have a better fit for the prompt. Essay was good but I would personally recommend steering away from saying America has enough leaders. Maybe something like you intend to stay in America for a while and then take your expertise that you have learnt there and bring it to Mexico.
Kristoria   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / I have achieved many milestones; Accomplishment or event, formal or informal [5]

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. (250-650 words)

I have achieved many milestones throughout my life but only one experience so far has truly propelled me into the realm of adulthood. This process took place over ten months and culminated in a few hours. Being the youngest of three children I always dreamed of having a younger boy in the house to play with and the most likely possibility of that happening was through my sister. However, the years went by until that almost long lost childhood wish came true on October 2, 2012. Onaje came into this world at a point in my life when I was struggling between school work, giving my all in my activities and adjusting to the significant increase in difficulty of the work load upon entering sixth form.

Unfortunately, shortly after his birth, my sister became seriously ill and had to be hospitalized. At that point I was automatically assigned the task of taking care of this innocent child as the older folks in the house struggled to maintain the high levels of energy needed to manage Onaje. My evolution started as I moved from changing diapers to bathing him meticulously to ensure his cleanliness remained intact. Along the way, I picked up some of the tricks of the trade for getting a baby to fall asleep and at times I even tried my hand at singing. These became regular aspects of my daily life that had to be balanced with the increasing work load as my internal exams drew closer. However, help arrived in the form of his father after I had completed my exams in December. From then on I played the role of assistant until he had to leave in August of this year to take up a job opening abroad.

It was at this point near the end of summer that I decided to take a bus to visit my family in rural Jamaica. My sister requested that I take Onaje along with me so as to ease her burden as she had not fully recovered. So, on that rainy afternoon with baby in hand, I climbed the steps of that bus with the eyes of the passengers immediately greeting us. They seemed to assume I was a teenage father. At the start I quickly used my reasoning skills to see that he was drowsy and so I fed him to sleep. However, he woke up an hour later with a burst of energy that could contest with the healthiest of people. For the next three hours of the journey I scrambled to find things to occupy his interest. These ranged from playing with the cup holders to pointing at things flashing pass the window to me making a fool of myself in games of peekaboo for his entertainment. There were times I allowed him to greet some of the passengers and he reasoned with them via his own language.

As we approached our destination something about me felt different. The entire journey was a powerful bonding experience. As I disembarked the bus, with Onaje sleeping on one shoulder and his bag over the other, my cousins greeted me with surprise at how comfortable and experienced I appeared. This entire experience which culminated on that day had taught me a level of responsibility I had never been exposed to before. Even my time management skills improved significantly as I juggled school work and helping out with the baby. Life was not just about working hard and achieving success but also involved caring for your family and those around you. Onaje was a reminder that my determination to succeed primarily comes from the desire to improve my family situation. Therefore, I gained a new sense of maturity. It is my personal belief that this entire experience has equipped me with important skills that will benefit me later in life and can be applied to the rigors of college life.
Kristoria   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Columbia University Short Essays: Lions, Shakespeare, Writing (Oh My). [3]

Essay1: Loved this essay as you managed to tie in your interests with what you found meaningful about the book.
Essay 2: This essay was very well written. However, I am not familiar with the fields that you are interested in at Columbia so saying that they are good in all your areas of interest may not necessarily separate it from another top school. I liked the reasons you gave in the last paragraph but I feel you need to put in something more specific about the areas you are interested, eg. you heard that Prof. X won the nobel peace prize and you would love to work with him.

Essay 3: Another well written essay. I think you managed to nail this one perfectly.
Kristoria   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Comments on MIT short essays? (cultural identity, which department) [6]

Your essay gives insight on what you learned from the experience but I don't think you answered the question. Are you sure this is the most significant challenge you have faced? I think your 2nd attempt at the 100 word essay was a better attempt at answering the question.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements- The "Teacher"; "Debater"; "Collector"; and "Worker" [7]

Essay 1: I thought it was good. However, it felt like you conveyed it in a way that made it seem like the topic you were writing about didn't have much interest to you. As the above post said it felt a bit cliche.

Essay 2: Try to make the 2nd sentence shorter. Are these sentences necessary "I listened to other people's original bill ideas such as a bill to replace the national anthem with Lady Gaga's "Born This Way". In the convention, people were separated by their political affiliation." ?

Essay 3: I liked this essay but I'm not sure how the admissions officer is going to interpret the 4 yrs old part. I guess they don't want someone childish but I guess that's just my view on them. If you feel confident about that part you can keep it.

Essay 4: I think you should stick with this essay. It captures something personal and I get a genuine vibe from this essay.

Could you also look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement/ Special Olympics/ or just Olympics [2]

You did a good job of elaborating about the activity and gave a nice example. Also, you stated why you developed that love for volunteering. Overall a good essay.

Could you also take a look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / growing up with a sibling - stanford supplement letter to roomate [7]

I liked the message you were trying to convey by linking your brother to the personality traits you developed in order to deal with him. I also agree about softening the brother part though. Finally, the last 2 sentences kinda sound a bit off so try rewording them so they fit with the flow of your essay.

Could you also look on my Stanford essays.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Human rights advocate - Stanford Roommate Letter Essay [3]

Big up my fellow Jamaicans! I really liked this essay. The flow was good and at the same time I picked up a great deal of who you are. Very well done.

Could you also look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / high school musical songs - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [5]

In terms of the word limit I think you could delete the definition from the essay. I'm sure they will get what you are saying if you just said you flipped through the dictionary and looked at the definition. Overall I think the essay was very good and if you happen to be someone who is interested in some kind of political course then this would be very effective as you display an example of using alternative paths to solve problems.

Could you also take a look at my Stanford essays?
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'president of my school's Newzpaper, The Flame' Stanford extra curricular Elaboration. [6]

The first sentence is somewhat unnecessary seeing as that in the 2nd sentence you state that you are president. I guess you probably ran out of words and you were trying to state how important a dream it was for you to become president. However, with the essay as it is now cut out the 1st sentence for some words. However, I would recommend taking the advice above about giving an eg of how you tried to keep it alive. That will be hard wit your word prob but maybe you could cut out these words "As a direct result of the cancellation of the 2012 Christmas edition of The Flame" and just say that it has become difficult because club membership declined.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements- The "Teacher"; "Debater"; "Collector"; and "Worker" [7]

OK, I think the first one you wrote had more potential to be a better topic than the 2nd. However, as the essays are now the 2nd one is better at this point in time. I would recommend rewriting the first one to make it more interesting. That is my opinion so wait until you get more comments to get a better idea of what to do.
Kristoria   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I am not exactly sure what matters to me; Stanford [8]

Cut the first 3 sentences and focus on the way your health has been important to you. Possibly, you could state that you don't take things for granted and you are trying to make the most of your life. Try and draw the reader into your story.
Kristoria   
Jan 1, 2014
Undergraduate / Sessions with my Arab friends - Stanford roommate essay [6]

I liked this essay. Probably had something to do with the fact that you knowing a variety of people reminded me of my own essay. Never really saw the self-centered thing come up as I read it so for me it was good.

Do You Need
Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳