Writing Feedback / IELTS: Gentle manners vs Material possessions. [7]

The way I see it, you need to expand more on the end part where you finally begin to discuss your personal opinion on the matter. Although you presented both sides of the issue in earlier statements, you never claimed them to be your own. You need to answer the prompt of the essay by agreeing or disagreeing with the opinion that was presented to you. You need to make a formal stand either agreeing or disagreeing with the statement and giving an extended explanation in support of your opinion. The first two paragraphs make for a good introduction and general discussion on the prompt. You need to strengthen your personal opinion and conclusion in order to make the essay work. Expand the discussion and you will be on the right track.

Writing Feedback / Work and travel for a year? - do not forget to read enough books and improve your knowledge [9]

GaziF, I will be very happy to guide you with your other essays. Just remember that the secret to a well written essay is reviewing and editing. That is how you catch the errors that you made and correct yourself along the way. Don't forget to continue reading English material as well. The more familiar you become with the language's written structure, the more polished your own writing will become :-)

Undergraduate / 'My interests include organic chemistry and biochemistry' - Which department or program at MIT? [5]

I think the essay would be much improved if you mentioned any accomplishments or important tasks that you performed at your job rather than just mentioning that you work there. Also, I think the essay can use a more personal touch by including some reasons for your interest in organic and biochemistry and what early work you did in the field. The reason I am suggesting this is because you mentioned that you love doing this kind of work but you never explained how or why you developed an interest in those particular fields. Also, you should further explain what kind of research you did and what you hoped it would accomplish and what the eventual outcome of the research was. Doing that early on in the essay would most likely create the interesting hook that you need in order to keep the reviewer interested in further considering your application.

Scholarship / 'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter [14]

You should always mention some important personal information such as your academic or civic accomplishments and / or awards that you received in relation to the course you will study or the scholarship you are applying for. The reason is that the letter is the first thing the scholarship committee members will read. If they find it interesting, then they will look at your attached CV. You should create an interesting hook at the start of the letter. Like EF Kevin said, it is important to give them an almost visual image of what they are reading so that they will continue to read your application letter to the very end and in the process, seriously consider you as a candidate for the scholarship. Good lick with your application!

Writing Feedback / Work and travel for a year? - do not forget to read enough books and improve your knowledge [9]


- ... after finishing high school...


- mention a few advantages in general at this point to show the succeeding flow of discussion.


- - you mentioned from studies twice. Remember to review your paragraphs for redundancies


they believe that having a good paying job before attending university will help them save money for their education. (A little problem with the sentence structure)


- useful in ...


- if a student wants to further develop his language skills before enrolling in a foreign university, living abroad for a year prior to enrollment will help the student gain that experience and language training.


- after finishing high school...


- career . (You are getting your words confused at this point. Having a dictionary handy for reference will help you understand word meanings and differences)


I hope my grammar suggestions will help you further improve upon this essay. Like I said before, your work is good. It just needs to be revised to a certain degree in order to make it shine. If you can present a longer discussion of your personal opinion on the topic, then that will also help with the further improvement of the paper.

Good luck :-)

Essays / I'm interested in pursuing my carer as in master in accountancy [6]

Hi munaf 501 :-) In that case you don't need a resume. What you need is a Statement of Purpose for Graduate School. This is the essay paper where you state your reasons for wanting to attend graduate school. You also need to mention what your future plans are and how attending and completing graduate school will be a tremendous help in your achieving your goals and ambitions in your career. I suggest you write a statement of purpose covering the first 5 years of your career. Be it working at an entry level position at an accounting firm, working your way up, and then eventually, starting your own accounting firm yourself. Explain the importance of accounting in the business world from your point of view. If you can use my suggestions as guides in writing your statement of purpose draft, we can start fixing it up from there :-) I hope my suggestions have helped you get on track.

Essays / I'm interested in pursuing my carer as in master in accountancy [6]

Your statement is confusing. Are you pursuing an academic masters degree in accountancy or are you applying for a job in an accounting department? Those are 2 different things and will also result in two different resume's. For a work resume, you need to highlight your work experience and accomplishments in your resume. For an academic application, you will need to create a statement of purpose for your master's degree. Please clarify which of the two you are going to be applying for so that you can be advised properly. Thank you :-)

Undergraduate / Tulane - "Exactly the school I need" - SOP Prompt [3]

You can start off by talking about how you became interested in a particular course earlier in your academic life but then was prevented from further pursuing it due to financial difficulties. Then go into a discussion of their scholarship grants. In particular, discuss the grant that you are interested in and how you feel it can help you achieve your goals in life. Don't forget to talk about their research grants as well, making mention of a particular research prompt that you have been toying with for some time now. After all of that discussion, you can present the reasons as to why you feel you will be a perfect fit not only for Tulane, but for their scholarships as well. Let them know what your plans are for your time as a student and then 5 years after graduation. Explain how you will help promote Tulane as a leading center of learning by becoming an active student leader and advocate for the scholarship programs after you graduate. Those are just some ideas to start you off. I believe you will develop some other ideas for yourself from that point on. I hope these points help :-D Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Work and travel for a year? - do not forget to read enough books and improve your knowledge [9]

Some constructive criticism for you to consider :-) There are tremendous amounts of grammatical errors in this paper that would get it an automatic failing grade if it were submitted to the professor at this point. Please get a dictionary and look up the words that you used because you used the wrong words in certain sentences. Take for example carrier when you obviously meant career. You have very good opinions on the topic being discussed but the lack of proof reading, editing, and grammatical errors overshadow your intelligent discussion. Fix the grammatical errors and the essay will become better :-)

Scholarship / 'how to apply and what to write?' - Self introduction essay for KGSP scholarship [8]

Then tell them what course you plan to take and how the scholarship can help you achieve that. It is important to create a personal connection between the scholarship program and the course you plan to take. They are not just going to give the scholarship to anybody who applies for it. You need to appeal to their sense of responsibility by letting them know that they will be providing you with an education that will eventually serve the greater good. Scholarships are all about giving back either to the foundation that provided the scholarship or giving back to the community. Talk about how you plan to do that with their help. Then mention anything about yourself and your accomplishments that you feel will make your application stand out. Remember, these people read hundreds of applications a day, they need to be hooked in by your first paragraph or you might lose their interest. Create an interesting hook for your application essay so that they will read your application essay to the very end. I hope my advice helps you :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS : intelligent machines replacing human beings : advantages and disadvantages [4]

Pyon9x, you can talk about Henry Ford and how he decided that creating a factory line would make cars more affordable to people. This eventually led to the automation of the car manufacturing industry. It can also be used as an example of how too many intelligent machines doing the jobs of humans can signal the demise of an industry because automated technology makes manufacturing more expensive. I hope my suggestion helps you :-)

Writing Feedback / No one understands you more than yourself, so do not waste too much time trying to be someone else [6]

Well, the TOEFL is more for American studies while the IETLS is for Canadian/British/Australian studies. So it really depends upon whether you are more familiar with the American or British English version of the English language. The exams are both accepted internationally so the choice is actually yours to make. If you still have your old TOEFL reviewers, then consider retaking the TOEFL again. You can see how well you have improved since you last took the test :-) You are right that the essays always ask for solid evidence or specific examples to support your claims. But since you don't have time to do actual research during the test, I would suggest that you read as many English articles, magazines, books, and anything else that can make you more familiar with the British culture, history, and current events. Now, if you are more familiar with American culture, history, and current events, it might be best for you to take the TOEFL again instead.

The topic is not really abstruse.You just need guidance in analyzing the topic, you need to learn to find the key words in the essay prompt. In this essay the key words are "athlete, good, bad, role model, point of view, your own opinion". Find the topic of the prompt and the rest should easily follow :-)

Feel free to ask your questions, I'll do my best to answer them and guide you :-)

Writing Feedback / No one understands you more than yourself, so do not waste too much time trying to be someone else [6]

jackthomas, I suggest that you do a Google search for professional athlete scandals that you can use as reference for the bad role model part. Any professional athlete caught using performance enhancing drugs before, during, or after a competition that gave them an edge over the other athletes is a sample of a bad role model. Any professional athlete caught in a domestic violence situation is also a good example of a bad athlete. Then for the good example, look at the athletes who had to overcome adversity to get to the top of their game. Those who rose from poverty, had disabilities, or were thought to never be able to compete by others and succeeded in their quest to compete and win are good role models. Any professional athletes who do charity work are also good role models. There are many examples of good and bad role model athletes. Just go a Google search for it. As for the thank you button, I think you can click on the Like button / icon for that. That is the closest to a thank you button that I found on the page :-)

The writing is not totally abstract. As you develop your writing skills through practice essay tests, your writing will become more solid, cohesive, and expressive. The key is to understand the prompt and know how to answer it with confidence in a written form. You will get there. Essay writing is a skill that is not achieved overnight. It takes lots of practice. Just keep writing and you will improve with every essay you write :-)

I took the TOEFL in the past, which is a sister exam of the IELTS so I would be very happy to assist you with developing your essay writing skills :-) In fact, I look forward to it ;-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : intelligent machines replacing human beings : advantages and disadvantages [4]

Your introduction and thesis statement in the first paragraph it too short. I suggest that you present an overview of the ideas as to what the perceived advantage and disadvantage of using machines in place of human beings could be. You can then introduce your thesis statement. For the second paragraph, do not start off by saying" on the one hand". Instead, open the discussion with a history of machine automation and the reasons that man thought it would be more efficient and useful to develop machines and gadgets that can take over for humans. Mention difficult tasks that could also be life threatening for man, thus proving that using intelligent machines have an important use in the labor industry. For the third paragraph, do not assume information. Be sure. Be positive that the machines cause the unemployment rate to go up. Give definite reasons with supporting evidence for the disadvantages such as the lack of job opportunities, downsizing of the workforce, etc. Finally expand your discussion about why you believe that replacing humans with machines is advantageous by mentioning more tasks that a limited by the ability of man but can be programmed into machines to do.

You have a very good start to the essay. It just needs polishing and more discussion points. I believe this is your first draft and you will have to write at least 2 more before you come to your final version. Keep up the good work :-)

Writing Feedback / No one understands you more than yourself, so do not waste too much time trying to be someone else [6]

Although this is a solid essay, it deviates from the prompt provided as it does not really discuss the methods by which athletes are good and bad role models for the youth. YOu could start off your essay by mentioning the negative or the reasons that athletes sometimes do not make good role models, mention the use of steroids, cheating, and other documented reasons by citing sources of the information. Name some athletes to have a negative impact on sports to drive your point home even further. Then go ahead and discuss the positive effects of athletes on the youth. Use the same formula as I previously mentioned only concentrate on the positive and the names of well known athletes who have brought positive attention to their sports and achievements. Then conclude the essay with your own opinion on the topic. It does not matter if you agree or disagree, there are no right answers with this type of essay. I hope my comments help you out :-) Good luck!

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]

The scholarship letter is very weak in content. You should always mention the name of the scholarship and how you embody its mission and objectives. It is important that you also appeal to the scholarship committee by telling them why you feel you deserve to be a recipient of their scholarship. Mentioning what your plans are for the future or where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years and how the scholarship can help you achieve that will also be a nice touch. More importantly, you need to mention how you will help to promote the scholarship itself after graduation or during your studies. Any exceptional achievements that you have reached in the past that can relate to the course you want to study and the scholarship will also be a valuable piece of information for the scholarship committee to consider.

Undergraduate / My goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people - success definition [5]

Strikeouts mean to delete and the red words are the replacements:


- can be defined in various ways ...


- on each person's views


- children of the same...


- My family is a strong support system that I can count on


about a place


- our motorbike (since you were with her at the time)


- I saw a very


- The people ignored them .


- One time


- ignored


- I asked (be careful of your tense usage)


- a little money


- I felt ...


- survive


- to give them a home


- weekends (You re talking of more than one weekend here. Be careful of the plural forms)


- pursue


- forget it


- we go ( tenses problem again)


- at my local...


-- we went to the pagoda


- campaigns (plural form again)


- so pink that it just happens...


- goal has obsessed me


- and I am looking forward to doing it as an adult.


- This is the motivation that I use for my studies and career choices.


- I will do my best to make my dream come true by following the academic and career path that will make it a reality.

I hope you don't mind that I improved upon some of your sentences to make it more artistic and flow better. This is a very heartwarming essay :-) I hope my review helps you.

Writing Feedback / 'we should restore the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level' - GRE essay [4]

Cancellation is singular form. Since you are talking about more than one advertisement being cancelled, it goes into plural form. The plural form of cancellation is cancellations. That is why I had to add the letter S at the end. To make it plural form. You have to be very careful with your plural and singular forms because it can create unintentional grammar errors in essays like in the case of cancellation and cancellations. I hope that helps :-)

Graduate / 22 years in the pursuit of my dreams - evaluate my SOP for Grad school [3]

I have thoroughly enjoyed this journey of 22 years in the pursuit of my dreams. Life has taught me that an intense desire complemented by perseverance, hard work and courage are the key factors in accomplishing ambitions. Transforming theories into realities is what drives me, as an engineer. I have found my love for the field of Process Design, Control and Optimization.



bachelor of sciences major


- I also learned


- I began exploring the field of nano technology in 2011.


Add to the beginning: I was quite surprised and elated when my findings...


- I also lost a
few...


- I also handled improvement projects and also conducted safety audits.


- completed course in linear...

The strikeouts mean to delete the word and the rewrite in red is the word that should replace it. I would also like to suggest that you add a portion at the end about what contributions you can make to the advancement of certain graduate programs. Perhaps any potential studies or experiments that you wish to conduct in the future should also be discussed to show how deep your interest runs and highlight your potential to bring more attention to the graduate school as a premier learning institution. Overall, this is great work :-)

Undergraduate / Senator Mark Kirk - Why do you want to join a Service Academy? (Nomination) [7]

I agree with everything EF Kevin said. I would also like to add some thoughts on the matter. I believe that the focal point of your essay should be the life shaping experience dealing with your father that led to your interest in the naval academy. Perhaps talk about your father's patriotism and how that transferred to you. Working up towards an interest in the naval forces and your realization that the best way you can serve your country as a way of giving back is to serve in the navy. The reason being that you can serve your country and work towards pursuing your other naval related interests as well. William Faulkner is totally misplaced in the essay and the quote you used to open the essay is what is preventing a more personal and in - depth discussion of the reasons why you want to join the naval academy. Try to rewrite the essay without the Faulkner quote and see if it works / flows much better that way :-)

Undergraduate / Lucked out of the gaokao ; UW Madison Admisson Essay [5]

One way you could improve it is by concentrating on the fact that you do not need to take any qualifying exams. Compare the educational system between China and the U.S. in such a manner that you can discuss how your cousin might have told you about the exams they have to take and what it is for. Which made you realize how lucky you are to be a student in the U.S. That way, you can clearly show how you came to realize that you have taken your education for granted all this time because U.S. education is somewhat easier than the Chinese way of education.

Writing Feedback / 'we should restore the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level' - GRE essay [4]

Some grammatical errors in there that you have to correct:


- more timeto ...


- consider other reasons ...



- cancellations in advertising


- reasons behind these cancellations ...


- other solutions


- old ones


- showing sports programs...


- viewers


- advertisers


- strengthened


- solutions


- the argument could be further strengthened if the author defines vague terms as well as provides...

The strikeout means to delete and the red fonts are the correct ones that should replace the deleted words. I hope this helps. It is really a well thought out and analytical essay. Good luck with it :-)

Undergraduate / "Tall Dreams, Short Arms" - QUESTBRIDGE Bio Essay [6]

A bit of advice, drop the comparison to Napoleon Bonaparte as it does not help move your essay along and is disconnected from the latter part of the paper wherein you discussing bullying. Instead, focus on the bullying, connect it to your physically short stature and then further discuss the obstacles and complications you had to overcome due to your physical shortcoming. The portion where you discussed bullying was very effective. Don't discuss your brother or his illness at all. The admissions committee is not interested in that. Work on further developing the portions of the essay that describe how your short stature and the bullying helped you become a better person in life.

The essay itself is based upon a good and current theme. Save for the few disconnections due to the inclusion of Napoleon and your brother, it has the potential to become a very well written essay. Please take my advice as constructive criticism. Good luck :-)

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

If you want a book or printed version of the thesaurus, I can recommend Merriam and Webster. Just make sure to ask for the updated one, the latest version so that you can get the updated words listing. It is a big help when you are learning to write essays because it almost totally eliminates redundancy in the sentences since you can use different words with the same meaning to express yourself .

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

You are welcome. Also, if you don't mind, I'd like to correct your spelling. It is DEAR as in "My DEAR Mrs. Jones" and not DEER as in "Bambi is a DEER" :-) I am not sure if it has an online app but the one that I commonly use is an online thesaurus. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to post links on the forum so I cannot directly recommend one to you. I believe Google will help you find an app for the thesaurus. I know that it can be accessed on mobile and tablet devices. I am not so sure about the android though.

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

Perspective and view mean the same thing. It should have said "In my point of view" to be more grammatically correct. If you want to use perspective in the sentence then it is alright to do so. Sometimes the English grammar uses different words that mean the same thing. Such as in the case of perspective and view. If you have a thesaurus handy, you will find that you can say words with the same meaning in about 5 different ways :-)

Book Reports / Issues to find the truth of a young boy's guilt or innocence - Twelve Angry Men: Text response essay [3]

In my opinion, you did a very good job of answering the essay prompt. You not only presented evidence to show the extent of your agreement with the statement using quotes and other information from the book, but you also mentioned the American judicial system as the basis of the goings on in the book. The best part was that you were also able to show the extent of your disagreement with the statement towards the end because you presented evidence to the contrary. So overall, I see this as a solid essay that can be submitted for grading to your professor / teacher.By the way, remember to cite the page numbers so that the teacher will know which part of the book the quotes came from so she will have a point of reference while reading and grading the essay. It is standard essay practice to include citations in text when writing an essay that used reference material :-)

Undergraduate / I gave my hand to a helpless man - Common App Belief essay [5]

The overall theme of the essay is more of a transition to adulthood since you decided to help somebody that no one else would even though you were just a teenager. So it would be best for you to change the essay prompt to "accomplishment or event essay that marked my transition from childhood to adulthood. Your story and actions depicted that event more than you challenging an existing idea or belief. It is a very well thought out essay and tells a very touching story. You should be proud of your work. I look forward to reviewing your succeeding drafts and eventually your final version. Keep it up ! :-D

Undergraduate / The World of Harry Potter is the world I came from - MIT essay [2]

You totally missed the point of the prompt. It has nothing to do with fictional worlds and what you hope to achieve in college. Rather, the prompt is asking you to take a part of your life, for example, being a member of the swimming club or the school newspaper and then using that environment to describe yourself. The idea is to explain how you learned something like say, the importance of responsibility while working at a part time job in order to explain how that world helped you to develop your dreams, ambitions and aspirations in life.

For example, I would say that :

I grew up in a family of lawyers. Having parents who are both lawyers, my first words were "Not Guilty!" instead of "mama" or dada". When I was old enough to be taken to work, my parents took turns taking me to their respective law firms. The world of law was not only the world of my parents, because of my constant exposure to it, it became increasingly a part of my own world too. That is how I developed an interest in law. During summer months in high school, I worked part time for my parents and attended some court dates with them, further increasing my interest and taking me deeper into the law experience...

Then I would go on to say more about the world I grew up in from there. I hope that I gave you a clear idea of how the essay should actually go. I suggest a complete revision of your paper so that it will follow the prompt more closely. Good luck :-)

Undergraduate / "Order of the Arrow" - Common App Essay: WHAT PLACE ARE YOU MOST CONTENT? [5]

I realize that you were going for that effect. However, the essay requires a first person narrative. Not a passive voice. It is asking about an active experience. I know that it is not easy to write a standard five paragraph essay and believe me, you were not emotionless. The essay was actually good. Except that it was written in the wrong voice. The experience comes from a personal background. But the way you told it, you were telling us how the camp felt. Not how you felt. So there was a disconnection between how you were expressing the experience and the essay prompt. It is that disconnection that we need to fix to make the essay even better. Good luck :-)

Undergraduate / "Order of the Arrow" - Common App Essay: WHAT PLACE ARE YOU MOST CONTENT? [5]

I found out that you were speaking as the voice of the camp itself. That does not answer the essay prompt at all. You need to speak in first person about your experience at the camp and why you feel so content being there and what made it unique to be at the camp. Revise the whole paper to describe your experience. Do not speak as the voice of the camp. The camp has nothing to do with the prompt. You are the student, it is your unique experience being asked about. Although relating the story from the point of view of the camp is a nice touch, it fails to deliver the message about you, your experience at the camp, and why that experience made you feel content.

Maybe you can talk about the first day you arrived at the camp. What was the magic that you felt there that day? What kind of electricity enveloped you and the place? That was the day that should have been the most unique for you and perhaps also the day that made you feel the most content since it was your first day there and you did not know anybody yet. How did you come to feel welcomed and at home at the camp? Those are the bits and pieces of information that will best answer the prompt.

I suggest you write another version using the guides I provided you then compare it with your first work. I believe you will find a marked improvement with regards to answering the essay prompt. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Lucked out of the gaokao ; UW Madison Admisson Essay [5]


You left the description of the location hanging. Include a description or the names of the mountains that hem in the small town in China. What is the name of the small town? You need to give a detailed description that includes the name of the town. The first paragraph is too short for an introduction.


- This should be worked into the first paragraph as part of the description mentioned earlier.


- It was on that hot summer day...

The title should also be changed from "Lucked Ou"t to Locked Out because you were prevented from getting to the school. Luck had nothing to do with it.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Modern technology has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways. [5]

I would give it a 7 due to the numerous grammatical errors. The essence of the writing is quite clear though. The topic is thought out and developed. But there is definitely room for more discussion and improvement. I would suggest that you use document editing tools that can help you detect grammatical errors while offering corrections or advice on how to correct the mistakes. Don't forget to keep reading materials in the English language as that will help you develop sentence structures and punctuation usage skills. The key word here is practice. You can never get enough practice in the days leading up to your exam day. Good luck and don't lose heart :-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Modern technology has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways. [5]

I marked my corrections in bold letters. The strike out means to delete them and replace. The corrections I caught are as follows:
1. It is technological advances, not technology advances.
2. It is "the effect of technology" not the affect of technology.
3. Add a period at the end of last sentence in the first paragraph.
4. Say "our lives have been improved by many gadgets" instead of "with many gadgets".
5. The invention of the mobile phone
6. ... as much as working .It is less...
7.. highly productive systems not highly productive system
8. as we have had emails...
9. Many old traditionally, cultural
10. New video games hashave
11. despite the drawbacks
12. art masterpieceshashave
13. restoratedrestored

I hope these corrections help. Let me know if you need any points clarified for you. I'll be happy to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

While I agree that you need more exposure to the English language by reading books and such, I would have to say that the essay you wrote was good enough for starters. Great writers are created over practice and time. You have the ability to make yourself understood using the written word. But, if you take the time to re-read and re-write this essay, you will find that you can make further improvements on your own. Try rewriting the essay 4 times and you will see what I mean. You will figure out which parts you want to remove, improve, or expand upon. Then at the end, you will have an essay that you will be very satisfied with and your professor will be happy to read at well. Remember, practice makes perfect so don't give up on trying to improve this paper.

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

You are thoroughly off tangent with your response. The prompt asked you "to what degree do you agree with the statement". It was not asking for your opinion on the topic. It was asking you to agree with what was said to a certain degree. Instead, you gave a personal opinion on the matter. Revise the essay to stay on topic. Do not deviate from discussing only the essay prompt. Otherwise, your essay will not be answering the prompt and will fail the test.

Don't get too stressed out with the review. Just relax and take it easy. Study other IELTS essays that are freely available on the internet so that you can get a sense of how to best answer essay prompts like the one you posted. By studying the way the others before you answered their essays, you will be able to develop your writing style and possibly pick up some pointers along the way. Good luck and keep practicing :-)

Writing Feedback / 'there will be more equipment and we will be dependent on them' - conveniences vs development [2]

You did an excellent job on this essay. You created valid points by using real life examples and made sure that it always related to your previous discussion. It has provided a discussion that requires one to think of the validity of your argument and in the end, accept that all the points you made were quite acceptable and thus valid. I am sure you will get a good mark on this paper. It is really a very good piece of writing. Keep up the good work !

Undergraduate / Here, in the movie theater is where I feel the most satisfaction, the most joy, the most comfort [8]

First highlight the section you want to edit. Then use the menu that can be found at the top of the editing box when you type a message to mark the changes that you want to make.

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

There are a number of them that can be found via internet search. Just type essay writing assistance in Google and a number of them should turn up for you to consider.

Writing Feedback / 'I'm really keen on cook since I was a little girl' - Describe a hobby [3]

The premise of your essay is interesting. But you need a very good hook to interest the reader. For example, you can explain how cooking became a hobby for you because one time you were alone in the house and you did not have any food to eat but there was uncooked food in the fridge. You can say something about how you enjoyed the experience and then started cooking a lot more because it was a relaxing hobby or something like that. The hook at the start of the first paragraph is what will set the tone for the rest of the essay. Over all though, this was a good draft. There is still room for a lot of improvement. Keep up the good work :-)