Graduate / 'inadvertent road' - Graduate admission essay for Master in Speech Language Pathology. [7]


- some evidence to prove this statement on your part will be quite helpful. It does not need to be very long but you need to mention something to prove that you have the passion to help people.


- You cannot apply to graduate school and tell the admissions office that you were never certain of the path you were going to take. This line alone will get this application thrown into the trash. Instead, portray yourself as always having known that this is the path you would end up in. Explain that you came to know about the SLP program while still in college and decided that it was the logical next step for you and why.


- This paragraph is a nice touch. In the portion where you mention some personal techniques, I suggest that you mention at least one of these techniques in order to show that you have the potential to become a future leader in this field, which will make a graduate degree even more important for you to have.

Your closing statement was just to short, bland, and non-informative. I am suggesting that you revise this statement using the comments that you have been provided with and see if there is a notable difference from the first to the second version. I know that there is a 300 word limit. But that is just a test of your thought coherence. As you revise the essay, you will find a way to say what you need to say using a few words as possible. Let's work on getting your message across to the admissions officer first and then work on cleaning up the grammar errors.

My best wishes to you as you revise the paper. That is, if you choose to do so :)

Undergraduate / "The city that makes me a human" - Common App Essay 2015 [4]

Dubai can actually be of help to you in responding to the prompt of this essay. Talk about how you grew up in Dubai and have been heavily influenced by the culture and traditions that are uniquely Dubai. The idea here is to present yourself as the embodiment of the city and its human representation to the world. Discuss certain beliefs, customs, traditions, or something similar that only occurs in Dubai. Then explain that you believe those traits as you imbibed them from the living city and its resident, makes you special. Mention how without these traits, you would just be another person in the world, instead of a unique individual who looks towards the future, just like the city that you love the most. I believe that once you accomplish these tasks, you will have presented the admissions officer with a unique and engaging essay that describes a story that is central to your identity :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]


- This sentence is too long.I also think there is a better way of saying this. Let me try to edit it for you: ... specializing in this field and doing further research in it. I am confident of contributing,,, I can become one of the leading experts in this field.


- Upon further review, I believe that the sentence lacks some punch. Try to add some information about why you are interested in working at the agency in the future. That should help give the paragraph more focus.


- I believe you could better say this sentence this way: my long term goal of becoming a noted innovator in the field of.. .


- by contributing original ideas...

Sorry about the additional edits. This is how you build a competent essay. You review, edit, and change the content a number of times until you are personally confident that the paper is the best it can be :-) I hope you don't get irritated at having to do extra work ;-)

Undergraduate / "From East to West" - Common App event/experience Essay [5]


- I believe that sentence is the key to using your moving experience to discuss your accomplishment, event, or transition to adulthood. You were a 7th grader when you moved. So that made you about 12 or 13 years in age right? So why not use the move to illustrate an accomplishment within the family? You said so yourself, you were spoiled, timid, and somewhat bratty at that age. Use those character traits of yours to exemplify how you impressed your parents by being the exact opposite once you had resigned yourself to the move? Portray yourself as cooperative, helpful, and accepting of your parents decision. Now, you can expand upon that by saying that this move marked an accomplishment on your part because you learned that you were not really helpless at all, you just needed a reason to become a part of the team. It also helped you to transition in the eyes of your parents from being a young brat, to becoming a responsible teenager whose parents were impressed by the fact that you got over your self-centered attitude in order to help accomplish a task that was not a whim, but a necessity for your family. Make up some information about how you changed as a person once the move was completed and that you were surprised by the sense of maturity and responsibility that you began to openly display. This kind of essay will show the admissions officers a side of you that will not be revealed in personal statements or personal interviews. It is this aspect of your personality that the essay wants you to reveal.

Undergraduate / Hair, style and Fashion Merchandising - MY FIT ESSAY [3]


-... when I began studying fashion of all kinds in order to cover up what I saw as my physical imperfections.


- was my favorite...


- canc er


- this new course you are about to study is only to enhance and widen your current career capacity.


-... hard work, I graduated.Ready

I am not sure what the prompt is for this essay but I like what I have read in its totality. Aside from these few grammatical errors that I pointed out, you have written a very solid and competent essay. It would help in the further review of your essay though if you could provide the prompt so that I can see if the essay totally fits into it or if there is a need for you to add, delete, or revise any portion. But I hope these early comments help you out somehow :-)

Undergraduate / 'excellent links in the fastest growing industry' - Motivation Letter Aarhus University [2]

First of all, what was the prompt that you were given for this essay? It is necessary for you to provide the prompt so that a guideline will exist as reference for the content of your essay that will be reviewed.


- Do not use generalized comments like these to open an essay. Jump immediately to the second paragraph instead.


- I have come to the conclusion that my combined life experiences has led me to the path of Tourism and Hospitality as a career choice.


-... both as a staff member and in customer...


- ... took the initiative...


... a bigger project with the main.. communication barriers .


- ... meetings , ...


-... to the origin.


- That sentence did not help the paragraph to move forward. No new information was introduced.


- ... motivated student , I dedicated my time to the studies...


- . and pass on the ...


- work with a team.


- All of those experiences helped me to gain an early understanding of the tourism and hospitality field. I learned the importance of being able to assist strangers with their needs as they reside or visit a foreign country.


- by twice awarding me the Best...


- expand upon this comment in relation to the tourism industry.


- ... to form my desire ...


- ... because of my academic and interpersonal skills coupled with my vast work experience.

Sometimes cleaning up an essay is just a matter of correcting grammar and punctuation errors. Enhancing certain sentences also helps to drive your point home. I hope that the corrections and suggestions I made will help you do that for your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Type of temper and advantages of individual work as best arguments in favor of studying alone [8]

I like the way that you wrote this essay even with its grammar problems. You understood that the prompt asked you to address the whole essay in a first person pronoun (I me, mine, my). So you response and supporting reasons were very much on target. But like i said, there were a few grammatical errors that, when fixed, can help enhance your response. Here is what I found with the advice for correction included:


- ... nature of a person helps to determine whether he would work best with a group or as an individual.


- by nature an introvert,



- ... on a presentation with ...I separated from the group.. and prepared... half the work myself... acquainted with strangers.


- Working with a group meant very little work was getting done because of group disagreements. By working alone, I boosted my productivity. That was my nature and that was how I worked best.


- Working alone...


- are not an integral...



- situations such as time shortage ...


- participant in a


- rival's



- It is therefore my opinion that my aforementioned personal reasons strengthen my argument about the larger benefits of working and studying as an individual as opposed to a team.

I hope my comments and suggestions help you out :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]


- ... part of this agency. I believe that working in a position within the agency walls will provide me with ...
- Just a slight correction there. I would also suggest that rather just delivering that simple statement, you try to enhance it with your visions of how you will be able to develop and independent research career there. Are there any notable persons there that you look forward to working with? Tell who they are and why you look forward to crossing paths with them. What legacy do you hope to leave with the agency when you move on to your independent career? You need to let them know that you intend to creating a lasting impression at the agency should they eventually allow you to work there.


- This then becomes your closing statement.

See if these changes work better in your opinion :-)

Graduate / 'My interest in Energy' - statement of purpose; University of Texas, Austin [5]

- Don't lecture the admissions officers on a topic that they are already more than familiar with. Find another way to introduce your passion for the course you are applying for.


- This could be a very good introductory statement.


- I developed an interest in Petroleum Engineering through my studies in Thermodynamics where I in turn, learned about the...


- You are lecturing the screening officer again. Bad idea.


- You have a tendency to lecture your reader, you have to avoid coming across as a know it all in the eyes of the admissions reviewer.

- While courses in Kinetics (continue the list of courses) helped me learn...


- This is a strong statement. Don't weaken it by assuming you might not get in.


Overall just a few corrections and revisions are necessary to further strengthen you already strong statement of purpose. I look forward to reading your 2nd draft :-)

Writing Feedback / ielts: private citizens, businesses and governments play equally roles in protecting the environment [2]

First and foremost, you must lengthen your introductory statement. It is too short and does not totally inform the reader about the prompt and what you plan to discuss in the succeeding paragraphs. Remember to give an overview of your opinion and what evidence you will be presenting to justify your statement.

Here are some of my suggestions to further improve the content of your essay:


- This sentence can be improved by saying: It is widely believed that the government is tasked with the duty of protecting the environment. This is because the public is not as aware as the government of the environmental problems that affect our society.


- ... the government... system of ... influence, and regulate the actions of the business and individuals in a country in relation to their carbon footprint and environmental impact.

- at this point, you can insert a statement saying that while that is true, public corporations, due to the nature of their business, are also aware of their environmental responsibilities. Give some samples to illustrate.


- by the governments , corporations, and private citizens...


- Don't deviate from the original prompt. Stick to local and national government participation only.


- This statement does not help the paragraph progress. Every sentence must contain either additional information or evidence to support your claim.



- Humans ...


- These days...


- Nature is threatened by ...



- ... the government, private citizens. and businesses cannot refuse to protect and rebuild an environment that they destroyed.


- ... the full support and cooperation of the government, private citizens, and businesses.

I hope that my comments and suggestions will be able to help you further enhance the content of your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / "Transportation in Surabaya - my hometown" - essay for replacement test of IALF [3]

It is hard to review your paper without knowing what the prompt is. Kindly provide the prompt so that I can better understand the requirements of the paper. However, even without the prompt, I can see that the paper needs major help in the grammar department due to numerous grammatical errors. Then there is the problem of thought coherence within the paragraphs. The sentences are too short to be considered paragraphs. A paragraph needs at least 3- 5 sentences minimum in order to discuss an idea. You need to lengthen your paragraphs and develop the ideas that you present more. Of course if there is a word count limit on the paper, that will totally change the way I will review the paper. I suggest that you provide the prompt before I provide more comments on your paper so that I will be able to address the requirements of the prompt in reference to your essay. Thanks :-)

Writing Feedback / All kinds of medical health expenditures should be borne by the government; do you agree or not . [6]

I'm more than happy to do that for you. Let me get started with ;


- It is a well knownfact that the government...


- Currently, there is an ongoing debate as to whether the government should take full responsibility for paying the medical health expenses of its citizens.


-There are many strong reasons to support this public sentiment.

- The reasons people usually want the government to support their health expenses boils down to poverty, a limited income ,andlack of insurance


- Avoid using sentences that do not help inform the reader. This sentence also deviates from the essay prompt as this refers to disease research.

- In the rural areas, medical services can only be provided by the government due to small population counts that do not entice big medical companies to come in and build hospitals. Government intervention in that area will also prevent the private health clinics from gouging their patients in terms of charges.

- Though there are benefits to having a wholly subsidized healthcare system, I believe that having the government shoulder all the medical expenses for the public also has its drawbacks. First of all, the public will no longer feel responsible for their health or leading a healthy lifestyle because they don't have medical expenses to worry about.


-Patients may also suffer from misdiagnosis more often because of the full healthcare subsidy because the doctors will want to just keep charging the patient for as long as the patient has an existing medical subsidy allowance. This would deplete government funding and cause a literal health care crisis for the citizens of the country.

-That is why I believe that having the government shoulder all health expenses for the public will only bring negative results. The health of the public is an individual responsibility. Therefore, each person must be responsible for his or her own healthcare. The Government should only subsidize a portion of healthcare using public taxes. Totally shouldering the expenses only in special cases such as indigent patients and aged people.

I hope you won't mind that I rewrote, deleted, and edited your sentences. I did that just to show you how you could made a stronger statement using certain sentence structures and keywords. I hope that my advice can help you out :-)

Scholarship / 'how to apply and what to write?' - Self introduction essay for KGSP scholarship [8]

Hi Leigh, Let me see if I can help you out here.


- My decision to study ... at XYZ University... stemmed from the results of my research into the Korean universities that best represent the country's academic... across many educational institutions.

- I see a conflict of interests here. You should not mention that you have applied to more than one university in any statement that you write. These universities do not care about that. More likely, the admissions officer will regard your application as a nuisance application instead.


- Which school are you talking about?


- Do you have any clinical or research results to add to this paragraph that will prove your claim?


- I am looking forward to learning from the Korean leaders in the field and I am also excited about developing an exemplary academic career during my stay in Korea.


- Don't make promises you cannot keep. The admissions officer is not interested in student promises. All this sentence does is present you in a negative light because you are saying you used to do that but won't anymore.


- and networking...
- Aside from that one word deletion and spelling correction, this is a strong sentence that shows how you plan to represent yourself as a student at the university.


- ... pursue my dream and use ...

While there are still portions of this essay that can be developed to a great extent, you did very well in delivering the idea of what you want to say in your essay. Just remember as you revise this paper that you are trying to sell yourself as an excellent candidate for the university and should therefore play up all of your strengths and avoid mentioning (potential) weaknesses. Good luck with your revision. I know the next version will be even better :-)

Writing Feedback / "leader is like the captain in a boat"; what is the most important qualities of a person who guides? [2]

Please allow me to offer some advice before I grade your essay :-)

- You can strengthen this introduction by mentioning some notable and historic leader names. For example, I would say : Thatcher,Kennedy, Churchill, Truman, Macarthur. These are last names that immediately call one image into mind, leadership. Throughout history people like them were the ones who led the world from times of war and strife to times of progress and development. These are some of the notable historical names that embody the best leadership qualities to be found in people.

- Instead of immediately launching into a statement, I think you would do well to first introduce the topic of the paragraph. For instance, you could say: Aside from the bravery and courage displayed by the aforementioned people, a true leader must be first and foremost, trustworthy.

- A trustworthy leader is loyal to the people of his country and beholden in political and economic favors to no one.
- A leader must clarify situations and never betray his people who have trusted him to lead them... 1920's, an era when the United States was looking for a solid and trustworthy leader to guide the country out of a financial mess.

- His strong and clear handling of the situation proved that he was a true leader who was an expert in sound governance.


- A leader must be faithful. He must be a person with a conscience that will help him be strong in the face of corruption. Corruption can destroy nations through civil war caused by economic problems and a rise in terrorism when the governance of a nation is weak.


- A leader...

- A charismatic leader knows how to turn any leadership disadvantage into an advantage. They know how to turn enemies into fragile friends or silent opponents. George Washington and John F. Kennedy are examples of successful charismatic leaders who helped bring peace to their nation and built the image of their nation as a strong leader in the international community.


- Winston Churchill went to his hometown of ... after a school was bombarded to deliver a speech... .. remain strong, optimistic, and never give up...


-unless he has the trust of his crew and passengers, has faith in himself and the people around him, and is strong willed and charismatic enough to get his ship the help it needs to get to shore.

Overall, this is an essay that successfully answers the prompt. Although there are grammatical and punctuation errors, those mistakes do not diminish from the thoughts and sentiments that you provided. Even though some of your sentences were confusing, the essence of your message was there. Therefore, out of a total score of 12, if I were the examiner, I would give this essay a 10.

I hope you don't mind the suggestions and changes I made to your sentences and paragraphs. I meant those to serve as your guide in revising and further strengthening this essay :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: What can be done to discourage people from using their cars? [3]

The reasons that you present within the paper are quite common knowledge. So there is no surprise there. I agree that the topic is quite common and has been discussed to death over the past years in all forms of communication. However, that did not reduce the importance of your observations and suggestions. I was specially impressed with your suggestion that the politicians use alternative forms of transportation in order to serve as examples to their constituents regarding the matter of discouraging people from using cars. Some points of grammatical advice though:



- ... public transportation .


- commuters about the environmental impact of continued car use.


- ... public transport companies should be encouraged to develop cheaper methods of transportation that will result in a faster,yet cheaper method of commuting


- Educational systems should teach...


- It is obvious... discouraging people from using cars is...

See if the essay will flow better for you with these suggestions. There is still room to develop discussion points in all the paragraphs but I am not sure if you are limited by a word count so let me just say that the points presented were quite well thought out but in need of further development and supporting evidence.

Undergraduate / 'My experience as a summer diving coach' - US Naval Academy Personal Statement [2]

Let's see what we can do here. I might be able to find a place for the touchy-feely comments for you :-)


- ... was sparked... Redmond after whom I am named.


- My mother provided me with information about him and what I learned changed my life.
- You can add some dramatic elements here about the story of your uncle. Highlight one characteristic he had as an officer that left the strongest impression on you based on your mother's story.


- You can opt to keep this full portion as a new paragraph but adding how this story influenced you in the end to become a part of the Navy.


- This is a good statement. But what do you plan to offer the navy after they educate you about all things nuclear? You should mention something about that. Put a little dramatic element into your desire to give back to the navy.


- This should be a separately developed paragraph.


- Do you have any accomplishments in this field that the navy can benefit from? How does this make you an excellent candidate for navy school? One dramatic element to highlight your diving skill can be used here.


- This should be obvious throughout your statement.


- Connect this to your paragraph about diving for the navy.

Your story at the end of the statement about Lily is good. But it needs more dramatic elements to help highlight your integrity as a person. Perhaps say something about the older kids in the class begging you to let them have fun like Lily, promising no one would get hurt, etc. But you stood by the rules and...

I hope that my suggestions help you out.Good luck with your application :-)

Essays / Assignment to write a practice college "describe myself" essay - I need help starting out [3]

As additional input, I would like to advice you to look at the freely available samples of personal statements online. By reading the work of other students, you will be able to develop an idea of what your basic personal statement should be like. This will also help you develop a personal writing style. Additionally, you will gain some insight into the essay prompts used by various universities for their personal statement requirements. It would be a good idea for you to start writing about yourself using the samples that you read. That way you at least have a starting point for your practice papers and can get a clear idea of how you want to finally present yourself on paper when your time to apply for college comes :-)

Undergraduate / Virginia Tech: Stepping on Hokie Soil [7]


- the university for me .


- ... I noticed that the student body...



- to help them unwindafter a long day of classes .

Aside from a few grammatical concerns, this new essay is quite good. But I don't understand, don't you need to state 5 reasons you want to become a Hokie? Did that change? You only spoke of the student body, extra curricular activities, and academics this time. You still need 2 reasons right? Or did I miss something? Regardless, this essay is much stronger than your previous one. I am sure that you have time to develop more versions, you come upon the perfect one for you :-)

Graduate / 'My interest in Energy' - statement of purpose; University of Texas, Austin [5]

SkyrexA, I found just a few errors that we can correct to add strength to the paper. I hope you won't mind having to edit again.



- extinct systems...


- In order to attain reasonably higher energy conversion efficiency .

- That was an excellent introduction :-)


- with developing the skill set...


- ... to produce the most ...


- my fascination with the conversion of raw...


- was discussed as a major concern for science and therefore solving it is a prime objective.

Aside from the few adjustments that I am suggesting, your overall paper is quite strong and informative about your desire to enter college and your future career plans. If I were to consider this a practice essay, I would give it 12 out of 12 :-) As far as I am concerned, this is definitely the paper you should submit for your application :-)

Undergraduate / '40 question paper' - describe an incident which led you to challenge yourself [8]

Well then, you did pretty well within 100 words. Although, there are a number of grammatical errors that affected the overall essence of the paper, you managed to let the reader know that you understood the prompt and provided a statement that, although cluttered, answered the requirements posed. The way you grammatically present yourself will improve over time and with regular practice. The incident that you chose was good in the sense that it showed a desire for you to learn and that lack of knowledge is something that you cannot accept. Hence, that will make you a very good and studious student in the future. Overall, it was a good first try. You should try to revise your answer. Now that you have written a first draft, you can try a second draft and see what improvements you were able to make using our previous comments on the first draft :-) I am sure you will notice the difference between the two.

Undergraduate / How to introduce yourself in your school or classroom. (Short Intro) [3]

As far as I am concerned, this is a very good introduction. While it contains a lot of grammatical errors that need to be corrected, you were successful in introducing yourself, a little about your family, and yourself. But I suggest that you remove the portion where you emphasize that you made the decision to major in your course. You sound almost angry in that portion. As if you had to fight for your choice of course. If there was any conflict between you and your family about your choice of major, I would suggest you leave it out of your introduction. Instead, concentrate on building up your positive points as a student and a classmate. Be friendly and open in your introduction. Remember, you will be working with these people the whole semester, so you should open yourself up to them by introducing your positive traits like being a team player, friendly, reliable, trustworthy, etc. Those are points that you can help you build a good working and academic relationship with your classmates and professor :-)

Undergraduate / Evaluate ethical dilemma you have faced & its impact to you - questbridge nat'l college match [7]

You have a major problem in this essay in the sense that this is not a major ethical dilemma that you had to overcome. The issue of the LGBT debate about gay marriage did not involve you directly nor affect you in any way. Therefore, you totally missed the point of the essay prompt. You need to write about an issue that direct affects you. Some topics you can discuss include any form of racial discrimination or intolerance that you may have experienced in your country. Or perhaps the issue about religious intolerance outside of your country that you might have experienced when you traveled overseas. Right now, the essay needs to be totally overhauled to respond to the prompt.

I will commend you on your grasp of the English language though. It is near a native speaker level but somehow you seem to have a problem analyzing the requirement of the prompt. Which came as a total surprise to me. Overall, this was an engaging and informative essay. But you need to discuss an ethical dilemma that directly impacted your life. A school test is not enough of an ethical dilemma. You need something heavier to impress the readers and examiners.

Here's hoping my comments help. I am truly looking forward to your next version of this essay :-)

Writing Feedback / [GRE] ARGUE, changing radio station - memorandum from the manager of WWAC [3]

This is an excellent essay. You were able to convincingly present reasons for the radio station to reconsider its reformatting and also offered some food for thought regarding the pros and cons of the format change. There are some negligible grammatical errors that I need to point out in order to clean up the essay though.



-... the size of the newly...


- ... to focus attention on the growing population of retirees ...


- This is a redundancy since you already mentioned considering the population size earlier in the statement.



- as to what portion of their population ...


- listen to the radio



- on the radio


- prices of music...


- changes in the rate of people...


- the format of the radio station .


- Finally ,


- a chance of breaking into...


- ... listen to news before a solid, final decision about the change in radio station format is made.
I really hope that my suggestions can help you further improve your essay. It is a very well written piece of work that you should be proud of :-)

Undergraduate / By being a part of the Madison community I have the best chance to make a difference [3]

It is obvious that you have taken great pains to write this personal statement. You have successfully represented yourself based upon the supplied prompts and allowed the admissions officer a peek into who you are as a person, as a student, and a future engineer. There are just a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed in order to polish the paper further.



- It has been my dream to pursue my college degree at UW Madison because of my goal to...


- ... my career in...


- ... working with a team...


- By becoming a part of... I will have the best...

I hope that you find my review and suggestions helpful in the finishing of your essay :-) Good luck with your application!

Graduate / The Challenge: Why do you want to be a Physician Assistant? [4]

I have read your statement and I have to commend you for being able to transmit your vocation for physician care. It is a pretty solid essay but it needs some cleaning up. I have provided you with some suggestions on how to do that.

- Your answer does not answer the question directly. You need to speak of the challenge that you are looking forward to overcoming as a PA in the future. Your current answer does not provide any information about challenges.

- This should definitely be your opening statement. It connects directly to your challenge answer :-)

- This paragraph could use an introduction before presenting the story that influenced your decision to look into deeper into another health care career opportunity. Connect it to your experience with the death of your grandparents if you can. This will show that you have a deep vocation or a calling for patient care.

- You could rephrase this statement by explaining how you have seen medicine change over time. The seeming lack of interest in the actual care of the patient beyond charting vitals and doctors paying a visit once or twice a day is something that is eliminated in PA's. That is because the PA has a small practice and combines the best of being a doctor and a nurse. It is the new heart of medical care. Or something to that effect :-)

- I suggest that you totally eliminate this paragraph and close using my suggested statement instead. I believe that it will make your paper much stronger :-)

I hope that you consider my suggestions constructively and it finds its way into your next essay draft :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should we ban combat sports which depend on violence for their entertainment [4]

The presentation of the reasons behind your support of the ban on violent sports is a bit confusing. I believe that most of the essence of your sentiments gets lost in translation. So let me help you clean up the essay :-)


-... pressuresof modern life...


- combat sports should not exist in...


- reasonsI will present in...

- Let me try to rephrase this for you :In a civilized society, ancient and barbaric sports should not be tolerated because violent sports such as boxing and wrestling are allowed to violate the laws of the land banning violent acts upon one another. Even if seen in terms of sports, these acts often cause life threatening injuries or death since these are extreme contact sports.

-Combat sports have been said to have health and security benefits for individuals. In a properly controlled environment, where the violent sport is played under strict supervision and without the intent to hurt one another, people can gain health benefits from the contact sport as a form of exercise. Men and women can also learn the contact sport to help protect themselves when they find themselves in dangerous situations.

- Since you are talking about these violent sports as having no place in modern society, you should not mention any benefits for the government. Rather, you should point out the rise in public violence due to these contact sports.

- There is no denying that violent sports have its benefits and drawbacks for a civilized society. Given the dangers of the violent sports to those participating in them for entertainment purposes, it is important that these sports be banned as a form of entertainment and only be allowed as a form of sport in a controlled environment.

Here's hoping that my suggestions help to further improve your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Pollution and damage of environment are resulted from a country developing. [6]


- I am not sure what you are trying to say here. This is a very confusing sentence. Are you trying to tell us that in a non-globalized country, the environment is changed by the improving economy of the country?


- Again, this sentence does not make sense as an introduction or connecting statement.


- This sentence does not make any sense. All the sentences are disconnected and does not clearly display your thoughts or sentiments on the matter. You need to rewrite this.


- This paragraph tries to present evidence to support the prompt in a very bad and incoherent way.

Please consider writing a totally new essay after having done research and collecting information that will help you present your ideas and factual data in a more understandable way. At this point, the essay still needs a lot of work and does make sense to the reader. I am confident that you can do this rewrite quite well provided you research the material needed to make this a solid and informative essay. I look forward to reading the revised version :-)

Graduate / 'My interest in Energy' - statement of purpose; University of Texas, Austin [5]


- I believe the sentence sounds better this way.
Aside from that one editing note, your essay looks good to go. It is concise and delivers your desire to study at the university, what you hope to achieve during your academic career, and your future plans in a manner that shows a clear educational and career path for you. Good luck with your application :-)

Graduate / I hear-I forget. I do-I learn : evaluate SOP for graduate admission [3]


- This is not a very strong introduction for your statement of purpose. Your introduction should show an early build up of your interest in computers leading up to your college degree, culminating in an interest to attend graduate school. The content of this sentence should be the last part of your introductory statement

Since my boyhood days I was allured by object called a computer. Being pathologically curious, I tried to know as much as possible about it and down the line I got more and more interested in making of it. The scientific and technological advancements in the field of Electronics, aiding human progress fascinated me a lot. This affected my interests profoundly and decided that one day I would pursue a career in electronics.

- I developed an interest in computers early in my childhood... I tried tolearn ... .. and continued to delve deeper into the history of computers and what the world of computer technology had to offer... Electronics aidingin human progress...profoundly, which is why I decided that I would...

- This should become your introductory paragraph instead since it shows the progress of your interest in computers and electronics.


- I knew that I would have to work hard academically in order to gain acceptance into Birla Institute of Technological Science - Pilani.[/quote]
-... provided me with an opportunity... I came to understand the industry and the role...
- ... Laboratory underthe Defence... It was during this period that my interest
- These paragraphs should be merged into one because it speaks of your additional, non academic training experience. However, this should later in the statement. After you have discussed your academically involved training.

- Your essay has become too long because you included all of your training experience in great detail. You should choose only 2 or 3 of the most important ones and present them in the paper. Talking too much about all of your experience makes for tiresome reading. Remember, the Admissions Officer has more than a hundred SOPs to read in a day.


- This should be above your previous paragraph about non academic related training. This portion directly discusses what you learned as a student should be highlighted.


- Can you make this paragraph tighter? Use only the best experience from those you presented in order to cut down on your essay content. The rest of these information should be seen in great detail in your C.V. instead. The SOP is just an overview of the C.V.


- ... in the stimulating and challenging academic environment of your school.


Right now it seems that your essay is suffering from too much information. You should whittle it down to 500 words maximum. Highlighting only your best assets, accomplishments, and characteristics as a student. I hope that you can revise the essay to make it more concise and therefore, interesting to read :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Pollution and damage of environment are resulted from a country developing. [6]

For more factual information and data that you can present in your essay, you can use the readily available information at the ILO Encyclopaedia of Occupational Health and Safety under the topic "Developing Countries and Pollution". You can also use the Stanford University report on "Mexico's Air: A Synopsis on Pollution" which was originally written by Brent Duke for the university under the title "Development, Pollution and the Environment in Developing Countries". You can find these well written academic essays using a simple Google search. Use the title's that I provided for the search and these should easily turn up. I will advice you to read both essays very well and note their important findings for use in your own paper. Since this is an IELTS paper, you will not need to cite sources but instead, make their statements of fact your own. Say the same information in an original way. The way you would say it. Using correct and accurate information always helps to make a paper not only interesting to read, but also builds up the writer as an intelligent person who has something worthwhile to say. You can achieve that by emulating other authors while you are still practicing.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task II : Vegetarianism vs meat-containing diets. [4]

Before I launch into the grammatical errors contained in your essay, I have to tell you that the essay itself lacks any solid information that can help to support your own stance in support of vegetarianism. A quick Google search would have shown you a number of vegetarianism health benefits. I also would like to point out that you should have had a better discussion of the supporting and non supporting discussion. The reasons that you do have within your essay are all poorly developed and could use a lot more supporting information to give your argument some weight. Both pro and con sides should have been discussed more thoroughly. Is there a word count limit on the paper? If there is, then there is a way you can work around it to still deliver a solid essay.

Now for the grammatical corrections that I hope will help you out in the revision of your paper :-)



- People can...



- monotonous diets.


- Revise this sentence. What is more practical? What stand are you making in this introduction? You should make it very clear to the reader as your thesis statement at the end of the introductory paragraph.


- Rephrase this : Many people consider vegetarianism a harmful trend for a variety of reasons.


- People claim that...
- Why are you making this claim? Present supporting evidence.


- This should be a separate paragraph in disagreement with vegetarianism. Present facts to support this claim.


- What does this statement have to do with your argument? Are you saying meat containing diets are better?


- In what way? Always present supporting information when making a claim otherwise you are making an unsupported claim that will not strengthen the statement presented.


- You totally missed the requirement of the prompt. You need to pick a stand either for or against the argument presented and then argue your stand.

Basically, you need to go back and revise this essay because right now, this essay cannot be submitted for a grade. You need to fix it and I hope the suggestions that I made will help you do that. I am looking forward to reading the improved 2nd draft :-)

Writing Feedback / Issue Essay Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields [7]

- You should build upon this story as the most compelling reason in support of your argument. You specifically mention that your teacher helped you make the decision to take computer science. How did she or he do that? What kind of guidance did you receive that dissuaded you from taking journalism or economics? This will be a very solid example of how teachers can slowly dissuade a student from taking an interest in a course he is not suited for.

The above portion of your essay is actually the best discussion within the whole essay that delivers the essence of the prompt. I believe that you should rewrite the whole essay, using the aforementioned paragraph as your opening statement and then building your succeeding paragraphs around it. That way you can develop a cohesive and concise paper that discusses the prompt based on the strongest evidence possible, your personal experience.

If you like my suggestion and revise your essay, we can review the content of the new one and work on the grammar issues then :-) Good luck!

Graduate / Albert Einstein's and Sir Henry Royce's quotations enlightens cogently the scenario based on reality [3]


- While these 2 quotes are good references for your opening statement, I believe that you will do best to stick to only one quote to use within your essay. The more compelling quotation in relation to your chosen course is Einstein's so I suggest you go with that.It best connects to the reasons that you wish to become an engineer in my opinion.

- I believe that you should revise this paper to directly connect to your purpose for higher academic learning. Rather than talking about what you have accomplished in the past as much as you do in this current essay, you should talk about how your past experience directly connects to your plans for enhancing the world of construction engineering in the future. The admissions officer wants to know what your purpose is for higher study. He is not too interested in your past accomplishments unless you can connect it to your future visions of your career in construction engineering. Maybe you have a dream project you want to develop in the future, or perhaps there is a mentor at the university you are looking forward to working with. Mention those things. Those statements are what gives a sense of purpose to your application.

- There are actually sentence structure and grammar problems in your essay but I chose not to edit it for now because I believe that this draft is a work in progress. You have plenty of room to revise the paper and make it more direct to the point for the admissions officer so that he can immediately get an idea of what your purpose is for enrolling in their university. I hope my comments help you in the revision of your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / Experiences make people prepared for the future problems - valuable lessons [6]

Here is an example of how I would answer this prompt for the TOEFL test:

It is said that experience is the best teacher. Maybe because life lessons are learned as we continue to live our day to day life. We may not know it but every activity we engage in on a daily basis teaches us an indirect lesson that we remember and store in our memory for future use. We deal with problems and crises on a daily basis and we use our past experiences to deal with the problem at present.

Take for example the issue of managing our finances as adults. As children, we receive an allowance from our parents and we are tasked to manage that money on a weekly basis. Making it suffice for all our needs, whims, and caprices. As we get older, we learn that the money we receive from our parents no longer suffices for our needs. We learn how to work at part time jobs in order to make extra income. Which we then add to the allowance that we receive. We then learn the value of money and how it is an important necessity in our everyday life. As adults, we start to work in order to help us survive because our parents no longer financially support us. The experience we had in managing our allowance, working part-time, and properly spending the money we have helps us to manage our finances as adults.

Our experience with money as children and teenagers helped prepare us to handle our future finances and spending problems as adults. That is one of the most valuable lessons that we learned from our previous experience in handling money. And guess what? We never knew that we were learning a lesson that we could use in our future life.

--
I hope that my answer to the essay helps to give you an idea of how to approach answering a TOEFL essay. You need to be able to properly answer the prompt provided within 30 minutes. So it is not about the length of the essay, it is about the content, the essence of your statement. That is what will be graded because your answer shows your capacity to understand the English language and how well you can express yourself in the English language :-)

Writing Feedback / Which is a more powerful force of social change: Power of patience? [3]

Hi, well that's just it. Religion is a very explosive thing to discuss as every religion has a specific version of the story. The reason why I thought that discussing a more modern story is because not everyone these days are raised in a religious setting so they may not be familiar with the story. However, everyone is familiar with current events and such events do not cause major religious discussions. It is alright if you want to keep the David and Goliath story. Mine was only a suggestion. You don't have to change it if you don't want to :-) No problem.

Writing Feedback / "My Father" - Teachers day [4]

It is difficult to provide you with feedback regarding your statement because you did not include the essay prompt. Kindly provide that so that comments can be made regarding the content of the paper. In the meantime, here are some grammatical corrections for you to consider:


- Is your father dead? You need to clarify that point. Why is he no longer with your family?
- ... his blessings ...


- He is watching from afar and can see our progress and happiness.


- ... whatever I am today is because...


- He was a great man of principle and dignity.


- He was my first mentor and he taught me that it was very important to be a good person.


- Make someone smile, be polite, friendly, and treat people well. Regardless of who they are or their position in life.

I rememberhe always gave us best in our life .

- I remember how he always gave us the best in life .


- He never stopped supporting us and always stood by our side, giving us the freedom to make decisions in our lives.

I hope my corrections help you in some way :-)

Undergraduate / Evaluate ethical dilemma you have faced & its impact to you - questbridge nat'l college match [7]

Hi! I was wondering what the prompt is for this essay? I can't really give accurate feedback until I know what the prompt is. What I can do for you however, is provide you with a preliminary review of the content and grammar used in the essay. I hope that will do for now?

The essay itself provides an interesting sneak peek into your high school life and your experience with bullying. What you presented is a scenario that could happen to any student on any given day in any school across the world. I am most specially impressed with the way that you presented how you dealt with the situation and the fact that you managed to use what transpired as an inspiration for you to do better academically. This is a well thought out essay that you should be proud to present to anybody to read. After a few grammar corrections that is.

Now for the corrections which, I assure you, does not diminish the important message that your essay provides about how to successfully handle bullying and overcome this negative experience in your life.


- I stared at the wrapped box... it had a piece of paper stuck to it upon which I had written "To Jane".
- ... from the school?


- Class was out for the day . Some of my classmates were playing Dakon... I asked if I could join them ..


- ostracized me because of my sinusitis... which made my nose drip regularly ... was cured at the beginning...
-Try not to use slang English terms when writing formal essays Snot = mucus / nose drippings.


- ... what she thought of me...


- ... throw her new notebook into the trash bin...


- It swept away every ounce of courage and dignity that I used to have.


- vicious cycle of...


- I retreated from society .


- The more I retreated ,


- ... the day when Jane...


- ... because of all the mistreatment and rejection I received.


- But it was worth it .


- succeeded
- Watch out for your tenses. This essay is being told in the past tense.


- ... better from then on .


- I am a first ranker...


- risks

I hope you won't mind my suggestions for cleaning up the sentences and paragraphs. This is really a very solid essay. You should be proud of the way that you wrote this :-)

Undergraduate / The Dirt Mound - Common App Essay [2]

Hello,

You have certainly acquitted yourself quite well with this essay. You showed a clear understanding of the prompt and also delivered concrete reasons behind your choice of location. Your contentment and lessons learned at the flying field are certainly evident throughout the essay. The information you provided certainly helped to draw a narrative about the kind of person you are. Patient, inquisitive, and with a "never give up" attitude that will serve you well during your college years. The essay is long enough and does not suffer from redundancy or lack of passion. It is imaginative and highly vivid in its use of words and emotional descriptions. It is an essay that will make for interesting reading for an admissions officer. Be proud of your work. The whole month that it took you to write this definitely paid off :-)

Graduate / Do artistic endeavours enhance our understanding of reality or provide escape from reality? [4]


- You can skip this paragraph totally and jump to the next paragraph as your introduction. This comment does not contain any provide any information about your stance on the essay prompt. Unless this is supposed to be the title for the essay and you included it in your post?

While you wrote a solid essay that explains many of the artistic accomplishments over time, you failed to provide your own point of view for the essay. You did not explain why you believe that artistic endeavors "enhance our understanding of reality or provide escape from reality?". While you mentioned good and critical descriptions of the art works and literary accomplishments, you lacked a personal insight into the matter that the essay was asking for.

You needed to indicate something solid to represent your opinion on the matter a statement such as "Art imitates life. That is the reason why paintings and various artistic endeavors enhance our understanding of reality." Or, " The art of comedy allows people to see the lighter side of a serious situation, that is why it provides a person with an escape from reality". You could build further upon those two comments in order to represent your solid idea on the question being asked.

I suggest that you revise your paper to include your personal opinion on the matter in order to successfully answer the essay prompt. While you provided good information about the literary and artistic greats of the past era, it does not carry any weight unless you present your opinion on the matter using those samples.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Children are rather free from most of regulations and obligations in this society [5]

While you did present good reasons to support your argument, you forgot to present the other side of the situation. The situation that dictates that although a child is free from obligation in society, a child is still expected to learn lessons from those around him. This is done when his mistakes, are corrected or when he is given a lecture in order to improve his attitude whenever necessary. While the obligation of a child is to enjoy his life, his age also dictates what regulations and obligations are slowly being expected of him in society. For example, a 6 year old child is already expected to be able to do simple household chores. You can also explain that children, although free from social responsibility for a long time, are given a very important task when they reach a certain age, He is given the responsibility of going to school and getting good grades while following the rules and obligations of a student.Society expects that of children more than any other regulations and obligations. So a child is only free of regulations and obligations in society to a certain degree.

Remember, in order to present an effective defense in your essay, you need to present both the pro and con side of the discussion. Or in this case, the side that sees the child as free from obligation, and the other side that sees children as having a totally different set of responsibilities in our society. I would suggest that you adjust your essay to reflect that as well before making your concluding statement :-)