Undergraduate / 'Experience of performing French drama' - I don't know how to start and if my topic is right [2]

You certainly chose an interesting topic for your essay. It is possible to discuss anything you want since the prompt calls for you to:


Performing French drama can definitely fall under this category if you were enrolled in a drama class and French language classes. That way you can use 2 of your personal experiences to explain how the performance helped to shape your dreams and aspirations. But first, ask yourself this, are you applying to acting school? If you are, then go ahead and use that as the subject of the essay. If not, perhaps it would be better if you can use another part of your world that has some sort of connection to the course you are applying for admission to. Another question to consider is; are you clear about what your dreams and aspirations are for the future? What personal experience or personal event happened to you in the past that helped you reach that point? Once you answer those guide questions, you will be able to develop the topic and content of your essay in an almost effortless manner :-)

Undergraduate / "My journey from dark to light" - an accomplishment or event [6]

Your essay is quite long and becomes tedious to read. I edited it for you and shortened it so that it would concentrate only on the essay prompt. I hope that you won't mind the revisions and changes that I made. These are only suggestions for you to follow. The final choice of what to keep or delete is up to you :-) Remember, the first rule of writing an essay response is to KISS it. - Keep It Short Silly :-) Too many words may make it flowery and nice, but does not necessarily add to the content and essence of the paper. That is what i hope to have shown you with the changes I made :-)


- Innate means something inborn so you used the word in the wrong context
- ... felt like I was in the middle...inside my heart said that ...

- My hunger for science, specially physics began early in ... I spent the early years of my life immersed in the world of sciences and physics, living and breathing from moment to moment. .. I designed a mechanical system that perfectly distributed irrigation water within our land. I tried to propose the use of my mechanical arm to the other farmers but did not succeed in getting it financed due to my lack of scientific experience. I believe that this period in my life paved my way towards loftier dreams and projects. While still far from realizing those dreams due to the drawbacks of a half-illiterate society, I found myself losing hope and letting of my dreams. I failed academically in English because I focused on trying to hold on to my dreams related to physics.

- As I slowly succumbed to darkness in other aspects of my life, an avenue of hope and enlightenment came my way. I learned about the U.S. universities and how they welcome students from all over the world. I was impressed by the pioneering research programs the universities had in the world of science. I had finally found the world where I knew I belonged and longed to be accepted in. Finally, I would be able to get my life back on track. I began applying to U.S. universities and waited for the results with great anticipation. But then I began to realize that my disregard towards my English classes just might hold me back from achieving my dreams in the U.S. All because I considered it an optional language and therefore unimportant. Now that I am faced with the challenge of improving my English skills within one year, I have resolved to work hard at accomplish that task. I had enough time to do that. Learning the correct use of the English language would help me fulfill my dreams and achieve my goals. After completing my personal challenge, I am not surer than ever that I am ready for the academic challenges of American universities.

- I had to work and study at the same time in order to earn the money to take the English exams in the capital. I challenged myself to do this because I knew that my future depended upon it. I struggled to find the perfect job that would allow me to study and work in a flawless manner. Little did I know that my epiphanies held the key towards my finding the light in my life. Both the good and bad experiences, the dark and the light, combined to help me reach a level of maturity that i would not have achieved had I not fallen by the wayside. Now, I am more hardworking and responsible than ever. Eager to prove to the world and my family that I am no longer the troubled teen they thought would end up wasted. I now have the ability to prove to them that anybody can come back from the dark side of their lives.

Scholarship / "Journey to Become a Salad Lover" - QuestBridge Essay [7]


- ... except maybe an orange...
- You can actually skip this part and use the 2nd paragraph as your opening statement. Don't waste your word count on wordy introductions.
- This is a good opening statement. You perfectly summed up your point of view about what your idea of a college community would be like.


- old fashioned pair of...
- Good way of serving up an implied answer to the prompt. It makes me want to read more about you.

- Onmy first day... than the ones in Vietnam... Overall ...
- Interesting way of sharing how you have skills that can help to improve racial relations within the campus community :-)


- What else can I say except, this is a flawless conclusion to an almost grammatically flawless essay :-)

In answer to your questions:
1. Yes, you answered the prompt very well. Make no mistake about it. This is a well written response essay.
2.I definitely enjoyed reading it and getting to know more about you in the process.
3. Note the comments I made after the quotes. That should help. But overall, it is a very smooth essay with an excellent use of transition words.

4. Note the strikeouts I made. That should help reduce the word count immensely. I would suggest though, that you review the content of your essay and try to discover for yourself which sentences or paragraphs you feel comfortable shortening or deleting. That way you can fix the flow of the essay right after the editing work.

5. Note the mistakes via strikeouts and the corrections I noted beneath the paragraph.

Scholarship / "Journey to Become a Salad Lover" - QuestBridge Essay [7]

If you can find a way to insert a comment in the introduction about how you seem to have an easy time adjusting to new communities and how, just like a salad, you manage to blend well with others and find a middle ground that you can all bond over, that should help you show rather than tell. Your introduction is good. But somehow the comment about meat does not blend with the rest of the essay. Meat is hard to pair, but you are more of a salad, able to blend with other people in order to deliver an interesting personality and new taste to the community. Do you think you can develop a paragraph along those lines? I think it will work great with the rest of the essay :-) Remember, it is just a suggestion, the option to use it is yours ;-)

Scholarship / "Journey to Become a Salad Lover" - QuestBridge Essay [7]

Then I suggest that you make reference towards the end of your essay about the meat and salad reference you made in the beginning. While you did effectively mention the salad in the needed essence, you can still build it up. Refer to your growth as a person and your interacting with others in such a manner that depicts how you learned to accept salad as a part of a healthy meal (community) and how meat (you) can actually learn to blend well with the flavors that the salad gives out. That way you present an interesting comparison of your growth and development as a person and how it relates to your future college community life. I believe that would make an excellent closing statement for your paper :-)

Undergraduate / 'strange and uncommon story' - Should I write about my unique situations for the common app essay? [3]

While this makes for a very interesting topic for the common app 1, I believe that your narration concentrates too much on the story of your parents rather than how their actions affected you during your growing years. So, my suggestion is this: use your parents story as the foundation for your essay but tell it in such a way that you become the focal point or subject of the story. You can use the following as guide questions:

1. How did the drug abuse and drug induced actions of your father affect your relationship with him?
2. How did the entrance of the abusive boyfriend affect you directly? Any trauma or hatred towards your mom because of what happened?
3. How did you feel about the emergence of your step siblings? How did other children affect your relationship with your parents?
4. How did the craziness of your life help you to develop focus and a goal in life?
5. Would you say that the craziness in your life taught you life lessons that you normally would not have learned?

Like I said, once the essay becomes all about you, the craziness that you are telling us about will make more sense :-) I hope my suggestions help you develop your essay :-)

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

I have a few comments and suggestions that can help to further improve your essay. I listed it below.


-... manufacture of crafts ...

- That is the main reason that I am interested in pursuing an Aeronautical Engineering Masters degree after having completed my Bachelor's degree in Aeronautical Engineering 5 years ago at the Aleppo University of Mechanical Engineering.

- There is no need to state the obvious. You are applying for acceptance into the masters program by completing the essay requirement.

- Here is another way to format this statement: My aim is to become a competent computational engineer who is qualified to work for international aeronautical engineering companies. Since Germany is known as the country at the forefront of aeronautical developments, it makes perfect sense for me to pursue my masters degree in the country that has universities best equipped to handle my masters training.

- State these in essay form rather than numerical.

- I suggest you turn this into a full statement instead by saying: "Having enumerated my reasons for choosing to study in Germany, I want to now explain the reasons why I am applying for acceptance to your university." Then you can further develop the reasons that you stated in relation to your excitement about learning from the best aeronautical minds in the world.


- You need to stop using subheadings for your essay. This is supposed to be a flowing statement of your motivation for studying in Germany. The headings cut the flow of the content and abruptly interrupts the reader.

I suggest that you do another rewrite that takes my comments and advice into consideration. Then compare the 2 versions and see which version appeals to you and seems to suit your needs best. We will continue to work with you until you perfect the paper :-)

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]


- You added information to your previous essay that is not relevant to the reasons behind your choice to study in Germany. Your family needs is not important to the admissions committee of the university. I suggest you delete this paragraph.


- I am looking forward to the time in my education ,or perhaps my future employment in Germany, when I will be able to participate in the...


- This statement does not say anything to help your application. Avoid general statements that are irrelevant to the topic.


- through the DAAD course finder. I was impressed by the practical course curriculum and coursework... Studying at your multicultural university will enable me to ...


- With such exemplary academic performances and scores...



- Masters studies at your university[..]
.[/quote]
- Again, the officer is not interested in your employment plans. You should only be speaking of work experience gains in this paragraph stemming from your training and experience earned during the course of your education.


- You need to further develop this statement by indicating at least a 5 year career plan related to your stay in Germany after graduation

Writing Feedback / Eating at home is far better than to dine in a restaurants - IELTS writing task 2 [5]

There are numerous grammatical and sentence structure errors in this essay. While you present some valid points of discussion, you left most of them under developed and therefore lacking in information with which a reader can make an informed decision after reading your essay. It is important that you develop all points of your discussion in order to create supporting evidence for your position on the topic. I would suggest that you try to develop the pro and con sides equally in order to present an informative discussion.


- Rather than using this statement as a conclusion, I suggest that you develop this earlier in the essay because this is a debatable issue that can actually be the whole basis of your essay. This alone can be developed into an excellent pro and con discussion for your paper prior to your delivering your personal opinion :-)

Undergraduate / "quantification" - best descriptor for my desire to attend the Naval Academy [2]

It is interesting to note that while you did write an interesting personal statement, you did not totally answer either prompts. You mentioned a very significant personal experience about playing baseball but were not able to related the event to how you developed an interest in the naval academy. That is what the prompt is asking you to answer. The answer to that would be something like "My dad worked in the Navy and so I grew up a navy brat, the navy was the only world I know and I never want to leave it. Hence my interest in the naval academy..." For the second prompt, You should further develop your statement about having tried out for the academy previously and getting rejected. Your statement about NROTC shows your desire to pursue naval career and should impress the admisison officer a bit. So I would really advise you to revise your paper to more closely answer the prompts. The keywords are indicated within the prompt and you have represented the answers in your draft. You just need to further develop it in the proper context.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - There are many parents that invest more and more money to prosper their children [2]

You presented a good but somewhat unclear discussion about the topic so I tried to clean it up for you and show you how it could be properly discussed in another way. I did my best to retain the essence of your original essay. I hope the editing that I did serves as a guide for your future essays or the improvement of this one :-)

- ]It is my opinion that the modern educational system has become so complex that parents feel the need to involve themselves, to the point of obsession, with their child's education.

-Your original statement makes a claim that is hard to prove since it is based on tuition fees and assignments. Reworded, you have more room to present evident to support your personal opinion.

From an economic standpoint, parents pay more money than usual for their child's early education in order to ensure their acceptance into Ivy League universities. Thinking more of the education of their child as an investment rather than mode of development for the child, they push their children to pursue courses that the child may or may not be interested in as payback for money spent on their early education. They believe that by micromanaging their children's education, they will ensure a bright and stable financial future for them.

- These days, even the homework given to students tend to be beyond the capabilities of a normal student, leaning more towards a professional level. This leads the parents to do the homework for the child. Should the child not get a very good grade on the assignment, the parent then feels insulted and slighted on a personal level for themselves. So even though parents are totally involved in the academic life of the child, it seems to be more to prove that they can accomplish things for their children instead of them wanting to see children accomplish things for themselves.


- It is for those reasons that I firmly believe that parents are involved to the point of obsession in their children's academic lives. They will see their children succeed even if they have to do the work for them.

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]


- Perhaps air crafts would be a better term to use here since we are discussing aeronautical engineering?

- After some research, Germany turned out to be the best option for my studies since it offers the best economic advantage to families and students such as myself and my family. Not only does the country present a conducive atmosphere for a growing family, but it also offers an academic and employment advantage to people of specific expertise such as myself. I am already looking forward to the day when I will be qualified enough to work for the German Aerospace Center (DLR)


- I guess I can offer you the following as guide questions:
1. Do you plan to live in Germany after you complete your masters program?
2. Are you hoping to be employed in Germany after graduation? If yes, do you have any particular companies in mind where you wish to work?

3. How will working at those companies help you develop yourself in your craft?
4. What possible innovations and technological advancements do you hope to develop with the help of other German aeronautical engineers?
5. Do you think you can accomplish these goals within 5 years of your masters completion? If so, then you have your 5 year (or more) career plan :-)

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

It is good that you have specific answers to the 5 guide questions that I provided to you. Now comes the editing part that you have to do in your motivational letter. You need to take all of the information that you provided as answers to the guide questions and write it in essay form. You can place this paragraph at the end of your existing motivational letter so that it can serve as your closing statement. Then you can read the letter again, this time in its new format and then judge if you think the motivational letter is already perfect for you. If you feel it is, come back here so that we can help you to further polish it and get it ready for submission :-)

Writing Feedback / We are bombarded with news every day, ranging from the frivolous to the catastrophic - serious issue [3]

Okay, I can understand that you were very angry after learning how Japan refused to apologize to Japanese women. I can understand that you feel that "comfort women" should be an issue of human rights. But why is this issue specifically important to you? How does this issue affect in any way, shape, or form? What I am trying to say is, the "comfort women" issue seems to be an issue that is fast becoming an international concern, but how does that answer the essay prompt? You gave answers as to how you participated in activities that fight for the rights of "comfort women" and yet there is still something missing in your essay.You speak of what you did to help promote their cause. But why did you have to do that? What is your main objective? The essay definitely has room for improvement in its current form. If I may, I would like to make a suggestion.

Rather than this general discussion of how you became involved in the cause, why not discuss why the issue is important to you in a more personal sense? You could discuss this issue as a transitional moment in your life. Which is why it became an important issue to you. Talk about the way learning more and more about this issue had brought you to a higher level of understanding the little known historical aftermath of the war. Then transition the discussion into a reflection of how this cause has helped you mature as a person. Explain how the issue has helped shape your character and outlook in life. That way you can effectively answer the prompt "explain why a specific issue is important to you."

I believe that you can still develop this discussion with the proper guide questions and suggestions. I can only hope that my above suggestions and comments will be able to help you :-)

Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [12]

When you say your world view was shaped by your school, you are talking about the school community itself. While it can contain an academic aspect, that should not be the focal point of your essay. Your discussion should concentrate more on how the alumni community and your relationship with your classmates helped to shape your world view. Talking about the competition among peers and how that helped to shape you is a good addition to the essay but does not help to explain how the competition among friends widened your understanding of the world. The essay is not about your development as a person. It is about the development of your world views. Right now, your answers center only upon the scientific world and that is not an accurate measurement of a person's view of the world.

I would like to suggest that you try something when you revise this paper. Ask yourself first, "How do I view the world beyond science and my interests in science? How do I view the everyday world that I exist in?". Then, follow it up with "Why do I view the real world I live in that way?" Finally, consider "What other influences exist in my community (both academic and personal) that helped me to achieve that world view? Why did I believe them? " Only then will you be able to truthfully answer the essay prompt without deviating from its requirements.

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

- I am looking forward to graduating from your university and then undertaking an impressive career within the German aeronautical field over the next 5 years. I am looking forward to the opportunity... . I will push the boundaries of technology with pioneering developments and designs by exploring all possibilities. I look forward to working with like minded engineers who will push to achieve the same goal: to be the best that we can be. I am hopeful that I will be able to work with Airbus, Air Berlin, or Lufthansa as part of my 5 year career development plan. Hopefully I will be accepted as an intern and then move on to a regular employee position at one of those companies thanks to the excellent training I will receive from your university. I am positive... y our university aeronautical engineering masters program will be an excellent start for an ambitious career person like myself.

Does this work for you? I believe it made the paragraph tighter and more concise goal wise. Thus proving that you intend on staying in Germany for a very long time :-)

Graduate / When one does things as the heart wants thats the time we start living - SOP UCLA Design|Media Arts [5]

My apologies, I did not notice that you had posted a new version. Let me help you out now :-)


- These separate paragraphs should be combined into one complete paragraph. It is a good introduction to your statement of purpose when organized into a paragraph format.

- ... a path that is never ending . You will never know... questioning the media...


-bachelors degree in textile design... started myprofession at Mac... buyers from the US and UK..I worked with the... and learned to understand the trends and forecasts...


- ... I know that I will have fulfilled my dreams ...


- Don't lecture the admissions officer about something he is a professional at.

- Do not discuss anything not related to emphasizing your purpose for an MA course. These are just word fillers that will make the admissions officer throw away your essay before he finishes reading it.


- ... in order to become a successful..


-... education and the design industry. ..

Please note the strikeouts that signify unnecessary statements. These are the paragraphs that have no connection to your stating your purpose of interest in the MA course. I advise you to delete those statements and follow the other markings I have placed for you. The deleted paragraphs will shorten this essay and also tighten its focus on your purpose for enrolling in the course instead.

Undergraduate / I am a paranoid and sometimes I like to see other people suffer - Personal Description Pharagraph [5]

While this essay is direct to the point and gives a cut and dried description of yourself, it offers very little information about your personality. That is because you spent too much time on the rudimentary details about yourself. You don't need to tell us where you born, and you can limit the information about your family members. You should talk more about who you are. What you enjoy in life, and the kind of person that you are as a daughter, friend, student, etc. These are all personal descriptions that can give the reader an insight into your life and who you are.


- You should further develop the sentences in this statement as separate paragraphs. These descriptions could offer a vivid look into your personality, specially the portion about why you say you are some kind of bad person. Why do you say that about yourself? Why do you consider yourself paranoid? More importantly, why do you like to see fictional people suffer? These are important character traits that you should flesh out and explain more about because it will help paint a solid personal description for you in the imaginative mind of the reader.

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

An AP course is an Advanced Placement course or college level courses that high school students enroll in as preparation for their college studies. Consider it a primer on college level courses. It prepares the student for eventual college integration. IB stands for International Baccalaureate. It is an educational program that children from the age of 3-19 can study. This is a certification that is also given to any student who completes a 4 year college course. Accelerated courses are shorter versions of college classes normally completed within 5-8 weeks. Basically, a professor can make a recommendation letter based upon an understanding of the student whom he or she has taught in (most commonly) an IB setting. I believe you are recommending this student for a masters degree program? You just need to talk about his ability to understand instruction, his learning abilities as per your observation, any special qualities he has a student, his worth ethic, etc.

Undergraduate / USC Incoming Freshman Supplements -- Both General and Viterbi School of Engineering Essays [5]

Just a an insertion here and there to better construct your sentences :-)
First Essay:


- As a certified...
- Overall, this is a very engaging and effective essay. This non-academic pursuit of yours extensively but concisely explains who you were before and how you developed into a better person from there thanks to the influences of outside factors. Your command of English language is at an almost native speaker level.

Second Essay:


-... question in the San Jose...


-... Brosnan line from every one of their James Bond movies .


- ... far beyond those activities .


-... proud to be who he is .


- information with every movement.


- It would be best to reiterate your position on your belief about yourself instead of disagreeing with the definition of a geek or nerd. Say something like "That's why I am neither a geek or a nerd. I am just an ordinary person who does ordinary things in extraordinary ways." or something like that :-)

Writing Feedback / The colours and sounds of Rain - imaginative writing [2]

Rain is not unusual weather. The prompt is asking you to write about an extreme weather experience. Most likely an experience related to hurricanes. You can explain an experience when you observed the sky going from bright and sunny, then somber and gray. The rain falls after with thunder, lighting, and winds slowly picking up strength. The gray skies then turn a severe shade of black. Bring nighttime to what should have been daytime. The windows are banging against the walls as the harsh raindrops hit it. The windows sound like they want to be set free, torn from the sockets. The raindrops hitting your roof sound like it wants to pierce the only shelter you have from wetness, etc. Those are some ideas I have about how to start your essay off :-) I hope you can use it.

Writing Feedback / People care more about public recognition than about money [4]

The statement implies that people will still get paid but not rewarded for extra accomplishments on the job. In other words, no bonuses for model employees :-)


- ... individuals to work . Therefore, when the... working passion even if they don't get...


- Money matters more in a commercial society . People have to pay for. Individuals need their salaries to pay for ... houses and cars . ... They expect a higher...

- Your last statement does not help establish anything related to the prompt. Never deviate from the prompt.


- work in the short term... Social recognition must convert into real economic benefit for the workers. Otherwise, the lack of balance in their public and financial status... there are more competitive jobs on the market...


- Merge this sentence with the previous paragraph to create your closing statement.


- This is a better opening statement. You should definitely use this hook instead. I just have some adjustments to suggest.
- ... stronger motivation for people to work but getting paid

I hope my suggestions work for you. By the way, you present very good arguments in support of your stand. It is obvious that you considered all the angles of discussion and gave the pro and con reasons for each.

Writing Feedback / 'Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic regions' - GRE Argument Essay [2]

You wrote a very good argument that could refute the claims of the author. However, your arguments also lacked supporting evidence in order to support your claim. Thus, your refuting evidence is also weak. I would suggest that you try to use factual data, which can be found via Google search in defense and support of your position. You can also do the same to refute his statements. By presenting hard evidence regarding the migratory habits of the deer, you will definitely be able to strongly support your claims and in the process, nullify the claims of the author. Don't get me wrong, the paper is good as it is, but with the factual information from reputable sources, the paper could have been even better :-)

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

Don't panic. Don't worry. There is a way to do this even though your country does not offer those educational courses. All you have to do is explain in the letter that your country does not have equivalent courses so you will just be recommending the student based upon the classes that you taught which he/she participated in and base any grading comments upon your own country's standards. That way you can deliver an acceptable recommendation letter without having to lie about the course that the student took under your tutelage. Just be honest, tell them you are not familiar with those courses but that you feel that the student should be considered for further studies based upon your observation of his/her study habits and academic performance. That should work just fine.

Graduate / SOCIAL WORK - Yy SOP for Applying MA [4]

Here are my further suggestions / revisions that I hope will help you out :-)


- I believe that the role of a social worker is to help people who have experienced any form of injustice, abuse, and inequality in life. As a social worker, I must help them overcome these experiences that negatively impacted their lives in order to help restore their self-respect, sense of humanity, and well-being.


- Rather than using this paragraph, I believe that the essay will benefit more from your telling the reader how your current work experience is relevant to your MA in Social Work. That way the purpose for your application becomes implied, in which case you can explain it more. Or obvious in which case it becomes self explanatory.


- I seriously suggest that you merge this paragraph into your current introductory statement. The strength of your SOP is practically centered in this paragraph. Add your Social Work ideology from the first paragraph and you have created an immensely strong SOP. Put this at the beginning of your SOP introduction then proceed to the currently existing first paragraph in a merged form.


- The sentences I struck out were irrelevant to your SOP and will not serve any purpose towards your being considered for admission.

I look forward to reading the next version. I truly believe that you are slowly perfecting your SOP :-) Keep up the good work! We will always be here to offer our assistance :-)

Student Talk / Suggestions for getting recorded interviews transcribed [6]

You can send the transcript of the student to the international school in its current format. But you will need to attach a grade conversion chart to it just so the school can have a point of comparison between the grading systems. I am sure you can find someone in the administrative office who can help you find a conversion chart. It may seem overwhelming for you to be dealing with international schools but you don't have to be afraid. They are pretty understanding of the different educational styles worldwide and make room in order to understand those differences. If you are confident that the student has the high marks to be considered for admission, then go ahead and send the transcript in the format that your school creates it in. But I suggest that you do your best to find the conversion chart just in case the other school has never received an application from a student from your school or country before. You can also ask the student to email the international school authorities to inform them about the grading difference and ask for their advice regarding the matter in relation to his application.

Scholarship / 'how to apply and what to write?' - Self introduction essay for KGSP scholarship [8]

Leigh, unfortunately the rules of the forum do not allow us to share our email accounts with you. This is an open forum where all the uploaded essays are open to the registered forum participants. Instead of asking for our email accounts, you should just upload those papers here so that we can have an open discussion / suggestion table that can help you finalize your essay content. We can also verify your essay for plagiarism if you wish us to do that for you. This forum is equipped to handle such requests. Remember, we can only offer essay advice, we cannot do the work for you. If you need that kind of work, you should seek a professional writing service :-)

Undergraduate / The Perfectly Imperfect Woman - Your most important influence(s) [3]

For starters, I would like you to check the following to make sure that your paper follows the proper MLA formatting for essays:
1. 1 inch margins on the top, bottom, left, and right side of the paper.
2. The paper must be double spaced
3. Font size 10 (minimum) - 12 (maximum), Arial or Times New Roman fonts
4. The paper must follow the correct MLA referencing guide whenever quotes are used. You can do a quick search via Google for sample MLA formats to make sure you have the correct format for personal interview quotes. I personally prefer the Purdue OWL website for this purpose.

Now for my comments/ revision suggestions about the essay itself:

The essay is quite short for an MLA formatted essay. An academically formatted short MLA essay is composed of at least 3 paragraphs. You only have 2 paragraphs. The maximum number of paragraphs you can fit on a single paper is 5 depending upon the number of sentences per paragraph.


- This is not an MLA formatted quotation. As an in-text citation, it should contain a parenthetical citation indicating the source of this quote.
- The punctuation marks should appear after the quotation marks.
- Indicate the author and page number where the quote can be found in the parenthetical citation.


- What makes you say that she is perfectly imperfect? Give examples to give the reader an idea of what you mean.


- What is imperfect about her in this statement?


- Again, a sample of her strength, be it physical or emotional would help this portion along. You are trying to explain why she is perfectly imperfect at this point. So an example of her being strong for the wrong reasons would be good.


- This is a good supporting sentence. Build upon it. Examples can be used here.
- You don't need to format this quote because it is from a previous memory.


- Why did this happen and how did she accomplish this? Why did you decide to turn around because of her?


- Did her imperfections influence you do accomplish these things? Why did her own imperfections inspire your?

Finally, I believe you close your essay with a paragraph explaining and reiterating your belief in and support of your grandmother as a perfectly imperfect woman.

You still have plenty of room to discuss the theme of your essay. Supporting examples from your personal experience with your grandmother will provide solidity to your comments as well. I suggest you revise the essay to reflect these things.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Replacing old buildings is important for any city but it should not affect historic houses [9]

Hi Hamedmas :-) I was wondering if you have a word count limit on the paper? This is really short paragraph wise because you have so many individual sentences involved. Those sentences are under developed in my opinion and could use more discussion in order to create a better point of view for your paper.

- There is a word confusion in this statement. Revolution means to embark on a war. Evolution means to embark on change. I am sure you mean evolution :-)

- Since this is your introductory statement, you should have a more solid thesis presented. You can do this by mentioning a few reasons why historic buildings are sometimes being torn down in favor of new buildings. That way you can present your point of view at the end with an overview of what discussion the paper will contain.

- This is a good paragraph. But I would like to make a suggestion, revise the statement in order to reflect a belief that the historic building should not be replaced because it holds the key to understanding the history of the people, it's traditions, and culture. These are also important aspects of traditional life and beliefs among a people which go hand in hand with the architecture of the building Architects have been known to build structures that pay tribute to their culture, traditions, historic events, or even folklore. I believe that should also be discussed as an important aspect of preserving the buildings.

- It would be good to mention the historic buildings of Rome, Egypt, Spain, Germany, etc. as some of the examples of preserved historic buildings that draw in tourists and historians eager to understand the seeds of culture and history in a nation.

- I suggest adding a sentence about how the historic buildings help the new generation of citizens look towards a brighter future because of the inspiration that can be derived from the preservation of old buildings. Make suggestions about how these buildings can be preserved in its original look but still bring in income for the country by turning it into libraries, cafe's, hotels, etc. Samples of the new purpose for historic buildings can be found via Google search.

I hope my suggestions help you :-) Each of your sentences can still be developed in order to make this already good essay even better. I look forward to reading the next version :-)

Undergraduate / My experience with religion - College essay [2]

Religion is normally an explosive topic to discuss in any essay. However, your discussion was in no way explosive. In fact, it was highly informative and gave both sides of the issue in a calm and logical manner. You should give yourself a pat on the back for being able to address the prompt in a very proper and agreeable manner. This is an example of an essay wherein the writer truly understood all the aspects implied in the single prompt and did his or her best o address these. That said, I would like to move on to advising you regarding some minor grammatical problems and giving you content suggestions which I hope will help you improve your essay :-)


- You can skip this statement because the central point of the paragraph is already the argument that you had with the girl on a daily basis. Therefore, your argumentative personality is established without additional words.

- Try to make this a separate paragraph so that you have an introduction portion to your essay. This part reads more like a part of its body than an introduction.

- ... to convert me. Whereas I...She seemed to not understand... she believed that one must believe in God...


- You can expand upon this portion by explaining what the circumstances of this conversation was and how it helped to make you both more open minded towards hearing each others side. How did the conversation end? That way you can give a basis for the actions that the girl took the next day.


- It gave me insight... how the Mormon girl thought ... Religion for me...
These very minor revisions should help to further strengthen your discussion :-) Keep up the good work!

Undergraduate / Library of Congress in Washington DC - it's a place where I was inspired by design... [2]

You present a very good essay here. But I agree with you when you say that it is a bit impersonal. I believe that the feeling of detachment comes from your only describing the architecture of the building and the story behind it. It lacks the personal touch. The essay should be further improved once you include your personal feelings about the designs that you saw. Surely the designs touched you emotionally and intellectually in a way. You should delve into that aspect and discuss in such a manner that you know will be appealing to the admissions officer of the university. You need to present an idea of how you personally connected with the building and its architecture during the tour in order to develop a more personal feel and point of view for the discussions that you presented. By doing so, you will present yourself as a future architect who knows how to translate emotions, feelings, and sentiments into your final design. Depicting yourself in such a manner will also offer an idea as to the kind of architecture that can be expected of you in the future.

You spoke of architectural designs from Paris in one of the sentences. Maybe you could compare how you felt and what you thought of those Paris designs which influenced your feelings and point of view relating to its American counterparts? This will show how you have a wide point of view when it comes to architecture and will further establish your points of inspiration when it comes to building design.

Writing Feedback / [GRE ISSUE] Government regulation in the economy. [3]

I'll try to help you by showing you how to better present your arguments within the essay. I hope my suggestions work for you :-)

-A capitalistic economy often finds itself debating whether government intervention is necessary in order to regulate the market's. One side is opposed to government intervention while the other, supports the intervention. This paper will attempt to factually discuss both sides of the issue in a manner that will allow the readers to make an informed decision and help them create their personal opinion on the matter.

- Those opposed to government intervention do so on the basis of a laissez-faire economy. Declaring that the public need for safety can be met by business owners and the market even as they pursue their self interests pertaining to profit. It must be noted however, that the prime objective of corporate interests are not always in the best interest of the consumer. Therefore, the quality of the products they produce remain suspect. Unless the corporations and private sector can prove that no harm will come to the public while using their products by making them liable for their product quality, these players will not have any compelling factor to consider public safety in their business movements and decisions.

- This is why there are those who believe that government regulation is a necessary evil in the business sector. The government's primary responsibility is to safeguard the welfare of the public. As such, they must ensure that the public is not deceived or harmed by business and market practitioners in the name of profit. Consider the case...

- Due to the government's mandated accountability to the people, it makes perfect sense for them to interfere in the business affairs of the private sector before something goes wrong. If something does go wrong, the government will have to be involved in the problem resolution anyway. The people can also demand that the government interfere in the private sector once they believe that the regulations of the companies involved are detrimental to the public interests. Rather than forcibly having the government enter the scene, it would perhaps be in everyone's best interests to have the public represented by the government early on.

- While the public may be concerned about government efficiency when addressing these problems. Corruption has also become a clear issue when it comes to the government dealings with the private sector. This is the main reason that the other parties wish to have the government stay out of the affairs of the private sector. If they are prone to be swayed towards the interests of business, regardless of its effect on the public, then the government does not truly represent the best interests of the people.But that is not to say that such a situation constantly exists for the public and private sector. Therefore, unless a perfect economy, free from corruption and with an assurance that all products manufactured in the private sector are safe and perfectly distributed to the people, the government needs to somehow be trusted by the public to protect their interests when it comes to issues of public health and safety.

I believe that you need to research more facts about this issue and work it into your next version. That way the essay will be further strengthened since it will be releasing opinions based upon verifiable public information.

Writing Feedback / Do you think it is necessary to take an entrance exam to enter a college or university? [4]

Your discussion is poorly developed and lacks any actual merit or basis overall. I am making some suggestions as to how you can improve this essay during its 2nd drafting stage.


- You need an introductory statement that will properly explain the essay prompt as per your understanding. Close the thesis statement with an indication that your stand is that students should take an entrance exam and that you will be discussing both the pro and anti exam points in the essay.


- An overview of these ideas should be presented in your introductory paragraph.


- Present this as an argument not in favor of taking entrance exams. Develop the ideas further using examples or personal experience.

For the next paragraph, you must present a discussion in support of entrance exams and then present supporting evidence as well.


- This is a good personal point of view. It has good assumptions to support your claim. However, the assumption should be reworded to sound factual in order to be acceptable as an argument. Restate this paragraph.

Undergraduate / I am a paranoid and sometimes I like to see other people suffer - Personal Description Pharagraph [5]

While your concern about your grammar is good to note, I don't want you worry about how you say things at this point in your essay. What is important is that you get your ideas and thoughts written, or in this case, typed out, so that you will have a starting point for your essay. Write down all of the information that you feel is necessary to properly answer the requirements of the essay the best way you know how. Then format it into the required essay format. Post it in this thread again so that it can be reviewed and revised by the forum members. Once you feel confident about the content of the essay, what I mean is, if you feel that the essay already best represents who you are in the context of the prompt, then we can start working on any grammar problems. The grammar problems should be the least of your worries. Those can be corrected and improved upon the minute you feel confident with the content of the essay as you wrote it. After all, what good is excellent grammar if you are using words that do not fit the meaning of your essay or lack essence in such a way that the words used does not enhance the overall content of the paper? Do your best and we will help you polish the rest :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: we can not forcedly put the same numbers of males and females into every subject [2]

Here's my take on your essay. I hope my comments can help you improve the essay in your 2nd draft :-)


- Before you launch into your personal opinion. you should present an introduction to the topic by providing an overview of both sides. Then informing the reader of your personal point of view as part of the thesis statement.


- How is this paragraph relevant to the ration or number of students accepted for study in a university? Are you saying that schools should only accept men in certain courses in women in certain courses depending upon their perceived academic activities?


- You speak of students being forced into courses they are not interested in due to their gender. But what if that is not the case? What if the university decides to have an equal number of enrolled students for each department? How does that affect the student? Do you still agree or disagree ?


- You need to clarify what you mean by this point.


- The prompt did not say that students of specific genders would be forced to enroll in particular courses. The implication of the prompt is than an equal number of male and female students should be accepted into their chosen courses instead. Therefore, your discussion and conclusion should only center on the positive and negative effects of having an equal number of male and female students in specific courses.

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

This is ready for submission. You just need to correct a few grammatical errors I caught in this final version and then it is ready to be sent out :-) These are very minimal edits that you can apply in less than a minute :-)



- everyday I will exchange...

After applying those corrections, I would like you to read the completed final essay one last time. Just to make sure that you are truly comfortable with the content and do not wish to add or delete any information within the essay. Once you have done that, you can send out the paper :-) Good luck with your application !

Writing Feedback / The author's conclusion about woven baskets is based on the assumptions that are not very strong [5]


- Archeologists are trained to spot the age of riverbeds, therefore they would have been able to tell if there were pre-existing water forms and how that may have affected the exchange of culture, traditions, and goods in a particular area. Your reasoning is not sound and is not the evidence of proper research.


- This is a reasonable deduction on your part.


- But the fact is that the only way to travel to and from, according to the archeologists is by boat. They did not have boats. So your argument is weak.


- Excellent point!


- This is true. But you need to improve your argument and provide evidence as well to prove that the analysis of the archeologists are wrong or flawed.

My overall grade for this essay, based upon my own observations that I used for my own grading rubic would be a 5. Due to the fact that you did not present enough evidence on your part to disprove the assumptions of the archeologists.

Writing Feedback / Do you think it is necessary to take an entrance exam to enter a college or university? [4]

I tried to revise your opinion paragraph. Please look it over. I think I was able to keep the essence of your original paper in a better format. I hope you find it useful as a guide. Or feel free to use this version if you wish :-)


- While a number of students who fear failing college entrance exams will most likely jump for joy at not having to take an entrance exam in order to get into a university or college, the reality is that the quality of the education delivered by the educational institution will suffer if they just grant entry to anybody who wants to attend their university. Without entrance exams, the colleges and universities will not be able to properly assess the ability of the potential student to keep up with and accomplish the needs and demands of the major of their choice. This will also help to weed out the students who are just entering the university or choosing a major based upon the dictates and sentiments of their parents, who will be paying for their tuition fees. If they fail to pass the entrance exam, then their parents will realize that the future of their child does not lie in the occupation that they envisioned for him or her. That is why I believe that taking a college entrance exam will be beneficial to the student and the college or university in the long run.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Replacing old buildings is important for any city but it should not affect historic houses [9]

Hi Hamedmas! I found some other parts that we can either edit or revise. I noted those below. I hope that these suggestions continue to help you develop your paper :-) Good luck! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you feel you need it :-)


- In order to build new ones...


- because it is important to modernize the view... any city . Historic buildings...have presented the tradition... The historic buildings also serve as an economic booster for local tourism because it brings in tourists from all over who are interested in historical architecture.


- ancestors. That is why nobody can determine... culture and belief shared by a nation or people... we can learn more about the . These are some reasons why...


- Historic buildings have been known to have the ability to attract tourists to a given city.


- It interests most people to know...


- ... Iran, etc in order to create a historical connection in their minds between the past and present cultures that exist in these countries.


- That is why it is important to preserve these historic building for the future generations. Developing tourism around historical buildings also bring in new sources of employment and income to the tourist area.

These are reasons that why we should preserve historic buildings in the city. They can benefit us financially by developing other industries. Moreover, they are the symbols of our nations, which can show the historical culture of our previous ancestors .

- These are but a few reasons why... The provide an economic benefit through the tourism industry while also representing the symbols and culture of a nation.

Writing Feedback / Opportunities to learn more about various aspects of life encourage people to watch movies [3]

Mariana, I believe that you should use the library comment at the start of the essay as part of your hook. After all, who would like to spend countless hours lining up at the library or reading materials about other countries when one can watch movies and learn more than books can ever offer about that country in the process?


- You can merge the library comment into this paragraph.


- Good example and effective reasoning.But the presentation can be improved.
- "Erin Brokovich" is one perfect example of the learning argument. In 2 hours, the viewer learned about a landmark United States Supreme Court case, got to know a key legal figures and learn about their participation in the case, get involved in research work for the case, and more importantly, learned how the legal system works in the U.S. for class lawsuits. No reading material in the local library can claim to do that for any reader.


- On a personal note, I have to admit that everything I learned about the United States, its history and culture, all stem from the TV documentaries, and movies that I watched coming from the U.S. Without these sources of visual information, I would never have had a clear understanding of their Thanksgiving traditions and what July 4th Independence Day was all about. It is always easier for people to remember and understand facts that they can visualize. That is what makes these sorts of films more effective teaching vehicles.


- Nice closing statement but I feel you need to add something else to this statement to make it more effective.