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Posts by sa1na
Name: Saina Ghadiany
Joined: Sep 18, 2014		 Last Post: Oct 18, 2014
Threads: 9
Posts: 72  
From: Islamic Republic of Iran
School: Kherad

Displayed posts: 81 / page 1 of 3
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sa1na   
Oct 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / A young inventor called Kelvin Doe [3]

It would have been great if you could have posted the topic as well.
No problem though . There are some minor grammatical mistakes that i'm going to fix .

Kelvin Doe, is 16 years old, a boy who have decided to help his community by his innovative solutions for severe problems.

Is he still inventing? is it going to continue? if yes, the following format should be used
An important point that,: Kelvin benefiteds from unimportant and useless things to create something necessary so most of his inventions are made from garbagewere from garbage.

Hasn't he made a radio and battery? If yes :
For example, he could buildhas built a radio station, a battery and also he is going to create a windmill.
FirstlyAt first , he built a radio
Are you talking about a physical thing or a virtual thing? If Kevin has built a radio, how can people express their problems by that? If he has built a station, how has he used physical things? You should explain it more precisely.

people are able to express their thoughts and debates about issues in order to solve these problems.
Secondly, Kevin's community has sufferedhas been from an effective problem with electricity. Therefore, he thought about createcreating a windmill to generate electricity so lights willwould be powered 4 times at the month,

that a boy who just 16 years old can think about and create like these inventions.
I noticed that althoughdespite the scarcity of materials and information
thought by usingthinks of using garbage and discarded parts in order to harness to get the benefits

Hope it would help :)
sa1na   
Oct 15, 2014
Scholarship / Scholarship for undergraduate student in Korea [3]

After successful completionsuccessfully completing theof high school with honor,
And I entered the Inha University don't use so many "and"s. They are not really necessary and they seem excessive.
scale. After arriving to Korea I want to get TOEFL. this sentence is so abrupt. Maybe you should change it a bit so it would fit the scale

Tip: Try not to use "i know this, I know that" you can mention what you know in normal sentences instead of adding I know at the beginning.

further career's aspirations of becoming
study and working in an
cultures, and it could also broaden my horizons.
completion acompleting an undergraduate degree in MBA will
outstanding and high quality system of education excellent teachers, are you talking about the teachers or the system of the education? It is unclear in this sentence.

specialties, and international educational activities.
Besides, these universities offers various possibilities:
I greatly broaden their horizons and get pleasure from studying. you are going to broaden whose horizon?
It is in these universities have a huge prospect of becoming a highly qualified specialist.In these universities one have a huge prospect of becoming a highly qualified specialist

Hope my tips were useful. :)
sa1na   
Oct 15, 2014
Scholarship / Scholarship for undergraduate student in Korea [3]

I was born in a middle class family, which strongly believes in the possibility of education and also appreciates it.
in theour? society,
teaches us in different areas for extra courses. what are you trying to say by this sentence?
is a 11th grade pupil at the end of the schooland she wants to go to a medical university. in the future
triedhave been trying to learn well,
And getting good grades requires effort and Trudawho is Truda achieved good results as evidenced by my achievements .
leading many competitive programs, participant ofand participating in various pomegranate projects
andnot needed I follow these principles , and I have successfully completed the courses and have received the
a lot of the results I have achieved through sport. and also a lot of achievements in the sport's field.
After 3 years of going in for Taekwondo I got (red belt)"a red belt" , and in the future I will not stop and will continue taking Taekwondo classes .

,. I went in for freestyle wrestling and received many medals and awards, and I was the winner and a champion in the individual championship in the Osh region.

Only in sportAt any rate, in the filed of sport I have got 5 gold, 2 silver and 9 bronze medals, and 16 Certificates , and 2 Cups.
willwould get a quality education within the walls of yourthis wonderful institution where there is a material and technical base.which is material and technical based

Obtained here education and experience obtained here will be highly regarded .

And this program will be a springboard, and will help me to make themy first step towards my goal.
. I think this is the perfect choicenot necessary
for this program for two months. All these are my own ideas and nobody helped me in writing and full filling the application​​​never ever write a sentence liek this in your application
sa1na   
Oct 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Common App Prompt #2: Failure (My experiences with competition math) [2]

February 19, 2014. I vividly remember this day - the day I experienced my first major

failure. That fateful day when I felt that my dream had shattered. That day when I

surmised that someone had pulled out the rug from under my feet and had made me feel

worthless. - I believe you can use ; instead of . since all the sentences are somehow related

I didhad not focused as much on simple arithmetic as much as I didhad on the

actual problem-solving process.

The concept is good, showing how you came to a conclusion about your situation and how you managed to find a solution. However, I feel there's still something missing. Maybe something that would encourage the reader to continue reading eagerly.
sa1na   
Oct 15, 2014
Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Firstly, is'nt your essay passing the word limit? I don't know the limit, just warning you to make sure of it.

Ok, there are some tiny grammatical problems : would asked me the same
+ are you sure collude is an appropriate verb for this essay and you purpose?
When I was walking to the school gate from my last period at Art room with Matthew as the bell ringed loudly and proudly.
chattedwere chatting about the smart kids at class and the popular girls at court,- just basically about the school life-
"Well, you know, Chinese kids are smart as stereotyped. in the stereotypes.
And we allboth (you were only 2!) laughed, especially me,. I didn't know why but I laughed really hard as I could not believe that peopleanyone would trust the nonsense descriptions I had said.

they have dark red eyes",that somethingsomething that would never come true, or even if it were true, he should have already heard about it on the news or on his biology book or something official, not from me, orally.

However, after I got home, when I told the story to my host family (they are Americans) during dinner time and expected the laughing sounds filled with the house as usually I do, things turned out different.Later that night during dinner time, when telling the story to my.. and expecting the house filled with the laughin sounds, however, everything turned out differently.

When they got the same oh-really faces on me and I decided to retreat the whole thing again, maturely but not just being like a kid who only knew what's funny or treat others with contempt. I started to wonder why Mat would believe me in the first place. I would say: yes, I admitted that I was a nice actress and could disguise me pretending to laugh really well, but this reason was insufficient. This part is completely unclear. Your first sentence is not complete.

And I thought about the culture; I guessed it was because I had said "Chinese" but not just "random people".
if I had said Americans in general had red eyes he would have absolutely laughed

maybe for the guilty I hadguilt I felt or maybe for missionaryjust as a Chinese foreign culture spreader.

Then I told the Chinese history from Tang dynasty to Qing dynasty to Mat everyday after school, in front of the school gate.I started telling mat the Chinese history from Tang Dynasty to Qing dynastu everyday after school, in ..

Overall, the concept is perfect and shows your personallity and capabilities .
sa1na   
Oct 15, 2014
Undergraduate / The Garage and HiBay- Common App [5]

The first one is excessively beautiful; however, I believe the second one would do you better as an application essay since it is about an internship and would reveal valuable things about you and your experiences.
sa1na   
Oct 15, 2014
Undergraduate / College Essay - "I need to go find my parents. My dad is looking for me" [3]

not felt by the mind, but rather by the heart.
next time I visit them.
Nevertheless, In my heart I felt joy and satisfaction in bringing
smile to disheartened patients' faces by

The context was perfect. I am sure you have a great chance with this essay since it also shows how you have done something volunteering and how you have gained experience throughout it
sa1na   
Oct 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The graph illustrates how goods were transported in the UK [2]

It is obvious thatobviously road transportation washas been the
this numberhad increased dramatically to 97 million
ona par in the first four
decreaseddecreasing to about 50 million in 1998 and surgedsurging to 68 million in 2002
have carried the smallest
sa1na   
Oct 14, 2014
Undergraduate / I wasn't going to give up this time. CommonApp essay on my 30lb weight loss. [4]

I found out that stress cancould cause weight gain, but now that I was free from the burden of all those AP classesbut now free from the burden of all those AP classes, , I could check that one off.

My sister, her husband, and their two kids decided to visit.My sister decided to visit us with her family. Our house isn'twas not very big, and the treadmill iswas in the same room aswith my 3 year old nephew playeding around in. I thought I could exercise when they slept, but being an old treadmill, it was simply too loud. excessive

The rest is almost good; however, it can benefit from more complex vocabulary.
sa1na   
Oct 14, 2014
Undergraduate / I wasn't going to give up this time. CommonApp essay on my 30lb weight loss. [4]

The topic you chose is good since it shows how you feel dedicated to your decision. However, there are some sentences you could revise that would make the essay seem more coherent and also would make it shorter.

I knew there was a problem when I ran out of breath by walking up the stairs. As a kid, I was never concerned about my health. Though I knew there exist a problem since I would ran out of breath everytime walking up the stairs, as a kid, I was never concerned about my health

Moreover, Having asthma, I was never really engaged in rigorous athletic activities.

My teacher seemed to be in a good mood as well, and he told us why. Being one of my favorite teachers who I had looked up to all year, I paid close attention. My favorite teacher was in a good mood as well, and I paid close attention while she/he was explaining the reason of his/her joyfulness

but nothing worth having comes easy. but nothing worthy would be gained easily
sa1na   
Oct 13, 2014
Undergraduate / "4'33"", "Body Composition", "Beyond Dust" Stanford Supplementals [2]

The first essay's concept and starting is acceptable, and also good and interesting. However, I strongly believe that it needs a more obvious conclusion and ending. The essay is incomplete.

The second one is perfect. I admire how you managed to say so many thing in just a short so-called "letter". :)) And I laughed. And this is what an application essay must look like :)

The last one: idea and concept wise. However, it is a liitle cloudy what really matter to YOU. You have mentioned important points, but did not answer the question directly.
sa1na   
Oct 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / Written assignment, a midterm sales letter for scientific writing course [4]

Don't you think a letter should not be so long ? :D Though I don't know what the word limit is of course!
I will try to read it as much as I have time, and I would continue reading till it is over :)

Dear Principal Capodice:,
fromby human interferences
in the climate temperatures
Unfortunately,however, this is not the case in reality.
in the solving the problem is to
It is oblivious to most Americans, how deep of a problem this is
that there should be some consensus
Children are the future and neglecting this issue will lead to an unsound outcome. : this sentence does not make sense. What is the relation between the children's being the future and the neglect of this issue?

The reason I write to you becauseis that you are the principle of
It is your obligation to be responsible : you sure you wanna address a principal like this? :D
to my attention that there is only one
In thesuch a program teachers
the school,since it is a group effort.
this program will be anwould surely be a success.
sa1na   
Oct 13, 2014
Undergraduate / I can become a convenient change maker, altering the issues and the approaches to them. [3]

As a Changemaker Campus, USD promotes entrepreneurship, collaboration, and innovation for positive social change. Briefly describe how your past activities or work experiences will enhance our community.

The past years have been a perfect experience for me, me always seeking for opportunities to help the society and people, especially the needy ones, and therefore the exhaustive enhancement of my skills. The experience of being a volunteer member of the Child Labor NGO and Organ Donation Organization helped me ascertain how to always believe in the existence of a solution for the challenging problems. It also thought me the fact that if one sincerely cares about an issue, they are the one responsible for finding a way of getting involved in it; no one is going to invite others to be a change maker. This belief which has been growing stronger in me would cause me to be one of the optimistic ones, always trying to find a solution for whatever even if seeming impractical.

Moreover, by the virtue of being a programming teacher assistant, my knowledge and skills were outstandingly improved both in programming field and acting as a teacher. Not all people can be a conventional teacher, abstractly influencing the students and also helping them learn something handy for the rest of their life. I can use these skills helping people in the fields I have even a slightest knowledge in, and I could be a great tutor for any student having difficulty solving a problem since my talent in teaching has been proved to me.

Besides, Participating in global, international activities such as in International Research School Projects and Debates with different countries intensified my understanding of global-social issues. Furthermore, my capacities in communicating with divergent people were improved breathtakingly. I learned that not that much dissimilar are the issues people all around the world are concerned of, and that we should all cooperate if we are really seeking for a result. I can use these experiences to be an extraordinary sociable person, trying to gather all the people, no matter from what nationality. Furthermore, by the virtue of my high-understanding about global-social issues, I would be a great supporter of all the social groups trying to find a solution decreasing these problems' degree of damage.

With all these skills, I strongly believe that I can become a convenient change maker, altering the issues and the approaches to them.
sa1na   
Oct 8, 2014
Undergraduate / Tea with Pancakes - Story that changed my life [13]

Firstly, I would correct the tiny grammatical mistakes. Then we could think which parts to ommit.
everything went in an unexpected way
about curious finding
I set up the time and texted all of them back.
if we were going to hang out and have fun this weekends , and I would tellinform(maybe) them
twenty days we became intellectually very effective and productive
PlusMoreover, we learned to teach others working style and life positions (it is not smooth) maybe: different working styles. (life positions is so coarse for this essay)

werewas doing great, while going step in step with anotherthe other team.
to watch and be powerless to help - to watch, powerless to help
My heart almost stopsed
that'swas where I had led them.
Your trust today meant the world to me

I finished the reading; and, I really admire the story. It was beautiful, encouraging, and it felt so real I could imagine everything happening. Maybe you could consider the errors I found, see if I am not mistaken. Then, after revising whatever you think needs to be revised, we can work on the length of the writing.

I hope it to be useful.
sa1na   
Oct 8, 2014
Undergraduate / intellectual development-letter-application [6]

Alina, I exactly meant that, and I am happy you got my point.

My esteemed roommate,
Firstly, I have an unquestionably marvelous news for you. You are going to be roommate with a girl who never gets angry. You can live however you desire, and I can assure you I am going to respect your ideas and beliefs. However,if some of my attitudes are going to bother you, please just let me know; I would commit myself to do my best not to annoy you.

I love books, and I am either not at home -working on a project somewhere, or I am reading books. Nevertheless, I guarantee I would be there whenever you need someone to talk to.

Moreover, just in case not to freak you out, be aware that I am an extraordinarily multitask person; you would never see me occupied with only one thing in process, and the evidence is my laptop's desktop with each part engaged to one of my occupation. Thus, you can be satisfied all my tasks, either about our pretty little room or related to whatever common between us, will be done precisely as demanded and by time; at any rate, you can rely on me in whatever you need a hand.

Last word: remember that we are going to be intimate friends. No matter what a person you are going to be, you can count on me as a devoted and a faithful friend since not people's looks nor their background is important for me, but what matters is their personality.
sa1na   
Oct 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Children will easier memorize and manage the foreign words since they are young [2]

It is no doubtundoubtedly true that
for learning a foreign language is at primary and secondary school.
ThoughHowever , learning a foreign language at primary school has more benefits than at secondary school.
the age average of student in primary school are in early age - the students in the primary school are in their early ages.
the children are easy toeasily memorize new phrases and grammar for learning foreign language. -children are not easy. memorizing is easy for them
children's brains do not have to endure many pressures like adult's brains
which are more important for them at thethat moment.
the students should focus toon the study of study
time for learning a foreign language is at primary school.
will easier to memorize and manage the words
wereare young.
Different to students at secondary schoolIn contrast with primary school students , theysecondery school students do not have enough time for learning languages. - your sentence means primary school students do not have time!
sa1na   
Oct 8, 2014
Undergraduate / intellectual development-letter-application [6]

I revised it a bit as to make it more about myself and my personality.

My esteemed roommate,
Firstly, I have an unquestionably marvelous news for you. You are going to be roommate with a girl who never gets angry or upset. You can live however you desire, and I can assure you I am going to respect your ideas and beliefs. However, if you are not the same, and if some of my attitudes are going to bother you, please just let me know; I would commit myself to do my best not to annoy you.

[...]
sa1na   
Oct 8, 2014
Undergraduate / Tea with Pancakes - Story that changed my life [13]

In any case ,not needed I was to be on
fencing, or reading fiction books.
a show-off activity
I guess the responsibility does something to me - not a good sentence. Maybe: I guess the responsibility has a great influence on my behavior,

to do work; I end up doing the whole team's work and hating
It had happened before and that was the main

I will continue editing since I must go now :D
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / What is the good life? Describe your notion. [7]

and more importantly, whether or not I get accepted into your University - this is like a slap in the face. :)) Why so angry and straightforward?

The parts related to your brother or acceptance are perfect when alone. But for this essay, they make your essay diggress from the primary point.
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / intellectual development-letter-application [6]

Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (100 to 250 words)
Working as a member of the Rescue Agent Simulation team, my favorite activity, opened the door of the JAVA's world to me. Admittedly, it was challenging, needing a lot of energy and effort since firstly, our team consisted of only my friend and I, whereas other teams had at least five members. Moreover, the competitions for this field are all in university level while we were only sixteen when we started the project. However, I enjoyed each and every single moment of all the efforts and endeavors.

Our job was to program all day long. The server the school provided us with was not adequate, but meanwhile we had to try to make do with it. There were lots of nights we did not get any sleep and even when we were not working on the project, in our unconsciousness we were still seeking for strategies and solutions. Finally, all this strenuous work resulted into something extraordinary; the fifth rank in IranOpen Competitions and Forth rank in the World RoboCup competitions showed us how we were able to succeed in the job in just half of the time it took others to do it.

Conclusively, in addition to developing my knowledge about JAVA programming language, this experience showed me how I could success through endeavor and extra effort, how by working as a team, success was not an unconceivable result, and how by enjoying a task, it would not look as much arduous as it naturally seems.

Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better. (100 to 250 words)

My very dear roommate,
Firstly, I have an unquestionably marvelous news for you. You are going to be roommate with a girl who never gets angry or upset. You can live however you desire, and I can assure you I am going to respect your ideas and beliefs. However, if you are not the same, and if some of my attitudes are going to bother you, please just let me know; I would commit myself to do my best not to annoy you -though I do not think I would have a behavior that would cause you ANY trouble.

I love books, and I am either not at home -working or doing a project somewhere, or I am reading books. I hope you do not mind if I would not talk with you or anyone else as much. Nevertheless, I guarantee I would be there whenever you need someone to talk to.

Last word: remember that we are going to be intimate friends. No matter what a person you are going to be, you can count on me as a devoted and a faithful friend owing to the fact that not people's looks nor their background is important for me, but what matters is their attitudes and personality.

Mod comment:It will be better if you split it into two separate threads
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]

I tried to revise the conclusion so there would be no question in it.
btw, I am so grateful. There is no one here, in our country, helping me with my application since our native language is not English and moreover people do not usually apply for universities when they are my age. Thus, you cannot imagine how grateful I am and how encouraged I feel because of this.

One of my hundreds activities as a handy member of the society is to be a part of the Child Labor NGO community. I use my fluency in English to translate important news in order to enhance people's and community member's knowledge about the issue; what these children need is not money, but is the people's perception. There are lots of researches that cannot be used in the way of developing these children's conditions just since they are in English.

Moreover, I teach english, and sometimes other lessons, to those labor children. They are not normal children; therefore, I am not an regular teacher; they have lots of psychological issues which should be considered while someone interacts with them. Having been a programming and English teacher, and also a Shooting coach, I had some experiences before starting to be a member of this community. However, those experiences ,though worthwhile, are what all common people might achieve as well. Being a labor child's teacher demonstrates to you how to be patient and not to ever lose your temper. Moreover, it shows you how to wear others' shoes and try to be in their place, feeling their sufferings as well.

Teaching those children something, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. This sense would appease them, slash their anger towards all people, and give them the chance to become a convenient member of the society.
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Graphs: UK tourism statistics [5]

you sumarized everything wisely and in order. However, I suggest you find a way to connect the two graphs more with each other; foe instance, whenever talking about the increase in the UK residenst's travels, mention where they went. Moreover, try to emphasize on the difference between the ratio of increasing of two lines in the graph one. It was the first thing that caught my attention.
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

Unlike most of the people entering a university, I know what subjects I am fascinated by: computer, programming, and psychology. Most of the universities provide the opportunities to follow majors and minors related to my fields of interest; however, American University provides its students with opportunities that cannot be found anywhere else. National Science Foundation, AU Career Center, and etc, are all job opportunities quenching my eagerness for being contributing during my study years. Most inspiring is the opportunity to work with the School of Education, Teaching, and Health and train a child while building my own professional skills. These give me the chance of enhancing my knowledge and my sense of responsibility not only by studying regular courses, but also by participating in different careers.

Moreover, I am particularly gratified by the opportunity to participate in the annual computer science competitions under the able tutelage of revered computer science professors JOsh McCoy and Mohammad Owrang Ojaboni. I would consider it the greatest honor to have them validate my early work in the field of computing.

Additionally amusing are the research opportunities provided in the psychology field such as The Influence of Emotions on Food Preferences and The Effect of Mental Activities on Performance. I am inspired for having this vast area of opportunities under my minor field.

Overall, enthusiast by the opportunities I would have as an undergraduate student, I trust that I would be supported comprehensively in my way to the so-called "infinite" world of science and research.
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]

Teaching those children something, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. This sense would appease them, slash their anger towards everyone their believe to have a fault in their being misfortunate, and give them the chance to become a convenient member of the society.
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / "I come from a world that has a dance floor" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 [3]

As I practiceed I could almost smell the odor of humiliating judgements implyinh how aweful I was; therefore, I was often discouraged.
skills were improvingimproved by the second.
that dance becamehas become my passion
love and live off it was
realized that dance wasn'twas not
that is commended for theirher/his (you are talking abour yourself, not others) work.

Overall, the concept is good, but I believe you can elaborate on it much more better. Keep working till it becomes more special .
sa1na   
Oct 7, 2014
Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

Revised , thanks to vangiespen for her/his ? reaaaly handy suggestions

Unlike most of the people entering a university, I precisely know what subjects I am fascinated by, which are computer, programming, and also psychology. Most of the universities provide the opportunities to follow majors and minors related to my fields of interest; however, American University provides its students with opportunities no where can be found. NATIONAL SCIENCE FOUNDATION, AU CAREER CENTER (AU STUDENTS ONLY), SPIN, and etc, are all job opportunities quenching my eagerness for being contributing during my study years. These give me the chance of enhancing my knowledge and my sense of responsibility not only by studying regular courses, but also by participating in different careers.

[...]
sa1na   
Oct 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / As the essential resource for people's lives, easier prepared food means easier to improve our lives [3]

lives, all the actions of animals - you need to revise it somehow : 1. lives since all the actions of animal 2. lives: all the actions of animals

all the actions of animals need food to offer energy that for them to think and live - all animals need food offering them energy for living and thinking and being active.

Firstly , food is fundamental essential for animals, including humans,to live.for subsistence/font]
which is was very dangerous for them to live in that age without relatively stronger defensive abilityies
were in a very slow pace
the modern times
have become more and more
arouse their abilityies as humanbeingsbutand not as other ordinary animals.
countries were hardlystruggling to prepare food,
People were findingseeking for the food and living for the food all the time, (not a good sentence and also excessive)
adequate amount of food
easier prepared food means easier condition to improve our lives.

Hope it helps
sa1na   
Oct 6, 2014
Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

X University provides its students the freedom to pursue majors and minors within and across the different schools and colleges of the University. In no more than two paragraphs, discuss your academic goals and how X University would help you achieve them. (250 word limit - no minimum)

I cannot precisely illustrate how I see myself when looking into what lies ahead. I want it to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional -like others, and I never wanted a normal life -just working to earn money, and living a life that would not have a great purpose or influence on others' lives or on the entire world. Admittedly, there are lots of people picturing the same way; however, what makes me different is my enthusiasm and sureness. I know what subjects I am fascinated by, which are computer, programming, and also psychology.

[...]
sa1na   
Oct 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / How is energy wasted in school? [2]

is a necessity and essential to modern life - I believe this has a slight grammatical problem- either you should change the necessity to necessary or add an is before essential

lower pressure to the environment by consuming less energy. (this is the reason for being energy efficient, no need to mention this sentence again)
the using of lights to more than what is required to light up the
in campus, resulting to more in need of charging their gadgets
for new updates, or finish requirements
running appliances without anyone usingusing them
fee decrease , but also lessens the damage to the environment brought

Hope it hellped
sa1na   
Oct 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Wheat exports [2]

, from 1985 to 1990,andwhich
It is noticeable that the total of wheat exports in the three countries fluctuated - the sentence is ok; however, you can revise it to be better this way : The total weat's fluctuation in the three countries is noticable; however,

Australiaexportation as the lowest exporter was 15 million tonnes
In any case (not suitable for here)Additionaly, the amount of wheat exports in Australia experienced a slow downward until the end of period.
sa1na   
Oct 3, 2014
Undergraduate / Nigeria, the most populous land in Africa - 'Challenges faced by my country' [2]

You have lost the control of the first sentence :)
Nigeria, the most populous country in Africa, is one of the leading oil producing countries in the world and largely blessed with other mineral resources, yet the majority of the population lives in poverty, with about 70% of its people living below one dollar daily sallary? .

power supply, due to the failure to provide necessary

tofor the education sector in economic policies,

-wow, lots of commas!!
Furthermore, the rate of environment pollution in the country is alarming, the human life is grossly exposed to hazardous pollutants such as Carbon monoxide, the excessive accumulation of which duplicates the Ozone layer thereby exposing ultraviolet rays that cause skin burn.of which the exessive accumulation duplicates the ..

improving the standards of living

This is The area of education empowerment to which I hope to pay more attention

to, in order to

pollutants, as well as the development of new equipment and techniques to reduce pollutant.

The last sentence is somehow arrogant. It is good to state your self-assurance and also provide a guarantee of being a perfect candidate for the scholarship. However, I believe you should think of stating it another way.

BTW, be careful when using commas. Some sentences would look better just by a simple dot.
sa1na   
Oct 3, 2014
Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]

Revised (not completely, but so much)

How can I be indifferent walking in the street, seeing all those children endeavoring to sell a very cheap thing? Since my childhood, though not being passionate or sensitive at all -which I still am not, I always felt a a sense of responsibility when seeing those children. Nowadays, one of my hundreds activities is to be a part of the Child Labor NGO community. I use my fluency in English to translate important news in order to enhance people's and community member's knowledge about the issue; what these children need is not money, but is the people's perception. There are lots of researches that cannot be used in the way of developing these children's conditions just since they are in English while community members mostly are not familiar with English.

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