Undergraduate / "In drawing and in economics" - Transfer for Art and Economics [2]

^Well, as a 'last minute' suggestion, I would suggest removing all of this. Therefore, your reader can start reading from the paragraph that directly explains why you want to transfer; the reader can get to the point more directly and quickly.

Your reasons for transferring seem fairly strong and well-researched, by the way.

Undergraduate / Asian Studies-Gender Studies-Art-Yale transfer [2]


^Do not understand how quality of life is ephemeral...


^always?


^Perhaps you can remove this. If you knew it was perfect, then there is no need to transfer?

It seems that you have done some good research on Yale's programs, to be honest.

Hopefully other people shall contribute to this essay so that it, can also become a piece of art (Lame wordplay, yes.)

Undergraduate / "promising marketing career, computer software, engineering" - transfer to NY college [4]

Had a skim read. Seems alright. There are some obvious grammar errors, which you should be able to rectify upon proof reading.
Perhaps you can develop on what your academic, professional and personal goals are in more detail? (If you have the word space)

Hopefully, others shall help you with this.

Good luck man

Undergraduate / Why I want to be a doctor and what are my skills/accomplishments. [4]


^Very cliched starter. Capable of boring a reader immediately.


^You make a claim of a passion that supposedly grew. Nothing that proceeds your claim does anything to support it.
If you make such a grand claim, its always good to support it. Otherwise, it just stands as a claim.


^Again, more claims. What proof do you have that you are very competitive, and have a tendency to overachieve? Is this just in your opinion, or is there a way of actually proving that you actually have these qualities? If it is the former, you are doing little to promote your modesty.


^How are you an active person and appreciate social activities? Playing piano, reading, and watching movies are not necessarily social activities. And going to a swimming lesson is different from swimming as a means of competitive/physical activity.

Ill just leave it at there. You appear to be very academic, which is great. But you make claims that need to be supported.
It is like me saying that my father invented the question mark. (Stole the joke off Austin Powers, yes).
As far as it stands, it is just a claim that my father invented the question mark. No one cares. People would rather be presented with proof that my father invented the question mark. Hope you get my point

Good luck dude

Undergraduate / Physics and Computer Science -- caltech Supplemenent [3]

You have submitted it. No need to be fussed, nor worried anymore
Good luck

Undergraduate / CUHK, planning to study Public Health in college, China experience ("why essay") [3]


^
Hi. Personally, if it is just American culture, how is there cultural diversity? Surely diversity refers to a range?


^^Remove


^Examples can help

Overall, I think it is decent. Some work can make it even better

Graduate / (research in the field of composite materials) This is my SOP. [2]


^I personally do not believe the need to laud the fact that you went to a boarding school for ''gifted'' children or that you went to one of the ''biggest'' universities in Iran. One of the biggest literally means nothing, because it is not THE biggest, so I personally believe it is quite useless to even bring that point up.


^
I stopped reading here. Hopefully others shall be able to help you.
Whilst the first sentence does have an obvious grammar error, ''very interesting'' could either be omitted or elaborated on.

What makes you think that you were the only student who could publish a ''strong'' paper?

Graduate / "the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing" -need help with sop writting [3]


^^Might I suggest completely removing all of what I have quoted.
Furthermore, I dislike your use of cliches in the opening sentences. Phrases such as ''reach the summit'' ''benefit human life'' and ''quench my thirst for knowledge'' annoy me because they are boring and have been used countless times before. Imagine how the Admissions staff might feel when they have to come across those ineffective phrases.

Graduate / "to pursue retail management" - Human Resources Grad Admission [3]


^Personally, I think this can be removed.

Also, you resort to an informal sense of writing. I suggest implementing formality in your writing piece.

I hope other people take a look at this and help you out Brett.

Undergraduate / Qatar, Middle East - Describe the world you come from .. "what shaped my dreams" [2]


^Right. The first sentence is highly subjective and not necessarily true. Also, ''different'' and ''unique''..to what?
Also, I fail to see how pointing out that you went to a public independent school, let alone mentioning that it is ''one of the best'', is of any importance. If it is one of the best, the Unis that you are applying to will know this (Assuming that your and their understanding of ''best'' in terms of schooling is mutual)


^What motivated you Faisal...?


^Right....Its great to see that you are a proud Muslim, but is there a reason you are mentioning this? Because right now, it just seems that you are mentioning that you are a proud Muslim for no reason.

To be honest, I personally see no reason for this entire paragraph.


^You abbreviate too often here. I would suggest not abbreviating. At all.
Also, earlier you pride the multitudes of cultures in Qatar, and here, you say that there is not enough (to promote English).


^Literally of this is just a giant cliche.
Also, the whole ''success'' thing can be removed in my opinion.
Effectively, your entire conclusion needs to be reworked.

My two fils Faisal

Undergraduate / "Church and Family"-UC prompt 1, "Being Observant"-UC prompt 2 [3]


^This is not related to how this aspect of your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.


^This is all quite cliched and hence, boring. I suggest removing it, or finding a better way to write it.

Writing Feedback / Sex Trafficking, an issue of international significance [3]


^It is fairly well spoken about and fairly well publicized in my opinion.
O, and your punctuation in the first sentence needs to be worked on.
*This is just the first sentence, and it already quite problematic.

Undergraduate / "my own unique and irreplaceable personality" - FSU Application Essay [3]


^Cliché. Vague.


^An example of how you do this would be helpful.

Your opening sentences are enough to bore a reader, such as myself.
Work on a more engaging opening, for starters.

Good luck x

Undergraduate / This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film [12]

The soft cushioned chairs, the light smell of popcorn and the mesmerizing screen. This is my escape, my chance to leave the world of violence, sadness and difficulty outside. For those 2 hours I am immersed in a whole new world: The world of Film.

This is
I am immersed
^Is this a routine ritual, or something that happened once in the past?

Now this was a cute dream at nine, but as I grew older I realized that the dream of being in the movies had transformed. I realized in high school when I first saw Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi that I did not just want to be "in" the movies I wanted to create them. I wanted to hold that shiny new camera, I wanted to call out directions, and I wanted to create the angles most directors only dreamed of. Most of all I wanted to create something that would inspire someone, anyone to find their dream.

^First sentence is unnecessarily cliched for my liking.
Second sentence revision: In high school, when I first saw Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi, I realized that I did not want to be in movies. Rather, I realized that I want to create movies.

3rd sentence: Did you want to, in the past? Or do you still want to do those things?
4th sentence: The same thing applies to ''wanted'' once again. Creating ''something'' is vague whereas creating a ''movie'' is specific.

My parents had always been adamant that I earn a degree. As the youngest of three girls my sisters left little hope that we would be attending a graduation ceremony in the near future. When my dad retired after twenty years with the VA hospital and numerous moves we finally returned home to Texas. In this time I attended twelve schools in twelve years. Making friends was hardly worth the effort and my main focus became school and I graduated in the top twenty-five percent of my class. I never dreamed that college would be out of reach when I graduated high school but when my dad became disabled and unable to work I left my acceptance to the University of Texas at San Antonio behind and continued working full time while attending Northwest Vista Community College. For the next eight years my only concern was applying to the Radio/Television and Film school of the University of Texas at Austin. Each class selected was purposely chosen to coincide with UT's requirements. I watched as all of my high school classmates completed their degrees and walked the stage. I vowed to be the first member of my family to graduate from a major University with a Bachelor's Degree.

^Personally, I found this boring.

My purpose is to accomplish my dream of finishing college, earning my degree and inspiring others with the films I plan to create

^Revise grammar parallelism

As a Mexican-American I have watched films that portray people of my heritage in a negative light. The stereotypical images on screen are solely of gang members, drug dealers or prison inmates. Oddly enough very few Latino characters are portrayed as college graduates. As I struggled to continue to attend school while working full time I now know why Latinos are portrayed in film this way. When you have very little money and works fulltime to survive, it is easy to let school slide to the back burner if not completely off the stove!

^The first four sentences are, what Id consider to be, fairly controversial generalisations.
Your final sentence's simile is rather ineffective in my opinion (I dont get it)
Furthermore, the pronoun ''you'' in this context is incorrect.

I want to become a part of the film industry not only to change the negative view of minorities in film but to also change the view of Latinos in this world.

^Perhaps, you can give an example of how you can do this? Its one thing to make a big claim. Its another thing to know how to live up to that claim.

Undergraduate / An example of introduction to the instructor - correct way of writing? [5]

You have not posted an essay, or any body of text, apart from the essay title.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps motivational essay (why you are interested in joining the Peace Corp [4]

In terms of content, I do not quite see your material as particularly convicing.
Your examples and statements are fairly abstract and general, rather than concrete and personal.
My two cents.

Graduate / 'my career as a Visual Artist' - Statement of Purpose for Graphic Design Course [8]


^I think you can do with removing this. It is fairly cliched and not particularly informative or convincing enough to make you a strong applicant for consideration, in my opinion.


^First sentence is practical. You can d with removing the second sentence however.
I dont see how you acn ''ímply'''your studies.
How do these experiences relate to your course though? Id advise making the connection stronger and suggest how you can transfer any skills you have developed to the course you are applying for.


^I do not quite understand the point you are making in the second sentence.


^Your first sentence is just a generalization and misuses pronouns.
Knowledge and understanding...of what?
communicate and adverstise...what?
A fairly unclear paragraph.


^
On top of a graphics chart???
how is a well established instituion?
your last sentence needs grammar revision.

I am assuming that you are applying to the Central Arts of London in that case.
I suggest being more specific about your graphics course and how you expect to benefit from the course , how you are suited for the program and Uni, and why you feel that you should study there.

Undergraduate / Becoming a Cardiovascular Surgeon - VCU Personal Statement Help [3]

^The first sentence is not required.
In regards to the second sentence, what makes the school 'prestigious' with an 'excellent' program. Flattery is cool, but can be fairly unconvincing as well.

The third sentence is..meh?


^This is a personal experience, but I fail to see how this relates to the essay prompt which is asking you why you are choosing VCU.


^This chunk also fails to specify the reasons why you have chosen VCU.
It would seem that from this essay prompt, you are not required to narrate a story or a personal experience as much as you are to discuss why you want to study at VCU and why you feel that is a college that suits you.

Undergraduate / "I am a dreamer." - BU 3 words to describe myself supplement essay [3]


^What makes you so sure that 'most' people do not know who they are. And you are only believing. Beliefs can be false.

^It is nice to see you compliment yourself so strongly, however for the most part, you use subjective claims and you do not provide any thing that can actually support your claim and make others, such as myself, actually believe you. For example, can you give me an instance of how you ALWAYS have new goals for yourself and rarely think something is impossible. Also, having hopes is wonderful but priding yourself on being unrealistic is not a strong selling point.

Furthermore, I fail to see how just staying at home by yourself supports your claim of being autonomous and you always shall be.
Your examples are very weak and fail to support your bold claims on your personal strengths. This applies for your whole essay.

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]


^
Do you not even know what topics of HR management interest you and which ones you want to research?

Undergraduate / Psychology Undergrad: Work Experience as Laser tech [4]

I thought the content was quite good. I just did not like the final sentence, because I am sure you can come up with a more effective finale.

Undergraduate / interest in interactive media - University Entrance Essay [3]

There are a number of grammatical errors in your essay that should be corrected.
But the more important matter at hand is that you fail to mention

Scholarship / Need help in ideas for financial aid scholarship [4]


^This is a personal question that requires your personal opinion to be expressed.

What do you mean, by

Undergraduate / Why OSU? Hard work, resources and research facilities [5]


^I personally find this opening rather cliched. How did such events lead you to decide on a career in finance and economics? In fact, why would such events lead you to decide on a career in finance and economics? Perhaps an explanation on how such events led to your interest in finance and economics would support your claim.

EDIT:

*For the most part, your essay is generally cliched and contains a bit of unnecessary and irrelevant information. Just say why you want to study at Ohio State, how will it help you if you studied there, and what makes Ohio State special for you.

Undergraduate / "I wanted to be a boy" - U of Wisconsin statement [12]


^Everything read fine until here.
How is the grass greener on the other side? What exactly are you talking about?
I think this whole paragraph is quite ineffective actually. I do not quite understand the point you are trying to make.


^I guess you are sharing a perspective.
However, I am not entirely sure what your perspective is, even though the essay started off on an interesting ntoe.

Are you trying to say that you wish you were a boy, (even just for a day-Beyonce song), but you have come to terms with the fact that you are a girl.

You do not discuss how you learnt this and what made you realize this.

Scholarship / being somebody constructive in the world - Why do I deserve this scholarship? [3]


^Lame cliche.


^Gramma is quite poor.
First impression=Poor

What makes you a good college student? You have not answered this succintly.
Instead, tyohe body of your essay is focused on you discussing a class and why you liked it.

Essays / Argumentative Essay on ADHD [4]

So whats your thesis then?

Undergraduate / Growing up in Art, and Grade Stress ~ UCF prompts [3]


^Can a family history consist of blood?


^United States?


^Does not make sense. The first clause does, but whatever proceeds it does not.


^Where is this coming from?


^You were learning about Twain and Orwell, before you could stand?


^How are your views unique exactly?


^Yea, there is nothing in your second paragraph that conveys the fact that you were unable to live or that you were dieing, or on the verge of dieing.

Graduate / Marketing and Brand management masters programme in Lund University, letter [5]


^The third sentence is constructed poorly.
The fourth one is also awkwardly expressed.
What was a marketing position?

I found your essay quite boring, quite possibly due to the way in which you wrote the letter.
Is there an essay prompt?

Undergraduate / "Indefinite Growth" - Texas A&M - My Answer to Essay B [5]

Well, first impression is that the read itself is quite boring.
Also, is just 'reading a book' an issue of importance to you?

Undergraduate / I absolutely love the notion of diverse community; U Maryland College [3]


^This is just a general cliche. it is boring. it sucks. Remove


^How can there be no color? Did no one practice religion at all??
Obviously if you are the only minority, people may find you interesting. They may think you are different, or an 'alien' as you put it, because in effect you are. This does not mean that these people do not appreciate diversity. in fact, the fact that they were 'fascinated' only suggests that they are interested in diversity and want to know more. if these people ignored you, or discriminated against you, that defies diversity.


^Polish your grammar in this section.

Yea, in fact your grammar suffers in the whole of the last paragraph.


^You also do not answer the prompt properly.

Graduate / Statement of Intent - Master os Sci.Programm in Hospitality [4]


^How does being caring and creative, draw you to hotel management and hospitality?

instead of providing a life story, perhaps you should consider discussing why you are interested in your academic field, why you feel the need to pursue higher education, why you would like to study at the Uni you are applying to, and how the Uni suits your personality and interests.

This is a personal statement afterall.

Undergraduate / Application to Summer Program (@MIT, process similar to MIT application) [3]

is this an extra-cirricular or hobby?

Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]


^Well, it so happened that i was online around the same time that you decided to post the thread and that it was an unanswered one that to. You lucky person you! Lol


^You dont have to. its just what i thought about your essay. if you are comfortable with your essay, you neednt change it.


^Well, i thought that you were building up to a moment where you perhaps, just EXPLODED at the teacher for ignoring your views and considering them invalid. i thought that your essay was going to be a discussion on how insights should not be discredited and that parochial views just cause resentment and dislike, and how this has taught you about open-mindedness.

i thought that was the direction your essay was heading in, but clearly, it did not end up there.

Anyways, good luck with your app.

Undergraduate / "You are perfect just the way you are" - Villanova lesson i have learned [8]

i would not say 'remove it', as much as id suggest that you 'improve it'.

A conclusion can help. An effective conclusion can help a lot.

Undergraduate / Transcripts from Community College Courses- Stanford [2]

Ask Stanford?

if you are applying as a transfer, id imagine theyd want a transcript as soon as possible. Judging from the thread however, i assume you are applying as a freshman.

Therefore, perhaps your latest college transcript needs to be sent with your Mid-Report? Or as soon as it is made available?
i am not too sure on this, but id definetely like to know the answer because its an interesting question.

Worse comes to worse, just call and ask Stanford. if no one else on this site knows, and you happen to find out by yourself, post the answer here? it shall serve a helpful purpose for candidates who find themselves in a similar position :)

x

Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]

it starts off fine.

^After that paragraph, including the one that i have just quoted, your essay becomes boring. The personal narrative shifts to just a more general overtone.


^i found all of this boring. Perhaps because it is a bit cliched in my opinion.
i was expecting an interesting altercation between yourself and the teacher, and how this taught you a a lesson that is worth sharing with others.

What you have provided, in my opinion, is just too general and not interesting. This is just my opinion however.
i guess the 'overcoming a challenge' concept is good, however i disagree with the way you chose to discuss it in some of the last paragraphs.

Graduate / LSE- Grad Adm Essay on Development - rate my intro & Conclusion! [4]


^is that your interpretation of an 'ah-ha' moment? Mine is different. Therefore, your use of the pronoun 'we' is too general and broad, because clearly we have different understandings on what an 'ah-ha' moment is.


^its quite unclear as to what it is you are trying to say here. Revise your expression and grammar, so that your meaning can become clearer.


^i question your use of the word 'barren'. What image are you trying to create here?; what do you mean?


^This clause should not be seperated by a comma.


^How did you get, this 'insatiable desire to learn.'


^is sustainable development and the role of gender in childhood education related to an '


?
i would not have thought so. Therefore, i do not see the reason as to why you would mention your 'insatiable desire to learn' about something that is not directly related to your academic interests (i presume microfinance and energy procurement is an academic interest of yours, since you have stated that that interest has led you to apply to LSE)


^Then why would you want to study at a classroom in LSE?


^You actually presented the girls and women in the village as victims and not as women with chances.

*Clearly, there are a number of points that need to be addressed
-You do not say why you are applying to LSE, and how an educational institute such as LSE can help you professionally, academically or both.

-You do not clearly discuss an interest in academic program, the reasons for your interest and an explanation as to why you would like to pursue your interest at LSE.

^(Assuming this is a personal statement that you are writing)

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]


^Before i read on, what is 'accuracy' based on? What needs to be 'accurate'?

Undergraduate / Common Application Main Essay: Call me bro (topic of my choice) [3]


^You would say 'i need help!' becuase you needed him. What is there not to know about why you did that?

Youve got an interesting ending. However, the earlier parts of your essay suffer from grammatical errors, coupled with many wordy and some redundant sentences, which in effect dulled the essay.

improve the narrative slightly by making it more engaging. i understand that this is hard to do, but remove sentences that are merely superfluous. Remove sentences that attempt to be overly dramatic. Remove sentences that are just building on a point made in the previous sentence, as well as the sentence before that one.

Make it more concise.
Also, your introduction is not very engaging in my opinion and instead i found it rather trite.
Good luck man.