Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]


^Actually I am :P


^Alright, with the VERY FIRST LINE, I can see a bit of an oxymoron, although not a very clever one. How can something be prepared without thinking about it?

By acknowledging your own preparation, you are thinking about it. Perhaps you dont give any thought in your preparation, however that is not what you implied.

People would always sayask , "Michelle, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the answer was always the same: a doctor. However, as I grew older and wiser I realized that maybe that wasn't the best career choice for me and began thinking about what I really wanted to do with my life.

-*Wiser?
-Should be 'was not'
-Do with my life? That suggests that your current life is in a state is in a mess.

That's when I stumbled upon pharmacy.
^A bit too convenient for an admissions essay.

I realized that I could still do something in the medical field without having to actually be a doctor. I truly believe that my academic potential, integrity, and work ethic will allow me to achieve this goal of mine at UM-Flint.

^The last three qualities are supposed to be defined in this essay. Just repeating the essay question does far from good.

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a 3.93 GPA and achieved a 28 on the ACT.
^Readers dont need to know this. This shows academic achievement, rather than your academic potential.

While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face. On top of all that, I am a Varsity Cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society.

^'On top of all that'? It suggests that you think that you have done so much, and MORE, and you really need to show it off..

I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school. I believe that I can reach my fullest potential at UM-Flint because of its commitment to excellence and achievement.

^Well, maintaining a high GPA at college is not necessarily the same as having had a high GPA at high school. How does UM-Flint have such commitment by the way?

My personal integrity is top notch.
^Please.

I believe in always telling the truth, no matter how bad it is. I always try my hardest and never settle for cheating my way through something. The best example of my personal integrity is one day at work I found $100 laying on the floor. Instead of picking it up and keeping it, I set it up front for the rightful owner to claim. It would have been extremely easy for me to keep it and act like I never saw it, but my conscious would not let me.

^This definitely does not imply that your integrity is 'top notch'. Top notch is a bit too strong of a word and it seems you flattered yourself a bit too much.

When I start a project, I finish it. I do not settle for "almost done" or "second best" work. I always try my hardest at everything I do, even when the going gets tough.

^Example should be given.

Being a Varsity Cheerleader has helped me improve my work ethic. I realized that I may not always be the best person on the mat, but if I work hard enough I can improve and become the best.

^The best? Really?

After our first competition, we realized that many schools were out of our league and we felt as though we couldn't compete with them. However, our coach wouldn't let us give up and made us keep practicing even nobody wanted to.

^This is your coach that kept pushing you, not yourself. This completely contradicts your earlier sentence...

After many hours of pain, sweat, and even tears we went to Regionals and were able to compete with the best. We may not have won that day, or even advanced to States, but we did beat all our other scores and proved to ourselves that by never giving up improvement is possible.

Undergraduate / Columbia Scholastic Press Association - UC Prompt #1 Essay [3]

I personally think you do not answer the question at all.

'Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.'

^Instead, you talk about your time on a rollercoaster ride and then tell us about your imaginative power, which I assume is quite over rated seeing the amount of thoughtful imagination that went into this essay.

You do not talk about how this world you come from has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Quite frankly, you do not answer the essay prompt in my opinion.

Revise.

Undergraduate / Stanford's Secondary (medical) [4]

Earlier, I was never that great a fan of your essays.
This is definitely your strongest and is quite a good essay. Great job.


^I think you should say California based Universities

Good stuff man.

Undergraduate / Beijing Huijia Private School - My commonapp Personal statement [6]


Your essay is too long. I am almost discouraged from reading it just because I can how long it is.

Also, you make grammar mistakes.

CherishingHaving cherished the dream of establishing the first academic club in Huijia Private school, I and my three other friends and I entered the D ean's office to apply for permission to set up an economics club. Yet what we received was the dean's gentle objection

After a long discussion, our four friendswe burned the night oil to scheme a detailed "blueprint" for the economics club with both short-term and long-term goals.

^Those are just some examples.


^Umm, if you can hardly explain your feeling, then why do you??

*Also, what exactly is your essay title?
Furthermore, you seem to have quoted too many people. Find an efficient way of expressing these people?
Also, you go way to in depth about organizing the Economics club and the tests etc, when I assume the main focus of your essay is that presentation you gave?

What is the main part of your essay? Having organized the club, having given that presentation..what? From there, it will be easier to see which parts can be cut out, what can stay, and what should be removed.

Undergraduate / "Perseverance"- UF Application Essay [5]

This had never happened before and no one on the team had any idea of what to do, including me
^You already say that no one on the team. Readers can understand that this included you, therefore you do not have to state the obvious.

"5, 6, 7, 8", I shouted loudly enough for the music director to herehear so he could start the music again.


^Any difficult situation? Sounds a bit exaggerated to me.

I also understand now how to learn from my mistakes.
^What mistakes did you make in that performance? This seems to be a bit of a random point...

*I doubt you have to include the last paragraph, because the essay prompt requires 'a meaningful experience' etc.

*Basically, from what I can gather, you can say that how this experience has taught you how to work in a team under non foreseen circumstances, and how you can take charge of this team and motivate them to work and deliver...

If you do decide to go with the card I have just laid out for you, please, dont come off as pretentious. Say it modestly.

Good luck x

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend Pratt? (personal statement) [7]

Wow this is long and I only read your two paragraphs.

I think you go into waaaaaaaaaaay too much detail on how much you like, and have liked, art. Whilst this can be important in your essay, I doubt that the depth that you cover this in is remotely necessary.

The essay prompt is basically asking you why you want to attend Pratt. Y
Yes, I believe that you can prove how much you like art.
The more important thing to address however, is why you would like to study art at Pratt and how studying art there will be beneficial and helpful to you. What do you expect to learn from there, and how do you plan on benefiting from what the University has to offer.

Revise your essay first and post a concise version, removing all of the superfluous information. It will make the job of revision for people on this site easier.

Undergraduate / "love the game of baseball" - Issue of importance [4]

Well, I agree that there is no rule as such. That is why I thought I should make it clear that I was making a suggestion.

It is my personal belief that in college essays, one should refrain from starting a sentence with 'but'. I believe those who can get away with starting a sentence with 'but', are those on an actual professional level. I think that as a college student, one should find a more sophisticated alternative. Then again, these are only my beliefs and it will be interesting to read what the Moderators have to say on the subject.


^It did not come off as particularly stylistic here.

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]


^You seem to be quite ignorant of the fact that the GPA you can maintain at high school does not necessarily require the same amount of hard work it does in college. It should require more. So in turn, there is no guarantee that you will be able to do all of these tasks simultaneously, or at least do as well in all of them as you have done now.

Also, how does small classes and devoted faculty help anyone reach one's full potential? These grand claims are far from impressive.

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


Yea. My suggestion may have been awkward because I was working on an already awkwardly expressed sentence.


It is not as much an analogy as it is just a quotation. It's usefulness is highly debatable. Also, inserting quotations in essays has become rather lame in my opinion.


^Yes, UM is not expecting this at all.
In my case? Actually I have met all of these ethnic groups and not just people from different parts of Asia. Unless, you were referring to tiantian lawlzz

Anyways, sentences like these really 'annoyed me':

'Now, no matter where I go, I always serve as a cultural ambassador that assimilates the essence of every civilization and combine them with my own background.'

^Just because tiantian has seen five other Asian countries, does that mean that she can go to Saudi Arabia, or Finland, and serve as a cultural ambassador? No.

I do agree with you that this experience can offer 'cultural maturity', but unlike you, I think most people do have it. You see Indian and Chinese people everywhere; they are ubiquitous ;). Tiantian has not said what the other four ethnic groups were, but I presume that these ethnic groups are also found in most of the countries abroad.

Like I said earlier, I fail to see how meeting with five other kids from five other Asian countries, and eating a dumpling with a bit of curry and an English drink (which is not even Asian, therefore is not a sample of any of those Asian kid's culture) allows tiantian to think that she is so multicultural. I just think her claims are a bit too bold. That is all.

Graduate / What do you consider your most significant life achievement (travel to Pakistan) [4]


^I think that can be cut out.

I am not sure if there is a word limit, but there is a considerable lack of depth and development. As Simone said, there can be much more drama and color.

I personally think that there should be some expansion and more detail given to describe perhaps, the atmosphere and the general sentiments of the people there. Perhaps, you can describe how you motivated and what you did that allows you to consider yourself a 'leader'.

Your essay is just a bit basic, because it is just sentence after sentence with no expressed feeling. There is no life to this essay...

Undergraduate / "little incidents" - tell us about someone who has made an impact on thinking [7]


^All of this quite frankly, can go. It is quite unlikely that as you were four years old, to seven years old, you kept hearing the word diversity. Also, the lack of established time frame completely weakens your introduction. When did you think that etc? Just remove all of this...

*Your second paragraph is in need of serious grammar revision if you want it to be truly effective.


Yea, you can remove that as well. Also, this paragraph needs grammar revision as well.

Your conclusion is weak and ineffective. Revise it.

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


I knew that. I thought the 'lawlz' made it clear.


I never said that the topic is not fine. I merely commented on the grand statements that have been made.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay #1/Skating [6]

Here I go again, preparing to hurl my body though the air. During the approach I hear nothing but blood pumping through my veins; there is a faint ache in my legs; I push through the discomfort, step forward, and breathe deep. Hold the edge and jump; feet tight, arms in, body still, foot down, and pull out strong. Success! I worked two years for this fleeting moment of accomplishment - seven seconds from start to finish - landing a double axel. Predawn practices before school, more practices after school, late night show practices, and competitions across the eastern seaboard.

^All of that should be in past tense.

All the hours spent training ultimately led to competitions, and from my first experience, I was hooked. The beautiful dress, the opportunity to perform a routine that I had spent months refining, and the thrill of winning a medal was an allure that a five year old couldn't resist. Competing became the reason to train and winning seemed to come easily for the first few years.(Daunting music swells)

^Hmm, dramatic effect ay?

Then came Hillsborough, NC. Sure, I had occasionally fallen during a competition program. However, that day I fell three times during a two and a half minute program, which felt like itas if it had for lasted two and a half hours.I was mortified. I found inner strength that I didn't think I possessed.

^Mortified. Then suddenly inner strength? The transition between these two opposite qualities is very sudden, and very ineffectively expressed.

I kept getting up, smiling at the judges, and continuingcontinued to skate until I reached the end of the program. From that experience I learned that there are two concurrent competitions; one against the other skaters, and the other against myself; I couldn't truly be beaten unless I allowed myself to give up. At that instant I understood how important it was to keep my composure even when things weren't going my way and that when you've been knocked down, you don't stay down. You push yourself to complete your goal, have pride in the job you've done and refuse to allow a low score to batter your confidence.

^Not really a big fan of the sudden shift in pronoun from 'I' to 'you.

"Are you going to the Olympics?...
So, here I go again: step forward, breathe deep, hold the edge and jump; feet tight, arms in, body still, foot down, and pull out strong. Sometimes no matter how perfect the jump is in the air, I fall, but of course I get up and try it once again. From skating I learned that with hard work, self-discipline, perseverance, and dedication I could do anything. More importantly, I learned to believe in myself, and my ability to be successful at anything I put my mind to.

*That paragraph I scratched and highlighted in red....Some parts of it is beautifully written. However, I do not see how it is relevant to your significant experience, or what you have learnt from your significant experience (You do not tie it in at all)

*In reference to your conclusion, did you learn that from you life of skating, or from that one experience in which you had fallen in front of the judges repeatedly?

Undergraduate / University of Texas - Austin, Transfer Applicant (Important issue - My Mother) [8]

My mother has always been the most influential and important person in my life. There are not many things I have not learned solely from her wise words while growing up. I grew up without a father, but I can say that whenever I felt a father's absence, my mother was there every time to take his place. Her efforts on giving me the best she could are something I never in my life have taken for granted, but they are also something I don't think I have duly valued as much as I do today.

^I removed trite phrases.

As a kid, my mother let me sleep or linger against her chest. She would always tell me the same exact phrase whenever I asked why she couldn't, "Because that's my boo-boo Kevin!"

^Couldnt what?? Given the context, I assume it is something to do with her breasts?

There were times when it would hurt my feelings becausethat the only parent I had could not hold me in her arms, and then , . as I grew older I realized that it really was her surgery that kept her from holding me all those years.

^There is no time frame here, so how old were you when you realized this?

It was the small things like this which my mother would take the time to explain to me that eventually led me toadmire the mother-father status I would see her as.

My experiences with my mother while growing up, learning to appreciate her contributions to my quality of life and her ensuring my success,as well as living closely with her through cancer over the past year have led me to assess my mother's health an important issue in my life. She has taught, or given me the opportunity to learn, every moral and a common sense I know about life as I see it today.

^Every moral? Morals are questionable and subjective to beliefs, so I do not suggest including this in.

**This is a personal essay which is great. You tend to repeat your points, in slightly different expressions. Do not do this, because we as readers can get the point the first time.

Also, what is the essay prompt, an influential person or an important issue?
If it is the latter, Id assume that the important issue is the loss of your mother and her battle with cancer, therefore you can afford to lose out all of the details of your relationship with her and have more space to discuss your mother and her cancer and make the essay more powerful...

Undergraduate / "It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay [16]


Yes. It needs a fair bit of editing in your part. Make sure that the tenses are parallel and remove words that do neither good nor bad to your essay.


Well,

for starters

Part of me felt burdened by the heart-wrenching sight of seeing a child unable to open his lunchbox or tie his shoes, yet the other part of me just felt a true compassion towards that child,and. instead of continuing my work of setting the chairs up orand helping clean, I stopped what I was doing and followed my immediate impulse to help that child.

^You need to break your sentences down a tad bit.

Undergraduate / Musical audition - common app 1 [4]

When I got to this point:
'"What's the worst that could happen?" I thought as images of the judges wincing in pain or bursting out with laughter darted through my mind.'

^I already knew where the essay was heading.
Basically, in the earlier and later portions of your essay, I already had a sense of what you were going to discuss. Therefore, you can remove sentences that endorse that you are good in academics and that you were nervous about theater. The point was made the first time, and a further expansion on it is unnecessary.

An example


^You already told us this before.

Your essay is also in need of some tweaking in terms of grammar.

Undergraduate / Common App - Topic of Your Choice (Willie Jack) [4]

Well if this is a topic of your choice, and the essay is titled after your dog, you do not go into any depth about Wille Jack. You discuss him in the first eight lines but he is then forgotten about it.


^Well this is a topic of your choice. The Admissions Board also seek originality and creativity, both of which are applied in this essay but the latter has not demonstrated effectively enough in my opinion.

Also, this essay can show the Admissions Committee about the author's personality, but I think that this essay digresses from topic to do this effectively.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]


^Actually, a college degree does not aid in an unending search for knowledge, seeing as how college degrees are typically limited to four years of undergraduate study...


^Well, this begins to get off point. This does not answer the essay question at hand.

You really need to cover a lot more depth in this essay. It is very basic and I presume you understand this as well.

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]


^She never said it would. It is a topic that she will be discussing in her CommonApp essay.


^I do not think it is 'good', regardless if the Admissions people can relate to it or not. I think it is not good, because quite frankly, it is boring and ineffective. Gabrielle assumes that we as readers know nothing about diabetes and decides to lecture us on it. The other suggestions are applicable, but talia, there is no prompt therefore it can not really be answered :)


^Yes, even I was quite disappointed when I looked at 'My Threads section' and saw that that was the type of comment Gabriele posted.


^Well, perhaps now that you do know, you can demonstrate that you do know this by posting either, detailed, useful, or informative feedback, on somebody else's essay?

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]


^I do not quite understand your analogy Lamapoop.
Kaleb, getting a college degree can open doors. However, the extent to which it will help you participate in medicinal research to 'save lives' is debatable. Also, you are implying that having a college degree can certainly get you into graduate school and also attain a PHD degree. Realize that getting into graduate school requires more than just a college degree, and so does earning a PHD degree. Failure to acknowledge this simply shows a lack of mature understanding in regards to your future.

Undergraduate / UT austin personal essay A, but to write about family is little cliche.. [8]

Also remember that cliche topics tend to be written in cliche manners. Even if you decide to go with what many consider a cliche topic, such as writing about your mother or father, if you can express this influence in engaging writing, this should detract from the cliche concept and should in fact make your essay interesting. If however you believe that your level of writing can not accomplish this, then revise the reasons as to why that person has been so influential on you. Consider UNIQUE reasons, rather than the common ones that are likely to be found in similar essays answering the exact same prompt. It becomes a cliche when it is overused to the point it just becomes lame.

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


^His age does not matter to be honest. Even if he has seen dead insects before, the writer has used the giant simile in the earlier paragraph, and readers understand that that the writer actually understands death with lifelessness, because the writer was responsible for it and can see it. Even if it was not the first time, readers can easily understand how this death actually means something. For example lamapoop, you may have been four and seen loads of insects that you did not care for, dead. If however, your favorite pet died when you were the same age, that death would be a lot more impactful.


^Lamapoop, I am not sure what is your approach to reading these essays, but not every essay has to be with a principle you can identify with and you believe can be applied to life. People learn and understand life lessons differently. I do agree that the writer here has not addressed how she has been impacted by this event.

I do not mean to be rude here, but llamapoop, I remember your UMich essay and even I thought that I could not identify the impact on you, or how that principle applied to your life, yet alone anyone else's. In your setback essay, I remember you talking about the impact. Even though I could not relate to it, I understood it. However, if you do believe that application essays should feature a principle that can be applied to life, then I suggest you revise your essays because I think you did not include this in the ones that I have read.

Anyways, remember that the Admissions Commitee do have emotions. When they read essays, they do not read only the lines as if it is a Critical Reading passage. They will allow their senses of understanding and emotion to play a role when they read these essays.

The lesson may seem insignificant to you. However, it is not insignificant to the writer, seeing as how she has actually used it for a CommonApp essay. Also, we get the impression that the writer was fascinated with the fire fly, so it is not an empty statement as you have suggested.


^Yep.


^I personally thought that the conclusion could be stronger.


^YES. However, I do not agree with the origninality balancing the lack of explicit relevance. As the writer has been able to interest her readers, readers would want to understand it's influence. If this key piece of information is missing, it is just a well written essay, but not an effective one.

**Also, for the first many paragraphs, each sentence is too short and abrupt for my liking. I would have liked it if I was being 'transported' somewhere when I read the essay, however the continuous use of the full stop after, literally, ever five words, was a harsh reminder of reality. (If you know what I am saying) Anways that is my opinion. I would have preferred some length so as to beautify certain parts of the experience.

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]


^Ouch. In your first sentence, do you find yourself good at falling in love with things are things that you consider easy. It would be worrying if things you found easy were things you were not good at. Also, are you complimenting your writing, artistic and dancing skills? Please. Not impressive

I am fond of drawing, because my hand skillfully creates magic between the pen and paper that compels them to work together and bring out the best of what could be accomplished by these two. I can see myself in whatever I draw, whether it's a girl, a horse, or simply abstract art that is not understood by anyone but me.

^Mmmm. The first sentence needs revision in terms of what you are trying to say. The use of language devices has not been used effectively in my opinion.

You can see yourself in a drawing of a horse? And we understand that abstract art may only be understood by you.

I love writing, because I can better express myself on paper as I can rephrase my message a thousand times in my head before I get out my final piece. I can hear myself speak, scream, and whisper in my writings, sometimes all at once.

^Very lame. The first sentence...like what?
Second sentence. Whisper and scream juxtapose each other. You can not possibly hear it all at once.

I cannot live without dancing, because I cannot stop myself from moving collaboratively with the beats of the exciting tunes of music. I can feel myself through observing my moves working and cooperating with sounds and jingles.

^

However, that is not why I desire to be an engineer or why I care passionately about science. Science wasis different. Science challenged me, and I was up for it.This should be in present tense. I fell in love with something that I actually found challenging.

^Well, I must say, that drawing pictures of oneself, writing 'messages', and dancing to music, rarely are the reasons that people 'desire' to be an engineer or care about science.

I am fond of math, because a simple unsolved equation invites me to crack it. I can see myself in whatever I solve; I see a person with problems in her life that is ready to be cracked.

^Poor simile here.

When it's free-time at school, I tend to ask my teacher for math questions to compete with my friends in solving them.
^This may be true. But do realize that CalTech try to find students with a sense of humor, which suggests that it tries to find students that are not constantly being a nerd.

I love physics, because it provided me with answers that I found illogical in the most logical way.
^What?

I can hear myself excited and cheerful about discovering a new answer to a question I have always had. I skip my way to class when we have physics when most of my classmates watch me, surprised.

^Do you skip. Every. Single. Day?
Trust me, I think most people would find that type of behaviour surprising. The first hundred times, people may get used to it. By the hundred and first, surprise will be renewed.

I cannot live without chemistry, because it is subject that deals with mystery and predictions made by scientists who might have been a lot like me in one stage of their lives.

^Can not live without chemistry? Please.
Are you suggesting that these scientists may have been like you, because they skip to class, and dance, write, and produce art? I do not think that any scientist did all of these things.

I feel myself in chemistry, and I feel that chemistry is my path to success in my life.
^Why would you feel yourself in a chemistry lesson?

I decided to take my relationship with math, physics, and chemistry to the next level by choosing to major in chemical engineering. I fell in love with chemical engineering because I can see, hear, and feel myself a chemical engineer.

*Wow. This is not a strong essay. You in NO WAY, tell us as readers, how you EXPRESS YOUR INTEREST in ANY OF THESE SUBJECTS.

Quite frankly, all the stuff about dancing, writing etc, is not even remotely relevant to the essay prompt, yet alone your essay.
Your writing style attempts to be something, but in fact, turns out to be nothing. Stick with simple phrases and sentences than trying to find a flowery one which instead, has a pungent smell (yes. This is an example of poor wordplay, something that I found quite common in your essay)

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


^Yes I may have misunderstood. Hopefully, rossetta did not?
Actually, I have to disagree. The lesson does apply specifically to her. Only she talks about the incident and how she was 'affected' by it since she provides self commentary and self analysis on the whole thing.


God knows. That is why the general sentiment on this thread is that she expands and develops her conclusion.


^Alright. I never quite got understood that and I remember your final paragraph had something to do with that. But then again, that is based on my understanding and you do not need to change just...TO PLEASE ME ;)

Yes, we should have our own goals. Since when do people have other people's goals? In turn, that is an own goal to do something similar or exactly as someone else.

Doing things for ourselves? If the world was full of people doing things for themselves, I think the world would be a very different place.


No reason to be sorry. You are allowed to interpret readings however you wish to.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]

Alright. Say that then.

Undergraduate / I can't really think of any ideas on how to end this - FSU Addmissions essay. [5]


^I read that part of your essay. I do not want to read any more. And I will not either.
It is bad enough that you have mispelt 'aspiration', it is worse that you could not think of a better way to start your second sentence (Seeing as how your first sentence just read the names Vires Mores and Artes) and it is even worse, when you decide to pretty much repeat the definition in the essay prompt in your essay response.

Please.

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]

^I doubt the writer has to start over. I just think the writer, needs to seriously consider revising.

Undergraduate / During my life I learnt a wealthy amount of things, things that have come to define me. [6]

Quite frankly, I found your essay boring. When I finished reading it, I found it unimpressive. You use too many words to describe things that do not need to much detail, such as, how you perceive yourself.

For example;


Like..um
Before reading this, I was like this: -.-
After reading this, I was like this: -.- (with face resting on hand)

And that is not the only example, for it applies to a vast percentage of your essay.

I suggest you revise your essay.
By revising, check your grammar obviously and remove the lameness.

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]


^Lawl. you said


Therefore, I gave my feedback. I have my doubts as to whether you actually 'appreciated' it.
Just so you know, everyone puts in effort in everything, but the amount of effort tends to vary from person to person, and from task to task.

And yes, I can say that this wasn't strong at all. It may be my unqualified opinion, but those were indeed my sentiments at the time. Also, if you went to the Contributor page, ana ismee Faisal, ya3ni I am not a 'she' lol.

Also, seeing as how it is a CalTech essay, expectations do tend to be raised. You did not meet these, and pointing this out seems to have upset you? This is CalTech...


^Thanks. It is good to know that people appreciate the validity of my suggestions. Also Mayada, Universities such as CalTech are there for strongly academic and studious people. You should be able to deal with harsh feedback and learn from it, rather than be affected from it.

Also, I skim read your newest essay. I still feel you do not answer the prompt directly. You are supposed to be discussing 'HOW'

Undergraduate / "A well informed family" - MSU personal statement [9]

As a little child, I envied neighbor's kids a lot simply because they havehad the chance to follow the long-established Chinese tradition;and receive money from seniors during the Chinese lunar New Yearthey would receive money from seniors during the Chinese lunar New Year. I was the only one who receive books year overafter year.

^***Before, you said your family is traditional. Here you are saying that they do not do the traditional thing of giving you money...

It was difficult for me to see all my friends wereextremely excitingwith looks of extreme excitementwithfrom the money they got. But I was expected to read and collect something from the books. With the in born sense of responsibility warned me not to disappoint my family,and I built my habit of reading at a very young age.

As I groe w older, I become to appreciate more and more the unique tradition of our familybegan to appreciate the unique traditions of my family . My Parents do not push me to have a good grade in school but they do request me to read as much as I candid not push me to have good grades in school, but rather to read as much as I can.It's not a paradox, which I only realized a few years ago.

We attend school primarily to take up what the nation and society request and basically for a secular goal of getting a good job.
^No. People do not attend school in hopes of only getting 'good jobs'.

But reading is for an entirely different reason that to construct the opinion of world. We read not only to receive the knowledge or have a promising future, but for the fundamental motive-to know the right and wrong. Chinese philosopher used to say "A grasp of mundane affairs is genuine knowledge

^Are you trying to reason why people read?

Understanding of worldly wisdom is true learning." The words were appropriate in the past, are suitable in present, and will be connected in the future. the "worldly wisdom" is not what we considered as flattery, instead, it refers to someone who has great skills in dealing with others, who consider themselves in a lower position in any occasions, pay respect to other's opinion and comprehend other's points precisely, in order to response in the most felicitous way. For most of modern people who are not aiming for Nobel Prize, reading is of great importance in the aspect of gaining knowledge, but the more significant and particle reason is to be aware the right and wrong

^None of this is relevant to yourself, yet alone the essay prompt/

During the past 18 years, I have received numerous books from family members. The book is always packed with a brief note which tells me about what the sender feels about the book and why he recommends this.

^Excuse my ignorance, but do only male relatives give gifts?

Last year, I send my booksent a book to my nephew for the first time. A wonderful thrill came to me while I was passing the book to my little nephew; I felt that I was not only passing a dozens of printed paper to the child, but the spirit of longing for knowledge, the courage of facing reality, the attitude of having a peaceful life, which are, family traditions.

^Longing for knowledge...is not necessarily the attitude of having a peaceful life. Also, these are your family traditions, not family traditions in general.

Undergraduate / Prepare to serve - a medical practice in an underserved area [5]

^Not really relevant to the essay prompt in my opinion.

I did not anticipate that the Emergency Department has become the all-too-frequent source of basic care for poor patients. My previous interpreting experience became very helpful when it comes to connecting with the underprivileged families at the hospital who needed assistance in dealing with system complexities, such as insurance or language barrier. Emergency medicine prepared me for the fast paced yet highly rewarding profession where I get to see the results of interventions almost immediately. I learn to be spontaneous and possess the physical stamina to multitask. I learn good bedside manner and communication by emulating compassionate physicians.

My desire to interact with people and understand their background stemmed from my exposures to poverty and violence during my childhood. The years of struggle have left me with an inner strength I can rely on. The opportunity to serve the vulnerable is not only a gratifying way for me to give back, but also a chance to encourage those who identify with me. This special connection is vital towards inspiring motivation and possibility. Listening to their stories grant me the empathy and inspiration to step out of my comfort zone.


^How has any of the above prepared you for the challenges? You ramble on what you have learnt, which is not what the essay prompt is asking for.

I suggest you revise your essay. A lot of it is already questionable.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

I had not even paddled a boat before. But when I heard this event from school notice, I just put my name on it.I had never paddled a boat before. However, when I saw this event on a school noticeboard, I inexplicably felt compelled to register.

I told my self, this might be fun. So I wasn't surprised when I told Mom about the dragon boat race which was going to be held in the city in 1 months and she asked without much attention.


^True.

The second day I went to the selective trials.
^What second day? Do you mean, the 'next day'?

Most prospective girl members were just like me, not strong enough, inexperienced.The other female members were just like me. They were not strong enough and inexperienced. The coach asked all of us do 20 push-ups to see our strengthas a test of our strength . I thought that perhaps, in my whole life that on aggregate, I have probably only done 20 pushups. 20 push-ups could be the sum of push-ups I had ever done! I bent over on the ground, supported my body bywith my arms,and breathed deeply. One, two, three...

^Is the count, a psychological countdown to start doing pushups, or that how many pushups you did?
*Man, I am 100 kilos plus and I can do 20 plus pushups. It must be because OF THESE PYTHONS ---FLEXES ARM
*Returns to essay at hand.

My arms were shaking, and I knew I mustthat I had to do every push-up as perfect as possible instead of casting myself on the ground.perfectly. "You're good. Get up." I jumped up and laughed. I'm in.I was in.

*Who told you that you were good? Yourself, friends, or the coach?

Though the dragon boat race tradition came from an ancient story in China, bearing the great poet Qu Yuan in mind, this was still the first time I had a connection with it.

The training started in an early Sunday morning. I took a heavy, wooden quant with one hand holding tight on the upper side of it and the other hand grabbing its tail part. One hand held the upper side tightly, whilst my other hand grabbed it's tail part.

Everybody sit in sequenced 2-row chairs ashore, 6 people in one row.
^Should be in past tense.

We practiced basic movement along with cadent drumbeat again, and again. Up the blisteringsunshine, we kept practicing for an hour with wet shirts, ache waist and arms. When it came toAt the hottest time inof that day, actual combat started.

^Not a big fan of the blistering simile
Also, it should be 'aching'. How do waists ache by the way? Unless, you were referring to your obliques or side laterals?

I remember how different it was between rolling my quant ashore in air and in water. Everybody's action must be synchronous so that the boat would progress fast. Everybody had to cling to the gunwale so the boat wouldn't upside down. We paddled hard, put forth on sticking the quant in water, and pulled back with all the power we have quickly.

I sit in the very first of our team and every action of me decided our speed.
^That should be in the past tense.

I concentrated myself to the drumbeat.
^Drumbeat?

Umm, I am reading your next paragraph. Is this competition day?

The quant pierced into the peaceful lake in the flash I heard the start signal. I cannot slow down to damage the tempo already established. I need to stay energetic to encourage each exhausted member. "Common, this is fun!" We stick the quant face to the two sides of boat, then turn back to smile to our neighbor members. Yes, this was how we cheered on.

^Past tense.

All the teams, coaches, media and audience gathered on the game day. After wearing life jackets, we board on the dragon boat. Every drop of sweat would be paid off this day. The starting gun shot. Drumstick started to beat. Hostess was reporting the latest on a yacht following our boats. We have to tell our own drumbeat from all the noises on the lake.

^Past tense.

That was a windy day, with 300-meter lake surface waiting to be disturbed. We kept our eye on the goal. 100 meters, 200 meters... We got exceed by the other team. Last 50 meters! Everybody seemed to be exhausted. Cadent quant turned to be messed up. Cheering voice no longer worked. We just rushed to the goal with closed eye splashed by water.

^Everything that I highlighted in bold needs a revision and some work.

We stepped ashore without disappointment. Because we all knew that, we enjoyed the process. Every early morning we spent on the boat and exhausted training we had been through is what I got from the game. T

^This needs grammar revision.

hough we were not strong as the other team consisted of athletes, we did our best and had fun. Never beat a retreat for anything unfamiliar. Stay curious and join in. Lots of treasures are way to be found.

^In the first sentence, it is as if you believe that you only lost because your opponents had an athletic advantage. It is fine to believe this, but mentioning this shows that whilst you may not be affected by the loss, a part of you still feels that you had an unforgivable disadvantage...

-In your second sentence, I think you mean 'defeat'?
Also, I do not get your final three sentences.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science [11]


^LOL. Yes, INDEED.

As time progresses, computers continue to mold America, shaping it in a manner that benefits and connects today's society. The rapid upgrading of the CPU is beyond amazing!Computers have gone from taking up an entire room to sitting in our laps in our very homes.

^This is not a personal viewpoint. This is just a statement of a known fact.

What we have and use now can only get better, and that is the fuel that keeps me involved passionately with computers. As complex as artificial intelligence is, it can be taught, used, and understood not just by programmers but by all, man, woman, and child.

^Statement of a fact again.

That being said, my main goal is to not only simplify and advance the computer, but to uniquely create and expand!
^Ummm. Not quite feeling this.

As a child, my love for computers started early. It was the year of 1996, the year of Windows 95. Me being able to run my fingers over beige ridged buttons with letters that seemed to magically appear on the screen fascinated me and kindled a deep desire in me to learn more.

^Well, perhaps you should say 'MY BEIGE RIDGED' buttons, because my keyboards have never been beige. Never.
Also, whilst this is a creative sentence, I think it needs some revision. I think there is something that is not, quite right.

As computers were making gradual changes, I was also. I began to study the computer and familiarize myself with the very heartbeat and organs of the computer. Programming has become a hobby of mine and I often joke that my second language is C++, a widely used programming language I taught myself through experiment and tutorials .

^I doubt your readers, on the Admissions Board, need clarification on what C++ is.

Computers are and will always be of great importance to me, and what more do I want then to spend the rest of my life devoted to my childhood desire!

^It is an interesting, genuine, and personal ending. However, I am not sure about it's effectiveness? See what other people think. Overall, I thought that this was quite a good essay, assuming that there is a strict word count.

Undergraduate / UT topic B (freshman) - Costa Rica, issue of importance. [5]

Have you ever thought about global warming and its effects on the earth? What have you done to reduce greenhouse gases? Global warming has been becoming a problem throughout the years. Global warming can affect habitats, ecosystems, and communities. Most national governments have been working on ways to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, but what about civilians? We may have some opportunities to help reduce gas emissions such as using hybrid cars, but what about the cost? The solution to solving global warming is by working together as a society.

^I am sure that whichever Universities you are applying to, have people on the Admissions Board that are educated enough to know what global warming is. I also think that most people know the effects of global warming, and that there have been attempts to reduce it. Your ending line is ineffective as your first. It is always easy to come with some grand solution, however implementing it is always the difficulty. I also doubt that a teenager such as yourself, can possibly implement that solution.

Your first line challenges your readers, and not necessarily in a positive way. It makes it seem as if you assume your readers are ignorant.

Quite frankly, you can remove the whole paragraph.

Although, Costa Rica is hardly industrialized and lives mostly in poverty, in each cabin or hotel we stayed at all encouraged us to reuse our towels, turn off our lights, and recycle.

^-The country does not live in poverty. It's people do.
-I do not get the second part of your sentence. It is not expressed clearly. It is in need of some revision in order for the message to be communicated effectively.

The light bulbs, if any were nearly always fluorescent no matter where we were. As we adventured into every shop and small restaurants, whether we were in San Jose or Puerto Limon, we were always given three options: Paper, plastic, and glass. I was so confused as to how a third world country seemed to be doing more for theirit's environment then the United States. Weren't we supposed to be a world power, a country people look to?

^We, as in your mother and yourself? Or USA? Revise
Also, people do not 'look to' the USA.
I think I know what you mean^, but you need to revise the sentence.. Look to the US in terms of what? Economic power?
If it is because USA is such an economic powerhouse, USA may not be too concerned with the environment because it reduces it's efficiency and thus income and revenues. Rather the US may want to cut costs as much as possible, even if it is at the expense of the environment. So that may be a possible answer as to 'why'?

It is just 'possible'

I was equallytransformed by the local recycling center a few miles from my backyard. It was a simple trailer with several bins for the few contributors. There were only three volunteers, one being myself, and I was the only high school student. Martha was one of the volunteers I worked with; together we assembled bins and placed adhesive stickers on them. The adhesive stickers had information on what can be recycled, when, and where. Together we expanded the recycling community by offering to put out the bins to anyone interested. I placed the several bins at the city pool I worked at next to the Coca Cola vending machines, and to several of my friends.

^Just for clarification, was the city pool next to several of your friends?

Although the position isoften tricky, the personal rewards are beyond articulation.
^Poor sentence. What position? The position of the bin next to the city pool?
Do you know what articulation means?

In the time I have lived in Alpine the Recycling center has expanded increasingly,; it has moved from a trailer to a permanent site.

There are many ways to reduce the effects of global warming, from using hybrid cars to using less electricity; we only need to make it available to everyone.

^Make what available? Also, next year when I get my driving license, I will probably be getting some sports car or a G55, and I will sacrifice neither of these fuel guzzling options for a hybrid car. You make it sound as if reducing effects of global warming is possible, which it is, but worryingly, you make it sound as if it can be done easily. Realize, that people may not be willing to cooperate. And that is what makes it difficult. Availability may not necessarily be the issue here. Choice plays an important role. Availability may also be extremely expensive, and I doubt that any organization, when they realize the cost, will even want to consider such a plan.

-These are just my opinions. Take them or disregard them. However, I personally feel that those sentences show a lack of intellectual maturity since you fail to realize the bigger picture even though you seem to want to try and paint one.

National governments can only do so much to help reduce greenhouse gasses.
^Yes.

It is up to everyone as a whole to do their part.
^Yes, nearly everyone knows this. But then again, how many of these 'everyone' is willing to change their lifestyle. I have not read your final sentence, but are you going to do something about this then? If not, then remove this sentence.

*Getting sidetracked here.
Also, hybrid cars are known not to be very powerful. Supposed everyone used hybrid cars. Can you imagine how much that would suck? Wake up earlier to get to school/work. Ambulances and police cars will be slower. If a faster hybrid car was to be developed, can you imagine the cost of this? Dayum. I doubt the poverty situation will benefit much then.

People have not been changing when faced with the hard evidence of global warming; we are going to have to change before we are in the midst of a crisis, before it is simply too late.

^Yes, this is what environmentalists have been preaching for years now.

I think that this issue should be under the 'Topic of your choice' by the way.

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]


^I saw on another thread that you have returned Noto. Welcome back. And thanks for the warm words :)


^Nice feedback is not necessarily the most useful. If that is what you want, me to tailor my feedback so that it is 'nice', then I may just have to do that for you then.

To make it relevant, as Sean on this thread suggested, why dont you try brainstorming. If you can not come up with anything, then maybe, you need to realize that perhaps you never really expressed interest in any of those subjects.

I hope that is not the case.
If that is the case however, whilst you may not like what I am going to say, maybe CalTech is not for you. Afterall, CalTech has asked this question because these are the type of students that it is looking for; students that have expressed an interest in those academic disciplines and have expressed an interest, because they are naturally fascinated by these academic discipline.

I know that CalTech sounds great. It is in California, and it is prestigious in the sense of it's academic programs and commitment to research and publications.

Cali, and prestige. What more can one ask for?
People, (I am not saying you), may forget just how hard working and academic CalTech students are. These are students that have genuine interests in what they study, and go to CalTech because they are academically motivated and hope to learn something new and learn more. These students do not necessarily go to CalTech because of the beach and because they identify CalTech as a University with a prestigious name. They are most probably the ones who identify CalTech as an institute to work and challenge themselves and others academically and are interested in the prestige of studying at a University with well equipped research facilities that can help them learn more about their interests.

If you do not know how you have expressed interest, it is likely that maybe you never did. Or maybe you do not understand the essay question?

Well, if I had to apply to CalTech, and I had to understand this question, I would say that I expressed my interest in certain parts of Biology. I have studied research on muscle fibres, macronutrient intake and supplementation. I evaluate which of these are most applicable to me, and I implement what I have learnt in my diet and training program.

Ive never been required to know any of this stuff. It was just personal study and I wanted to learn more because I thought it was interesting, especially when I applied this information to my program and diet. I expressed an interest in this part of science by reading, considering, evaluating and implementing it on myself. I doubt that that in itself is a great answer, but that is how I have expressed an interest in..'biology'.

Undergraduate / "Soccer is my inspiration" - Common Application 150 word essay [5]

A goal would result in a Championship win and a wayward shot would result in the door being blow open for the opponents.
^As a reader, I understood that there would be consequences if you missed the penalty seeing as how your previous sentence implied this. (Btw, Arsenal vs Celtic and Chelsea vs Sunderland on tonight)

I lined up for the shot and say to myself "this is everything you've trained for". Momentarily I lose myself to a world of trance and when I'm back in the present I am mobbed by team mates backed up with huge cheers. All at once I feel like I am exactly where I want to be. Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy. Soccer is my inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.

^Well, I am not too sure if such a moment fits in with the 150 word Common App essay question. That essay question asks you to expand on an activity, if I am not mistaken. Here, you delve into a moment of victory, an accomplishment, something that could make a strong Common App long essay instead.

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]


^None of this is relevant to yourself, yet alone the essay prompt.

You do not discuss MIT's departments or programs at all. You just talk about your interests.[

quote=Pikafu]I worked hard to get this to no more than 100 words...haha.[/quote]
^This is no laughing matter. Perhaps the amount of effort you put in, yes.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

^Well the CommonApp does not really ask for a Personal Statement. I assume that this question was in response to one of the 'Long Essay' questions.

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Well Simone, I think our contrasting answers will confuse Pikafu over here.
I am going to disagree with Simone, and explain why, so that Pikafu over here can understand my point of view.



^The essay prompt is the reason why. Pikafu may have the general idea, engineering, and the field of interest, but neither of these are departments or programs at MIT. There is no explanation on why either of these is appealing and the reason why also

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]


^I never said that you have a lack of interest in science.
It is interesting to see your ambitions, even though I was always under the impression that scientists were interested in overcoming and finding solutions to impossibilities rather than doing them. Perhaps I was wrong, which may also suggest my relative ignorance regarding science and the science field in general.


^Well either way, that is an expression. Expressions do not have to be shown to the public.


^I reread the question. You do not only have to discuss interest.
'interest, curiosity, or excitement'
Well, saying that you have expressed an interest in Engineering just by applying to a program, may be an interesting card. I am not sure if this is what CalTech is looking for, but then again, it may be enough to surprise the Admissions board. Do not take my word for it. I would have assumed that CalTech is asking this question because they want to know how interest has been expressed in the past and I believe that the answers read will help them decide which candidates are eligible to pursue their interests at a research based University such as CalTech. My opinion however.

Also, your example, does not really show an interest in my opinion. It just shows a choice you made.


^This should be the main point of your essay. I see that by discussing with me, we seem to have come up with a form of a 'brain storm'.


^That was just an example lol. I thought Id give a realistic example, that perhaps you can relate to. If I really was applying to CalTech, Id discuss Math. I relate to it a lot more since a lot of what I do, and buy, revolves around Math.


^Well, I will have to disagree with you that it is a tricky question. That is because of my definition of what a 'tricky question' is. Tricky questions, to me, are those that require a train of thought, but can include other trains of thought, to calculate the right answer. This essay question does require a train of thought, and can include other trains, but there is no right answer. CalTech is not looking for a 'right' answer, and a 'wrong answer'. They are looking for an answer that can communicate effectively. What you did before, was not even answer the question. That is not a wrong answer. It is just not an answer.