Unanswered [13] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Mayada
Joined: Jun 29, 2009
Last Post: Dec 28, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 96  

From: Saudi Arabia

Displayed posts: 102 / page 2 of 3
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Mayada   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / "Seek, seek"-common application short answer( elaborate on one of your activity) [4]

Seek, seek and seek!
>> Not the best way to start off an essay.. your idea that you want to grab attention is 100% smart, but don't do it by repeating the same word three times excitedly..

Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone.

>>> You ALWAYS looked for SAT counseling and university information? wasn't that like just recently or something? plus, everyone did that, because most students are applying for college now and a lot of them are applying for USA universities so it's not weird that your looking for this information.. Don't mention anything that "everybody does", mention what "Jiani Hu does"

Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other.
>>> I didn't really get that.. who's we? and how cautious?

Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?
>> A private matter? and what does that has to do with being alienated?

Considering that, I was determined to launch an organization, providing a communication platform for everyone. Apart from a webpage, I also held group gatherings in order that my friends would work on self-designed projects in groups.

>> OK, so your idea is an organization.. Don't start it with "considering that" because it's the most important thing you mention in the essay so don't undermine it by simply "considering" it.. and don't say "Apart from a webpage" because, again, you're not giving what you did an emphasis and you don't imply that it's important by just "passing by" what you did. What did you put in the webpage? what was it for?

Moreover, via video phone, we even invited the senior schoolmates who was studying abroad to show us beautiful universities.
>>Seniors were on a trip? Or were they graduates who went abroad for college?

Actually, that is how Chengdu Overseas Student Association was founded.
>>> Don't use "Actually".. omit it.. and did you start it? mention that you founded it..

Sharing resources and helping each other, we have had more than 100 members now!
>>> The first part of the sentence is kinda irrelevant to the second part of it..

Overall, I think you have a good idea, but maybe you're having a hard time putting it onto paper.. I think you should delete part of the essay:

"Seek, seek and seek! Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone. Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other. Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?"

AND focus on the second half to talk more in detail about your organization.. did you make it? what were the organization's mission and vision? Did it make a difference? what did other students think about it?
Mayada   
Nov 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "True love" - UC undergrad admission personal statement [8]

It's unique, and I love your style of writing..
However, when a UC admission officer reads it, maybe when he tries to picture you in the university there, he's assume that without love, when you stop believing in it, or when you're heartbroken you will lose everything, and stop trying so hard..

When you write, try to picture the person reading it, and what impression he/she will have after reading it, and whether the way you described yourself in the essay shows that you will adapt and succeed in the university you are applying to..
Mayada   
Nov 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

Actually, Jason, your "opinions" are great! Your feedback is very useful.. each time I re-edit my essay in accordance with your advice, I feel that the essay is really improving.. I agree, science and math should be apparent in the essay, rather than just describing broadly..

Hmm, ok I tried to add some details.. Do you thing I don't need the last paragraph now?
Mayada   
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Rape as a topic? [11]

No.. Every student has the right to speak freely and transparently about the challenges..

Many speak about diseases, which may be more of misfortune than your essay. Just because the misfortune was caused by another individual it doesn't mean that it's a challenge that shouldn't be spoken of..

And about ur "getting over" this experience.. You should eliminate some of the before and after in order to put some more details on how you overcame it. This is the most important part of the essay.. because you don't want to talk about rape and leave your transitional phase unexplained.. since you are talking about a very sensitive thing you should put an end to any question a reader may ask.. plus, the admissions will see how you overcome a challenge to see if you can overcome their challenges.. ur kinda eliminating the most anticipated part of the essay..

Good luck!!
Mayada   
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

Thanks a lot Jason!!
I do wish you luck.. When I read the essay to my mom she had a feeling that Sam was symbolic.. how can I emphasize the end?

The thing about applying for Caltech, I read a sample essay... someone got accepted for writing about a stuffed animal! It really depends on how you write rather than what you write about.. So the end is where a reader will say,"ohhh" and reads the essay all over and it will mean something else the 2nd time.. how can I elaborate in the end?

Jay, Sam isn't a real person.. I was talking about science and math the whole time, only referring to them as if I were referring to a person I love.
Mayada   
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / MY DREAM TO BECOME A BALLERINA AND OVERCOME BEING SHY UCLA PROMPT 2 [4]

Maybe this is significant to you, however, you don't really show how much this experience weighs in your life..

Make it more dramatic.. demonstrate your inner-conflict.. show the monologue, how you've spoken to yourself..talk to yourself in your essay..

And of course, revise for some grammatical errors.. you don't want them to have the impression that you're careless or anything ;)
Mayada   
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

Topic: Interest in math, science, or engineering manifests itself in many forms. Caltech professor and Nobel Laureate Richard Feynman (1918-1988) explained, "I'd make a motor, I'd make a gadget that would go off when something passed a photocell, I'd play around with selenium"; he was exploring his interest in science, as he put it, by "piddling around all the time." In a page, more or less, tell the Admissions Committee how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.

"I have something to tell you, Sam. I love you." I said, unhesitant. By admitting my feelings, I promised him to be loyal, dedicated, and compassionate unconditionally. I never regretted feeling affection towards him. He never gave me a reason to. I still remember the first time I met him in school. Since then, he has been always there in my life.

...
Mayada   
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Rape as a topic? [11]

It's great that you've changed.. and that you brought back your As!!..

Hmm, but what was the point where you changed? I think you should focus more on the transition.. when did you think "OK, enough is enough, and HE is not worth ruining my life" ?? What happened?

You're essay is well-written, I agree with all of the above ;).. however, you can make it more powerful.. what I see in your essay is the before and the after, but I think you have to show the "how"..

Good luck!! and I think it is very brave to talk about this topic.. try to refine it, though.. an essay could always be better if you gave it more time and effort..
Mayada   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Cornell about Myself? [14]

No problem. What I meant is to try to avoid stating anything about yourself.. try to write about a relevant even that proves most of the statements you are dying to mention
Mayada   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Cornell about Myself? [14]

setting up a trip to go to a restaurant in Chinatown for Asian American Club.

If you did it just one time then u can't say u love it, u loveD

it..

So what kind of person am I now? ... into any one group exactly

Again with the "telling".. why do you tell them the person you are now? substitute it with a relevant incident or story..

Not only am I taller, smarter, and more mature, but also I'm more social, outgoing, and no longer a total nerd.

Again, show it...
Mayada   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

The writer didn't elaborate on how he changed and gained confidence back..

^It is possible for people on this site to identify this as a real story. Therefore, speaking for the whole Essayforum community, may not be appropriate.

My bad.. I get excited sometimes when writing stuff
Mayada   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Cornell about Myself? [14]

You keep admiring yourself in the 1st paragraph. All of it. When you write your next essay, try to SHOW and not TELL.. You keep talking about yourself and saying things many applicants can easily say about themselves. This won't make you stand out at all..

I love being a doing my best in everything, being a leader, helping my friends, and hanging out as much as I can.

Please, don't state these as facts about yourself! Correction: you admire yourself throughout the whole essay.

Good luck!!
Mayada   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay - Aircraft doors [4]

It may seem odd, but whenever I'm on the jet way waiting to board the plane, it is neither the impeccably dressed air stewardess greeting passengers nor the spooling of the aircraft engines waiting to take the plane to its next destination that catches my attention.

Nice start, but it's too long of a sentence to start by..

a field which I believe provides a link between the theoretical and the practical.

Oh Gosh engineering is just great <3

programs in Engineering Simulation and enterprise engineering

This is great.. it shows that you have done some research about Cornell and that you really have plans when you get in.. it shows how you're interested!

but you have to create a link between how would these programs help you. Are they a motivation to expand in the field of engineering? Would working in groups stimulate your excitement toward projects? Would the competition keep you enthusiastic? You have to be more specific because this is kinda the core of the essay, how will Cornell help you..
Mayada   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]

I never said the writer was a bad one. I said that his current writing style can suggest, or give the impression, that he is not a good one. I never once said that the writer is a bad one. Do not misquote me like that lol...

I apologize.. I should have quoted the whole sentence then, lol. Sorry anyway.. As you might have noticed, I'm an advocate for avoiding harsh criticism but giving useful feedback that could be worked with..

Overall the essay is well done, some grammar errors are present though.

In my opinion, I see that the grammar mistakes interfered in conveying the author's message. The essay needs serious revising or else the readers will read what the writerwrote, not what he meant..
Mayada   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]

you are not a good writer.

Liebe, although Jiaxing does show weak grammar all over the essay, we're supposed to criticize the essay, not the writer.. You don't have to "t7a6mah" or else maybe he/she wouldn't keep trying.. I'm not saying that you should be nice either, but objective..

Jiaxing, Liebe is totally right about your grammar and your use of words. Since you have such a great experience in the US you should focus on describing it just like how you felt it, don't ruin the experience by not describing it well..
Mayada   
Sep 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]

Doubt it, since Saudi 'laws' are influenced by a particular doctrine on the Shariah laws, rather than what other countries and societies think are 'laws'.

Are you Saudi Faisal? Because yes the law is too strict. It is against Saudi law not to wear an "Abaya" while in Islam we are simply asked to wear conservative cloths, not necessarily black and looks like a tent that has room for one person only..

Anyways, I will rewrite the essay ;)
Mayada   
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "faculty ratio and more" - UCF Admissions Essay [10]

a 3.73 GPA

Do you have to say it? It would be mentioned somewhere else in your application

I am a team-player and will help out wherever is needed.

You are??? PROVE IT!! Give an example. Everything is easier said than done, and if you tell it, it won't affect the reader as if you give an example about how you've "done" it and therefore are considered a team-player

grow myself.

it sounds weird to me...

Now, I'm going to work hard for my Bachelor's Degree so I could grow my career and myself more.

Not the best phrase to end with. I suggest you end with something more effective; an open ending just hinting a future of an unlimited amount of hard work

I currently work at Walmart as a Sales Associate in the Electronics Department and feel that the Business Management degree will give me the leading edge over the competition and will also help me build my career.

You mentioned your job in both of your essays: not good. And you probably have it somewhere in your application too.. try not to repeat what had been mentioned in your application; the essay is supposed to show what you couldn't show in the rest of the application

My decision on applying to the University of Central Florida was based on several factors.

You have to start stronger :) Show us power!! This is TOO direct

I feel that the University of Central Florida is a perfect choice for me.

Duhh! Then why would you apply for it??.. Don't say that in your ending

I am a people person and learning various cultures and beliefs will not only help me build my career, but myself as a person.

Again, don't TELL.. Show them instead

You've done a good job. But this is an admissions essay so every detail counts.. You have to be very selective on which sentences you should put or not, and what exactly should you write..
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "My love for Computers" - U of I #1 [4]

My computer taught me about myself as much as it taught me about itself

How so? I think that you should omit this sentence because it's irrelevant.

This may seem boring to some, but I loved it.

Omit that too. Why do you have to say it?

Every day, I read about new breakthroughs in processor technology. I think to myself that years down the road, I want to be that guy.

A better whay to say it:

>>>"I want to be that guy!" I thought, as I read about who lead a new breakthrough in processor technology

I want to be the one that comes up with somea great new idea that revolutionizes how they are built or even how they function.

Add a new closing sentence. I believe it shouldn't end with that last sentence.. and if you omit what I suggested you to omit, you would have space for a new closing sentence.
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "there is more to music than just the written word" - UF undergrad essay-> 1979 [5]

Oh my God. You have proved that ANYTHING could be a significant experience. It depends on how you express it. You have BEAUTIFULLY described how a simple song affected you. Although I'm not that interested in music and instruments, I have been touched by your essay. I felt it..

What I feel that this essay lack is "why this song".. You like music. How come no other song influenced you like this one? What does that year represent in the song "1979"? What about the lyrics itself, how did it affect you, and what were they about?

When I read your essay, I felt that you are deep person, but I still wanted to find out more about the song itself. You did explain how it affected you, but all I know about it is its title and singers..

Other than that.. I love it!
Wow.
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]

Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?

I had no other choice but to be born a female in Saudi. That was God's will, and I will not change what God has decided. I lived most of the seventeen years of my life opposing whatever I find not up to my satisfaction level here in Saudi Arabia. I have lived here all my life, but as they have always said: "The grass is always greener the other side." I did not try to "make our grass greener." Instead, I focused so hard on finding ways to get to the other side where the grass is greener.

Last year I had to write about "How can I turn my passion and enthusiasm into actions that will make Saudi Arabia a country that I'm proud of in the next ten years?" It was a writing competition that I was part of. What I did not know was that it was not simply a contest, it was more. Each time I typed a sentence and reread it, I began to believe it. I did not expect that my power of persuasion could turn against me, but it turned out to be for the best. It made me realize that my attitude wasn't right. I should not keep looking at the positive points of "the other side," but should look at the positive point of my country that I belong to, and the negative points that are vulnerable to the power of human minds and the creativity of Saudi's youth. I know that I can leave this area, where I can't find the grass green enough for me, yet it would only mean that I am weak as I am escaping my troubles.

We do not want Saudi women to feel less than Saudi men. The thing here is that many women here in Saudi see that men are offered more and easier opportunities than women. I have been in this phase myself. Maybe it is because the country is recently becoming open-minded by starting to provide more chances for women. I can see that. I also see many determined motivated open-minded women that outnumber the chances provided. They are willing to break the barrier of old customs and go for every voluntary, educational, or career opportunity they hear of, competing against each other to get them.

Utilizing chances our school provides is the best policy. As a Saudi girl, I do not have that many opportunities to shine and prove myself. Dhahran Ahliyya School (DAS) was different, it compensated for the opportunities our society has not provided enough. The clubs and activities no other schools offered were accessible in ours. DAS even sent girls outside the kingdom for various purposes, including international competitions and conferences. DAS is the one school that includes traveling as an educational experience among all Saudi public and private schools.

Although school has indeed provided me with everything I might ask for, it opened my eyes to witness reality; women should never wait for opportunities to make use of. Instead, we should create them. After observing how DAS overcame challenges to introduce more options for girls with the Saudi Ministry of Education, I realized that. I felt responsible of conducting such change ever since I saw that it was possible. I am able to generate opportunities for me and others my own way by establishing clubs about areas that interests me. Not only did the situation in my country shaped who I am, but it also motivated me to team up with whoever thinks similarly to me and overcome it just like our school did. I believe that I can make the grass greener in the lands of Saudi Arabia. Just wait and see.
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

You have to focus on writing it in a way that would not offend anyone. Some people are from the ghetto and are proud of it. And I didn't get what changed your opinion about acne. I thought it was sudden, no "story" that changed how you saw it, no successful person u met that had worse problems in their appearances that didn't affect their social life, no conversations with your friends who had more acne and thought you were lucky, no campaigns with the title: "I have acne and I'm proud", or a book you read about judging people based on their inside. We want a real story. Gaining confidence isn't usually an easy process. You should show that and show how you gained it again. Give an example or a scene that would show contrast between your attitude before and after..

Anyways that's what I can think of.. Good Luck!!
Mayada   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Assisting others without compensation' - FSU Admissions [7]

Not that it's not good, but Llamapoop123 did you a favor by crossing off a bit from your essay..
The intro was all about "what you're about to say" and why do you chose to write about it that way.. don't do that. You do not justify what you write, you just type it ;)

and try not to mention scores and GPAs.. it totally weakened your essay.. try to focus on stuff that will move the readers. And don't say "what" you have done.. describe it! Don't say that u like helping ppl, give an example..

"Vires, Artes, Mores" is symbolic in me because I don't mind assisting others without being compensated.

symbolic in me?
and it's not clear that assisting others without compensation includes strength, arts, or culture

I think you should focus more on finding more relevant examples
Mayada   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion" - UCF personal statement [5]

Hmm, I love the ideas you have in your essay, but why haven't you continued your story till the end? What happened? Did you finish your model?

My whole family's history

Try not to repeat phrases from the essay prompt question

The sight of my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion will forever stay with me, and as. As I worked on my crushed architectural model I couldn't help but to recall this image.

use another word that suites better than "crushed"..

someone had carelessly crushed my model 24 hours before judging for the state competition begun.

"judging for" is confusing.. do you mean before evaluation time? or before they determine the results? "judging for the state competition" doesn't sound right

strange second language.

second languages aren't strange.. you can use another word like "poor" language instead

All throughout I never heard anyone complain; there were no "I can't do it" or "This is just too hard" in my household.

You can cut this :P You made it clear before that your family is not a family of quitters.. You shouldn't keep saying it in different ways or it would just sound cheesy

Everything I am, my determination, passion, and persistence, I owe to my family and the values they placed in me.

In my opinion, the qualities you referred to yourself is something the admissions readers are supposed to understand from reading your essay.. I think it's better to think of another stronger ending for that essay

Otherwise, good job!!
Mayada   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

thanks!
but should I say that it will not be the end of my involvement with "politics"? Maybe it wouldn't be clear enough that I would like to join MIT's program.. MUN is probably going to be the only involvement with politics i'll have :P even if it continued on if im at MIT
Mayada   
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

Ok, I rewrote it like you suggested..

"I object!" I yelled while raising my placard; a white piece of paper with a four-hundred-and-twenty sized "Gabon" in a black Calibri font. The chairman declined the motion to move into voting procedure. Ironic how an African country's vote counts as a veto power country's when it comes to motions. America's delegation must have felt the intensity of the debate we were holding, and that's why he called for that motion. Hence, I had one more speech that would surely bring down that resolution that was not in favor of third world countries. That was the last conference I participated in before I became an organizer for the first Model United Nations (MUN) conference in our school, and a mentor for some of the delegates. Fortunately, I can still be an "MUN-er" at MIT. MITMUNC will be more interesting. Instead of just politics, it deals with technology and science as well.

The problem is that it's too long, and I need to know what to omit. And I wanna know if it's clear. Because I have to make it short, I think the transition between the theme of the conference and the idea of being an organizer is sudden and doesn't really sound right.. another thing is the ending. I have no ending :P

I need suggestion :)
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

My mind raced and I threw my hands to the nearest section I remembered. I took care of the mistake,

You can consider this an example of how you try to manage your mistakes.. because it's a really good example. Everyone makes mistakes, but a smart person knows how to deal with them and manage them. I think you can relate a lot of this to your life and personality.
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / My Four Year Old Role Model (Common App Essay) [4]

Many people might say aspiring to emulate a four year old might seem ridiculous. Yet I would beg to differ. After meeting 4 year Dakota from West Virginia, there is nobody else that could exemplify the type of person I want to be. When I decided to go on a mission trip with my church youth group to West Virginia, I expected to be helping others; yet this wasn't truly the case. Dakota helped me more then I could ever help him and his family. He helped me understand more about the world around me, and more importantly, he helped me understand more about the person I wanted to become.

I actually liked the intro.. nice job.

one of the richest countries on the planet.

oh really?,, hehe. You don't have to state that ;)

I want to die knowing that I did everything that I could possibly do, and experienced as much as I possibly could. I want to die being able to say been there, done that.

Why negative?
How about: "I want to live on doing everything that I can possibly do, and experience as much as possible. I want to live saying: "been there, done that." "

You know, your intro did sound really good.. but you can omit the whole first paragraph.. you can omit the intro, and go directly into the story.. The essay is too long, so you have to shorten it.
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]

About the US entertainment thing, keep it.. it's a nice idea you're telling and I think it's too good to be omitted..

You got some grammatical mistakes in your essay. I'm not the best person to point them out, I bet others would.. However, I think you have some amazing ideas in your essays but the way you phrase them kinda makes them lose they're sparkle..

Take a piece of paper, list down the main ideas, and then rewrite the essay in the most creative way you can.. Maybe this is the best way to phrase your thoughts better..

Good luck!! :)
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

Actually, the countries I represented were African countries, and I made friends all over by attending the conference.. MIT has those conferences as well so they know about the debating and the "making friends" plus the conversations students mostly have.. students our age come from all over the world to attend these international conferences, and MIT is well aware of what they are and such..

... hmm, lol you crossed over everything.. including the name of the club, hehe.. it's not just any conference, it has all the things i mentioned in the beginning included in the preparation process and the actual process.

-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?

It's not going to be the end of participating in Model United Nations.. and it's the beginning because it's just an introductory experience to what I'm planning to do if I get accepted in MIT, because I can do better in more experiences in Model United Nations.. :)

So what do you suggest I should say?
how can i make my point clear?

Thanks btw :D
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

The problem is keeping it within 100 words. I really have a lot to tell about this experience but I can't fit everything within the limits.. and yeah drugs sure sound extreme!! :P

here's the edited
----------------------------

I need advice on how to make it more interesting as well.. and if there's anything to omit ;)
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

I don't think you should state the fact about the top five percent, not only because it weakens your ending, but also because it is would probably be mentioned elsewhere in your application..

I like the story, and I agree with everyone else. With a strong start we would expect a stronger ending..

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