Writing Feedback / What are the impacts are caused by the technology in our life. [2]

Hello, selva. Thank you for submitting your essay to Essay Forum. Here are my suggestions:

What are The Impactsare caused by theof Technology inon Our lifeLives

Technology plays an important but complex role in many facets of our lives.

One important area in which technology has helped society is communication. Websites and apps like Facebook, Twitter, Skype and whatsapp allow people to connect to each other instantly and easily. Technology allows us to transmit written documents, files, photographs and other important information to others with the push of a button; it is no longer necessary to rely on the post office or human carriers.Here I think you should elaborate on how technology helps communication. For example, maybe you could address how Skype and FaceTime allow for a face-to-face meeting for people who are very far apart, something we could have never done in the past.

Although technology can benefit communication in many ways, it can be detrimental in others. It can be difficult to preserve one's privacy and anonymity when interacting on websites like Facebook.Here I think you should talk about how this can make it difficult to get a job because future employers might find embarrassing information or photographs when researching a job candidiate.Additionally, using technology can be a "time-waster" - some social medial users have a tendency to spend hours online instead of interacting with others "in real life."

Technology also benefits the field of agriculture. Genetic modification allows farmers to produce food more quickly and more efficiently than in the past. Elaborate machinery also speeds the production of food. There are drawbacks to the use of technology in agriculture, however. Some question whether genetically modified food could be harmful. The use of complex machines that now do the work people once did eventually led to unemployment among farm workers.

The world of banking has also greatly benefited from the introduction of new technology. Money transfers, e-commerce, bank account supervision and other financial matters can now be handled conveniently and privately through one's home computer.

Technology plays an important role when it comes to transportation and travel, as well. Satellite-based navigation systems and internet traffic maps help us plan our driving routes and avoid areas of congestion. Like in other areas of life, however, this tendency to rely on technology can backfire. Accidents due to texting while driving are one of the newest concerns in the area of vehicular safety.

In conclusion, technology offers many improvements in our lives, but these improvements are accompanied by new problems and areas of concern that must be addressed.

Please provide good feedback if you like my work. Thank you!

Essays / Applications essay assistance - how to start? [3]

Hi, Kukymonzta,

Here are questions to ask yourself that I think will help you with this essay:

How are you going to avoid burn-out if you are a student there? What do you do now to keep going, even when things are tough? Are you motivated by a goal you want to reach really, really badly? Are you absolutely passionate about art? Talk about it!

How can the Art Institute be sure that you aren't going to give up the first time you're rejected or make a bad grade? Maybe you could talk about how you've recovered from rejections/disappointments in the past. Maybe you could talk about how you persevere, no matter what - because you know you're going to make it if you do. Have you ever sought out the help of a tutor/coach if you needed extra help? Talk about how you are not afraid to do that at their institute if necessary. I personally think that recognizing that you need help and arranging for it are signs of maturity, not weakness. You could take this approach if appropriate.

How do you structure your work-life balance? Give them examples to show how you will devote time to work and study. Show how you are serious about this commitment.

Once you have thought about these, post your essay here and we can help you work on it more.

If you like my help, please give me good feedback. Thank you!

ChristineB

Undergraduate / Combination of intellectual and professional growth; Vassar Colleg Supp/Why Vassar? [2]

Hi, orlaendoe. Here are my corrections to your essay:

HOW DID YOU LEARN ABOUT VASSAR AND WHAT ASPECTS OF OUR COLLEGE DO YOU FIND APPEALING?

My introduction to Vassar College came while watching a Meryl Streep movie called Julie & Julia. Although Meryl Streep's acting was impressive, it was the movie's reference to the college that really grabbed my attention.

My interest in Vassar College intensified after meeting Lilly, a Vassar student studying abroad at the Prague Film School. As we toured the Museum of Art History, she spoke glowingly about the college's diverse, artistic and accepting environment. I was fascinated. This could be the "College of My Dreams," I thought.

While reviewing the college's website, I was greatly impressed by the variety and quality of the offered courses, ranging from a first-year writing seminar to specialized classes in Russian short stories.

Small class sizes, one-on-one contact with professors and the ability to often choose one's own classes are all important criteria for me in choosing college. Unlike the large, rather impersonal Austrian universities, Vassar offers its students all of these benefits.

Ever since working at the Dorotheum Auction House, I have hoped to find an educational program that will prepare me for a career dealing with art. The variety of courses, internships and once-in-a-lifetime study-abroad opportunities Vassar provides to its art history students make Vassar College an obvious choice for someone like me.

I never imagined that aconversation on Meryl Streep movie would could ever be the starting point of ahelp point me in the direction of my dream collegechallenging journey I hope to undertake, but I am so grateful that it did. One of the stops on this journey I aspire to be the ivy-covered walls of Vassar.Maybe one day, I will look back on that movie and smile, remembering how it helped me make my dream come true.

Please "like" my post if you think I did a good job editing your essay. I am also a huge fan of art history (love Gustav Klimt's art!!!) and wish you the very best in your endeavors.

Writing Feedback / To what extent is the inequality good or bad for the economic development? [2]

To what extent is the inequality good or bad for the economic development?

According to the research paper of François Bourguignon (2004), the poverty reduction and growth are the objectives that have triangle-interrelation together with inequality. In order to help with your essay, I will first need you to explain the research paper's theory in very simple terms. Could you do that?

With the regard to economic development, poverty alleviation must be advocated by both economic growth and distribution policy towards the poor. It sounds like you're saying that economic growth and government "safety net" programs are both important for relieving poverty. Is that correct? Perhaps you can word it similar to the way I did.

On one hand,While absolute poverty (What does the term "absolute poverty" mean?) can be alleviated by an increase in income per capita or economic growth, on the other hand , relative poverty (What does the term "relative poverty" mean?)that adjusted for rising average income can still persist when the gains are not distributed with equalityequally. I think I can help you write this better once I have a clearer understanding of "absolute" and "relative" poverty.

Thus, the poverty reduction is determinedgoverned by the growth of mean income ofthroughout the population and changes in themonetary(?) distribution.

However, the redistribution or more equitable society has its cost and therefore we must discuss the foregone development in order to achieve equity.Help me understand this better. Are you saying that redistribution of wealth can help alleviate poverty, but it can also cause problems in the economy? If so, I suggest wording it more like I did.

I'm going to stop there until you've had a chance to reply and help me understand the economic theory better. This will greatly enhance my ability to help edit your paper.

Graduate / The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Balmer Island Gazette: [3]

Hi, tara. Here are my corrections:

The author makes aclaimargues that a limit must be placed [...] each day during the summer in order to reduce the number of moped-pedestrian accidents between mopeds and [...] moped rental companiesthere . ThisclaimThe author points to Seaville as an example of a town that successfully reduced their moped-pedestrian accidents by enforcing a similar plan. He assumes that reducing the number of rentals by half will result in a 50% reduction in the number of accidents.

There are holes in this line of thinking, however. Asking the right questions shines light on the flaws in the author's argument.

First of all, why does the author assume that accidents are a direct result of the number of mopeds on the road? Isn't it possible that the accidents could be due to another, separate issue, such as poor roads or careless drivers? It makes no sense to target moped rentals as the case of accidents if there is another issue at play.

Another question is whether the number of moped-pedestrian accidents truly increases when more people are visiting the island during the summer. The author did not address just how many accidents occur in the summer when the population increases. Is it possible that the number of accidents during the summer months is no different from the number of accidents during other times of the year? Maybe there isn't a direct correlation between accidents and a larger population. The author failed to directly link these two factors.

An important, unanswered question is this one: how do we know that Seaville's reduction in accidents is a direct result of its new policy on moped rentals? Also, how do we know that Balmer Island will have the same results that Seaville did when this policy is enforced? It's possible that the two communities are very different, and Balmer Island's results might not be the same as Seaville's.

(Here I think you should also address how a 50% reduction in the number of moped rentals does not necessarily result in a 50% reduction in moped-pedestrian accidents. Maybe Seaville's numbers are purely coincidental. You can use my wording if you want to do so.)

is based on an assumption that ...

Secondly, the author has to ask [...] the need to reduce the mopeds.

In addition, the author also has [...] recommendation can work in Balmer island.

In conclusion, all the above questions require answers before we proceed with plans to enforce a summertime moped renal restriction policy.making a hasty decision to reduce the number of mopedsin the periodwhen they are needed the most.Naturally, such a policy could negatively impact Balmer Island's tourist industry, so the author owes it to the community to re-assess his argument.

This decision will likely irritate [...] ahead with the recommendation.

I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / How to make a child good member of society? They should learn that in school and at home. [2]

Hi islam12308. I don't know what IELTS scores are, but I will try to help you with your essay anyway. First, here are some questions I'll ask you that might help you enhance your essay:

1. Is it possible that school is a better place for children to learn to be a good member of society because parents are so busy working all the time? Children spend a lot of time at school and parents are often short on time.

2. On the other hand, is it fair to ask teachers to teach all of the lessons AND how to be a good member of society? Teachers are already overworked and underpaid. Can we really ask them to do more?

Now, here are my edits to what you've written:

Who is best equipped to teach our children how to be good members of society? Some argue that children benefit most from learning these types of lessons from their parents, while others argue that teachers and schools can more effectively teach them how to be good citizens.How to make a child good member of society? [...]

[...] and knowledge have to be given as lessons to their children. The problem with this statement is that teachers also have great experience and knowledge, so those factors don't necessarily make parents the better choice.In ideal circumstances, a child's parents are the ones who spend the most time with the child. It makes sense, then, that parents would have the most influence when it comes to teaching children how to be good members of society.Secondly, parents are people, who ...

On the other hand, schools offer children the opportunity to experience life in a miniaturized, "controlled" community, where they can perhaps more readily learn real-life lessons about how to be good members of society than they could at home. Discipline is expected and enforced in schools, so children quickly learn that disobedience results in negative consequences.others contradict opinion that parents ...

Views that parents' experience help [...] To sum up, I hold theMy opinion is that children can and should learn how to be good members of society from both their parents and the schools. A parent-school team approach to teaching these important lessons is likely more effective than relying on just one or the other.have to study how to be good member [...]

I hope that has helped you!

Graduate / Education towards my nursing / midwife career - personal statement [3]

Hi, mammasam. I'm going to work on your first essay.

Since you already have a nursing degree, I suggest that you emphasize how being a nurse practitioner is a better choice for you than being a nurse. I like how you talked about how advancing your degree will allow you to be more autonomous and pointed out how you would use this more advanced degree to help your patients. Here are my suggestions:

Being a nurse has been a wonderful career for me. Ever since a childhood experience of watching my grandfather suffer from Parkinson's disease and emphysema, I have wanted to comfort patients, understand disease and learn about the human body. Becoming a nurse was a natural choice.

During my nursing training, I discovered that I not only loved providing comfort and compassion to suffering people, but also developing the differential diagnoses and treatment plans to aid in their care. As I became skilled at performing comprehensive patient assessments and applying critical thinking skills, I began to dream about becoming a primary care provider.

As a nurse practitioner, I would be able to use my diagnostic skills,In addition, I have learned the importance of providing education to my patients [...] decision-making. This includes the ability toeducatemypatients and their families,advocate for their goals of care, and have prescriptive authority to see their goals through fruition, while keeping with the essence of nursingand follow-through with patient treatment plans, all while providing the support and empathy traditionally associated with the nursing profession.

In closing, advancing my education will providegrant me the opportunity to challenge myself intellectually, provide holistic care to my patients and focus onand continue to make a difference [...] approach to healthcare that focuses on health promotion, disease prevention, and quality of life.

I hope that helped you!

Essays / Ceasing Excessive Force by Police Officers to Extinguish Its Deadly Effects [2]

I'm unclear about the main theme of this paper. Am I correct that it is about how to stop police officers from using excessive force that can sometimes lead to deadly consequences?

Assuming that is the case, I would rephrase the title to something like this: How to Curb Excessive Police Force and the Deadly Consequences that Can Result from It

I'd then go into detail about the problem of excessive police force, citing case examples to highlight the problem (especially cases that resulted in deadly consequences).

Then, I'd write about the various ways to prevent excessive force in the first place: better training of police officers (and I'd go into detail here if the paper needs to be 8-9 pages long - for example, list all of the ways in which police training can be modified to help prevent this problem), more Taser use (vs. gun use), etc.. I think quoting people in the know would be very effective here, as long as you do it properly.

Finally, I'd conclude, stating something to the effect of this: Although changing the current system would require much time and effort, it would be well worth it if doing so could help prevent even one death.

I hope that has helped you!

Essays / What is a culture? It's a human behavior that consist of all activity that surrounds us. [5]

Hi, hosseinrt. You asked about how to define "culture." For me, "culture" is everything we do that makes us human and helps us associate with a certain group of people. Often, the word "culture" evokes thoughts of art, music, literature, architecture, fine food and fashion. It's more than those things, though. "Culture" also touches on social norms, manners, technology, work styles, language, preferred forms of entertainment, ways in which we work, things our society values most. I think the term "culture" could be interpreted in many different ways, in fact.

I hope that those thoughts give you some ideas for writing your essay!

Writing Feedback / The percentage of national expenditure on five different countries [2]

Hi IqbalThemi. Here are my suggested changes for you:

The table gives information regardingdisplays national spendingexpenditure on various items (food/drink/tobacco, clothing/footwear, and leisure/entertainment)different items in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden, and Turkey in 2002.

Of the listed countries, Turkey spent the most on food/drink/tobacco (32.14% of national expenditure), followed by Ireland (28.91%), Spain (18.8%), Italy (16.36%), and finally Sweden (15.77%).

In the category of clothing/footwear, Italy spent the most (9% of national expenditure); followed by Turkey, Spain and Ireland (6.63%, 6.51%, and 6.43% respectively); and finally Sweden (5.4%).

In addition, The percentage of consumer spending on leisure/education ofin all of the listed countries was under 5% : Turkey (4.35% of national expenditure), Sweden (3.32%), Italy (3.2%), Ireland (2.21%) and Spain (1.98%) .

You could also discuss how food/drink/tobacco accounted for most of the expenditure in all of the listed countries, and leisure/entertainment accounted for the least.

I hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / What has challenged me and convince to put my next milestone in the Master of Dietetics? [7]

Hi, kenkankun. I'm short on time at the moment, but I can edit a very small section of your essay for you. Here are my proposed changes to the beginning sentences:

My mother's insistence thatalways blocked me and my sisters and meto go out without eating oureat breakfast firstbefore leaving the house each morning sparked my interest in the role good nutrition plays in maintaining health . It was not until college (college biology? college biochemistry? I think you should name the class where you learned about this) that I understood why my mood and energy levels suffered on days that I skipped breakfast.My mother did not have a scientific reason behind that custom, she did that merely because when we skipped our breakfast, we became less enthusiast and experienced unstable mood after school.

I'll try to come back later and do more. Or maybe someone else can help with the next few sentences. I hope that helped a little!

Scholarship / What has challenged me and convince to put my next milestone in the Master of Dietetics? [7]

I just noticed a grammatical error in my revision for you. Here it is again, this time with correct grammar:

My mother's insistence that always blocked me and my sisters and meIto go out without eating our eat breakfast first . eat breakfast before leaving the house each morning sparked my interest in the role good nutrition plays in maintaining health.

Scholarship / Summer Art Intensive Scholarship Essay [2]

Hi, paul. I think you're on the right track with your essay. When applying for a scholarship, you need to explain why you're special, why you deserve the money more than the next applicant. Your altruistic reasons for wanting to be a performing artist are going to help you a lot in that regard, so I think they deserve to be highlighted right from the beginning. Here are my ideas for the "hook" and the beginnings and endings of your paragraphs:

Hook/Beginning of Essay:
Looking out into the audience, I spotted a quiet boy in the very back of the room. It was Jimmy, a patient at the children's hospital where I was volunteering at the time. Jimmy had been physically abused, and was attending my performance between therapy sessions.(I hope I'm not assuming too much when I say "therapy sessions.")After my magic performance, I found Jimmy and offered to teach him a few of the "tricks of the trade." As I explained my techniques, his face lit up and, soon, he was smiling broadly. As I watched his transformation from a shy, insecure boy to an enthusiastic student, I thought, This is what I was meant to do. I want to use performance art to make a difference in people's lives.

Next paragraph:
Just like my experience with Jimmy at the children's hospital, I have found that my most rewarding performances have been those that I have done on a volunteer basis. Art for me isn't for monetary gain ... .

Next paragraph:
I have worked hard to make my dream become a reality. I've kept my educational goals consistent for the past years. I have gathered the tools needed to become a successful student (what tools?) . I've built upon my resume, I've participated in multiple clubs, and have taken challenging courses, and(what else? Maybe persevered to find performance opportunities?) . I have real world experience and I am proud to share the things I've done for communities.

Next paragraph:
Hard work and a desire to make a difference in people's lives are not enough to make my career a reality, however. I unfortunately lack the financial resources to pursue your program's quality training, and that is why I am applying for your scholarship. By supporting my education, these funds ...

What do you think? I hope I have helped you!

Scholarship / Scholarship essay granting 5th semester scholarhsip [2]

Hi, cda2013. Am I correct that your ultimate goal is psychology and life science? If so, you really need to focus more attention on these areas - right now, much of the essay is about your musical interests. I think you can mention your music, but I would de-emphasize it. Remember, you need to show them why you deserve to have your scholarship renewed, not how you're good at music. Here are some suggestions and questions to help you re-focus your essay:

1. Highlight your good grades. You've done very well, and students like you (who study, work hard, make good grades) are the ones who are deserving of scholarship money. Expand on this. Talk about your commitment to education.

2. Why do you want to go into psychology/the life sciences? What kind of contribution can you make to society or the school if you are granted the money to continue your studies? Are you interested in teaching? Do you want to help people with their psychological problems? Do you want to pursue a career that will help you advance science and improve people's health? These would all be very good to mention.

3. Talk about your character. Here is where you can touch on your music pursuits. For example, you could discuss how you are courageous, willing to try new things, and unwilling to people tell you you "can't do it" (as shown by your jump from playing an instrument to singing). You could also talk about how you're comfortable with being in front of an audience, something that could benefit you if you ultimately envision a teaching career.

I hope that has helped!

Undergraduate / 'joining the band as a percussionist' - it is how I solved my conflict [2]

Hi, notblake. I'm going to rearrange things a little to improve your essay:

Throughout my life as a highschool student, I had always dealt with the problem of determining where Inever felt like I fit in with my peers. I had little to nofew friends, which I spent time with, and the majority of my life was meisolatedisolating myself from other people(moved.)I always limited myself to a small number of career options(moved)(I think you need to expand on how you limited your career options. What do you mean by that?) .

During the fall semester of my junior year, I discovered the place that could solve myfound a solution to my problem:conflict: band. Overall, joiningThat semester, I joined the band as a percussionist, a decision that ultimately helped change the way I viewed myself, introduced me to new friends, and opened up a new avenue for a future career.the band as a percussionist changed the way I viewed the outcome of my future and introduced me to some of the greatest friendships I have yet to experience.

Immediately after joining the band, my social skills improved rapidly(moved).Here, I think you should go into detail about how your self-confidence blossomed as you became an accomplished percussionist, and how that helped you get over your shyness and meet new friends. Then, you can bring up the career path that this new interest paved for you (as a music teacher, a performer, a band leader?)

Your conclusion could be something like this:From time to time, I think back on those long band practice sessions and realize that the effort was more than worth it: it changed everything for me.

I hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / What has challenged me and convince to put my next milestone in the Master of Dietetics? [7]

OK, I've come back to work on the rest of your essay:

It was not until college that I understood why my mood and energy levels suffered on days that I skipped breakfast. In sharing this newfound knowledge with my mother, I discovered how much I enjoyed educating others about how a good diet can promote good health. My interest in science, love of learning, and enthusiasm for educating all inspired me to dream about obtaining a Masters of Dietetics.

Undergraduate / "Why do you choose Pharmacy?" - Personal Statement for Monash Uni [3]

Hi, Giantonia. I'll try to help with your personal statement.

Dear Monash University's Admission Team,(Unless you are mailing this separate from your application, I think you could omit this greeting.)

I am currently applying for the thean undergraduate(which course? pharmacy? or is it a pharmacy program?) course you are offering duringin the first semester of the 2016-2017 academic year. Along with my application form and other ...

I would like to start with my greathave beenpassionpassionateforabout science , which accounts principally for my choice of Pharmacy, because grades and certificates might not describe it completely. While typing these words, suddenly the excitement of a twelve-year-old boy learning the very first lessons of Physics and Biology came back to my mindsince a young age . During my early school years, I was the type of student who enjoyed learning about the laws of motion, heat transfer, photosynthesis, and the circulatory system, and found physics experiments captivating and fun. My teachers came to know me as the student who asked all the questions, for I never tired of expanding my knowledge.

It was of great pleasure to examine [...] real applications more than theories.

Taking the advice of well-meaning parents, I began my university years studying economics and business. Although I did well, I soon recognized that "something was missing." My part-time work as a chemistry tutor and my experience taking notes for a friend who was too ill to attend his pharmacy lectures helped convince me that I needed to re-focus on my true love: science. My grandfather is a retired pharmacist, so I began talking to him about the field. I became intrigued at how pharmaceutical science combined biology and chemistry, and was excited to learn about the potential pharmaceutical career opportunities, ranging from research to healthcare. After much contemplation, I decided to leave economic and pursue pharmaceutical science, one of my best decisions to date.

Monash University is my top choice for my pharmaceutical education. Its faculty are renowned within the world of pharmaceutical science, and I would be honored to learn from them. The variety and scope of the offered pharmaceutical courses is also impressive. I have had wonderful experiences studying overseas, and would very much like to do so again, especially in a place as welcoming and culturally-rich as Australia.

In summary, ITo sum up, I believe that I am a self-motivated candidate with a burning enthusiasm for science and athe determination to be a success.relatively mature thinking. I think that with my determination and experience, I could successfully overcome challenges of university life head onbelieve Monash University would be a wonderful match for me, and am confident that I will make it proud .

I hope that has helped you!

Letters / I want to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer because... [2]

Hi, ameenphillips. I think you need to start your essay with an explanation of why you want to join the Peace Corps, then address how you are prepared to handle the inevitable challenges you will face once a member. Here are my suggested changes:

I believe that I have a calling to serve in the Peace Corp. I am committed to educating others about how how to prevent disease and foster good health, and feel that the Peace Corp will be an ideal place for me to do so.

I know that I will face many challenges while serving in the Peace Corps, but my experiences during a memorable camping trip prove to me that I will be able to handle them. When the log my friends and I were using to cross a rapidly moving river successfully broke, I kept calm and helped rescue my friends from drowning. Much of our camping equipment was lost or ruined in the river, but I took charge and remained optimistic, comforting my panicking friends. The next morning, we were awakened by a hungry bear who smelled our beef jerky. Though afraid, I thought fast and threw the jerky as far away from us as possible, hoping the bear would run after it. When that did not work, I persevered, this time quickly retrieving my bear spray and aiming it at the bear. The rest, as they say, is history.

I've heard it said that courage is doing what needs to be done in spite of fear. I now know that I can be courageous, and am confident that I will handle adversity well. I believe that my attitude and integrity make me a great leader, and am motivated enough to carry out the mission of the Peace Corp despite its challenges.

I hope that has helped you! Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The high school students should work because it provides priceless experiences in work and life [3]

It is during the teenage years that most students come to fully understand the value of work. By this age, most students have learned that there is a relationship between work and having nice things. For this reason, I believe that high school is the ideal time to introduce students to "real life" work in the form of part-time jobs.

Part-time jobs can build character, helping students appreciate how hard adults work to provide for their families. They give students the opportunity to feel like they are members of their communities, a feeling which will hopefully encourage them to become good citizens as adults. Part-time jobs can also build connections with people who may be able to help students later in life. Students can form friendships and find mentors early in life by working some during their high school years.

stage is an essential, if not very sensitive, [...] adulthood before they become one.

Teenagers are still in the stage of learning. (Here, maybe you can address how high school students are at a point in their lives where learning new skills and new ways of relating to people may be easier than it would be later in life).They realize math is annoying but deep inside, they [...] tremendously if they worked before they graduate.

High school students who do not pursue part-time jobs are at risk of being unprepared and vulnerable when they try to enter the workforce. They may make mistakes that could have been prevented if they had "learned the ropes" during their high school years. Motivated, intelligent students who do not work during high school can still prevail, but they may find that success comes later for them than it does for their peers who did work.

On the other hand, if teenagers do not have the capacity [...] auspicious for high school students to have jobs.

The nascent stage of teenagers must be optimized in order to completely have the advantage ofteen years are the optimal time for students to prepare for a bright future, and I believe that working during this time helps them to do so . To have this advantage, high school students should ...

I hope that has helped you!

Undergraduate / My uncommon path - I'm ready to return to UCF now [4]

I'm glad you're back! I'm going to work a little bit more on this letter for you.

Dear Admissions Counselor:

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. " Find the year that Winston Churchill said this, and put your citation here (I think in italics). Like:Winston Churchill, 1941but I just made that up, of course). I think I'd follow the way they do it at the beginning of some books.

This Winston Churchill quote is my personal motto. Like Churchill, I believe that failing does not mean you will never reach your goal. It simply means that you will need to go about reaching your goal a different way. This is why I am re-applying to your university, despite an initial set-back in earning my college degree.

When I originally enrolled as a freshman at UCF, I was full of aspirations. I viewed the collegiate experience
embodies the thought that failing a test, course or anything else in life doesn't mean you are prohibited from achieving your goals- it just means you need to go about achieving those goals in a different way. As a UCF freshman I viewed the collegiate experience as one of self discovery ; personal and professional . UCF was going to be the bridge between myteen selfthe teenage and the young professional I aspired to beversions of myself. I tried to do everything right. I prepared for college bymade the right moves in attending the Lou Frey Civic Leadership Academy the summer before I started freshman year.I became a LEAD Scholar while enrolled. Iandeven participated in the Adventure Race, excited about fully embracing the college experience .

That's just a start. Hopefully others can add more (or maybe I'll be able to come back and do more later :) ).

Undergraduate / My uncommon path - I'm ready to return to UCF now [4]

Continued...

It was 2011 when life stepped in and interrupted my college pursuits. My mother was facing foreclosure, and I began to devote nearly all of my time to helping her through the proceedings. I started worked overnight shifts as a hotel auditor to help her with expenses, still going to class during the day. The stress of trying to balance the demands of college with my new responsibilities was overwhelming, but I did the best I could. Despite my efforts, though, my grades started to suffer.

Looking back, I realize that I made two pivotal mistakes during this troublesome time. First, I refused to believe that I could fail while trying to "do it all." I had never encountered a situation so serious before, and was understandably naive about the gravity of the situation and the impact it could potentially have on my studies. Secondly, I failed to reach out for help. It takes maturity to recognize that you need help, and I simply had reached full maturity at that point in my life.

After my disqualification in 2012, I took the time to refocus and transform my life.

Ultimately, I was academically disqualified in 2012 and I took time off from UCF to completely transform my personal life.

I'll try to do more a bit later.

Undergraduate / My uncommon path - I'm ready to return to UCF now [4]

Continued...

After my disqualification in 2012, I got married, and, with the help of my dear husband, slowly began to regain my confidence. I found employment as an executive assistantAfter the foreclosure was lifted from the home and my mother regained her financial independence, I decided to move to [City], [State] (just outside of [City]) with my new husband and I have worked as Executive Assistant to both the Chief Financial Officer and General Counsel at [Employer] in [City] for two years , learning important time management, delegating, and communication skills. My work performance has impressed my employer.(He/She)is eager to see me advance professionally, agreeing to reimburse me for all of my college tuition expenses and promising me a position as a finical risk analyst after graduation.I also enrolled in Harvard University's online program and earned an A in English Composition I. I am now taking English Composition II, and am proud to say that I am on target to earn an A in that class, as well.

Given my success with the Harvard English classes, I feel confident that the online degree option at UCF is the best fit for my needs. I have taken steps to ensure that my workload is diminishedlight in order to be able to complete my online degree by the fall semester of 2017. I have a flexible work schedule that allows me to focus on two online courses per semester, and as a [Employer] employee, I have access to Harvard University resources in addition to UCF resources as a distance learning student . I plan to manage my time and workload in order to stay on top of assignments, establish a study routine, and reach out to professors and/or peers if I need help.

While my proposed path toward earning an undergraduate diploma is less than common, I am confident to state that it's the perfect fitway for me to achieve my goals . I have made enormous personal strides to build up resources and coping strategies that can help me through any challenges I may face as I successfully earn my degree.

I appreciate yourtime inThank you for reviewing my request to allow me to complete the journey I started at as a UCF Knight.

Sincerely,

[Name]

I think this is a winning essay! Hope this has helped you :)

Faq, Help / Note to the forum contributors [5]

Hi, Rajiv. I am unsure about the point you want to get across with this writing. Let me ask you some questions to clarify your intent:

1. What do you want your message to be with this piece of writing? Is this about how parties can be boring? Or are you using this point-of-view to set the reader up for an interesting twist later on (like how THIS particular party ended up being really interesting, really rewarding, etc.)?

2. Is this the beginning of a longer story or is this the complete story?

I think once we know the answers to these questions, we'll be better able to help you with your writing submission.

Also, your tone is quite negative in this piece. I think it's acceptable to take a negative tone while writing in certain circumstances, or for short amounts of time, but be aware that negativity in writing (or anywhere else, for that matter) will inevitably turn some people off (just as too much positivity can be "nauseating").

If I were you, I'd devote fewer sentences in this piece to negative sentiments. You could start off that way, but quickly "turn the corner" and present a more positive tone. Even if you are arguing that parties are a complete waste of time and have absolutely no value whatsoever, you could suggest alternative ways for children to celebrate happy moments, explaining why your proposed ways are better than the types of parties we have now. Just find a way to be balanced in the end.

For example, I have personally found that children's birthday parties are mommy networking events. For stay-at-home moms who aren't out in the workplace, birthday parties are a really wonderful way to meet people who might be helpful on down the line (like if and when these moms ever decide that they want to enter the workforce). Going to children's birthday parties can also be helpful for moms looking for good childcare options - they talk to other moms about which babysitters are good, etc.. I've personally learned a lot about future school options, extracurricular lessons, babysitters and more, just while standing around talking to people at children's birthday parties!

So, let us know where you want to take this piece, and then we can help you refine it.

Scholarship / Lost in a sea of scholarship appeals [3]

Hi, MissSteve. I'm going to suggest some changes, as well:

My name is [My name] and I am currently a senior at [My school]. I am writing tothis appeal the decision not to renew my Regent's scholarship.Afollowing aletter I receivedin the mailI was notified in writing at the first of this month that statedmy scholarship could not be renewed becauseI was rejected consideration for the Regents' scholarship due to nomy high school transcript was neverbeing received. However, I am certain that the transcript was included with the rest of my scholarship re-application paperwork, however . My counselor, [My counselor], was with me when I put the transcript in the envelope, sealed it, and I mailed it shortly afterto you . She has sent a letter to your organization explaining her sideverifying that the transcript was mailed, and I have been contacted to be toldconfirmed that ither letter was successfully delivered.arrived . I have usedput a tremendous amount of effort tointomeetmeeting the class and grade requirements for your scholarship. I am including a second transcript and would greatly appreciate it if yourthe rejection could bewere reconsidered.

I hope this has helped you, and I certainly do hope they renew your scholarship.

Grammar, Usage / Citing a source for racism and death penalty for black men who raped white women in the South [3]

Hi, gza09. Have you tried doing a google search for "MLA citation"? Purdue University has an excellent page (OWL) devoted to how to properly use the MLA style guide. It addresses many types of scenarios (known author, unknown author, multiple authors, etc.) and explains how to do in-text citations and the "Works Cited" listing. I'll defer to their expertise - check it out.

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [8]

Hi, almani. I'm going to help you with the first part of your writing submission:

Each time I want to enroll forin a new English class, I look for an expert teacher who will provide me a useful and relevant language practice , and helpshelp me to expand confidencebecome more confident whenin using English. The teacher is the most important factor that can makein making an English language class successfulthe classsuccess or not . From my personal experiences, and as a student, There were soare many factors canways for a teacher to make an English lesson successful, such as creating a fun and engaging learning environment, being charismatic,teacher charisma , knowledge along with the ability to deal withunderstanding how to work with students at various levels of proficiencydifferent level of students , and developinggivingmany types ofqualityassignment activatesassignments and homework to students .

First, Creating a fun learning environment will improves student learning and creates a pleasant study environment for both teachers and your students. For example, assigned collaborative assignmentsto students can lead numerous benefits. In small groups, students can share strengths and develop their conversation skills. Moreover,Although engaging students can be a challenge, but the a good teacher can faceovercome that challenge by involving theirhis/her students in group discussions. But theThe teacher should also be very careful and aware about that because some kind ofnot to initiate class discussions mightthat could lead to conflict or mistrust. between the students themselves or even teachers; For instance, opening a class discussion with the question,like "Is Apple better than Samsung?," will be better than embarrassing a studentsis a better choice thanby asking them, "Should illegal immigrants be deported?". With well- planned out tasks and close observation,from the teacher that can make the class fun in class very helpful learning experiencesand educational .

There you go, for starters! I hope that has helped you some.

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [8]

Now let me work on your next paragraph:

Secondly, "What the teacher is ,(I think you can omit this comma, unless this is how the quote appears in text) is more important than what he teaches." These words of Karl A. Menninger perfectly describe the importance of teachers in education. So,Whatwhat makes a great English language teacher? Although, the classesclassmaritalmaterialsarehave already been chosen fromby the school's English school department, it can be helpful to bring in outside material that relates to the subject of the day, like short stories, or YouTube videos, which are related to the class that will be so helpful . Since the teacher will beserves asrepresented as a rulerole model for his/her students, especially in Englishhe/shethe teacher have toshould be charismatic, confident, and comfortable speaking in front of the class. As a result, If the teacher is not confident aboutin what he/she is saying, how can the students can bebecome self-assured English speakers?Every Studentshas have a variety ofdifferent talents and learning obstacles, soand needsto get rightthey need customize teaching from their teacherstreatment . In addition to preparing relevant material, good teachers need to be able to tailor their lessons to meet a variety of student needs.So being an expert teacher needs the capability to handle the different ability levels of students beside to preparing for what you teach.

Has this helped you? I may try to work on more later.

Speeches / What Matters Most to Me and Why?------The will to survive [4]

Hi, Sebhoom. I'm going to correct the grammar and word choice in some of your sentences. I'm only pasting the sentences I worked on:

The very fact that I'm alive and here to make a speech is a miracle oflifeitself .

Just as everyany depressed person would do, I shut myself inup and refused to reach out to whoeverthose around me.

Being a rather quiet person, I never drew much attention to myself, and nor did my depression went unnoticed . I suggest you say something here like this: I struggled, but somehow managed to "keep it together."

But soon things were goinggot worse.

that I began to allow the desperation to consume memyself and even conductcontemplated my own death in my mind . In this One very clear morning, I woke up in tears and, feeling despair. And The next thing I knew, I was on a bridge wanting to jump off.

But soon the will to surviveit was takentook over by the will to survive . All thoughts about life were gone, except the knowledge that I had to swim to the bank.

AsLike thea pheonix that rises from the ash, I found my rebirthwas reborn from the river. I survived and I changed after going through the pain I've never had before. From the greatestthis pain, I gathereddeveloped strengththe greatest strengths . Since then I've growncome to see that life is the water that's constantly trying to drown me (this makes it sound like you are still very depressed...) . My will to survive gives me the anchor (I don't think "anchor" makes sense here. Anchors could pull you down to the bottom of the river, drowning you) that I can always use to drag myself back to the bank as long as I hold on to it. Throughout the years, I succeed as much as I fail in many things. There are still all kinds of frustrations and disappointments that force to give up on what's impossile yet I really desiregoals and aspirations . (Maybe you could rephrase these sentiments in a more positive way. Consider something like this: While life has the potential to drag you under just like the river that I almost allowed to drown me, I have developed the strength to persevere, despite moments of sadness and discouragement.) What I learned from my past is that nothing is worse than the loss of one's life. To say that one has to conquer all is a gross understatement because one can always turn away and swim to the bank to see a much better world from far beyond. (I think this last sentence is unclear. Maybe say something along these lines: Despite life's obstacles, there is always a reason to hope, a reason to feel joy, a reason to live.) Thank you.

I hope this has helped you. I am so glad you have overcome the worst of your struggles - what an inspiring story!

Writing Feedback / Essay on why the development of nuclear power should be halted" [3]

Hi, Rybarczyk. I'm going to work on your essay's grammar and word choice:

Over the years,a wealth of various kindsmany new ways of producing energy hashave been evolvingdeveloped . People hashavecameup with ideas such ascreatinglearned to harness energy from the use ofmoving water orand wind . however Not every idea is connected withuses safe, natural resources -andso nowadays we canhave also seen thesee a rapid development of nuclear power. This has to be halted, but why?

FirstThe point that needs to be discussed is a matter of safety. Within decades,the world has seenthere have been a few, huge nuclear leaks, all of wichwhichwerecalamitoushad devastatingin their consequences. People who live in the places whereDwellers of cities in which suchthese catastropheshas occurred had to take a great deal ofmultiple medicines as precaution from theirto prevent genegene's modifications . This medication was usually successful,By and large it worked but not always;,thus there were cases of serious afflictionsorand even death.

Another thing connected with healthdrawback to the use of nuclear power is radioactive waste.A large amount of radioactive waste accumulateswhichis left in bucket-loads after the process of creating nuclear power. Such radioactivity doubtlesslyinevitably harms thehas a negative impact on environment. Consequently,the lives of people as well asand animals who liveliving near the factorynuclear factories are in dangerat risk of developing cancer and even dying from radiation exposure .

To sum up,and make my opinion clear , I am of the opinion that more important reason is radioactive waste is a major problem and the main reason we should halt the development of nuclear power . Even when factories uphold the strict safety regulations that have been established to protect surrounding communities, radioactive waste accumulates as nuclear power is produced. Because this waste stays radioactive for many, many years, it poses a threat to people and the environment for many future generations .It is because safety can be kept thanks to strict control of each factory and quick removal of every mistake. On the contrary radioactive waste is produced always while producing energy that way and it is stored in enormous quantities for many years so the quality of people's lives is on the lower level thanks to bad state of environment.

I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [8]

Yes, I will! Here's some more editing help:

Finally and without a doubt, Homework and in-class assignmentsactivatesteachesteach students how to engage with their studies, problem solve, and think independently, all while improvingto improve their English. SettingDoing homework allowsgives students an opportunity to reviserevisit content learnttaught during the day, facilitating learningandgives them another opportunity to review the class material . Homework assignments can encourage students toIn addition to, homework will teach how to solve problem and use outside resources like a dictionary or the Internet. The most effectiveAs a final point, some of the effective English homework assignments help students develop independent thinking skills that can be applied to reading comprehension, speaking, and even teaching others.choose things for themselves, decide on their own, such as find the main idea for long articles, or like what we did in our class, which is every student have to make a lesson for a certain phrasal verb and teach it for a group of students.It is helpful to assign a variety of different types of homework assignments (including the watching of English movies or short video clips) to keep the material fresh and interesting to students while studying at home. In addition, the kind of homework is also important. Since many students are listen of speak their own native language outside the class successful teacher suppose to assign a variety of assignments to his/her students, like watching movies or short video clips to keep students engaging with English even at home. Homework is allows students and teachers to work more closely together (I think you need to elaborate a bit here by describing how homework helps students and teachers work more closely together - or remove this last sentence.) .

I now feel,after beingMy experience working as a teacher of the group in my class and writing this essayhas shown me that the most successful educators are ones who are able toBeingsuccessful English teachers requires the ability to make learning an entertaining experience.Charismatic teacherslearning can help strengthen students' communication talentsskills,andbuildsbuildself-possessionself-confidence , Moreover, teaching with charisma toand inspire students to think independentlycreate their own visions about their language . Homework canFurthermore, make homework meaningful for students will carries a lot of advantages because it can help students to understandingunderstand their lessons by reinforcing material taught in the classroom.the topic more thoughtful. Effective teachers should use a variety of teaching styles and assignmentsprovide his/her students withmany and variedways of teaching to meet their need toto help students improve their English both in and out of the classroomclassalong with outside classinreal life .

What do you think? Did this help you?

Scholarship / Describe in no more than 500 characters the reason for studying abroad - IELTS Scholarship Essay [2]

Hi, peppyonboard. I think you are on the right track. Here are the questions I think you should ask yourself when brainstorming for your essay:

1. What is it about this program that makes it so special? Is it well-known in your area of interest? Does it offer the best classes, the best professors, or unique training experiences that you can't get elsewhere? Use your essay to highlight why you want to go to school there, rather than somewhere else. Talk about how proud you would be to be a representative for that program.

2. How are you going to "give back" after you receive this scholarship money? They want to hear how you plan to use the skills that you acquire at this program to improve society in some way, whether it be through teaching, research, etc.. Focus on how you are going to benefit mankind.

3. Why are you deserving of this money? Talk about how you are a serious student - you study hard, make good grades, have a goal in mind. Talk about your talents, your skills. Make a good case for why you deserve this money instead of someone else.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The people will eventually lose interest in going to Cinema. Agree or disagree? [3]

Hi, Raj44. I'm going to assume that "LCD" refers to LCD television. Here are my grammar/word choice corrections:

Cinema has been consideredbeen the favoredasanextremelypowerful source of entertainment fromfor many years. HoweverAlthough some people feel that it'sits popularitytrend has decreasedrecently declinedowing to certain reasons , but stil l I believe that it remains a top choice for people seekingcinemainspite of major evolution in the field of entertainment ,the Cinema would not lost it's existance .

To begin withThethe critics of Cinema,they may question whether cinema can compete withit's value as they might think that large- screen, in-home LCD televisions . LCD's withThey argue that LCD televisions offer better video and sound quality may replace cinemathan the cinema can . Nevertheless,Although LCD televisionsLCD'shave improved theprovide high quality of entertainment available atin the home, but stillthe cinemaCinema is often choosen more by people than seeing movie at home ,because it provides better environment to oneself in order to cut-off completly from daily routine and stressesoffers the unique experience of being able to completely escape the stresses of daily life.I personally prefer going to the cinema over watching movies at home because it gives me the opportunity to enjoy a nice, restaurant meal while out for my entertainment.For instance, I feel more relaxed and happy after seeing a movie in a theatre than at home because I also get an opportunity to taste the restaurant food.

Moreover, most of the people in the developing world are from lower middle class families and cannot afford an expensive LCD television for something as trivial as entertainment . Just for the sake of reducing monotony in life ,they cannot afford an LCD worth thousands of rupees.So , Cinema is the only choice left for them.

To sum up, the cinema has been offeringoffersmany benefits totha massesthat other methods of entertainment (such as LCD televisions) cannot.couldnot be possible by use ofany other means ,such as, a LCD . Certainly, the use of Cinema by way of entertainment would not reduce in future.It is inconceivable that it will lose any appeal in the future.

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Lost Scholarship Appeal [4]

Hi, hmbooker. I really like the spirit of your letter, but I do think it's rather long. They probably don't have much time to read appeal letters. I'm going to try to shorten it, using phrases that capture your thoughts in more succinct ways. My goal is also to get to the point faster. Here are my suggestions:

I am writing this letter of appeal in hopes that youwould like to request that the scholarship committee reconsider yourits decision to void my scholarship for the 2015 Springspring semester. I acknowledge that my GPA (2.47) is lower than that required for the scholarship (3.0), but I feel that I have valid reasons for this and am confident that steps I have recently taken will lead to improved grades.The decision not to renew my scholarship was based on the fact that I failed to meet the minimum academic GPA of 3.0; my GPA by the end of my probation period was a 2.47. I fully acknowledge that the loss of my scholarship was entirely my fault, and regardless of your response to this letter, I thank the committee for granting me the scholarship in the first place, as well as taking the time to read this letter.

One of the main reasons I was unable to maintain a 3.0 GPA was that I did not enjoy the mechanical engineering classes I was taking at the beginning of my college experience. I (was a big fan of VS. excelled at ) math(and science? physics?)in high school, so I thought that mechanical engineering would be an ideal major.Although I had a suspicion that engineering was wrong for me byBy the end of my first semester,at The University of Alabama, it should have been clear to me that Mechanical Engineering, my old major, was completely wrong for me. Though I enjoyed the concepts I learned in high school, I found I had no passion for the often confusing mathematics that went into engineering. However, my pride got the better of me, andI persevered, unwilling to quit despite the trouble I was having staying engaged with the material.attempted to continue pursuing a degree in Mechanical Engineering, even though the coursework continued to grow more and more difficult as I grew less and less interested. School, something that I often excelled at and loved in high school, became difficult and dreadful, and I soon began to find myself overwhelmed with classwork. Still, I continued to tell myself this is what I wanted to do, and I honestly thought I could go through with it.By the time I fully admitted that I had made a mistake in my choice of major, it was too late to rehabilitate my GPA.Although I was able to pull my GPA up in the Spring semester of 2014, I still wasn't able to meet the required 3.0 GPA.

Another important factor in my inability to maintain a 3.0 GPA was a less-than-idealDuring this past Fall semester, I knew I had to try harder and get my grades up by the end of the probation period. However, as the coursework increased, I began to give up. Not only that, but my living situation became more difficult to handle . My first set of roommates enjoyed partying, which made studying difficult in the dorm. A subsequent, off-campus roommate (not a student) delivered a baby while living with us, and the stress of having a newborn in the apartment along with the frequent visits from her extended family made focusing on academics almost an impossibility.

During the Fall 2013 and Spring 2014 semesters, I had lived in a dorm with other honors students; this past year, for Fall 2014 and Spring 2015, I have lived in an apartment with at least two others. It started off well when there two UA students living with me, though their frequent partying sometimes left me distracted when I should have been studying. However, due to personal reasons of her own, one of my roommates suddenly moved out and was replaced with a non-student who was expecting a baby. Things only got worse as parties became even more frequent, and when there weren't parties, the new roommates' family began staying the night, day after day, until they were essentially living at the apartment. I began to feel less and less in control, and the stress of having to live with three roommates, a three-year-old, an infant, two older women, a young man or two, and any friends they invited over left me feeling as though I could not fully function in my own apartment. The constant barrage of voices shouting and the wailing of a toddler's tantrum at nearly all hours of the day and night kept me stressed and wholly unwilling to do schoolwork for a subject for which I had lost almost all passion. By around the middle of the semester, I had almost completely given up on school and allowed my grades to drop, bringing my overall GPA to an embarrassing 2.47.

I need to go now, but will try to do more later...Or perhaps someone else can pick up where I left off. Hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Lost Scholarship Appeal [4]

OK, I'm back. Here are more suggestions:

Despite these obstacles, I hold myself responsible for my poor academic performance.I realize now that I should have sought help from my professors, tutors, or the university's advisors as soon as I began to sense that engineering was not a good match for me. Additionally, I should have never allowed myself to stay in living situations that were so harmful to my studies.Regardless of my roommates, it was still my responsibility for keeping up in school. It was entirely my fault that I let my pride get in the way of seeing that Mechanical Engineering wasn't something I was passionate about and switching majors while I still had the scholarship, as well as letting my roommates' many antics distract me from my goals. I also never utilized the many resources The University of Alabama has to offer, like advisors, tutors, or my own professors as I fell behind in class. I understand my mistakes, andI have learned some important life lessons. This semester, I have worked hard to remedy themthe mistakes I made in the past .

First of all, I changed my major. My decision to pursue engineering was based largely on the field's prestige and reputation for providing future job opportunities. After some soul-searching, I realized thathave begun to work towards my goals to graduate with more vigor. Although I chose Mechanical Engineering going into college, mostly for the prestige and many job opportunities, my real passion has always been in the humanities, particularly history. Ever since changing my major to History,I have since changed my major to History. Because my family cannot afford full out-of-state tuition, I was only able to attend school half-time during this 2015 Spring semester, but in that time I have become much more active in class. Where I used to sit quietly and zone out every time I didn't understand something, I now enjoy listeninglistened attentively to the teachers, and often participateparticipated in class discussions. I am pleased to say that I finished this semester withA'searned As infrom both of the (history?) classes that I took this semester, and am looking forward to what future semesters hold.(sentence moved) .

I have also become pro-active in addressing the problems with my living situation. When my roommates' behavior worsened (destroying apartment property, lease violations), I filed I took a real interest in my classes and began thoroughly enjoying the work I put into them after class. Rather than going back to my ever-chaotic apartment, I began making use of the school libraries and other places to study on campus. Although my living situation has gotten somewhat worse, with one of my roommates' friends smashing windows open and cutting holes through the door to our currently unoccupied room to use that room for their own purposes, I've begun taking control of the situation by filing complaints and a transfer request with the apartment complex management. for lease violations and a transfer request to the apartment complex management, and I no longer let their distractions dictate the trajectory of my own life. I am pleased to say that I finished this semester with A's from both of the classes I took, and I am looking forward to my next semester.I've also found reliably quiet places to study, so I am no longer distracted by others.

I love the University of Alabama, but without a scholarship to offset the out-of-state tuition,My family and I cannot afford out-of-state tuition, so without this scholarship, I may have to seriously consider transferringtransfer to a college in my home state ,of Georgia, to be able to continue affording college . However, I absolutely love it here at UA, and As a History major and an aspiring archivist, I think that I can well represent this university. I understand that I squandered the opportunity given to me, but I have learned from my mistakes, and I hope that you will give me one more chance. If I am granted this scholarship again, I will not take it for granted, and I will continue to study hard to keep it in the future. I sincerely hope that the committee will reconsider theirits decision and reinstate my scholarship for the Spring semester.

Again,I Thank youthe Undergraduate Admissions Scholarship Committee for taking the time to read this letter, as well as providing me the opportunity to explain my situation and the reasons for making the mistakes I made.

I hope that has helped you!

Writing Feedback / Weed, the blessing and the curse. [4]

Hi, ernymorphy. Here are some additional, suggested changes to your grammar, punctuation, and word choice:

Smoking Ww eed ( also known as marijuana, Cc annabis, blunt, Gg anja, pot, Dand d ope, just to name a few) is becoming, a phenomenon, no longer a crime.,Thiswhich brings us to thetwo big questions;: What are the benefits and detrimental effects of weed, and do we have enough information to make the decision to indulge?

Cannabis ( as it was called before the 1930's1930s)was aused to be a legal drug available on pharmacy shelves and prescribed by doctors. It became illegal in 1937 due to propaganda from then commissioner of the federal bureau of narcotics, Henry J. Anslinger,. The potency of the drug since then has increased drastically since then .

Many medications are tested for years before they are allowedapproved for public comsumption by the FDA for public consumption are tested for years . Most people would not want to consume drugs that hadn'tthem if they haven't been approval of these drugsyet received FDA approval . Vaccines that could save millions are still being debated upon by many (I think this sentence is extraneous - it's repeating a concept you have just addressed) . In the case of marijuana, however, many people are willing to experiment andwant to play the role of the researchers that is, take the drug any ways and throw reason aside.without a full understanding of all of its effects.

(I'm going to rearrange this paragraph)Unlike the rational, clear, specific, scientific approach used to study most drugs, the research that has been done on marijuana consumption has been mainly observational. Observation studies alone cannot be used to establish scientific facts. Scientific methods are specific and clear but in the case of marijuana most of this protocol is being jumped . Indeed, mM ost of the studies on marijuana's effects are unable to explain the drug'sconclusions are always towards the fact that the mechanism of action is not understood. . One thing does seem clear from the research, however: heavy cannabis consumption starting in the early teen yearsThere might be some doubt on the effect of marijuana on an individual who started consumption in their adult hood but there is scientific evidence backing the fact that heavy cannabis consumption in early teens to adult hood leads to significant decline in IQ scores.

{80% (You should use a citation when using statistics. Where did you come up with this number?) of the cases or articles supporting marijuana consumption are mainly observational.}

Contrary to some large scale publications before,Tt here is evidence that marijuana use can result inthere can be long- lasting changes in the functioning of the hippocampus and the brain' s reward system and the hippocampus . BrainImaging scans show significant brain cell damage in the brains of those who consume weed. These effects are mild for adultswho started using marijuana after the age of 24 years of age and depend on the amount ofwith the percentage of TCH in the weedmarijuana that is consumed . For teenagers and people belowunder the age of 24 and teenagers, the consequences are different and more severe. Prior to age 24,yourthe prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and this(the part of the brain is responsible for planning, thinking, proper communication, and interaction) is not fully developed(and, therefore, is more vulnerable to the effects of marijuana?) . Marijuana impairsharms the brain's white matermatter, impairing nerve signal communication and preventinghighway of communication in the brain prevent proper development of the frontal cortex of the brain .

This is a long essay, so I'm going to take a break. I'll try to do more later - if not, hopefully someone else will pick up where I left off. Hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / The amount of world's energy use in 2010 by type of its sources [3]

Hi, intiaiqbal92. I'm going to help with your grammar and word choice:

The chart givesdisplaysinformation regardinga percentage breakdown of the sources ofthe energy used throughout the worldand parts of renewable energy in 2010 and is measured in percentage .

Petroleum was the most commonly used energy resource in 2010, supplying 39% of the energy consumed worldwide during that year.In general, it can be seen ...In detail, the petroleum ... had been used by people. The next most common source ... Then, people consumed 23 percent [...] energy supplies. Nuclear energy andFollowing this trend, the percentage of nuclear and renewable power use had more or less the same levelresources accounted for 8% and 7% of global consumed energy in 2010 respectively. . Eight-percent of the world's ...

Within the renewable sector (7% of total energy consumption in 2010) , there are different sources of energy. Biomassbiomass and hydroelectric energy were the dominant resourcesin, accounting forthis sector at 53%percent and 36%percentof all renewable resources respectively.,whereas the percentage ofSolar and geothermal energy both provided 5% of the total renewable energy consumed in 2010. Wind energy accounted foruse was the smallest figurethe least amount of renewable forms of energy used in 2010 (1%).at 1 %. In addition, ... people in 2010.

I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [8]

I think that you should explain to your teacher that you received help with your English grammar and punctuation on this forum, but the ideas represented in the piece are all yours.

Writing Feedback / The optimum location for wind turbine is in high land as the wind strengths are maximum [2]

Stacy, your information is accurate and complete, but I think my suggestions will help make your writing "sound" better. It's challenging to try to clearly describe the workings of a complex piece of machinery! My advice for future projects would be to simplify and shorten your sentences, plan out your paragraph contents (restrict a paragraph to one main idea, start a new paragraph for each new idea), double check your punctuation/capitalization, and proofread for mistakes.

Writing Feedback / The amount of world's energy use in 2010 by type of its sources [3]

These type of assignments are challenging in my opinion, but your did a good job presenting accurate and detailed information about the chart.

My suggestions for future projects are the following:

1. Review my grammar corrections and read, read, read to improve your English proficiency. The more you read, the better you will write!
2. Plan out your paragraph structure in advance. Assign a basic thought to each paragraph, then start a new paragraph when you introduce a new, main thought. Practice the grouping of your thoughts into paragraphs. Be organized about how you present your material.

Best of luck! It was a pleasure helping you!

Writing Feedback / Tourism in Nepal - number of foreigners visiting this country [3]

Hi, aseprudi. Here are my suggested changes to your word choice. My suggested changes are inblueand explanations for why I'm suggesting the changes are inred.

The pie(it's a good idea to use this modifier to separate the pie chart from the table, just in case someone gets confused) chart revealsprovides(I think this is a more appropriate verb to use to describe what the chart is showing)a percentage breakdown of the nationalities of Nepal's visitors in March 2008.(this is a quicker way to say what you are trying to say) the number of foreigners from different regions who visit Nepal in March 2008 and is measured in percentage, and The table depicts(again, a better verb for this situation)measureshow many more visitors came to Nepal from each country in March 2008 thanthe increasing number from March 2007.

(This starts a new idea, so I'm going to use it to start a new paragraph)Overall,it is noticeable that The number of tourists from all countriesin several regions increased by 5,910 over the sampleda year. New European visitors accounted for the largest portion of this increase; Nepal's European tourist count increased by 3,321 between March 2007 to March 2008.(This is a faster, smoother way to express your ideas)In addition, the total number of visitors from all regions from March 2007 to 2008 expanded to 5,910, which was 16 per cent. While the number of tourists from Europe saw as the highest point at 3,321,The number of Asian touristsexperienced as the lowest point atincreased the least during the sampled year, up by merely 188.(this sentence belongs in this paragraph). .

However, the Europeans were the most popular tourists coming to Nepal.This is already stated in the following paragraph)

I think you should consider putting this paragraph before the one about the chart since this focuses on just one year, while the chart compares two years. Also, you should be consistent in the order in which you describe and explain each graphic)Turning toIn March 2008, Asians(38 per cent) and Europeans(37 per cent)accounted for the majority of Nepal's tourists (38% and 37% respectively).experienced as higher number of tourists than the other regions when it came to visiting Nepal.On the other hand,thelowest point ofvisitors was Australiansaccounted for the fewest of Nepal's March 2008 tourists (4%) , which was solely less than one in twenty. North Americans, South Americans, and visitors from other countries accounted for the rest of Nepal's March 2008 tourists (Afterwards, at 21%)per cent, North and South America and other regions showed as the remaining visitors to Nepal . (These suggestions are to show you clearer ways to express your thoughts)

Most of the changes I'm making are to help you express your thoughts more clearly and succinctly. These exercises are really tough, so take heart. I think you did great analyzing the information.