Posts by Hiddengrace

Hiddengrace

Aug 15, 2017

Undergraduate / Common App Prompt 5 - Personal Growth through Spanish Dance [7]

Hi Ethan! Welcome to EF. I really like what you have written; it is engaging, funny, and descriptive. However, this is also the problem. It reads like a story and not like an essay. You have not discussed the event or accomplishment in essay format. You have not included what is expected, such as how this experience changed you, influenced your growth, what you learned, etc.... This prompt is really an opportunity for you to show yourself in a deeper way and how you have changed in a positive way because of this event. Your essay only focuses on the even without any of the good stuff they really want to know. You are attempting it fit all of this in in the last two lines of your essay rather than dedicating a good third of your essay to it.

If you want to stick with this story as your event/ accomplishment, think about it as it relates to the rest of the prompt. What period of transition, growth, or new thinking did this experience inspire? How did your understanding of yourself or others change because of this experience? For this specific experience, how did your dedication to this dance influence you? How did you develop as a student or as a person? It seems to me that the major developments are perseverance as a student despite dance not being of interest to you, and learning to let go a little bit and not be so methodical or analytical about everything in life. It has to be more than just doing over thinking. Be specific. Doing over thinking might be the transition and start of growth, but what is the ultimate ending where your understanding has been changed?

Also, your essay reads much too informally. I think because you are trying to tell a story instead of writing an essay.

Hiddengrace

Aug 8, 2017

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Dramatic Essay - "Hear My Notes" [6]

@Kiera9473, I see that you are working hard to make your story flow better, but I still think it's too much in one essay. you are severely limiting your storytelling capabilities by trying to do too much in a limited amount of space. I think the best part is the August 3rd sequence, and I think with some skill, you can also get in bits and pieces of the other parts too. Also, since this all happened in the past, why did you choose present tense instead of past tense?

If this were my story, I might write something like this:

Visiting my grandmother in the hospital, I couldn't help but remember her as the lively, encouraging role model she has always been to me. Even though she was pale and fragile in that hospital bed, she still cared more about me than she did about herself. I don't know how she did it. I felt so hollow I could barely form a sentence, and she was the one asking me what was wrong when it should have been the other way around. I noticed the box in the corner of her hospital room. She had brought her guitar with her even though she barely played it, and she couldn't know that that meant to me. Looking at the guitar, still in it's cheap box, I remembered the day she told me she was going to buy one. That was the same day that I decided I wanted to learn, the day my rockstar dreams were born. Ironically, my social anxiety made it hard to have even the simplest conversations in public; I knew my anxiety would add to the challenge, but my grandmother believed in me.

"Work hard in silence," she told me. "Let your success be your noise." I grew more confident with her encouragement, even though my mother wouldn't even let my get a guitar then. It didn't matter to my grandmother. In fact, she thought it would be fun to get her own guitar, too, so that we could learn together. "We could be our own little band," she told me, and though I didn't even have a guitar, I believed her. She would learn to play just for me. Those finger callouses would be worth it to her if it helped me to stop worrying and be myself.

Do you see how much more that feels like a story? I used what you wrote, but I slowed it down, and added in descriptions and actions (which you could add more). It's okay for the story to be in your head, so to speak, more than action and dialogue, but yours is so jumpy and the sentences are so choppy that it fells.... sloppy. I also changed up the order, used the last part as the beginning and then transitioned into remembering the past, and then you can go back into the future again.

Hiddengrace

Aug 8, 2017

Undergraduate / "The Significant BANG" - Common Application Essay (Significant Experience) [3]

I have to agree with @Holt here. Also, I think you are skirting around the answer instead of answering it directly. Just because you haven't had that big bang in your life that suddenly changes everything, doesn't mean you haven't had some sort of "awakening" or turning point in your life. It feels like you are trying to tell this huge life story instead of really focusing on one or two things and then fleshing them out and making them detailed.

For example:

I knew I could do better and I knew I had potential primarily because my teachers kept on saying so, I just lacked the initiative. That's why it was the first thing I tried to change.

Well there you go, that's something. That's a turning point in your life that changed the way you went about your life and the way you saw your life. However, the way you say it really does you a disservice. You focus more on how teachers said you lacked initiative and potential more than the way it affected you and helped define who you decided to be.

Hiddengrace

Aug 7, 2017

Graduate / Graduate Degree - opinions on Transfer Master's Student Personal Statement [4]

Hey Darry! I really like your essay. It sounds like you have gone through a lot of struggles in your life but continue to work hard to overcome them, and your essay really conveys that. However, I think you're trying to fit too much of your life history into this one essay. You have your undergraduate study, your mom's cancer and taking care of the house/ your family, freelance writing, appendix surgery, the engineering job, research/advanced materials, and other health issues during graduate school. That's a lot! I know the prompt is asking for a few things, especially difficulties you have overcome, but you really don't need everything you have included. You are using a lot of room to tell these mini stories- the problem is you have too many of them, they're all really small and short and you don't describe them each in depth, and it jumps around a lot and reads very incoherently. I can tell that you want to focus on the hardships you have overcome, but using one of your examples here is enough. And, if you use one, you can really tell the story in depth and talk about what you learned from it and how it affected you. Try to tell the story in two or three paragraphs instead of just a few sentences.

If it were my paper I think I would talk the most about what happened to get you dismissed from your graduate program. That's kind of a big deal and I think they are going to want to know what happened, why, and how you have dealt with it. They want to know what happened then, and how you have learned and grown from it that it's going to make you successful this time and not happen again.

Hiddengrace

Jul 30, 2017

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Dramatic Essay - "Hear My Notes" [6]

I see that you did some revisions but it still doesn't flow as a coherent story. I like that you added more dialogue, but I still think it needs a narrower focus. It seems like you're trying to tell this huge story, from you practicing, your grandmother's voice and a short conversation, telling her your dream, her getting a guitar, visiting her at the hospital, and again practicing.

I get that you're trying to convey this journey you had and why it led you to this point, but each little scene reads like a flashback and they don't add up to create the story of one event. Further, it highlights your practicing guitar alone in your room, which the least powerful out of everything you've got in this essay.

I still think that highlighting one scene from this story will make a world of difference. It'll give you the room to create a setting that the reader can visualize and allow them to get into your head at the exact moment you want them to be.

Also, just an editing note- watch your tenses. You switch back and forth a lot between past and present tense and that should be fixed.

Hiddengrace

Jul 30, 2017

Writing Feedback / My most unforgettable meal [4]

Hi there Wu Mei. What exactly was the prompt or assignment? Your essay is succinct and short, but I think you need to create a story here. Try adding in some more details like how you were feeling during the dinner (were you jet lagged? excited? nervous?), what the table looked like, what the atmosphere was like (noisy, people talking, quiet, etc..). Try thinking about how you felt when you took that first bite. Did you know it was going to be hot? Did you eat it anyway or did you not eat anything? How specifically did you feel? What has your reaction? Did you try to cover it up that your mouth was on fire or did you yell or gulp down a glass of water? You have a good start but you can definitely go further with this! Try to write so that the reader gets a clear picture of the situation.

Hiddengrace

Jul 30, 2017

Undergraduate / How to call out my identity? Common Application prompt 1 - Personal Statement [6]

Hmm... I'm so sorry it was discouraging. I thought it was an interesting, compelling read, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate as a response to the prompt.

Your first sentence/ paragraph states "I have always wanted to answer that question but did not know how to call out my identity." I read that to mean this is something that writing this essay prompted you to think about in depth for the first time. To me, if you had wanted to think about this question in the past, you would have come up with some way to articulate and define yourself. And clearly, you have found the words to do so, as you describe in your essay.

Perhaps something along the lines of "My life has been a quest to understand myself and how I am unique in comparison to others. This is something that I have long contemplated but struggled with articulating.

The best part of your essay is the last three paragraphs (excluding the question at the end). I think a good idea might be to explain the talk first, and then connect it to your life. You could say that you saw this talk about it basically smacked you in the face because it described you so well. Then, explain what multipotenitality means and how it applies to you and why it's important.

I think if you're going to stay on this topic, it might be better to use your space to explain how this has had a positive impact on you and why knowing all of these things makes you a stronger candidate/ student/ person than anyone else.I would also expand more on having an open mind and not being so limited in the potential you see in yourself. It reminds me of a chess game, where you have to think so far ahead and consider so many possibilities. Except you're not just considering how to win the chess game, but monopoly, and poker, and Call of Duty. And there's nothing wrong with that, except you're writing an essay on why you're the best at chess (to continue the metaphor there). I think you should say how these experiences contributed to your self esteem and goals, and how each thing you learn compounds on the previous things to change your viewpoints or impact your life in some way. Think about the superpowers discussed in the tedtalk you mentioned. Do you have those? How can you include those in your essay?

I actually really like your defiance of the norm and expected (and I see a lot of myself in your essay), and it's certainly a refreshing take but I'm still not sure if it's doing you a favor since colleges are generally traditional institutions. I've also seen this talk and loved it. I agree that it sucks to have to choose one thing in life and you're stuck with it (mostly), and that's why I chose a field where there is room for choice in what I do, and how and where I do it. Maybe it would be better if I knew what you were actually applying for.

Hiddengrace

Jul 29, 2017

Undergraduate / How to call out my identity? Common Application prompt 1 - Personal Statement [6]

Hi there! I'm not sure your response actually answers the prompt. Maybe your goal was to share your interest/ talent in multipotenitality, but it reads very scattered and incoherent. It seems like you're also saying that this isn't something you have thought about until now, which probably won't garner a favorable reaction from the reader. I don't think I'd recommend going this route, but if you do I think you need to really affirm why playing the keyboard at 4 and painting at 7 and taekwondo and all that stuff has shaped you. Because honestly the read I get is that you have a lot of interests but you haven't mastered any of them. You say you dive in, get consumed, learn, but then quit. That's not a positive thing to express in this kind of application. This essay also reads a lot like a fantasy ,especially when your ideas become very flighty towards the end. I think if you are going to stay with this topic, I would maybe choose one idea you have and expand on it.

Your essay also reads a little bit immature. I'm not sure how old you are, but one of the realities of life is that as you get older you make sacrifices for you and your family's well being. It doesn't mean you have to choose something you hate because it makes a living, However, it does mean that it's better to excel at one thing that you could possibly make an enjoyable career out of. It's a sad fact of life.

Hiddengrace

Jul 28, 2017

Graduate / Why MBA, why Goodman? Comments for The Statement of Interest - application for MBA [4]

Hi Emily! I think you've done a good job of answering everything in one page, but I think that you could cut down the information about your past. If you do this, you'll have more room to add something to the essay that responds to the prompt, since you don't need to expound on your history and previous accomplishments. The majority of your essay focuses on past experiences instead of answering the questions, which is unnecessary. I get that you want to provide a framework of understanding as a foundation for your goals, but you are losing the chance to expand on those goals.

Look at the difference here:

.. nonprescription ~~drug~~ medication. ..in sales and marketing, I ~~always~~ aim at to ~~being the brand manager who is able to undertake~~ excel at the process of branding and positioning within the pharmaceutical industry, a scientifically driven market. Where are the short term goals?In the long term, ...

I think you also need to explain more specifically why an MBA would help you achieve these goals. You say what skills you would get from the program, but not how the skills will help you achieve these goals. I think you have a good start, but it needs to be cleaned up, tightened, and checked for grammar and punctuation.

Hiddengrace

Apr 11, 2017

Scholarship / This school will lead me to the teacher profession. Australia Awards Scholarship Essay 2 [4]

Hi there!
First off, why are you discussing two different programs at two different schools? You cannot have a specific essay if you are referring to two different schools. How will the reader know which program you are referring to? Unless it's explicitly stated that it's okay to use more than one program in your essay, I would stick to simply discussing one program.

Also, I don't think this is a very effective essay because you are focusing a lot on the skills that you lack. That's not very appealing to a school or to anyone reading this. Your essay is all about the skills you don't have. I think you need to sell yourself a little more! Yes, you need the education to further your efforts and achieve your goals, but you can still focus on all of your positive achievements and what skills you do have that make you a successful student and, in the future, a successful teacher. I think it's okay to say that there are things you want to work on, but I wouldn't make your essay all about that.

For example, instead of: "Sometimes I wonder how to deal with students who are not too motivated in learning English or how to develop communicative and effective teaching materials. I did try to discuss it with fellow teachers yet nothing really works"

"I am continuously working to improve my skills as a teacher. Even though many of my students are not motivated to learn English, I am always seeking new ways to communicate with my students and motivate them to learn. I am highly collaborative, so I regularly attend professional development training and seek out advice from my more experienced colleagues." This shows that even though you struggle, you are focused on the positive. Instead of highlighting the struggle, it highlights the fact that you are motivated to improve your skills.

Hiddengrace

Aug 13, 2016

Scholarship / Outline why you have selected your chosen courses and how this relates to your plans for the future [2]

Hi Yusuf. Welcome to Essay Forum!

I've read your essay a few times now, and I must say I don't think you are really devoting the proper amount of space to the prompt as you should be. You spend half of your essay explaining why you chose the UK and Chevening, which are not necessary at all. These are just taking up space in your essay that you could be using to answer the prompt. Only the last three sentences of your first paragraph are really necessary, and I think that might be a good place to start your essay.

Your last paragraph is really where you get to the important things that answer the prompt. However, your sentences are a little too complex with large words that make it almost hard to understand. Try using words that are easier to understand and simpler sentences to make your meaning more clear to the reader.

Also, I'd suggest writing more. You have up to 500 words, so why not use all of that space?

Take care!

Hiddengrace

Aug 12, 2016

Undergraduate / Teaching: The Myth and the Reality - interest that truly fascinates, amazes, and mystifies me [2]

Hey Jacques, welcome to Essay Forum! I think you have a nice start to this essay here. You have given some great images here and the reader can clearly picture you as a 7 year old in a college class. However, I do think your essay can be made stronger.

Your opening paragraph isn't strong enough. It just doesn't grab the reader and pull them in. A good introduction makes the reader want to learn more about the writer. At first, I didn't even realize that was the start of your essay. I thought you were letting us at EF know that you chose to write about teaching. You never have to tell someone you're going to write about your subject. Simply writing about it is much more effective.

I also don't feel like your essay is quite academic or formal enough. Your language is a little bit casual and should be tightened up a little bit. Your words can be a little bit hard to follow in some sections so I'd suggest working more on language and flow. This means making sure that your essay can easily move from point to point and that all your points are in the most effective order.

I think something that would really improve your essay would be to talk more about your experiences as a teaching assistant. You talk briefly about learning "patience, perseverance, and passion," but I would go into much more detail. Describe the work you did. Explain more about how you were able to practice patience and perseverance. How did this experience effect you as a student and how will what you learned help you be more successful?

That's all the feedback I have for you. Keep working and feel free to post an updated draft to this thread when you're ready for more feedback. Take care.

Hiddengrace

Aug 8, 2016

Undergraduate / The Semester at Sea program has been a dream of mine since I found out about it as a junior [6]

Hi again Courtney! Your essay is definitely on the way! I still think your essay can be tightened up further.

For example, "the knowledge of so many different cultures" can become "multicultural awareness"

what is going on in the world around me can be "problems in global communities" or even more simply, "global consciousness" I know it sounds kind of pretentious, but those are simpler, easier ways to say what you mean in a concise way. Think about ways to tighten up your writing in this essay even more.

You talk a lot about gaining knowledge in your first paragraph, but I'm not sure what knowledge you mean. I think you should be more specific if possible.

I would also explain Ubuntu a little bit more. For example: philosophy of Ubuntu is very important to me. Ubuntu's basic philosophy is "I am what I am because of what we all are."

Further to this, I would go into more detail about why it' "very important" to you, personally.

That's all I have for you now. Keep working and come back if you have another edited draft. Take care.

Hiddengrace

Aug 7, 2016

Poetry / STANDING FOR OUR VALUES; BLACK NOT FAKE [4]

In your poem, you write:
Hide not under the shadows
But by the value instilled in thee

I was just wondering that the value was that was instilled. It's kind of vague, so I think having a concrete image of whatever value you mean could be powerful.

Hiddengrace

Aug 6, 2016

Faq, Help / Resource for EF Members: How To Leave Helpful Essay Critiques [4]

Hey there Mochtar! Thanks for your response! :) I wish we had an official thread like this that was linked at the bottom, in the TOS, or somewhere on the site. Hint hint, cough cough, EF Admin.

I just meant that the use of FANBOYS is something to consider when editing for word choice, as in, is the writer using too many of them. Maybe that was unclear? I didn't mean to say that they were not something that shouldn't be mentioned. I just never heard of this term before I came to EF, but I definitely think it's a useful thing to let people know if their usage is too overt.

Definitely a good idea for contributors to be on the lookout for unhelpful posts that may result in suspension. I think it's also a really good idea for us to bounce our feedback off of each other, like if you comment on something I might agree with you or focus my feedback on something you didn't mention.

Hiddengrace

Aug 6, 2016

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [26]

I see this thread was brought back. Sweet.

The f-bomb. Well, the only time I've ever used that was in poetry and it was always well received by my professors.
My general writing failure is being overly, extremely, exceedingly, and remarkably verbose. Yup, I'm, super wordy.

Once, in class, my professor had us add punctuation marks to this: "Woman without her man is nothing." Well, none of the other females in the class liked me when I made it "Woman, without her man, is nothing" All the females translated it to "Woman: without her, man is nothing." It was a great lesson on the effect of punctuation.

Hiddengrace

Aug 6, 2016

Scholarship / WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN STUDYING AT UBC? HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF FITTING INTO THE UBC COMMUNITY? [8]

This is an example from my personal graduate school entrance essay. It's not too in depth regarding the school because I had a lot to write about and that wasn't the most important thing, but you can see how I tied the school back to myself.

As I pursue my graduate education, I hope to learn in an environment committed to public service with likeminded individuals and inspiring professors where I am able to grow further as a social worker. I consider Hunter a stimulating and inspiring intellectual environment, with professors I can relate to as mentors and professional colleagues, and where I am urged to make meaningful contributions to social work and to our community. I expect to fully participate as an active member of the Social Work community. Beyond being simply a participant, I look forward to being a force for social change.

I could have just as easily said: "Hunter College is committed to public service, and they have inspiring professors. Hunter is a stimulating environment where they urge students to make contributions to society." Do you see the difference there? I talked about how I hoped to utilize the things I saw the college as possessing, instead of just reiterating all of their positive qualities back to them.

Hiddengrace

Aug 6, 2016

Graduate / PTCAS - Doctorate of Physical Therapy - Application Essay (Where to go from here) [5]

I was actually just reading something about this prompt and a lot of people said they found it confusing. They said because they don't ask specifically about your views, experiences, or opinions on professionalism, that made figuring out what to write tricky. However, I think that's exactly what the prompt is asking. This is the website I am referring to and there are some good ideas on how to structure the essay in the very last comment, so give that a read.It might be helpful for you. This will also give you some ideas on what to write and how to make your essay more personal.

forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/dpt-2016-2017-essay-prompt.1200735/

Also, you still have a good amount of words to write with, it looks like. I would suggest editing what you have in order to make it more succinct and less wordy. Then you will definitely have extra room to talk more about professionalism, your personal experiences, and add a nice conclusion.

As fas as being on topic, I think the prompt is actually pretty general for a reason. They discuss that, too, in the above link.

Here are some resources for you:

Professionalism in general: greensheet.com/gs_archive.php?issue_number=050801&story=12

Professionalism in PT: pittphysicaltherapy.com/join-our-cause/apta-core-values

These might help you with more ideas.

Hope I've given you some good resources! I'd like to see your edited draft, so post it to this thread when it's done.

Hiddengrace

Aug 6, 2016

Faq, Help / Resource for EF Members: How To Leave Helpful Essay Critiques [4]

Hey EF family! This is something I've been thinking about a lot. I'm going to outline some different ways to leave feedback and some ways to make sure your feedback is helpful to the owner of the essay. None of this is anything mandatory or even coming from the EF Admin team; it's simply a compendium of my thoughts and ideas that might be helpful. When you join EF, there's really not a resource that tells you exactly what kind of feedback you can leave. That's what makes it great because there are lots of different opinions and things you can leave feedback on. Feel free to add any ideas you might have or any additions to this (not so little) little thread in the comments below. We're all part of the same team so any comments, ideas, etc... are welcome!

Greeting the writer of the essay:
Say hello! Welcome them to the forum if they are new here. Some people do this and some don't. Personally, I think it sets the tone for your feedback and just gives you a chance to be positive. A lot of us tend to have more negative critiques, so we just jump right into edits.We say what didn't work or what we think should be changed.

Saying hello and welcoming them is a nice way to help members feel welcomed before we rush into giving them feedback. Members have said in the past that as editors, we can be a little bit negative or less than polite. I feel like that comes from rushing to post our edits and not being personable about it.

Contributors like justivy03 are really good at saying hello, welcoming members, and saying goodbye. Definitely check out the way that Ivy formulates her feedback for a good example of this.

This is a really simple thing you can do that will go a long way with essay authors.

The Compliment Sandwich Method:
This is a method of leaving feedback in a more formatted way. You can fill in this part with feedback based on any of the methods listed below (if you choose to). This is also a nice way to create more balanced feedback.

The actual feedback you give can vary, as most responses do. Whatever you are commenting on would go in the middle section of your comment.

To use this method, you start of by saying something positive about the essay. It could be something you liked, something they did well, or something that just stood out to you in a positive way. Then, you give the feedback or edits. This is the mostly negative stuff, the corrections, things you think should be changed, or grammatical edits. Then, to conclude your message, you say something positive again.

What I usually do at the end is say something about how I think they have a great start to their essay and hope they keep working on it. I also invite them to post edited drafts (to the same thread) and offer to come back and take another look. It's really simple but it does make a difference.

Different types of feedback:

1. Ensuring the essay meets the prompt
This tends to be a good feedback choice when editing any kind of entrance essay, since answering the entire prompt can be very important. This kind of feedback won't generally be appropriate for things like IELT/ TOEFL essays.

You can break down the prompt into parts- either in your head or actually in your response. Read the essay looking for all of the parts of the prompt you defined and let the author know your opinion on how well they answered it.

There was an essay I reviewed not long ago where I broke the prompt up into 8+ parts and commented on how well (or poorly) they answered each part and what my opinions were on each part they had written.

You can write about how well they answered the prompt or if the essay fits the prompt and give suggestions to what they didn't answer clearly enough (or at all). Some people have great essays but they don't really fulfill what is being asked.

2. Editing for Content
This is actually similar to the above, but less prompt-focused. Many members write general personal statements/ statements of purpose or other essay types which can be edited for content.

This is mostly done on things like entrance essays or letters. It's not really relevant to IELTS/ TOEFL essays.
Editing for content is pretty much any comment, feedback, critique or idea about their essay that's not punctuation, grammar, or word choice errors.
Is the writer showing or telling? Showing can be much more powerful and something I tend to encourage a lot.
Is their writing relevant to the essay? What about tone? Are they using negative words/ tone? Is their essay formal or academic enough?
Is their introduction strong and relevant? What about their conclusion?
How's their formatting? Do they have nice paragraphs or huge blocks of text?
Editing for content tends to be done before you do grammatical type editing. Why? Because getting the right content is more important, and it might be a waste of time to edit in that way if they change the content of the essay. The content is important for a strong foundation of the essay.

This type of feedback is probably what I give the most, especially because I personally prefer editing things like entrance essays.

3 Editing for grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc..
This tends to be the most common type of feedback you'll see here. I feel like it's also the easiest and quickest among the three I've listed here.

This is also the most common and most helpful type of feedback for IELTS/ TOEFL essays.
Many people tend to use the different font colors and strike tool to help with editing; this works really well ensuring all the edits and changes you're suggesting are clear.

I think most of us have a pretty solid understanding of proper grammar, although it does tend to vary by country. For example, I cringe every time I see the word "advices" being given as an edit, but in many places "advices" is correct.

Are they using the wrong word (they're, their, there, etc...)? Do plurals agree?
Punctuation, again, is something I'm pretty sure we all, as editors here, have a solid understanding of.
I tend to notice a lot of run on sentences that can easily be solved with a semi colon (and, actually, same with strings of overly simple sentences).

Word choice tends to be my favorite of these three. Are their sentences and paragraphs clearly understandable? Is their writing succinct or verbose? Word choice can definitely help with being to simple or too wordy. Are they using too many FANBOYS (I never knew what this meant until seeing it here)?

With word choice, sometimes it helps to re-write a sentence or two for the author so they can get a sense of how to choose better words.

When it comes to feedback, there's no right or wrong way to do it as longs as your comments are helpful (as per the TOS). You can mix and match the three types I've discussed, mix and match part three (punctuation, grammar, and word choice) or do something entirely different. Essay writers can get really comprehensive feedback when people use different methods, which is amazing!

Please feel free to leave comments - just don't critique my post, please! :). I'd love to hear your opinions on this thread. EF Admins, I hope this type of thread is okay with you Take care!

Hiddengrace

Aug 6, 2016

Poetry / STANDING FOR OUR VALUES; BLACK NOT FAKE [4]

Hi there! It's been a really long time since I've workshopped a poem, so please bear with me.

I really like some of your language. Muzzle, that's a great word! Shadows of a colored globe? Really interesting and gives a good visual. I like that you weren't afraid to play with where your lines end to really hammer some of those thoughts/ words home.

I like your use of capital and lowercase letters that begin each line, but I think you should play with it even more and play around with the punctuation as well.

I think your first stanza is much more powerful than the second, by far. You have a lot of really cool images and it makes a great statement, but the second stanza kind of falls off a bit for me. Also, what do you mean by squiggle? When I think of squiggle, I see a wavy line or a doodle. If you mean like, don't over complicate your simplicity, I think you need to be clearer (even if that's not what you mean). Also, I'd like to know more about the values you talk about. What are they?

Well, that's it! Great work! Take care.

Hiddengrace

Aug 5, 2016

Graduate / PTCAS - Doctorate of Physical Therapy - Application Essay (Where to go from here) [5]

Hi Howard,
You have a great start to your essay so far! Your writing seems focused, clear, and academic, so nice job there!

Are you looking to extend your essay or just write a conclusion? If you are looking to extend it, it might be helpful to think about boundaries, as professionalism and boundaries tend to go hand in hand. Some examples of boundaries and general professionalism could be:

-not fraternizing with clients about non-work related things or maybe letting them feel like you might be able to have a non-PT related relationship (like friends or even more

-ensuring that your touch and all of your actions are professional
- being reliable, on time, etc...
-being ethical (not taking advantage of clients)

There are tons of ways to write about being professional.

That's really all I have for you today. Hope I haven't misinterpreted what you were asking. Take care.

Hiddengrace

Aug 4, 2016

Undergraduate / WARMTH - CORNELL HOTEL SCHOOL APPLICATION 2016 [4]

Hi again, Linc! Glad to see you are giving essay writing another go here at EF! I really really like what you have so far for this essay. This line is brilliant.(although I'd use a semi colon after trigonometry instead of a comma).

I did not just learn trigonometry, I learned how to raise walls of indifference, and how to launch stones full of malice.

However, I'm confused about how this essay answers the prompt you posted with the essay? Is it the right one?

Because it doesn't really answer that prompt but answers the one about failure really really well. You talk about your high school experience, how you were kind of a bully (though you don't say that outright) and not the nicest person. There's your failure. Meeting Leon is kind of the turning point of this failure, and then you turned your failure into a success by joining this field of work that allows you to build people up instead of tearing them down. You are now providing warmth and comfort. You are learning how to be a leader.

Seriously, this essay is almost there in answering the other prompt. I can kind of see how it fits the above prompt and how this situation influenced you to want to join the hospitality field, but I don't really see the part of the prompt that asks about personal qualities.

Let me know which it's supposed to be and I'd be happy to come back and make some more edits and comments. Take care.

Hiddengrace

Aug 4, 2016

Scholarship / WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN STUDYING AT UBC? HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF FITTING INTO THE UBC COMMUNITY? [8]

Hi Dennis,

First off, I'm going to agree with everything Ivy said. :) I think your essay is very generalized and impersonal. You very nicely explain everything that makes the school great, but none of that relates to you. You need to bring all of those things back and connect them to you. Why does their top 40 ranking make you want to study there over, say, another top 40 ranked school? Why does the fact that UBC has educated 3 prime ministers make you interested in the school? Do you see what I'm getting at here? Anyone can search up the school or read their pamphlet and write that stuff down, but they're not asking you why UBC is an awesome school. They're asking why it is you specifically are interested in it.

When it comes to how you see yourself fitting in, it is about you, but it's still not very powerful. Saying you are hardworking and all of those other things isn't going to really show you are hardworking, etc... If you can show this with an anecdote, experience, story, etc..., that will be much more powerful and actually show the admissions committee you are hard working. Does that make sense?

None of your essay seems like it's really specific to you. And you wrote it, so it should scream Dennis, you know? The way it is now, it could really belong to anyone and I wouldn't know it was even about you if your name wasn't on it. I think you need to really get specific. Don't just say you are hard working. Show how you, Dennis, are hard working in a way that is specifically yours. Don't just say you have a vision; share that vision that is yours and your vision alone.

Those are all my ideas and feedback for you. Please feel free to edit your essay and come back and post it in a new message in this same thread. That way we can continue to give you ideas.

Take care.

Hiddengrace

Aug 4, 2016

Undergraduate / The Semester at Sea program has been a dream of mine since I found out about it as a junior [6]

Hi Courtney and welcome to Essay Forum! Okay, first of all, this program looks amazing! Seriously, can I come with you? Seriously though, I can tell this is a very rough draft. I think you have a lot of work to do, but you definitely have the potential for an amazing essay.

I think that your first paragraph is a little bit awkward and also unnecessary for a few reasons. It doesn't start your essay off on a strong note; instead, it paints a picture of you as someone who loves social media and travel photos. That's not really the image you want to portray to the admissions committee, even if that's true. It's just not strong enough to paint you as a successful candidate. It's also completely unnecessary because it doesn't help you in any way. It doesn't answer the prompt at all, so you're just really taking up space. You could be using those 178 words to actually answer what you're asked and talk about your academic goals. You can of course, explain a little bit about how interested you are in the program, but I'd keep that to a minimum of 2 sentences. I mean, you're obviously interested or you wouldn't be applying, right?

I also think your essay is a little bit too informal and not academic enough. Mentioning social media, and discussing how this program will look on your resume just aren't formal enough or even strong enough for your essay. I think you should talk more about why it's important to be well traveled and learn about other cultures. How will this help you succeed as a bio major, med student, and eventually, a doctor?

In my opinion, you should start your essay with the second sentence of your second paragraph, although I think saying some people might think of the program as a throwaway for you isn't a good idea, even if you're just saying what others think and not yourself. You don't want to accidentally have it in the acceptance committee's mind that it could be a throwaway. You definitely need to restructure your essay and think about how to make it more academic and formal. Your language is also quite informal as well and should be tightened up. Here;s an example:

As a biology major on the pre-med track, I definitely am able to see the benefits of attending a semester at sea. While it may not seem like a conventional choice, I believe that gaining a multicultural competency is important for everyone, regardless of their studies or future career.

Do you see how much more powerful, formal, and academic that is as an opener? Compare it to your first two sentences and see what the difference is. Also, if you start with this, you have much more room now to actually make your points instead of being stressed to fit everything in in the 100 words you have left.

Well, that's all I have for you. Feel free to post updated versions of your essay in a new message in this same thread, and we can come back to it for another round of editing.

Take care and good luck.

Hiddengrace

Aug 2, 2016

Undergraduate / Common app supplement Essay: Harvard University Supplement essay [4]

Hi Sambhab! Here's my feedback on your essay:

I think the reason your essays aren't getting lots of critiques is because they are kind of hard to understand. I am a native English speaker, graduate level student and self proclaimed writer and grammar nerd; Still, it took me a few reads of your essay plus the help of the internet to figure out what you are trying to say here in this essay. Your writing has a certain prosaic, almost poetic feel to it. This is beautiful, but not really appropriate for an entrance essay.

Your writing just seems too complicated and in your first paragraph alone there are still parts of it that I don't understand. You use huge words and your sentences tend to ramble and run on. Also, you talk a lot about certain books, quotes, ideas from those books, but you on't really explain them very well. So anyone who hasn't read Nietzsche isn't going to know what you are talking about if you don't explain it properly.

My suggestion would be that if these books are books you want to discuss for this essay, you should ensure that your writing is more formal, academic, and easily understandable in both your writing and explaining the writing of others. You don't really explain how these books helped you develop intellectually.

There you have it; there's my feedback. Take care!

Edit: I had written this much earlier but forgot to post it. I just want to say that I agree wholeheartedly with Ivy's feedback.

Hiddengrace

Aug 1, 2016

Undergraduate / "THE HIGH FIVE" COMMON APP ESSAY 2016 - making success from a failure [3]

Hi Linc! I have to say, what you have so far is a very entertaining essay. Definitely made me smile and I thought you told the story well.

However, I think it's too informally written for a college application essay. Not only is it informally written, but it doesn't feel serious to me. It's something you'd tell a friend and the two of you would laugh about it. I don't think it's really something a college is going to look at and think "ah, yes, this person who high fived their crush is going to be a successful student". It doesn't say anything about you other than the fact that you had an awkward moment with a crush. It doesn't say what you learned and how you applied those lessons from the failure. It doesn't say anything about you as a person or as a student.

You aren't fully answering the prompt here- you talk about your failure but not about how you learned from it. Also, you say it's okay to be a failure. I can't help but wonder if a school is going to read that and say "he's okay with being a failure? is he okay with being a failure in school?"

I am going to suggest seriously rethinking the subject of this essay. I think your subject should be the kind of failure that, when you learn from it, those lessons can be applied to succeeding in school. An embarrassing moment with a crush isn't going to do you any favors, unfortunately.

These links might help you when it comes to choosing a topic and composing the essay:
applying to college/2015/05/08/how-to-write-2015-common-app-essay-2-failure/
essay hell/2013/06/the-beauty-of-failure-how-to-answer-prompt-2-of-the-common-application/

I think you have the makings of a great essay, but just not for the prompt given. Take care!

Hiddengrace

Jul 31, 2016

Writing Feedback / To the Office of Student Financial Aid: writing to appeal the loss of my Gold Scholarship [3]

Hey Devin! Welcome to EF. I think you have a really great letter started here. I really like how determined you are, especially that you are showing determination to improve as soon as you realized you were doing poorly. It didn't take you until after your scholarship was removed that you started to improve. It also shows you understand the requirements, how you went wrong, and what you are doing to fix it. I also like that while you are asking for your scholarship to be reinstated, you are taking responsibility for not meeting the requirements and aren't trying to make excuses.

Really I don't have too much for you. I was going to say I think you need to talk more about how you plan to do better but if you've attached a plan of action that is unnecessary.

I passed a total of 26 credit hours, but earned 21 credits .
stress-inducing ~~dilemma~~I wouldn't say "dilemma" here. Dilemma speaks more to me about a tough choice or something, not the death of someone important to you.

I was very close with my grandfather.and I always looked up to him. the reason I suggest using "and" to join those two thoughts is because you have a lot of short, simple sentences in a row.

person ~~out of~~in or from my family to attend
I would maybe explain more about the Math 0993 thing. It's just a really odd, short paragraph and needs more of something. Maybe some example of how you've employed this new lesson when registering.

I ~~have~~ went over my plan of action or even better to say you "discussed" you plan of action".

That's all from me. Take care and good luck.

Hiddengrace

Jul 29, 2016

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - Contribution to Diversity; I did not let any of obstacles I met to get me down [4]

Hi Anne! You've gotten some good feedback so far with ideas on how to make your essay less wordy. I definitely am verbose myself and fall into the trap of always wanting to write more. I see you have gotten some very formulaic answers on how to format your essay, but if this comes from the heart you should use the structure you have here. You don't necessarily have to answer each part of the prompt separately; some experiences definitely overlap and you could even have one experience that demonstrates all 3 of those things.

I will agree, however, that your focus on each of these three things could be stronger. Even if you have a situation or two which overlap, you need to be more clear about how what you are saying relates to the prompt. It should be a balance where you can easily and concretely figure out how the story relates to the prompt.

I think you have done a lot of telling rather than showing. Saying you had struggles and experienced discrimination a hundred times still isn't as powerful as showing it with an experience or anecdote from your life. You mention multiple times the hardships, challenges, stereotypes, etc... you've overcome but it's not striking me as very powerful. the reader should read this and think "wow, that's awful, but look at her determination and strength to move on and improve things" or something like that anyway- that's kind of what I get from your essay but it needs to be kicked up a notch.

And now I'm going to say something that seems completely counter-intuitive and maybe even crazy, given what I just said in the above paragraph. Ready? Eliminate a good amount of the areas where you talk about experiencing hardship as a minority. You mention it in every paragraph. Why do I say this when I just told you the opposite above? So, if you have one good story about what inspired you to be a leader and contribute to diversity because of your hardships, you don't need to keep mentioning it. It'll be powerful enough on its own. This should hopefully give you some extra wiggle room when it comes to writing and word count. Actually, I think a story or anecdote might be a good introduction for your essay. It may give a nice background to why you have done everything else you mention and why this is important to you, eliminating the need to say it later.

I'd like to comment more but I can't at the moment. Also, there are definitely have errors that need to be edited, but I think it might be best to rework your content before launching into grammar, word choice, punctuation, and the rest.

Take care.

Hiddengrace

Jul 28, 2016

Graduate / 'Princess Anne will be a great fit for me' - SOP for UMES Physical Therapy Program! [5]

Hi Dani and welcome To EF! I think You've got a great start to your essay here. Your writing is great; it comes across as professional yet not overly formal, which makes it easy to understand and connect to your story. However, I think your opening sentence is a bit weak. You need to have something that grabs the reader and pulls them into your life, and that doesn't really do it for me. It's also not very specific to you and it's super generic- switch out your degree/ program and that could apply to a really wide variety of people applying for graduate school.

I also think that you should beef up your first paragraph with more details about Jordan. This girl was a large part of your life and inspiration to study PT, so I think you should talk more about her. Not her, necessarily, but the experience. What kinds of things did you learn? How did that experience shape your goals? What would you take from that experience that would be useful in school, your career, or life? How did you help her to grasp those harder obstacles?

I'm not sure you need to discuss showing horses. I know it's relevant because it's about horses, but it's not relevant to your goals or information necessary for this essay. I'd say maybe cut it down to one or two sentences if you feel it's important to say. Another option might be to add more information to that paragraph, since it's kind of an odd and small paragraph. I would talk more about how you plan to transfer those experiences into your PT career goals.

For the therapeutic riding, I'm going to say the same thing about that experience. More, more, more! What did you learn there that you can bring with you to school/ your career? What aspects of PT did you learn that would make you a successful student? I get a teeny tiny hint of determination from your essay, and I think you should include some stories or situations that show (not tell) this about you. Also, you might consider reorganizing the flow of your paper. You go from experience 1, to your past, to experience 2. I think those experiences should be right next to each other to optimize your flow.

If you're going to include your last paragraph, I think you should include plans for success this time. What have you learned or what will you do differently that means you will succeed this time? From reading your essay, it sounds like you are saying you went to college nearby Princess Anne, so you know you'll do well because they are in similar locations. I'm not sure that's beneficial to say; in fact, it just seems like a weird comparison to make. Maybe explaining that more and saying you know you won't experience the depressive symptoms because you'l be close to home, etc... would be better. Also, I know you were homesick and that's what caused your depressive symptoms, but I'm not sure if mentioning the homesickness would hurt you or not. It might be better to just say you suffered from depression and not include a reason. Also, I would make sure to say that even though you suffered this depression, you were determined to finish your degree, do well, succeed, and all that.

Those are all my comments about the content of your essay. I think you've got a good start and can make your essay even better with some edits.

Take care!

Hiddengrace

Jul 25, 2016

Essays / What is the greatest love story of all? The speech. [5]

Here's my two cents: it depends on the context of the assignment. Are you expected to quote sources? Does your teacher accept out of the box or unique approaches? If you're not sure, better than asking us here would be to ask your teacher what's appropriate. Only you and the teacher know best the context of the assignment.

I can see a mother's love being a love story. The story is the acts of love, the sacrifices they've made, and the experiences you have shared. As Ivy says, a personal story will be much easier for you to write about because you know it intimately. It's something you are obviously passionate about and it's definitely personal, which is what makes a speech interesting. There is a song called "the greatest story ever told," and it's a love song, and it's beautiful.

However, if you do have to choose an actual love story, I encourage you to still try and make a personal connection. Maybe it's a song, or a movie, or a book you read that really inspired you or moved you. Maybe it's a movie you watched with your mom. A movie/ book/etc... that you found really moving is going to make a better speech because of your passion for the story.

Good luck!

Hiddengrace

Jul 25, 2016

Letters / Low GPA - Transfer Admission to Borough of Manhattan Community College [5]

Hi Tina! I'm not here to edit your essay- I would if I had time but right now I'm kind of busy. I really came to tell you that I had to do something very similar for a CUNY school as well. I think they wanted to ensure I was prepared this go-round and when they read my essay, they admitted me right away. As long as you have a good plan to succeed, you should be fine, because I think they are looking for that more than the situation/ reasoning behind why you did not succeed last time (although that is important as well).

Actually, that's what I'd give you the most feedback on, so here goes. So much for the time crunch. :) I think you should detail your plans more. That, as far as I'm aware, is really what they are looking for. The essay is less about what happened and more about what you will do this time to ensure success. How do you plan to succeed? Think about what went wrong last time and focus on how you can learn from it. For example, you were in a situation where the pressure and responsibilities mounted and mounted. Having experienced that, what would you do differently? For example, at what point would you have stopped taking on responsibilities? When would you have cut off taking new work? at what point would you have gotten support from teachers, supervisors, peers, etc...?

What kind of support system do you have this time if something similar should happen or if the stress gets to be too much? How exactly will you prioritize school? Have you taken on less outside responsibilities or simply not working altogether? Do you have someone at work that can work with you when it comes to this? What kind of study plans do you have that might be different from the last time? What will meeting with the adviser more frequently change? These are some things to think about when writing your essay!

Take care and good luck!

Hiddengrace

Jul 25, 2016

Writing Feedback / COLLEGEAPP: Assume that 're in a position of leadership in your country and write an academic Essay [3]

Hi Mark, welcome to Essay Forum. I'm going to give you some feedback on both your choice of content and your grammar, punctuation, wording, etc....

I think you have a good start to your essay here. I can tell that you are very passionate about this issue and that comes across well in your writing. You don't have a lot of words to write with, so I think this is great.

However, I don't think you have fully fulfilled what is being asked of you in the prompt. Let's break down the prompt and I'll give some feedback on what you have done and what's missing and what could be improved. Here goes. :)

1. Write a formal, academic essay
2. Imagine that you are in a position of leadership in your country or your local community (note that while many leaders who effect change are politicians, they can also be scholars, activists, scientists, artists, etc.) Choose an issue about which you, as this leader, feel passionately and describe it in detail,

3. giving your informed reader a sense of the arguments and counterarguments associated with the issue.
4. Tell us where you stand and why, using description and analysis of real-world evidence
5. as well as your unique perspective as an influential member of your community.
6. Hypothetically, how would you address this issue and
7. what would your community or country look like as a result of your actions?
8. Please be as specific as possible and limit your response to 500-750 word

Wow, then! They are really asking for a lot here in a limited amount of words to write with. I think when this is the case you have to try to answer all the parts while being succinct but also detailed, which is crazy. This is a lot to ask for and you definitely are in the situation of having to pick and choose what you answer, how much detail you give to each part, and balancing the essay as a whole. I think this kind of prompt would definitely stump me. Not in what to answer, but really how to structure the essay so you meet all the requirements in the words allotted.

So, let's break down your essay based on the 8 points above.

1. I think your essay is formal and academic for the most part so far. I think improvements can be made, and with good editing feedback, that will help immensely. I'm kind of short on time now but I'll come back and I'm sure some other EF members/ contributor will come make those edits.

2. I think you have done a great job choosing a topic that is something you have experienced, that's a real issue, and something you are passionate about. However, is it specific enough? I feel like you've chosen a very broad issue and that is making it harder for you to fullfill this prompt in entirety.

3. The reason I say it may be too vague/ general is because I only see arguments for why this is an issue. I don't see any counter arguments. For example, if your topic was the "edu-poor," a counter argument could be that parents risk bankruptcy and poor finances because they feel the education is important and worthwhile, even if it means sacrificing their financial well being. You need to be able to discuss the positives and negatives of an issue, or why people say it's a good thing and support it, and why people say it's a bad thing and don't support it. With a more general issue like the one you have chosen, that can be harder to do because there is so much to discuss. This one should be more like a general idea of what the people think, not personal opinions. Think about what a newspaper would say. They report support for the issue and why people disagree with it, but they don't really (or usually) say which one they believe to be right. Which side is right is for you to answer in part 4, just below.

4. I think you have kind of blended 3 and 4 together when answering this, and they are not the same. The prompt is asking for you to discuss positives and negatives and then say where you stand (on the positive or negative side). They are asking for why people support it, why people don't, and then your personal opinion. With your essay, you have only given one side which is the side you agree with. However, you have given us some great evidence from your own life, which works really well here.

(answering these for alone is enough to fill up a 5 page essay- how they want you to write 500-700 words is beyond me)

5. Hmm, I'm not sure if you have done this or not. It's kind of hard for me to pick out because you launch right into part 6 of the prompt. They are asking what makes your view different as a leader in society. What do you see that the average person may not? How does your position change of leadership change how you view the situation?

6. Great job here!

7. I think you balanced out this point nicely with 6 by explaining what you would do and the effect it would have. In my opinion you are wasting what limited space you do have with something that's not adding to your essay. Just something to think about. Also, if you restructure your essay with a less broad topic, this will change (and I think it should). I think you can spend more time elaborating on your ideas and their effects because right now I think those are a little bit lacking. I think your ideas are there, but they need to be fleshed out and explained a little more so the reader can get a good sense of what your ideas are. Your first paragraph could definitely use some more detail about eradicating the caste system, which is a huge undertaking.

8. I think you have wasted space by discussing what you did in middle school with the peer mentoring program. I know it's tough because you want to include n achievement of your own and tie this essay to that, but they're not asking for that.

Okay then, there are my ideas on your essay's content in relation to answering everything asked of you in this essay! I will try to return at a later time to give you some specific edits regarding punctuation, word choice, grammar, edits and ideas I have, etc...

Take care!

Hiddengrace

Jul 20, 2016

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

Alvinus, please give us some feedback on how we can be less "spicy" as you say. We'd love to hear why you feel this way and what could help make things better. I'm sure those at info@EssayForum.com would be glad to have your feedback.

I know sometimes I tend to rush right into critiques and editing instead of saying hi. I know getting feedback can be intimidating, but hopefully we are acting as a community of people here to help each other. Also, always remember, anything posted about your essay is one person's opinion and may not be right for you, your essay, or even correct!

Good luck and take care.

Hiddengrace

Jul 20, 2016

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

To be honest, I'm feeling neutral on how beneficial this site has been for my writing. Actually some of the responses I've gotten on my essays have been plain wrong (grammar, punctuation, etc...) which goes to show that just because someone gives you feedback that doesn't always mean it's correct. Also, it's your essay and only you can determine whether the edits are worth using or not as you are the one who will either suffer or strengthen your essay. However, I think for many people this site can be extremely beneficial, especially for non-fluent English speakers. I also really enjoy the editing process and helping others, which is why I'm here!

Also, I applied to two graduate schools and got into both. Congrats to those who have been accepted, and good luck to those still waiting!

Hiddengrace

Jul 19, 2016

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay : Accepting government funding for Grandview Symphony [4]

I think you have a great argument and a good start of your essay here! As Payal mentioned, your second paragraph needs to be reworked. The first sentence is really way too long and needs to be simplified and broken down into smaller sentence chunks to make it easier to read. I don't think you need to add firstly, secondly, and thirdly. You can make your points and it will still be succinct and flow well without those.

The author' s underlying assumption apostrophe needed to indicate the assumption belongs to a single author)

10ten year tenure of a venture cannot be ~~corwned~~crowned on the basis of performance one single year. Using numbers is unprofessional, and you have a typo there.

You can not use the past result to deduce future success. I think you should be more specific about what you mean here, as many businesses projected growth and earnings are in fact determined by previous years (at least partially- I assume there are other factors as well).

Finally, to increase the ticket price to parry from government funding might be a bad decision for the Symphony,;as the author does not mention anything about the plan of this year and who is planning to perform, and an unnecesary hike in the ticket might cause a lot of people to spurn ~~from~~ the Symphony.

gathering the same amount of attendees is ~~bleak~~ . I'd try another word instead of bleak. Bleak usual means barren, desolate, or depressing It doesn't really seem to work here, maybe "unknowable?" Bleak just isn't working for me. I know prospects can be bleak, but it just seems out of place.

a bigger space for the audience or better musicians,; the further revenue could even be used for the symphony's~~next year~~ budget next year .

any conclusion as to whether ~~to take funding from the government or not.~~to raise ticket prices or not . The memo is about raising prices, not whether or not to take government funding.

Several different angles and factors have to be taken into consideration, such as a blueprint of this year's Grandview symphony, to the potential percentage hike in price, toand the artists performing has to be considered.

Okay, those are all my notes and feedback. Hope it's helpful. Take care.

Hiddengrace

Jul 19, 2016

Essays / Need help finding unique topic for college transfer essay! (Prompts included) [5]

Also, I just want to say, when I had to do this for my graduate applications, I watched a lot of ted talks and videos that related to my field in order to find something and get inspiration to talk about it. I also did a lot of research as well. That might be something helpful for you as well. It should be easy enough for you to talk about but not too simple or generic either.

Good luck!

Hiddengrace

Jul 19, 2016

Essays / Need help finding unique topic for college transfer essay! (Prompts included) [5]

Hi Morgan, welcome to EF! Writing a statement of purpose can be difficult at first; it definitely takes some soul searching and deep thought. The prompt is purposefully vague, but a general statement of purpose should showcase your skills, achievements, strengths, and talents in the field you are applying to study. You want to introduce yourself and talk a little bit about what motivates you to succeed in your planned field of study. You want to highlight your educational and field related experiences and achievements. Instead of listing your achievements, try dioscussing them in a way that can help them see your potential. Not only did you achieve something, but what you learned from it is important as well. How can what you gained from past experiences make you successful in school and in your field?

Also, it's probably be a good idea to talk about why you are transferring and why this school is better for you than your last school. What does it offer? Why are you transferring? If you're switching majors, why that major and this school, etc...

For B, I'd suggest choosing something related to your field. This makes it easier for you to talk about it if it's something you are interested in or passionate about. It doesn't have to be something you specifically have experienced but something that you know is important to the future of your field.

Good luck!

Hiddengrace

Jul 16, 2016

Graduate / Hi all! Here's my draft statement of intent for MFA Fashion Design. Need help with editing :) [10]

If you put your updated essay in the bottom of this post, I'd be happy to take another look at it!

Hiddengrace

Jul 15, 2016

Graduate / Hi all! Here's my draft statement of intent for MFA Fashion Design. Need help with editing :) [10]

Here's the second part!

I consider ~~being creative as one of~~my creativity my biggest strengths , thus I want to make a career of it.

I wish to create a line of clothing that offers comfort & style customized, fusion wear of different styles from different lands, yet that has a personal touch of me. this whole sentence is awkwardly written. Try something like "It's my dream to create fusion wear clothing with style from all different lands that is both comfortable and stylish." I don't think you need to say that it has your own personal touch- of course it will have that! It's your line!

I need to improvise, at the same time learn a lot more. Not sure what you mean by improvise. Do you mean improve? Improvise means to make things up. If you do mean improvise, you should clarify why you need to do so.

~~Ever since~~When I discovered my marriage ~~was~~would be fixed and ~~I knew~~ I would be moving

I decided it was ~~about~~the right time to follow my passion, my dream. not about the right time. Exactly the right time! Also, I don't think you need to say passion and dream. One or the other will work fine. :)

After ~~doing a lot of~~ researchingon fashion schools that meet my set criteria,

I learntlearned about your institute,: one ~~among~~of the top fashion

Accompanied ~~with~~by world-class faculty and state-of-art ~~technologies~~technology,

I ~~am going to~~will gain immense knowledge

to prepare and present myself globally. another kind of awkwardly written phrase. Try to be more specific.

chance to interact with ~~one of~~an MFA Textile Design students and learnt more about the university. I know you were inspired by the tour, but what was it about interacting with students and seeing their work that was special or important to you. It's good to say you did this, but it's even better to explain why it was so meaningful.

Recently I ~~took a tour of~~toured the campus, what you had was actually fine, and so was Mochtar's suggestion as well. I'm just giving you more options and opportunities to be more succinct.

I wish to combine my knowledge in advanced material sciences ~~and~~with the professional designing skills I acquire

from obtaining an MFA in Fashion Design ~~course~~.

With this degree, I hope to~~and~~ explore the growing world of possibilities of technologically advanced, ecologically friendly smart fabrics that is the future of sustainable fashion.

planted athe strong dream ~~in me,~~ to become a Scientific Fashion Designer.

International Fashion Scenario.What is this? Why is this capitalized? If you just mean the field, say the field. Scennario is really awkward as a word choice.

~~An area~~ I wish to learn more about isthe application of 3Dthree dimensional printing
I wish to take advantage of ~~the available~~this resource.

~~And~~ a renowned institution such as yours, will surely help me hone my skills, guide me in the right direction and help realize my dream.

Okay, well that's it. I know I have given you a lot to think about. Some of my edits are just my particular preference as an author, and I've done a lot of re-wording your ideas so your writing is more succint and professional. I hope it's been helpful! :) Good luck and take care.

Hiddengrace

Jul 15, 2016

Graduate / Hi all! Here's my draft statement of intent for MFA Fashion Design. Need help with editing :) [10]

Here's some more feedback on editing. Mochtar has given you some great feedback and here is mine as well. I think you did a great job expanding the content. Next time you can put your edits in a new post below your original essay so we can keep track of the differences. :) I've also removed some unnecessary words to help you with making sure you don't exceed the required word limit- gives you more wiggle room for your writing.

The worlds of science &and fashion mesmerizes me.

I took science classes,~~and~~ became an Ee ngineer and now is the time to explore fashion. I'm not sure about your usage of the word explore. Explore makes it sound casual, like a hobby. This is your passion. You don't just want to explore it, you want to live, breathe, and thrive in it.

~~Ever~~ since my childhood , I have enjoyed designing dresses for myself and my family ~~members~~ .

The ~~whole~~ process fascinates me

My mother has been a great source of inspiration ~~and it is she who~~; she introduced me to designing a fabric into beautiful, unique, creation ~~of ours.~~

known as "Salwar kameez" at the age of 14fourteen. Remember, numbers are unprofessional.
onto a ~~plane~~plain white crepe fabric ~~and had used in my first project.~~this is awkward. You could remove it altogether or say something like "to create my first garment"

~~Beginning then until now,~~unnecessary

~~Me and my sister~~my sister and I love shopping

and growing up in a country like India, where we had wide exposure to varied fashion ~~ranging from~~such as elegant Indian ethnic wear to, cheap fashionable apparel toand expensive ~~classy~~elegant wear

. There were numerous times when I came across an apparel or an accessory , and thought ~~to myself "I can make this"~~I could make it

~~. And the next moment I know,~~Soon enough, I would be ~~figuring out~~choosing materials I needed and figuring out how I ~~can~~could recreate it to make it more beautiful

I was appreciated by my friends and family. appreciated here is a weird choice. Yes, the appreciated it, but they were probably more in awe or excited or amazed or something. Think about your word choice here.

Indeed, each time I showed off my creation

~~my friends also said that I must consider~~ making a career in the field try something more powerful than "my friends said I must consider" Consider and said are not very powerful words. What about "my friends insisted I make a career out of my passion"? Then the loving it and enjoying it is implied and therefore unnecessary.

~~since I love and enjoy doing it the most. So yes, lot of motivation and inspiration did come from my friends.~~all of this is not needed and just taking up space.

I'll come back to finish this in a bit! These edits are taking a while! :)