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Posts by arisandy14
Name: shandy
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Oct 7, 2016
Threads: 7
Posts: 11  
Likes: 1
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio

Displayed posts: 18
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Oct 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writting TASK II The criminality is one of the crucial problems faced by people recently [3]

The criminality is one of the crucial problems faced by people recently. Not only is it difficult to define, but it is also hard to determine how to deal with the sanction properly. Some people consider that the best way which should be taken is the legally fixed punishment for each of crimes in order to create the strict law. Others state that before deciding what compatible conviction is, the reasonable background such as motivation and environment of individuals should be considered. This essay is going to discuss both of views.

On the one hand, determining the fixed punishments for every level of the criminal action is one way to make fair regulation. It is conducted in order that the doer of criminality gets the compatible reward which is suitable with their action. For example, when people intentionally murder someone, they are ensured to kill too. As the consequence, the death sentence is regarded as the most proper punishment. In another case, people committing the small crime such as thieving goods or stealing foods will not get the heavy sanction as well.

On the other hand, to avoid the unfair punishment, people should give the particular attention the reason background why someone commits the crime. In addition, before deciding the type of sanctions which are given, people have to view the motivation or intention, so people cannot dispose the punishment directly. For instance, a woman, becoming the victim of raping, must kill someone because she tries to defend herself. Based on her motivation, absolutely it cannot be accused that she commits the serious crime, so it is unfair if she will get the death sentence as her punishment.

To sum up, even though it is important to know the background why people commit the crimes, it does not help to uphold the assertive rule for solving the criminality. Personally, in my perspective, making the fixed punishment as the legal regulation is the wise ways to decide the punishment for people conducting the crimes. Therefore, the basic excuse is whatever the bad actions impair the other people is can be called as the criminal activity as well.
Oct 7, 2016
Scholarship / Leadership is having a clear cut vision and the ability to stir people into achieving the set goals [5]

i would like give some comments about your serious work.

totally, I appreciate of your used complex sentence.
however, it is as my comments.

the sentence: "a position I was unanimously chosen to hold for two consecutive years", ( you used omitting for this case, but perhaps you forget to put "verb for subject position", so it is less verb).

next, the sentence "to hit a target of at least 80% pass on our board exams at the first sitting and carry the remaining 20% in the re-sit examination (this case the problems is subject verb agreement= to hit.......passes......and carries....)

This approach saw our group make an over 85% pass rate as against (for this: I think you put two verbs (saw and make), but less conjuction).

Oct 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Earliest grade students are required to learn foreign language [3]

I would like to give some comment about your work.

overall, it is good enough for task response, but perhaps you need to add the various vocabularies in order to avoid repetition.

some grammar in use is perhaps needed to correct.

Such as sentence "Kids who enrolled in international kindergarten...." (if u used it as verb, it is not consistent tenses because u used present before, so we can correct it to be= Kids who enrolls in international kindergarten or Kids who are enrolled in international kindergarten )

"some information that support their lesson"= the correct one is "some information that supports their lesson"
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED: A school for the suicide bombers. [2]

The video tells the ways used by Taliban Armies in Pakistan to apply the brain washing for the children. The purpose of this is to provide the suicide bombers wanting to make the chaos in worldwide. Sharmeen Obaid-who is a researcher examining her work in Pakistan-explains how Taliban Armies influence the youth by conducting the brain washing method. According to her, they adopt the group of children from rural areas and force their children to hand over crudely. Then, they gather the children to be one place as school or what Sharmeen Obaid calls "A school for the suicide bombers". This school intentionally provides to prepare "the queens of jihad" that will bomb the places they consider as the enemy.

The kinds of activities to do in the school are that Taliban Armies cultivate the radical doctrine. They forbid the children to do anything such as playing game, listening music, watching movie, even reading newspaper. They allow the children to recite Al-qur'an only. When someone breaks the rules, they will be killed by Taliban Army directly. The common reason of this is because the children try to resist the imperative of God. In doctrine deployed by Taliban Armies, they promise to the children when they die after killing the enemies of Islam, the God is going to prepare for them the paradise.

These are the brief of the Sharmeen Obaid's interesting speech. In my perspective, whatever the paths take on it will be disaster if the destination is to kill someone. Terrorist movements like ISIS in Irak, Boko Haram in Africa or Abu Sayyaf in Asia are evidences that a religion is often abused to attack the others having the different background. Absolutely, we cannot blame that the religion is merely the lead of terrorist movements. Therefore, there are several aspects which have to consider as the other causes such as economy, politic, and culture. Moreover, the terrorists commonly justify their actions based on the doctrine of Al-qur'an. They legitimate that their mission is holy duty for sake of constructing the God empire in the world.

In conclusion, all people living on the earth have the right to gain the enjoyable life. Whatever the reason reaches the destination is not approved to abuse the religion as the tool for rectifying the attitude. The terrorists sacrificing the children to explode bombs in the public sphere are obviously wrong decision.
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The World's Best Towns for Outdoor Thrills [4]

I've comments for yours.

There are several parts requiring re-correction. some are incomplete sentences because every sentence must have subject+verb. in this case it happens in yours such as "Here one of the top 9 Towns with Best outdoor activities". or "This a favourite route for advanced experience of cycling in Porcupine Rim" (nothing verb).

in addition, the array of sentences are also incomplete tenses like "Outdoor events can be handle"--i see you mean that it is passive, so we can correct to be "Outdoor events can be handled". The last, the word "whole" should be followed by plural noun, so it will be better we change to be "goods in this whole areas."

Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / I wonder how the busy people always working are able to read a book every day [4]

Ted How I read a book every day

When the first time I read the title of this speech, I am curious to listen directly. In my mind, I imagine how the busy people always working are able to read a book every day. Some people probably consider that reading book is the difficult activity because the common reason is that it needs plenty of time. According to the speaker-his names is TaiLopez from New York USA, "most people living on the earth spent their time without a book". He also told his experience when he was child that his grandfather always invited him to go to the library. For him, the book was a friend and could be encountered every time".

Commonly, people point out the question does the reading a book bring advantages? It is certainly sure when reading a book someone will not gain the benefit directly. Furthermore, reading is a need that it is same as when people need something to eat. On the other word, we can properly say that reading like eating that requires a mutual habit. Without reading habit, it will be impossible to convenience that it is important.

Based on Tailopez's argument, he said that no much time was one of the reasons for someone why they did not provide their golden time to read. I totally agree that reading habit is not always determined by whether people have time or not, but it is about an intention. In the same time, it is also related whether people can endeavor to buy the books or not, but it depends on that their consideration about books is necessary or not.

The most interesting statement of Tailopez's was that people were not easy to find the mentors guiding them every day. He gave the brilliant example that the great people such Mohandas K Ghandi from India, George Washington from USA, or Nelson Mandela from Africa were good persons difficult to get right now. Therefore, to replace them, Tailopez suggested people change them by reading a book every day because according to him, a book was the the most loyal friend to bring and encounter every time and everywhere.

Related to TaiLopez's assumption, In my perspective, a book is the absolute heritage. I remember when I read the novel written by Jostein Garder under the title "The Magic Library". One of the actors is named Nils. He said that " a book is a means to connect the generation living today with the generation who will live for thousand years later". It is the nice cite we can learn how important the book is. As conclusion, I dare state that a book is valuable heritage which must be maintained its existence.
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary --- Bill Gates: Teachers need real help, need a coach. [5]

probably it can become the corrections.

the sentence "They even requires" is better to be changed "They even require".

the word "why a system like this is important?", we can make it "why is a system like this important?", because it is question word.

the sentence "the video and the survey of these students is" can be changed to be the video and the survey of these students are" because the subject is plural

and I, together with all the different sides of my classroom, where is verb? you can add verb after I.

Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The advancement of machines cannot solve novel situations which can merely be conducted by people [3]

Perhaps this can be some corrections.

the word--"becoming extremely change"--it will be better if changed to be "becoming change extremely", it because extremely cannot be modifier of change.

the word "initially utilized", you probably mean that it is passive, so it becomes "was initially utilized".

the word "it immensely improve" = it immensely improves

the word "a novel situations", becomes (novel situations/ the novel situations) because article a/an for singular noun.

thanks may those be useful.
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Global use of water by three sectors such as agriculture, industry, and domestic [3]

The statistics of water use and water consumption are presented by the graph and table in two different countries. Overall, global water use by three sectors such as agriculture, industrial use, and domestic use experienced the rise gradually. Afterwards, Brazil had the number of population as many three times as Congo. That condition affected the using of other sector where irrigated land and water consumption in Brazil were higher than Congo.

In the first year, 1990, agriculture stood at approximately 500 km and t climbed gradually to reach the peak at just about 3000 km in 2000. Following this, industrial use existed in the lowest level in the beginning year and went up steadily at 1000 in 2000. An increase of Global water use was depicted by domestic use even though it did not as significant as agriculture and industrial sector. From the first year to 2000, domestic use increased minimally approximately 300 km.

Furthermore, Brazil having the population almost more three times than Congo influenced the use of other sectors. For instance, Irrigated land in Brazil increased 26 times more than did Congo. Next, the similar proportion was also illustrated by water consumption where Brazil consumed water consumption at just about 45 times. Interestingly, it was further figure than Congo where it used water consumption 8 M only in 2000.

Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Technologies are suppressing various professions and make them not so important for society [2]

hay, Sherzo, i would like give some comments that is probably helpful.

in my opinion, there are several parts which is needed to be better. Point, "can affect another subjects" we can change (other subjects) because another for noun singular only. in the similar case, your sentence "if the amount of doctors sores to critical point" (amount is used for noun uncuntable so we cant use it in countable), it's better if a number of doctors sore.

those all, thanks.
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Water usage by the society in Brazil and Democratic Republic of Congo in 3 different sectors [3]

hay, rose, i would try to give some comments which are probably useful.

in my opinion, your sentence--
(While the table shows the sum of water which consumed by ...)--is incomplete sentence. it is better if written "the table shows the sum of water consumed by the society in Brazil and Democratic Republic of Congo in 2000." overall, i think good enough, only need to develop the various vocabulary in use. thanks
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writting Task 1 the comparison of different kinds of energy production of France in ten years [2]

The data of comparison of energy production in France were depicted in pie chart during ten years.

Overall, most the components of energy production such as gas, coal, and nuclear experienced the various rises moderately. On the other hand, only did petro undergo the substantial drop whereas the production of it was big enough.

The biggest production of energy was presented by gas approximately less than a third in 1995 and it rose slightly more than 30 percent in 2005. In the same time, the growth was also described by coal from almost 30 percent at the first time to be more than less than a third. Following this, nuclear standing at one in twenty in 1995 surged to be more than one in ten in 2005. In addition, other showed an increase markedly about 5 percent during a decade.

When the major energy production illustrated an upward trend, the different position was shown by petro. Instead, It plunged considerably approximately 10 percent during a decade, whereas in 1995 it was almost same figure as gas having the enormous rise.

Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1; Comparison of five are mining sector categories in France during year 1995 and 2005 [2]

Hay, Mr Pat.

I just try to give my thought but I'am so sorry if this is not really accurate.

it is still talking about grammar in use "as Nuclear and other product has increased", (has-have. because subject is plural), the comparison product mining and gas industry shows (shows-show), Liquid energy only increase (increase-increases), nuclear energy gradually increase (increase-increases, becuase of singular subject).

those all, it will be better if followed by the correct subject verb agreement (SVA).
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is no reason to show some special attitude toward people based on their age [3]

hello, I would like donate my thought about your work.

the first, I concern that your grammar applied in this essay is inconsistent. Because you mix the tenses between past time and present time. it will probably be better if you use grammar consistently. For example, "This is just the number of the years that a person lived" or "We are not have enough time", it is perhaps wrong tenses. Furthermore, you can change "we do not have".

the other problem, in my opinion, is "But older people are the base and ...". it is better that we dont use "But" in the beginning of sentence, so we can change to be "however or morever".

Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / How many people became a fitness center members some years ago? [2]

Writting Task 1 male and female fitness membership between 1970 and 2000.

The bar chart indicates how many people between men and women becoming the fitness membership from 1970 to 2000.

In the first year, men of fitness membership stood at approximately 2100 and rose markedly twice as much as the number of member around 4000 in 1975.This figure experienced the substantial plunge over 10 years almost 1900. However, this occurred the slight rise approximately 1900 in 1985. Then, 1995 increased enormously and even peaked at three times as much as the number of members 5000. In the following year, this figure dropped sharply and even lower presentation than the first years from 2000 to 1000.

The figure of women fitness membership was initially 1000 in 1970 and rose moderately 2000 in the following year. This upward trend decreased minimally almost 1800 in 1980. Then, there were some fluctuations until the end of year. Before dropping approximately 800 in 2000, it ever happened the same points between 1985 and 1995 almost 2700.

Al in all, men of fitness membership experienced the highest members 5000 in 1995 although in the end of year they fell dramatically 1000. Despite the gradual fluctuations, women of fitness membership peaked at 2700 taking place in 1985 and 1995.

Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Taklimakan Desert - dominated by sand dunes and extreme conditions and free from vegetation [2]

hay, Dioba. after reading your work, i have some advice that is perhaps useful for you. In the first sentence, in my opnion, your subject is unclear (or nothing subject), but you put two verbs (makes and become). it is totally wrong becuase 1 subject must have 1 verb. it also happens in the following sentences in which you write.then, the word "Different from" cannot be become the subject because it is adjective, so you have to replace to be 'it is different". the other problem too appears in word "The purpose is make". it is clearly unclear tenses. however, yuo have to change become "The purpose makes" or "The purpose is making". well, that all.. thanks.
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some birds migrate from the breeding ground to the other area for the rest of the remained season. [7]

Helllo Dils,

I have already read your work. Let me give yours some suggestions about it. From the first sentence, there is the serious problem because your sentence is incomplete. it means there is one subject (a kind of situation), but it has two verb (is and bring). it also happened in the following sentence. for the others sentences, in my point of view, they are good enough. probably, you should increase your language in use how to utilize the collocations correctly.
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 The diagram illustrates the change of food consumption in China in quarter century [4]

The diagram illustrates the change of food consumption in China in quarter century.

In the first year, fish was the most popular with consumption of 600 grams per-person per-week. Then, the statistic went up 100 before slumping in the same position from the first year in 1995. The following years, there was an upward trend tremendously until 2010.

The figure for salt experienced the plunge considerably. In 1988, It was approximately begun about 420 grams per-person per-week and consistently decreased until 200 grams in 2010. In contrast, it was totally different from meat consumption undergoing the growth gradually. This surge was started 100 grams per-person per week and markedly rose until it had the same point with which was reached by the salt consumption in 2010.

In conclusion, even though fish consumption encountered the significant rise, it ever underwent the fluctuation happening in 1995. In contrast, salt consumption instead experienced the fall from beginning to the end year.