Writing Feedback / Summary TED: Let's design social media that drives real change [3]

Hi @ MFES2016

Your essay is good. I can see the idea immediately. The information is well presented and I commend you on that. However, there are some issues that I have noticed.

he saw a terrifying photothat itof a young Egyptian guy'sdead bodyof a young Egyptian guy > This is just a matter of word ordering. Once you familiarize yourself in proper word ordering, making long sentences will be easy for you.

He shareditin facebook

Also, I noticed that there are some word contractions you did like "don't". In formal English writing, it is prohibited to contract words as it makes the composition less formal. So, you have to express it word by word like instead of "don't", make it "do not". Lastly, you should capitalize "Facebook" since it is also a proper noun.

Other than that, your essay is good. I highly appreciate your composition and I hope I can read more of your works. Good luck and keep writing.

Scholarship / This is what I questioned myself: why study in Korea? Personal statement for KGSP scholarship [3]

It is a good essay mikka. I think it has a power and emotion and I felt it when I read your composition. However, people have different tastes and I can not say if it will go through since I am not the judge. I also had mine (my personal statement) and I am not sure if I will get either through the selection process even if I am fluent in the language. But, I do believe that if they feel your passion and dedication when you wrote the essay, they will get you because you will be staying there (in Korea) for 5 years and they want passion from you that you can endure that 5 years away from your family and get a higher education or sort of.

What I can suggest is that write from your heart. Read again your composition and if you feel you have written enough then that's gonna be it. If you want to add more, do so for as long as it will not look exaggerated. So again, write from your heart, if this is your passion or if this is what you really want in life, fight for this scholarship. 파이팅!

Good luck mikka ! :)

Writing Feedback / In this topic, the speaker talks about the idea of mastery and mind [2]

Hi @Aris05

The essay has a lot of power and I can feel it. There are some points that I got captivated but because of these issues I have noticed, I felt off at that time. So, please consider some of the corrections I have made to make your essay more persuasive and captivating. Overall, it is indeed good.

would talk about > had talked about
This should be in a past perfect tense meaning the action was completed at some point in the past.

mathematic > Mathematics
This is a proper noun so make sure it is capitalized.

knowladge > knowledge
Just be careful on your spelling.

It prefer to fix the time > It prefers to fix the time
Remember, Subject Verb Agreement :)

Good luck @Aris05 and I hope I can read more of your works.

Writing Feedback / Someland's main exports in 2005, 2015 and predictions for 2025 [2]

Hi @Yonathan

Your essay is good. The information are well presented. Just consider some issues I have noticed in your work.

to noticed > to notice (infinitive form, to+base form of the verb)

and will be predicted decreased 0,5 billion > and is predicted to decrease by 0.5 billion

And the other hand > On the other hand,

Also, whenever you write a number figure in decimal form, it should be written as "number + decimal point (.) + number" which means, 0.5, 1.4, or 2.11 and not with a comma.

But, other than that, it is good composition. There is a sequence or order when you presented data. You separate sentences well whenever you are done expressing your statements. Keep doing that. Good luck !

Writing Feedback / The proportion of e-commerce in four retail trade in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013 [2]

Hi @llmi_03

Your essay is good. However, I noticed some errors as I read your composition.

Similarly with the number of sales in clothes sector,which began with 24 percentand then itplummeted to 16 percent.full stop, during 2003 and 2013, aItfall offell 8 percent over a 10-year period. > Always provide a stop (by putting (.) period) whenever you write a composition. It will be hard for your readers to give them a lot of idea on what you are trying to say. It is also the same whenever you talk to someone who speaks to fast. You forget what is the real topic if she speaks so fast. In writing, whenever you give to much idea in just a single sentence, the topic is highly forgotten. Hence, you have to provide a stop. Then, start a new topic on the next sentence.

The last paragraph seemed obscure to me. It is unclear because of this phrase "21 percent in the former period to a third in the following ten years" where in fact film sector boost to the top for the past ten years surpassing the travel sector.

I would suggest that you change the idea by giving priority to the significant increase of sales in film sector against other sectors in 10 years. You can make it as the body or 2nd paragraph of your composition to make it the main idea of your composition and then other details will be on the latter part of the paragraph. This will give your essay an ordering or sequencing of ideas unlike of just comparing each other.

I hope you pass the writing part. Good luck and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Two major factors that influence happiness among young people: achievement at work and doing hobbies [3]

Hi @ekalamarsyari11

Overall, your composition is good. I like how you presented your data. It is well organized. However, there is one thing I have noticed.

"The most enjoyable factors that makes people happy areis the achievement at work." I think you got confused on the subject for this sentence. It was understandable however, grammatically incorrect.

Why is this so? If you will have "most enjoyable factors ... are the .... " you have to make sure that you have given at least 2 or more factors in that particular sentence. However, in that sentence, you just gave "achievement at work" and so, you have to make your sentence singular or add other factors like "doing hobby" and such. But, since you have just mentioned "the most", it is known that of all these factors, there is one thing that stands out. So, it is more preferably to have single idea/factor to mention. So, instead of having other factors, just make your sentence singular.

Well, other than that, your essay is good. I have seen no issues. Great job and I hope I can see more of your works.

Enjoy and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Brave to disagree - Margaret Heffernan [2]

Hi @fatirtalent

I have here some corrections that I noticed in your composition. It also has explanation why it was wrong for your future references.
Hope you could learn from these tips I have given.

There was a fantastic doctor inoOxford named Alice Stewart. > One rule in capitalization is the name of institution.

as a womantobecome a doctor. > The pattern of this phrase is like "noun + verb + noun" which is "woman become doctor". In this kind of pattern, usually that "verb" should be in infinitive form which makes it "noun + infinitive verb + noun" making the sentence "woman to become a doctor"

she wasinsistedon overcoming > "insisted" means "demanding forcefully" like it asks something in favor of her. So in this particular sentence, "insisted" is not appropriate. "Persist" however means "continuing on doing something despite of difficulties". Though, you can not also use "persist" because it will make the sentence off. You can use "determined" because it is more polite and positive than "persist". Thus, that phrase will be:

"she was determined on overcoming ... "

She foundoutthat most ... > "Found" is the past form of "find" which means to discover or to look while "found out" or "find out" means to discover something based on researching, investigation or study. Since it talks about a study conducted by Ms. Stewart, it is more appropriate to use "find out" or "found out" because it is based on the study findings she had conducted.

She intended to publish heroutcomesfindingsin The Lancet in 1956,wherepeople got very excited, thereand itwas the talkofforthe Nobel Prize. > Let's break the corrections I have made. First, the word "outcomes". "Outcomes" also means "result" the same as "findings". What makes it different and inappropriate is that "outcome" is the result of your experiment whereas "findings" is about your study. Therefore, it is more appropriate to use "findings". Second, the comma after the phrase "The Lancet in 1956". Instead of having a lot of commas in just one sentence, you can use transition words to provide more creativity in your sentence. Third, the word "there". This is just the same with the second reason where you have used comma it is just that you added the word "there". You can also use transition words or conjunctions to connect your ideas instead of having multiple commas in your sentence. Lastly, the word "of". The word "of" in this sentence denotes that Ms. Stewart's findings was given a Nobel Prize which in reality was not. So, to make the idea clear that at that time, it was a nominee for the Nobel Prize where everyone is talking about, use the word "for" which changes the idea that Ms. Stewart's work has been everyone's talk that at some point, it might have won the Nobel Prize which did not happen. Just be careful on your word choice because most of the times, it can change the whole idea of the sentence.

Alice had a remarkable concept of thinking., (full stop) She used toworkingwith Georgewhowas a recluse, while Alice wastheanoutgoing person. > So, in this sentence, you had some errors which we will break to understand more of that error. First, the full stop. If you think you will bring another idea, you have to end your sentence with a (.) period. Here, the part "Alice had a remarkable ... " is already a whole idea. If you will add another idea to that sentence, it will just confuse your readers what you have said earlier. The main idea will be forgotten if you will put a lot of unrelated ideas. So, you have to make a full stop (.) period once you have stated a full, whole idea. Next, since we had to stop on that part, we have to add starting phrase to make a clear sentence. Hence, I added "She used to work with George, ..." at least it is clear that she worked with George. Third, the phrase "with George was a recluse". It is grammatically wrong. I know you want to emphasize what George does and who he is and so, you elaborated that he was a recluse. So, to make it clear, you have to be clear if the idea you are adding to was a "what" or a "who" etc. Therefore, you have to add "who" before the phrase "was a recluse" because you are describing "George" who was a recluse. Lastly, the word "the" vs "an". Definite and indefinite articles are confusing. However, once you know what is the essence of your sentence you will realize what to use between "the" and "an". Here, you are actually describing "Alice" who was an outgoing person. Therefore, instead of using definite article like "the", whenever you are describing someone by "who was ..." or "who used to be ..." you have to use "a/an" indefinite article.

, but how dare we are? > To be honest, I really did not understand what is this phrase for. It sounded rude to me like as if "how dare we are to do this in life when there is some time in our history that this Alice and George exist" or some sort of that. But, I know it is just a language barrier. I know you want to express something, it is just in a wrong way. I believe you want to say something positively it is just that you have chosen incorrect terms and words. If I could have just decode what you really meant based on the context, I would have suggested some phrase but I can not. But, to be safe, you can remove this phrase. If you really want to include something like this, please tell me what you really mean by this and then I will try to think of correct terms that I could suggest to you instead of having that phrase.

Well, that will be all. I hope I was able to help you and I am looking forward to your composition.

Enjoy and keep writing ! Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Want to sound like a leader - start by saying your name right - Laura Sicola | 7 Band Candidate [2]

Hi @fatirtalent

I have seen some common errors in your composition. Also, I explained everything what makes it wrong and what you can do instead. Hopefully, this will help you on your next composition.

Leadership communication isamajor issues > Always follow the rule of parallelism. Make your sentence align in terms of number or quantity. "Leadership communication" is only 1 then followed by "is" which is correct. Then, since they are only one (in terms of quantity), you should put "a" which will give you an idea of "Leadership communication is one major issue" and then since they are all equal to "one" quantity, "major issues" should also be singular, and so make it "major issue" drop "s".

that have been being talked by million people > This phrase is inconsistent with your first phrase. I think it is better if you will paraphrase this part to make it in line with your first phrase. I would suggest for you to use this instead:

which became the top concern by million people.

... which she defines asVOCALVocalExecutive Presence > I know you want to emphasize that word. But, in formal writing, it is not good to have inconsistency in capitalization. Just follow the rules in capitalizing letters like capitalize it if it is a proper noun, an abbreviation of known agency (which is immediately followed by the whole meaning of abbreviations) and someone else's title.

... Presence, itwhichmeans that > instead of having too much commas, change it to some simple transition words. In this phrase, since you are elaborating what vocal presence is, you can use "which" which also adds up another meaning to vocal presence.

AndiIt has ... > Avoid starting your sentence in a conjunction.

... presentation performance, andwhile55% and 7% proposition are supplied by body language and word choice respectively. > The "and" word is so repetitive where in fact, it has no bearing in the sentence. Instead of having double "and", choose different words which can also supply the same meaning and function in the sentence.

with cool graphicsand animation > "Graphic" is more of an adjective word like "graphic arts", "graphic design" etc. Meanwhile, "Graphics" works as noun. So, just be careful in choosing words.

...has anunspecial impact. > "A" is used if the word preceded starts with consonant. If it is a vowel, use "An". However, it seems that there is no such thing as "unspecial" word. I would suggest "insignificant" instead of "unspecial" though, if you will use this, you have to remove the indefinite article "a/an"

Tonality.,if we use strategically, itwillhelps > You are stating a probable future since you used "if" which gives something like "if we do this, we will have this" or sort of. So, it is probable which means it all lies in the future if we will do it today, the result will be something in the future that we may or may not expect. To cut the long story, if you will use "if" or at least state something probable that has futuristic results, use the future tense of the verb.

on most importance > This is not good phrase but it is understandable. Though, you might want to say "it will help the audience to focus more in the important details "

...,andincreasing better... > Since there is no other follow ups, use "and" because if you use comma, it means there are more than that but after that phrase "increasing better ... " it was followed by "." (period) which ends the sentence. So, change the comma to "and" word so that readers are aware that you only have 2 ideas you want to share.

AndaAs a leader > Again, avoid starting your sentences in a conjunction.

co-workers orconvenienceour > I think you mean "convince our clients".

,and even give good impressiveimpression in the first meeting. is necessary > Just like what I have mentioned above, always put "and" if there are no any follow ups in that certain idea. Also, I have changed "impressive" to "impression" since you have used "good" which is an adjective so the next word would have been a noun. But, in your sentence, it was another adjective "impressive" which is wrong. So, adjectives should be followed by a noun it describes which gives you "good impression" . The last part "is necessary" should be removed since it does not really adds up nor change the meaning in your sentence. It is like it is there because it is there. It does not have any function at all in the sentence. So, you can simply remove it.

Well, that will be all and I look forward to your next composition. Enjoy and keep writing !

Writing Feedback / A national issue that concerns me is the media's contribution to the rise of eating disorders [2]

Hi @jmaga1997

Your essay is good. In my opinion, it will be better to make your 2nd paragraph as "conclusion" or I should say put it in the end part because it looks more like generalization, while your current 3rd paragraph states a lot of idea which suits more as a "body"

Good luck and keep writing ! :)

Writing Feedback / Service Helps International Students Bridge Cultures [2]

Hi @agungdanprakoso

Your composition is good. It is organized however, there are some things that you have to consider whenever you express yourself in the language like word ordering, correct word usage and stuff which I saw in your work. I have made some corrections in your composition hopefully you consider.

how wasdoesitthe feel it ?

Nowadays,Ii want to highlight regarding what isare the merits of public service helps for life in our society ? > Or you can use this sentence instead:

"I will be highlighting the merits of public service help in our society and what makes it advantageous."

One all of organizations namely ISMA > ISMA, one of these service help organizations, ... > Use intervening phrase here, for you to separate two different ideas.

plan ting

Almost all of its ex-members who are involved in their programs are feeling deeply emotional.

They said, when they follow the activities,thatthey feel how the vastlyreally important of socialization is.!

In my opinion, it is out of the box which we can solve in this era ...

TheSuch programs...

Is not that the essential of human life is taking and giving each other ? > After all, human life is about taking and giving with each other

Overall, it is a great essay. Hopefully, you write more and practice so that you can make yourself comfortable in expressing yourself in English. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / STRICT RULE TOWARD ROAD OFFENDERS [2]

Hi @ilankelo21

I can not agree more to your essay. It is perfect, the usage of words really fit with each other. Also, the breaks in each paragraph is great, perfect use of transition words. It is well thought and well organized.

There is just one thing that I want to point.
which resultsed > This has been a completed action. Just be careful whenever you are dealing with completed studies or findings. If this is the case, use past tense of the verb. Unless, it is a general fact (universal fact), use present tense.

Other than that, your essay is great. Enjoy and keep writing ! :)

Writing Feedback / Before the construction began, the island had merely trees, and there was no any building [5]

Hi @rosadesiana

Overall, your composition is well presented. It is well organized and well thought. Though, there are some minor lapses you might overlooked.

The map shows a development of an island, > full stop.

A pierisplacedup rightin front ...

is free of the constructionsbutandthe trees are still preserved.

Well, that will be all. It is a good composition. I hope you continue to write and I think you can become a good writer.

Good luck !

Writing Feedback / TED SUMMARY: SARAH CAIN THE INTROVERT PERSON [4]

Hi @VK wssh

Here are some corrections I have made for your composition.

that introvertedpersonpeopleare different from > I used "people " here instead "person" because it is safer. Obviously, the word person in your sentence is wrong because you used "are". So, instead of "person" or adding "s" to the "person", use instead "people" to be safe.

to responded > this is an infinitive, use only the base form of the verb.

toall things slowly

theyare tough enoughfind it hardto socialize > Avoid using English words that is hard for you to understand because this might change the meaning of the whole sentence. "Tough" is a good word choice but the problem here is this "they are tough enough ... " which sounds like "they have been in different hardships, that they are strong enough to face whatever situation it is" which is actually wrong in this sentence.

Based on fact,Basically, ... > I know you want to use a transition word, however, this does not work in this part. There has been no facts presented or at least. So, you can use different transition words which are just easy to understand and to use.

an introverted personismore careful ...

whenever they deal in different situation liketodeliveringa message when they work with their co-worker.

to excite their feelingscausebecause > Avoid abbreviations and word contractions.
an introverted person please be wilderness for feeling something > Sorry. I did not understand this sentence.
lLastly take something good from your own "suitcase" and starttospeak softly. > Make this a separate sentence.

Good luck and keep writing !

Writing Feedback / TED VIDEO SUMMARY: THE POWER OF INTROVERTS BY SUSAN CAIN [3]

Hi @Asma Raj

You have a good writing style. Though, there are some minor lapses in your essay.

Susan Cainas,a lawyer andaconsultant,presents ...

informationbothabout extraverted and introverted people ...

huge contributions

and a lecturer

the selfthem

inaeachperson .

That will be all. Keep writing

Writing Feedback / 1.Swing basket method to fetch water from the soil 2.The roller bucket to reap water for irrigation [2]

Hi @kiki23

I find your composition a bit confusing even though the ideas are well organized. I think this is because of word ordering problem. Here are some corrections I have made.

The first diagramis usingusesswing basket > Actually, this is not actually wrong. Though, as much as possible, when you write a composition, make it in the active voice.

The material needed are theThis method needs materials such asbasket made from bambooand ropes which are attached to the basket on all 4 sides at least 4 meters in length.

, the digging soil extracted up to 2 meters near the irrigation ... > Make this as a separate sentence. Cut your sentence at "... basket made from bamboo and ropes which are attached to the basket on all 4 sides at least 4 meters in length."

... extracted 1- 2 meters near irrigation channels. Then remove this phrase "four meters ropes which will be used as much as ..." because you have already elaborated this in your previous sentence.

whichiswill be puttoinsidethe holeofthat has been created in thediggingsoil.

After that,Oncethe bamboo basketthathas been filled bythewater,canslowly liftedthe basketby pulling the ropes.

...it'sit isfull > Avoid contractions. Do not abbreviate.

The second diagramis utilizingshows a rope and bucket methodthe roller bucket to reap water for irrigation purposes
The materialsneeded ...

theplastic bucket, a 50 meters ...

the ropeis needed toshouldbe tied ...

totheeach rollersand the bucket handle.

The pulleyisshould beplugged to the ground ...

At the end of this methodLastly, the bucket shouldbeenteredthe stagnant pit ...

and the cowmight beshouldpulledthe rope

... as the pulleythat has beenplugged near the irrigation tunnelswill push the bucket to pour ...

eventougheven thoughthe materialsneeded areof it ismore complicated.

That will be all. Good luck and keep writing ! :)

Writing Feedback / 9 Things You Can Do Right Now for a Frugal Holiday Season [2]

Hi @kiki23

I appreciate your use of transition words. Though, there are some minor lapses that you might overlooked.

Wealwaysmay everthink that we desperately need a vacation.

Hence, startingour holiday

skipping lunchesouts at leastonce or twice a week

Furthermore, we should makethealistsof thingsthatwe wanted to purchase

Seventh, this is thebesttime to start shoppingstrategically .

The last one isLastly, ...

Well, that will be all. Hopefully, I was able to help you. Good luck and enjoy writing

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Exposure to international media, e.g. films, TV and magazines [2]

Hi @madmoiselle

Your essay is good and has a power. However, there are some minor lapses which we can improve in your essay.

... which is accessible for peopleofall ages

life stylelifestyle

... article, it iswhich is one ofthe ways of media to foster the readers in order to adjust theirlife stylelifestyle

However, there issome evidences

publishedairedin TV programs

... the local culture willbeerased

by the time once if the societiesydo not aware of it.wil not take this as a serious problem

the local culture will be erased once the society will not take this as a serious problem.

That will be all. Good luck and enjoy writing ! :)

Writing Feedback / The private car is the most popular vehicle in Edmonton used for commuting to work, business, etc. [2]

Hi @windvalley

I liked how the way you presented the data. It is organized and well thought. However, there are some minor points I want to say.

Overall,what stands out from the graph is thatprivate car is the most popular vehicle which is used mainly for travelling to work, business, and taking children to school. This sentence is kinda wordy. There are some phrases that you can remove instead.

As can be seen, topopthe list is private car, I don't know if you mean is "of " but whichever it is, you can simply say As can be seen, Private Car, which tops the list, represents nearly half of the transport in Edmonton.

... mode of transportwhich is at 10%. for each one.

Looking at the details, A majority

they useitcarfor transport If there will be no illustration given to the readers, they might get confused what does your "it" is referring to. So, specify first what do you want to talk about then, after that, you can use it. At least they knew what is that "it" refers to.

Shoppingaccounts for 15%,and leisure activities, at the same rate, are the two lowest recorded figures.
I think there is a problem in this sentence which I can not point out. But, here are my suggestions that you can use instead of that sentence.

Shopping and leisure activities are tied at ...
Shopping and leisure activities are both at 15% making these two the least choice of car owners.

They both have the same number of words as what your first sentence has but it is more straight to the point.

There you go. Good luck and keep writing !

Essays / SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY ABOUT A PAST EXPERIENCE. [3]

Hi @jamienguyen0911

Well, there is no some kind of special format other than having at least 3 paragraphs (introduction, body and summary or conclusion). However, there are some tips that I can give to enhance your composition.

1. Be clear on what you want to say. Usually, beginners tend to forget what is their aim whenever they write a composition. I would say list first everything you want to say in your essay then choose what particular topic you want to emphasize and what are not.

2. Since this is about your past experience, it is important to make your ideas in order. It is hard for the readers to understand what are you trying to say if the ideas were scattered.

3. Be more straightforward. Always make everything concise.

4. For the body of your essay, you can put all of your experiences first that has something to do with the course then, before you end your body paragraph, tell then how are these experiences affected you, personally and how these change you as a mature person.

5. Last but not the least, always write from your heart.

I hope I was able to help you. Good luck and keep writing

Writing Feedback / The result of adult education survey - Cambridge 1 Practice 1 - Correct if Found Some Wrong [2]

Hi @faizunaa17

I like the idea in the first paragraph. However, it should be more engaging whenever you are generalizing the facts being presented.
For example, instead of starting the paragraph with "Overall, ..." we can start it with brief introduction about the study say "Adult education has been impacted by different factors such as reasons why they study and its cost." so on and so forth.

Based on the first bar chart you can say instead "Based on the bar chart" since there is no other bar charts hence, there is no point of using "first" in the phrase.

about 40% people decide to study because they love the subject this is just my suggestion but you can stay this phrase as it is. I think you can try "about 40% of the survey population decides to study because they find interest in the subject/s."

slight "slightly different" or you can also say "People says that having advantage by gaining qualifications through studying is also an important factor why they study with 38% respondents."

Otherwise you mean "On the other hand"? But for this sentence it is better if you use "However, only ... "

... the course just for meet their friends
... the course just to meet their friends

If we look at the second pie chart - the same as the first one, just say " If we look at the pie chart" or "On the other hand".

The highest one Here, you have to be more consistent and direct when you are trying to point on something. So, as much as possible, avoid using "one" whenever you point on something just like "the first one, the fastest one etc." Instead of using it, you can say "Among these categories, respondents say that individuals should carry the course cost with 40% of the survey population".

In the second position just remove this and simply say "Employers follow next with 35% then Taxpayer earning 25% of the survey population".

This has been all. I hope I was able to help you. Moreover, I would like to recommend "thesaurus". It is very useful especially whenever you lack of words or vocabulary, you can check out the site. This will really help you improving your vocabulary skills in English.

Good luck !