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"Money is not omnipotent, but no money is incapable" (common app -- concern)

3 - What kind of adolescents have ambivalent money molded? in this sentence, i want to express that money has two...

Undergraduate71thsh1 - Sep 27, 200971thsh1 - Sep 27, 2009
"sport of cricket" - Michigan Essay Diversity

2 - This is a pretty good essay. The only thing I can think of fixing is in your personal paragraph,...

Undergraduatendog99 - Sep 27, 2009yamiri - Sep 27, 2009
A personal statement: reflection about different cultures

6 - I find the problem is that I am not clear myself...but just stating those things. About the boys, about...

Undergraduatezealzou - Sep 26, 2009zealzou - Sep 27, 2009
UNC "identify with a villian"

4 - I've revised it a bit and tried to make it more personal. I guess I interpreted the prompt a...

Undergraduatemmmargarita - Sep 26, 2009mmmargarita - Sep 27, 2009
UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill

10 - I preferred your original version. The introduction was stronger, as it went into more detail about the narrative incident....

UndergraduateDJKessler - Sep 18, 2009EF_Sean - Sep 27, 2009
'high-energy, loud, and crazy / ambicious person' - NCSSM Application

7 - So is there anyway to change this? This shows up when it is googled, and I'd really like to...

UndergraduateYeereina - Jan 1, 2008Yeereina - Sep 27, 2009
"in search for a better life in the US" - MSU PERSONAL STATEMENT

3 - Thanks for your input! I'll try to expand on how I've excelled in school in my last paragraph....

Undergraduateflipflap88 - Sep 27, 2009flipflap88 - Sep 27, 2009
"start losing weight" - FSU ESSAY

2 - Hi Kaitlin, I notice one huge aspect in your essay you could improve- passive writing! Almost every sentence has...

Undergraduatesurfskateskim - Sep 27, 2009Aemilia - Sep 27, 2009
Common App Diversity-Moving

2 - This is a beautifully written essay. It is very unique essay on diversity and you definitely showed lessons that...

Undergraduatevickaay - Sep 27, 2009ndog99 - Sep 27, 2009
Everything is diverse - Umich Diversity Essay

5 - hey heres a new version of my entire essay tell me what you thinkk... [A] "We know that...

Undergraduatelexi_z - Sep 21, 2009lexi_z - Sep 27, 2009
Personal life of famous person is no longer "personal"

5 - With the remarkable development of public media, the personal life of famous person is no longer "personal". Personally, I...

Writing FeedbackJin - Sep 23, 2009thinhtvdhtm - Sep 27, 2009
MIT: 'Armageddon has arrived' - What for pleasure? & What to major in?

6 - Changing your verbs from the passive voice tot he active will not only strengthen your essay, but give you...

Undergraduatenerdalert13 - Sep 19, 2009Notoman - Sep 27, 2009
My Dog (Need critiques for my common app essay)

3 - ^^ i agree. my dog also just died. very sad. sorry for ur loss...

Undergraduatetinytapper36 - Sep 26, 2009surfskateskim - Sep 27, 2009
'The death of my father' - UF Essay - A narrative of a meaningful event in my life

5 - i agree with acat6332. expand a little more in ur last paragraph. but other than that this is well...

Undergraduatekdizzle - Sep 26, 2009surfskateskim - Sep 27, 2009
FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life

7 - Thanks for the advice. I live in Florida too, and I doubt I'm going to FSU... I'm just applying...

Undergraduatepianogirl246 - Sep 19, 2009pianogirl246 - Sep 27, 2009
"Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay

4 - After I state that I want to be happy, I'm starting a new paragraph. I'm majoring in pre-dental....

Undergraduatestaycold - Sep 27, 2009staycold - Sep 27, 2009
"Why essay" for help.

4 - Your story from childhood is compelling and well told, with exquisite imagery. Just augment it with some more material...

UndergraduateSeriousStudent - Sep 27, 2009EF_Simone - Sep 27, 2009
Michigan Engineering Essay (the field of aerospace engineering)

2 - This is fine, though a bit dull. It's OK for engineering essays to be dull, but you still might...

Undergraduatelonelysnakr - Sep 27, 2009EF_Simone - Sep 27, 2009
"What do you do for the pleasure of it?" MIT Short Answer

6 - I liked the first one better then the second one. It draws you in, unlike the second response which...

Undergraduatefbs801 - Sep 19, 2009vip747 - Sep 27, 2009
Rambo Verses the Boar; Descriptive Narrative Assignment

8 - This is more like it. You may not want to mention this, though: Few people are concerned...

Writing Feedbackneuromancer - Sep 18, 2009EF_Sean - Sep 27, 2009
Leaving Kabul for Chicago (U of Illinois Champaign Essay)

3 - Ok thank you for your help I will definitely look into those changes....

Undergraduatesuperrambo - Sep 26, 2009superrambo - Sep 27, 2009
Big Shoes- Personal Statement

4 - We are applying for the same scholarship haha. "But I could not rely on my parents as mentors...

Undergraduatetkkt1 - Sep 26, 2009rubeethursday - Sep 27, 2009
Statement of Purpose to KENT STATE MSFE

2 - It's awfully long, given the relative paucity of content. Try to cut down on the verbiage by eliminating...

Graduatemrchildchild - Sep 26, 2009EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
Stereotypes of Middle Eastern People - Michigan Diversity Essay

3 - Your essay is really good. The only constructive criticism I have is that perhaps you want to be a...

Undergraduatefatalist - Sep 26, 2009sherbert - Sep 26, 2009
how can school help new students get accustomed to new environment?

6 - thanks mrchildchil! ielts 8 band, it means that your english is excellent. in your opinion, with this essay, how...

Writing Feedbackthinhtvdhtm - Sep 20, 2009thinhtvdhtm - Sep 26, 2009
'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay

5 - More likely, the pressure is making you try to write in fancy prose rather than simply saying what...

Graduatereader2011 - Sep 23, 2009EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
Improving the Legal System in Azerbaijan (law school statement of purpose)

4 - Use an actual subject and an action verb rather than "it is..." For example: To promote Azerbaijan's...

GraduateEminK - Sep 18, 2009EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
Descriptive Essay -my next move in terms of education

4 - Begin by brainstorming what you would say if somebody -- perhaps a younger member of your family -- said...

Undergraduatekielu84 - Sep 14, 2008EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
Biased Metaphors in the Science of Reproduction

2 - You ought to get a good grade for this essay. You accurately summarize Martin's overall point, illustrating the idea...

Writing Feedbackjason123 - Sep 26, 2009EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
"As we outgrow..." - UChicago essay

4 - jajaja thanks :) the thing is that my sats are nowhere close to the ones they ask for i...

Undergraduaterimafadlallah - Sep 22, 2009acat6332 - Sep 26, 2009
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