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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2 Types of music albums purchased by people in Britain [5]

Hi IZKK,

There are three bar graphscharts that illustrate aratetypes of various kinds o f music albums, which were sold in Britain.

This task requires you to report a summery of the trends and comparisons of data. So your writing tone needs to be sort of reporting. For example;

Three bar charts illustrate the types of music albums bought by males and females in the UK. Your next line (2 lines) should be the most obvious observation. Then move on to describing trends with more details with figures. Also include a line or two for comparing data. Finally write one line on your conclusion.

You can get some idea by reading good writing samples.
dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / Vaule of Money & Hardwork: work experience [9]

Now it sounds much much better... My only concern is that you talk about a blue collar job and then say that you saved 11000 dollars. I have no idea about US salaries. If it is generally so, then no issue. OMG... that's a lot of money :D

The most important point is that you need to sound genuine... may be you really do!
dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / Money should be spent on space centers or poor and needy people?Views [2]

In modernizationthis modern Era, Itit has become controversial issue among our society.

What issue has become controversial? this sentence is incomplete. You need to first introduce the topic to the reader. Do not answer your prompt direct as you answer a question in a comprehension passage. In the introduction you need to introduce the topic and state your opinion. This is how I'd write the introduction;

Today, many rich nations spend lots of money on building space centers that help them conduct many important space explorations. However, while some people support these efforts, others believe that it is a waste of resources and money. They argue that such money should be spent on needy people who cannot meet their main three meals. In my view, I think both these views have some validity and therefore it is important to have a balance between them.
dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS- Should children engage in some kind of paid work? Yes, it has lots of pluses [3]

However, some people are purely against this, stating that the education will be affected in a bad manner.

.... here your idea is not presented properly. You need to tell that they are against for this idea because they think that these children would be deprived of recieving a proper education which may affect their future negatively.

First of all, they get the opportunity to gain the practicalaspectexposure of what is being taught in the school, for example, how to record accounts in ledgers and how to work as a cashier.

Next, there are centers where the board and logging, meals and uniforms are provided free of charge and it is a very good way to overcome financial deficiencies.

.... this idea really does not go well with the rest...may be it's the way you presented.
Also I suggest you to have one reason and one speicifc example for para. That would help you manage time too :)
Anyway.... this is a good essay :)
dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Many people think that international travel will decrease in the future. [6]

In today's modernized world, travel is something which each and everyone of us make.

I don't think everyone does travel, especially the people in developing countries. You need to be careful in making general statement. You can say this safely;

In modern days, international travel has become a very common thing.

Your introduction and the prompt contradict each other. The prompt makes a statement about decrease in future travel and then it asks for your ideas about its impact. However, you don't mention about what is discussed in the prompt and instead take the theme in a different line :(

Introducing your prompt is the most important feature in your introduction!
dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries to fill vacancies [3]

Please help me with the essay.

Sure :) but, you should post your IELTS essays under "Writing Feedback" forum (select this forum)
Also you need to include the prompt so that we can provide more relevant comments. Here it is not clear what the argument is and therefor it is difficult to understand that your writing is aligned with the prompt.
dumi   
Mar 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Curiosity led me on a remarkable voyage; My aspirations(goals)for Queen's U & beyond [4]

Sorry for the delayed reply, and most of all thank you!!
LOL it's so easy to end up writing about irrelevant stuff on an essay like this. Anyways, I made some major changes to it according to your feedback. Is it any better?

.... :)
Well.... sounds better :)

For me, becoming a Queen's alumni means that I will be able to continue on my climb to success - inspiring others along the way.

... climbing success and inspiring others ; do you mean about the success in this field? This sounds too general.
My suggestion is to combine the first two paras. I'd like if you re-phrase them to show that you are interested in both IT and medicine. Take the following lines to the very end of this para;

- this journey has been nothing short of ecstatic. For me, becoming a Queen's alumni means that I will be able to continue on my climb to success (no need of hyphen) inspiring others along the way.

Also I feel it is better you use comma or semi colon instead of hyphen.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / My family had sacrificed so much; Why I want to transfer [3]

Well... I read your full answer... It's ok, but I feel that you should have given more emphasis to explaining your future career and professional plans. I find you have not talked much about what you aim to be as a professional. That makes you look less visionary. Tell them what you intend to be and what you intend to do. Show your passion for it. And then tell you need to fill certain gaps in terms of knowledge, exposure and that's why you intend to receive this opportunity. :)

Good Luck!
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Sea turtles, the environment-- Whitman / Current local,national, or global issue [7]

. Theimageexperience has haunted me ever since. I returned home feeling a mixture of sadness, anger, and resentment.

I guess you better change the order of these two sentences. Have the second line in front of the other because that scene ends with you returning home, but the experience still haunts you.

Since then, I have developed a passion for animals and the environment.

This had been the advent of my strong desire for protecting environment and animals.
You have written it very well... Wish you good luck!
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS -TASK1- Changes in means of transport in England during fifteen years [4]

Good editing by gudxo :)

The most significant feature is that car remained the main mode of travel afterfor 15 years.

This is very good.... You follow the right structure.... The most obvious observation should come first. :)

The average distance travvelled by car had the most impressive increasing, about 1400 miles per year while individual mode of travel, such as bicycle and walking had a slighly decreasing.

.... good comparison

n the other handm colletiv mode, like train and bus, suffered a gently growing i the 15 year-period.

overall, the mais mode in bith years is the car and then the train.

Hey.... what does this mean? Too many spelling errors ?
Overall, you follow a very good structure, but too many errors and grammar mistakes.... Also I wish if you expanded the comparison a bit more :)
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / transport vehicles/information processing/more tools, materials - that's why life today is easier [4]

This isobvious question is obvious because today technology is in highest levels.

I feel that life today is easier than in the past because of the improvement ofmore advanced technology make today life easy .

.... avoid repeating ideas in one sentence.

One reason why I agree with the above statement is that transport vehiclesthe progress in transportation today life.

One reason to support my view on this argument is that the convenience and efficiency we experience with modern transportation in contrast to previous centuries.

For example, in past the number of cars...

This sentence is too long and disturbs the clarity and flow of it ... Have one sentence for one idea and do not lengthen them too much.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / TRAVELLING ABROAD & REASON FOR TRAVEL (IELTS TASK1) [4]

In this task you need to summarize and report the main features and make comparisons where relevant. So you need to have a reporting tone when you write;

These charts illustrate the visits abroad by UK residents by purpose of visits and destination of visits abroad by main region in 1994-1998.

The charts illustrate the number of visits abroad made by UK residents during the period of 1994 -1998 by purpose and destination.

There are some visit purposes that arewas shown in the first chart such as holiday,business,visit to friends and relatives and other reasons.

... This needs improvement! Also it's better you start describing the most obvious observations rather than describing the parameters;
Overall, it can be observed that "Holiday" has been the main purpose of travel during this period.
You can get some idea by reading these samples.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / "Knowing oneself is the beginning of all wisdom"; Significant experiences [5]

Everyday at school, students learn about world history, mathematics, and chemistry - to name a few. While teachers spend countless hours going over the Pythagorean theorem, students are never given the opportunity to learn about themselves.

You have a word constraint and therefore you should make use of every word to earn points for you. The admission guys need to know you better and they are not interested in things they already know. So, avoid these detailed writing which does not reveal anything about you. They only consume your words.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Retirement should be in early age or late 70s? [5]

Well... you show great potential for improving your writing. Pay a little more attention to your grammar. Your vocabulary seems ok and the essay structure is also pretty good :)

Only thing you do not provide specific examples for your reasons.
This is my suggestion;
Limit one reason for one body para (2nd and 3rd paras). And give a specific example for each reason. Read the following essays. They are pretty good :) Also read the comments provided by others, especially by EF Kevin :)
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Retirement should be in early age or late 70s? [5]

Hi,
So you are with your second essay :)
When you do your next essay open that thread under "writing feedback" forum :)
Well .... I guess you are getting ready for IELTS or TOEFL.
As different people have different notions so some people want it should be early and others recommend to have retirement in near about 70age. ... this is bit too lengthy... when it's too long you tend to loose track.

over this issue I would talk about both Sides....
I believe that having the retirement age has both pros and cons.

Firstly, some people who want that retirement should be in early age.
it can be effect their future growth. ... this sounds confusing :(
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / (ielts graph) The computer and internet use per 1000 inhabitants in the Arab word. [3]

To begin with, there were same number of people per thousand use computer and internet in Egypt and Morocco which are 20 in both categories.

This should sound like a report on information revealed by the charts. So you need to have a tone of reporting something. Also you must first give the details of most obvious observations such as an overall view. This is what I suggest;

Overall the UAE records the highest number of inhabitants that use both computer and the internet in the Arab world. Egypt and Morocco the countries tha have the least number of people using computers while Syria records the lowerst number of people using the Internet. The only three countries that has people using the Internet more than computers are the UAE, Lebenan and Oman.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Corporal punishment good or bad [6]

These days ,it observed that many parents are in favor of physical punishment to discipline their children but its an issue of society thatwhether its bad or good or badbut i am partially agree in my point of view .

You should take your opinion to a new sentence; otherwise this sentence would be too lengthy and its flow would be affected.
Also, in the modern society, especially in the West, the trend is more to reject physical punishments. So, I think it is not very prudent to say many parents favor that. After all it is very likely that your essay will be evaluated by someone from the West who is not in its favor :D

first First and for the most thing is throughoutthat punishment in schools leads to good performance.

Is that so? You have not supported this reason with an example :(
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / MONEY for is meant for living happily - COMFORTABLE living is more important! [3]

Nowadays, It is hard to find people who isare not running after money,and are doing so

the word ,"people" is plural. Therefore it should be "people are"

Although it is generally believed that money can buy happiness and is the most essential element in human's life.

.... if you use the word "although" you need to connect this sentence with another. Therefore this sentence is now incomplete.

sense of content

sense of contentedness

It wont be wrong to say everything is compared with money and it is placed in the highest place in ones life by many people.

It is not wrong to say that people tend to measure everything in terms of money and this fact naturally promote them to give the highest priority for money in their lives.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Surprising endings are better than predictable endings [3]

Usually "normal" stories are not very interesting as "surprising" stories and it may be because of the clues the writer gives to the reader.

more than clues, it is because of "arousing curiosity" of the reader. Then reader would naturally want to follow the story because he needs to know what'll happen next.

Being unable to predict the end of the story makes us to feel more eager to go on reading.

exactly :)

then you think you know what is going to happen and you do not feel motivatingmotivated to go on reading.

For example, in the story A Glowing Future by Ruth Rendell the author provided the reader with many details related to a tea chest, helping him to find out what is going to happen with that box.

Okkkkkkkkk... so had this been book a flop? You've got to say that to align the outcome of this example with your reason
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / With no doubt, Experience is the best teacher [4]

With no doubt, experience is the best teacher which teaches individuals how to treat or make a decision in the future.

There is nothing wrong with this sentence in terms of grammar or vocabulary. However, it is good that you start with introducing the topic. Since this is an agrgumentive essay you need to show the other side of the argument also. Once you introduce the topic, you can state your opinion as you did above.

For example, scientists who investigate natural phenomena are convinced that they can make a better conclusion when they get experience during their research and are able to cope with obstacles.

I doubt whether this is a good example... Scientists have gained lots of theoratical knowledge before getting on to research. Without that they would not be able to carry out research. However, you can use a different example such as a car mechanic... He's a guy who works with more " know how" than book lessons. Always pick more specific and relevant examples to support your reasons.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Scholarship / Growing up I've made a lot of mistakes; Why I deserve this Scholarship [3]

I see the hurt in her eyes from the pain she feels for not being able to provide for us the way she feels she should be able to.

I often see the sorrow in her eyes when she finds herself helpless in providing us with means for our needs.

She works full-time at an elementary and goes to school full-time at night. Even though to most, this is a horrible life to live I wouldn't go back and change it for the world. Living this life of struggle, I've learned how to survive

Well.... here I find an issue with the flow... it does not flow well. Also your ideas are not linked properly. You start talking about your mom's routine and then suddenly say you are fed up with your life and want to make a difference.... The ideas do not fit in well :(
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / "I'm a really active person"; Westmont C/Extracurricular activities [4]

I love helping people as much as I can, it makes me feel like a better person. I volunteered in many things this past year, but the most campaign that took my full undivided attention was the Breast Cancer Campaign. Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could. What I learned from this campaign is the compassion of teamwork and support for people who need it, to show them that they are not alone and we are here to help. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world. It gives me pleasure to watch people smile.

This is very much better than what you wrote before. I can see you can write very well, but I think you still haven't used the right tone for this prompt, which is very important. They need to understand you and you need to tell them about you

Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could.

This is my suggestion;
This involvement gave me the opportunity to provide emotional support to the people who were diagonosed with breast cancer. ... Now tell them how it impacted you as a person...Avoid telling things that they already know such as details about breast cancer. You can even tell this through one of your personal experience with a patient. Then your writing would sound more genuine.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Essays / My grandparents' apartment; Descriptive essay about a place [3]

My childhood was spent in my grandparent's apartment with them because my parents were working in another city.

During my childhood, I lived with my grandparents who took care of me because my parents were live in a distant city for their work.

love my grandparents' apartment where I lived. The apartment is on the second floor of an old brick building which have been built up for several decades. Compared to other classmates' home, this apartment is dowdy. But for me, it is one of the most precious treasures. I have not been there for a long time, so I decide to go there.

In many of my friends' eyes, this building was nothing but a dowdy. However, I have always reserved a very special place in my heart for this old fashioned apartment which was on the second floor of a very old brick building that had been built several decades ago.

That building is located about 100 meters near the road, with the sweet olive trees in the yard.

I still love its location; only about 100 meters away from the road with sweet olive trees in the yard.
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / FENCING, a sport that requires utmost committment; UT Austin Transfer SOP [4]

Don't start out explaining your high school life if this information is secondary. Begin the essay with something relevant and gripping like, "I could have never imagined that fencing could have anything to do with academics."

Great advice by whoau :)

That's why I said that this paper has potential because you have an interesting story to tell. But you must present it in a way that sustains the suspense.

This is again very valid.... Your answer has great potential and it is indeed an interesting story. Pay attention to these advices and re-do it. We are awaiting your next draft :)
dumi   
Feb 28, 2013
Undergraduate / I constantly break thro barriers of the Atlantic Ocean waves; CORNELL/ExtraCurricular [4]

I actually enjoyed reading this essay. There was a flow that I admire and I was at least able to picture a slight image of the visual aspect of the essay. Well Done and Good Luck, I really hope for the best!

Agree :D
You have chosesn a right activity, explained your passion for it and why it is important to you, presented it in the right tone and most importantly has presented it to look genuine ;)

What's more? This is ready for submission and don't have any more bumps :D
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Curiosity led me on a remarkable voyage; My aspirations(goals)for Queen's U & beyond [4]

Your prompt wants you to talk about;

write about your goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond.

This is the only part that answers it;

At Queen's University, I would like to embark on the next chapter of my expedition. The Life Sciences program offers me an opportunity to further extend my evergrowing knowledge while exploring the extracurricular world that I share with my future peers. I find that the AMS Intern program and ASUS provide a backbone for a successful time at Queen's. Being socially adept and possessing leadership skills are not only good for the campus environment - they also prepare me for the career atmosphere that I will later join.

I dont say that you should not talk about your passion and how it evolved. But you have consumed too much words and paras explaining them and talked much less about what the prompt really needs. Talk about your goals more(both short and long), tell them what you want to achieve at Queens and beyond.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Scholarship / Cleaning Parks & Volunteering @ Day Care ; Lowes Scholarship/ Build Community [4]

Growing up within my community , I have seen that with a little work and determination anybody can cast a lasting positive effect on their community.

.... I feel it reads better without that phrase

Additionally, I have witnessed how cheerful and prolific a community becomes when people come together for a positive cause and do something aimed towards constructive deployment.

It is also important for a community to come together in common issues and the work toghether in finding positive solutions.

Most of my attempts to build my community have involved cleaning up local parks and volunteering at my local daycare for low-income families. By performing these services, I have built on my community by creating beautiful outdoor settings and aiding the lives of little children and contributing to their positive growth.

... my local daycare? do you own it?
[i]Believing in this, I had myself extensively involved with beautifying our environment by organizing (I'm not sure, but guessed) and taking part in cleaning campains of local parks and volunteering at the local daycare for low-income families.[/i]
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Letters / Recommendation letter for a student, for Holland, Media Studies [2]

I have known her since 2009 in the capacity of her professor and supervisor ofin one of her term papers.

.

XXX attended the following courses I teach: Art Management and Technology of Exhibition Business.

I think you should have had this included in the previous sentence;
I have known her since 2009 in the capacity of her professor of Art Management and Technology of Exhibition Business. I had also been the supervisor for one of the her term papers (better mention the term paper topic if possible)

As her supervisor I helped her while she was doing a research on Corporate Identity and Corporate Image as the Foundation for Corporate Communication.

I guided her in her research on Corporate Identity and Corporate Image as the Foundation for Corporate Communication.
This letter sounds pretty good :)
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Life is about making decisions; UVA TRANSFER:Why your field and what experiences? [4]

For me it was either Engineering or Medicine

Well... I like if you have a better link with the previous idea;
The biggest decision I had to make was choosing between Engineering and Medicine, so I finally decided to study both.

I wanted to be able to help people and make a difference in their lives by designing innovative solutions to medical problems.

This is my suggestion;
My dream is to make a positive difference in peoples' lives by designing innovative solutions for medical issues.

. Pacemakers, artificial hearts, insulin pumps- these designs have saved millions of lives across the world and I decided to be a part of this legacy and makeamy contribution to humanity myself .

.... strong sentence... good :)

I knew, in order to accomplish my goals I needed to prepare myself by havingwithana deeper understanding of the discipline I had chosen.

dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Essays / I'm a wife, a mother of two boys; "Who Am I?" [4]

android has provided you with excellent comments :)

First off, I am a wife, mother of two beautiful boys, and I'm a student here at a Community College.

First of all, I am a happy wife, a mother blessed with two beautiful boys and now a student here at a Community College. ... now you not only inform your marital status and other related info, but also give an idea about how you emotionally perceive yourself.

. I am also a very helpful, kind, and shy chatterbox around those I know and am comfortable with!

I am also a helpful, compassionate and kind person. Also I am pretty shy, yet a great chatterbox in the company of the people I am comfortable with.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Scholarship / I want to be part of the Islamic Finance; Why you should be awarded the scholarship? [3]

When I was at undergraduate level, I would come up with some Islamic finance terms and I'd asked my friends to help me to understand it.Through the years, I have been interested in Islamic banking industry. As we know that Islamic Finance has become a force to be reckoned in the global economic scenario compare to conventional banking line.

... I suggest the following presentation for these ideas;
It was during my undergraduate years, I first heard about Islamic Finance that my friends helped me understand. Then through the years I became interested in Islamic Banking and observed how Islamic Finance becoming a force to be reckoned in the global economic scenario.

Gradually, I realized that I want to be part of the Islamic Finance expert in the world someday.

Gradually I discovered my passion for becoming an Islamic Finance expert.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Large class sizes & rare relationships / TRANSFER Objectives [6]

My e-mails were rarely replied to, and graduate students directed a majority of the office hours

My e-mails were rarely responded.
and graduate students directed a majority of the office hours? I don't understand what you mean by this phrase :(
\

It was hard to establish a personal relationship with my professors when I rarely had the chance to speak with them.

Having no opportunity to approach the professors, it was too hard to establish any kind of personal relationship with them.

This disconnect with my professors felt very strange to me.

I found it very strange to have such distant relationship with the professors.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; What is better - More vocation time or More Salary? [3]

A job with more vocation time but a low salary, admittedly, do lead to conflicts and quarrels between relatives owing to the thin salary, let individuals fail to satisfy material needs and even render people become lazy and cease to trying to make futher progresses.

I find this sentence is too complex and too long. That hurts its clarity and flow. What you need for the opening sentence is a more comprehensible statement that comes with a punch.

Ugly as it is, people fail to recognize the significant merits this kind of job brings out, namely, great emotional pleasant, a sturdy physique and higher efficiency when coming back to work.

:(
I think you better re-phrase this introduction. Pay attention to clarity when you introduce the topic to the reader and express your opinion abut this argrment.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / At Penn, I will take the steps to grab every opportunity ;Penn/ Engage academically? [4]

Your's is pretty unique and as always very well presented. Do not worry about what others write, but preserve your authentic writing ;)

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn.

I think you have answered it well by saying how you engage yourself in the classroom setting, what your subject interests and how you get mingled with the community and what you intend to give back to it. So I think it is not just about ECA courses.

So your answer is well aligned with the prompt. :)
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / (ielts graph) leisure time in a typical week spend by male and female [4]

The bar chart illustrates how the leisure time in a typical week is spent by males and females belong to the categories of employed full time and part time, unemployed, housewives and retirees.

spend - present tense
spent - past tense
I spend money/ I spent money last year/ I have spent money/ money is spent

You could have given more details here. Also you need to pay attention to grammar
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS money is spent on keeping pets, while people throughout world are starving [5]

However, others believe that leading a luxurious life spending more on pets is a privilege of the well-off community.

Some people argue that the attention andmoney spent on pets are a waste of money and this can be diverted to stop starvation in the third world countries.

Some people argue that the attention and money spent on pets are a waste and that need to be diverted to prevent starvation in the third world countries. .... The prompt does not talk about this idea.... It asks to what extent you believe that. So, you need to answer that instead of going out of topic. Remember to keep your alignment with your topic always.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Graduate / Communication Struggles of children; SpeechTherapist [4]

When I began my career in communication my goal was to learn perfect English, and be able to communicate perfectly in this country. This was my strongest goal from the time I started seeing my parents struggling to speak and communicate in English, but during my career I struggled too. Communication was my best option because I was going to be able to grow, not just with my language skills, but also with a career that was going to be my main key to succeed.

When I began my career in communication my goal was to learn perfect English, and be able to communicate perfectly in this country.

.... the word "perfect" is repeated too soon. Also when you say "in this country", the reader starts wondering whether you refer to your home country or the USA (or some other English speaking country) ... so better re-phrase!

When I began my career in communication my goal was to be competent in English language.
Well... you need to organize this para to be read more effectively. First sketch down your ideas in a rough paper in a more logical sequence. Then begin to write with one sentence for one idea. In this para, you say something and then move to another idea and again tend to comeback to the previous idea. So, the flow is disturbed.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Graduate / Chalmers,a well-known school;Letter of Motivation-Master in Quality & Operations Mgmt [4]

During my studies I've been working with sales/logistics

I'm sure that I'm ready for studying at a higher level

I'm sure that I'm ready for gaining advance knowledge.
You talk about your professional goal in depth, but you don't talk much about in which way you intend to contribute to the technical development of your home country. I guess it is an important feature in a letter of motivation.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "If you could wish for one thing, what would it be?" ; Whitman College Essay [5]

or things that could be accomplished

If I was asked this question, two years ago, I would probably say "wealth" or "power". Not knowing the extent of a wish, or things that could be accomplish by such wish. To know that if this question was asked by many people, they too would probably wish for wealth or something similar. And knowing that many people will choose "I" instead of "we", really made me think of the purpose of my existence, and what I would do if I had a wish.

.... Well... I see you have a good point which is also very effective. However, I find you tend to talk about it a little bit overly. Don't consume more than one sentence for one idea.... The reader always expects to know something new and when you repeat the same thing your writing would be boring to him.
dumi   
Feb 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: should professors doing more research or educating students more? [5]

Although professors in a university are basically teachers who do the most important thing--- teaching we cannot ignore one more influential aspect that they are always busy with--- doing research

I dont understand why you leave --- !
It's better you say this idea in a more effective way;
Although the main responsiblity of professors is to teach, it is also important that they engage in research studies .

In my opinion, a professor should spend more time doing research rather than educating students for athe following few reasons following .

A professor means a researcher or an expert of a specific science subject

.... it is not fair to specify a particular discipline of studies. Professor can be a specialist in commerce, economics, music, history etc.

He or she should always keep the passion in her field so that he or she could push him/herself forward all the time.

------------ actually you are going a little out of topic... this essay is about whether a prof should teach or do research.... so, you don't have to talk about how passionately they need to involove with their work.

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