Undergraduate / "The Diversity Club" - one of your extracurricular activities or work experience [11]

because I have always been terrified of trying something new. M y friend, Haneen, finally convinced me to enter. I entered the room looked around and immediately noticed the diversity of the people (can you say this in a more specific or descriptive way?)

Since that first day I knew I had to come back. That day I knew I had to be part of this family. At the end here, I think you can do anything you want to do with the reader's attention. Think of what you want to make the reader know about you... Instead of saying you knew you had to come back, you can say something about an insight you gained about cultural differences and similarities.

Thanks for participating so much in EssayForum lately!

Undergraduate / business or engineering, "Vires, Ates.." - Insight on structuring and organizing [4]

... the middle of class to share a thought with us.

Capitalize: He then asked, "Why "? I realized that everyone's favorite show was related to a topic they understood.

here is a way to improve it, I think:
I admire the beauty of intellectual pursuits and I know that to be happy in life I must pursue my intellectual desires until they are completely fulfilled, and they include the subjects of ______, ______, and ______.

I know that the Florida Southern University is the place that will give me the ability to take full advantage of my intellectual potential. (can you replace this sentence with one that says something specific about why FSU is better than other schools, given your specific intellectual interests?)

You do a good job of explaining your ideas about vires, but the essay seems to end abruptly. I would be good if you had a thoughtful conclusion paragraph...

and also, in the beginning, I think you could add one more sentence to the intro to help the reader understand the connection between vires and "enjoying what you understand."

Undergraduate / "In the face of death" - Common App: an experience and how its affected your lfie [8]

I tried to divide the biscuits equally to all. another .

She had nothing to go back to, no parents, no family, and to top it off she was a victim of the notorious disease that kills over a million children every year. --- you did a great job with this sentence.

Let's not repeat children at the end:
Now in my final year, I will try and spend as much time as possible with the children of Grace Children's Home as I aspire to learn more from them.

I am impressed, and I bet the AO reader will be impressed, too!
How has this experience affected your career aspirations?

Undergraduate / "Gambling taught me a lot of things" - Personal Growth Essay, SUNY topic [4]

It's a different brand of high, and you don't have to smoke or snort anything; just get dealt the cards.

Winning by the means of gambling makes you feel ecstatic and like the king of the world, but the reality of things is that you can't win all the time. --- additionally, someone has to lose if you win, so it is hard to enjoy winning in the presence of someone who you are causing to suffer.

One night you can win big but other nights you come short and lose everything that you came in with. -- I think this is to obvious.

Soon after (after what?), depression hit me. I viewed things in a pessimistic way, and I was not

I like this sentence: I have become more diligent and keen.

Undergraduate / "Music is a central part in my life" - Common App - Elaborate on Extra Curricular [3]


Is this the best thing to tell the reader at the start of the essay? I think this essay would be okay without this sentence, and you could hook the reader's attention with a sentence that is intriguing or insightful.

The routines professional violinists follows follow, such as practicing daily and studying different various interpretations of a composition, have taught me that perseverance will yield progress, even though I may be unable ...

Nice! I hope the AO reader is a musician so she can really appreciate this.

Graduate / "knowledge in physical chemistry and scientific skills" - Chemistry Ph.D. SOP [4]


I think this first sentence should be more specific. When a reader sees something like this, something that does not tell her anything significant, she stops paying attention. So... can this first sentence name the specific topics within Chem. that particularly interest you?


Again, this is very obvious. You are obviously a brilliant thinker, so I challenge you to come up with a sentence that reflects your playful enthusiasm or your serious resolve. Make the reader interested.


What careful consideration did you give? I want to know about your specific thoughts and life-strategy. This essay shows that you are a high achiever, but do not rely on that. Make the essay surprising and as unique as you are.

:-)

Undergraduate / Dedication to academics- prompt 2 for UC Admissions (personal quality, talent) [3]

the key towards the key to success in one's life.

... be able to attain my goal of s to succeed with my education and be successful as an individual. Say something more specific! :-)

I think you focus too much in this essay on the issue of whether or not you take school seriously. If you want to be a competitive applicant, mention that only briefly and spend most of the essay discussing how it affects the "person you are." And when you talk about that, talk about your specific career interests, and the specializations that you might choose within your professional field.

Read an article about a field you might enter, and see if you get some inspiration to discuss your ideas about the field that most interests you and any recent developments in the field. Just google around. :-)

Undergraduate / About my post study plan - Supplement for Glion Hospitality Management School [2]

By working at in my home country, l could get a better understanding of the local market structures and customers expectations. In the next five years after graduation, I expect to move up the ladder and ...

My long-term goal is to build a luxury hotel chain in Indonesia that reflects Indonesians' identities and cultures. ---- is it really necessary to build them, or do you want to manage them?

They need a hotel that can offer them familiar surroundings , a place where they can call a "second home."

This is very good. I think it can be better if you talk about the specific resources and classes the program offers, so that you will be showing them that you researched the program.

:-)

Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]


Hey, wait a minute... the curiosity did not give way. It prevailed. Your self-restraint may have given way to your curiosity.


nice...

This enlightenment was undoubtedly the result of my surgery on my curiosity.
-- again, I don't know if curiosity is playing the appropriate role in this sentence.Your curiosity is the surgeon, maybe.

screw driver ---- one word screwdriver

I will scrutinize it and dissect it until I derive the gist of its magical existence.---- cool... cool surgery theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / Helping the community: "Community Application Essay" [3]


Can you write this in a different way so that you don't repeat that word "help"...?

I think the way you state several facts about yourself in the first paragraph is very plain. Think of a theme that can make that paragraph not-so-plain. Know what I mean? You can wait until you feel very creative, and come up with a rhythmic sentence that introduces you in a clever way. Can your self-description be a clever way of also describing something else that will be the theme for the essay? You can entertain the reader with an interesting way of talking about these things.

For example, think of what the reason might be for telling someone these things if you were not writing a college essay.

My long-term plans are to go to college and finish with at least my master's degree, live in California running my own business being a psychologist, and stay active in my community helping the homeless and different charities.--- if this is your plan, tell what schools of psych you prefer, what kinds of clients you might work with, and so forth. Let us see the details! :-)

Undergraduate / "The Reason I Will Run" - COLLEGE ADMITIONS ESSAY [3]


This is the thought you leave me with at the end of the first para. That para is nicely written, enjoyable to read. I can't help thinking, though, that the theme of the essay consists of more than this...

We were going to start running, every day.--- I made every day 2 words instead of one. As one word, it is an adjective.

Okay, you might find this weird, but I suggest putting the end at the beginning. The whole point of the essay and the wisdom it contains are available in those last few sentences. I would like to have the concepts of those sentences introduced at the beginning of the essay.

That way WHILE READING THE ESSAY the reader will be able to continuously appreciate the wisdom it has. Know what I mean? Let the reader know about the theme at the beginning. If you make them wait, I am afraid they might not notice it at the end.

:-) also, cut sentences and shorten sentences wherever possible so that the reader has as much attention as possible available for appreciating the awesome meaning that this expresses... the metaphor about what it means to learn to run. I like it!

Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

1.) Well at least tell me where you have already looked so that I know not to look there.

2.) Also, please give me a definition for logical fallacy so that I know we are thinking about the same things.

3.) Please list 5 kinds of logical fallacies and tell a little about each kind.

Do those things, and I'll look at some news articles to discuss with you. :-)

Undergraduate / "adventure boy in Spain" - experience, achievement, risk. Common Application. [2]

Hi there,

You have a nice writing style, but I think you need to intensify this essay. Think of your purpose. What is the experience you want to provide for the reader?

For example, why did you choose to include this?----I called my parents every single day once I woke up and before they went to bed.

I argue that this sentence is not helpful for providing the reader with the experience you want to provide.

Why did you choose to tell all about the conversation where they persuaded you? Is that the most important thing to talk about?

I think your purpose is to show them that you are able to think critically and use INTROSPECTION to reflect on a major experience. I think you should revise so that this essay tells them three or four of your new ideas about life and about your career, ideas that may be inspired by this experience.

The essay is about the trip, but it is also about you as a college applicant.
:-)

Book Reports / How to analyze Literary Tricksters? [2]

If you can't start, then it's as though you are hoping someone will do the work for you. But no one has more potential than you to think deeply about a reading.

Start by reading one of the readings and writing one sentence!

If you need ideas, try googling this:
The Wonderful Tar-Baby Story character analysis

You will find good discussions of the characters.
But do not just rely on notes you find online. Enjoy the reading! Humans love literature for a reason. It is a unique pleasure. Just keep the reading with you during the day and wait until you are not restless... wait until you feel like reading.

:-)

Essays / Life experience is a lesson - Peace Corps Essay 1 [2]

no need to repeat "first"

When I first mentioned my interest in joining the Peace Corps to my family, their first reaction was to ask me why and ...

Actually, though, it can be even more to-the-point:
When I first mentioned my interest in joining the Peace Corps to my family, their first reaction was to ask me why and my parents asked me why I wanted to join the Peace Corps, my immediate reply was, "because the Peace Corps presents a unique opportunity to better myself."---- but is this really what you said to them? Think back to what you really said to them. Maybe what you really said was even better than this. This does not seem like the way people really talk.

My past experiences have taught me that knowledge is power---- cliche!

opportunity to learn about a new culture so I have a better view of the world. --- too obvious!

Sorry I am being critical, but I think you can dig deeper...
This part is where it gets interesting: between what I wanted and what I need.... This starts to give it a theme, a real personality.

Keep the verb tense consistent: between what I wanted and what I needed...

But do you see what I mean about the difference between making general claims about wanting to better yourself, etc. and a specific concept such as the "difference between what I wanted and what I needed..."--- this is really interesting! So let the whole essay be full of intense, interesting concepts like this one.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Employee Efficiency and Performance Evaluation: GRE argument analysis [4]

In this case, I would recommend putting the first two paragraphs together as one paragraph. Taht will make a really solid intro. I like the way you got right to the point and mentioned that it is absurd to assume that the increase of productivity was caused by the observation.

Just because this single evaluator supposedly succeeded in the 12% efficiency increment doesn't dictate that others from the same or different firm would hold to such standards.

This is okay, but it will be better not to us the "Just because ----> does not mean..." form.
Try this:
The fact t hat this single evaluator supposedly succeeded in causing a 12% efficiency increase doesn't prove that others from the same or different firms would achieve such standards.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you" -Personal Statement on major [7]

Citing an article means mentioning it. If I was writing this, I might look at 3 or 4 articles written in the past few years about research studies done to add to our knowledge about particular kinds of exercise and nutrition... know what I mean? If you are interested in the fields, you probably read about current research studies.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Pers.Essay: A Time When I Encountered Something Greater Than Myself--Poverty in India [5]

The advice is talking about imagery words. Imagery words are the ones that give the reader an experience. For example, perfume is not really an imagery word, but a "nostril-burning, chemically smell" might give an experience.

The words orange, red, blue, etc... these also put images in the mind...

This is awesome: I remember wanting to punch my uncle in the face as he casually ignored the begging children.---- but how about an adjective or two?How about letting us see what that face looks like...

The teacher wants to bring out your ability to give the reader an experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / Quality education, advanced knowledge - reasons and effects for studying abroad [4]

What other? You mean another essay in a different thread?

...because it is a chance to have high quality education and to absorb new and advanced knowledge. Students try to find good studying environments in order to secure their future and to get good education.

Good sentence: So studying abroad enhances students' knowledge, develops their education and enriches their CV.

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - My brother, Living with Autism [4]


Well these things only reflect his disability, but I have known people with autism and they also have lessons to teach. Autism comes from too much focus on particular things, and that is why many autistic people have incredible talents. So... maybe this essay needs to discuss not only the patience you needed but also the real insight you gained, the lessons you learned by watching him work.

My brother never thanked me for being there but that didn't matter. It was never about the recognition. No need to include these sentences, becaus as you say it is not about that.

Living with autism--- unclear... makes it sound like you have autism.

:-)

Don't have this be just about you helping him; let it also be about his subtle wisdom and how you learn from him.

Undergraduate / "my homeland of Afghanistan were denied any access" -page 87 of your autobiography [5]


What do you mean by "the real life?" That is interesting to me. Do you mean that in America you enjoyed freedoms that make life "real?"

I like this essay a lot. I hope you understand the corrections made by L. Chiang, but I also want to tell you that your way of writing is very good. In this modern world, people have very different styles of writing in English.

For example, this is good:
However, I had the courage to start a new beginning with the strong feeling inside me to face all the realities of life and be firmed on my educational goals.

But I might write it like this:
However, I had the courage to start a new beginning with the strong feeling desire inside me to face all the realities of life and become firm in my decision about educational goals to pursue.

Please just stay focused on your specific goals. That is what I think you should discuss some more in the essay... specific intentions for the future.

Writing Feedback / Individual study helps keep me focused. If I study with my friends I easily get distracted. [5]

You are using the word individual as an adjective meaning unique.

Students have unique, individual study habits.

If you add an s, it makes individuals a noun:
Individuals have unique study habits.

Or you can use it as both noun and adjective:
Individuals have unique, individual habits.

By studying alone I can concentrate more on my studies, work on my weaknesses and study in a quiet place.--- good sentence!

I benefit a lot from individual study.

Research Papers / Colleges population become more diverse - should college staff be more diverse too? [2]


I think you are missing a word in this sentence... is this what you meant to write?

I have difficulty following the essay, and I often feel uncertain about what point you are trying to make. One way to improve it will be like this:

One way of addressing this issue is to examine data from all colleges and universities in the country as compared to historically black colleges and universities. (add another sentence that tells the general conclusion you come to in the paper. Add this sentence, and then end paragraph one.)

:-)

Undergraduate / "Seeking knowledge and commitment to service" - i have writers block, how to start? [3]

Hi Chelsee,

It seems like the kind of idea that is hard to express. I have a suspicion that your essay tries to explain it TOO much for the reader and that what you need to do is try to express only the main idea of the concept of art as a bridge between them.

When you are trying to deal with several abstract concepts, the essay ends up being a mess. The thing to do is focus on a particular theme without feeling like you have to explain everything.

Most importantly, focus on these 2:
"Seeking knowledge" and "commitment to service"

Letters / Job application (the role of an Italian speaking Research Consultant) [2]

I am writing in response to the position to express my interest in an available position as...

And I think you should not capitalize all of it: an Italian-speaking research consultant.
(I added a hyphen, too)

I can offer enthusiastic contributions that reflect knowledge I gained during experiences in brilliant organisations. I have excellent project-management skills, a great eye for detail, and fluency in the Italian language,all of which should make me an ideal candidate for this position.

It get's complex here:
Hopefully, my honest and reliable characteristics, combined with a social and friendly outlook on life and willingness to learn a nd achieve goals can be assets to my appointment, if successful.

:-) good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Will controling the amount of violence in films and on TV reduce violent crimes? [5]

...contain some violent and pornographic elements, and these can be encountered regardless of whether one is viewing a blockbusters or a favorite television show.

I see that John already gave a suggestion for this, and it is a good one. Thanks for all the work you did here, John411

This is my favorite part:
Also, the violent programs lack beautiful feelings...not true. As a person's greatness greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated; roles shown in the movies which portray disregard for legislation and regulation seem ridiculous.

:-)

Undergraduate / UM Admission, Unique qualities of Taubman College - Did I include enough? [2]


Interior design IS an art.
So is architecture... I'm excited about your career!

How about more discussion of the curriculum...
I get a sense that they want you to demonstrate knowledge of the curriculum for your program.

Yeah... I like the essay, but the thing that is missing is discussion of Taubman and the curriculum, etc... they want to know that you have made an informed decision about what you are doing. Make this, partly, a report about the program and what you know about it.

:-)

Undergraduate / Math Circle Program - common app essay [9]


I agree!!

Nice job with this... is it supposed to be so long? (i.e. 2 x the length of this when complete) I don't see much reflection and discussion of the significance of this, but i guess that will come later. Spend plenty of time discussing the moral of the story. You have nothing to worry about, though, because they will see how smart you are when they read your excellent writing.

Undergraduate / "Challenge of my first day as a software programmer with no programming background" [5]


You have some nicely structured sentences...


Sometimes I tell people that in the conclusion they should "consider the implications" or "leave the reader with something extra."

But I am just telling you that in case it gives you some insight. I agree with Radwa that the ending is great, and really the whole thing is great. In answer to this prompt, essays don't get much better than this.

Undergraduate / Influenced by strong family traditions-UCF Undergraduate Essay [6]

Well, I think it comes close! It just misses the mark by a little bit.... That last para needs to be longer, so that it can help the reader dive into thinking about how this family experience will influence you in your career.

It says "who you are," but going to college is all about your career... so... discuss what your career might be and how this memory is significant. Discuss the insight you get from this memory and how those insights relate you your career possibilities.

Undergraduate / Qualities, Influence of Family/culture/environment-UCF ESSAYS [5]

I wouldn't be where I am now without help from my family. They have been there for me every step of the way.---- too obvious. Make every sentence count! These are too simple.

From helping me get through problems in my life, to teaching me lessons that still follow me today, my family has been there .--- No, no, still seems empty of meaning.

My mother and father constantly encourage me to be the best I can be, and I am thankful for it .
My family is full of strong individuals who have taught me to take the initiative and not be afraid to challenge myself with arduous tasks. ----Now this is getting better!!! Now the essay is having a theme. See? So start with this sentence!

They have also bestowed upon me the open mindedness to embrace cultural differences and accept different views on things, ranging from politics all the way to religion. ---good!!

This is a confusing way to start the essay: Before I knew it...

The determination to succeed and drive to accomplish things would make ----this is good, but can you be more specific? Let this essay be the essay of someone who has a vision for the future and very clear interests. Be specific whenever you talk about how the future will be.

Writing Feedback / Guns Control or Not? - Essay with one body Paragraph [3]

Great job, Tan Vi! I want to improve one of the corrections:
Moreover, banning guns in Yemen is going to decrease the revenge problem, which is considered one of Yemen's significant problems.----- Thanks, Tan Vi, for the time you put into making these corrections. I just had this idea to improve this one...

Nesreen, this is very good! I want to suggest that when you argue a point like, this, you should spend a paragraph to "refute the counterargument." The counterargument people usually make for this subject is that criminals will have guns even if they are banned, so private citizens should be able to lawfully carry guns to defend themselves. If you talk about that and tell us why it is still better to ban guns, the argument will be stronger.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Capital Punishment in modern society - should be applied or not? [3]

Hi Rupam,

Your way of writing is nice to read. I just want to help you get more efficient. Here is an idea:

There are Many people having their opinion against and fo are opposed to the death penalty.

This is a good sentence, but as Tiffany pointed out, you need to add one more sentence to this paragraph: a thesis sentence that tells the MAIN IDEA of the whole essay. Do you know what I mean?

Here is a thesis statement: "The death penalty must be applied for certain offenses, because ______________."

Here is another sentence to revise:
People in such countries are mostly uneducated, and they might commit a big crime because they cannot understand their circumstances.---- I know what you were trying to say, but this is clearer.

Do you have any questions?

Writing Feedback / Miranda Rights are Important? - a persuasive essay [4]

Here is a good opportunity to tell you about the way commas can be used for a nice style in composition. Strunk and White recommend commas for compound sentences, so:

Sometimes the police violate certain rights and that's when things turn from bad to worse. --where is the comma?

Look for any compound sentences, and try throwing in a comma to see if it seems nicer.

Here is a compound sentence, and I'll also help with a rule called "number agreement."
The Miranda Rights are perfect as written, because they protect the suspect, it they have already been tested in previous cases, and it they serve as a check-and-balance for the police officers involved.

You already write really well and have some solid understanding of composition... (i.e. thesis statements) but now what you need to learn about is TOPIC SENTENCES. The first sentence of a para should be a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the para. Some of your paragraphs start with examples or quotations. Know what I mean?

So... I think that is the next step for you: tighten up the structure with topic sentences.

P.S. I see that you only give a brief line of feedback to other people... makes me think you are not really interested in sharing your talent! ...but I need good writers to give these learners a few minutes of feedback, like I am doing for you... so I have some make-up work for you to do! Go help a writer or two on the unanswered list, and give some thoughtful feedback! :-)

Writing Feedback / My journey that led me to pursue physical therapy school [4]


This is my favorite part. I want to hear more about what you have learned. What injuries, postural deviations, and other conditions have you learned about? What techniques interest you? What articles have you read?

After briefly mentioning the abstract concepts like passion and commitment, do not discuss them too much.Instead, spend time SHOWING us how passionate you are by discussing concepts associated with the field... especially any recent research studies you have read.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I have knowledge on the difficulty and pace of the FSU" -tips and corrections [3]

Let's intensify this first sentence:
When I graduate from Fort Lauderdale High School later this year, I will have completed four years of high school; four years of tough (no comma necessary here) and unrelenting Advanced Placement, AICE, and honors courses that have no forgiveness for lazy students.

I have excelled in essentially all of my classes, and sit ---- this seems suspicious! Essentially all? or all? If not all, then it is not essentially all. You would be better off writing "almost all." :-)

I know that I will continue to expand my experiences and knowledge, even more so at the college level. --- I don't think this sentence is meaningful enough to be worthy of the position at the beginning of the last paragraph. Can you come up with a sentence that powerfully expresses the theme of the essay?

While my performance in the classroom was more than sufficient considering the rigor of the classes at hand, I knew that alone would not be enough to enter a prestigious university at which my dreams could be fulfilled without compromise. --- Let's replace this with a sentence about your intentions for the future... and let's add a lot more about your intentions for the future. Your accomplishments are great, but do not rely on them to make the essay powerful. Promote a memorable theme. :-)

Poetry / Essay on the comparison of War Poetry - advice and opinions [2]

This is a solid essay. You should be confident about it. But how about the MLA citations? Shouldn't you give a line number when you directly quote a poem? Like this:

...almost horrific image: "what slow panic gouged these chasms round their fretted sockets?" (line XX)

Wow, as I continue to read this, I am really impressed by the depth of analysis. I hope you check out the EssayForum contributor page! We need greaat scholars to help us help essayists. :-)

All three poems portray very different perceptions of war.---- here is a place you might be able to make an improvement. In such a sophisticated analysis, a sentence as simple as this seems out of place. Maybe you can add an element to this sentence (Which is the topic sentence for the paragraph) to fill it with more meaning so that it will more fully reflect the main idea of the paragraph that it begins.

Great job!

Scholarship / revenue management: two questions for scholarship essays [3]

1. Humbly talk about your intentions to contribute to your field. Express gratitude and confidence, and talk about your plans.

2. Tell them about your circumstances, and describe how the next few years will be if you get the scholarship. Describe how the next few years will be if you do not get it. Explain that you will find ways to achieve your goals no matter if you are given the scholarship or not, but explain the ways the scholarship will improve your ability to fulfill your potential.

I look forward to seeing some of your writing! :-)

Undergraduate / "Taylor, my American brother!" - Stanford "Letter to a roommate..." [5]

Simba, this is really cool. It is so fascinating to learn about the culture. I want to suggest something that might be important. You can take the P.S. and put it at the beginning, like this:

NOTE: Taylor, none of the above below is true! I just want to give you a glimpse of my culture and traditions which, although I respect, clearly do not always uphold. Because you are from a very different culture to mine, I hope that we will be able to merge the divide and have exciting experience learning about each other's cultures! I look forward to meeting you (no wives attached!).

Dear Taylor from Colorado,

It is such an honor to have you as a roommate. It will be such fun my American brother!

Taylor, as you know the month we enroll coincides with the harvest. The rains have been so heavy this year and we are expecting a bumper crop indeed! I have...

Thanks for sharing this inspired essay; I'm impressed! I should warn you to be careful talking about polygamy, and it might be a good idea to acknowledge that it is unfair to women. :-)

Writing Feedback / Formal Analysis of Monet's "The Scene at Giverny" [2]

To the viewer hastily taking a glimpse, The Scene at Giverny might look...

This is very well-written. If you want to cover the elements of formal analysis, I think it might be best to include some discussion of the societal and historical context when this was created. Also, some more INTERPRETATION of his intentions could help. You focus mostly on the experience he provides, and you give great, great descriptions.

:-)