Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: Center Stage [4]


oh! beautiful. This is a beautiful sentence. I like.

It is as though the world as I know it ceases to exist and I am ...-----an idea to enhance you brevity.

:-)

Trim away the "of"
Each time I am on stage is the culmination of weeks, years, or even a lifetime of learned hard work, patience, dedication, and discipline-------like that. But I don't know, I think I would take away the reference to "or even a lifetime"

Writing Feedback / IELTS -Weather it is pointless to keep the traditional skills and ways of life alive [16]

Here is another point to think about:
Even though there will be some resistance created by our traditional skills and ways of life when we are marching for the industrialisation. I do agree to keep them there, because it is our tradition that gives us the superiority to other creatures on this planet, that is why I prefer this view.

Even though there will be some resistance created by our traditional skills and ways of life when we are marching toward industrialisation, I do agree that those skills and ways are important, because it is our tradition that gives us the superiority to other creatures on this planet, and that is why I prefer this view.

When you start with, "Even though xxxxxx
It needs to have a comma and continue as one sentence:
Even though they cause us to resist change, I still want to preserve the old traditions.

:-)

Undergraduate / What lessons have you learned from it? -- painting [6]


Awesome, you must feel really good about how this came out... very good stuff.
I like "dimly realized boredom."

You ended it well, too. I wonder though if "see" is the right verb or if a different one might be better.

Writing Feedback / Illustration Essay - "A Look Into My Life Through Obstacles" - feedback [4]

number agreement: ...just things to overcome before beginning life.

Let's get rid of the first mention of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.Such as the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, ...

You need a semi-colon here:
My plan worked well for a number of years; however, when I was 22, circumstances in my life changed and I had to move, which required having to drive across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. -----it would have been a run on sentence.

This essay is fascinating! Very good stuff.... the dream is horrifying.
I just wish that thesis sentence could express an overarching idea while also listing those obstacles. I wish it could express an idea about something those obstacles all have in common.

Undergraduate / My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class! [13]

I have changed in a way that I had never thought...

I am determined to pursue my goal of going to college to become an inspired elementary school teacher.

Yes, this is pretty great! I'm impressed by all the work in this forum. One important thing, though, Amber: you are making your smileys backwards! Look at Kayla's example:

hear the result of your hard work. Good luck :)
The smiley has to be laying on his right side so that the eyes are on your left! That is the proper way to make a smiley.

If you want to use the "active voice":
Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled into me.
Since he began studying for his future career, he has instilled his study habits into me.

Research Papers / Is my thesis strong? My topic is "how does beowulf reflects anglo saxon society? [4]

What citation style are you using? If it is MLA you need no comma:
with the Anglo-Saxons" (Roberts 34).
I took out the comma and put the parenthetical reference INSIDE the punctuation (before the period).

one of the oldest English epics, radiates the society and the culture of the Anglos; this well-loved poem gives deep insight into one of the beginning central Beowulf is able to provide insight about the foundations of British History known as the Anglo-Saxon Era, because it expresses _____________ (add some substantial observation here)

Fill in the blank with a phrase that captures the truth you are expressing. What can you say about the way this poem portrays that era? If you can meet this challenge I'm giving you, you'll have a thesis that says something specific.

Writing Feedback / "How, parents, talk to novice and expert children, history museum" - article critique [4]

Your intro confused me so much! I was trying to understand "with different degrees of [specific domains of] knowledge, and this happened in one natural history museum." I don't know how to tell you how this paragraph should be fixed, but I think it should probably begin with a short, quick sentence.

Um... are you required to begin by mentioning the key words? Or perhaps is an intro paragraph going to be added later? The important thing is to tell the reader what the article is about as soon as possible.

I see some interesting ideas in that intro, but remember this:
Every idea deserves its own paragraph. The idea is stated in the topic sentence (i.e. first sentence) of the paragraph.]

That's why paragraphs are important. State an idea, and then give sentences of explanation,elaboration, examples, or quotes, and then conclude the thing so that the reader really GETS every idea.

Graduate / "my responsibility to use my personal knowledge" - Peace Corps Personal Essay [3]


This part is a little cumbersome. "all members of the human race" can be accomplished with the word "all."

So it is hard to justify a large, cumbersome phrase. I know it expresses something, but I think you can do better with that sentence. Express something practical/pragmatic, maybe.

I look at the essay for a long time, and it is hard to say how to improve it because you have a nice writing style. Now I think the only way I can help is to challenge you with brevity.

Find places in the essay where you can accomplish the same thing in fewer words. Imagine how cool it can be if you accomplish all the same things in half the words. It would be an intense experience for the reader.

Throughout my life, I have always found myself happiest when helping others or in a team setting, working together towards a positive goal.------Here is a sentence that needs to be said in fewer words.

I am happiest when I am working with a team toward a meaningful goal...

Brevity is powerful.

Other than the need for some brevity, this is very impressive!

Even right here you have a chance to cut some unnecessaries:
I am aware that dedicating twenty seven months of my life to these months of service will be very challenging but I am confident that I will be able to meet the ten core expectations for volunteers.---- you don't get to include 27 months if you cut that, but who cares? They know it is 27 months. So... be very picky with the words and phrases you allow to participate in the essay.

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

Oh, excellent. Now if you can, it would be great to add a joke right near the beginning. Not really a joke, but just some funny observation.

If you do that, it'll accentuate the seriousness at the end and, more importantly, make the reader feel relaxed.

Graduate / Significant experiences outside of your home country or culture (MBA Essay) [5]

This is great, Ana. Congratulations! Not just about writing well, but about living a fascinating 211st century multicultural life.

I wanted to request that you put this back into the essay:

In my three years as a consultant, I worked with clients in four different markets in the Middle East and Africa. Growing up in Arab country, I did not expect to find difficulties integrating in other Arab countries. However, I was shocked to see the spectrum of culture within the Arab world.

This was an excellent sentence, because it really drew me into your world. I don't know how to explain it, but you do something great for the reader when you suggest the concept of being of Arab descent but being surprised to see the diversity even within what others might think of as one culture.

Hey, I think you keep using chock instead of shock. Maybe it is a computer glitch, but I wanted to let you know.

Undergraduate / ''Gift or challenge?'' personal admission essay. [3]


I think one more sentence would fit nicely here at the end of the first paragraph. Add a thesis statement. :-)

At first, I scoffed at such a tiresome idea of a debate which would only be fiery. This sentence is confusing and awkward. It is YOUR idea, so you do not scoff at it. You can write this:

At first, I was not looking forward to a tiresome debate, though it would be fiery. Who would want to waste beautiful sunne

To my surprise, I was chosen to be one of the beneficiaries for tutoring students who had difficulties in physics, with an aim of ensuring that whenever possible, I had used my time, skills and talents to benefit fellow students.----very good!! This is impressive. You are a real leader in your school, and I can't imagine any admissions person who would not be impressed.

Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

I do not like having to struggle down the narrow, slippery dock. I do not like having to carry a massive tank of steal that completely dominates my body while an enormous gust of wind afflicts (or disrupts?) my balance.

Keep that present verb tense:
But I do like what I will receive at the end of this in just a few short hours. I entered the rocking boat gracelessly and made make my way toward an empty seat. Curiosity seemed seems to emanate ...

Change all these verbs to match the present tense you used at the start. That will be great!

Mark is right... you are a poet. And I like you poetic style, too.

My determination into succeeding this course has led me into being able everything about this part I scratched out is messed up. Just write it s different way! :-) You obviously are a great writer, so I hope you don't mind me criticizing this sentence; I think you can do better.

Undergraduate / "to continue my education at a high level" + "Lidership" - UCF application [4]

The most important reason to me is to continue my education at a high level.-- this sentence does not really say anything. Know what I mean? I would scratch it out...

I would like to major in Business and from what I can tell with my research, UCF offers a outstanding Business Program. -----this is another empty sentence...nicely written, but lacking substance.

Hey, that second essay is full of substance, very good stuff!
The first essay has almost no substance. Think about your goal of showing the reader that you are serious and thoughtful about your chosen fields of study. Show us what you are all about with that first essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / university students required to attend classes?; it should be their decision [6]

Use this technique:

I consider XXXX to be ________.

I consider self-study to be a metho d that helps students to save time, take the initiative in managing their studies, and (especially) avoid becoming di stracted by their surroundings.

:-)

Essays / My paper is called Originality: A Figment of Our Imagination, I need a little help... [3]

Try this:

Make a bold statement that will be the main truth expressed by your essay. Put that at the end of paragraph 1.

Make 5 statements that support that main statement. Let these be the topic sentences (i.e. first sentence of the paragraph) of each body paragraph.

How do you know what to write for those supporting sentences? Write whatever you find out in the articles you read.

***If you find out something that does not support your thesis, maybe you should adjust the thesis.

For a direct quote give the page number:
"When in doubt, cite", but "Who owns the words?" (Shields 14).

Oh, ha ha, I see that you make an interesting argument here...very good.

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores." -- family, friends, excellence in school [3]

each ----> is
...each of the words in the phrase "Vires, Artes, Mores" is ...

oh, I think Mark's way is even better, because it is about how they "have been" exemplified.
But make it "has" though. Each --- has

All-----> have
Each -----> has
Well, you know what I mean!

As described, I believed that I am a thorough person, aptly demonstrating the true attributes of "Vires", an individual who has many strengths, ones that include good morals, physical ability, and a consummate intellect.--- this sentence is a big mess. It shows you have good mastery of language, but it is unnecessarily complex! :-) As a thorough person with strengths that include morality, physical ability, and intellect, I am aptly demonstrating Vires.

Writing Feedback / In my view studying in a group is a better method than studying on your own. [10]


Yep, awesome. That was my mistake. I was not sure when I was mentioning that. Good call!

Undergraduate / UNC Essay - How I Express My Inner World [7]

All they have to do is buy a ticket, grab some popcorn, and find their seat, because I pour my soul onto the stage.--- This is great! It seems like maybe something is missing, though...

All they have to do is buy a ticket, grab some popcorn, and find their seat, because when I pour my soul onto the stage I supply the energy that makes their experience worthwhile.----I wanted to show that you "take care of something" for them, so all they have to do is relax. That is a good concept...

As the great playwright William Shakespeare once... ---- goes without saying, so don't say it. That is a good rule to follow. Never say anything unnecessary unless it is particularly cool.

Undergraduate / "Determination can help you achieve everything." - Describe the world you come from [4]


I see the wisdom of this, but obviously the father makes a great theme. It is not necessary to say less about the father, but maybe you should say more about you.

This is the philosophy that my father have has been trying to teach me.
Oops, I see that Mark corrected this already...

...of responsibility for my family.---right after this, add another sentence about you and how your history will affect your future.

he managed all the knowledge he learned at class and seized every chance he got to expand his knowledge.

In the summer break of 10th grade, I went to my father's hometown with him.

My father was popular at in his hometown, because as the first college student in the village, he was the proud of the community.

...could still feel the pride in his voice.
Ah! The ending is awesome! You made it very powerful. This essay has some real value, because it makes me (as the reader) have a deep experience of reflection.

Graduate / PS for petroleum engineering graduate program in UTA [4]


I like this sentence, because it conveys that certainty, which makes the reader want to see you succeed.

Hey, I like some of this wisdom from Jon. Especially the need for more explanation about neo-Darwinist.

People say, that "Business is the salt of life."
Oh, and you need "as"
to label myself as a "NeoDarwinist."
After this sentence it would be good to cite one or two articles you saw in those journals.

Undergraduate / "living in a third world country" - significant experience [9]


I think it would be nice to modify one of these 2 nouns with an adjective. Either one but not both.

Google this:
imagery words list

That is what you are missing, I think. :-)

Undergraduate / "my parent's life story" - influential persons, common app personal statement essay [8]


That is some deep analysis... high quality stuff.

I am still left wondering where you are going with this...

Yes, I would really like it if you ditched the first para. This is a VERY good sentence:
Ever since I was old enough to have my own thoughts and opinions, my parents ...---I love it.

Here is another clever thing you did:
In me, my parents have instilled an appetite ...---I have never seen anyone do that before (use "in me + comma to start a sentence.

Here is a place you do not need the comma:

Poetry / I am... (abstract/concrete/truthful ideas and statements) poem [4]

Coon Tyler, that is a great example!

So, this is a pretty interesting assignment. Do you understand abstract and concrete? Try thinking of several abstract things first. Use a metaphor.

I don't think the truthful statement necessarily needs to be a confession. It can be an affirmation.

Undergraduate / "fast-paced city, clubs, opportunities" - Why Brown? [3]

Looks like you are missing a period at the end, in the last sentences.

Um... Providence is really a cool place. It has strange energy or something, a strange and emotional, creative atmosphere.

I think you need more evidence to show what you liked... the thing about hip hop showed a little of what you mean. I think the word inspiration is appropriate, and you should find some ways to talk about being in Providence when you are getting the foundation for your career. Brown is going to become part of you if you go there, and part of your career. Your career is what this is really about. Let's focus a little more on the specifics of your plan.

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]


Same plight for all of us.

Waft around the Internet for ideas! :-)

Undergraduate / "to adapt to a new environment" - Overcoming obstacles and Excelling (SOP) [7]


The para about being entirely dedicated to whatever you strive for? The sure is about struggle. But remember the rule, "show, don't tell." You do show the reader (i.e. give examples), though, so I think it's good!

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


wow, harsh. Well, I guess there is wisdom to that...

I like the way the essay ended. And it is easy to understand now. I find myself wanting to keep reading to find out how it ends. So, that means it's good!

Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]


I was just joking!!!!

The essay is pretty great. It seems "action packed," or something. It has some kind of good energy.

Undergraduate / "my brother made an intelligent choice" - Penn State personal statement [5]

I don't think the sentence about finding out you, like your brother, would attend is important enough to be at the end of the first paragraph.

The end of the first para is an important spot. How about keeping that sentence there but adding another one? Add a sentence to the end of that paragraph and let it be one that says the message you want the reader to remember.

Undergraduate / "Influential Jonathan", Write an essay on how someone has greatly impacted your life [3]


Ha ha, I can already tell it is going to be great. 'm already enjoying your writing in the first line of this preface.

'In the course of my life, I've been influenced by many people. Over the past eighteen years many family members and friends and the parts they've played in my life have impacted how I behave and think. Most of the people who have influenced me made stereotypical contributions, like my Mom and my best friend. Surprisingly though, the person who had the strongest effect on me was someone that I hardly knew, and yet he was able to make me... this is excellent! If you take off the part I crossed out, that would be the way I would do it. So often, the first few sentences of an essay are boring, and after that it gets interesting.

:-)

This is the kind of writing that requires you to go back and take out a few sentences, the weakest sentences... the most unnecessary ones. You are good at letting the ideas flow along, but go back to find ways to lighten the load.

For some reason this essay reminded me of a cafe I used to go to in a cool part of Providence.

Him leaving was like biting into a lemon. Sour and fresh puckered cheeks, if there's one thing in the world that perfectly personifies betrayal and rejection, it's the choking, hurtful taste of lemons.---interesting! I like it...

I would do this, though:
My experience of him leaving was like biting into a lemon.

The ending of this is awesome... clever idea.

Undergraduate / "my dad is Superman" - about someone who has made an impact on your life [7]


Awesome! That's great. Fix the typo, though... the missing letter n.

And here I think you are missing the word "would"
the man who would pick me up and carry me inside when I fell asleep on car rides, the man who'd point to this little ugly duckling and declare proudly, "That's my daughter".

Cool! Ha ha, the ending is great, and ... I like everything about it.

He's the constant rock in my life. He's the man who'd... I see the way this might be something to trim, as Kayla suggests. She is smart. But that is only if you want a really high standard of focus, and you can adjust your theme any way you want. It depends your own priorities. Cutting that part would be okay, but you might want to keep it because that might be where the soul of the essay is for you. :-)

Letters / Letter From the Renaissance to Alfonzo [3]


No you don't! How did you learn to write so well? If you know of any books that can help me learn to write like you, I want to know the titles.

For this essay, I am happy to say I thought of something that might really benefit you: imagery words and good action verbs.

Imagery words include smells -- when I type about the "strange smell of grape juice" it really makes you smell something.
But look at this:
incredibly, gorgeous colors I ever laid eyes upon. Shockingly bright, but he brilliantly applied the colors to fill the painting.
You mention it, but you mentioned no colors, no textures, no images.

Let the reader see something!

Also, good action verbs are really full of action. Run is better than appear, and gouge is better than run. It's just about being interesting. Ha ha, well, that is how it seems to me, anyway.

So... your writing needs more imagery words and action verbs.

Undergraduate / "Pledge of Allegiance Controversy" ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [11]


So we have a responsibility to indoctrinate kids to a certain extent in order to give them a good foundation so that they don't end up embracing a less desirable ideology? I'll give that concept the name, the "Indoctrination as Inoculation" argument.

I've never thought that way, but I also make mistakes all the time, so maybe you are right! :-)

I always thought of it differently, associating indoctrination with brainwashing. But you might be right; if a small amount of indoctrination really can help prevent kids from choosing their own ideology, then that is very useful to people who feel certain about an ideology.

Undergraduate / "seize the day" - Seeking UF Admission Essay Revision and Corrections [4]


Very wise. I guess wisdom comes from painful experience. You reminded me of a book called No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. I think you should search for it! :-)

I'll show you where to add some commas for compound sentences. Put commas before the word "and."
"All I could smell was gasoline fumes all throughout the house, and my mom's car was gone. It was January 14, 2006, and my dad, brother and I had just come home from my grandparent's house. Right away we all knew something was very wrong. My mom was missing. She had a severe form of depression, and she hadn't been feeling well the past couple months. ---- see the new commas?

Because of your personal philosophy, I think you would like the work of Kant. Google around about Kant and the term "categorical imperative," and I think you may be able to add substance to your essay by citing him, because your moral philosophy is like his.

Undergraduate / "to look at the positive side" + "UCF's beautiful campus" - ucf undergraduate essay! [7]


It's a cliche. I guess I don't like this sentence.

Consider starting with this:
My initial reaction when I first visited the UFC campus was, "W ow! I can already see myself getting used to this pleasant and welcoming environment."

I want to contribute as much as I can to UCF, I am also looking forward to becoming part of a team because I acquired considerable leadership skills as a ____________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "addicted to something addictive" - It is just a Daily Journal [4]


You certainly are right. Your journaling is as meaningful and significant as anyone's writing about anything. I'm glad you are here!

Small error:
go out for running. ---it is not even really an error... just sounds funny.

Ha ha, great use of goodlookingly! That is definitely not a word I have ever seen. Thanks for enriching my life!
I eat a lot, yet nevertheless I am good-lookingly skinny and slim.

Needless to say, running or exercising on the regular basis lift up not only our physical strength, but also self-confidence; I do not know if it is applicable to others, but definitely and undoubtedly it is to me.----excellent sentence, but put an s on the end of lift.

lifts.
If you said "and" it would need no s, but you said or, so it needs an s. :-)

It is therefore absolutely imperative that we should not get addicted to something addictive and eliminate and get rid of the bad habits, if any.------ it is redundant to say "addicted to something addictive.: Just say "We should not become addicted to anything."

But how can one avoid addiction? You are addicted to food and water, because you get very uncomfortable without them. You are addicted to this light show of life. How can one say "no" to something? I believe it is only when there is something else that you want more. If you ever fall into addiction, I hope you'll renew your passion for making a positive impact on the world.

Undergraduate / Camp counselor vs soccer vs Volunteer? [3]

I know what Mark means, for sure. People often mess up their essays by trying to tell everything instead of powerfully expounding one great truth, like a focused thrust of a spear.

However, I wicked like your idea of coming up with a concept that involves the other activities. "Being a leader" does not work as an activity for this essay, though. You probably already figured that out.

Try this: Write about being a camp counselor, and write about the similarities between that and being a soccer ref. Then, note some similarities between being a counselor and being a volunteer at that shelter... part of being a leader to the kids is setting a good example.

So you absolutely can mention all three (and I am impressed that you did these great things! All three are excellent. And I know how hard it is to be a soccer ref, OMG I once had to blow the whistle to end an under-12 game just as a kid kicked the ball to score the goal that would break a 0-0 tie! Can you imagine how angry parents got? It is not like basketball where if the ball is in the air when the buzzer sounds the basket still counts; in soccer when the whistle blows that is it, even if the ball is a second away from the goal! But I digress...), because you can "look for the similarities" in your essay.

"When seeking wisdom, look for the similarities..." --- James Mitose

Undergraduate / "Doctor's dream and life commitment" - Why The Ohio State University? [5]


You can impress them with your grammar if you do this:
I would like to attend Ohio State University because it has been a dream of mine as well as a planned commitment for which I have been waiting all my life.----- this is not necessary, though! The way you wrote it was okay, and only staunch grammarians would complain about it... :-)

I have a passion for the Ohio State football team; I am in awe of the amazing program Ohio State has developed. --- I don't want to read about these things yet.. not in the second sentence. It is better to give an intro that tells the main ideas your essay will cover. Then dedicate a para to talking about football, a para talking about your mom, a para talking about your academic interests, and so forth.

One para = one idea.

Really, though, I think it might be best to only mention football and your mom's experience briefly, and concentrate on writing about why this school will be best for your particular interests in medicine... tell about the philosophy of the school and your philosophy of medicine, and how they are related. That would be cool!!

Graduate / Peace Corps Application Essays: Motivation and Cultural Experience [4]

Why Titles are Powerful


I think a title is as powerful as the thesis statement. An essay is just a transmission of ideas, so when you give a thesis statement at the end of para #1 or when you give a title, it's like injecting an idea right into the reader's brain. Then, in the conclusion para, you reinforce the idea. In conclusion, that is why titles are powerful.

About the word count: try to get it down within their limit... I'll help!


Very astute, Kayla, great job! I am impressed...

Here is a part that starts to get the intro a little complicated.
When graduation finally came, however, the travel bug had bit me and I was itching to see the world. I took off on a journey with no real end in sight. It was a journey based around my love for snowboarding and the outdoors. I was searching for deep snow, low responsibility, and new friends, but I found something much deeper. I think you should replace this with a short sentence that will be easy to understand, and then you will be within the word count.

The first essay really is quite impressive. It gives me a real sense of how you went through this process and decided what to do...

Here is a suggestion for the second one:
I did integrate settle into another culture, but it was not very different from my own.
(I think it sounds strange to use integrate this way, but I may be wrong.)

Right here, get rid of "all"
All of the rules, regulations, and the presence of uniformed
All of t The rules and regulations and the presence of uniformed...--- this is probably best. You can't say All of the ----> presence... and you can't say the rules of the ----->uniformed men

Hey, these are great, and your accomplishments and contributions are great. You will be well received for sure!

Undergraduate / "Pledge of Allegiance Controversy" ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [11]


Well if reciting it is the norm, then there is some pressure to participate. Especially when children are too young to understand the words.

I always thought it was a bit like creepy indoctrination. I really do love the heroic story of America's founding and the huge splash it made... I sincerely am inspired by the ideology of America, but i just think the Pledge is some creepy indoctrination. I never understood what the words meant in that pledge,,, not until high school!

Also, it is a promise to us as a people that the U.S.A. will stand together as an inseparable free nation with one ruler, God, who will guide our nation without fault. --------this is so religiously bias. I think Jesus was a hero, but you have to admit: America is predominantly Christian, but it is also founded on the principle of religious freedom! So why impose a Christian slant on the Pledge. Like Austin said, that separation of church from state is a key aspect of American religious freedom.

The Pledge of Allegiance is an outstanding tool used to teach those very philosophies, so why take this away from our future leaders? Why disadvantage them with the lack information about our country--- the Pledge does not give much information.

what is stopping them from restraining students the right to pray before a test or to have a moment of silence for prayer or personal reflection? We need to fight for our freedom on this issue, ---- well, i guess I disagree with you about the issue. You can't really say anyone's freedom is being taken away, can you? It seems that freedom is not being taken away. All that is being taken away is a practice of blatant indoctrination that is contrary to American values like individual thinking, etc. As an American, I should pledge to not be too dependent on the government (see Thoreau's "Civil Disobedience" and "Walden").

Pledging allegiance to the government, as if to say you will support it no matter what the President and Congress decide to do, is contrary to American values expressed by Thoreau.

Anyway, you can see from Mark's perspective that your argument represents a view shared by others. So, definitely don't let yourself be discouraged by me playing the devil's advocate. Is it good to have kids recite a pledge like this in 21st century America? I don't have a strong opinion, so I don't want to offend anyone. I enjoy your essay no matter what!