Posts by dumi - page 136

dumi

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / Escaping my comfort zone; University of Richmond Supplement essay [4]

In fact, about 50 years ago it was quite commonplace.

This gives the impression as if you knew it for 50 years... I don't think you are in your fiftees ; )

I was convinced that I was facing the worst of it, and that a faster, more accurate, and healthier way of typing would be well worth the few weeks of struggle.

.... tell them what made that conviction! How did this experience benefit you? What you learned out of it, both technically and personally? You explain your experience in detail, but we cannot figure out how you had been benefited by this whole exercise. You need to fill that gap!

dumi

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / I'm from a Kazakh family; My college Essay [7]

I guess you have written this as an answer for a college application. It's better if you tell us the prompt so that we could give more relevant comments to you :)

A son of Kazakh students in St. Petersburg, Russia about to start my first day of kindergarten not knowing a single word in Russian, and being a bit scared of this new culture I am about to encounter.

.... son of Kazakh students? ... do you mean your father was a Kazakh student? ... It sounds a bit confusing and also this sentence sounds a bit exaggerated when you try to explain your feelings as a two year old. There is a question how you would remember what happened when you were two years. : (

Also this sentence is a bit too long and wish you had split it to two;

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Scholarship / what experience sets me apart from other students? for a scholarship application [3]

I grew up in the public school system and always maintained good grades; however, I never went out of my way to be involved.

I guess you can say this with a better punch ;)
I am a product of my country's public school system within which I maintained good grades and excelled.

Also I don't understand what you try to mean by "however, I never went out of my way to be involved". What do you mean? Is it necessary to tell so?

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / GRE- Argument on letter by Central Plaza store owners; Hidden factors [3]

hi, by mistake i have posted this essay in undergraduate. it under comes graduate essay.

that's now fixed ;) ... Also we moved it to writing feedback forum because it's a GRE essay :D

While it may be true that the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been decreasing since last two years

According to the author, banned on skateboarding would increase the sales at central plaza.

According to the author, a ban on skateboarding would increase the sales at central plaza

While the correlations are logical and probable, there may be hidden factors that are responsible for decreased number of shoppers.

While the correlations seem to be somewhat logical and probable, there also could be hidden factors that contribute to the decreased number of shoppers.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Essays / Child Beauty Pageants Essay ; Impact on girls! [5]

Throughout the years child beauty pageants popularity has grown an exponential amount.

Throughout the years, popularity of child beauty pageants grew exponentially

It's estimated in the United States alone each year 250,000 children compete in child pageants of that,over 100,000 are girls under the age of twelve (Rapport).

... pay attention to clarity of your sentence and their structure
In the United States alone, it is estimated that about 250000 children, with more than 100,000 girls who are under the age of twelve, take part in child beauty pageants.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) Effect of action movies on young children/ Solutions [7]

Good Introduction :)

First and foremost

... I prefer "First" :)

parents should teach their children about good moralities one should possess.

.... the word should be "Morals"
.... parents should teach their children good morals that one should possess.

Also minor people

..."minors" is a better word to use here!

First and foremost, a good parenting is significant in developing good qualities in children.

... here all what you have said is true and some sort of relevance to your topic. But you give more emphasis on to the parents' role and little on to the topic theme. You should have that as your focus;

First, it is the responsibility of the parents to educate and guide children to choose the right TV programs for them to watch. Parents being the most responsible individuals in the growth and development of their children, they need to encourage their children to watch TV shows and movies that help children develop good moral values.

You can write well.... just keep the alignment with your topic :)

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / Academic & Cultural exposure/ Benefit & Contribute/ Rutgers Common App [2]

I like your introduction. It's well presented :)

The long ~~plane~~flights and car rides were annoying and the angst of whether I would like the new location almost drove me insane.

Being from Africa gives me a different appreciation of life than American students, because I know how hard my parents had it.

Being from Africa gives me a different appreciation of life than American students because I know the proper meaning of hardships.

I think you've done a good job!
Good Luck!

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Graduate / Personal Statement for Development Studies/ Glasgow University [2]

Being a business graduate, I started my career in banking sector but passion for working for people and making difference in society drove me in development sector.

.... I'd suggest you to present this with a more punch :D
Being a scholar of business, I began my career as a banker. However, my passion for being someone who would make a difference in the society towards its betterment, forced me to make a move to the development sector.

Now it's been five years in this sector and I am enjoying every second of it.

and I have been enjoying every second of it.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / Syracuse supp/ Who & what influenced?/ Dream person & Syracuse / Work experience [6]

The ones who influence me to apply to college, in general, are my parents.

.... This sounds like a direct answer, but it lacks creativeness. You need to have your application standing out the other applications :D... Let's try to improve its presentation;

The ones who influence me to apply to college, in general, are my parents. They make me see how life is hard when you don't have an education to back you up. Wanting me to be different, they help me pursue my dreams to go to college.

My parents have always played a strong role in my academic dreams guiding me in the right path and backing me endlessly. Syracuse is their first choice for me where they think I'd find the right fit. .... I guess this sentence is enough to show them that your parents influenced you to apply to Syracuse

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / First day of school ; Topic of my choice-500 words [5]

Well.... I didn't mean you should take it off completely, but to change some parts. :)
For example;

Every year when leaves fall in the streets and silver clouds wander about the sky, .

.... take the main point here and skim the line;
Every year when Autumn approaches ...
Also;

How could I ever forget those feelings blossoming in my heart like fresh flower petals smiling in the transparent sky?

you can leave out the highlighted part. They sound poetic but doesn't add much factual meaning your answer. Sometimes they sound as if you are exaggerating.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Advertisements encourages to buy unwanted things? [6]

Undoubtedly, in this competitive world, advertisement plays an important role in the buying nature of the consumers.

.... good opening : )

The vital function of the advertisements is to inform the costumer about the entry of a new product, the manufacture, content, price or a service.

... advertisements not only inform about the new products; they keep reminding us about the existing products too! :D

On the other hand, advertisements not only inform us about a new product but also force people to want them.

On the other hand, advertisements tempt people to buy new things.

It guides people

... it guides/ they guide

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / Reading - Common App; extracurricular activity [4]

exploring the world through the ink on pages of papyrus.

.... I feel it's better you give more emphasis on to the contents of the book rather than the ink ;
exploring the world through paragraphs, chapters and volumes.

And most importantly I like to read the works of my contemporariesincluding my family and friends.

And most importantly I love to read the works of my contemporaries including the works of my family and my friends.

Interesting answer... Wish you good luck with your application!

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Friendship is more important than mistake by a friend, although mistake is terrible. [3]

Very good introduction. It is well presented. I wish if you had not included the following line as it does not seem adding any value to your essay. Your examiner anyway expects you to present your reasons with examples;

In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my opinion.

.... without this it reads even better :)

. Anybody does not remember mistakes.

... Why not you make this sound a more general condition;
Generally, people tend to forget others' mistakes soon.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / University of illinois/ Impact of past experiences [2]

I spent most of my childhood tending to my plants and pets while other four year old girls played with their Barbies.

As a child of four years, my time was mostly spent on nurturing my plants and pets while the other girls of my age played with their Barbies.

Being the only child, I had to remember to complete all of my chores or they would be left undone.

This fails to set up a clear link with the previous sentence. There's something missing :(

When I got a little older, my hens started laying eggs and to avoid throwing them away, I sold the eggs to my neighbors and saved up the money.

avoid throwing them away?I feel you better not include this part.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / Children are very sensitive about what they see or hear from their friends [5]

Albeit some people think that teachers have the most important role in ~~affecting~~influencing students

..." influencing" is more appropriate.

I personally believe that human beings in their childish period of their life are very sensitive about what they see or hear from their friends.

...the appropriate word is "childhood".
Also what is your opinion? do you agree with the statement or disagree with it? ... Your opinion is not very clearly expressed :(
You need to pay more attention to the sentence structure. Read good essays that you find in this forum. They would be really helpful : )

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / Immigrants should abandon their own ways and adapt to local customs? [6]

Very good introduction; good structure/ excellent vocabulary/ awesome presentation :)

First, it is obvious that society would not function properly if newcomers did not obey the laws.

... strong point :)

I once again restate

I once again reinstate :)

Nice Job! I have nothing to point out for further improvement.... You would certainly have a real good score.
Why not join us and help other people too? I wish if you would become a contributor :)

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Essay] Serveral langages die out every year, Is it not important? AD [5]

Some people think that is not important because life will become easier and ~~efficiency~~efficient if people no need to spend their limited time to learn and understanding other languages.

Some people believe that it is not important to protect all dying languages because the life would be easier and more efficient if we have a few languages to communicate.

Good Introduction!

The main reason that we should protect the languages whichis are dying out every year is the language brings its own culture.

.... Good point .... language is dying/ languages are dying
The main reason why we should make efforts to keep languages alive is that language is the base for one's cultural authenticity. The culture would not exist without the language.

There are lots of old songs in Cantonese about the traditional events which can bring people think of our culture once hear the songs.

There are many traditional songs in Cantonese that vividly describe the authentic feature of our culture.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) ageing population: impacts on society. [5]

has more adverse effect

has more adverse effects

To begin with, graying population can be detrimental to the society as a whole, with its impacts on health care, labor market, economic productivity and on taxation.

strong point :)

The economy may be less productive and the government may bring foreign workers.

.... economy less productive? I guess it is not the economy, but the workforce!
The workforce would be less productive that would have a negative impact on country's economy. This scenario would compel the government to seek for foreign labor and services.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Graduate / Inorganic Chemistry focused Personal statement/ PHD Program [2]

Yes, I feel you need to talk a little about yourself; talk about how your passion for chemistry developed, what influenced you pursuing your major, your background... :)

I came to my university knowing that I wanted to pursue a doctorate in chemistry, however I was unsure of what specialty I wished to pursue.

I entered the university knowing that I would end up pursuing a doctorate in Chemistry though I was not sure of the field that I would want to specialize.

I wanted to then move to a post doctorate position, finally becoming a researching professor in my field

.... I think all these descriptions are not really necessary.

I have grown a strong set of basic skills at my university and wish to learn and grow throughout my graduate career and well beyond.

I developed a many skills during my undergraduate and graduate studies.

I think you need to improve the presentation of your PS. Start with some experience that reflects how your passion developed. Then talk about how you pursued your passion. Talk about your research experience. Then tell them what your future goals are. Don't be too descriptive when telling just one idea. :)

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS:The best extra-curriculum activity, sports, community activities or traveling? [5]

The extra-curriculum activity is a regular part of students' life, which can prevent teenagers from falling into criminal or undesirable activities such as teenage-sex or drug-taking.

Here you can say they not only help student to stay away from undesirable activities but alson help them develop many valuable life skills such as team work, leadership skills etc. I guess you can leave out the part I highlighted.

While I accept that students have profited from community activities or travelling, I believe that taking part in a sports team is the best way for students.

Excellent! It had come very nicely! :)

On~~the~~ one hand

Good job again :)

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Technology: taking control our lives or positive developements [3]

In the modern era, the topic of ~~technology~~technological influence is controversial.

influence of technology / technological influence

Good introduction!

There are a few powerful rationales which support the belief that technology is becoming a threat for human.

Strong sentence!

I can see there are ~~merits~~valid reasons which support both sides of this debate

You have done a good job. Good essay structure and excellent vocabulary. You can go for a real good score!
Good Luck!

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / First day of school ; Topic of my choice-500 words [5]

Every year when leaves fall in the streets and silver clouds wander about the sky, my heart is in an eager bustle for puzzling memories of the first day of school.
How could I ever forget those feelings blossoming in my heart like fresh flower petals smiling in the transparent sky?
In that morning of cold wind and autumn dew, my mother lovingly held my hand on the long walk to school.

If you want to cut down words, take of some of the detailed descriptions here. You have written it in a more poetic manner and I dont want to mess it up. I feel you are the best person to do it : )

However, I feel you can remove some of the extra words here :)

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / Toefl:Should children grow up in coutryside or in a city? [4]

Totally the place where a child grows up has the most influence on the child's future.

The place where a child grows up has a great influence on his future.

Some believe that how far their child be from advanced places like countryside, more fresh their child will grow up.

Some believe that countryside is the best for bringing up children. Others believe that the city offers the best facilities for their growth. In my view, I support the idea that city is the best place for children to grow up.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / Toefl: A good neighbor should be honest, cooperative and considerate! [4]

Generally apart from where we are living, we have neighbors around us.

This is a weak sentence. It does not deliver a logical idea. : (

Each person according to the own characteristic divide neighbors to different categories, which one would be " The good neighbor".I believe that good neighbor should be honest, have the feeling of cooperation and be considerate.

Each person has his or her own definition for a "good neighbor". However, I believe that a good neighbor is someone who is honest, co-operative and considerate.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / Lehigh University Supp/ Common App/ Unique aspect of Lehigh? [3]

offers there students full potential for their education

This sounds very abrupt :(
You need to explain how Lehigh would allow students to use their full potential for academics. Talk about its specific features and how those are going to help your academic interests.

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Undergraduate / Standing up to a bully ; My Common Application 500 word essay [5]

You've written a good essay :)

I think you need to talk more about how this experience really affected you...how it made you a better person. Elaborate more on what the fight taught you and how you can apply it in your future.

This is a very good comment by Elizabeth. I too believe you should talk a little bit about how this experience built your confidence to stand against unjust, improved your self esteem etc.

Your essay is too long!

.... I noticed that he's within the limit :)

dumi

Dec 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Staying with a host family is better than staying with friends [10]

I'm sorry for making you annoye

Not at all... :D
We only wanted to help you improve :)
The expected structure should at least contain 4 paras with introduction, body paras and conclusion. Introduction should introduce your topic to the reader and state your opinion. Body paras should contain one reason why hold that opinion and a candid example for that reason. Then you should sum up everything what you said in your conclusion and re-instate your opinion.

I can see that you write very well. Post your essays here and get real good feedback from our members :)

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Undergraduate / MIT essay // Most significant challenge // Father's alcoholism [14]

By the way, I have five other essays that fill in some of the gaps in my story, but I'm hesitant to post them all for fear of being copied.

If you are scared of having your essay being copied and still wish to have others' comments on it, what you can do is have it deleted soon after recieving a few comments. For that you need to earn 4 likes and they usually come to you with good feedbacks you provide on others' essays. Also you can make a request to us to close your thread even before you delete it so that it does not appear on the home page.

:)

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Undergraduate / Art & Science ; FIT ADMISSION/ perfect candidate/ major [3]

I'm good for science

I'm good at science

I started planning my future thinking that biology or chemical engineer were the best options for me.

I started planning my future thinking that biology or chemical engineering would be the best options for me.

But then I realized that art and design are a life style and that's exactly what I want to do.

I think it is better if you say why you think art and design are a life style.... it sounds a bit vague

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Cash and coins will be replaced by credit cards in the future.Positive/Negative [3]

Hi Colin,
This time I avoid your introduction ;)

Firstly, the rate of personal bankruptcy will be on the rise.

Excellent!.... You have very good points and you present them very effectively :)
However, while you discuss many negatives of credit card usage(reasons), you do not provide specific examples to support them. For this task you would earn marks for your examples. Therefore, my suggestion is to limit your reasons, preferably one reason per para and give a solid specific example for that. For example, you say;

Firstly, the rate of personal bankruptcy will be on the rise.

then, expand on this by giving a some specific example;
For example, most of the time I come to know about my lavish spending, which puts me in trouble very often, only when I get the credit card statement to my hand. Had I paid those bills with cash without using the credit card, it would have prevented me from the temptation for buying things that goes over my budget.

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS:To increase economic growth, government can neglect environmental concerns? [6]

How do you feel about my conclusion.

You always write well. So does your conclusion. Since this is an exam that has a great bearing on time, even this conclusion is sufficient. However, if you have a little more time you can expand it a little bit more to include a summation of what you said above. For example;

In conclusion, I strongly disagree that government should not pay attention to environmental issues simply because they need to concentrate on development of the country which is also an important aspect.If they ignore theecological balance, there would be disastrous consequences such as harsh weather conditions, extinction of species etc., that would pose a severe threat on the survival of our earth . Therefore, the authorities should neither neglect the importance of ecological balance, nor should they ignore the responsibility of the development.

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Staying with a host family is better than staying with friends [10]

Hi uew37;
It's really difficult to understand your paragraphs and it is a bit of an issue. You need to clearly separated paragraphs that include Introduction, Body paras and the Conclusion. When your essay looks messy, the examiner gets distracted and be less impressed. So do your marks :D

Have a look at the TOEFL essays posted on this site and get an idea about the essay structure. I can see you write well and get the fullest advantage of your skill :)

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Young people today are more likely to help others than young people in the past [4]

While some people argue that youngsters in the past are happy to help others, I believe that the new generation ~~are~~is more willing to offer help than the one before it, for the promotion of first-aid knowledge, advance of technology, evolution of social media and the expansion in volunteer programmes.

Your introduction contains good points; follows the right structure for this task. However, I feel the above sentence is too long and therefore it makes the reader to put effort to remember things. That is not good : (

You should take the part I have highlighted into another sentence. That helps arrange a beautiful flow of your ideas :)
generation is/ generations are

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Undergraduate / I have always loved the arts and sciences; How Duke attracts you? [9]

Hi,
I think the following is a better point to start your answer(the part in bold);

My parents nurtured my interests by exposing me to certain resources, such as the l'Ouvre Museum in France and the Vatican Museum in Rome.I have never been more amazed by the beauty and grandeur of such establishments.

Begin your essay with your experience; tell them how amazed you were with their spectacular presentations1
You need to start your essay with a punch! They, the admission panel, must remember your application amidst hundreds of others. : )

dumi

Dec 20, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS:To increase economic growth, government can neglect environmental concerns? [6]

Good Introduction :)

People ~~have~~cause devastating effects on the ecosystem ~~when~~in their attempts to increase productivity and boost the economy.

------------- you need these changes to align your opening statement with the prompt.

Firstly, ecological degradation caused by human activities will pose a threat to our planet, if without proper regulation.

.... first part of this flows beautifully. However, the highlighted part is a bit confusing :(
First, ecological degradation caused by human activities will pose a great threat to our planet if there is no porper regulation to control such activities.

dumi

Dec 19, 2012

Undergraduate / Family/ Shool ; MIT essay-My world shaping my aspirations; [5]

Hi ssaxena,

In the evening when my parents returned from office,Ithey used to take ~~them~~me to McDonald to buy me a 'Happy Meal' for the small toy that came free with it.

... I guess you want to tell that your parents took you McDonald and bought you a Happy Meal :)

For this child, every thing was as easy to achieve as those small electric toys.

I guess you can present this idea better, keeping a better alignment with your previous sentences. : ) ....
The world I grew up made me believe that everything could be achieved easily, just the way I managed to have all those toys into my possession.

dumi

Dec 19, 2012

Undergraduate / My army stint as a specialist; SMU Admission/ Achievement Essay [2]

Hi,

To me, the most important achievement will be my army stint as a specialist.

....I feel you can even do away with this line and start with the second line. The reason is you well explain why you consider this as your best achievement throughout the essay : )

And then, there were some who were significantly older than me.

I think this line should come soon after;

They came from different backgrounds; some with basic qualifications and some were from top colleges.

How do I communicate effectively with everyone when they are so diverse?

How do I communicate effectively with everyone when they are so diverse?

dumi

Dec 19, 2012

Writing Feedback / It is easier to maintain good health than in the past [4]

As the advancing development of society,substantial meets people's basic needs.

This is a confusing line... It does not seem to be delivering what you intend to deliver :(
In today's dvanced society, meeting the basic needs of people is not as difficult as int the past.

People possess more time and money to be concern about themselves.

If your prompt ask for your opinion, then it is better if you state it clearly in the introduction itself. :)

dumi

Dec 19, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Guns should be better controlled or even banned [7]

Advocates who maintain gun ownership is a civil right hold on the belief that firearms play an essential role in self-defence

.... there are no commas. My suggestion;
Those who advocate that gun ownership is a civil right, hold the opinion that firearms paly an essential role in self-defence

rights to keep and bear arms are guaranteed by national constitution

.... generally rights are protected; ....right to keep weapons in possession is protected by the national constitution

crime occurs

crime is committed.

with a gun at hand

....with a gun in hand
You have written a good essay; great ideas and good vocabulary! :)

dumi

Dec 19, 2012

Undergraduate / Broadening Horizons; Liberal arts/ Skills and competencies [5]

Hi AryanK,
I'm here :D

liberal arts back ground

... background is one word : )

The diversity, broadness and the application of liberal arts education to real life are the major attraction for opting to study liberal arts at my college level. I am excited about the fact I will study different courses which will contribute to my development as a professional, individual and a responsible citizen.

I think you have not adequately told about why you believe liberal arts would help develop you to be a professional, individual and a responsible citizen. It sounds too general; tell them how it would improve your professionalism; help you grow as a person and become more responsible. Have yourself in the centre! :)