Posts by dumi - page 141

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

Hi pete;

dumi, what exactly do you mean? It seems like you're presenting a good idea, but I don't understand what you want me to do.

Sorry about not giving you a comprehensible comment : ( .... :D

What first attracted me to Lehigh was the prestige associated with its name around my school. Every year as graduation would creep closer and closer, the college destinations of all the seniors would slowly become common knowledge among the underclassmen. One name that seemed to come up often was Lehigh, which makes sense considering its propinquity to my high school.

This is what I suggested;
Every year as graduation would reach closer and closer, the college destinations of all the seniors would be the common topic among the underclassmen. There is one name that seemed to come up quite often and that was "Lehigh". Yes, this is how I got first acquainted with Lehigh and the prestige associated with this name around my school drew my attention to it very seriously.

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Writing Feedback / the compare and contrast between A and B Ice Cream [2]

there are a lot of competitions among ice cream companies.

... there is a lot of competition among ice cream companies

They always want to create different ice cream so that many consumers are interested in their product.

They try to differentiate their product by introducing new ice cream flavors that would attract consumers.

. Besides that the corporations also to make their product of ice cream become a popular ice cream in X.

This sentence tends to confuse the reader.... I cannot understand what you are trying to say :(
I think you need to re-do the first para.... It becoming more and more confusing as you proceed... I can help you with this one, if you explain what you are trying to mean by that : )

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Discuss why you want to study engineering and why DUKE? - DUKE supplement [3]

While our tap water is clean, for more than a billion people in the world this is not the case.

While our tap water is clean, it may not be so for more than a billion people living in other parts of this planet.

During my recent trip to Nicaragua with mythe Global Glimpse delegation,

There are too many "my"s .... :D

I will be able to contribute to the benefit of the society at the local, national, and global levels.

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Research Papers / Losing Creativity or Becoming Technologically Advanced: A Research Proposal [3]

Although this is the technological era, parents and/or guardians, schools, and the government are not seeing what kind of effect that technology has on the children of the younger generations.

There is something confusing here : (
Although it is true that we live in an era of technology, it seems that adults have no clue about the degree of negate influence that it can have on younger generations.

As children are being exposed at ~~earlier ages~~early age , psychologists are ~~picking up~~diognosing trends of several different types of disorders in children, the most common disorders being found are: Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, and Addiction just to name a few

Again this is somewhat confusing....
The psychologists have diagnosed new trends of several types of mental disorders in children such as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder and Addiction as a result of childrens' excessive addiction to hi tech devices.

children now tend to ~~watch~~spendan excessive ~~amount~~hours in front of television

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Essays / Trying to write an introduction and conclusion paragraph [6]

Although both can provide a good quality education to ~~its~~their students, there are many differences between home school and public school.

Well.... in the introduction, you introduce the two concepts; a basic outline of what they are. Then briefly highlight their differing characteristics that you are going to discuss one by one in the forthcoming body paras.

Have you identified their positives and negatives seperately?
You can sum up everything with a note to highlight these positives and negatives of each system in your conclusion :)

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / My physics teacher, the person who made an impact on me; UT Austin essay [4]

Really there were only two things that he did right as my teacher to push me into taking my education into my own hands.

Threre are too many "my's :D
There were two things that he did right to make me accountable for my own education.

The first thing was the conduct of his lessons which easily provided me with knowledge.

conduct? or the way he presented the lecture? ... I guess its the later one : )

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / I represented my school at Physics Olympiad- university entrance essay [3]

Some days before this year's Science Olympiad, my teacher told me that I'll be sent as my school's representative for this year's Physics Olympiad.

You should improve the presentation of this idea... It's your opening statement : )
I was shocked, yet thrilled when my teacher informed me that I've been selected to represent my school at this year's Physics Olympiard.

Totally unprepared for the olympiad, I began my study ~~about~~on the related topic as soon as possible. I came to my physics teacher to study but instead of teaching me, she gave me some exam samples and asked me to study on my own. Left with no other option, I studied individually. I used every single sources I could use, start from books and modules from my school's library, to test questions and any other sources from google.

Totally unprepared, I had no clue about how to get a start to prepare myself for this challenging task. I turned to my physics teacher for help, but she landed me with loads of exam samples and asked me to study them on my own. Having no direction or guidence from anybody, I felt as if I was lost in a middle of a desert. However, my confidence and determination didn't leave me; I studied every piece of paper on physics that I could set my eyes on; I screened through the shelves of the school library ; I spent hours on googling possible topics.

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / 'assistant teacher for SAT Math voluneering' - UT Austin Topic B: issue of importance [3]

I always feel ambivalent about my Saturdays. I resent it because I have to wake up early, even on a weekend, but always look forward to it because of what that day holds for me

Great start.... Very interesting :)

and fell in love with the whole program on day one.

... on the day one itself.

In their minds, there were no such things as language barriers, for all they needed ~~in order~~ to convey their messages was body language and pictures.

my parents began to hint that it would be beneficial for both me and the program if I switched into SAT Math.

why you bring in parents here? ... I think you need not to be so very descriptive...Also, isn't there any word count limit for this?

Seems pretty long : )

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

What first attracted me to Lehigh was the prestige associated with its name around my school. Every year as graduation would creep closer and closer, the college destinations of all the seniors would slowly become common knowledge among the underclassmen. One name that seemed to come up often was Lehigh

Why not reverse the organization of these ideas? ... I mean, you can start with saying; "One name comes up often when ..."
Then you can say that you are mostly attracted towards its prestigeous reputation.
Try to present every idea having you in the middle because they only want to judge you and what you think : )

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Writing Feedback / Group Essay - "Warning! Teen Dating Hurts!" [7]

Where are those paragraphs?
You need to do a draft and post it here.... Then others would be able to provide their comments and feedback with more ideas for you ot improve on.

However, it is you who need to get the start! : )

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Choose an issue of importance to you; Stray cats [5]

However, you need to show its significance to you, family, community or generation in particualr... If it is an issue that has nothing much to do with any of the above and just a sentimental issue that strikes your attention, then leave it out... You need to have some substance to answer the prompt !

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Additional information essay-special life circumstances - Tsunami [3]

Okkkkkkkk.... this is my little help for you;

However, most of them have taught me the real meaning of many things that were once abstract to me, for instance a panic attack.

------------ I suggest you to remove the example from this sentence.... You are going to talk about it in the next para. Here's my suggestion;

However, most of them left me with a clear understanding of many things that were once only abstract ideas for me.

My father was sailing those troubled waters(no comma) on that day, while at home normal routine continued and I prepared for my final board exams of class ~~10th~~10 .

Here the plural form of water is fine... Its a phrase ; troubled waters : ) ...and here it gives a more poetic mood : )
You also say - Still waters run deep :)

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / HAPPY TO BE HERE. Common app essay; topic of my choice [5]

It's good if you posted the prompt so that others could give you more relevant feedbacks.

there are times when you have to pay it ~~off~~ with sacrifices and compromises.

"pay it off" changes the mood of your idea... I guess what you mean is "pay with" : )

He used to take short trips here at home but go back again for longer time. This sure did make living apart an uncomfortable task but he had to do what he had to do in order to support himself and his family(that would be us here) and the same time complete his studies.

----------- I think you need to improve the presentation of this idea;
He used to visit whenever there was an opportunity, but these visits were limited to short stays. My father was challenged with hard tasks simultaneously; homesick, providing for the family as well as himself and managing his studies put him under severe stress.

dumi

Dec 7, 2012

Graduate / Need perfection with this--Raising Student Achievement [2]

Based on my experiences as a student and a peer in high-need classrooms, the greatest obstacle I expect to encounter as I raise student achievement in a high-need school would be overcoming disengagement due to lack of a personalized lesson plan.

This sentence seems to be a bit too long.... longer the sentence, the more it get the reader to remember details... that's not very appealing for the reader : )

Better rephrase this one!

Observing an attitude of presumed failure in my brother's educational experiences and recollecting my own disenchantment due to the absence of challenge, portrays commonalities contributing to the achievement gap.

Again.... this a bit confusing... I think you need to attend to it!

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / Choose an issue of importance to you; Stray cats [5]

hi yueshiqi,

I want to write about the stray cats because in China there is only few animal shelters.

Fine.... but make sure that;

write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Think about the significance of this issue to you personally or to your family, community or generation... If you have enough reasons to answer this part of the prompt, then you should go ahead and write without listening to the others. What is most important is that you have enough facts, that are strong facts as well, for addressing this prompt :)

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / I was a DJ in the school broadcasting station/ Common App; Extracurricular Activity [3]

I was a DJ in the school broadcasting station hosting the programme about the new discoveries in science and technology field.The lunch hour when I shared the latest discoveries with the whole school was really an exciting moment

I guess you can combine these two ideas and come up with a more catchy opening statement ; )
I remember the exciting lunch hours during which I shared latest discoveries in science and technology with the whole school as a DJ in the school broadcasting station.

Moreover,I broadcast in many school activities such as the school sport meeting and the swimming games.As an officer of the school broadcasting station,I also participatezd in organizing the school singing contest

My programmes also were extended to cover sports events. I also took a lead role in organizing the school singing contest which was organized by the shcool broadcasting station.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Why do you believe you will be an effective teacher in a high-need school? [3]

Hi Abby5,

blushed; it was like reading a love letter for the first time. "It was a pleasure having you in my class and you will continue to grow into a success in whatever career you choose." The yearbook inscription written by my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Susie, stunned me. My heart raced: would I be a teacher, a scientist, a businesswoman? I smiled thinking of all the possibilities.

.... Great start :)

By my high school graduation, I had attended eleven schools, and I later graduated from the University of California, Berkeley.

This happened after you graduated from high school? I guess you can present the first section better :)

Provoked in social theory courses, I desired to deepen my understanding of social disparity and expand my view of culture.

... Strong point!

Reflection on my experiences and those of children in a developing nation revealed that the ill effects of poverty ~~is broken~~can be wiped off through education.

Overall it's a good essay! :)

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / Penn "Engage Academically"- Engineering (Computer Science) [10]

Penn's School of Engineering and Applied Sciences provides students with an educational experience that reaches beyond the walls of the classroom.

This is how you start your answer.... But I wish if you give more prominance to yourself. Why not keep everthing rotating around you? Why not tell them what your academic aspirations are and how Penn would engage you to achieve them?

If I am you, I would start from that point, I mean what you intend to earn at Penn, and then come to Penn's capabilities that would be just the thing you've been longing ; )

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / This brings to me what I want to be - Syracuse University Essay [2]

It was an event I saw really far away so I never worried about it.

I felt it as a far away event so that I never worried or bothered about it.

I never really thought deeply about what I wanted to become. It was an event I saw really far away so I never worried about it. However, as my 18th birthday approaches I am starting to get more concerned about it. Now that I have to bring my life to some direction I realize it's such an important decision.
And this brings me to what I want to be.

Well... this part really seems irrelevant to your topic... You are asked to write about the person whom you dream of becoming and how the uni can help you achieve this dream... In fact what you have written above may sometimes work bad on you because it sort of reflects that you did not have any vision in life. My advice is to remove that part!

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Analysing argument estate agents GRE [3]

The homeowner who wrote this very biased letter to her friend is of the opinion that Adams Realty is superior over Fitch Realty because the former has more full-time agents, and its revenue last year was two times that of Fitch.

There are some grammar issues here and that disturbs conveying your idea to the reader;
The homeowner who wrote this seems to be very biased in conveying his/her opinion that Adams Realty is superior over Fitch Realty. The argument of this person is based on comparison of number of full time agents, last year revenue and the speed of sales of the two companies.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / 'putting my thoughts into a sketch' - extracurricular activities or work experience [3]

Although I am often am criticized

I see you are a gifted person with artistic skills.... However, you do not give them a strong impression about how this skill has helped you shine, stand out others or helped you grow as a person. It just stops at the level of your passion. I feel that you need to give them a message through this and it does not happen.

Give some consideration to this point :)

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / Effects of grandparents' cancer on academics, optional essay C [3]

Since my early days, my parents have worked all day - coming home late at night, with not much time or energy left to give me attention that I longed for.

During my childhood my parents barely had time for me because they worked late hours and by the time they returned home they were left with no energy to give the attention that I longed for.

My grandparents, however, filled that missing pieceby coming to our house almost every day.

... no need of detailing out too much :)
My grandparents, however, filled that missing part in my life, bestowing me with their endless love and affection.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / Inside the Mind of A Chessplayer - Common App EC description, need outside opinion [4]

Hi softie1995,

It's my turn. With less than two minutes on the clock, my heartbeat is louder than my thoughts. Time pressure makes me question the accuracy of my calculations. I've had similar positions, but never the exact same. No time-I make a move, press the clock, relying on my instinct and pattern recognition.

Awesome! ... Lovely opening :)

He shakes my hand, resigning. Contrary to popular belief, chess etiquette prevents him from playing until checkmate.

Very impressive :)

This is the first part of my extra curricular description. I already asked for some proof reads, but my chess playing friends said non players would not understand terms like initiative, pressure, instinct, pattern recognition etc. Or, at least not in the same way, or it would be too boring. I'd appreciate any input, I'm open to starting from scratch again. Thanks.

I'm a non chess player... so you can count on me ... I loved every line you wrote and comprehended them well while enjoying your reading!

Well done and Good Luck!

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The concept of only mothers raising their kids has become an old one [4]

The concept of only mothers raising their kids has become an old one.

Well.... this is a controversial statement... you would offend many fathers ...lol

there are certain things that only a mom can teach her kid whereas he learns a few skills exclusively from the father.

the highlighted part is not clear.... whom do you mean by he?

Your structure is pretty good and Pahan has fixed some grammar errors for you....
Overall, it is a simple essay that follows the right structure and eligible to earn good marks :D

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Life with Courage [4]

And those are the ones who tend to gain more than they know. Then there are the ones who are obsessed with courage and they are the ones who use it too much and end up losing all of it in the end.

I'm trying to figure out which side I'm going to fall .... :D

Those people use their courage way more than they should need ~~too~~to just by walking out their door but they have no choice.

Well ... this is not coming smoothly .... I feel you better re-phrase this one!

And our military; those people have more courage and bravery than any one person out there on the planet.

... this one too doesn't sound a strong argument, rather it sounds a bit biased :(

If the person that you look up too has courage the you'll have courage.

If your role model is courageous then you would be inspired to be more courageous.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / The Dickinson application for 2013 essay; 'I am defined by my mistakes' [3]

hello lovelies, if any pointers or notes can be given, it would be much appreciated xx

How to avoid your request when you call us lovelies ? ....hahaha ....lol :D

It is the countless errors and faults in my character that make me stand out. I am not perfect, I am not flawless but nonetheless I am better than both because I still try.

...... Here, why not you tell that you look at your mistakes in a positive way and make learn something meaningful to your life through them;

My suggestion;
It is the countless errors and faults that contribute me to stand out. Yes , I am neither perfect nor flawless, but nonetheless I strive to better myself through every lesson I learn from my mistakes.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The freedom of speech and thought' - Why Bard College? [3]

Your first para is dedicated to a description on Bard.... There's hardly anything to know about you in that. But, I guess that they are more interested in knowing why you select Bard for your studies. They know everything about Bard and may be not interested in listening someone to tell them about its history and other facts. So, you better have yourself in the center. If you admire its history and if it is a fact that aroused your interest in Bard, then you have to put it that way... I feel you need to be in the focal point :D

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Graduate / Personal Statement to Public health grad school (PhD). [5]

Lack of adequate healthcare resources placed a burden on the already stretched infrastructure, which significantly impacted the health and quality of life of members of the community.

Well.... I'm a bit confused about what you mean by the part I highlighted. Is it the healthcare infrastructure you mean or something else? I prefer if you improve its presentation so that anybody would understand.

At first, I thought it was just because the cities had more people and more money that was why their health was considered more worthy to physicians than rural dwellers.

My suggestion;
At first, I thought this was due to the reason that cities had more demand for healthcare needs as well as people who could afford healthcare services. ..... you already mentioned that physicians showed up rarely in the villages and therefore there is no need for repeating that fact.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Essays / "Injustice is the drink that stirs the soul of the defence" [5]

Can anyone help me out with a thesis?

You have to start with your thesis dear... Then we would help you for sure : )

I want to start off with: As a society, we understandably condemn the imprisonment of the innocent.

Bright idea to start off with :)

Do your first draft and post it here... There'll be many people to give feedbacks : )

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Essays / Cambodia, Aid Agencies and Corruption Research Essay Rough Draft [2]

~~With~~While 30% of population living below international poverty line of US$1.25 per day, these NGOs create a condescending image that reeks of European colonialism.
They already have to deal with corrupt government officials who siphon off aid funds from foreign governments and private associations~~, so~~so that their situation ~~don't~~doesn't deserve to be further exploited by expatriates wasting well-intentioned ~~donated currency.~~donations.

The large aid organizations headquartered in Phnom Penh appear to ~~have~~enjoy lavish lifestyles with ~~high salaries~~fat payrolls .

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / Italy has welcomed many tourists from America - how you could enrich AUR's community [2]

I am currently living in Australia as an Au Pair for a year, and I can honestly say it has already changed my life.

Isn't it better if you tell them how it changed your life? Is it positive or negative?
I suggest;
... it has already changed my personality by broadening my perspectives.

Travelling allows for one to ~~learn about~~explore new places, cultures and lifestyles~~, as well aslearn new things about themselves along the way.~~while giving a great opportunity to know himself better along with this experience.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / My Not-So Predetermined Destiny [2]

Of course, growing up in a third world country would typically contain stories of messed up childhoods that brought to pass nothing more than misfits, criminals, crazies, and the poor into adulthood.

-------- I dont get the point you try to mean by the highlighted part.
Anyways ...this is a good idea and let's try to improve its presentation further;
Of course growing up in a third world country, in many cases, would typically an experience of disturbed childhoods with many children becoming victims of prevailing socioeconomic issues.

This becomes even ~~scarcer~~worst when the child has been denied the opportunity of having both parents or none at all.

--- good point :)

Although very unlikely, it wasn't impossible

-------- this sentence is too much puzzling .... don't give hard work to the reader; he doesn't like it :D ...Say it more simply : )

But when you're merely at t he age of three ~~years old~~ , this appears to be very impossible.

Thankfully my siblings and I weren't completely abandoned, we had my our wonderful grandmother. To me, she has been both father and mother since I can remember

.... a very strong statement :) Also since you talk about you and your siblings, keep everything in plural : )

My absent father on the other hand, was nothing more than a grumpy drunkard that would ~~come and go~~appear and disappear as he pleased.

Therefore leading to my conclusion of it being okay for a child to fear and even despise their father, simply because examples of this surrounded me.

------- this again does not convey your idea clearly.... better rephrase this one :)

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / Texas A&M Inspiration essay. 'When I was a child I remember living in a shed.' [3]

My name is Sharon Ochoa, and my mother is my inspiration. When I was a child I remember living in a shed. I remember building it with my family. I remember seeing most of my family under the influence of drug abuse, and most of all I remember my mother. I remember how she was the one to change all that, and turn our lives around. She went back to school, and got her GED. She had always talked about how she wanted to be a truck driver, and see the United States in her own eyes.

My name is Sharon Ochoa --------- They know your name , this part does not add much value to your answer
and my mother is my inspiration ----------- Let's say this more creatively ;
I remember my childhood days living in a shed. I still hold a vivid memory of how my family built it with our own hands and sweat. I still remember our struggles; some of my family members were under the influence of drugs. However, against all these odds, there stood my mom as a pillar to support everybody's hopes.

dumi

Dec 6, 2012

Faq, Help / Why are some people getting suspended? [44]

Well... you've been suspended for the reason of providing meaningless comments on others' threads... Anyway, your suspension is removed now and hope you provide more meaningful comments on other posts in future!

: )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / Face your fear! Be courageous! ; UBC supplementary [2]

Sad to say, I was one of those people; because I was a timid and extremely small child, I was deathly afraid of getting hit by anything.

What do you mean (small child) ? were you small in size or you had low self esteem?

I was ~~deathly~~deadly afraid of getting hit by anything.

Well... found the answer for my first question... :D.... you were tiny :D ... However, you better present it more clearly there because you had me wondered ;)

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home [5]

[

May I ask, what is the Prompt?

Yes... I guess it helps a lot for good feedbacks : )
So, I ~~get~~got home and I see my dad drinking like he always does

Minutes later pass and my dad tells my mom if the food was almost ready because he was hungry. My mom tells my dad well Im barely getting home from work. While Im doing my salad with tomatoes, lettuce, and pickles. Suddenly out of a sudden my dad starts telling me all this rude stuff and tries to make me feel bad which he actually does, but anyway the whole point of this is that he had kicked me out of the house and its not the first time he kicks me out.

I think you better maintain one tense, preferably past tense, throughout your essay... Otherwise it disturbs the flow... Seems an interesting story.... why not post us the prompt ?

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS; High Sales Vs Power of Advertising - Discuss [6]

Hi good attempt Mommmmo .... Hope I typed the right number of "m" s ....LOL :D

However, advertisments still mislead~~ing~~ customers in some level, especially those customers who can't make clear decisions. Business tricks and celebrity effects could easily manipulate their thoughts, just like overprice roses and chocolate during valuntine's day.

Pay attention to grammar;
advertisments mislead / advertisements are misleading

In conclusion, the development of advertising industry is still reasonable, customers by goods according personal standard and needs. However, mass media and related governmental department need oversee this blooming industry to make sure it on a right and healthy path.

You need to align your conclusion with the prompt, which speaks of sales reflecting the power of advertising and not the real needs of the customers. As it is your conclusion tries to discusses good and bad about advertising. Instead your focus should be moved to the impact of advertising on sales : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Scholarship / HSF:Describe a recent academic challenge you have faced. Explain how you overcame it. [6]

Hi amandaco,
You've done a good job. Here's some help for word count ;)

The greatest problem though, was that I needed to help my parents pay for my college education.

However, the greatest challenge was to ease off my parents' burden on my college fees.

At first, my thoughts were those of celebration but soon I became apprehensive. Was I ready for this?

I suggest;
At first, my thoughts were those of celebration but soon I became apprehensive; "Am I ready?"... I guess it is implied :)

After each quiz, the teacher ~~would~~ posted a list announcing who ~~had~~ earned the top three grades.

Since then, ~~I've come~~I came in first every time.

... Congratualtions ;)
You are a clever guy! Wish you luck with this schol ! : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / have had fall out on my grades through the semesters [2]

I have had fall out on my grades through the semesters which was due to tragic demise of my close friend in a road accident, which affected me to the core.

The tragic demise of my friend in a road accident affected me to the core. My grades kept falling through the semesters.

But slowly along with the support of my family I came out of it, bringing alongside into terms my friend's family. I have since then grown emotionally as a mature person.

bringing alongside into terms my friend's family? What do you mean by this? It's not very clear!
My suggestion;
My recovery from this traumatic experience was pretty slow but I did with the bakcing of my family. However, with this process I grew more emotionally matured.

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / "In your face, I did it!" ; naive to strong [3]

This woman, who I had known my whole life, became someone I couldn't recognize.

I like if you add more attachment and emotions to this;
My mom, the person I'd known all my life, became someone I couldn't recognize.

Her face showed fear and pain and soon enough, so did mine.

.... very impressive : )

Balancing cooking, cleaning, school and taking care of my mom became a very difficult daily routine.

Achieving a balance between cooking, cleaning, school and taking care of my mom became extremely challenging.

Emotionally, physically, and mentally, I was numb.

Very strong sentence!

You've done a good job! .... Also you really deserve this admission.... Good Luck!