Writing Feedback / "to have three years of studying a foreign language" - my toefl essay ! [4]

I was taught basic things about Arabic and English language when I was in high school.

I think you do not mean to say you taught. I think you are saying you were taught. That is why I changed it (above) by adding "was"

Somewhere in that first paragraph, tell us whether you agree with the statement that all students should have three years of studying a foreign language.

I know for getting many jobs knowing a foreign language is an advantage.
This is correct, but this is better:
I know that being fluent in a foreign language can make us more qualified for many jobs.

For instance, in Canada both French and English are official languages of the country. So, lea rning both languages in high school can make our resume stronger which helps our future job.--- This sentence is well-written! I just added a comma after "so"

:-) great job!

Learning a foreign language gives many opportunities to high school students, alth ough it can be very hard to learn. I have learned Arabic and English when I was in high school and this helps me so much for getting a job and studyin g aboard abroad.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Which is the most effective method to bring people to peace? [7]

Well, you explain very well, but add a conclusion sentence to paragraph 2:
This gradually ceased the hostility of Japan toward U.S.A, urged them to work together, which provided chance for culture exchange leading to lasting peace. This shows that warfare operates based on the principle of __________.

Next paragraph:
As the method provides promising results in war, it also does in business.

This sentence is a conclusion/transition:
This shows that warfare operates based on the principle of __________. ---- it connects the main idea of the paragraph with the main idea of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The best way to improve education is to raise teacher's salary. [4]

Not only can it lead a person walk to success, but also supply a gorgeous life this is not incorrect, just strange. Do this:
It can not only lead to success but also increase one's enjoyment of life. So people are more interested in improving education in recent years.

No one dislikes doing something what he is interested in.

Furthermore,an advanced equipment is an indispensable factor in improving education.---- good point, but teacher salary does not pay for the equipment.

:-)

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


Yes, another way to fix it would be like this:
However, there is one activity that I believe transcends limitations, and that is the ability to think.

And Debate in its simplest form is the art of thinking crit ically.

...the largest team in our school 's history is never forgotten.

The ending seems confusing... I suggest this: They would always know how to think, and I would always remember the experience of thinking with them.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]


After this, write a paragraph about what you have discovered in your research. Just add a few sentences before, "Recently, I became immersed in the development of sensors for detecting power cable deterioration. Although..." Keep this, but add some sentences before it. Add sentences about articles you have read. Also, if you have not read The Body Electric by Becker, I recommend it!

Oh, I know what to do! Add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It is a weak thesis to say, "I became engrossed in the study." It is better to give a sentence that tries to capture the meaningful lesson that is represented by your study. What did it amount to?

Whatever that is, you have to capture it in a thesis statement.

Then, write your topic sentences so that they express the truth of the thesis:

The thesis might be, "I discovered that the way energy changes forms but can never be created or destroyed has symbolic meaning that can make it like a lesson about the nature of human life."

If that was your thesis, you would write topic sentences based on it:
One of the challenges involved While modeling the electrical properties of the sensors, I gained the insight that these sensors and the human nervous system share a common underlying principle.

As of now, your thesis is simple. It is okay, but if you are trying to crank up the intensity go to your central message and make it something fascinating.

If your central message is, "I became enthralled with the study of electricity," that is not fascinating. Write a sentence about what you discovered!

Writing Feedback / How to write an argumentative essay about the advantages of recycling water? [2]


This part is boring and too obvious. Can you think of a clever way to start the essay? Something more meaningful and distinct.

Now we need to strengthen the argument. You wrote, "Once people realise that water supplies are limited and that they have a responsibility to conserve water, this task will be easier. (After this statement, I think you should write a paragraph about the consequences of using too much water and the benefits of conserving.)

The rest of the essay is very well written, but it is not arguing. It is giving an overview. Think of a specific argument you want to make, like "Why people should try to conserve water," and stick to the argument. If that is your argument, you should not write about methods for conserving water. Only argue about the importance of conserving water. Actually, though, you can keep the part about the methods for conserving water, but use them to show how easy it is to conserve water. Pretend you are arguing with someone who thinks it is not important to conserve water.

Undergraduate / "Swamp kitty," a.k.a. Cottontail - a college entrance application [7]


This phrase needs some work. It does not seem to makes sense. Can you say it in a way that does not involve 'acknowledgment?'

I think it would be good to do a paragraph break here:
in the wilderness of our backyard.
(new para)
The days following Cottontail's death caught...

Use " " marks to designate this:
"Seek new experiences." With that as my slogan , there is a world of (add a noun here) hidden out there, and I have a lifetime to discover it.

:-)

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

This experience made me realize that if I can compete national, can I do it international?--- this sentence needs to be carefully rewritten. It seems like a difficult one, but it is a very important sentence to write clearly.

Also, I think this needs an introduction paragraph added to the beginning. Write a paragraph that gives an overview of what the essay says. End the intro paragraph with a thesis sentence that states the MAIN TRUTH of the essay -- the message that you want the reader to remember:

I express my commitment to Egyptian public service in three ways: __________, ____________, and ____________.

Do you know what I mean? Give a clear thesis that the reader can hold onto and use in order to understand all other paragraphs. Give an intro that tells one clear sentence that is the main idea which is related to all other ideas.

Essays / compare and contrast essay about home school and public school - major topic [7]

You can find 2 excellent methods if you google: compare contrast essay alternating opposing

I think that might really help, because it gives an outline.

It is a bold move to homeschool your kid, because going to school with other kids is a profound experience. Yet, it is also traumatic and corrupting, so I understand why homeschooling is used. A parent who has very high standards might want to take care of something as important as education and not trust some strangers to do it.

Undergraduate / The recent sanctions at UoSC about football program [3]

I'd get rid of extremely
...is extremely nonsensical.

Maybe you should give a short sentence at the start to say what this refers to, even if it would be obvious to the reader. Just one sentence of introduction. Maybe that is not feasible, though.

Anyway, this is very good writing! It is such an interesting and bold style. It really conveys your anger. I don't know what the issue is that this refers to, but it is a good example of inspired writing. And you have some complex sentences that most people would write incorrectly, but you wrote them perfectly.

Undergraduate / 'Coming mom / Do not panic' - intellectually engaging exp. and letter to roomate [4]

Cool! Great use of "whopping." This essay sort of whops the reader, too, because it has some great words.

...crowd of ten people stood anxiously awaiting the opening of the doors to be opened by a bored looking security guard.

I think subconscious is not the right word, but I may be wrong! You be the one to decide what is right. I really am not sure... but here is my idea:

I found that I was fascinated with his portrayal of the human subconscious consciousness. For example, in paintings such as the La Persistance De La Mémoire and Metamorphosis of Narcissus Dali depicts dreamlike settings to emphasize space-time concepts and vanity. ----I added 'for example' because this makes it clear that you are substantiating your claim about your ability to appreciate his portrayal of consciousness.

These paintings greatly intrigue my mind. This is an example of a sentence an essay would be stronger without. It is like a weed in the garden of your essay.

Undergraduate / Common app personal essay--footprints in the sand [4]

Here is the most important part of the essay:
I learned that these memories those that are the most deeply imprinted beneath the surface level of the mind and that they have potential to enthrall and touch the lives of anyone who has the privilege to experience them. ---- argh! This is still too complicated! I don't understand the point you are making, and this is the thesis sentence. You need to revise it so that it is a short, clear sentence that the reader totally understands.

Revise that thesis so that the reader knows exactly what point you are making about sufferers of Alzheimer's.

I had never imagined such an exciting and dangerous past for a man now in an Alzheimer's home!-- excellent!!

I had walked into the nursing home expecting to glance at the clock every 2 minutes and force a smile as I volunteered among whom I had expected to be cranky old ladies and grumpy men--- Ha ha, I love it, great job. You write like Ursula LeGuin.

Undergraduate / Volunteering @ Baptist Medical experience that will affect your college experience [5]

I think it is better without the use of the word albeit. Just take that word out and see if you still like the sentence. Also:

I wasn't being paid for the work i did, but i made a conscious effort to remain committed to all that i was assigned, and it truly paid off.

The physical therapist, doctors, and nurses were always appreciative to the hard work that i gave and how often I was able to make their days run more smoothly.

Not only did volunteering at Baptist provide me with an opportunity to explore the vast areas of the medical field, but it also gave me that total access to a hands-on experience.

Use a spell checker program!! :-) Capitalize the word "I"

This previous summer, i was privileged to ...

Okay, this will be better if you tell it as a story. A narrative is a story. Tell about the scenes, the images, the sounds... Especially in the middle paragraph of this kind of essay, make it sound just like a story you are telling. Can you change it so that it is more like a story, with imagery and description, etc.?

Undergraduate / "as long as God is" experience in life that helped you define yourself as a person [4]

The first notion that comes to mind when...


In this part, I think it is better without "from"... it is alright to say "cannot escape the fact that..." Sorry, Honghee, I don't mean to undermine the idea!! :-)

I really like the passion of this essay and its energy. It really seems sincere and creative. Yet, it needs a good, clear thesis to anchor it. The central idea is unclear. You say several different things in the intro, but I want you to revise the last sentence of the intro paragraph to tell something like:

"The experience that has added the most definition to my personality is ________."
That will help the reader to know the main point, and all other description and reflection will support this central idea.

Graduate / working as a Games Programer - SOp for MSc [3]


So, this is what you say:
Now I want to go for a masters degree in designing games.

What is the name of the degree program you want? I mean, what is the program actually called?

I like Ershad's ideas, and I want to add one more:
Here is the way to start. Write a sentence that tells what kind of work you want to do during your work days when you are an experienced professional game designer.

Ten years from now, in the year 2020, you will be going to work and designing games. Write a few sentences about this vision... your PURPOSE.

When you write those sentences, post them here so we can correct the errors and make suggestions!

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'Digital life' -The 21st century has begun. What changes this new century will bring? [3]

Hi Vaishali, I am so impressed with your diligent practice of English writing!

I notice here that you were using human to mean humanity. I am a human, but humanity is a word that refers to all humans together.

Example: It will be a beautiful world which will find not only comfort for every human, but also will find the truth of life.

above, you can see the correct ways to use human and humanity.

I like this sentence!!!----> This century will bring adventure, peace and comfort for all creature.

Undergraduate / You must always face the curtain with a bow-Theatre and it's effect on me. [4]


Fluidity is not everything! The most important thing is to punch the reader in the stomach with your sentences.

Oh, ha ha, I see that your intro paragraph does indeed send a big haymaker. Nice!

I'll rework this part to add the "past perfect tense" because I think you are doing backstory now that occurred before that successful scene:

Walking to my eleventh grade intermediate theatre class for the first time, I had not known any of the other students, and I felt especially nervous. Our class...--- and I changed it so that it uses an action verb: felt

My idea for you: right at the very end, write a sentence about how this experience of empowerment will help you in your chosen field and during your time at this school. Make it a realistic sentence, not one with dramatic generalities like kids sometimes write. Add a sentence that tells about real skills and practices that you will need to have in college -- ones that require fearless uninhibitedness.

Is uninhibitedness even a word?!!

Writing Feedback / leader you think is important [9]

Ha ha... that is so funny. Actually, when I saw you spelling it that way, I thought that must be the correct way, and assumed I had been spelling it incorrectly. So, for 2 days I've been spelling my name with an L because I thought that must be the correct way... I am glad we cleared that up!

Thanks Ershad!

:-)

Undergraduate / Knowing oneself, is the beginning of all wisdom - the purest reflection of me in a mirror [9]

Everyone please make sure you do not post any material into essay forum if it is not your own original material. If anyone knows of an essay that is plagiarized, please link me to it so that I can remove it! :-)

On the other hand, sometimes essays can seem very similar even when they are not plagiarized, especially if they cover topics that are commonly written about.

Writing Feedback / "Love is a universal constant" - Essay About Love in Literature [7]


This is great. I think it helps writers a lot when readers tell their impression about the message of the essay.

Writing Feedback / toefl--athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as libraries [11]

Good luck on the test!

Ha ha, I don't want to add to your list of things to do. I get curious sometimes, though, about how easy it is to use the corrections people make for you here. I think learning a new language must be very confusing as you try to figure out why the rules of grammar are the way they are.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: High sales reflect Power of Advertising and not the Real Need [4]

Google this: how to write a concession paragraph.

I usually call it "refuting the counterargument." You probably already know what needs to be done. Just think of what someone would give as a reason if they disagreed with you. If I told you I disagreed with your argument, you could probably take a guess and know what my concern was.

So, start with a topic sentence that tells the argument of people who oppose your idea. Then, give a sentence to tell why your idea is still more appropriate and correct. This makes your argument much stronger.

It's hard to find mistakes in your writing! Here is an idea:
I tend to agree with this view.---- Add some words to this sentence to tell the MAIN REASONS you agree.

Although the power of advertising may be overrated, we can not deny that the final decision is on the hands of us consumers.

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

I think whether or not to revise depends on inspiration. Invest a moment of inspiration next time you catch one, and your inspiration will give you some sentences. Use those sentences with sentences from the other essay, or use them with other good ones.

And about the topic, same thing: Choose whether to to keep the topic the same or change it -- and choose based on your creative inclination. :-)

It's not a matter of being lazy or being diligent. It's just about catching that wave of inspiration when it comes (usually in the morning).

Undergraduate / Drama Code Geass for short answer of Common App, feel free to comment [3]

I don't speak any languages besides English, so I am curious about how you practice. Is it easy for you to use the changes made by Frezard, or are they hard to understand? I wonder if you have any questions.

Also, here is one more change:
As the assistant director, I had so much work to do...

Undergraduate / "I am determined that I can make a difference" - 2010 UCF ESSAY [4]


I don't think this unsubstantiated assertion is a good way to begin. It is too general and vague.

Throughout high school I have always tried my hardest, taking part in several leadership positions, and most importantly I have helped out in the community.

Okay, the problem with this essay is that it is too self-aggrandizing. Yet, it is hard not to be that way in this kind of essay where you have to present yourself in a positive light. Still, I think you should focus on your FIELD OF INTEREST and talk about your determination, diligence, and leadership as qualities that come from your passion for this field of interest. Do you know what I mean?

In the first paragraph, tell the reader what is most important to you and what you want to accomplish in school. Then talk about your accomplishments as a way of showing how serious you are about this field of study. Do not just assert that you are so diligent and hard-working. Instead, humbly tell the reader what it is that makes you so motivated. If a certain subject or career goal is what drives you, talk about that.

Most importantly, end the first paragraph with a sentence that tells the reader a clear theme... something to make your essay easy to remember. :-)

Undergraduate / 'holding the title of alchemist, troubadour or even a shaman' - SAIC Artist Statement [6]


Yep, this is the only advice I know how to give, too. It depends on the school. :-)

Undergraduate / Purdue Essay - "Superwoman" [3]


I don't think this assertion is accurate. It makes it sound like leadership consists only of multitasking.

Taking on a leadership role means being an authority figure, a diplomat, a teacher, a student, a coach and superwoman all at once. --- ah, this is much better! Ha ha, I like it.

Okay, as I read the rest of it, I see that it lacks structure. When I was in high school I did not know what that meant, but now I do. It lacks structure if there is no clear theme. Your theme is that you must know yourself and do a lot of things to be a leader, but that is too obvious. I think you need to say something more distinct. For example, you can say something about a leader needing to play many different roles.

Try this: Rewrite the intro so that it says:
Leadership is the ability to multitask -- in every sense. This includes playing many different rolesd all at once.

Go on to talk about the various roles, and make the superwoman theme all about the ability to be many different people all at once. Give this essay a distinct theme, so that it does not seem like you are writing about every idea that comes to mind. Make it so that this is about one intriguing idea: Being a superwoman means being able to be many people all at once.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to peruse my passions and help others" - Peace Corp - Why join the Peace Corps [2]

Throughout life, doors of opportunities opportunity open and close, providing an infinite number of possibilities for one's journey. --- you did not make mistakes. This is just an idea I had for you.

I don't know if it is correct to say "I was instilled with." I would do this:
Growing up, I was instilled impressed with the idea that each person should leave the world better then they found it.

I have carried these this notion with me along my journey in life.

... charity drives for Alzheimer's and Pediatric AIDS, to cleaning up local parks. --- This is good.. and it makes me curious about your professional aspirations. Can you talk some more about what field you want to enter? I think that is relevant because of what it means about the PEace Coprs contribution you can make.

Right here, this is too general and it is something you already said: Joining the Peace Corps will be my opportunity to peruse my passions, while allowing me to use my skills to help others. --- I think you should write something here about your field of expertise/interest and how it related to the desire to help others.

You write very well!

Writing Feedback / leader you think is important [9]

Good question! I was not sure of the best way to make that correction. You could use "its" instead of her, but a common practice in English is to refer to a nation with a female pronoun. I am not sure why.

For example, someone might write, "America is impressive because of her natural beauty."
Or... The earth hopes that she can survive the destructive actions of human beings, and she hopes that all of her natural resources will not be depleted.

Please do not be distracted by this. It is no big deal. You do not have to use 'her.' You can do this:
India has a great history of leadership, and the nation's leaders played crucial roles in the Indian revolution.

Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [4]


Excellent! This is a great way to say it...

...betrayed my trust for mere popularity and criticized my white spots and mocked my accents. (Right here, I think you should add a thesis sentence. Add a sentence to the end of this first paragraph so that reader can share in the insight that will be the focus of the essay. Write your most powerful sentence at the end of this first para. :-)

I don't think this works:
All my life, I had been ingrained with the...
I think you cannot be ingrained with something, but I might be wrong. I would do this:
All my life, I had my family worked to instill in me ...

This is pretty great!! You have some excellent sentences... such as... Despite that disillusioning experience, I still maintain that friendship is not a petty trinket to be traded for superficial qualities.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Which is the most effective method to bring people to peace? [7]


I can give you advice, but if I give a mark I might confuse you. All marks are based on certain criteria, and any mark I gave you would be based on my own criteria, not the criteria of those who might give you a TOEFL or some other test like that.

So I will not give a mark, but I will give suggestions:

Although difference makes life variant, differences most commonly cause contrast, argument and even enmity. --- I hope I changed this sentence correctly. I think this is what you mean to say! Is it?

Yet it is not pragmatic and most effective to put away difference in order to bring about peace; instead, we should create common goals.

Establishing mutual pursuits helps people focus more on their same purpose rather than their differences and provides such opportunity for constructive argument, where they gradually understand others through working together.

For instance, in ancient times, when two adverse countries were all faced with common enemies, they would seek for consensus for peace and fight together to protect their own countries.------ good sentence!

Some may argue that was just temporary peace, yet it gave time for two countries to work together, understand other's values, and respect the other, which could provide the true, lasting peace. ----- wow, another good sentence. You are smart. Yes, we come together as friends when we have a common enemy or a common challenge to face.

As one saying: "Much of the vitality in a friendship lies in honouring of differences, not simply in the enjoyment of similarities", thus, there will be no true peace if both sides do not appreciate other's dissimilarities. ---- I am so impressed. You make mistakes, but you also have some sentences that are of very high quality. I hope you keep practicing a lot, because you have a talent for language. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Some may think that creating mutual goals just solely concerns similarities, but in fact, it greatly honors the differences. It gives us chance to work ...

Just through work do people develop their mind and just through work do we learn to understand others' differences like one saying of Confucius: "I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." Let the same goals lead us to the true peace and provide us potent power. Like the oceans, we are only large when we accumulate much from various sources to form one united entity.

:-) nice!!!!

Writing Feedback / "Learning is power" - toefl-why people go to colleges or universities? [4]

Maybe Susan changed the subject. We try to fill each subject with key words so that others can find the thread by searching EF, and that way your essay can benefit other learners.

I want to tell you that this is a weak thesis statement: "However, they want to go there for several specific reasons."
You have the right idea: it s good to tel the reader what you will discuss in the essay, but instead of giving a simple, meaningless sentence like this you should give a sentence that ASSERTS your MAIN IDEA.

However, they want to go there for several specific reasons. However, the main reasons people want to go there include expansion of knowledge and gaining self-reliance.

(above) I think this is a better thesis, because it tells the reader the point you are trying to make. If you had even more reasons to write about, you could use 3 or 4:

However, the main reasons people want to go there include expansion of knowledge, enjoying social situations, practicing self-discipline, and gaining self-reliance.

Writing Feedback / Favorite song - Kitto Mata Itsuka [4]

Hello, Boataaa, I see that Shin and Sara fixed the errors for you! Is your brother able to retype the essay and make the suggested changes?

For example, when you have written a complete sentence, use a period to separate it from the next sentence:
This song didn't have any lyrics. It's just only a melody that made from 2 guitars.
Also, "just" and "only" mean the same thing, so you should just use one of them and not both! :-)

When you write about a word, use " " marks:
Kitto Mata Itsuka is Japanese language. Kitto means "really," Mata means is, and Itsuka means "lonely" or "sad."
Above, I put the English words in " " quotation marks but not the Japanese words. There are no strict rules about this, but I think careful use of " " marks can make it clearer. I also added and .

:-)

Undergraduate / My "granddaddy" - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you [2]

Hi Derby, I want to make sure you can learn how to use the corrections to improve your writing. For example, this first one is very important:

I jumped off the bus bursting with excitement. It was the...
--- You need to end the sentence and start a new one instead of just using a comma.

Also, when you put the example at the end of the sentence, use a comma, like this:
to her grandfather, Robert Frost.
You could even explain a little more by adding some words, like this:
...to her grandfather -- the famous American poet, Robert Frost.

This is a great story! I noticed that at the end, you did not make a mistake by Eugene crossed out this part anyway:
something that I have wanted to study for my entire high school career. I think I know why it was crossed out. It seems like an extra, unnecessary phrase. It might be better to end the sentences with 'classics' and then add a sentence to tell about your long term goal -- about what you want to do to make good use of this education.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What do you want most in a friend -toefl feedback [3]

much and many
When you say many, you need to be talking about things that can be counted, like coins.
When you say much, you need to be talking about some substance that cannot be counted, like water, dirt, or misery.
So... do this:
...so much hardship and misery.

You have a lot of spelling errors, so use a spell checker! :-)

Friends who have a sense of humor are easy to get on well with. So it won't be hard to build a close and cheerful friendship with them. Humorous person also helps form a relaxing environment. Imagine, after a day's hard work, hanging out with a friend and ...

But a humorous person can bring a good mood to us which will alleviate our burden, release our pressure and...

So I think a humorous friend is the best kind of friend -- certainly the kind of friend I want.

Undergraduate / "our democracy", Common Application Essay - Responding to a quote [5]

When I refer to a word, I use " " marks:
When you hear the word "responsibility," what associations come to mind?
That is a very good sentence to hook the reader's attention!

I like this whole essay and see no errors. I like it that you tend to disagree with him and that you want to make it about "pleasure" rather than "responsibility."

Your discussion of a feeling of belonging made me think you might enjoy C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity.

Another thought I had was that the public interest includes many things. Therefore, conflicting interests can even be the public interest, and people's ideas of the public interest can conflict with each other. Therefore, it is a strange concept from the start!

Writing Feedback / GRE-is history relevant to our daily lives? [3]

Mickey, you give a great discussion here in this post. As for this part, I think the meaning is like this:

...inspiring us to continuously maintain our passion and hope.
That way, it expresses the idea that passion and hope are upheld continuously.

That introductory sentence is confusing...
People live in the present, and they care about the future.--- is this what you mean?

Research Papers / Technological Advances are good for people's jobs. Do you agree? [3]

Even before you google anything, you can give some ideas by just thinking about the question. Advances are good if they make jobs easier, but they are not good if they cause someone's position to be unnecessary. Advances are good for one's job if they make it more enjoyable (i.e. listen to ipod while working) but not if they just create more need to spend time in employee training to remain competitive.

So, you can make an excellent argument. For each point, write a sentence. For each of those sentences, add another sentence to give an example. Soon, each sentence will turn into a paragraph, and you will have one paragraph for each point. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence. In this way, it is easy to write a paragraph about any point you want to make.

Undergraduate / major in Special Education - University of Illinois Essay-Freshmen Admissions [3]

...because I know how it feels not knowing being to be lost in class while everyone else is steadily learning.

My youngest brother, John, knows this feeling too. My brother has learning disability that has inhibited limited him to the reading level of a third grade student.

This is just a suggestion to make the essay sleek and powerful:
Watching my brother struggle to learn how to read has made me want to help special needs kids with their educational goals.--- taking out extra words

I think you should take out some sentences that repeat the same idea you already mentioned, like these: I am thankful that I do not have a learning disability and have the ability to read. Yet, children like my brother are not as fortunate. However, I believe that with a teacher who cares, children can exceed no matter if they do or do not have a learning disability. Cut these sentences to make room to talk some more about your philosophy of education, your opinion about special education reform. Read a little about special ed. so you can comment on the issues. For example, google this: special education reform arguments

... the best Special Education Department in the country, which will allow me to achieve my professional goal of teaching kids with special needs.--- is it really the best? If so, that is a great reason to want to go to this school. Yet, I think you can describe a little more about what you plan to do during your time there. You can be much more specific about your philosophy of education and your ideas about learning disabilities.

Writing Feedback / Are people held back by doing things in the conventional way? SAT essay. Advice. [4]

You have a great way of writing. I think this is redundant when you say nor---either.
There isn't enough time to make all the mistakes ourselves, nor is there enough time to prove everything, either.
I think this would be good:
There isn't enough time to make all the mistakes ourselves, but there is not enough time to prove everything, either.

...software engineers 10 years ago could have said, "Okay , it works, so lets...

This needs a semi-colon or a conjunction:
On a more personal note not all people are the same; most can't even be said to be vaguely similar.
or
On a more personal note, not all people are the same, and most can't even be said to be vaguely similar.

Nice job!!