Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [2]

Ever since I learned to mouth "No," my parents infused me with academic diligence and excellence. --- I don't get it. What does 'no' have to do with these things?

... an idol who could exemplify my goals. During freshman year, I sought my parents' and friends' guidance, but I was...

...my dream of becoming a world-renown scientist.--- this will be better if instead of just saying scientist you specify what kind of science you want to be involved with.

Use italics:
...science magazines, such as Popular Science, and compete in various math competitions.

...overwhelmed by the difficulty of progressing toward my goals; many times, I succumbed to the temptation to dawdle with friends and, consequently, drifted away from my aspirations. --- good sentence!

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: GUN CONTRAL [5]

Hello Dong, do you see this important correction from Maria?
Instead of writing "Gun is not..." you have to write about "gun use."

Maria wrote:
Gun use, which is strictly controlled in most countries, is definitely not...

By doing this, she refers to a noun. The word "use" is usually a verb, but here she corrects your sentence by using it as a noun. The use of guns is called "gun use."

Do you understand that correction? Do you have questions about the other corrections? I want to know if you have any questions and if you can rewrite this essay to incorporate her corrections.

Here is another area to look at:
Thirdly, the possession of guns can also raise the rate of suicide. --- she changed rates to rate.

...and percent is one word.
In the US, firearms remain the most common method of suicide, accounting for about 50 percent .

Writing Feedback / leader you think is important [9]

India has a great history of leadership, and her leaders played crucial roles in the Indian revolution. Many leaders like Mahatma Gandhi, Jawallal Nehru, Shivaji Mahraj helped the country to protect form itself from outsiders.

Among all those leaders, a very important leader for me is Savitribai Poole. She is not much famous in the world, but she is definitely famous in...

The second reason, she was the first female teacher in the first female school.

She is not only educated herself, but also took part in teaching other women. In her period women were not allowed to go out and do any outside activities. They were treated as ma ids and depended on family.

The third reason is she took effort on removal of untouchable caste. She helped her husband in revolutionary efforts on behalf of untouchable people.

Nice!! Your writing still has errors, but you tackle very good subjects!! Keep practicing! :-)

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]

Yeah, these are very different questions, but they can be answered in the same way. Maybe what you are most passionate about is American law, so you will be going to law school. Maybe, though, what you are most passionate about is individual human rights, and that is why you want to study law. Or maybe you are passionate about language, and that is why you want to study law.

Maybe you are most passionate about selfless work and alleviating suffering in the world. If so, maybe you are interested in psychology, education, and medicine, but maybe you need to start by working toward a degree in education and then in the future you will take up other subjects. The important point is to show that you know where you are going and what you are doing.

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

It really varies according to the people involved. You could have a reader who values succinct communication, and that way you would make a good impression by writing it in < 500 words. You could have a reader who values the hard work it takes to write a longer one, and that way more would be better. However, if you write something that is truly inspired you will impress the reader no matter what! The reader can feel your inspiration and share in it while reading.

The best thing to do is give a call and ask this question to the admissions people at your top choice school.

Undergraduate / "That someone was me"; The American Dream [8]


Wow, it is so interesting to hear people say things like that. As someone who grew up in America, I am very interested in your perspective.

I was just going along with the winter clothing shopping, the images of were just playing in my mind like a silent movie.--- here, at the end of the first paragra, I am still wondering what the essay will really be about. Appreciation? Overcoming adversity?Cultural barriers? The field of expertise you want to enter? I think you should add a thesis statement to the end of paragraph one so that the reader will be able to pay attention to each part of your story without having to try to figure out what the MAIN THEME of the essay will be.

Finally the day that I was waiting for arrived. It was perhaps the most complicating complicated day of my life.

Keep the verb tense consistent, and it will sound nicer:
And here I am a person who did not even know what softball is was all about.

You should establish the theme in the first paragraph, talk more about it in the last paragraph, and find a place in the middle to tell us how that theme helps you to know what you want to study in college. :-)

Undergraduate / What are the achievements and experience that defined you as a person? (family) [5]

Well, one important grammar correction would be this:
Surely everyone had their "fair" share of experience in life, may it be...--- you need 'experience' as a singular noun so that you can write, "may it be," because with a plural noun you run into a number-agreement problem.

Here is an idea for a nicer style:
Basically I am the kind of person who I am today because of my grandmother who had raised me. And as I grew, more people influenced me like my nanny, my family, my friends, my teachers and other more. Here, I crossed out two parts that were not very helpful.

use a colon:
... what happened; plus, something good happened: I was able to spend my first whole year living with my mom.

Okay, first of all I want to say I love this essay. It tells your story beautifully and really reflects careful consideration as well as deep philosophical thought. I do not want to suggest too many changes, because I do not want to cause it to lose its vitality.

Yet, I do want to say you should focus some more on some specific experiences that define you. The challenge is to come up with a few key experiences that capture this. Therefore, name an experience that reflects your ability to practice appreciation, your insight about neglect that comes from hardship associated with your father, your knowledge of computers and other subjects that influence you.

Come up with an experience for each key aspect of your personality. :-)

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

I guess it is a matter of opinion. I tend to use short paragraphs, because I know modern people have short attention spans. But writing is art, so there are no rules.

Undergraduate / "help me bring a unique and distinctive perspective" Law School Personal Statement [8]

This paragraph is very good, as you probably already know.
I see a cliche, though! I am ready, willing, and able to accept the challenges...
simpler is better. :-)

And you said 'law school' too many times, so I'll cross it out here:
I am ready to accept the challenges that I will face during law school , and I look forward to forging a successful career, both as a student and as an attorney.

I like it!!

Writing Feedback / Topic: What is one great question that every well-educated person should ask? [6]

I think it is better this way:
for their contribution to societies.
for their contributions to society.

Good question!! How to implement my knowledge. That is better than what I would have said. It is very interesting!

The character Behrman of "The last leaf" does not..._ I think this should not be the 1st sentence of the paragraph. I think a topic sentence should come before it to introduce the main idea of the paragraph.

Use 'and'
Behrman, Mother Teresa, and Galileo are all ...
He might not contribute any big achievements to art like Leonardo De Vinci and Van Goghs, but he knew the best way to implement his knowledge to make better lives for other.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App: Sibling Class, Activity Short Answer [4]

At our local hospital, Sibling Class is a program ran run by teenagers to help little kids adjust to the arrival of a ...

Everything about this is good! I think it is a great idea for a program, too. The only correction I want to make is "ran" and "run" above. Do you see why it should be 'run' instead?

It is a program which is being run by people who care about children.
Sibling class is a program run by teenagers.

Writing Feedback / Media for communicating information: • comics • books • radio • television • film [6]

Thesis sentence at the end of paragraph 1:
Add a comma: However, I believe not all these provide good quality information, and I will try to analyze them. (after this sentence, add a sentence that tells the main conclusion -- or maybe two or three conclusions -- that you come to in the essay.)

Topic sentence for paragraph 3:
Let's not pass to film and theatre.
Let's not pass to overlook film and theatre. --- this sentence would be better if it was longer and if it told the reader your idea. Instead of just saying, 'let's not overlook film and theatre, say what you think about their merits as means of communicating info. The first sentence of a paragraph should be a 'topic sentence.'

:-)

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [7]

This is pretty great! I just wish it had come to some conclusion at the end. It would be a lot more interesting if you came out of the experience with a tentative plan. Instead of saying you still have no plan, say you came to some important conclusions about what is important to you.

I am not saying you should claim to have a plan when you actually do not. I am just saying it would be good to talk about what you ARE sure of instead of ending the essay with the observation that you still have not chosen a career.

You can choose a field of study with the intention to work in that field for a few years and then maybe enter another field. What drives you at this point in your process? I hope it is something that is significant to the school to which you are applying. Show them that admission to this program is an important part of your process.

Add a sentence at the end to honor your grandfather for his advice. :-)

Writing Feedback / The Cask of Amontillado - Research Essay -Cask of Amontillado- in MLA [6]


Yes, this is what I was going to say, too. I suggest this:
Telling the story from the first person perspective of Montresor, Poe thrusts the reader into a believable tale, though the narrator may not be reliable or trusted solely because of his actions.

Yep, this is a great paper for sure. I have one sugestion that I think can help a lot with this and future papers, though:

Look at the thesis you presented in the intro. Try to start or end each body paragraph with a sentence that tells the reader how the MAIN POINT OF THE PARAGRAPH supports the MAIN POINT (i.e. THESIS) of the essay.

Right now, the essay is all info, all telling about the story, and the reader has to follow along. If you revise the first or last sentence of each para to show how the thesis statement is supported, it will make the reader say, "ahh, I see what she means..."

Scholarship / Actuarial Science: why your selected degree programme? Scholarship Essay Help. [10]

Yes, I know what you mean. You can post or not post according to your situation's requirements. It is nice to talk with you about the essay even if you cannot actually post it.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]


Oh, yeah... now that sounds familiar...


I just remember getting a very disillusioned feeling when I started learning about the various disorders. Various disorders correspond to various medicines, and a lot of it seems precarious. It seems questionable. And it is constantly changing, so of course the diagnostic procedures are imperfect.

And I'm sad to say, a lot of psych articles seem overly complicated.. using fancy presentation to make things seem more significant than they are. This is all just my own perspective on it, anyway. In every field, the mediocre practitioners set the standard. With some real inspiration, though, you can find an intuitive approach that really works. You have to sift through the useless stuff to find what really has the ring of truth and the power to transform the system in which an individual is functioning/failing to function, thriving/suffering, etc...

So, I'm am not saying anything bad about the field... just saying you have to search hard to find the good stuff. :-)

Writing Feedback / toefl--athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as libraries [11]


The meaning is clear. You can express ideas, but you are ready now to make the verbs and nouns all perfect. I think you should type the essay again and make the changes Maria suggested.

Here is an example:
Some of people say that university do not need to give more money to athletic department.
It should be plural:
Some of people say that universities do not need to give more money to their athletic departments.

So... make those corrections based on Maria's feedback and see if you can fix all the errors.

Writing Feedback / Issue about General Welfare/ SUREST INDICATOR OF A GREAT NATION [7]

Good observation, ha ha... Here is a book you might like:
The Unwanted Sound of Everything We Want: A Book About Noise. by: Garret Keizer

Undergraduate / Knowing oneself, is the beginning of all wisdom - the purest reflection of me in a mirror [9]


Hey, this sentence has really nice rhythm! I like it...

I don't know if "clear brown" makes sense.

...a glimpse of my life and soul are is reflected onto this simple object.

Okay, here is my challenge for you:
The first paragraph is too short. I think you should read the whole essay again and write a sentence that expresses the central idea of the whole essay. Add that sentence to the end of paragraph one. It will be your thesis sentence, and it will anchor all the paragraphs to one central idea. :-)

Undergraduate / Futuristic idea - Personal Statement [8]

I'm nothing in particular... a formless, essay correcting entity. I told someone recently that I was less than a robot but more than a computer program! Ha ha ha...

Poetry / Writing a Narrative Poem/Short Story [7]

If you are having a hard time starting, it probably is better to write a story instead of a poem.

The story might be about a peculiar situation. What is a situation that would make an interesting story? Imagine the scene. Imagine the character. Maybe a boy is not very religious but falls in love with a girl from a religious family. What happens? What do you hope happens?

Using that scenario, describe the setting. Where does it happen? Can you describe the place using 'like' or 'as' to make a simile? Use each of those literary devices with the idea of a non-religious boy in love with a girl from a religious family. How will the story end?

Writing Feedback / Qualities of good co-workers - first of all, it is most important how they treat their work. [8]

I understand why that is scary! Many other students said the same thing you said. They are afraid to talk to others about their essays, because they are all still learning. However, you can tell someone what part of the essay you liked, what it made you think of, what you did not understand, and how it made you feel. You do not have to make corrections.

You can make a post to tell someone your reaction to their essay, and you do not have to make any corrections. Just tell them something about what you thought when you read the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'thank to god not being sick' IELTS - What factors are important in achieving happiness? [3]

For the human being, happiness is the most valuable achievement, in their life but happiness is very difficult to define.

Also, the things that make people happy vary according to age; in the case of a child, a toy makes them happy; for teenagers, a car makes them happy.

To achieve happiness is not very hard but to defining define happiness is very difficult.
you can say 'to define' or 'defining' but do not say 'to defining."
To achieve happiness is not very hard, but defining happiness is very difficult.

If they can, they will.
If people could can find the meaning of being happy they will achieve ...

or

If people could, they would...
If people could find the meaning of happiness, they would achieve...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about Frienship- Judith Viorst [6]

Hyphen:
He is thirty-eight years old...

Furthermore, the moment when Duong and I won over the previous champion team in basketball gave me the best memory of my high school years.

During the first match I played in, the team...

I met Dai at the coffee shop where I hang out with friends.

... said to me with a low voice: "He y boy, nothing is easy to get in this world". He also added: "The success will come to you when you work hard, when you receive respect from someone, and when you know how to act towards older people." This caught my attention ...

We could not live without friends, so we need to open our heart to give ourselves a chance to have m ore friends.

Nice job! This is a great subject, and your story is interesting.

Undergraduate / statement of purpose for Master's programme in electronics and communication eng. [3]

I think this is your short term goal rather than your ultimate goal:
...will help me to realize my ultimate short term goal, which is to develop myself as a well educated electrical engineer and promote my existing career in related industries.

** I think your ultimate goal includes more than just this. :-)

Do you understand all of Ershad's corrections? You can also write,
As high school students, we had an electricity lesson in which ...

... and caused the bachelor period to last longer than normal.--- I think this is impressive, because it shows that you have a significant amount of work experience and know what it is like to have work interfere with your goals.

No comma necessary in this sentence:
Years of working in this field made me so passionate about electronics.

I am sure that exposure to cutting edge facilities, interaction with renowned faculty at your institution will help develop my knowledge and versatility and help me to face stiff global competition.--- I crossed out the part that is boring and common. Can you come up with what you REALLY want to say? What do you really want to do at this school? What areas of your chosen field interest you? What activities at the school do you want to join? Say something specific here at the end of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Being myself & Try to help my community" --UC prompt #1 [5]

Okay, I stared at this for a long time trying to figure out the problem. I think the problem is that the intro paragraph needs work. Add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph:

Living in a traditional Chinese family, my parents always want me to be someone who they can be proud of before their friends and relatives. In their opinion being successful is to be wealthy and educated. However, I have my own definition of success; I will not let others to determine who I am. (Add a sentence here that sharpens your thesis and makes it more distinct. Tell the reader about your chosen fields and the specializations that interest you, and then end the paragraph. That way the reader will understand what you are all about and appreciate the rest of the essay even more.)

:-) this is very good! Your sincerity is noticeable in the way you write.

Undergraduate / Texas Tech Admission: My father, Someone who has made an impact on your life. [3]

Keep those verb tenses consistent:
He has always shown me unconditional love, no matter how badly I screwed up.

He shown showed me by example how to play baseball, drive a car, fix things, treat a lady, raise a family, and ...

...and he always will be there in any personal moment of uncertainty.--- I like this part.

oftentimes is one word:
... where a positive male role model is oftentimes missing in a...

This is really nice. It is a little simple, but very nice. If you want to go a little deeper in your analysis, discuss your career interests as they may have been influenced by your father. You can also do some self-analysis and really open up to the reader about your hopes, your concerns, etc., about college. Give some examples, and let the reader know what role your father played in each situation you write about.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay:Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better ? [5]

It seems that your thesis statement is that the innovations bring negative side effects, such as loss of personal security. You assert this at the end of the first paragraph, and I think you should add a topic sentence to the beginning of paragraph 2 so that the reader can easily follow your discussion.

Paragraph 2:
One good example of innovation that can lead to a loss of health and personal security comes from the field of energy development. The advancement in energy development has brought a new frontier: nuclear energy. Scientists ...

Above, I added a topic sentence that will make paragraph 2 longer and more complete. I think you should also add a sentence at the end of that paragraph:

...protective measures to shroud radiation, accidents and leakages can occur. (add a sentence that says something about how health and security are lost because innovations come with drawbacks.)

This is a very important subject! I think you should also write about how technology advancement increases the intensity of competition as various powers and organizations strive to keep up with the changing technology in order to avoid losing competitiveness.

Letters / recommendation letter for a job offer in the field of architecture [8]

Just google this for examples:
professional letter template

I would use single spaced paragraphs with a space between each paragraph and no indentation.

Writing Feedback / Essay: The Essential Characteristics of a Good Parent [3]

Here is an idea: One technique I think everyone should do use is to spend quality time with their child. --- this was not an error; I just think it will sound nicer if you say 'use.'

The first example on of how I spend time with my kids is to take them to the park. Every kid loves going to the park. I personally love surprising my nieces and nephews by taking them to the park every weekend I get them. --- is it still a surprise if you do it every weekend?

Remember the quote, "Honesty is the best policy." This includes being honest with yours kids also.

This is really nice. I see that ershad made some good corrections, too, like the capitalization of "aunt." However, in essence this piece of writing is very impressive. It conveys a sense of certainty you have about this subject you know so well.

Undergraduate / Being an artist - ucla prompt 2 tell us about a talent [6]


I think this sentence should be lengthened to include some mention of the "heat" theme that you established. Do you know what I mean? This last sentence should mention heat in order to maintain that theme you are using.

comma and capitalization:
...of the question, "What do..."

comma
...when I declare, "an artist or a painter."

You can be a painter no matter what you choose to do for your career. Depending on where you live and what skills and resources you have, you may or may not be able to make money with painting. If you make money by tutoring kids and spend your inspired time painting, that is just as good. You can also major in entrepreneurship so that you learn great ways to market your art.

You can never be just one thing. You'll be many things. You might be a painter and entrepreneur.

:-)


This is a great example!

I hope you'll write a little more about the connection between your talent and your intended major and some relevant goals you hope to accomplish during the next few years.

Undergraduate / 'Preaching my first sermon' - An attempt to jumpstart NCSSM essays [5]

I was really impressed by the first one... good stuff.

Here is a place where "less is more." ---> Ten year-olds are quite possibly some of the most confused individuals on the planet.

Also, I added a hyphen to year-old...

I have a passionate love for an wide varieties a wide variety of music.


Awesome, good idea!
My personality may not be FDA certified quite yet, but it's well on its way to proudly displaying it's that stamp of approval.

:-)

Research Papers / My Scientific Method: steps and procedures (research) [6]

I like the way the essay is structured. It has an intriguing style, and some of its uniqueness might be lost if changes were made to it. I think it came from a moment of inspiration, so I would not mess with it.

Here is one idea I just had, though:
My passion expressed in everything I do may briefly reveal it, yet I don't currently hold the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and desires with it I think you can write the second half of this sentence in a way that says something more specific and interesting.

:-)

Undergraduate / To pursue a career in nursing, UT Austin transfer essay-STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [3]

I'll remove a comma here:
Among our church congregation were several individuals in the medical area, and to cultivate my career goal I shadowed various people, such as a nurse anesthesiologist, occupational therapist, family practitioner, pathologist, and others.

Here, I'll cross out something that is not necessary:
At college, I was hundreds of miles away from home, and unlike at home, not everyone knew that I was a pastor's child.

I will be able to become a link in the crucial chain of hospital staff members who strive to restore and improve people's health and be a positive influence on people's lives. ---good sentence!

In addition, I will always seek to enhance my medical skills throughout my nursing career by cultivating my high interest in the functions and composition of our human body. You write very well, but I had to cross out this one because it does not really mean anything. Replace this with a sentence about your philosophy of medicine or a particular therapeutic modality that interests you. Be specific. :-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about Frienship- Judith Viorst [6]

Hi Tuan, I wonder if you have any questions about Maria's corrections. Do you know what an article is? Do you want to discuss some of the changes she made?

Also, if you want to type the essay again and try to make the changes suggested by Maria, we will look to see what else we can do to improve the essay. By continuously improving it, we can improve your understanding. I'm glad you are here! Make a new post if you want to, and try to apply Maria's changes!

(thanks Yayz!)

Essays / Essay On Advertisement, Merits & demerits [4]

You need raw material for your essay! That is what ershad provided here. An essay is like a campfire that needs fuel (i.e. wood).

The fuel for the fire of your essay comes from books and articles.
Read 1 article, and then write one sentence about it. That is how to start. That is how to turn an article into a sentence.

You probably will feel that your sentence does not adequately convey the main idea of the article, so write another sentence to explain what you mean. Then, give an example. Add one more sentence to tell about the significance of the writer's truth, and you have a whole paragraph. That is how you can get one sentence to grow into a paragraph.

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]


Yes, actually I saw a post by Maria ("Yayz") recently that had a very long paragraph and it worked really well. It just carried the reader along.

Really, the correct thing to do depends on how many ideas need to be expressed. If you have one main idea supported by three sub-ideas, then that classic 5-paragraph essay might be best, but if you want to go deep into a single idea you might need only one para.

Still, when the reader looks at one long para it is intimidating! Paragraphing makes reading easier.

Writing Feedback / Issue about General Welfare/ SUREST INDICATOR OF A GREAT NATION [7]

Plural:
importance of rulers, artists and scientists .

The society consists of people and it is people who make the big "machine" of society work well.

We cannot live without these ordinary people. No matter how ordinary one is, she or he can contribute energy to the nation.

Also, taking care of every civilian's benefit is the precondition of nation's stability. --- good sentence!!

If the nation only put its eyes on the minority like rulers, artists and scientists, it would cause complaints from the people.

The nation as a whole would collapse if ...

Artists can create the beauty for society, such as paintings which reflect the livings in countryside to give the people living in modern cities a chance to feel the wonderful scenes of villages. ---- very good!!!

Without scientists, the world would lose its color. --- not true!! :-)

Imagine how many discoveries and inventions had made us life so exciting. Because of the developed transportation system, we can...

This is very good. You make some small mistakes with grammar, but the concept is excellent. I am impressed. The welfare of the people should be the goal of the leaders, artists, and scientists, so it is a good measure of their accomplishments as well.

Undergraduate / 'Aspirations Never Die' - Statement of Purpose for PhD in computer Networking [10]

It is okay to not mention the place you come from, but you CAN mention it if it helps to make your point. The challenge is to avoid seeming like this is contrived. For example, I am writing at this moment about how to include mention of your home town in an essay. My own home town is a place where I learned to face my fears and control my impulses.

What I just did above was contrived. My mention of MY home town has no place in that paragraph! It is very important to keep things where they belong. Working in education feels right; it is where I belong, and it makes me feel "at home." And when I complete my degree program I would like to return to Nawabgonj so that my career can unfold for the benefit of those among whom I youth.

This -- above -- is not contrived. It is part of what you are saying.

So in answer to your question, the way to integrate various points is to talk about them all as part of your explanation for the MAIN theme of the essay. Anchor all ideas to the main idea.

I moved to the city in 1998 and was granted admission to one of the best colleges in my country. --- I think this way is best, because it says what needs to be said without being too wordy.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Recommendation to change the marketing style of a company [11]

The sentence was like this:
We must revert back to net marketing.

My high school teacher would have done this:
we must revert back to net marketing.

It is an intransitive verb, but that has nothing to do with my teacher's argument. She argued that revert means "to return to a former condition" so saying

"I need to revert back to my old method..."
is like saying
"I need to return back to the house."--- this is just a clumsy way to write.

This is sleek:
I need to revert to my old method. I need to return to the house.

Anyway, you may be correct... I don't know. But so far I still think it's best not to ever use "revert back." There are a lot of people who think this is incorrect, so it is best to just avoid it.