Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

I don't like those tests. They make me seem prejudiced when I'm not!

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: salaries of sportspeople [2]

Moreover, some sports stars are keen to hold and participate in various social activities. Take Yaoming as an example, who is a billionaire in NBA. He donated millions of money to support those people in the Wenchuang earthquake. Thus, the unfairness is not the issue.

In conclusion, our society had better place more ...
Instead of writing this, I think you should write
In conclusion, our society should place more ...

Your English is great!!

Book Reports / Similarities or Differences between Hamlet and The Great Gatsby [3]

You can make an observation that goes even deeper than that. Decisiveness is a good concept. Your teacher might not appreciate it enough. Be bold with your discussion of decisiveness.

The thing to do is go deep into your exploration of the implications of the truths you uncover... about rash drastic decisions and about passion, ambition, folly... make a keen observation.

;-)

Writing Feedback / imagination vs. perspiration - CBEST [2]

Therefore to have a bit of creativity, and imagination is the key and purpose for endeavoring. Therefore, a bit of creativity and imagination can be the driving force behind an endeavor.

Thus, the spark of vision is just the beginning of developing light, searching the cure for cancer, and design future cars. The actualization of these things requires work.

Although Thomas Edison is known for his...

:-)

Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph. Then, let the paragraph unfold.

Research Papers / sustained silent reading (SSR) - research synthesis/summary [4]

This is a fascinating one. Thanks so much for participating here and making EF a better place. We are lucky to have good writers like you! And I don't see errors...

Teachers get complacent:
Teachers often see students doing everything but reading during this time and, therefore, see independent reading as a waste of time and drop it from their classroom (Kelley & Clausen-Grace, 2009, p. 313).-----If you start by reading with them, you can hypnotize them into it, and they keep on reading...

That structure you talk about is very good... give structure by reading to them and sending them on their way into the story.

Writing Feedback / THE IMPACT OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA ON CONTEMPORARY GRAPHIC DESIGN - starting? [6]

What a great big research topic this is...
Electronic media covers just about all media nowadays... everything except books, magazines, and newspapers. Books, magazines, and newspapers are becoming obsolete! Everyone have e-books now.

how does electronic media impact graphic design? I think this question is too broad. You need to narrow.

Narrow it down!! Down Down ... Narrow it to a sharp focus on a particular aspect of media.
All you have to do, though, is write about the most recent advancements in this field. This should be easy for you if this field is what you are interested in. :-) Graphic design is inseparable from electronic media.

Writing Feedback / minimum wage in America - CBEST [2]

There is a large category of people in whose opinion the sharp increase of the minimum wage should be avoided.--- this really is a very well-written sentence. It is complex, and it is grammatically correct. Yet, I agree with Maria that it should be changed, and I like the way she changed it. If you keep it this way, it is almost like showing off!! It is a very good sentence, but maybe more complicated than necessary.

:-)

Here is another good correction that Maria already made:
Its increase is a necessity and is possible to can be accomplished without the fear of an increasing inflation.
You can write
It can be accomplished... or ...It is possible to accomplish...
but not:
It is possible can be accomplished...

Essays / Essay on sociology research methods- experimental method ! [2]

This is a tough topic, because it requires you to write about the other types of design as well.

If I use a case study design, can I make conclusions about causation? Or can I only observe?
What if I use correlational research?
Can you find any articles about causal comparative research?

What about ethnographic and survey research? I argue that ethnographic work and survey work can only provide data about how things are and cannot tell us about causation.

You should write a paragraph about each kind of research design and show how it can or cannot show causation. I think an experiment might indeed be the only way to show causation.

Writing Feedback / Computers: good or bad in using it for education - CBEST [3]

That first sentence is very impressive.

Indeed, r eliance on computer grows every day . This explosion in technology has increased efforts to equip every classroom with computers and provide every school to the internet Internet. Many college ...

... convenient way to deliver a lecture, provide additional notes, and save paper effortlessly .

Moreover, using the computer within the it classroom saves students time by making it unnecessary for them to understand the hieroglyphic writing of the professor, and instead they can focus on details not rather than explicitly on the power point. ----- very good use of the word hieroglyphic!!

With the use of technology in each ...

I like your style of writing!

Undergraduate / "Argentinian parents" - FSU admission essay "VIRES, ARTES, MORES" [3]


This is an example of a sentence that gets you off to a slow start...
What it amounts to is this:
Experiences have sculpted the person I am today.--- but this does not say anything meaningful. Experiences sculpt us all.

Vires embodies the morals I will never break, the endurance I have physically, and the intellect I hold. --- this is a nice sentence.

And as you read this I hope you acknowlege me as the genuine person I am.---- why do you say this? It is a little offensive to the reader, because you have no reason to assume that the reader needs to be reminded that you are a genuine person. Let me look to see what you are really trying to say...

you are saying this:
I learned Vires from my parents.

You wrote this essay about your parents' Vires and how you embraced the spirit of hard work and personal strength. It is great! Now go back to the beginning and give it a proper introduction. Introduce it by saying only what you mean: My parents' demonstrated Vires by working hard to provide everything for me, and I am following their example.

:-)

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]

Well... I like this sentence a lot.----Her warm reaction encouraged me to approach her with my burgeoning philosophical inquiries. ---- this is a very meaningful sentence that causes a lot of reflection by the reader.

Undergraduate / Admission of Guilt or Liability in an Essay [4]

This is a good point, for sure! I hope I have not written anything too incriminating here...

;-)

Poetry / This is the first poem I've ever written - "Sorrow" [7]

I like how despair rhymes a little bit with "where's" from the beginning of the next stanza.

I changed "strengthened" to "revived". ---- It's good, but make this kind of decision based on what you want do to the reader's experience. Revive enunciates the 2nd syllable instead of the first and implies that it needed revival, whereas strengthened enunciated the 1st syllable and implies that it improved something that had not necessarily subsided/waned...

Hey, thanks for comparing me to Metallica, that is my biggest compliment ever, despite being a little blasphemous.

Writing Feedback / To what level do you agree that Unis should accept equal numbers of male and females? [7]


No, if you did that it would still sound strange. Do this:
In our contemporary society, there is a striking increase in the number and importance of women. in the society.
Good question!!


I'm not sure what you mean by this. Can you explain again? What is your question? Anyway, I look forward to working with your essays! :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]


I like this way of introducing a term! That is quite poetic and clever.

I see what the stance it. The writer says laws should be enforced in a flexible way rather than a rigid way.

Sell The sale of liquor is banned in many countries, but we have to reconsider our this law in places where temperature use to go very low and you need to take liquor to keep yourself warm and alive. --- when you start talking about this, you are digressing. The question is about how law should be enforced rather than whether laws can change. No, no! I take it back. Actually, the question is not just about enforcement. This is a good observation...

So this essay can be about whether flexibility should be used in changing laws and whether flexibility should be used in enforcing laws.

I think you got a little arbitrary when you talked about killing in self defense. That is an example of someone involuntarily breaking a law, though, and it is a good example to support your point. This essay can be improved with the addition of a few clear topic sentences for the paragraphs. At the start of each paragraph write a sentence that clearly tells the point that will be made in it. That will help make this clearer.

I think you have some great ideas!!

Student Talk / PROGRAM FOR PLAGARISM [4]


Yes, the one Laura is probably trying to remember is turnitin.com.

But I have heard of dustball, too.

As far as I am concerned, the best way to check something is to google some selections of text and see what comes up. Just highlight a sentence from the essay and copy/paste it into the search box.

:-)

I'm going to move this thread to "student talk"

Undergraduate / "Choices for the better" UC Prompt #1 2010 [6]

I believe an a community does not...

My parents moved from South Korea to America to birth me here for a good start in education and for me to have as many oppurtunities opportunities to succeed as i can could possibly get...

...disapproved of him going so far for school and wished for him to stay with her so he can could help raise me. My dad loved my mom and I very much, but in spite of my mom's pleading my dad chose to look towards "our" future and chose his goal of being a p.h.D graduate...

During the years of my dad' s absence after the divorce, my mom's dedication and...

... was what put my mental state into a whole another new level. Not seeing my mom due to constant double shifts circulating around three jobs put me into a state not of loneliness or depression, but a state of courage and determination.

At the end of the essay, it would be good to give a few sentences about your plan for success.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Qualities of good co-workers - first of all, it is most important how they treat their work. [8]


This is an interesting suggestion. What do you mean? Also I like your idea about using a definition.

Hey, Maria gave lots of great corrections. Monicacho, if you want to practice you should type the essay again and make the necessary changes.

I like this part:
Because of their attitude, if they have good image rapport with somebody, they can be forgiven easily. Even though they have misunderstanding or miscommunication, they can solve the problems with conversation. the other people.

I just changed image to rapport. Also, you don't need "the other people"at the end.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Love is a universal constant" - Essay About Love in Literature [7]

We, as readers of literature, do not learn anything intrinsically different about love across eras, but rather how we, as humans, translate the timeless message of the many facets of love into literature and interpret its significance.--- I think this needs to be separated into 2 sentences or something. It is convoluted and maybe even incorrect.

But in general this paper seems strong. The thesis is complicated, but you will still probably get a good score. I think you should add one more short sentence to the end of your first paragraph to "sharpen" the thesis. A sharper thesis is one that says something even more specific. It can be anything at all that you observe about love in the stories. As a fellow wordsmith, I think you understand what I mean. Say something ridiculously specific.

:-)

Scholarship / Making the best out of opportunities: IELTS scholarship essay guidance [3]

Making the best out of opportunities has become my second nature. is a skill I have mastered.
This is an idea I had. I don't think second nature sounds right.

At the beginning of your essay, I think you should write a few specific examples to show what you have done and what you want to do. Give examples of what you have done and what you want to do. Tell us about your plan.

Earning this highly coveted scholarship, which your esteemed organization has so very thoughtfully has given made available for the likes of me, with high ambition but restrained resources has yet provided me the platform to milk the opportunity to alleviate my father's burden whilst carving my future to create a niche for myself. I will not forget the chance given by you to help me contribute to my family and to the well-being of the society in which we live. that we live in.

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]

Ha ha, you are interesting people.


Yes, it was inspired by a swivel chair. It was the first thing I saw when I looked around for something to make into a metaphor, ha ha...

Undergraduate / "help me bring a unique and distinctive perspective" Law School Personal Statement [8]


This is an excellent sentence. It's very well-constructed. I think the fact that the apartment had to accommodate 8 people should be mentioned in a separate sentence so that this one does not get too confusing.

I consider my past a means of shaping me into the individual I am today and I feel that my personal experiences will help me bring a distinctive perspective to X Law School.

This last sentence.. I think you can do something better. I could not come up with a suggestion, but I think if you catch that wave of inspiration you can tell something specific at the end here.

Dissertations / BPM and Six Sigma: Can BPM and Six Sigma co-exist? What are the benefits of this [4]

Cool, Mickey! Good call...

Someone once told me that a good research problem should involve "blood, sweat, or money." The steps for identifying a problem, according to the process I like to use, is like this:

1. here is a problem
2. here is evidence to show that there is a problem
3. here is evidence to show that the problem is caused by a certain trend
4. here are the definitions of the things I am talking about
5. here is a description of the setting in which it is happening.
6. here is a solution that I propose.
7. here is why I think it is feasible to do what I suggest to solve the problem

You pose a question: can they coexist? Can you turn it into a problem statement? How about this:
BPM and Six Sigma cannot coexist, and it is a problem for ___________because of _______.
Here is evidence to show that it is a problem.
Here is evidence to show that the aspect of the problem I am talking about has a specific cause or trend associated with it.
Here are the definitions of the concepts I am talking about...
etc...

Your job is to read and read and read, until you discover a good solution to a problem. Isn't this a job for an expert? For your mini dissertation you need to be a mini expert.

Search your school database for BPM and Six Sigma, and read enough recent articles to get a sense of what the experts are saying. Add your own insight, and you will have a meaningful contribution.

Read the work of John Cresswell (i.e. research methods). It helped me a lot. It is what you need to know to design a research project.

Undergraduate / "Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt [8]


I think you did answer the prompt well, and your point is distinct... interesting. However, it just seems incomplete. I don't want to impose my own opinion, but it seems to me that the next step is to go beyond awareness training to a point where you are practicing something else. For example, what is more meaningful than not allowing yourself to be cheated? Maybe it is not allowing others to be cheated. So you can be a protector of others.

And yes, I think the most important part is when you discuss the implications for your future.

:-)

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]

You can find them on the YMAA website and on ebay! All you need is one book or video to get started.

After I learned about enough material to fill one or two college classes, it really changed my practice in a big way. Most people practice meditation by paying attention to the way the abdomen expands on the inhalation to make room for the diaphragm moving down, but in some traditions like this one the practitioners figured out how to use a technique called "reverse breathing" where the abdoment withdraws on every inhalation. It helped me, so I tell people about it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Goverment should write laws for using vehicles and everybody should follow them [5]

Sure, just post your new draft here! :-)

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]


I have no way of knowing what my subconscious mind thinks of. That is why it is called subconscious!

By the way, that's a cool discussion of antidis.. etc.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [416]


No need for an apology!! :-D

Undergraduate / "a career that challenges and sharpens my skill set" - The Ohio State University [4]

This is what I would do:
Three locations: Illinois, Michigan, and Milan, Italy.-- this is easier for the reader to grasp and makes a more powerful impact on the mind. It also eliminates the need for those semi-colons.

That first paragraph definitely needs one more sentence! It neds a sentence added to the end. It has to be a sentence that expresses your main idea.

Always competitive, I am interested in a career that challenges and sharpens my skill set. --- I think you should write something more interesting. I think you want something more than just a career that improves your skills. All careers do that. Tell about what is important to you and why. Tell about your plan!

:-)

Dissertations / I need suggestions for phd topics in software engineering [18]

Yes, I like Ershad's advice. However, we are here to help! One good way to determine your topic is to read a literature review that has been written recently.

Google this, and then type some of the list items into your school's article database:
List of software engineering topics

Undergraduate / "The truly important things in life" - experiences that can define you as a person [4]

I didn't know why others were able to go out only when they wanted to but I was forced to. I didn't understand her at first, but now I do.

We get to enjoy life purely only once. When we were young, we didn't worry about things, we were not time conscious and did not even know how much we played; only that energy was lost, nothing more.

I was then a very playful kid.
Things now are different, when I think of having fun, I still have to think whether I have other appointments to attend or tests to study. Wherever I go, whatever I do, fun or not, there would still be something in my head that says you still have to this and that. --- this is very good!! The reader will enjoy this.

At school, I am not the nerdy type, but my friends are. --- ha ha, I think you are a good writer, despite some errors.

I am known by teachers for my ability and passion to lead.

I of course, was running for president. From what I heard, we were the most promising team , since most of us were previous officers of the student council. On the other hand, the second team was leaded by a fellow SC officer, but his grandfather has had given big contribution to our school, so the SC adviser was on his side.

I knew there was still an open position for me, as board of director which is chosen by the administration so I took myself out and gave everybody else a chance to show their talents. I had been ...

Do not let anyone tell you that you have to be a particular person. Be unique. Be what you feel.
--- nice job... very good.

Practice your verbs!
Today, I give...
Today, he gives...
Last year, I gave...
Last year, he gave...

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - Bioinformatics [4]

...discovered that I was more interested in computer science and programming than biology.
-- after this sentence, write a short sentence that says something intriguing about your interest in comp sci.

Then, at the end, refer back to that clever sentence from the end of para #1

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Quick Comma Question - is it needed after "small amenities"? [5]

Nah, really it does not matter. I saw a book by Leslie Marmon Silko and noticed that she does not care what Strunk and White say about comma use. And she is great!!

Undergraduate / 'The compass pointing at the happiness' commonapp main essay [8]

Never try to be fancy for the sake of being fancy. Attack a concept and tear it apart. That is fancy.

Extend the philosophy so that it goes from Dad to you to your studies and work. Give the reader a few more glimpses into your life, your future. Make it so that the underlying truth about the compass is that it transcends space and time; write about the direction in which he is sending you and a picture of your future.

:-)

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]

Ha ha, thanks. And thanks for helping me figure out how to spell that name!

You can make a metaphor out of anything. It is like a game.

How can you make a gender oppression metaphor about ... war?
Patriarchy is a general in an army. Gender oppression is the general's decision not to accept advice, the act of pulling rank just because you can.

You can make anything into a metaphor for anything if you think of the underlying principle.
Gender oppression might be compared to something in a big business, too.

How can you make a business metaphor about gender oppression?

Undergraduate / "Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt [8]

Look at where I put the commas:
I played with two other people, and everything was going smoothly, without delay but about halfway through I noticed one of my opponents lying about her score.

I was furious and disappointed at myself and regretted not saying anything, so I went to look for the girl but she had disappeared.

You write very well! I just moved some commas.

That last sentence in the essay is confusing. ----I became a more responsible person and meticulous about everything I do. I try to not do anything I would regret, but I also do not hesitate to speak what is on my mind. I will have the best time at UF.

Letters / Abercrombie part time impact team member - How to make this resume sound better [3]

Add an anecdote or example to each of these job descriptions. They are unimpressive if left the way they are. It is better to write a little descriptin of each job and use complete sentences. Can you think of an example for each job?

I also recommend writing a little introductory blurb to tell the reader why you are interested in this company. You can be honest. If you have a sincere, modest goal and want to do a good job, and if you mention the employer's name on the resume, they will be very impressed! So, I think it is great that you put the company's name in the objective. But make a change:

Seeking a position as a Abercrombie part time impact team member where my communication and organizational skills will be make me a valuable asset.

Undergraduate / Marching band section leader: a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [6]

What if I couldn't be a good leader? What if I failed? Well, failure just isn't an option for me.--- melodramatic. Cliche...

I fully plan to push myself to do my best to get the most out of my education. ---- this is a big assertion, but you could say it in a better way. "Fully plan" does not work...

You write very well!! I am just trying to give you ideas to make it better.
Can you think of a concept that is central to what you are saying? You are single-minded in your focus. Instead of saying "failure is not an option," tell about what happened when the pressure of the leadership position caused you to reconsider what you believed, and it helped you to identify what you want to study in college.

:-)

Writing Feedback / SAT: QUESTION DECICIONS OF LEADERS [5]


You make your point in the first paragraph.
In each body paragraph, give ideas to support your main point.
In one of the last body paragraphs, just before the conclusion paragraph, write about the other perspective.

In that second-to-last paragraph, you can do what is called "refuting the counter-argument." That means you explain the other point of view, and then you tell why your view is more correct.

You can do this to make any essay stronger. Instead of just making your argument, refute the counter-argument, too!

Scholarship / A higher degree in design for visual communication - scholarship completion [5]

Great ideas, here.

What do you think might impress a reader most, Divya? This question is a little bit strange. How do you expect your time abroad to "make a difference" to your life and those around?---- what does that even mean!?

I think you should tentatively choose a research topic in this field... and see visual communication abroad as you explore your chosen topic. What kinds of visual communication interest you? What do you want to accomplish for people? Can you achieve part of your goal while studying abroad?