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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010		 Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS-international media and cultural diversity..... [2]

the term of media is alsodrawing aincreasing significantlysignificant attention .

In my view, improvingexpansion of transnational media has many drawbacks in negative effects on cultural diversity and cultural globalizationauthenticity of a nation .

-- cultural diversity means a variety of cultures in a specific region; cultural globalization actually refers to the transmission of ideas, meanings and values across national borders. So they do not fit in with the idea you want to tell. I believe, what you want to say is that they harm the authentic features of existing cultures.
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Should government immunize people compulsively? [3]

In r R ecent years, many diseases and epidemicshave broken out and spreaded around the world such as Dengue, SAAS, Bird flue etc . Because of this, many governmentsof differentcountrie s havehad(should be past tense because you talk about something that has happened) to force people to get immunized and even to introducemake lawsthat people should obeyto make immunization compulsory. In my opinion, I think it is acceptable that thegovernment immunizesgovernments' trying to impose such laws that insist people to be immunizedcompulsively for the following reasons.

--------------Though you have issues with presenting your ideas clearly, this introductory para is in line with the expected structure. Improve your vocabulary and pay attention to the presentation of your ideas... With practice you can improve a lot : )
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:In the future, students have the choice of studying at home by using tech [5]

You need an introduction, two body paras and a conclusion for TOEFL essays. They evaluate you on this structure.

Introduction; Brief introduction to your topic and a clear statement explaining your opinion on the argument

Body para 1 and 2 ; Give one reason (in each body para) for your opinion. Support the reason with a specific example (note; you can have more body paras if you have more reasons and also the time to finish this within the allocated time for this task)

Conclusion; Sum up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'acceptable solutions for global village' - IELTS-Globalisation [5]

Because of globalization many traditional things are adjustingchanging and the world is becoming combinedconnected economically, socially and politically through the assistance of technology and communication.

---- good idea : )

Globalization is becoming a commonly used term in twentieth century. Because of globalization many things are adjusting and the world is becoming combined economically, socially and politically through the assistance of technology and communication. Some people argue that globalization has a fundamentally beneficial influence on our lives, while others believe that it has a lot of bad effects on us.

What is your opinion about this argument? You should state it in the introductory para.

Firstly, since the globalization is occurring, it has contributed to the world's economy with the beneficial ways, especially, the changes which happened in technology have allowed businesses to easily cross the boundaries. Consequently, companies and factories are paying attention to generate goods which has a great quality.

Give a specific example for this reason... well, you say business can cross the boundaries easily now. So give an example - Mac Donald's, the American chain is present in China. ... TOEFL and IELTS examiners expect you to support your reasons with examples. So make sure you give a specific example that would earn marks for you at the exam : )
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]

"Practice" is the key factor for getting better at writing.

Very true... practice is a must to improve writing skills... Also you reading helps you with improving your vocabulary and the enriching your knowledge about different subjects. So, a good writer is always a good reader too. : )
dumi   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'forced to become my own competitor' - UCF Essay [7]

It is the teacher's responsibility to offer any aid I needed, but it is up to me to aid myself.

Your first paragraph is written so well.... Enjoyed reading it : )
dumi   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should people take care of others_Discuss? [9]

Nowadays many countries are undergoing the process ofopen their door to globalistion with the by increasing international trade and enhancing their involvement inwith various international organisations.

------------ Globalization is not something that countries undergo but it happens when they improve their involvement with international community. Also the main reason for globalization is international trade and therefore it is worth sighting : )
dumi   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - REWRITE - children development and modern games [4]

The only way you can improve your speed is by practicing to write more and more essays. Also reading other's essays written on IELTS topics would be helpful for you to quickly come up with arguments. You can find plenty of such essays in this forum under writing feed back category. Or else you can do a search for IELTS.
dumi   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - REWRITE - children development and modern games [4]

Today, there has beenis a significant change in the way that children play games

good opening statement : )

This is driven by theimprovementfast development of computer science,technology, which allows young kids to have fun with their peers before a computer screen playing various kinds of modernvirtual games, instead of playing traditional outdoor games. Some people think this trend would have an adverse effect to the development of a young personminds

------------ I introduced a few new words for your vocabulary : )

I certainly agree with their views .

I made that insertion to affirm your opinion : )

You have written the introduction very well; it contains all required features; ideas are presented with good clarity and it is an interesting introduction to read : )

Good Luck !
dumi   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:Growing violence in films has affected youngsters in a negative way? [10]

It's obvious that violent behavior is growing more in films in recent 20 years.

and

artin:It's - Do not use contractions.

Well, "It's'' is the accepted short form for ''It is'' or ''It has'' and cannot be used for anything else.e.g. It's his duty; It's the right time; It's gone forever

''Its'' means ''his'' or ''her'' and mostly used for animals . ... e.g. Its tail is too short; Its fragrance makes it a flower of high demand

So in this case ''It's'' is not wrong (google for ''difference between its and it's if you want find more information on this topic), but I prefer you wrote ''It is'' because this is your opening statement and it's worth putting a little hard work for this sentence coz this is your first chance of impressing the reader :D
dumi   
Jul 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / RENTING A HOUSE -PROS AND CONS [2]

Good introduction :)

On the one hand,there are many advantages when we take a flat or apartment for rent.

Why you start with "on the other hand'' ? You said that it has both good and bad effects in the intro, so I feel if you start this sentence without this part it reads better.

we do not need to spend money and time for the repairs and maintanance maintenance of the building and other things

----- if you say other things, you need to give a few examples for them. However, repairs and maintenance cover most of the essential parts and therefore this part does not add any value to your sentence.

Finaly,it is veryharddifficult for ordinary people who work very hard to make bothe ends meet,to buy a house because of the high cost of land and increased expenses of bulding construction.

------- avoid repetition of the same word

When we live in others property,we are obliged to follow some rules and regulations

--------- nicely said :)

I must say that you have excellent writing skills; very good ideas and they are arranged in a very logical manner; good vocabulary and good essay structure !

I enjoyed reading your essay : )
dumi   
Jul 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:Growing violence in films has affected youngsters in a negative way? [10]

Your introduction contains all the features that is expected for TOEFL independent writing task; a brief introduction to the topic and stating your opinion clearly. Better if you can improve the opening sentence to be more catchy;

It's obvious thatshowing violent behaviorsis growing morehas grown in the films in recent 20 years.

Your body paras also follow the right structure and also the conclusion. However, pay more attention to your vocabulary and sentence structures. You display a good potential to go for a good score at TOEFL. :)

children behaviors are the most concerning matter which parents are always tryingalways try to do their best to influence .

---- try to complete your idea... you want to say that parents wish that their children behave well, so you need to say something to that effect.

human beings are very sensitive, especially ofthe youngsters

Nowadays children are more involvedinwith watching TV programs.

----- specify what activity children are involved with, otherwise reader would wonder

In conclusion, I certainly can say that growing of violence in filmshavehas adefinitely negative effects impact on youngsters mostly on their studystudies, emotions and behaviors.

Therefore, I think this matter should be controlled byneeds serious attention of both parents or somehow byand movie directors.

GOOD LUCK : )
dumi   
Jul 6, 2012
Graduate / 'my dream is becoming a successful programmer' - Graduate school [3]

My goal is getting prepared to become a successful programmer as I believe that I'm attached to that field and love ithave a great passion for learning IT .

---- Goal is linked with achieving a future task; also I guess you want to become a computer programmer and prefer if you speicfically tell it to the reader

Also, I believe that I can improve my career more at thatgo a long way in this career field as well("also" makes "as well" redundant ). University of Texas at Arlington is considered to be one of the most knownrenownedand professionaluniversityuniversities inat the DFW area. I hope during my studying at the UTA that I canwish todevelop what I know, and try to know new things that I didn't hear about before,acquire more knowledge and exposure in this field that can help me to achieve my goal during my stay at the UTA. Also, I'll try to know a lot of previous experiences in that field that can help me in the futureI believe that this learning experience will enrich my outlook as a learned person and help me grow as a person .

dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Speeches / Parents should not be sent to Old Age Homes. [3]

We make themWhen we cry,
who care for us.
We cry for those,
who never care for us."

This is the truth ofin life. Its STRANGE but TRUE!"

---

Theybroughtbring up their children despite of having so many socio-economic difficulties.

---- talk in present tense

They fulfill our every demand & never complain for anythingabout their sacrifices and bear all the pain for our betterment in life .

In return its our duty to give respect, love & care to them.pay back what they've done for us by respecting, loving and caring them .

Toeradicateeliminate this problem parents themselves should set an example before their children by servingtreating their parents & grand parentswell

Once the children get this precious quality in their genes we wouldn't have such inhumanity in our society.

------------- this is a weak sentence... your genes are predefined and you cannot change genes. Say this differently;
When a child grows up in a background seeing their parents looking after the elders well, he would automatically start respecting elders and take care of his parents.
dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Undergraduate / Mrs. Peneva- this kind, caring, extraordinary person - influential person [5]

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts.

with this note, I dont think you are a bad writer :)

And the the first thing that I noticed was her studentsthe enthusiasm of the students in her classaround her .

dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / Do you prefer to eat at food stands/restaurants or prepare and eat at home? [6]

Generally eating food is one of the actions that everyone enjoys it. As a matter of fact, eating a prepared food like inat restaurants has its particular joy.

---- a good point :)

But, in my opinion, I like more makinghaving mealsfood myself at home and then doingis better because it allows us to perform relevant religious ritualsceremonies before eatingconsuming food because of below mentioned reasons .

hey... you dont mention about this fact in your body paras.... what do you really mean by this sentence?
dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / FAST FOOD has many good effects on population? [9]

I'm sided within favor of these positive attitudes toward fast food and fast food restaurant

Though not grammatically incorrect, I am not favor of the usage of "sided" ... LOL

One of the main benefits associated with the increase is that the more fast food restaurants are opened that is whythe more time and money people can save.

Moreover,buying fast food easily also helps people not have tosave time on cooking - a really time-consuming work.activity

hahahaha... u seem to be a very lazy guy :D
dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Undergraduate / UNC business school essay about a AP physics group project [4]

Well, they are not so similar... The first one talks about a situation in which you took the lead in motivating your team towards success. Here you display the leadership qualities of a team leader. For example, how you acted as a catalyst, guide, mentor, effective communicator and how you inspired others into action etc.

In the second prompt deals more with your personal strengths that make you a natural leader. For example, your visionary thinking, decision making ability, analytical and planning skills etc.
dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Undergraduate / UCAS essay - economic and financial problems [5]

As customers we try to bargain for the least possible price so to make best out of our limited earnings

As producers, we optimize resources to maximize profits and improve customer satisfaction.

As citizens of the country we are influenced by the government decisions regarding taxation, subsidies, grants etc.

dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'any child can be taught to develop their skill' People are born with certain talents [4]

According to the mass media

why do you say this? I cannot find its relevance for this statment :(

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration

great quote :)

There is a saying that:" Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration". This is undoubtedly true because not everyone is born with talents. In one's life, there is evidence that he or she can be effectively taught to acquire different skills. Therefore, in order to succeed in his/her career, he/she need continuing practicing and training.

this para is well presented. However, you have to support your reason with a more specific example.
dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / Employee should have chance to select their retirement age [6]

But (do not start a sentence with "BUT") there are many factors to be should be considered and discussed about an appropriate retirement age.

"However" is a better way of replacing "but" :)

Personally, I thinkview that the government should discard mandatory retirement at a particular age

I believe that most of them who are workaholicpassionate about their work , prefer to work until they die

dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young careless drivers_agree? [9]

April April:
I do agree with the statement but just to a certain extent and I also think that it is not the only possible and important thing to do. Other things could be done and should be considered too.

Yes.... this is better than the earlier statement. But since you give reasons to support this statment in your body paras, I feel you should give more prominance to agreeing part over the grey area in order to keep alignment with the rest of the essay. Otherwise you need to give reasons for other factors too in your essay and also change your conclusion accordingly. Therefore say this differently giving more emphasis on that you are in agreement with this statement

For example;Although I believe that there are several other important things that we need to attend in preventing careless driving of the young people, I do agree that the children should be educated on safe driving skills that would certainly compliment the efforts of eliminating this issue.
dumi   
Jul 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Task--recommendation on opening a cafe store [2]

However, he does not explain how the selection of books keeps attracting a large number of customers.

However, he does not explain how the selection of book keeps attracting a large number of customers. A wide selection of books may only attract people with various social backgrounds, but it does not make sure the number of customer is large.

--- well, this argument is not presented to the reader in a very convincing way. The author declares that Monarch Books has a large customer data base. Your argument is that he does not say it in a quantifiable manner which is necessary to assess the feasibility. But when you talk about the soical backgrounds of the customers, the reader gets confused about what you are trying to say.

Secondly, the author asserts that opening a cafe in the store can attract more customers, but he fails to consider other factors that may affect the store's business.

---- in the prompt, the store refers to the book store.

opening storea cafe does not necessarily help boost Monarch Books business.

You write well :)
dumi   
Jul 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young careless drivers_agree? [9]

You display excellent writing skills and I enjoyed reading your essay. However, I got confused withe following;

However, I do not entirely agree with this statement.

This implies the reader that you are not in agreement with the statement that teaching children about safe driving is necessary. But in your body paras and the conclusion you support that argument.
dumi   
Jul 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS (academic) city living in the 21 century is stressful [7]

In either case, you are free to express your opinion. You need to either agree. disagree or take a moderate stance (i.e. you agree in certain cases and disagree in some) You can be more comfortable to take this moderate stance when the task sounds " To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement". But, in my knowledge, they don't make much of a difference.

: )
dumi   
Jul 2, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'unnecessory and unethical' - DEATH PENALTY ESSENTAL OR NOT? [7]

Many people believe that the only way to reduce crime and violence is practicing the execution of capital punishment (Why do they think like this? U should give more information here, for example u can talk about "religion", "traditional beliefs", and the like. )

this is a very good advice! The opening statement is very important for you to impress your reader about your writing skills. So make it strong!

.I totally disagree with this view because iI believe that there are many other possible ways to control violence and death penalty is definetly not one of themthat are more effective than the capital punishment .

dumi   
Jul 2, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS (academic) city living in the 21 century is stressful [7]

With the development with high-techtechnology and the improvement of living qualitiesstandards , more and more people crowed into city ,which leads to thean uncontrollable urbanization. Because of this, some of the largest cities must be fairly oppressiveturn into highly congested places in which toliving is a tough challengelive if you are short of money or unemployed. However, for those with disposable income, athe city provides a colorful environment which enables people to enjoy their modern lifestyle. In that case, I believe the advantages of urban living far outweigh from its shortcomings.

Your introductory para consists of all the features that are required for this task. You take a good entrance to the theme and briefly introduce it to the reader and then clearly state your opinion. However, you need to pay attention to your body paras and the conclusion. In some, you only throw examples without giving much emphasis on to your reason. For example;

Regarding shopping, as for me, rather than click on the Internet to get what I want, I prefer to browse and windowshop. The diversity shopping malls and super markets located in city centre really content me. What's more, a large city's scope of services even covers amounts of surrounding towns and benefit numerous people .

You begin the para with an example and your reason is not explained to the reader clearly. In this case, the reason is that urban cities offer more facilities and services. And you support this reason with the example of shopping malls. In IELTS and TOEFL they expect you to give your reasons for your opinion and then support them with examples. So follow that order. Then you can stretch out your body paras and meet their required word count. If you can come up with two reasons (one reason per body para) that would be more than enough for this task.

Finally, sum up everything what you talked about in your previous paras and reinstate your opinion in your conclusion.
Also it's good idea if you read other's essays that you find in this forum. They would help you have an idea about IELTS essay structure and more arguments : )
dumi   
Jul 2, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'industrial dominance society' - The extended family is less important now [2]

With the advent ofrapid industrialization of thedominance society, there are much smallerthe families in the cities became much smaller units . In other words, fewer people are living in large households now. In my opinion, it is absolutely true that the extended family plays a less essentialimportant role than it did in the past for three reasons: the independence ofin financial ability, the convenience of communication technology , and the awareness of privacy right.

To begin with, no matter what the gender or educational statusbackground is, almost everyone has her own professionsome earning capacity , which means thatenables them to lead an independent livesone person canlive a solitarylife without family members'any financial suppylassistance from their families. In contrast, many people of previous eras had to rely on ancestors' or parents'other family members for earning their livelihood, especiallyfarm in the agricultural society, having to live with their family.

dumi   
Jul 2, 2012
Scholarship / (Dance Performance Major) Personal Statement for 2013 AMA Scholarship [7]

In this battlefield called life, good things won't come withhappen like magic.(make a full stop here)tT hey require hardworking, determination, perseveranceand sometimes fighting out all odds by sacrificing many pleasures , suffering and even agony .

fine start : ).... I changed the tone with a positive note because this is the chance you've got to convince the reader about your strengths
dumi   
Jul 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / My (Ever-Changing) Neighborhood - Windows on Williams [5]

Instead of tea parties, I held book club meetings and read to my closest friends, Miss Barbie and Mister Banana-shaped Pillow. At an early age, I learned the value of knowledge and solitude.

------------ BEAUTIFUL : )

As a reader I think this is good piece of writing.

------------ me too : )

I became fluent atin the new language in less than 3 months.

Looking back, my life has led me to many unexpected places, but it has also prepared me for anywhere it will take me next.

-- IMPRESSIVE : )

fragments of a picture that can't be wholeput together to make a complete picture .

From my prospectiveperspective , however, the opposite is true this is quite contrary.

-------- make this sentence stronger :)


This mosaic of memories and moments pieces together shaped the person who I am, and I would not change it for the world.

------------ The part in bold is a bit confusing for me... what are you trying to say?

Anyway, beautiful writing and I enjoyed your style of presenting ideas. A good essay !
dumi   
Jul 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Stressful jobs and long working day_problem and solutions [7]

This essay will point outI wish to discuss two main causes for this issue and suggest some possible solutionsto address them .

- ----- Say this differently :)

high unemployment rate and the urge to make more money are the two reasons for this trend.

Therefore, it would be much easier for a company to hire someone elseinsteadin place of some one who cannot fulfill his tasks at work.

Secondly, the prices of mostly every product and services are increasing day by day.

----------- This is my suggestion;
Secondly, the inflation is catching up day by day and therefore the cost of living is ever increasing.

Good ideas again :)

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