Undergraduate / 'New opportunities and new experiences' - Dear Roommate - Babson Supplement [3]

Good morning.

This is a great letter. You do a good job of "talking" to this person. You cover all of the points requested in the prompt, and I especially like where you discuss what it is you expect out of the other "person." Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Individuality, Notre Dame Supplement [3]

Good morning.

This is a very good essay. You do a great job explaining what makes you different from your peers, but not much time explaining how this will shape your contribution to the Notre Dame community. You could add on another paragraph explaining how you think your perspective will contribute and change the campus, or you can work it into the existing sections. Either way, this addition will make your response more appropriate, as well as much stronger. Good job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Question- Evaluate the influence your family has had on you. [3]

Good morning.

I think your opening sentence (as well as the introductory paragraph) are very strong. Your voice is confident, and it seems as though it is a clear indicator of what you will discuss in your essay.

Your second paragraph is also strong; you have good organization and flow. You are staying on topic and the sentences are fluid.
Your closing paragraph is excellent, and your closing paragraph continues the strength of the essay. Your tone is very somber, so your audience can clearly see the importance of your subject matter. You do a great job evaluating how your family has impacted you; you value people in life more than money, and you have a great perspective as to what is most important to your future.

I think this will make a wonderful admissions essay; I wouldn't change a thing. Great work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / The use of contractions in my admission essay / I am vs. I'm [5]

The use of contractions is largely inappropriate in formal academic writing. Many instructors will count off for their use, as it is seen as too informal and disrespectful. Therefore, avoid them in your formal academic writings.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "more valuable than winning a contest" - a significant experience, its impact on you [7]

You're very welcome. I don't think there's any redundancy in the piece, and if you feel you could add more evaluation to the piece, then that is always a good thing.

Undergraduate / Interest in math and science essay...caltech [3]

Good evening.

You've got a great opening and closing; they are both humorous and attention getting while simultaneously tying the content up neatly. Your content is not overwhelmingly riddled with overly-scientific words, staying well within your readers' comfort zones, but sprinkled in enough so that they know you know what you are talking about.

It is clear that you express your enthusiasm about this subject matter by dedicating hundreds of hours digesting materials that much older students would have a difficult time with, and put that knowledge to good use; entering a competition that displays your work to others, allowing them to benefit from it as well. This is a very effective and appropriate essay, and I think it is a wonderful response to the prompt. I wouldn't change anything. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Georgetown question: disscussion of "Significance" [3]

They want you to evaluate how important to you and to the outside world the activities you spend your extra time doing are. You will need to briefly describe the activity before delving into its significance, but don't spend a lot of time telling detailed stories about assorted times you've done this activity.

Significance means its importance to you and your life, as well as its influence on you and the way you live your life. It also means how it impacts others; for instance, if it is a volunteering activity, you should also focus on the significance (importance) of your donated time to the people it directly effects. What makes this activity so important to you and those around you? Why is it important to your world?

I hope this helps you get started.

Undergraduate / "more valuable than winning a contest" - a significant experience, its impact on you [7]

Good evening.

Here are my thoughts:

"After a deep breath, I walked onto the stage. The..."

"..was "2008: I'm learning."

"...said to myself, "Y ou flew..."

"...I told myself, "I f the experience..."

Very nice work; a great response to the prompt. You are very descriptive of both the event and its impact on you; how you have changed your ways of thinking. Good job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Duquesne University essay; You never know what event in your life is going to change your life. [4]

Good evening.

Pharmacists give some patient consultations and develop important relationships with their patients.

Nice job. A good response to the prompt. Well organized and planned, with a good intro and conclusion. You tie these two seemingly unrelated topics up very nicely. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 150 Word essay about violin learning is 154 [2]

Good evening.

Mechanically and grammatically the piece is clean; the paragraphs are well structured and nicely organized. You use transitions well, and it looks like it will be a good start to a great essay. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Finding the college of my dreams is not a simple task; why transfer? [2]

Good evening.

I think your response is truthful while still being respectful, a very good response to their question. Mechanically it is clean, and I wouldn't change a thing. Nice work. Bet of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / MIT World I come from essay - a whirlwind of emotions and cultures [2]

My first encounter with change was at age four. Born and brought up in Nagoya, Japan, I learned the Oriental language and their etiquette . Before I knew it, I was outside of an airport in Baltimore, Maryland-crisp, salty ocean wind buffeted my infant face while change maliciously stared at me through a myriad of pedestrians. (Removed) That was my first confrontation with change, and honestly, without the public pool a block away, I don't think I would've made it. There I made a friend named Michael who was obsessed with prairie dogs and Play-Doh. I also learned the English alphabet with relative ease, and life was beginning to get better. I shared my first year in America with Michael; summer days at the pool, winter nights in my living room-I was fitting into society.

However, my happiness was short-lived, as change swooped down on me again, this time taking me back to Japan. Then I was whisked to China, back to Japan, and again to the US. Change was at my heels, stalking me without rest. It was a constant cycle of making friends, learning where the bathroom was in the dark of the night, and losing everything over and over again.

Nine years ago, I thought I had finally escaped change; I had moved to Columbia, Missouri, and my parents told me I would graduate high school here. (Removed) However, change would not leave me alone. Even in the same town, I've lived in three houses, losing neighbors and familiar backyards along the way. Change never gave me a break, and it seemed for my entire life I would have to adapt to new surroundings.

Some would say it must have been hard, but I see it as a blessing, an opportunity to overcome a challenge not offered to everyone. Change won't haunt me for the rest of my life; it was a ridiculous thought, to actually have to move and lose everything every couple of years for all my life. Rather, I see now that during our travels, change left me with the skills needed to handle almost any situation. I'm more independent due to lack of friends and anyone to rely on every time I moved; I treasure everything, because I never knew when I would lose them; I became good at adapting to new environments without much difficulty. (Removed) Give me a map, food, and a place to sleep and I'll manage.

I'm grateful for change and all it's done for me, despite the bitterness I bottled up while I was growing up. I won't experience life like all the other kids; my world was jumbled and stirred like all the fruits in a smoothie and I was left to piece everything back together. However, through the hardships, I became a versatile individual. I'll start college next year, but that's nothing new-my world is already a calm world full of change."

This gets you to 550 exactly (if I counted right). Also, I like the typo at the end-it makes sense, and gives your conclusion a nice twist. I left it as is :)

I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / "Do you play basketball?" - Trying to get into UF. [5]

Alright :) Let's see:

"My mother, a c aucasian, met..." This doesn't have to be capitalized.

"...elderly Caucasian woman was standing..."

"My parents have instilled this quality in me, and I feel that my ability to do my own thing and..." I know what you mean, and so will others, but this is still a pretty casual phrase here, especially for a formal essay. How about rewording it to something like, "that my ability to think and act for myself" or "that my ability to do what is best and right for me, regardless of others' opinions" or the like.

I like the changes! Great work! Keep it up!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "favorite quotation from an essay or book" - Princetone University (needs revision) [4]

Thank you. Now it makes a more complete picture for me as well as others on this site, and we can all give you more specific feedback :)

I think your essay highlights this quote very well. You have good explication and tie it into your essay very nicely. With the suggested clean-up, I think your piece will be very good indeed. Keep up the hard work.

Undergraduate / 'Tears falling from eyes' - common--personal essay: my own topic [2]

"...often say this to awaken us students. I would then look more closely on the music piece in an attempt to discover a hidden story, but without success."

"By any means, I drew a circle to indicate a need of caution and tried to lessen the cacophony ..." Great word!

"The process of my improvement was very subtle. However, I was making progress; though playing correctly, Ineededthe calmpatience parents who are awaiting their baby's first steps always seem to possess. "

"As I worked hard and made fewer mistakes I began to feel no need of "circle marks; " I began to perceive something different."

"...a good daughter, friend, and a student who solves a chapter review question to do well on the c alculus test."

"...my efforts will not pay off."

"...but rather add something to it , imposing a sense of reality from their imperfections."

"...effort I put forth will..."

"...I did atDisneyLand and..."

"...extra-special one ."

Nice work!

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Good evening.

Well, if your audience is familiar with your first essay, you absolutely can refer to it in your second piece. If, on the other hand, the audience has had no exposure to the first piece it would make your references to it rather cloudy and lose some of your audience, and in that case you should include at least the most important topics of your first essay in a brief overview so that your audience will be somewhat familiar with the material.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Common app personal essay: selecting a topic for significant experience [8]

Good evening.

I suggest discussing your brother's departure and how it has impacted you. You can discuss how your life was before he left (what was good, what was bad) and then how things changed after he left (what was better, what was worse) and, most important of all, how you handled these changes in your life. It will present you as a deeper, more dimensioned person that if you discuss one single faceted event and it's singular impact on you. The other topic allows you to discover and discuss more than one area of impact, giving much more valuable content to your admissions board.

I hope this helps you decide!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Brown Early Decision Essay-any advice and constructive criticism welcome [3]

"...over w inter b ]reak..." As this is neither a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence, it should not be capitalized.

"My Grandfatherwas..."

"...necessary evil in Taiwan; that their..."

"What I had learned in class and what I..."

"That instant, I understood what Historywas really..."

Your content is very well organized and introspective. You use a good example to illustrate your point, and your intro and conclusion are very apt for this piece.

Writing Feedback / Successful organization / Something what seems to be is not always the same as it actually is? [2]

Good evening.

"...jobs and get promoted ."

"...employees in this company begi n to ..."

"...individualism propelled Enron and..."

"...Swan，shuttle and fish..." I'm not sure what this is; if it is the title of a book, make sure it is formatted correctly. If not, it shouldn't be capitalized. Also, there should be commas after each item in the series.

"...their own goals, and in the end (Remove comma) they achieve nothing."

"Group means that members should form an integrity and only if they pursue one goal, a group can be successful." I would remove this and leave the last illustrative paragraph as your closing. It works well, and this last sentence seems a bit too much.

"...They are inclined to believe their..."

"...woman who believed only her eyes and never believed ..." This piece is told in the past tense, yet you switch to present tense in this sentence. Make sure you stay in one tense throughout the entirety of your text.

"My home was far from school, so I was always late for school in my childhood."

"...an injured cat lying near the street, screaming."

"...of oversleeping ."

"...the e ast and set at w est, and..." As these are neither proper nouns nor the first words of sentences, they should not be capitalized.

"...that the sun moved around the earth, which made the earth seem as though it were the center of the universe. "

"...Bruno's conclusion is right today."

"...from mere observation, which substantiates that..."

"...I think (Remove comma) it is right..."

Two very good essays. Nice examples, good flow, great responses to the prompts. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Key Club international; Extracurricular Short Essay (COMMON APP) [2]

"As an officer of Key Club international, I learned integrity and compromise . Integrity is always with me, except by being an officer and having to set up projects, I have learned how to talk with other people and compromise with their ideas and make my ears open to discussionrather than just thinking about my projects and my opinions toward certain things."

I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / How will college ed. help you achieve personal+professional goals? [Purdue] [8]

You're welcome. Your changes will improve your essay very much; it is much more linear and on target. If you have personal goals like personality development for our college years, this would be a great place to write about them. Give them their own paragraphs so they are clearly set aside from your professional goals, and a more well-rounded essay will be the result. Great work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Do these sentences make sense? Can I change the wording? [2]

Let's see:

1. Fine as it is.

2. Nurses ...fine from there out.

3. Fine.

4. Instead of a comma after "expectations" a semi colon would be more appropriate.

5. After "problems" end the sentence with a period. Make "this" the first word of the new sentence. It could be reworded as such: "This way they are dealt with by the family and blaming is reduced. The nurse should assist the family in setting realistic goals, as this helps the family gain control over the situation."

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Classical Essay - Abortion The Right to Choose [3]

Good afternoon.

You've got a good essay here with some good points, and it could use a fair amount of editing. I'll help get you started, then let you do the rest:

Mechanically, a few things. First, avoid using "etc." Write out your list with enough examples to get your point across.
Second, your topic sentence of your second paragraph has nothing to do with the content of that paragraph. Rewrite it so that it fits, or remove it all together.

You use a lot of data in this essay; where are your sources for these statistics? For instance, where did you find the information contained in the third paragraph? Proper citation not only strengthens your essay by making it more credible, it helps you avoid accusations of plagiarism.

Make sure you are using the correct form of words; for instance, "...who gets pregnant early...", "...Death rates during...", or "...girl who was raped , we...". If you are writing in present tense, make sure all of your subjects and verbs agree with that tense.

Avoid run on sentences: "
If the woman doesn't want the baby but she does not have an abortion she is forced to give over her body as a life support system to something else; she may resent the child unfairly for the burden it has placed upon her."

Make sure you place your punctuation inside of your quotation marks when using them. For instance, "pro-choice", should be "pro-choice," . I've actually never heard the term "anti-choice." I've always heard it referred to as "pro-life." Interesting.

"...she is a murder..." should be "...she is a murderer ..."
"Saying just because she made the mistake or more of wrong choice of having sex and making her suffer with the burden of keeping the child is wrong. Making women live with the decision and give up the rest of their life would be inequality because she did not get to live the life that she wanted." This is confusing to me. Perhaps you mean "Saying just because she made the mistake of a wrong choice, having unprotected sex, she must suffer the burden of keeping the child, is wrong. Making women live with this mistake and give up the rest of their life would be unfair because she did not get to live the life that she wanted"? Or something like that? Please clarify.

I think you've covered the three reasons, but do you have to answer with your opposition's possible response to them? If so, that requirement hasn't been met.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Diversity to me is an intrinsic part of life; a lifelong learning essay [3]

Good afternoon.

It seems a bit disorganized. Are you trying to explain these events in the order in which they happened? If so, it is a bit confusing. Perhaps you can try to group them together in terms of their relativity to each other. For instance, keep the extra curricular activities to one paragraph, your history to another, and so on. As it is, you're kinda all over the place.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / my first two years of high school - Another UF Essay [2]

Good afternoon.

This is an excellent essay. Mechanically it is clean; it is well organized, with tightly structured paragraphs. You use good transitions, which result in an excellent overall flow. Your conclusion and introduction are very neat and effective, presenting a well arranged body. Your content answers the prompt very well, as it addresses every point presented and gives descriptive examples. You relate this experience to what you hope for in college, and do so with an appropriate level of self-evaluation. Very nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay question: Why do People Buy? [6]

Good afternoon.

That is a great question. Why do you buy things? What makes you decide that you "have" to have something?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I was ranked 1,569 in Maharashtra; Personal Statement - Physics&Math [6]

Good afternoon.

I hope, as Sarah suggested, that you have read the terms of service for the site, as they should answer many of your questions. We are unable to block, change, or remove member names. Once they are created in the system, we are unable to modify them.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Young people are no longer interested in religion.' What is your view? [6]

ThuyChi,

You are a very good judge of character, as I have been a teacher and am currently an assistant professor :)

Even when you are "finished" with a piece of writing and have turned it in, whether it be to a publisher or a teacher, it is always an "unfinished puzzle." You have that exactly right. Keep your head up and keep working hard; good things are bound to happen to you.

Essays / Current events for American Federal Government Term Paper [4]

Good evening.

From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

You could begin with some internet research; performing searches using the keywords "current events, American federal government" and then the months "August, September, November" in order to see what is already out there.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Undergraduate dissertation about the Scottish Oil Industry [2]

Good afternoon.

From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

Whether or not it is too vague or overrated will be determined by the requirements for the class or assignment. This is probably a discussion you should be having with your instructor, who could give you far more appropriate advise, specific to his or her expectations.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Without academic excellence, most students nowadays are squeezed out of the competition [3]

I think your paragraphs are appropriate lengths; if you divide the essay further you risk making the flow too choppy and therefore distracting to your readers. Your conclusion works because it effectively restates your main points discussed in the paper; if you add new information in it to add length, then it will no longer be a conclusion paragraph. As far as fallacies, you back up your opinions with examples, therefore substantiating your assertions. Why do you think it is weak? The only weakness I can spot is the fact you use in the paper that needs a citation to strengthen it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / What is a good title for an analysis essay? [5]

Good afternoon.

If it is a concise research paper, perhaps "The Role of History in 'Everything That Rises Must Converge' and 'Babylon Revisited'" would be most appropriate. It is long, but it is very specific; if your paper is such, it might work best.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Sunflower-yellow rice,green peas,red peppfood&black shells of mussels; Culture UC [2]

Good afternoon.

I really like your essay, but it is somewhat disconnected. I am not sure what the food has to do with foolish romanticism :)
I'm sure you're not finished, so if you can make sure you link your cuisine throughout the essay to make it linear, it will be fantastic. You're off to a great start. One mechanical correction: "Paella" shouldn't be capitalized.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / One Character (C. Jefferson) from 'The Body In The Library' by A. Christie [2]

Good afternoon.

Your post is quite confusing. If you are looking for information on the character of Conway Jefferson out of The Body in the Library by Agatha Christie, I suggest you do a little bit of online research. Christie is a very popular author, and this is one of her most beloved Miss Marple Mysteries, so there is a lot of information out there. It was even turned into a TV movie. You can start out by searching for the book title, and then also by the character name. Since I'm not sure what you really need, I suggest you start there.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Young people are no longer interested in religion.' What is your view? [6]

OK, the first thing I'm going to say to you is that if you are afraid of failing you won't ever get anywhere; it is like treading water. The fact that you are working as hard as you are shows initiative and drive, and you are clearly applying yourself. That is all you need to improve. Your teacher is right; the only way we get better at ANYTHING is to keep doing it. Ignore those (including your guardian) that are telling you that you will fail. Negative thoughts are like weeds; once they take root they don't ever let go, and then they grow and multiply, and before you can get a hold of them, they have taken over. Keep your head down and charge through; you will absolutely succeed.

Just a note: when I change your essay to red that doesn't mean anything bad; it just means I want your attention on that spot for one reason or another. I just think it's easier to show you things if they're different colors :)

Excellent point with great explanation. If you want to evaluate more deeply, you could add a paragraph about how you feel that older individuals feel that going to church and practicing their religion is a "duty."

If you can get a hold of a copy, The Little, Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron would be a great tool for you that I think would help you out immensely. You might be able to check it out from a library, or you can find it for sale on Amazon. This is a great book that covers everything from spelling and mechanics to clarity and style; any questions you have I'll guarantee you can find in this book. Another good one is The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers by Stephen Reid. It's much cheaper but you could also probably find this one at the library.

I hope this helps.

Essays / Do you think policemen should be paid more or less money in Turkey? [4]

Congratulations! Good work! See, you can do it, no problem! Keep up your hard work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / PS for Common App: Breaking Out. or cont. father's influence on me [2]

Good afternoon.

I think your first essay is a good one. It's a good story that illustrates your subject. If possible, cutting down on the dialogue would help the potency of your dialogue, helping this essay stand out more. Instead of the actual dialogue of "Dad! Dad! Dad! You would not believe this! I entered the competition and guess which place I won?", before he answered me, I went on, "First place! Can you believe it? Can you believe your daughter won FIRST PLACE!?" How about summarizing it without the dialogue, but leaving the dialogue as it is for your dad's response? That will highlight his response to you, making it stand out more, giving it more "zing", if you will :)

The same thing here. Instead of Before we entered the house, I asked my father again, "You really knew I was going to win?" How about something like, "Before we entered the house, I asked my father again if he really knew I was going to win. He said,..." and then use the actual quote.

As to the second essay, it's hard to tell because it's not finished :) I think it's got great potential, but see what you think of it when it's done.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / I wish to pursue my graduate studies at your esteemed university; my draft of SoP (Computer science) [2]

... excelled in programming-related subjects like System Programming, Computer Theory, Information Systems and Programming Languages.None of these should be capitalized. However, My research interest was (...) and neural network s so my undergraduate research topic was ZZZ, which is a study (...) quantity of x-rays necessary for chest x-rays using digital image processing and the support vector machine theory. Doing undergraduate research gave me valuable experience anda better understanding of the method of researching. (Removed-unnecessary information)

... information for businesses and professionals, I am working as a quality assurance engineer in theInformation Management System domain. Working at AAA over two years has helped me improve my expertise in software engineering, especially software testing, in the real world.

What do you mean by "graduate assistanceship?" Do you mean an internship? If so, you could say something like, "I am also very interested in any internship programs available within this area of study" or "The internships provided for this program are of the utmost interest to me."

I hope this helps.

Grammar, Usage / Magazine's periodicity - the correct term? [4]

It doesn't matter what type of periodical it is (magazine, journal, etc.); they are still referred to as "serials" or one of the more descriptive choices above. What do you mean by "at the editorial or together with the publications' information?"

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay to gain sponsorship for Honours degree in Business Studies [3]

Let me explain in details about this degree course. The program is organized by DIT in conjunction with XXX - thanks to my previous education I started at year two and I was exempted from two subjects."This is not a good conclusion. I'm not sure if this is your conclusion or if you are still working on it, but make sure your conclusion does not contain any new information, but instead reiterates and restates the main telling points of your essay and ties everything together for your readers.