Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]


Well.... I feel this is ok Ahmad.... why do you suggest so?

Writing Feedback / Those who make the room clean and dirty are more successful in the future. [3]

What is the task prompt? It helps us giving you our comments and feedback :)

Writing Feedback / More and more young people are turning to drugs. reasons and solutions [8]

Yes... By reading the essays others have written, you can improve your writing a lot. They help you come out with good arguments, provide you hints and tips. Also you get exposed to different writing styles. You can find many good essays in this forum. If you pay attention to the comments provided for them, you can get lots of tips to improve your writing. Hope these are useful :)

Are you preparing for TOEFL , IELTS or GRE ?

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]


- natural talent


-------- here you use the word ''sponsor'' as a noun which very very rarely happens in usage. That may sometimes tend to confuse the reader as it happened to me :)

Also this sentence has other issues too.... What do you mean by '' The sponsor usually seek for true passion in a particular field '' ?
I believe that I amhave adequate reasons and well deserve this scholarship

I graduated from one of the most gifted high school in my countrys


-------- this may work against your chances of getting the scholarship

BothmM y parents bothcamecome from poor families but they worked their heart out to give me and my brother such asa good living conditions as possible .

Your ideas need better organization and presentation in order to convince the selection panel. I suggest you to answer in the lines they have mentioned ;why do you deserve the scholarship, how will the program improve your career, educational and personal goals

Go according to that order. For example. why do you deserve the scholarship? You can tell about how passionate you are in continuing your studies and the obstacles you face such as financial constraints, family background etc.

Likewise have one para for each prompt.

Try to avoid too many negative sentiments about you :)

Essays / How to start Essay Describing yourself in 250 words for a summer course (Engineer) [6]


well.... I think this is the reason why you want to participate in it despite of all odds :) ... talk about it - ask yourself why you liked this subject so much, how it inspired you, what efforts you made to gather knowledge in this area ... you'll surely have loads of reasons. I believe you can have a very interesting story for us to read :)

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure," functions of governments [4]


--------- health experts; healthy experts means that experts are healthy

well.... your intro has a few issues ; First it gives the reader an impression as if it is a bit deviated from the task prompt which is "Prevention is better than cure".

Second point is that in the intro you do not specifically say whether you agree with this argument or not, which you are supposed to do as per the question. So, the reader is vague about your opinion. You say that you agree with the Heath experts and try to indirectly tell the reader that you believe prevention is important. But the reader is not told about your view on this argument; which is better than the other. You need to specifically say, whether you agree/ disagree or take a moderate stance.

Writing Feedback / More and more young people are turning to drugs. reasons and solutions [8]

although using drugs obviously have a negative effect on their lifelives.


a lot of elements from various sources ----------- this confuses the reader and make him feel that you have used inappropriate words. Why not simply tell '' a lot of reasons ''?

strategies are being created ------------ strategies are being adopted

the increasing use of drugs among teenagers can be put down tocaused by curiosity.


----------- very true


I feel this should come to your introduction. In body paras you need to give reasons for why youth getting attracted drugs and what remedial actions can be taken to save them from this ill fortune.

Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]


no comma between place and where


------- idea is not clear .... what do you mean?


---------- we need, he needs (typo :D)


------ every nation, all nations

You don't specifically state whether you agree or not as asked by the prompt. The reader gets the impression that you are supporting the argument, but better say it directly in your introductory para.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 'man should share evenly household chores' [3]


Both these paras should go into one introductory para. Your first paragraph, the introductory para, should contain a brief introduction to the topic, a clear statement on what your opinion on the argument, and if possible a brief introduction about your reasons to have that opinion. You have all those important features of an introduction in these two paras. So, make it one paragraph :)

With the society developing, the majority of women have a full time job, instead of them staying at home to do the housework and take care of the baby.babies.

BasicBased on this situation, some experts point out that the husband should share evenly the job at home with the wife.the household activities evenly with his wife in order to have a harmonious family life. :)

basic means fundamental, essential, prime etc. e.g. Food, cloth and shelter are the three basic human needs;

base/basis - meaning the foundation upon which something rests.
e.g. 1) Army base , .... here the word base acts as a noun
2)These are my conclusions based on my experience... here it acts as a verb
3) I believe they recruit people on gender basis


.... I really support


--------------- say this a bit differently'
The most important reason is that a man is physically stronger than a woman in nature.---------- don't talk about the height.... of course there are women who are taller than men :D

Letters / (Customer Service Representative position) - my cover letter for a bank teller [4]


I have built a strong foundation in the field of finance and also learned how to be pro-active to overcome the possible obstacles in the business world. -------------- I just tried to say something relevant to your studies...for this sentence, you need to establish a link with your academic background. .... Polish it as you like because you are the best person to know what you have gained from your studies that can help you perform better in this bank. :)


------ strong point and nicely presented :)

Providing excellent customer service is vital in banking and that is precisely what I will offer when I get hired by XXX.if I get an opportunity to join your prestigious organization.


I suggest;
conducted surveys to assess the expected demand

We greatly exceeded our goalstargeted budgets,


This exposure not only helped me gain skills such as interpersonal, attention to detail (i included this because you talked of checking accuracy and reliability of payments ) and target oriented but also made me a confident team player.

Good Job and good luck!
:)

Undergraduate / Argument Essay about Class rank for ApplyTexas Topic A essay [2]

In my opinion, the class rank system does not giveoffer equal opportunities to all students, and can lead to the acceptance of students who are not as well prepared as others.


------ I prefer the word '' applications '' to ''applicants''

Just check whether it is '' class rank system '' or ''student ranking system'' :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Stop smoking in public places, life is a circle between before and after [3]

in addition to making a lot of trialsefforts that include legal enforcement to curb to prohibit bad feedback of smoking on the earth due to its ill effects to the human body.


tradition or fashion? .... I think fashion is more appropriate


--------- has been knowing
although man has been knowing its life threatening effects

Graduate / 'An excellent academic center' - SOP materials [2]


This is a poor opening statement which does not reveal any information about you to the reader. Everything there seems to be vague and poorly presented. You can consider removing this entire sentence.

Tell the reader what is your area of interest, how your passion for this field developed and what are your future aspirations, what you want to be, how this graduate studies going to help you with achieving your dream...

The opening para needs to be very strong. It should tempt the reader to follow the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / pluralism in the society [3]


communities live and community lives :)


Good suggestion Islam !


We face , We are facing


Again a good suggestion :)

.... neither of human rights

pay more attention to grammar :)

Scholarship / 'proven myself in the past' - 300 Word Scholarship Demonstrating Financial Need [3]


You can this even stronger.... It is your opening statement and you are going to convince them that you really deserve this scholarship. Try and take the selection panel on an emotional ride :) ;

This is just a suggestion of mine... You need to further polish it;
I always dreamed of furthering my studies in an American University. However, this is always a tough decision for someone who belongs to middle class in a developing country. Knowing my passion and desire for continuing my highest studies, my parents came forward to support me with their savings of entire lifetime.

I feel it's better if you give more reasons for why you are so passionate about studying further (specify your field and your dream career) and also why you want to study in America... the panel would be interested to know these things. What you have written mostly talk about your financial difficulties, but in my opinion, it should include statements to convince the panel that you are deserving case to study at their uni. For that you need to talk about your credentials, outstanding performances, desires, passions, constraints in your home country etc.

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- 'reducing the amount of rubbish produced' [3]


Inhibit is the right word - not inhabit. Also inflation is a wrong word to use here. Inflation means upward price movement of commodities. So you cannot use this word here. Again ''provide actions'' doesn't sound proper. Actions go with the verb - take. So;

governments take very limited actions to inhibit production of rubbish.

Thus, it is a must for everyone to take another look forat his or her actions towards the environment,

Writing Feedback / Complain about a bad product or service in writing or in person??? [4]


I prefer if you remove the part - '' hard to say which method is better'' .... it does not seem to add much value to your idea and also it disturbs its flow :(

It also enables themone(since you used 'he' in the earlier sentence, keep this singular) to avoid unpleasant conversation . confrontations.-------- confrontation is a better word to use here.

For instance, suppose that you area man is on a business trip in a foreign country and you find your mobile service provider has not activatedhismobile phone cannot useroaming service on your mobile.tT hen writing a letter is an excellent way to complain and ask therequest your service providerMobile operator in hisyour country to enable that service for him.activate the service immediately.


------- complain is the verb while complaint is the noun. So ;
If one has complaints


Say this a bit differently keeping a close link to your reason;
This method helps when one expects a quick response from a company with regard his/ her complaint about a company product. In this scenario, writing a letter would not meet his/her expectation because the company may at least take several days for its response to the letter.


--------- both ways of complaining


-------------- good ending :)


----------- how he/she wants to handle it.

Undergraduate / My daughter is my significant influence [5]


---------- either or , neither nor
,nor neither the things she tells me


----------------- ''an'' comes in front of words that start with vowels (i.e. the words starts with a, e,i, o, u ) for the rest you should have 'a' For example; an apple, a better person

I will not be the first nor last to say that being a teen mother is not an easy thing to dohandle but it does make you grow up a lot faster. ---------- good :)

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]

Well.... there's nothing wrong with your English.... You have provided a deep account of your credentials and experience. Also about your future aspirations and why you are keen on doing at their uni... However, I believe you can still improve it's emotional appeal and show your talents in creativity :)

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

You've done a good job bro :)

Writing Feedback / 'characteristics of societies while studying in big cities' - GRE issue essay [5]


--------- beautiful :)

when small cities, which are often devalued, too have an impact on societies too .

They lead a peaceful and less stressful lives .

On the contrary, we might not be able to see these attributes in those peoplewho living in major cities.


----------- hey.... god bless you if your examiner is from Manhattan :P

Just one point - people live in small cities are more likely to reveal the cultural aspects of that society because the traditions and customs are mostly followed by the people in these areas :)

In contrast to the statement , big cities are very attractive to tourists.

TheyThere are millions of foreigners visiting Manhattan, New York every year.

Studying Manhattan might give the characteristics of different societies in the world, instead of getting the characteristics of a Manhattan society. ----------- good idea....You can use the word ''authenticity'' which means genuineness.

The authenticity of Manhattan society cannot be understood by studying the City of Manhattan due of its multicultural community.

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Hi Ahmad,

Well.... I must tell you that I'm not a chemistry lover and as I saw you have written about Mg-Al alloys, I moved to the other thread.... lol

Anyways.... how can I say no to your request because you are one of the most generous contributors here who spend a lot of your valuable time for the interest of other people. I really admire your commitment to help other people and the valuable feed backs you provide them with. :)

Coming back to your intro, I don't find any grammatical errors there. This is more academic writing and naturally you have limitations with displaying creativity there.


-------------- I prefer if you replace the word '' ones'' with the word ''industries''

The rest is really fine... You have presented it in a very comprehensible manner that any ordinary layman can understand what you talk of. That's really good. And all these going to be in one introductory para ?

Letters / Apology letter (hotel manager has no room for his customer) [4]


hey... I've done a major spelling error here :D
I mean right at the beginning of your letter, and not write .... sorry :D

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]


well.... then it's cool :)

Writing Feedback / 'drawbacks of pursuing an inappropriate course of study' - GRE practice essay [7]

sure Viviana... the best way I can.... :)

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]

Your English writing is really high quality :)
I could hardly find any mistake there :D

Just a few suggestions;


Driven by ....gain more practical exposure ------------- this part seems having a problem. Better re-phrase :)

it would be an invaluable opportunity for me to have such distinguished mentors and learn under their mentorship.guidance ------------- I doubt whether there is a word "mentorship"

Good luck!

Undergraduate / My daughter is my significant influence [5]


When you say my influence , it refers to your influence on another person... So you should say;

In fact I am influenced by one of you youngest people in my life.

Interesting :)

Letters / Apology letter (hotel manager has no room for his customer) [4]

Generally in apology letters you need to offer your apology write at the beginning of your letter. Then give explanation for what happened. Then talk about your actions to rectify the situation. You should write in a manner that convince the client that you are honest and your apology is ethical.

You can get loads of help if you google for apology letters. Do your letter and post it to the forum if you need our comments :)

Writing Feedback / 'nation's social development' - GRE Issue Task-- characteristics of a society [3]


------------ cultural features


-------------- by studying the cities that represent these characteristics.


-----------Interesting argument :)

While studying major cities can definitely provide a good amount of information about a nation, it ismay not a must to analyze themalways reveal the true picture of the actualin order to understand the whole society.


--------split this sentence into two to improve its clarity;
The most crucial features of a society, indeed, arecan be possessed by many non-major cities too . Therefore it is important to study the country as a whole in order to understand its society.

Interesting Introduction. Well presented :)

Writing Feedback / 'education, production and entertainment' - ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF COMPUTERS [7]


.... Sorry I have made a typo there :(

The most important area of our lives on which the computers have a positive influence is the education.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL (Business should hire employees for their entire lives) [6]


I always appreciate
I am always appreciating .... former is better

:)

Writing Feedback / 'education, production and entertainment' - ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF COMPUTERS [7]


------------ improve the organization of this sentence;
The most important are of our lives on which the computers have a positive influence is the education.

As a matter of fact, computer is a flexible and convenient learning tooldevice because of its large data storage capacity and portability. ------- a very good idea and a well written sentence :)

First of all, students can type onuse computers for their writing tasks more effectively, neatleffciently, and fast. For example, there are many programs like spelling and grammar checker installed on a computer;so it will take less time and effort to write, proofread and edit an essay or . In addition, childrenstudents can be draw shown charts, diagrams, figures or they can prepare power point presentationsto make the lessons more lively .

Secondly, today the Internet is globalconnects people around the world very fastso is very good ifand offersstudents unlimited access to any subject materialcan take advantage of the it to study.For instance, students can find on the internet the information of various subjects other than their school syllabus.

You have potential to improve a lot. Keep writing and you will :)

Essays / How to start Essay Describing yourself in 250 words for a summer course (Engineer) [6]

:)

There you are :D

Why is currencyexchange rate changing every day?Why are the oil prices fluctuateing every da y? How does share market works? These questions have always made me curious and kept me busy with finding answers. I have always beenand unconsciously I became interested in economics and trading.

Now tell your background while keeping the link to your passion for economics and trading .... you need to have a bit of brain storming session dear :) you can do it and you are the best person to do it... and then post to the forum and we can help you with improving :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL (Business should hire employees for their entire lives) [6]

When you practice for TOEFL writing independent task, follow healthy tips. One of which is to leave a blank line in between paras. That gives a nice tidy presentation to your essay and your examiner will like it. :) When you follow this when you practice, you would automatically do it at the exam too.

It is controversial issue to tellagree on that businesses should hire employees for their entire lives. -------- the word 'tell' is very frequently used in speaking, but it doesn't give much effect in writing :)

Those haveThis issue is like a double edged swords ,

and givewould createmore job opportunitieschance to new generations.


----------- this sounds a bit odd. It gives the reader the impression that you disagree with keeping employees life long because it enhances competence. But you wanted to mean the other way.... So you've got to tell;

The first reason I disagree with entire life hiring is because ofit hinders enhancing competence

Through out your essay, I notice that you have very good ideas. If you pay attention to vocabulary and grammar you can certainly go for a good score :)

Writing Feedback / Ielts - 'equal ability to compete in the society (males/females students' [3]

In nowadays society, gender has no longer been an obstacle for male and female to pursue their career or choose a courseof their choice.------- when you say pursue a career it automatically implies that they need to choose relevant courses for that.

However, Ii n some traditional societyies ,

However, In some traditional society, some people might still found that it was difficult to choose a career
were dominated by women, while others were mainly occupied by men. ----------------- good idea but presentation has issues - grammar, organization of ideas and the flow

some people might still foui nd ... or you should say some people might have found


------------- this is wrong ... due to is always followed by reasons ... here it should be - in some field.
This is my suggestion for this sentence;
However, in some traditional societies, some people still find that it is difficult to choose certain careers that are subject to gender domination.

Essays / How to start Essay Describing yourself in 250 words for a summer course (Engineer) [6]

Ok.... Why you want to participate in this summer program? What motivated you for that? Have that as the entry point to your essay... Introduce yourself in the introductory para, you can talk about your background, but very briefly and with a punch :) Then go to body paras to talk in details of each point - experience, your credentials and achievements, how you can be benefited by participating in this events etc... The more you can arouse the reader emotionally, the more you are closer to get this opportunity :D

However, I think there is no specific format we can suggest for you... It needs your creative ideas .... so why not do your draft and post it so that we can have a look and give our comments as to how you can improve it further :)

Writing Feedback / 'Inoculations against cow flu' - essay [4]

In these situations, evaluations decisions and considering all aspects of negatives and positives effects are required.Especially when it regards to humans lives.------------ I suggest you to say this slightly differently ;

In these situations it is important to evaluate positive and negative effects, considering all aspects of them, very carefully and then make appropriate decisions, especially with regard to human lives.

A numerous ofSome people

strength health ------------- is this some technical jargon? or you mean strong health?

For example, food that contains a lot of differentvariety of vitamins will boost a person's immune system.

In addition, not all people are able to do physical exercisesing and getting a forcegood health. ( better say '' maintain a healthy body'' rather than '' get a good health'')

Some of them havemay be already a diseasehaving serious health issues that prevent them from engaging in physical exercises, such as diabetes and cancer.

In fact, there is also a high possibility of death for people who dowhen a person does not inoculate against cow flu to die.

Writing Feedback / Contribution of artists and scientists are both important to society. [4]

Excellent Intro :)

Some people claim that scientists make way more contribution than artists do,


It reads better without this ... don't have to tell because reader knows you are going to convince him ... anyways, nice introduction :)

From the one hand,iI t is undoubtedly that art nourishes our souls, makes our mental lives diversified and healthier.moods positive and happier and helps people live mentally healthier lives.


---------------- beautiful :)

Movie, another the form of art, helps people to read a whole novel or a fiction in a lively way. -------------- helps read, help develop ( x to)

Having a romantic dinner followinged by a good movie in a favorite cinemais a typical way of enjoying life.would sooth one's mind.

... Be careful that you do not provide too many examples because you may run short of time to complete your essay. Here you can talk only about one form of art. So you can either choose literature or movie. But give a more specific example;

Personally, I am a great lover of literature; It has the ability to inspire me and alter my moods; it leaves lasting impressions and influence me to look at the world differently shaping me into a more sensible and sensitive person in the society.

scientists play no less important role.- -------------- a strong sentence

we can talk to our friends who isare thousands of kilometers farmiles away. ------------ well, i prefer miles because i belong to that era :P

, some one cannot say that artists' contribution to society is greater than those of scientists or vice verse. My opinion is that both typesartists and scientists play equal roles


------------ WOW! :)

Enjoyed reading ! Good Job!

Writing Feedback / 'drawbacks of pursuing an inappropriate course of study' - GRE practice essay [7]

Educational institutions, the pathway to success, are often held accountable inof leading their students to victory.

In order to achieve such expectation, these educational institutions are now infamous for imposing their ideal fields of study on students, regardless of the students' interests. ----------- you need to rephrase this sentence because your idea doesn't flow well... The reader is not clear about what you try to tell

Whether a student will succeed clearly depends on the future, and since nobody in the world can foresee the future, success and failure becomewould stay anthe unknown factor.

I think you should state your opinion whether you agree or not with this claim in a more comprehensible manner. You try to tell that you do not agree with the claim, but it sounds a little vague. Have a strong statement to emphasize your opinion. :)

Writing Feedback / 'going to live once' - IELTS: worst diet [6]

Pay attention to the grammar corrections that Vivian has suggested. Well-done Vivian! :)


This sentence is too long and you have tried to squeeze several ideas in it. So it doesn't deliver what you expect. Write short sentences and don't have too many ideas being told in one. That confuses the reader.