Writing Feedback / 'computers have found the diverse use in many fields' - IELTS essay [4]

Invention of computers has changed the way mankind interactsused to interact with themselves and with the environment. Moreover, they have found widespread use in almost all fields of human interventionsevery field such as education, health, transportation, construction etc.ThebulkyT edious calculationsbydone using paper and pencil has become the thingan exersise of the past,

Writing Feedback / Toefl: concentrate on the objectives - people attend schools for various reasons [4]

Fromor many centuries ago , universities have been playing an important role in ones' academic life. Different people attend university for different point of viewspurposes.In my perspectiveFrom my point of view, the three most important reasons are toincreasedenhance knowledge, career preparation and new experiences.prepare for career and gain new experiences.

Undergraduate / 'open and forward thinking' - Why UChicago? [5]

Even though I choose business as my main focus of study in university, I also retain a strong interested in Science, Literature, History, Anthropology, and Sociology.

As a thriving young individual, I believe UChicago is a perfect match for my objectives and ambitiones s and my admission to Uchicago will definitely enhance the distinct and foward-thinking quality of the student body.

Very well answered. GOOD LUCK!!

Undergraduate / 'Stanford sets the character limit' - Supplement Essay- Roommate [2]

I am Liu Chong from China, a freshman like you. I am very glad to share the room and to live together with you. But first let me introduce myself.------------------ This sounds a bit too formal and I feel you should add a bit more emotions to this section to cheer up your roommate and start liking you even before he meets you. So I suggest something like;

I am Liu Chong from China, the freshman who is gladly looking forward to sharing the room with you for the next four exciting years in our lives. I am sure that it would not be just the room we share but also many memories and experiences that would last for life long.

Admitted by Stanford, we must all have something unique. For me, my most important uniqueness is my great passion for science and engineering. So I hope that we can discuss about interesting science topics and help each other to have more insightful understanding. I am curious about you; what is your attribute that you cherish the most? ---------- I suggest you to reconsider about the unique part. Because, in my opinion, having a passion for science and engineering cannot be considered as somewhat unique about you. Many of your future collegues may share the same passion with you. So try to say it in a different way. You can say, if you like, that you believe he too shares the passion for science and engineering as you do becuase he too intends to major in that discipline and that would immensly help each other to prosper in your acadmic pursuit.

Undergraduate / 'potential of the liberal' - Bates Supplement Response [3]

"Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal arts"

My parents always tell me to follow my heart.------------------ The quoted statement favours liberal thinking. So I feel it's better that you show them you too are a liberal thinker rather than acting on advice of others. Why not say;

I always wanted to follow my heart.

GOOD LUCK!!

Undergraduate / 'I came to this world without anything' - Brown Supplement Essay [4]

I think your answer is too generalized. The prompt sounds that they expect you to be more specific with your example to show why you feel proud about that creation. It could be something physical or psychological. For example, it could be some object or machine, art work or even impression. Whatever it is, you should talk about a specific experience. TThis is my personal view and hope others too would give their ideas.

Writing Feedback / 'different people have different answer' - ielts task 2. definite happiness [4]

As to comprehend happiness, different people havedifferent answerdefine happiness differently. . ----------comprehend means understanding. So to understand happiness different people use different definitions.

A group of people go for the statementbelieve that the economic success is the most important and direct factor annotatethat is linked with happiness. Others, however, prefer to believe that the happiness is not based on economic success but is made upcontributed by many other factors.

In my view, happiness to most of people should be constitutedis mainly related withby three factors namely job satisfactorysatisfaction , peaceful and harmonious family life and economicbasefinancial stabilityin some extent . ------------------------ how about good health? even if you have all these factors and still a bad health condition, there wont be any happiness. I also think you should avoid job satisfaction because it is closely linked with financial soundness, though it too is a factor contributing to a person to be happy.

Undergraduate / Stanford: LETTER TO ROOMMATE- love, Chinese girl [2]

While reading legitimate Chinese texts are still a bit of a strugglea hard exercise for me to read , I adore my Hong Kong cartoons that are written in thebecause of their dialect and slang of modern Hong Kong andthat help capture the humor and mannerisms of theHongkong people there as well . I have many booksMy favourite collection of anLao Fu Zi , an older Cantonese comic series calledLao Fu Zi about a stereotypical Hong Kong old manfolk,whomakespresents Chinese traditions and modern culture in Asia seem very humorously . I actually love Asian stereotypes and they're not offensive to me because I have learned to appreciate my culture.

Graduate / 'Strong Academics' - Graduate SOP for Electrical Engineering [6]

No dear... I dont say it's weak. Your writing skills are of high quality and therefore have a good potential to come out with a great SOP. Let's keep improving it;

I would suggest you to arrange your flow as I mentioned earlier: First how your passion developed, Second how you pursued it and Third what it do for you in the future. So keep the passion as your main theme and link everything into it. It would surely flow beautifully with a more emotional appealing to your SOP.

I think you've nicely tackled the first. To show them how you pursued your passion, I think you should combine your second, third, fourth and fifth paras together and present them in about three paras. I feel the second and third paras are pretty too descriptive and you should combine them together and make it one para. Try to drain the essence of them and put in words just as interesting as you did in your first para. Let me help you with this;

Academics have always been my strong-hold. From kindergarten to the tenth grade, I studied in XXXX graduating highest in my school. Inspired by how the advances in the field of communication had radically changed the modern world, I took up Electronics and Communication at XXX. During my undergraduate studies, I acquired a comprehensive knowledge of the diverse fields of electronics and its applications in communication. I was granted a 50% scholarship by All India Council for Technical Education (AICTE) for all four years as I was among the top 11% of the girls.- ----------------------- You can easily get rid of the first three sentences which I have highlighted as they don't add much value to your SOP, in my opinion. The rest is ok... but i'd prefer if you could still trim it down a little bit. But don't forget to mention about the scholarship.

Academic setbacks have always propelled me to work harder in order to achieve excellent results. In the third semester, I found the subject Electromagnetic Waves very tough and failed to grasp even the most basic concepts. I, consequently, did very poorly in this subject. I can never forget the disappointment after looking at my grade card. However, this did not discourage me. I started this subject from scratch in my free time and obtained a clear understanding of the basics. Subsequently, I studied more subjects related to fields such as Antennas and Microwaves. I received good grades in both the subjects. Thus, electromagnetic fields became my area of interest. But the subject that fascinated me the most was Optical Fibre Communication. This subject has given me a comprehensive qualitative understanding of optical principles backed with the mathematics to quantify this understanding. I was one of the top students in this course, and I can confidently assert that I have turned my weakness into strength.--------------------in my view, the electromagnetic waves story is irrelevant. I know you brought it out to show that you would not be discouraged by setbacks and fight them out with hard work and commitment. But, it is not really necessary to say everything to them in such details here. You can briefly mention how you were able to turn your weak areas into high performing if you really wish.

I have always adopted an analytical approach in order to attain an in-depth understanding of the subject and its concepts. I believe this is very much essential to pursue a career in academia. I have actively participated in various technical workshops such as PCB Design, Line Follower Robot, etc. to reinforce the theoretical knowledge I gained. I interned at Honeywell Technology Solutions, Bangalore during my summer vacation. I worked on their security device Armor100 to localise it to Hindi. The objective of this project was to support Hindi interface to empower the Indian users to make full use of all the facilities offered by the device. The major components included Atmega32L microcontroller, a dot-matrix LCD and a matrix keypad. Interfacing was done through the SPI port. The keypad provided text entry in Hindi, and the LCD displayed Hindi content with good resolution. This was my first industry exposure, and the successful completion of the project was a matter of immense pride to me. As a part of the curriculum, I undertook a project on a metro rail prototype. The core of the project was an 8051 microcontroller with LCD and Buzzer interfacing. The objective of this project was to emulate a driverless metro train. I completed another project in Digital Image processing which required me to implement segmentation algorithms to make an automatic vehicle number plate recognition software. I am an avid reader of a number of technical journals like Journal of Optics and Optics Letters. These publications being a repository of knowledge stimulate me to be better qualified for research and also keep me informed about the recent breakthroughs. ------------------ I think you should leave this para intact. Everything said there seems important to me.

I have constantly endeavoured to involve myself in extracurricular activities. I spend my weekends at college volunteering with Voluntary Service Organisation (VSO). The VSO group visit orphanages and teach them to work with arts and crafts, and to dance. We also conduct cleaning campaigns and visit paediatric ward in the reputed XXX and entertain the sick children. Spending time with these kids made me realize that any contribution, no matter how small, is always appreciated. During my vacation, I volunteered with Lions Club over the period of three years. I have helped them organise blood donation camps, free eye surgery camps and also helped in creating mass awareness regarding eye donation. Community Work has taught me to be grateful for the everyday things that I often take for granted, and to strive for the things that I believe in. The experience and reward I have attained through work with the underprivileged, and with children in my community will allow me to contribute to similar programs in the XXX community.---------------- Wish you could say something at the beginning to link this exposure to theme "passion". Something like;

My serious involvement with extracurricular activities helped me build confidence to pursue my passion for ???????.... then support with what you did..

I must say, you display very high quality of English writing. If your flow is arranged with a little bit of trimming, this would be a great SOP. It's just not only your writing skills, you really possess lots of credentials to be a successful candidate for this course. Let me know if you need further feedback and I'm happy to help you with this SOP.

GOOD LUCK!!

Undergraduate / UVA - Favorite word & work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature [6]

I felt you have a word constraint coz you have said certain things very abruptly. Do you want any help with trimming your word count?

Graduate / 'Strong Academics' - Graduate SOP for Electrical Engineering [6]

I was in the 4th grade when I first looked through a kaleidoscope. Peering into the eye piece, I could see beautiful colours twirling inside the cylinder. The rich patterns enthralled me. It felt like magic in a tube. The kaleidoscope awakened a fascination for the behaviour oflL ight (Capitalize light) in me. Little did I know that this childhood fascination would become my area of specialization. ----------- Very impressive entrance to your SOP. You've written it beautifully. I feel you should break here and go to your next para 'cause this one beautifully deals with how your love was formed for your area of specialization. So combining it with another idea may reduce its effect .

Pursuit of knowledge has always been the thrusting force behind all of my achievements. My decision to study beyond an undergraduate degree study springs from my ultimate objective of becoming a professor. I wish to pursue my Masters at XXX's Electrical and Computer Engineering graduate program with a specialisation in Applied Optics and Photonics because of the multitude of interesting research areas and quality of the academic program .----------- I feel this section should come much later in your SOP 'cause it deals with what you want to do in future and why you want to follow this course. I feel the arrangement would be better if you first talk about how your passion was formed, how you pursued your passion (supported with your acadamic achievements) and then where you want your passion to take you in future. .

Further I feel that you have been too descriptive with some of the sections of this essay and in my view, it is not really appropriate for a SOP. Anyways, .... your writing style is interesting and let me know if you need any help in improving this .

Undergraduate / UVA - Favorite word & work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature [6]

When I reached home, still Icouldn'tpushstruggling to pass it to an unforgotten partforgotten section of my mind,.and so I decided to do my own little research. And with that one click on Google search button, everything changed. ---------- Interesting style of writing. I like it .

Do you have a word constraint for your answer?

Undergraduate / 'A glimpse of my best friend' - Wisconsin Madison personal statement [4]

While my mind wildbegan searching wildly for the memory that lies deep in my heart...I catchcaught a glimpse of my best friend. -------- A good start. But I feel you should keep it in past tense in order to avoid confusion of the reader.

An experience that really sticks out to me during my school year was when I helped a person that eventually givetaught me an invaluable lesson in myfor life.

It happened on the first day ofin school when I saw a new classmate from my class walking toward house from school. The boy wascaught the site of Liang Shang Zhi, a Chinese boy, who It looked like he was walking home carrying all his books after last school bell rang . I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring hometake all his books home on the first day of school ?

Undergraduate / 'technology advances so fast' - why Math, Science--Caltech Essay [3]

We live in a world were technology advances so fast the only constant is change itself. [i]----------I feel there may be typos here coz it is too confusing to understand your idea. [/i]

I have always being drawn to science-particularly engineering-because I am interestedbecause of my curiousity in understanding nature's mysterious ways.

I want to understand, for instance, why we can't have fusion right now-and the ways I can help, with appropriate instruction and guidance, to make it possible. ------------- I feel this sentence has a disturbing flow. Dont combine too many ideas in a sentence because it may hurt clarity .

Or, more eloquently, as Richard Feynman put it, "the inconceivable nature of nature".---------- Good quote

Undergraduate / BABSON SUPPLEMENT: together we can grow [5]

I did a small change here thinking it is more appropriate though your way is not bad ;
My camping years not only taught me how to live in the wild but have also made me a more adjustableadaptable and flexible person, willing to make compromises for the good of other people..

This is quite impressive writing and I like it a lot.
If I'm the one who's going to be your roommate, I would immediately picture you as a very serious, ambitous and studious guy by reading this letter. It is because of the style it is written. Is that how you intend to portray yourself?

Anyways.... this is a good piece of reading .

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for MSc in Global Health Science from University of Oxford [7]

Hi Uri,

Sorry about the delay in my response. In my personal view, the SOP should include the facts such as why you are inspired to follow the course you are applying for, why you prefer that particular university, what background you come from, what experiences and knowledge you possess, how this course would help you in future etc. etc.

So, in your SOP you almost consume three para's to tell the selectors why and how you got inspired to pursue further studies in your field of interest and very little is told about other factors. I feel you need not to be that descriptive about the Fatima story though it creates an important entrance to your SOP. I mean you should include it in your SOP to show them the reason behind your particular interest in the field of study and also to add some emotional feelings to your writing that would make it a great SOP. But try to trim it down by eliminating the less important details and keep it slim and interesting to the reader.

Also I find there are grammer issues in your SOP. But I would suggest you to re do this and re-post to the forum so that I will try to help you with editing, by correcting those mistakes at my best ability. You may get help from others too.

Pls pay attention to what Oladapo has commented too because I feel his comments are very valid in order to improve your SOP.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for MSc in Global Health Science from University of Oxford [7]

Though (no comma here) others did not noticed it (no full stop)IBb eing inquisitive, it caught my immediate attention.

It was the closed gates of some hospital with "Fatima Care" board on it... here there is an issue because "it" refers to gates which is plural. Try;

It was the sight of closed gates of a hospital with a name board "Fatima Care".

I can clearlycould very well sense the unusual silence behind it.

It remained a depressing story until my third year of graduation [i]..---------- You dont clearly say why you felt it that way about this hospital. I think you should say something about it to create a link to why you felt so .[/i]

Essays / "Are mothers better parents than fathers" - debate the essay topic? [6]

Hi Ramesh,
Why dont you google this topic. There'll be plenty of points. Unfortunately I cannot post the links I found since it violates rules of this site. I found an interesting article on the theme "Are Fathers Biologically inferior parents?" which deals with some research findings as well and such findings may enrich your debate. If you google this topic you would find the article. It starts with;

Margaret Mead once said that fathers are a biological necessity, but a social accident..... interesting... isn't it?

Essays / "Are mothers better parents than fathers" - debate the essay topic? [6]

Hope the following three points are not in your store;
1. Females by nature are more caring about their offspring. They go to all ends to feed,care, nurture and protect their young. This applies to many animals.

2. In general, children are more comfortable with their mothers and reach out to them more compared to their fathers. This is because women express their emotions and feelings more freely and explicitly while men often keep them to themselves.

3. Also women have less ego compared to men. This helps them acting as lubricants when there's lot of friction. This helps mothers to keep their family closely knitted.

Although I gave you these points favouring mothers, I'm a father's baby and always believed he is the best out of my two parents...hhahaha... :-D

Have a nice debate!!!!

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - A place that intrigues you - Shenzhen [5]

Dear Andrew,

I think Riddi has brought out a good point;
Your description of the city Shenzhen is apt, but 'how' it affects you is very short and insufficient, you havent talked much about your interest in economics and its relationship with Shenzhen.

Try to highlight the significance of this place to your own life with more emotions. You should tell the reader why you are so much attached to this place and how it has impacted your life. .

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - A place that intrigues you - Shenzhen [5]

AThe city who , in face of a global recession, incessantly marches forward.

My insatiable interest in the workings of the global economy and powerful attraction to the fickle and unpredictable has allowed me to decide. ------I feel you end the sentence abruptly. Decide what?

Undergraduate / 'member of a FIRST robotics team' - Gatech 1000 char essay [5]

During high school I was a leadingan active member of a FIRST robotics team. ----- I guess is this the name of your team. Otherwise, dont have "a" in front.

We built a robot with in a short period of time and, after going toas a part of competition, went toelementary schools demonstrating our robot to their studentswe had to demostrate our robot to students of elementary schools. I was tasked with doing the demonstrations; standing in front of troves of young minds, showing them something they had never seen before. In their eyes, I saw awonderastonishment and appreciation for the beauty of technology and engineering. While only some of these children may go on to become engineers and computer scientists in future , all of them willwould retain some wonder, excitement, and appreciation for the power of technology that will carry on for the rest ofthroughout their lives. By going tojoining Georgia Tech, I hope to share this wonderexcitment and appreciation with as many people as possible, both during my time at Tech, and after my graduation.

I believe Georgia Tech can give me the tools necessary to accomplish this dream, while allowing me to have a positive impact on its community .---------- See my suggestion for your last sentence;

I believe Georgia Tech is the place where I can gather tools to accomplish this dream while making a positive impact on its community.

Scholarship / How to express financial need? - a scholarship essay. [12]

Hi Erkin,

Sure.... I wud try to help u at my best. I think I have made a mistake above - Throughout is one word and not two words.... Sorry about it. Also please bare with me if I spell words incorrectly coz I frequently make mistakes with spellings.

I think you should trim the following section of your essay, starting with ;Probably the most valuable experience ... ...
and end with
and hence offering a win-win solution compromising its economic needs with social values of its people.
If you can re-do it and post again I can help u with polishing it further. I suggest you to limit your training experience to not more than two lines and quicky come to the impact on economy and people. There again, try to manage with not more than three sentences. Also include something to say about the impact on the economy of your home country coz that is the point u need to stress more.

I suggest you to combine the following two paras as well as they can be easily linked and together they better arrange your flow;
For me there was one question left to answer: how would I help others with my capacities and my commitment?I always wonder how I could help my own country and people with my knowledge, experience, potential and committment.In homestay programs I found the perfect prospect.(although I'm not so sure here). The principle of "helping people help themselves" and the chance of benefiting the society I am living in were depicting an ideal purpose.(I cannot grasp what you try to say. Better improve it further)

I was really contented to see that I could make a change.(again this sentence disturbs your flow. Try to have a link to what you are going to say next) In partnership with a regional agency GTZ( German Cooperation Agency) (GTZ)and under my counseling, "Uzbektourism" was able to initiate the first homestay in the village of Farish, Djizakh under my counseling . However, I found it difficult toencountered many difficulties while initiateing such projects in the government sector because of due to financial and bureaucratic obstacles. I tendam seriously looking forward to use my knowledge, experience,anda wide range of existing networkscontacts and networks that wouldconsists of both the government and private sectors as well as international organizations with the intention ofaiming to promulgateing homestays across Uzbekistan. This would most definitely offer obvious benefits to all the stakeholders.I firmly believe that this would immensly contribute to boost the tourism industry in my country and thereby help enhance the living standards of my people.

Scholarship / How to express financial need? - a scholarship essay. [12]

For as long as I remember I always knew what I enjoyed doing best (in my life). ----- I dont get your idea clearly here. Are you trying to say;

Through out my life, I wanted to do things only if I have a passion to do them .

Learning languages, studying different countries and cultures has always been my passion.Diversity among people and cultures always aroused my curiosity and I developed a great passion to learn about them.For this reasonThis is the reason why I chose tT ourism (capitalize tourism here )as my future career path because I knewI wouldsucceed in what I like most.understood that it is the only industry that could drive me forward towards my success.

I have graduated about five years ago (be precise ) and, ever since, I have dedicated my time to work/toacquire knoweldge and gain working experience in this areatrade . Working in the public sector tourism gave me an enormousa great start-up arming me with rich industry experience and a broad understanding of the structure of the tourism sector of Uzbekistan and its resources and potential.

Probably the most valuable experience was the one I obtained abroad. I underwent tourism management and development trainings in Malaysia and Singapore - two of the most popular destinations in Asia. Having been outside my country for the first time ever I opened my eyes wider and my mindset changed.

The visit to the small village of Perak in Malaysia within my homestay-training framework has offered me the opportunity to observe a unique part of their civilization. It was interesting to watch indigenes living deep in the rainforest; indigenes, who -thanks to tourism- were able to preserve their centuries-old unique subculture despite the effect of globalization. Hearing that their community was thriving thanks to the financial support they received from tourists, government and tourism businesses was truly pleasing. I was amazed to see people living a lifestyle and practicing rituals which were even unique to Malaysia itself, and which were being conserved .---------------- I feel you should combine both paras to one and make it shorter. I feel its a bit too descriptive. Try to give more prominance to the fact that how you learned and witnessed the contribution of tourism towards the well being of Malaysian economy and the living standards of its people so that you can align the selector's emotions to what you are going to ask in the coming paras .

I could help you with the rest, if you feel you are comfortable with my suggestions.
Good Luck !

Graduate / 'Golden years' - SOP Graduate Program in Mechanical Engineering [6]

Sorry... I couldn't keep up to my promise as I got really busy in last few days. Sorry about it...

My ambition to pursue graduate studies in the United States was formed when I came across several research papers and work published by the US Universities while I was working as a Research Assistant. Also I received blessings from my professors and my family to pursue this dream of mine.

However, selecting the most appropriate graduate school in the USA is a hard task for a student, in particular for an international student whose higher education system differs from that of the USA. Fortunately I have a clear idea onabout what my real interest areswhich mainly intoand I know that I want to further my studies in tribiology as I have worked on the projects during research work in the engineering college.I was thrilled when I came to know that Mechanical engineering department of XYZ University has a research group focusing on tribologyfocussed tribology. Therefore I believe XYZ is the place that can provide me with an ideal platform to develop my professional careerI also happen to know about the research interests of Dr. ABC which gives __________

I re-did your last para 'cause I feel the SOP needs a catchy end which should be not very lengthy. Just have a look ....

Having the right mindset and a strong will and committement to excell in my field, I am confident of taking up any challenge in order to pursue my professional ambition. And I find that XYZ is the perfect fit for my aspirations that would help me elevate my position as a professional.

Thank you very much for your consideration

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR APPLICATION!!!

Graduate / 'I can get easier access to HIV treatment' - Statement for Masters of Public Health [4]

"The reason i moved to Johor Bahru is so that I can gethave easier access to HIV treatment for both myself and my daughter."

The words uttered by this particular patient, Patient X, during a Retroviral Disease (RVD) Medication Therapy Adherence Clinic (MTAC) session was an eye-openering for me and it made me take a good look that influenced me to re-look at the accessibility and standard of healthcare services in Malaysia. It made me question the accessibility of health services in Malaysia . Are the treatments affordable Can patients afford treatment? Are theytreatment given in the best interest of the patients or are theywith a profit-orientedation ? Are the healthcare professionals adequately trained and are they followingdo they follow best practices guidelines? Do the patients understand what is being done for them? Can we do more in terms of disease prevention and patient education? And more importantly, what can i do to make an impact on public health in Malaysia?.-------------- I think you have taken a very grand entrance to your SOP.

Graduate / 'Golden years' - SOP Graduate Program in Mechanical Engineering [6]

As a part of the curriculum, I was involved with six research projects as a research assistant and three of these projects were with the company, ABC Ltd. . These projects helped me gain a sound practical knowledge ofonTt ube drawing, tube sinking, Tandt ube rolling process with their tooling design accompanied by various heat treatment processes. Those Processes were simulated afterwards using Finite Element Analysis.During the projectI was exposed to numerous practical problems encountered in production line and also in Simulations in ANSYS.They also helped me developedmy personality and my communication skills as I haved to deal with number of people at various levels in the company. I presented number of papers on my projects in various national level competitions and got prizes for the same.

Scholarship / How to express financial need? - a scholarship essay. [12]

Hi Erique,

Why dont you do a draft and post it? I'll try to help you with it, if you need my help.

Writing Feedback / 【IELTS】Childcare is an important task for nations. [3]

Nowadays, childcare plays a significant role in our families and evenespecially in our country. How to become knowledgeable mothers and fathers is fairly concerned byhas become a concern of expectant mothers and fathers. From my perspective, I completelyfully agree that parents-to-be had better learngainsome knowledge from childcare courses.

Scholarship / How to express financial need? - a scholarship essay. [12]

Tell them why you want to follow this courese and why you think you deserve a chance to follow it. You can ellaborate on your past achievements too.

Now tell them how importantly it would help you succeed in life/career as well a help serve your community and country that desperately needs the contribution of learnered people like you.

Then come to your financial constraints. Be logical in what you tell them for them to understand that you are a genuine case that needs support.

Give some emotions to your writing.

Undergraduate / 'Mama Burger with Cheese and no pickles' Short Answer for Common App Work experience [4]

My work experience as a cashier at A&W helped me to develop and grow tremendously. ...break here for another para
My first day as a cashierat A&W was nothing like what I had anticipated. It involved not only demanded effective time-management and communication skills but also required patience, manneredpoliteness , and teamwork. However, instead of being intimidated by the amount of work, I took it as a new challenge. Soon enough, I began to find satisfaction inenjoy helping people and putting up smiles on their facesmaking them smile. I felt great to be recognized bywhen customers and managers recognized me for my hard work and greatexcellent service, but at the same time I look forBut I never stopped looking forwardways to improveingand learn from my experiencesmy service better.Working at A&W experience meansis more than just a part time job to me. , it gave me the chance to give back to my community and shaped me into a more mature and responsible person.It shaped me into a more mature and responsible person while giving me the opportunity to serve my community.

Undergraduate / 'Interest in engineering; I built my first computer' - Lehigh University supplements [2]

Hi Conor,

I think you have done a great job. It flows well and clearly explains what you think most interesting with Lehigh. So I feel the very last sentence is not really complementory for your answer 'cause it slightly deviates from the prompt. The prompt focuses on why you like Lehigh. I feel if you stop at the one before the last, it would be a better ending.

Undergraduate / 'this person has saved my life' - ApplyTexas Topic A [2]

Dear n_3194,
I was very impressed with your essay and the way you have presented it. It flows very well from the second para. Lovely... I must say. I only feel that your introductory para does not catch up with the high standard you show in the rest of your essay. I have a few suggestions for you, but I stress again that your writing is superb.

Sometimes we come across a person who changes our whole perspective of life for the better. Whether it is a relative, a close friend,this person is real or a fictional character, this person can influence us to change ( i feel the change happens with you when this person influences you to change) our entire outlook on life. For me, this inspiring individual has made me realize who I truly am, has encouraged me to pursue my lifelong ambition, and has taughtwhile teaching me how to be morethe importance of being optimistic.

In essence, this person has saved my life ... beautiful

Undergraduate / 'where I was and what I was doing there' - Short Answer for Common App [6]

Hi Suhail,
I did some changes to help u with ur word count. See whether they do help u;

Countless thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to comprehend where I was and what I was doing there. It was my first day as the cashier at the family store. I regret waiting until freshman year of high school to take this opportunity for it helped me develop as a person tremendously. By simply helping customers to find what they needed and giving back them their change, helped me breakcome out of that shyness "shell" I had beenwas living in. The simple "thank you" and "have a nice night" quickly changed into "how was your day" to "do you have anything special planned for the weekend"special plans for weekend?".and other conversation starters that made me feelSoon I became more than just some shy kid working somewhere andIt was this practice that made me a person who is no longer afraidcomfortableto talking to people and offer help them out , and approach new experiences. Along with having an effect onThis not only changed my personality, working has alsobut also helped me develop my time management skills, since I work along with my school andneed to balance it withtomy acadamic and other activities. Working at the family store has becomeThis is more than just a job, but something I enjoy as it helps me meet new people and learn about their lives.grow as a sensitive and responsible person.

I want to say that I like ur style of writing coz u r good at giving emotions to it. Very good n keep it up!

Graduate / 'An Ivey MBA is the perfect choice' - short term goals [3]

I am a software consultant, designing and implementing HR solutions for clients worldwide. After completion of tT hree years in this capacityinto the job , I was promoted to my current position and have beena leadership position and have been managingleading my a small team of five colleaguessoftware engineers for the last 2.5two and half years. Though I gained a tremendous amount ofvast HR knowledge and an understanding of how the business operates, I strongly felt that some preparation and training would have certainly helped me take on the position with more poise.

Now I seek to move to the next level as a Project Manager.andunlike my previous promotion,This time I seekintend to be more professionallyprofessional traininged and guidanceedtohone my leadership skills and acquire a number of management skills.to sharpen my management skills and be prepared to deliver my new responsiblities and tasks more effectively.

An Ivey MBA is the perfect choice as it fits with my criteria of a one-year program and case-based learning. I believe case based learning is an effective method for learning as itis an effective practical approach that forces participants to use their analytical skills, examine and discuss issues that managers face todaymodern managerial issues as opposed to being lectured about different business functions. Also it makes me happy to know that anFurther, Ivey MBA willwould help me aqquire skills in a shorter time span andso that helps meI could advance my career position in twelve months.

Together with my sound experience in IT consultation, I believe anthat Ivey MBA would equippedme with strong business and leadership skills, when combined with my experience in IT consultingthatwillputwould elevate me one step ahead when I re-enter the field of IT and willwouldprepare me to add value in all my future endeavors.

Undergraduate / 'where I was and what I was doing there' - Short Answer for Common App [6]

I find you have very impressively presented how your work experience helped changed your personality. I also feel it is better if you can just add at least one more thing that helped broaden your perspectives or develop your skills. For example, you can say that this job helped you to be a more organized person or helped you develop your time management skills or taught you the value of team spirt etc. etc.

Undergraduate / 'Being an avid band member' - Common App- Short Answer: Band [5]

You can talk about one or two incidents that stand as examples for what you believe as the life skills u learned by being in the band. Also tell them how they shaped your thinking and perception. Give a little more emortion to your answer.

Graduate / 'From automation to electrical car' SOP for MS Electrical Eng. @UCB - feedback [3]

Many metropolises in the world are facing the sametoday face the problem of air pollution and the raising oftemperatureglobal warmingbecause of thedue to massive of combustion engines that runrunning in the city. Especially Bangkok of Thailand, the capital of my country, is at the critical edge from theof this disaster above . PlusFurther , the decreasing of conventional forms of fuel are on decrease causingraise it price hikes too often . This encourages me to study in to an alternate for the combustion engine with electrical motor and develop a new generation automobile. The target is to rejuvenate the environment and improve the electric drive and power electronics into the limit of efficiency. I am strongly believed that my passion, enthusiasm and potentialcould be used to contribute for amove a big step forward for mankind'sin the direction of echo friendly transportation mode for the mankind.

Writing Feedback / Should governments spend more money on improving roads, or public transportation ? [2]

Yea.... I find some grammer issues but I dont say you really should worry too much because with little practice and attention you should be able to get over it. Your grammer is not so bad. I think your main problem is with your flow of ideas and their importance to your essay. My advice for you is to stick to short sentences rather than lenghthening them. Also avoid combining too many ideas in one sentence.

Moreover, as you know, cars need oilfuel and gasoline for drivingrunning , so you should spend more money and time for supplying(note; to supply / for supplying)thisthesere sourcesfor your car .

For instance, averagely, the cost of one liter fuel for any car is 1.5 dollar. If you have a small car, you need about 30 liter fuels for your car and you should spend 45 dollar money therefore this is not suitable and useful. Additionally, when your car needs fuel, you should go to the fuel places and spentspend a lot of time for fueling your car. In my estimation, public transportation prompts to reduce cars at highways and saving time and money.... I feel this section contains lot of unwanted information that your reader may find boaring to read. This also goes a bit out of track from your essay theme. You must connect your example to the main topic. Instead of all these details you could say;

The consumption of fuel can be reduced largely by promoting public transportation. For example, a person can save large costs on fuel consumption if he opts to use public transport instead of his his private vehicle to commute to his work place.

As far as I am concerned,cC onsidering the abovementionedremarksreasons , I personally believe that public transportation is very substantialeconomical (wrong word here... I think what you mean is economical ) and betterefficient than self-driving aton roads and streetsbecause of a lot ofdue to reasons such as reducing traffics, accidents and saving money and time. Do you approve with me or not? ...

Writing Feedback / SAT essay: Should people always be loyal? [3]

Although loyalty is considered as a virtue and a crucial trait of a good person by generation after generation, it can also have an unfavorable side.--------- very impressive start.

Always being loyal sometimes means being blindly obedient, which thus may foster evilness;....I feel you better break the sentence here.
sow When the certain people or ideal towhichthat people arewere originally loyal totake an opposite turn in judgement of justiceto the opposite side of justice , righteousness and benevolence, the people should not continue their loyalty.