Undergraduate / Texas App. Essay About Open Mindedness [4]

You have lots of potential as a writer, for sure. You have beautifully constructed sentences, like this one:
I think the most amazing thing about having an open mind is that, when you have an open mind, limitless possibilities spread out in front of you.

I wonder if you know that your control over language and understanding of grammar better than most people can. Yet, this essay is a little too repetitive. You assert over and over the importance of open mindedness, but you speak only in very general terms, not giving enough examples.

I see that this could be about tolerance of other cultures, openness to new ideas, and many other applications of open mindedness. Here is my favorite sentence:

It involves acknowledging, but not necessarily accepting, and questioning, but not necessarily rejecting.

I suggest trying to get rid of a few instances of using the term "open-mindedness" because you repeat it over and over. Add a few more examples! :-)

Speeches / Speech about courage, honor, leadership, patriotism, scholarship, and service [3]

These are great ideas...
I guess I would approach this task by talking about the American Legion and how meaningful it is that they offer this award. You can write about the award not as something that you earned but rather as something they do. That would be a very gracious approach. You can talk about the fact that they provide this award and about how their providing it makes students strive to cultivate these qualities you listed.

If you focus on the American Legion as the subject of your speech, you can talk about those qualities as qualities that the American Legion represents.

That means you need to research their organization and maybe even talk to other students who have won this award.

:-)

Essays / Self-Description Essay Help (for good college recommendations) [2]

Hmmm... I am seeing lots of requests like this lately. It is a little disappointing to hear that teachers are requiring students to write their own recommendation letters. It would be nice if the teachers were experts about you, since YOU are the focus of their professions.

If this is to help them write good recommendation letters, give them some good material. Tell about your "accomplishments and adversity." If you write one paragraph about accomplishment and another about adversity, that will be intriguing for the reader. Start with a list of points you want them to include. Every adversity is also an accomplishment, because overcoming adversity is a kind of accomplishment.

:) Good luck with this important assignment! Try to come up with a meaningful, memorable theme that will stick in the reader's mind. Make sure you mention the theme at the beginning and also at the end of your essay.

Grammar, Usage / How do I show that someone is speaking the quotation I have in my essay? [4]

yes, that thing about putting the period outside the quotation marks is important. Did you catch what Noto meant about that?

If you are talking about a character in a story, you can write this:
Bobby says, "I was getting quite cold. I couldn't do anything about it but it was driving me crazy! I had to do something about it" (Smith 11).

or
The narrator (Bobby) explains, "I was....

:-)

Undergraduate / "I will be myself" - Describe the enviroment in which you were brought up. [3]

This has to be all one sentence:
I am six foot seven inches tall, two hundred and twenty pounds, and because of my physical size and strength I excel at sports, mainly basketball, which is my school's most popular sport.

(I removed the period after "strength")

Now my two good friends Zach and Kevin their have dads that make over 100,000 a year.--- no need to include their names; it detracts from your meaning.

I'll use a semi-colon to fix this run on sentence:
Now don't get me wrong; not everyone at my school is rich.

Okay, here is what to do: I see Susan's point. In order to avoid making the reader think you are hopelessly superficial, move the last two paragraphs to the beginning and give a thesis sentence about your realization. That way, the reader will not be offended by all your talk of 60K being insufficient, etc. Throughout the essay, the reader is offended, but then at the end you fix it a little. I suggest moving that part about the realization to the beginning so you can let the reader know from the outset that your ideas have changed.

But is this realization that "money isn't everything" really what you want to write about? I suggest focusing more on your intended career and other meaningful, intellectual topics. No one has much sympathy for an upper middle class kid who lives among wealthier people and feels poor by comparison. Write about your professional goals! :-)

Scholarship / Temple admissions: where do i see myself in 10 years?; scholarship foundation [12]

Here are some ideas:

After receiving my bachelor's degree in public health from Temple University, I thrived academically and professionally for an entire decade. in the past ten years I have been doing extremely well.

I have so much for which to thank Temple that this one letter cannot adequately describe my appreciation. withstand the words.

Use a hyphen:
...vibrant and intelligent 2 year-old little girl.

My experiences and accomplishments at Temple helped me become the woman I am today, so thank you, Temple, for being the start to my professional life.

Research Papers / Help for a Challenges and Changes In Society Research Paper [6]

...and wrong approach to success.

Is it even fair that black children are not prepared to face these challenges as a result of having been placed in a school where, in this case, everyone would theoretically...

Activists activists --- no need to capitalize

I think you should add some sentences BEFORE that first sentence... introductory sentences to get the reader familiar with the idea being discussed. Then, end the first paragraph with this sentence:

I feel that this is not a great idea and will eventually lead to the emergence of a different standard and wrong approach of success.

After you make that thesis statement, you should continue by writing body paragraphs with topic sentences that support the thesis. So, write some topic sentences that support the idea that it will lead to different standards and a poor approach to success.

Above, please google all words in bold to make sure you know the definitions.

Most importantly, if this is a research paper you need some good sources. What have other people written about this proposal to have culturally oriented schools in Toronto? Do you have any articles you can quote or cite?

Keep working!! I think you should add some paragraphs about articles written by authorities in the field of sociology, education, etc. :o)

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure....is the following sentence grammatically correct? [9]

This is such an interesting thread! As Jon pointed out, "What works have you published" sounds like you are the publisher, but Mickey, notice that the original sentence is referring to whether someone has had works published. For example, I may have had my own writing published by XXXXXX Publishing company. In that case, I quite possibly may have had my works published.

I would write the sentence like this:
What types of work have you published?
Even if the writer is the subject of the sentence, you can omit that word "had" and the reader will still understand.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]


Yes, it will indeed be possible for search engines to find your essay if you post it here, so don't post it if that is a concern for you. Maybe we can just do some practice writing so you can correct all your mistakes and become an expert.

If your essay is supposed to be done in class, give it a try! You seem to write very well, so you should feel confident. I know what you mean about noise and distractions, though. Let's just do some practice essays, so you'll be ready to write in class.

:-)

Research Papers / The short and long term effects of the Russian revolution - history [6]

Just google this: russian revolutions
You'll get TONS of info.

THANKS SMIRA!!! :-)

Research Papers / Help for a Challenges and Changes In Society Research Paper [6]

Hi Smira,

I think you might be thinking of the assignment as though it is difficult, when it is not. You can read some articles that interest you, and write a paragraph about each. Start right here in this thread: Write a paragraph for me about an article that you read today or tomorrow. Just write a little par to tell me what the author was saying.

It can be about health care, immigration, globalization, the Internet... these all represent changes. It can be about changes caused by the threat of terrorism, or the death penalty... just find an article that you enjoy.

An important proverb says, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Welcome! I'm glad you are here participating in EF.

Writing Feedback / "Fifty-Four Forty or Fight" History Research Essay [2]

Capitalize "River" because it is part of a proper noun. Columbia River

I see a little typo:
rejection of Polk's proposal,.

number agreement:
...the economies of the two countries.

Okay, the writing is great, but you need some references to texts. I don't think you can get a good grade on a research paper if you don't cite your sources. What does your teacher say about citations? Do you need to use MLA and have a works cited list?

The writing is very good, with nice transitions and explanations.

Poetry / ESL art poem - Mona Lisa [9]

Capitalize French.

But why is she looking like that?
Is she looking to see
if it is a rabbit or a basketball?

It really is an excellent poem! I'm grateful for the opportunity to follow your thought process.

Writing Feedback / Term Paper: Sailor Mentality [3]

Don't use a semi-colon here:
...when he writes: "With a philosophical flourish...
or
...when he writes, "With a philosophical flourish...

This is some excellent writing! I think it is MLA, though, and in MLA you don't need a comma in the parenthetical references... like this:

(Marquez 89)

:-)

Essays / how to make a thesis statement on why Same sex marriages should be legal [5]

I think that is a reasonable argument, for sure. Some would even argue that the institution of marriage is obsolete and oppressive to women, and that it needs to be reinvented to accommodate modern life. That includes acceptance and tolerance of one another are necessary.

Research Papers / Research paper: Which tense to use when describing well established tests? (APA) [6]

Okay, I'll tell you everything I know, and maybe it will answer your questions! :-)

1. When I write about articles or books, I use the present tense:
Hacker explains grammar as an important area of study.
We use the present tense whenever talking about literature, because it is timeless!

2. When you write your proposal, use the future tense to talk about what you will do:
"The researcher will use qualitative methods to explore teachers' ideas about special education."

3. When you write the actual dissertation, use the past tense to write abut what you did:
"The researcher used qualitative methods to explore teachers' ideas about special education."
That means you have to go back and change the tense of the first few chapters (the proposal stuff, including intro, lit review, and methods)

Most importantly, do what the school's guidelines say.
:-)

Undergraduate / "to save people's life" - what are your goals [8]

Awesome, yes! I'm glad it helped. Now you can use your advanced understanding to help other people here, if you have time, by checking the "unanswered" list .

and check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Tell people the secret:
one paragraph = one idea

That way, very essay you write will be one BIG idea supported by several smaller ideas the body paragraphs. Every essay will be profound...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Technology, one offspring of science, is a world of imagination being made true [7]

You're welcome. Yep, when you are good at language, it is tempting to really use it in complex ways, just like composing beautiful music. But depending on you purpose, complex music might or might not be appropriate. Some people are not familiar enough ith music to really appreciate complexity. Anyway, it is great to be able to do it.

Writing Feedback / "True beauty" is the good humanity [5]

Jon, that difficulty with "the" is a tough one. It is one of the reasons I often tell people to practice reading English aloud a little each day.

However, I don't think it is necessary to spend LOTS and LOTS of time perfecting one's English, because a new kind of language is forming in this globalizing world. Language changes naturally over the course of time... interesting stuff.

Thanks, Jon, I see you must be spending lots of time here!

I remember the day at my old school when we had discussion on the true topic of beauty. Many of my friends ...

During that period, we all were young, and we had no idea of these things. All we could see was a beautiful lady with heavy make-up. As we grew up, we realized the true meaning of beauty. Beauty doesn't involve external looks only. The main part of the beauty is the one's internal behavior.

For example; Nelson Mandela, Ghandiji, The Dalai lama, and Martin Luther King were all beautiful. They are the ones whom I do present as the "True Beauty". These are the people who served their nations no matter what happened to them. Because of their true inner beauty, the people of this young generation are eager to call them "true beauty."

:-)

Writing Feedback / Children have trend to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life [2]

Hi! Here is a little feedback I'll add to the great advice that has been given...

It is quite common these days to note that children in schools, especially those in primary stages, have tended to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life. From my...

I capitalized From because of the new sentence, an important rule, but the more interesting correction involves commas.

Look at that sentence I wrote above, an example of the kind of sentence I am talking about, and notice that the "extra" phrase is separated by commas.

Whenever you want to throw in an extra phrase, one that the sentence would still be complete without, use commas to separate it.

:-)

Research Papers / Joseph Heller's Catch-22 research paper topic [4]

You need to write about a topic he wrote about or a topic that "emerges" as you read his work.

When a fascinating person reads something, his reaction is fascinating. Write your reaction and make up a term to represent your theme. If I choose a theme for you, it will be basd on my mind instead of yours. I think you should do this:

write several paragraphs about selections from the story. Use a topic sentence for every paragraph. That way, each para will be like one observation you make about his work.

After you have a lot of paragraphs written (make any observations you want to make about his work!), look to see what theme is emerging in your writing. Post them here and we will help!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Text messaging: write about an invention that has changed your life [3]

The invention that made the biggest change in my life was text messaging. This discovery changed my way of ...

I think that text messaging changes ways of writing letters, for example. In the old ways, people use to write corresponding lathers letters to each other. Although now people are forgetting how to write a simple letter to his or her their friends, so its affects language skills, decreasing them even though we are using this service in our basic daily life. A person may now ...

I had to delete part of your esay because you took it directly from another website!

gsmfavorites.com/documents/sms/introduction/

Don't do that, or you will get in trouble!! Practice to revise what you read and put it in new words.

:-)

Book Reports / "the biggest problems blue-collar Americans face" - Thesis statement [5]

If the thesis refers directly to the book by Ehrenreich, it will be unique, because it will establish his work as a theme for yours. So, I think you should write a thesis that mentions his book and your unique point that you want to make about it.

I really think you should just write several paragraphs (be sure to begin each para with a topic sentence) to see what is going on in your own mind. Remember, one para = one idea (i.e. expressed in the topic sentence,, supported with an example.

Let each para be about 100 words, with 4 or 5 sentences.

After rereading his book, and reading some related articles, write a few paragraphs, and then look at the direction you seem to be taking. Write a thesis that says something about what YOU think about what Ehrenreich says about this issue and what other people say. Use a unique theme.

Scholarship / France: Where would you go in your flying house? [4]

...we made a stop at an airport in France.

I would use a colon here:
France has everything that you could ever want to see: a great city like Paris, the wonderful...

I think you already turned this in because the deadline has passed! I hope it is a success! I think it will be because it is very nicely written.

If the prompt involves a flying house, though, I think the flying house should be mentioned in the essay. :-)

Essays / how to make a thesis statement on why Same sex marriages should be legal [5]

Asking this question is kind of like asking, "What should I say if I want to participate in a conversation about same sex marriage?" All the books and articles we read are just like a big conversation, so when you participate by writing this article, what will you say?

What point do YOU want to make? Google this:
arguments for and against same sex marriage

I think you will do well if you write a theses like this:
Some people argue that the institution of marriage is intended to bond one man and one woman and that the definition of marriage makes same sex marriage improper, but this paper is intended to show that the modern definition of marriage should be one that allows for all lovers to experience it.

I also think you might have to write about the 2 different definitions of marriage -- the church definition and the state definition.

Remember to start every para with a topic sentence.

:-)

Research Papers / Research paper on american literature (global warming) [3]


Me too!!


American Literature would be about novels by American authors, I think. Global Warming is a science of social studies topic.

What are some examples of paper topics that were acceptable to the teacher?
You can research William Faulkner or John Steinbeck, and use a theme to make your paper unique. Write about their work, and look for similarities so that you can show a common underlying principle. Just sit down and read about Steinbeck to get you started. Start writing paragraphs about everything you learn, and start each para with a TOPIC SENTENCE.

Google "topic sentences"

You will do well!

Undergraduate / "The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion" - Common Application [8]

I like this a lot:
To say that she does not exist is to be ignorant of her subtlety, for she is the standard from which all comparisons are made.

here is an idea:
To say that she does not exist is to be ignorant of her subtlety, for she is exists as the standard from which all comparisons are made.

You are a fantastic writer. I want to tell you, though, that this essay can seem to objectify women. Also, nymph is associated with sexuality in a way that I think you do not intend. It might be better to use a different word.

Also, I want to challenge you to change the concept of girl to the concept of "companion" or "lover" because it is ... well... you can have such powerful writing, but if you write in a way that is directed toward a male OR female reader, that will be more respectful to the reader.

Know what I mean?
You write well, and it reminds me of the work of Kahlil Gibran.
Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Student Talk / What is a good essay to practice a final for? [8]


Good ideas!

I think the best way to practice is with a formula. Use the formula for anything they challenge you to do!

Formula:
grab the attention with an interesting first sentence in the first para.
Express your main idea in the last sentence of the first para.
Make each body para start with a TOPIC SENTENCE.
Make the conclusion use a few words or phrases that you used in the intro para.

Follow that formula, and you will always score well as long as you know the rules of grammar.
Read Strunk and White's The Elements of Style
Read everything you can find by Dianna Hacker

Book Reports / Life of Pi and The Yellow Wallpaper/The Metamorphosis Essay [9]

They are able to create an environment where symbols are prevalent, including that of authority, death, and colour.--- including what of authority, death, and color? I would do this:

They are able to create environments where symbols are prevalent, including environments of authority, death, and colour.

Now, this makes me expect to see the word authority in the first sentence of the irst para, theword death i the first sentence of the second para, and colour in the first sentence of the third para. That is how to write TOPIC SENTENCES that correspond to the thesis.

Also,
Power, symbolic through Richard Parker and Gregor's father, is exhibited through their passive nature during peace, aggression during hostility, and the actual exhibition of brute force. Authoritative figures remain calm under calm circumstances, thus were Richard Parker and Gregor's father. Pi states that , "I couldn't see Richard Parker. He wasn't...

Add this sentence later in the paragraph if you want to:Power, symbolic through Richard Parker and Gregor's father, is exhibited through their passive nature during peace, aggression during hostility, and the actual exhibition of brute force. -- but don't put it at the start or it will confuse the reader.

:-)

Writing Feedback / CBEST Writing: My favorite subject/course in school (Korean Literature) [2]

Don't capitalize high:
When I was in high school, my favorite...

Thanks, Shalini, for the work you did here!

Don't capitalize literature unless you are talking about the title of the class.
Through the reading of a variety genre of the of literature, I could feel my ancestor's life and culture in the specific era. Especially in old poem, I noticed their values such as loyalty to the ...

In addition, she made required us to write a love letter to the main characters in the literature .

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Failure is necessary for education to take place?" - grade my essay [5]

When someone scores something you write, they do it based on their own criteria for what a "good" paper is. It depends on what the teacher is trying to teach.

There is quote which Denis Whitley says, " Forget about your consequence of failure. Failure is a temporary change in direction to set your straight for your next success". No one can deny that failure is an ordinary a common serpent, chasing us everywhere in our life; however, it plays a vital ...

I see a sentence that begins with a lower case letter: being fathom or unfathomed, we all learn from our mistake. ---- do this:
Regardless of whether we are aware of it or not, we all learn from our mistake.

Add a verb:
For instance, I learned from an experience of failure when I took my SAT. I was at first lazy and treated the SAT with indifference until I got on

Here is another sentence that needs to begin with a capital letter:
You must learn from your mistakes in order to achieve ...

:-)

I give it 101% even though there are mistakes! Keep reading, and your writing in English will improve!

Writing Feedback / Technology, one offspring of science, is a world of imagination being made true [7]

You make a great point at the beginning -- that technology is evidence of imagination.

It is debated argued that the reality that children's use of such technological inventions as calculators to cover the work of mathematics is proven grounds to support the preceding idea. ----- it was no wrong, but I simplified and made it clearer.

...the virtual world, to some extends, is not worthless.--- very good paragraph.

The ending is very eloquent, too! How did you learn to write so well? It is a very fancy style of writing, and it is impressive. However, I think using lots of commas is like so much stop-and-go traffic, and the use of more words than necessary is like a boxer throwing many punches but langing only a few.

So, I think you should experiment with saying what you have to say in fewer words. Some people have weak reading comprehension and would have trouble understanding your complex sentences!

please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

:-)

Undergraduate / "to save people's life" - what are your goals [8]

Okay, add lots of sentences, and do not worry about whether or not you are making mistakes. Just write and write and write. Then, go back and read it.

Make a list of every point you make. Do you know what I mean? List them:

1. Everyone in this world have different goal, and mine is to save people's lives.
2. Ever since I was little, becoming a nurse was somthing an idea that always fascinate me.
3. Knowing that I wanted to be a nurse, I started educate myself.
4. I a ready to study hard and contribute to the success of my peers.

For every point, write a paragraph. each paragraph has a topic sentence, a sentence to explain what you mean, an example, and a conclusion sentence to repeat the main idea from the topic sentence. For example:

Everyone in the world has a goal, and mine is to save people's lives. I think human life is so mysterious and uncertain, but I know that my own life will be meaningful if I can apply my skill to save others. For example, I might study just a little bit harder than someone else, and a life will be saved because it was me working that day instead of someone less qualified. I want to make a positive change in this world by working hard and giving great effort.

Essays / Memo appreciating someone for giving me assistance with my essay [4]

I moved this thread to the "grammar" category, just in case it is not about a writing question. I don't know if you are asking how to use the phrase, or if you are saying thanks in advance!

:-)

Anyway, the usage:
"Thank you in advance" is something people say when they are asking for help and want to be very polite. They want the person to know they feel grateful, so they say "thank you" even though the other person has not helped them yet.

Scholarship / Rhio O'Connor's Story, My Story about life and death [4]

You are welcome!! Please help me give advice to the people whose essays are on the "unanswered" list. (The link is at the top of the screen.) For that I am always grateful!!!

Writing Feedback / My research assignment on binge drinking and the health effects, review request [12]

This is a case where you say 2 things, and each thing should have a whole paragraph written about it. Each of these deserves a paragraph:

The survey also revealed that respondents consume over the daily limit in order to socialize or feel good. (now write some sentences as explanations and to give examples... make it a whole paragraph).

New paragraph:
Cheap alcohol and drink promotions are also factors. (now write some sentences as explanations and to give examples... make it a whole paragraph).

Undergraduate / "My oldest, deepest, most entrenched memories" UC Prompt #1 response [3]

...and I cannot fathom, not even for a moment, from then on, turning my head away from this aspect of my life. ------- yes, but what would it mean to turn your head away? I think the buildup at the start should be a little shorter, and you should get to the point a little sooner.

Oh, I see that it gets very powerful!
...and it was easy to distinguish these phone calls from that of any other normal one - I witnessed the same exact facial expressions and vocal tones, time and time again, encompassed first by confusion and questioning, and then disbelief and silence, finally coming to hysteria and grief, crying I could not stand to hear but was forced to endure.

(new paragraph)
This behavior meant _______ (make sure the reader knows what you are talking about). I would see this...

The media and the world are so swift to turn their heads on such issues, and the brief news spotlights they receive do not do them justice. --- excellent sentence!

This essay is a real success, very awesome.

Graduate / Personal/job history; reason, career plans - One page intro for MBA class. [3]

...with his mutt, Crakerjack. ---- I added a comma

Capitalize Internet

If you say you were outspoken from "day one" and then say when you were born, it sounds like you are saying you were talkative as a newborn, and that seems silly. Instead of outspoken, say "expressive."

An outspoken expressive extrovert from day...

Having spent most of his life on the Alabama Gulf Coast, Smith began his career there after graduation from Johnston College in May of 2002, He began working as a Hotel Front Desk Clerk at a Casino Resort in Simpson. While at the Casino, Smith ...

Hey, make that section on career plans longer! that is the most important part. Impress the reader with a great action plan for your career. Make it detailed and inspired.

:-)

Undergraduate / School - the place where I like to visit again and again and still has influence on me [6]

Yes, excellent! I think it is even better, and the action of "influence" is intensified. Good call.

I love brevity so much that sometimes I just say "Medium regular" even though I actually would like milk instead of cream. :-)

Brevity makes it so that the reader can really fully experience what you say. If you say too much, her attention is divided.

Scholarship / Implementation of the universal healthcare / Paul Goodman essay contest [4]

All the stuff in the first paragraph is condescending and too obvious. Do you know what I mean whn I say it's condescending? The reader feels like you are preaching to her. So, instead you have to base your argument maybe on a philosophical idea that the reason we humans set up governments is to protect the people, so health care should be something attended to by government.

You also are up against tough opposition, people who say the government will muck it up and turn health care into something of shoddy quality. It is a complex argument you are making! I suggest focusing n a small part of it, like a philosophical belief that government should ensure health care for its people, etc. along with observations about all the scandalous activity of insurance companies.

Capitalize United States

Yeah... the argument is too simple at this point, but you could spend one whole day reading the various arguments. Google this:
arguments about American health care reform

:-)