Writing Feedback / Apple canning process; 'sterilizing from bacteria' [8]

The diagram shows a process of making an apple canningproducing canned apple .


This is totally irrelevant . This task is a report writing task and you need to report your observations here. You should not tell anything other than what the diagram presents and therefore you need to limit your writing strictly to what you observe.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The diagram about the evolution of the horse [5]

Once the first two evolution stages finishedwere completed, it can be seen that equineEquin e transformed into Merychippus with more muzzles and looking more like a modern species of horse, developed thigh and an emerged mane, at about 15 million years ago.

Writing Feedback / During this 25 year period, consumption of pizza and hamburgers by Australian teenagers increased [6]


The graph presents information about fast food consumption by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000.


... this is a very good overview in terms of its contents. You have presented the main observations very well to give the reader a good picture about the total graphical presentation :)

During this 25 year period, consumption of pizza and hamburgers by Australian teenagers had a sharp increase. However, fish and chip had shown a major decline in consumption during the same period.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT (task2): Working Extended hours should restricted. (Agree/Disagree) [5]


Working longer hours has become a very common scenario nowadays.


... well, this point you should have taken up in the body paras. Intro is not the place for this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : High sum of money of modern artist [4]

Although some people view that government should be take a responsibilityresponsible for managing this unfair situation, critics against such viewothers view it differently .


This is very very confusing :( ... It is very important that you express your opinion very clearly. You need to pay more attention to clarity of your sentences as well as grammar. Also, keep your writing more aligned with the prompt. This is what I suggest ;

In my personal view, I believe that the government should not be held responsible for such earning disparities.

Graduate / PHYSICIAN'S ASSISTANT NARRATIVE - Not your cookie-cutter entrance narrative [3]

I like your style of writing :) Here's a small suggestion for the last line;
I love to learn, change and adapt to situations as my environment evolves and want to continue my learning process through out my entire life.

My love of learning leadled me to the medical field at the very beginning of my career search;
I think you've done a good job :) Good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992. [8]

The graph givesprovides information about audience inUK audiences forwho is interested toward radio and television throughout the day induring the October to December 1992.


Overall, the peak hours for radio have occurred before noon while the audience for the radio had dropped in its numbers in the evening. However, the audience for TV had been highest during evening hours .

Writing Feedback / Ielts 1 enquire letter - English lessons questions [4]

I am writing this letter to see ifin hope of finding out whether it is possible for you to provide me with information in regards to theyou to offer me some English lesions lessons you run.


Before this you need to introduce yourself. Tell who you are (your name.) and where you live and your background.

I am ????? who lives in your neighborhood since ???(tell how long you've been living there). I am Chinese by origin and my knowledge in English language is not that great.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Sector of the economy - different age groups were employed. [4]


This is not at all clear :( You need to introduce the graph to the reader in a more comprehensible manner;
The table presents the distribution of employment as per different economic sectors by three different age groups.


.... I noticed that you have a problem with writing the overview in other threads too. You need to pay more attention to what you should present in the overview;

state the main trend/ trends in the graph. Don't give detail such as data here

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: The winter heating costs according to heating fuel type [4]


Good intro :)


This overview needs lots of improvement as it does not provide any substantial idea about the graph to the reader.
Overall, all three fuel types have shown an increase in their usage through out the period while fuel oil has been the most used and electricity been the least used fuel type.


wrong grammar;
fuel consisted / fuel was consisting of ... Past tense
fuel consists / fuel is consisting ... Present tense

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The winter heating cost costumers [4]


The graph provides the information about winter heating cost for the senior citizens aged over 65 years by heating fuel type from the year 2003 to 2011.


This does not provide any useful information to the reader. You need to talk about some important observation/ observations here.

Writing Feedback / Individuals should not be allowed to carry guns - 'used for illegal purposes' [6]

Also, you need to improve your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Toefl-Teachers encouraging students to question everything 'for our knowledge, o [9]


... what do you mean by this sentence? It is not clear :( You need to begin the para with a reason that you use to justify your position on the issue.


... I feel this paragraph is totally out of topic. Follow the structure suggested by Pahan for your body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The unemployment rates: US and Japan - 5% in March 99 [6]


For this task, you don't have to have a conclusion in which you summarize facts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Different age group work in economical sector [9]

The table comparespresents the numbersnumber of people in the three age groups whichwho are employed in the particular sectordifferent sectors of economy.


This is not a very good overview. It does not give much important information for us. I just suggested the following lines for the overview for the same task in a different thread :D

Overall, the majority of people works in the manufacturing sector and accounting industry records the least level of employment. The retail sector has generated the highest number of employment opportunities for the young people while the manufacturing sector has got the highest involvement of senior employees.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The sector of economy for employment [3]


This is the introduction and the purpose of the intro is to clearly introduce what information that this table provides to the reader. Here it is not at all clear. This is what I suggest;

The table presents the distribution of employment in different economic sectors by age groups.


This is not a proper overview. The overview should give some background idea about what the table presents and it should not contain details such as data or statistics. You only have to report the major observations;

Overall, the majority of people works in the manufacturing sector and accounting industry records the least level of employment. The retail sector has generated the highest number of employment opportunities for the young people while the manufacturing sector has got the highest involvement of senior employees.

Writing Feedback / An increasing number of people change their career and place of residence [3]

However,there existsexist controversies on the matter whether people change their job and house many times in their life is beneficial for them or not

Hence I do firmly affirmbelieve that changes brings matremendously.tive ?????? (what is this word? I don't think you can find this word in any dictionary :D ) development s for the individual.

I think you follow a good approach for intro.

Writing Feedback / Parents should allow their children to select their own profession [7]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for practicing for IELTS or TOEFL? Also, what is the prompt or the question? You need to provide those details for us to understand the purpose of your writing to make more meaningful comments.

If this is written for an introduction, I think you have to improve your approach.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The process of apple how to be canned; 'apple tree' [6]


.... this intro is not presented well :(
The diagram illustrates the detailed process of canning apples.


Overall there are fourteen stages that need to be completed for the total canning process of apples.


Everybody knows apples come from apple trees. It is no where shown in the diagram. All what you need to do is to report what you observe in the diagram;

First , the apples are hand picked and then transported for washing. Then the apples would be tested for quality and the ones that pass through quality test would be sent to cold stores.

this is how you should go about!

Graduate / SOP, "I have long been fascinated by the world of technology" [3]

Hope you pay attention to what Pahan has mentioned. This is a guideline we provide for SOPs and hope it would be helpful for you too;

1)Background,
2)Development of interest
3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education
4)Future goals
5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary.

Writing Feedback / Write a report about education in Australia between 1997 and 2005. [5]

to The tables showprovide information about the students' participation atper lecturerlectures from 1997 to 2005 and the number of students in practice based subjects and lecture based subjects in 2002.

You should mention the time periods in the intro.
provide information / presents details / show details

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people should create a sense of co-operation in their children [6]

The above approach I have given is for your introduction. Follow this one for your overall essay structure and read the sample essays carefully to understand what I suggest.

Writing Feedback / Honesty vs Telling lies - persuasive essay [5]


Lies can never be justified.


According to my religion, lying is a sin. Not only it is a sin, but it shatters the trust between people.


I feel this is not a proper generalization. May be some do believe so, but I am sure many don't.


What does this mean? Is it a full sentence?

Writing Feedback / IELTS :How apple is canned? 'durable before it is bought' [3]


These are not relevant stuff for reporting what you observe in the diagram. In this task, you should limit your writing to report things that the diagram presents as this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So, avoid including things that are not presented in the diagram. IELTS TASK 2 is for essay writing in which you enjoy more freedom to express your opinions. However, in this task, you need to report your observations in a logical sequence.

Undergraduate / "labor experience" - The ProTrack Engineering Co-op program option! [4]

But you as a recent graduated of thefresh graduate /font] university don't have the experience that the employers are looking for and neither have they given you an opportunity to see if you are eligible show that you are capable.


I feel this sentence is poorly constructed. First, it is too very long and second, it does not have an interesting flow of ideas. I strongly suggest you to rephrase it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: visits abroad; some persons visit to abroad because they have some gains [4]


... You need to give a good understanding about the overall picture by the overview. This is what I suggest;
Overall, the number of UK citizens who visited foreign countries have increased during the period under review while majority of them had traveled for tourism purpose. Further, the majority UK citizens have chosen Western Europe as their travel destination.

Writing Feedback / Task II : Internet, the most significant invention in the last 30 years [5]


This sentence lacks clarity and it sounds incomplete. You need to improve its presentation;
During the last thirty years there had been many important technological inventions. (hook) Some people view that the Internet had been the most significant invention out of all of such inventions and without it our lives would take a very different shape (background). I , however, disagree with this view for several reasons. (opinoion)

Research Papers / Research Paper -Work/Life Balance & the associated risks of not sleeping enough [5]

Where is the paper?

Writing Feedback / Ielts: apple is canned; 'there are many processes' [4]


You have to pay lots and lots of attention to your grammar and clarity of your sentences. The above sentence is pretty confusing :(
The diagram shows the process of manufacturing of canned apple.


Hey, why do you say there are two ways? From where you get that information or the idea? What I see in the diagram is the complete process of manufacturing canned apple;

Overall, there are fourteen stages in the process of manufacturing canned tins of apple.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'all processes occur in the water' - Live cycle of a frog [3]


... Good introduction :)


.... this needs improvement;
Overall, there are seven stages in the life cycle of a frog which begins with eggs and ends up with an adult frog.
This is your overview and there you need to give an overall picture of your diagram. So, tell something more meaningful in the intro for the reader to get an idea of what you are going to talk in detail in the forthcoming paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The method of bricks; heated in high temperature 200-1300C [2]

The diagram explains the method entire process of how bricks how to make it become material that people can use itare manufactured from the beginning to the end product.

Generally Overall, bricks made from several methodsfollow seven stages in its product cycl e. It starts from digger until delivery process.and ends with packaging and delivery.

Writing Feedback / We have to bend children in the starting stage otherwise we can not stop them after growing [7]

Also, make sure you meet the minimum requirement of your word count.

Undergraduate / US College application essay. check my essay for mistakes. [4]

When I was a childkid , I gotusedloved to playingplay games on my older brother's computer and I gradually felt excited aboutthat was the advent of my deep passion for information technology.

In thatthe same year, I served as a programmer at [Bank]. During the time I have worked there, I haveand this opportunity introduced me to the world ofenthused over finance and business and thus I have decided to learn more about Business field.of which I took lots of fascination and finally decided to pursue my higher studies in Business field.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:The process that is used to manufacture bricks for the building industry. [3]


... you need to pay lots of attention to your grammar. It would be a big hurdle for you to earn a decent score if you don't improve on grammar;

The diagram shows the process of manufacturing bricks for the building industry.
Overall, there are seven stages in the process. The first stage is digging up clay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Exam; essay part, intro, every related information [2]

Well, you need to have a good essay structure, good grammar and clarity in your sentences, good flow of ideas and also display your vocabulary skills to get a good score. But , displaying vocabulary knowledge does not mean you should try very advance words (going by the synonyms) in your sentences if you are not sure of their exact usage. You can even express your ideas with simple words you know and that is much better than using unknown words and confusing the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; mobile phone impacts on people's lives [6]


...."Throughout recent history" has not contribution to this idea so it sounds redundant :(
There is no doubt that mobile phones have made a huge impact on people's lives since recent past.

Mobile phones They (don't repeat "mobile phones" too frequently) have provedthemselvesto bemade one of the greatest contributionsto the well being of(you need to tell for what they contributed) mankind and have gradually become an integral part of human beings' lives.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree that the traditional skills will die out? -- IELTS Essay [7]


.... Well, you have made a good attempt to follow the approach I suggested. However, there are few issues with that and let's take one by one;


... This is not a good hook. It is too long to be an interesting hook and also it has several errors. For example, "extinguish" is not the appropriate word to use for that idea. "extinguish" means cause (a fire or light) to cease to burn or shine. The correct word is "extinct" which means "(of a species, family, or other larger group) having no living members". Also, a good hook should be shorter, meaningful and relevant to your topic.

Then you do not introduce the background of the issue adequately to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: with increasing use of computers, letters writing will disappear [5]


.... well, as eddies has mentioned, it is difficult for me too to give you a definite score for this. However, I see you have very good writing skills and you have a great potential for going for a very good band. Just follow the structural guidelines Pahan has provided and make sure your essay contains those features that would help you score good marks. Also, practice with time to have your time management skills enhanced :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The results of a survey by the UK residents [4]


This sentence has several issues. First, what the tables show are not reasons of a survey. What they show are the findings of a survey carried out on reasons for foreign travel.

The tables present the findings of a survey on foreign travels by UK residents. The first table presents the findings on reasons for going abroad while the second table presents the details of holiday destinations.

Scholarship / My choice of being drug and alcohol free - SCHOLARSHIP [2]


However, I perceive it differently and do not conform with the majority's belief.


Unlike most of teenagers of my age, I have no experience with drugs nor alcohol.


I have always felt against consuming drugs or alcohol and I have some reasons as to why I choose to be a teetotaler.


First, drugs or alcohol do not offer any benefit to me.