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Posts by EF_Team2
Joined: Mar 1, 2006
Last Post: Apr 22, 2008
Threads: 1
Posts: 1703  
From: United States of America

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EF_Team2   
Nov 27, 2007
Essays / I Need Help in the "Literature" Type of Essay [6]

Greetings!

In a literature, or literary, essay, you will evaluate a piece of literature. You'll write about its themes, subtext, and other elements. You may criticize it or write about the author, as well. Normally, one thinks of a creative essay as one which is fictional; the author makes up a story. A personal essay would be one about your own life.

If you could give me more detail about your specific assignment--such as pasting in the assignment instructions, if your teacher gave you written instructions--I might be able to help you more.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 26, 2007
Writing Feedback / Eastern countries; Should artists always be given the freedom to express ideas? [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some suggestions for you:

In my opinion, governments should base their policies on the cultures of their countries to modify the rules.

In Western countries, freedom is always put at the top so the artists can express their own ideas in whichever way they wish. As a result of this, there are many beautiful nude pictures and movies that have been composed and widely accepted by most people in the world. However, freedom is also exploited by many bad artists to create a lot of valueless, sexually explicit products. To avoid this, I think the government should make the rules to distinguish between a beautiful work and a sexy one. [What about things which are both beautiful and sexy?]

Conversely, in Eastern countries, where there are many restrictions about the arts, it is very difficult for artists to express their creative ideas in movies and pictures. For example, many pictures about the beauty of women are strictly prohibited in the Arab world.

In particular, Vietnam has changed a lot and we are going to have the first nude exhibitions of Thai Phien, who has composed a great number of pictures related to Vietnamese women.

To sum up, I think any freedom has it own limits, so the government should define the restrictions for the works of artists. Furthermore, these rules should be made based on the culture of each country because everyone, every country, has a different view about beauty.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 26, 2007
Undergraduate / Essay on what important contribution are you proud of? [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

The audience only sees the result of all their hard work, condensed into 60 seconds with one shot to get it right in front of their audience.

Their accountability was also increased by having periodic "cheer quizzes." [In American English, the period goes inside the quotation mark.] This was to encourage girls to practice the cheers they learned at home as well, so they would know them solidly

I have fourteen twelve- and thirteen-year-olds looking up to me.

I've realized the importance of passing these policies on to the next coach

as well as showing her how to run a successful practice.

I can truly say with confidence [omit comma] that I have become a successful cheerleading coach.

My only other suggestion is that you not use contractions; they are frowned on in formal writing, so you might want to change "wouldn't" to "would not," and so on

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 25, 2007
Undergraduate / "Tia Rosa", Aunt Rose - someone who has made an impact on your life [3]

Greetings!

You've written a very moving essay! I have just a few editing tips.

who let me sleep late on those nights when my parents were out working late,

In third grade, I surpassed everyone in my bilingual class. The school counselor convinced my parents

to listen to what they thought were insignificant dilemmas.

Fortunately, my "Tia Rosa," or Aunt Rose, came to my rescue. [note the placement of commas]

gathered the courage to come to the U.S., a land [delete "over"] hundreds of miles away from her home,

My only other suggestion is that you explain who this significant person is a little earlier in the essay. You do not identify Tia Rosa until halfway through the essay.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 24, 2007
Grammar, Usage / Help Integrating Quotations with a Sentence [2]

Greetings!

It's a little difficult for me to tell you how to integrate it into your essay, without seeing what you're integrating it into. Can you post that part of your essay?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 24, 2007
Research Papers / Help Starting a Global Warming - Argumentative Research Paper; focus on human responsibility [9]

Greetings!

It can be great to research a topic on which much has been written, but the flip side, as you have discovered, is that there can be a lot to wade through! Here's an idea for a thesis: "For millenia, humans have treated the Earth as a never-ending resource, to be utilized and squandered at will. Recent years have shown that there is a price to be paid for this hubris, and the prospect of catastrophic results from global warming have the Earth's human inhabitants scrambling to make amends before it is too late. While the cure is neither quick nor certain, there are things which people can do to diminish their contribution to the problem of global warming, lighten the imprint of their footprint on the Earth, and perhaps even reverse the damage which has been done."

A start similar to this will introduce both the topic of global warming and lay the groundwork for the solutions you will discuss. You can start with what is known about the causes of global warming, its initial rejection and reluctant acceptance as a theory, and then get into the things we can do to ameliorate it.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 24, 2007
Writing Feedback / Universal Declarations of Human Rights & problematic human rights issues [2]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to give some editing tips on your excellent essay!

is one of the many corollaries of the first American and European's attempts in the eighteenth century - say either "American and European attempts" or "Americans' and Europeans' attempts"

Although [or Despite the fact that] the Universal Declarations has been a landmark in the history of human rights activism because most countries have signed it,

Consequently, although states can agree about a theoretical framework addressing the resolution of human rights divisive issues, the practical implementations, which are left to the free reading of each country, can raise other divisive issues due to the wide range of distinctive worldviews resulting from the cultural diversity of the nations asserting their affiliation with the United Nations. - Try to avoid sentences which are this long; the reader tends to get lost before finding the end of it!

political selectivity is not based on the gravity of immoral acts ["unmoral" means neither immoral nor moral.]

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 24, 2007
Dissertations / Discussion about the Baroque age [3]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help you with some editing pointers!

During the Baroque period, people were attracted to by extremes of feeling and learned themselves and the world. - This sentence does not really make sense, although I think I know what you were trying to say. How about "During the Baroque period, people were excited by learning about themselves and the world around them."

One of the reasons science and philosophy affected the Baroque age is that skepticism was growing in religious beliefs, resulting in the Reformation and Counter-Reformation. As a result, scientists were more able to do things without any religious thought. But most of the scientists were convicted of heresy. - Is this accurate; was it "most" of the scientists?

Another reason is that people started to believe the power of scientific truth. The baroque age was one of many great inventions. For example, Galileo designed and built his own telescope, Fahrenheit invented a system of measuring temperature, and Leibnitz invented a new notation of calculus.

If you need to expand this a bit, you could talk more about what distinguished the Baroque Age. For example, the architecture and music were both very ornate and flowery. You could also talk more about Galileo; what it was he discovered and how he was forced to recant his views by the Church.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 24, 2007
Writing Feedback / Essay on Pornography (something you secretly like, but pretend not to) [2]

Greetings!

This is the sort of topic where reasonable minds may differ. Some might consider that a bold and creative choice; others might, predictably, find fault with it. While I think that it would make for an interesting essay, looking at it strictly from a cost-benefit analysis point of view, you have to weigh whether the risk of offending or being perceived as somehow deviant is outweighed by the benefit of the points you'd score for creativity. Consider this: if even one of the people who is considering your application for admission finds this offensive, you're out, more than likely. My advice would be to find something a bit less controversial, or at least with little possibility of offending. While it's true that most people will probably write about something like a television show that should be beneath them, or a song by an artist they "should" consider silly, you'd be on safer ground with an approach like that. After all, it's really the writing itself that's important, not so much the subject matter. They don't really care what you secretly like, but they do care whether you can properly express yourself about it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 23, 2007
Essays / Reflection Essay, but broad description [9]

Greetings!

Think about why you chose your college admissions and freshman quarter. What would you like to say about it? It's obviously an important step in your life and the beginning of a career path that will impact your future. Write about the difficulties you encountered, any surprises along the way, and how you felt as you were going through the process. Getting started is the hardest part, of course, but you might want to begin with something simple but revealing like "I stared at the admissions form and thought, "This couldn't be more confusing if it were in Chinese." Of course, if that's not how you felt, you can substitute your own feelings, but the point is to make it personal, like a story, to begin with, to draw the reader into what you are writing.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 23, 2007
Undergraduate / MOVING FROM PERU TO US AT NINE; NCSSM App - ADVERSITY IN LIFE [2]

Greetings!

Your writing is very good. I have a few suggestions for you. Be sure to run your essay through your word processor's spell-checker; you have a few typos:

I was fully accustomed to our delicious foods

I am a person that is able to adapt to any environment

I became very indulged in this concept - I think "engrossed" would be a better word here.

a problem associated with an introverted personality in the classroom

I don't feel that it shows much respect to disrupt teachers while they instruct. It serves no purpose but to make the teacher's job burdensome and it distracts the rest of the students in the classroom. - "alumni" are students who have graduated. Don't use a fancy word when a plain one will do. :-)

I have completely overcome this "fear" - You might want to run it through a grammar checker, too, although they are not fool-proof.

When you use a number less than ten, write it out: nine.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 23, 2007
Writing Feedback / How does international trade and commerce promote peace? - essay [2]

Greetings!

You've done a great job. I have only a few suggestions:

Indeed, in case of war, producers can cease [delete "the"] providing [delete "of"] essential resources for their counterparts,

Furthermore, citizens of the countries in the southern hemisphere are more and more resentful towards northern states as [delete "the"] northern affluence expands and as [delete "the"] southern poverty runs rampant.

Furthermore, it also favours the free [delete "circulation of"] flow of ideas within a state and with the outside world in order to enhance the required intellectual emulation to achieve commercial success.

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 23, 2007
Writing Feedback / International Court of Justice & International Criminal Court essay [2]

Greetings!

Here are some editing tips for your excellent essay:

when one of the many organizations belonging to the United Nations seeks [delete "for"] an advisory opinion as regards legal disagreements.

The ICC is also in charge of the adjudication of disputes concerning the commission of "widespread and systematic" crimes

many states now avoid submitting decisions to the ICJ, litigating cases before it, or even abiding by its decisions.

Consequently, the jurisdiction of international courts is faced with [delete "the"] potent barriers imposed by [delete "the"] state sovereignty. Indeed, the international legal system is now in a position where it can only adjudicate cases on condition that states [delete "accept to"] be willing to engage in a legal process. [Better might be "on condition that states agree to submit to the court's jurisdiction."]

Moreover, and unfortunately for them, international courts do not benefit from a powerful executive branch that could have the power to enforce decrees emanating from the courts.

However, the increase in cases that are tried by international courts since their creation has evidenced the fact that states are more and more willing to utilize them, such the ICJ and ICC, to accept their decisions. - this does not really make sense; try rewriting the sentence to make it clearer.

As a matter of fact, despite criticism of the international court system's form or functions, it seemingly assumes a consensus between states to settle disputes concerning international relations.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssyForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 22, 2007
Writing Feedback / Co-operation and competition, which is better for children? [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to! Here it is, with some corrections:

Although education has changed a lot from what it was thousands of years ago, the spirit of co-operation is still kept and encouraged to develop in schools all over the world. However, schools also hold many competitions to choose the best ones among students. Some people think co-operation is better than competition while others think the other way. In my opinion, these terms are two aspects of the same object so they always go together and we can't split them.

The biggest difference between people and other animals is that we live in society. As a result of this, everyone must have contact with others, not only people in his/her family but also outside people such as friends and colleagues. It is the reason why we have been studying about co-operation since we were children. As an example, I still remember my first life lessons such as sharing toys and helping people. These lessons did help me a lot since they are always in my mind to prevent me from doing anything bad.

In contrast, competition is another characteristic which makes people and society become better. In order to archive a good position among people, everyone must study and work very hard and it does not only that person but also the whole society. Consequently, this ability is taught to children via the contests to help them prepare for a competitive society when they become adults. In fact, in my opinion, how to compete is an important subject people should study. It means we should help others on our way to improving ourselves instead of ruining people to reach our target.

In conclusion, co-operation and competition are two aspects of the same subject and they can't be separated. We should always try our best to achieve the target but remember to help others to make a better society.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 21, 2007
Writing Feedback / 'transportation, hard work, and discipline' the world you come from - UC College [5]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job of improving your essay! I have just a few suggestions:

From the start of my childhood, my parents emphasized the importance of earning good grades in school,

I strive for success in school, because I want a good future for myself, not for my parents.

I have stopped living life day by day as I did when I was in the first grade,

I saw a girl take out her music sheets and simply breeze through the notes

(device that marks time)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Essays / The motives that make people work - essay [4]

Greetings!

That's an interesting point: how do we distinguish between money and the prestige money brings? :-) You may have to get into the psychology of human nature a little. What do prestige, status and respect do for us that is separate and apart from the status symbols (fancy car or home, jewelry) that money can buy?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Writing Feedback / What is most important factor affect the characteristics of a person? [3]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Because it's short, I made some editing changes for you. See what you think:

In recent years, researchers all over the world have been studying the causes of human characteristics. Some researchers reported that people are not primarily influenced by the outside environment but rather that the major factor is the DNA inherited from their parents. However, in my opinion, this result does not sound correct for the following reasons.

Firstly, it is obvious that education does influence people in their personality and development. As can be seen from any newspaper, most serious criminals are uneducated people, regardless of where they were born or who their parents are. In addition, many criminals became good people after a couple of years of rehabilitation and education in jail. For this reason, we parents should not discriminate against our kids' friend just because he or she was born in a bad family, because we can help them become better.

Secondly, I believe that the outside environment will affect people who live in an area. For example, children who were brought up in the countryside have different characteristics from those growing up in cities, even though they were born in the same place. Furthermore, adults also are influenced by the people around them. As an example, when I first met my wife, we are quite different students because I was born in a small province while she was born and grew up in a big city. However, our characteristics are nearly the same after ten years of communicating with each other.

To sum up, I think people are born with their own characteristics but they were changed by their education and living environment. As a result of this, everyone should always try his or her best to become a better person, regardless of family background.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Research Papers / Causes and effects of air pollution - RESEARCH PAPER? [2]

Greetings!

If you're writing a research paper, your best bet for sources is scholarly journals, which can usually be found in your school library's databases. You can look for science journals, if that's the slant your paper is supposed to take, or sociology/urban studies, depending on what course this is for. You can also try government websites, which are a good source of information. For example, if I were looking for information in the U.S., the Environmental Protection Agency's website would be a good one, as well as the Centers for Disease Control. I see that you are in the U.K., so you'll have to check to see which governmental agencies there keep track of the environment and its effects on people.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Book Reports / Book Review - "La Bęte du Gévaudan" (the beast of the Gevaudan) [2]

Greetings!

I think you've done an outstanding job of following the outline. I may have to take your advice to heart and try to ameliorate my inadequate French by reading this fascinating book!

Here are some editing suggestions for you:

still inflame the reader's imagination. [or "still inflame readers' imaginations"]

Louis Michel tackles the mystery in the light of the social, zoological, political, economic, religious contexts in those days, and the subsequent consequences over [delete "the"] European society. - Is the author Louis Michel or Michel Louis? You have it both ways. Also, once you have given his full name, you don't need to keep referring to him throughout by both names; his last name will do.

Furthermore, the author also buttresses his vision of a human manipulation thanks to primary and secondary [?]describing the beast with an armour-plate. - It looks like you have a word missing here.

Last and not [delete "the"] least, I would strongly recommend this book to learners of the French language who would ameliorate their command of this language because Michel Louis is an actual lover of [delete "the"] words. Who could resist [delete "to"] the appeal of an eerie depiction of human bestiality in the utmost delicate language of the Marquis of Sade? - Interesting question! :-)

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Undergraduate / 'Creativity from my heart' - it can't be taken away from me [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay. Here are some editing tips for you:

I have always had a habit of liking things I was never good at. - This is an intriguing sentence, and makes me want to know more about that. However, you then immediately switch to "I have a great passion for devouring books." which seems like an unconnected thought. If the two things are connected--if, indeed, the first sentence is connected to anything that follows in that paragraph--it is not readily apparent. See if you can tie it in a little better.

I knew from that moment that I was not exceptional at writing--that I would have to work hard for what I wanted. I work my hardest to improve my essays and that, in the long run, will help me work hard to improve other skills that are not as excellent as they could be.

However, once I was older, I realized that my writing skills weren't where I wanted them to be.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Undergraduate / Footprints and making a difference essay [2]

Greetings!

You have discovered, as so many before you, that the most difficult part of writing is getting started! The first thing to do is to tell yourself, "I'm just going to write some stuff down, and it doesn't have to be very good." Then--start writing! You can always improve it later.

Now then, let's look at the assignment itself. I assume that "footprints" is meant metaphorically and that the subject to be addressed is how one person can make an impact on a big world. One way to approach it would be to think of people who have done just that. Who comes to mind? Mother Theresa certainly helped a lot of poor people, and set an example for millions. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a bus and helped change segregation laws in the U.S. Presidents and Prime Ministers, of course, create events which can change the world. One could also think on a more local level, perhaps someone you know or have read about in your community. Using examples is the best way I can think of to prove your point. See if you can think of a few, and that may help you get started.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 20, 2007
Undergraduate / 'my mother, my father and my sister' - Your family, community or school [2]

Greetings!

You're essay is shaping up very well! I have just a few editing suggestions for you.

She never cared when people stared at her and always told me not to care either. - This makes me wonder why people would stare at her. If you don't want your reader wondering "is there something wrong with her?" you might want to rephrase this a bit.

I learned to stand up for myself even when it is hard to, to think of others first, to think before speaking, to always plan things for yourself because no one is going to do it for you, to be self disciplined because my mother would not always be there to guide me, and to work for what you want because it is hard to be happy with a job you do not like. - It's a little confusing when you switch back and forth between first person ("I...my mother...") and second person ("you...what you want"). It's best to pick a tense and stick with it.

My father likes to read; my mother does, too, but it was mostly my father who I saw as a reader.

My father wanted to be a lawyer but never could be one, and like many fathers, he tried to pass on the dream to me. He was always accepting of my decisions, like my decision not to pursue law.

I have learned not to care what others think about me, something that has paid off in my drama class, and to work hard for those you care about and not be afraid to dream big.

to follow your dreams no matter how big they are and to be the person that you are, no matter what others say about you.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 19, 2007
Undergraduate / My Personal Statement - "Describe the world you come from" [4]

Greetings!

I think you've written a great essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

She didn't care about what other people thought of her. She sacrificed herself

I knew that she was sacrificing money that she could have used for herself but spent it on us in order to make us happy. These sorts of selfless actions inspired me

She also made me want to stick up for myself and be more assertive so that no one could make me feel inferior and I could be as strong and as fearless as she was.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 19, 2007
Essays / Exploring paper about the connection between the media, books, violence, and terrorism [10]

Greetings!

I think what your paragraph is lacking is cohesion. Each of the five sentences seems to be somewhat disconnected from the sentence that came before it. For instance, your first sentence is about how a person perceives violence; your next sentence is about children's programming. You third sentence talks about how media is used to attract viewers. These are three different subjects! You say you have to "agree, qualify or challenge" the subject. Is there a statement that you are supposed to agree with, qualify or challenge? One does not normally "agree with" an entire subject. If the thing you are qualifying is the statement that media influences how a person perceives violence, make sure that every sentence in your opening paragraph is directed toward that, and only that. Don't bring in other topics.

If you could give me the exact assignment instructions, I might be able to help you more.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 19, 2007
Writing Feedback / MY BAD ACCIDENT; Descriptive Paragraph [2]

Greetings!

That sounds like a truly scary experience! I'm glad it turned out all right! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

I pushed the brakes with my entire might.

I was scared but I had to be strong for my kids.

I got out of the car to check on the other driver. When I got to her red F-150 truck I smelled alcohol on her breath.

Thank God for seat belts because we could have really gotten hurt.

I bought myself a blue Tahoe with the money. This accident is something I will remember the rest of my life.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 19, 2007
Grammar, Usage / Introduction for an essay on Jane Eyre and The Box Garden by Carol Shields [2]

Greetings!

While that's a very well-written introduction, I can see your teacher's point: it is very psychologically-oriented. Think about how what you have said relates to the characters in Jane Eyre and The Box Garden. What social conventions affected the impression Jane made on people? How did she cover her essential identity? Remember that modern psychology had not yet been invented when Bronte was writing, so her works were created without the benefit of our present understanding of "identity" and "self."

I haven't read Shields' work, so I can't be specific about that one, but I do think that if you keep these things in mind when writing, and try to work a mention of the main characters into your first or second sentence, you'll accomplish what you are trying to do, particularly in relating Jane Eyre's childhood experiences and social position to your premise.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 18, 2007
Undergraduate / Mom's Daycare to Psychology; PERSONAL STATEMENT [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help with some editing suggestions!

The thrash about becoming a psychologist - I'm not sure what you were trying to say here, but "thrash" is not the right word.

I wanted the children for the class I aided for get the. - It looks like you might have lost some of this sentence in a cut-and-paste. :-)

At times, the teacher gave me the opportunity to take over the class to see how good my techniques of teaching were. [or you could say "how well my techniques worked."]

I would repeat the same questions along with new ones every week for the game and saw that the children understood the lessons that were being taught and were getting good grades on their tests. The students that were quiet and shy and did not participate before, were getting involved with the class activities and [delete were] I was happy to see that the children enjoyed my techniques of teaching and were learning quickly.

Now I am confident enough to teach the class on my own, but I need formal training as a teacher to bring out my full potential. The proper training will improve my abilities and allow me to become successful in the future. A degree in psychology will allow me to achieve my dream of putting the lost smiles back on children's faces

I did a little extra editing to the last paragraph, to streamline it a bit. I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 18, 2007
Essays / I need help to write a classification essay about shopper [6]

Greetings!

Your ideas are good ones! You'll want to start by defining the different classes. What is an intelligent shopper, an impassive shopper and a window shopper? Then, as you said, describe their habits. Then talk about their advantages and disadvantages if there are both for each category. Are there disadvantages to being an intelligent shopper? Perhaps there are some--maybe an intelligent shopper really does her homework before shopping, but doesn't have as much fun as someone who is more impulsive. By the way, did you mean "impassive shopper" or "impulsive shopper"? I have not heard of "impassive" shopping, but we've all made impulse buys.

I'd be happy to help you with your grammar and spelling once you have written a rough draft. Be sure to use the spell-checker in your word processing program before you post your essay; it will cut down on the number of corrections that need to be made.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 18, 2007
Dissertations / The concept of hopeless hope in Eugene O'Neill's and Beckett's dramas [4]

Greetings!

Oh, my, your poor advisor! I hope she gets well soon! In the meantime it looks like you're on your own, unfortunately. It does sound like you have a fairly clear direction about where you want to go; I understand better now what you were saying. You're a bit out of my particular area of expertise, however. While I can't give you specific advice about your literature selections, I can tell you that The Unnameable sounds, from your description, like it would be an excellent choice for exploring the concept of hopeless hope. Remember that this is your thesis; if a work intrigues or challenges you, or seems to epitomize the essence of what you want to say, then it's a good choice. I have seen students struggle with trying to write a thesis that really has no meaning for them, and it's a nightmare, so make it relevant to you.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 17, 2007
Essays / I need help to write a classification essay about shopper [6]

Greetings!

It sounds to me as if your categories are very good ones! That will make it an interesting essay with clearly-defined categories.

I cannot "see" that your essay is weak, because you have not posted it here. ;-)) If you'd like to do so, I'd be happy to take a look at it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 17, 2007
Writing Feedback / Osteopenia Illness - Cause/Effect essay [2]

Greetings!

You've written a great essay! I have just a few suggestions for you:

People tend to lose bone mass around the age of thirty; the higher bone density a person has by age thirty, the longer osteopenia develops. - I think you mean "the longer it will take for osteopenia to develop."

Osteopenia has no visible symptoms, although, as the bones become more fragile, they are prone to breaking.

It is true however, that osteopenia [you need a vowel here] with aging, but the progressive nature of osteopenia can become a concern further along the line.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 17, 2007
Writing Feedback / Essay on Advantages of Living in a Big City [3]

Greetings!

You make some very good points in your essay! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

Big cities are where you can see many vehicles, many skyscrapers, and many people with a hurried pace of life.

Indeed, in a big city, people can have the best opportunities for work, as well as enjoying the best service and entertainment.

In a big city, people have the best chance to study and work.

There are many good universities to choose from in a big city.

Moreover, when you graduate, you also find it easier to find opportunities to get a good job with a good salary. That is quite difficult in small cities or countrysides, where there are not as many many big companies and groups. Hence, many graduate students choose big cities to live and work. In short, it is where you can take advantage of a city's benefits for yourself.

There are many rich people in cities, because they are a good place to invest money.

Lives in a big city can be quite luxurious and you do not have to be worried when you are sick or suffer a disease because you can find good doctors there, as long as you have a lot of money.

What's more, in a big city you can enjoy new entertainment such as new games or luxury games. - This is a little vague; what kinds of games? What do you mean by "luxury games"?

Many people can argue that living in a big city makes them tired with noise and dashing about.

However, when you get older, especially when you retire, the countryside is the best choice of places to live.

However, you have to try your best to overcome all difficulties such as hard competition in the workplace or a polluted environment. You should not complain when faced with the disadvantages of it. - Your conclusion is not the best place to introduce new ideas like competitive workplaces, pollution, or disadvantages. If you want to mention these things, talk about them in the body of the essay; otherwise, do not bring them in, for the first time, in the conclusion. Use the conclusion to summarize only what you have already said.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 16, 2007
Book Reports / (macabre and eerie mood) The Cask of Amontillado Essay [4]

Greetings!

Sometimes you can improve a paragraph merely by switching the order of the sentences. I think it would be better if the last paragraph started with the sentence that begins "Clearly," followed by "Edgar Allan Poe's mysterious..." then "The details..." and, finally, the last sentence as you have it.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 16, 2007
Essays / I need help on writing Informative (and Surprising) essay. [8]

Greetings!

If by a "surprising" essay topic, you mean one that would be unique or unusual, there is a whole world of wonder out there to choose from! Is there something that particularly interests you? Here are some ideas off the top of my head: "The Origin of Anime"; "Why Too Much Chocolate Gives You a Stomach Ache"; "The Future of Wind Farms in the U.S."; "The Most Unusual Things Ever Sold on eBay."

Just let your imagination run wild and see what you come up with! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 16, 2007
Dissertations / The concept of hopeless hope in Eugene O'Neill's and Beckett's dramas [4]

Greetings!

I think the most important thing is to get yourself focused in just one direction. You can't really find primary or secondary sources until you are very clear on what your thesis is about; otherwise, you're just floundering and it's an exercise in frustration. "The concept of 'hopeless hope' strikes me as a little vague. I would suggest that you try putting into one sentence exactly what it is you want your thesis to be about. You have some interesting ideas, but, at this point, they are just sort of free-floating; they need to be pointing in one direction. What is it about 'hopeless hope' that you want to say?

There are sites with free academic essays on the internet, but I doubt that most of those free essays will be much help to you. Do check out our "Free Essays and Articles" section on this site, however; you might get some dissertation writing tips that would be of benefit.

I'm sure you must have talked with your thesis advisor about this, but perhaps another meeting is in order, to make your path a little more clear. I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 15, 2007
Essays / "The attack on pearl harbor and its immediate effects";Suggestions for thesis [2]

Greetings!

As you have discovered, getting started is the hardest part! Here is a suggestion:

On December 7, 1941, the United States was transformed in a matter of minutes from a "sleeping giant" to a roaring lion. The attack on Pearl Harbor created an immediate shift in U.S. foreign policy, catapulting the country into a war it had been attempting to avoid for years. Suddenly, isolationism was no longer an option. America's response ushered in a new era of world leadership and dominance, where the best defense was a proactive offense.

You'll want to check the facts on this, but I think you'll find that World War II was the beginning of a much more dominant sort of foreign policy for the U.S.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 14, 2007
Writing Feedback / Israel and Palestine - a physical anthropology approach [2]

Greetings!

Here are some tips for your excellent essay:

I would defend a biological approach based on physical anthropology that asserts that human behaviour...

Israelis and Palestinians - correct throughout essay

Besides, Israel welcomes thousands of new migrants from abroad on its territory.

Palestinians would not be badly in need of food and daily necessities and, therefore, they would be less eager to air their resentment against [delete "the"] Israel's policy of security through violent acts of retaliation

Furthermore, although Israeli and Arab arts share common topics such as the disillusionment of modern life or [delete "the"] women's role in society, as a large, and in private life, in particular, they are also means of manipulation to fuel violent behaviours thanks to the amplification of negative, destructive emotions, such as derogatory drawings or songs calling to hostility. - I'm not sure what the phrase "as a large" was meant to say here; also, although it is not technically a run-on sentence, you should consider shortening it.

Consequently, it could be interesting to fall beyond the framework of [delete "the"] physical anthropology to enlarge the scope of such a study to the whole world and to a [ delete either "far" or "much"] larger time scale in order to corroborate or reject the evolutionary psychology paradigm claiming that aggressive interactions are inherent to the Homo sapiens sapiens species because humankind has inherited that trait from its first hominid ancestors. - Again, this sentence is too long; the reader becomes lost (and somewhat breathless) by the end.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Nov 14, 2007
Book Reports / (macabre and eerie mood) The Cask of Amontillado Essay [4]

Greetings!

I think you've got a great rough draft! Here are a few editing tips:

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality." So to "impress the mind," - Notice the placement of periods and commas (in American English) is inside the quotation mark.

Because of this, Poe applies and manipulates various literary elements and writing techniques to constitute a terrifying and gruesome mood in many of his works.

As a result, the details of the dead in the setting instill a frightening feeling in the reader. - Better might be "instill a sense of horror in the reader"

The horrendous description and imagery of the bones scattered all over the floor in the setting adds on to the eerie mood that Poe constructs in many of his short stories.

The foreshadowing of Montressor's dreadful and terrifying revenge sets a sinister and eerie mood as well as a mysterious one, for the reader does not know whether [delete "the"] Montressor's murder is justified or not.

The details of setting and foreshadowing and their effect to create an eerie mood reveals Edgar Allen Poe's brilliance and his effort.

[delete "For"] Poe purposely describes the setting as catacombs and a dungeon filled with bones to develop the ghastly mood. - This is too repetitious; you've already said this.

But also uses the foreshadowing of Fortunato's death to draw terrifying thoughts in the reader. - This is a sentence fragment.

Therefore, words can truly be powerful enough that they can manipulate one's emotion and feelings in a variety of ways. - "emotion and feelings" is redundant. You're right, this is a bit weak. How about "Poe proves that words can be wielded as a powerful tool, a nightmarish weapon to shock and scintillate those who fall under his spell."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

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