Undergraduate / Career goals: see the side of things you never expected to see [4]


What do you mean? I saw the other thread where you pointed out that the same essay was posted twice. BTW I recently discovered the poet that I assume inspired your username. He is great...

Marcos/Vanessa, please please don't post the same essay twice in different threads, if indeed that is what happened.

High school is not a proper noun:
High school has been ...

Strive is not a noun:
My commitment to education and success at this school will include my effort to...

The second to last sentence doesn't feel right because of a little mix up... a person that puts her whole heart into things about which she is passionate.

I've been told that I'm the type of person who puts their her whole heart into things that she is passionate about. --- or... things about which she is passionate.

:-)

Graduate / essay of personal statement speech and language pathology [2]

Running a marathon: hurry up, slow down, pace yourself... what's next?

That first paragraph needs at least one more sentence, maybe two more. It takes a big leap from the notion of "running" plus those intro words "hurry up slow down"... and then you jump to "sometimes it is nice.." but I think you should do this:

Running a marathon: hurry up, slow down, pace yourself, what's next. That is sometimes how it feels being a senior in Communication Disorders. (Add a sentence that will explain what you mean by that). It is nice to slow down and reflect on the reasons why I want to become a Speech and Language Pathologist.

I don't understand the use of "swallowing" here! ---> I must enhance my knowledge in literacy swallowing and develop my knowledge about adult disorders. I see all of these as great opportunities to pursue in graduate school.

can't say necessary---> needed
I study hard and absorb all the necessary and important information needed for succeeding in graduate school and my future career.

Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:
I am very determined, and I will persevere in everything I put my mind to do.

:-) You seem to have tons of potential!!! The essay is excellent, and your story is meaningful. Thanks for sharing your essay here!

Research Papers / Vocational research paper on house sparrows - trouble starting paper [5]


Well, think about it this way: you have not done any research until you have written some material. Part of the research process is to type a paragraph or two about what each article says. If you look at three articles, take a moment to write three paragraphs.

Each paragraph can start with a topic sentence that tells what the article was about.

So... really it is not very hard. Oh, and look.. you can also use an approach that is based on your subjects that you named:

their life, habitat, etc. as well as the decline in their populations over the last few decades.----right here, I see three paragraphs. life, habitat, and decline all deserve a para of their own. So... in three paragraphs, share with us what you learned from three sources. That'll get you started.

For each paragraph:
Start with a topic sentence, and at the end of it put the author's name in parenthesis. Follow it with an example. Follow that with some explanation or elaboration. Conclude with a thoughtful sentence about the topic sentence.

Writing Feedback / describing my friends (Putri) [4]


This is good. I see that Azeri noticed a run-on sentence. If you give one sentence, and it is complete, you need to stop before you write the next one. You have three choices:

I have a quiet, gorgeous friend. Her name is Putri.-------- I used a period to end the sentence and start a new one.
I have a quiet, gorgeous friend; her name is Putri.---The semi-colon acts like a period.
I have a quiet, gorgeous friend, and her name is Putri. ----- You can also make a compound sentence by using a comma and the word "and" (a part of speech that is called a conjunction)

Any of these (above) would be okay.

Here is some discussion of one other part:
On top of that, Putri is a shopaholic, a movie freak, and loves traveling. She recently entered the wrong studio when she watched a movie at 21 cinema. One last thing I'll mention is that Putri wants to spend...

No s if you write about "I" or "you" or "we" or "they"
I want
They want
You want
We want

But use s if it is like this:
He wants
She wants
Putri wants

Graduate / McGill M.Arch in "Cultural Mediation and Technology" - statement letter [9]

Nope, there is nothing you don't know, :-)

Good luck, I hope you have a great experience waiting for you there.

Essays / How to write an essay about american history? [10]

Diversity usually refers to culture, but it also includes other factors, like lifestyles, disabilities, and so forth.

If you google "stranger fear" you might get some good ideas about what happens when we don't embrace diversity.

What is the role of diversity in our global society and economy? The global society is full of different cultures, and as you know humans have a history of neurotically comparing themselves to "others" who are different.

If you look at diversity in a garden, you see beauty, and you also see ecosystems where everything depends on everything else. A global society is like this; it's beautiful, and technology has put us all in contact with each other in ways that make us interdependent. A good word I read about was "interbeing." That is a new word made up by an important teacher.

Anyway, you need to have something to say about it -- something original.

How to write the essay:
You know that the first sentence of a paragraph should be a TOPIC SENTENCE that tells the main idea of the paragraph... so, write one topic sentence to answer each question:

A good definition of "diversity" is ...

Diversity plays a role that is ...

The inevitable challenges that come from diversity include...

For each sentence, you'll need to write the rest of a paragraph, complete with an example sentence, another entence or two of explanation, and a conclusion sentence for the paragraph.

Then, look at the 3 paragraphs and ask yourself what the main theme is for this essay that is taking form. What is the theme that emerges as YOU give YOUR unique perspective to answer these questions? Whatever it is, explain it in an intro paragraph and stick it on the beginning. Then, go to the end and write the conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Some kinds of paid work affect badly to mental, physical and spiritual development of children [2]

I don't know how to score it. :-(

Great corrections, Azeri!

Hey, I think you should have more sentences in that first paragraph. Introduce the 2 sides of the argument and their reasons. Then, in the last sentence of the first paragraph, choose a side and argue for it!! :-)

Today In modern societies, children usually are encouraged live independently from early age. Too many commas make reading the essay like driving in bad traffic.

Research Papers / Quantitative Research paper-should same sex couples be allowed to adopt children [6]


The teacher should provide a set of guidelines! If s/he does not, then you should be allowed to follow a common format for a research article:

Intro
background
problem statement
research questions
literature review
metods
results (where the charts go)
discussion
conclusion

If you have never done this before, use survey research! It is an easy quantitative method.

Google this: how to conduct survey research.

That should get you started!

It is tricky, though, because it is impossible to really answer the question. You can use quant methods to answer something like this: What are the prevalent religious practices of people who feel strongly that same sex couples should be allowed to adopt?

What are the prevalent religious practices of people who feel strongly that same sex couples should not be allowed to adopt?

You can use survey that lets them fill in the blank about their religion (or non-religion)

google this: Likert scale
It might help you.

Writing Feedback / Fatherhood should be considered as important as motherhood [3]

I don't know how to score the test, but you write very clearly with only minor mistakes!

I like Azeri's idea of adding one more point, if possible.

Here is another option for these two sentences:
Today, men play a role as important as the role played by women in bringing children up and looking after them. Men and women also have equal rights, so they take equal responsibility for their children.

:-)

Essays / Economics Environment - Energy Conservation [2]


Yes, great place to start.

Well, are we talking about renewable energy? If that is what you mean, search the database for it in " " marks: "renewable energy"

Search also for:
"nuclear energy" benefits risks
efficient energy use
decrease consumption energy

Google this: top 10 renewable energy sources

How to get the outline:
Write one paragraph about each article
When you have several paragraphs, look at them to see if there is a theme that is common to all of them... something that connects them together.

Write about that theme as your thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / argumentive essay on abortion - fallacies? [3]


I think the politically correct thing to say is "pro choice" rather than pro abortion! :-)

You wrote: "a fetus is not life." -- here is a fallacy. It's not a logical fallacy, but just an ordinary fallacy. If you google the "characteristics of living things" you'll see that it is life.


We all are dependent on our environment and cannot live without it.

Google this: When Does Human Life Begin?

And have you heard of partial birth abortions? Even late term abortions are obviously baby killing. I mean, that thing is obviously a baby with hands and a brain and all the rest... However, there is a reasonable argument for pro choice:

Keep it legal, because people have been aborting babies since the beginning of human life on earth, and they are going to do it no matter what the law says. Keeping it legal keeps it safe.

Even pro choice people can probably agree that abortion, though it may be the woman's right and may be appropriate according to some reasoning and in some circumstances, is kind of horrifying.

I mean, if we put the whole debate aside and just think of what it is, it is horrifying.

Do you think it is okay for a couple to have unprotected sex and just routinely get abortions when necessary?

Nevertheless, I am not arguing pro life or pro choice. I can't for an opinion, because it is one of those problems with no solution. Like I said, it is inherently horrifying, but we can't prevent it. That is a strong argument, I think.

One other reason that I am pro abortion is that many women who seek to terminate their pregnancy are pregnant against their own will because of incidents involving rape.--- I think this is a strong paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / A mystic path [8]


Well said! And in the past few years I have been so excited to discover the principle of "energy goes wherever you put the mind." that is how Qigong works, and it is why acupuncture works. If I use a needle to bring your energy along a meridian, it affects you.

And then meditation can be used for energy collection. If my attention is on the scenery and the people, my energy is being emitted, but if I close my eyes to meditate... meditation is one of the few activities that bring the attention inside the body, and that is why meditation works!

We put the attention on that spot where the cool air hits the center of the brain as we inhale, and the effects of meditation begin. We put the attention at the center of the lower abdomen, and it is even better!

I wanted to share that with you, because it must have been the most important thing I have learned about... maybe you already knew about this principle "energy goes where you put the mind."


nice... sounds like something from the Tao Te Ching... you can find the Tao without leaving home.

Yes, anyway... supposedly "enlightenment" is a result of energy collection. the 3rd eye "opens" when we increase the electrical charge...

You really should check out amazon.com/Qigong-Meditation-Embryonic-Yang-Jwing-Ming/dp/1 886969736 my favorite book.

Undergraduate / Engineering: Outlining reasons about why I've decided to apply for college [3]

The world of engineering has always fascinated me (Replace this sentence wth a sentence you might say to your friend in order to get him interested in engineering... make it a sentence about why engineering is meaningful.)

I cannot help but feel a sense of wonder about the fact that everything in my room and my surroundings had something to do with an engineer. --- this is a good sentence! Chop off that first one and let this be your "hook" to hook the reader's attention at the start of an essay.

My father, an engineer, was one of the people who inspired me to pursue engineering ever since I was a child. --- as you engineer your essay, remove all unhelpful or unnecessary words. "one of the people who" is like fat weighing down the essay.

I dedicated my senior years in high school to the pursuit of this goal.

This situation has now changed; my family moved to the United States, and I'm on my own. I did better ...

I like the ending! You can improve this a lot by talking about plans you have for the future... show that you have a vision for your work as an engineer, and show that you have a plan with specific details. Specific, detailed plans reflect seriousness and passion.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Daddy's Little Princess - analytical essay [2]

Though John Smith says it for what he means to say, with an intention to be ironic, I find it to become the central message of the movie.

...our everyday teenagers, who don't know any better for most of the time. according to the parents . Though the rebellious part is not the only thing that Pocahontas has in common with modern teenagers, she is starting out her life journey just like the majority of teens, who will from time to time find themselves lost, and perhaps will never really understand what their life goals are, but the journey has to continue. --- very nice sentence!!

lovely and lively--- nice!!!

The other link Pocahontas shares with modern teenagers is the quest of life's uncertainties. --- you have good topic sentences.

... in Pocahontas suggests: "You can't step into the water twice, since water is always changing". Things are the same in life; the passing period never stops just like the river will always flow, and we will always change.

...rebellious nature and who is always lost, eager to find the right path.

I love the ending.

Undergraduate / How will IIT prepare you to be a positive contributor to the world? [5]

I don't understand the part about asking God to create you. Do you mean "recreate you" or "create you anew"??? Try this:

The reason why I asked God to create me anew, and the reason for being human are to do everything that I can for my nation, and for people around the world. I should use my body and my brain completely to satisfy my desire to create and help. For a long time my country and my parents have given me everything that I need.

My debt is enormous and I have little time to give it back. I strongly believe that Illinois Institute of Technology will help me to reach my goal and not to so that I do not have to beg again God to recreate me.

Becoming a student of ... --- many of your sentences are very good!

I know how much strength I can gain by asking for something. Even though I am young and strong I was ...

But there are many students who are in worse situations than mine. And when I graduate, I will do tremendous works to help these students and give them beliefs to encouragement to succeed in their lives.

Essays / Gun ownership, gender differences, Abe Lincoln - RN degree essays to complete [3]

That's cool advice Noto.
Hi Sue, nice to meet you!
Be sure not to think about all three challenges at once! Think only about one thing: your first article about gun control. Just read it and enjoy it. Younger students may have the advantage of being in practice with their composition, and understanding computers, but we older students have the advantage of being able to enjoy reading articles! I recommend questia. Learn how to use the "bibliography" function on questia.com

Go to questia and type key words into the search box: "gun control" (inside " " marks)
Read one article and write one paragraph.. maybe two. Write a little about what the author said. Sometimes you only need to read the intro and conclusion. If there is an abstract that is even better!

It will get easy. Soon, research writing will feel like... as natural as reading. And questia makes your bibliography (i.e. reference list) for you automatically.

Write 1 or 2 paragraphs about each article! Remember to start paragraphs with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.

Questia costs money. You can try it for a month for 20 bucks. We have no affiliation with them, but I use them because they are great. You can also use your school's database, though.

Search for "biological gender differences" "gender equality" "gender issues"

If you use " " marks, you'll get articles that have the exact phrase. If you don't get many search results, take away the " " marks.

How about starting with the article review! Google this: how to write an article review

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Modern Times: Man vs. Machine" Essay Feedback for my online English class [3]

That first para needs another sentence or two. It especially needs another sentence on the end so that the paragraph concludes with something other than a general statement about what the film was about. Don't end the 1st para with a sentence about the premise of the film; end it with a sentence about the unique premise of your essay -- your unique idea about it, which you express in your essay.

one essay = one big idea

In "Modern Times", Charlie Chaplin brings his---- it is a waste of space to name the film again. For powerful writing, don't include anything that is unnecessary.

The film reinvents its own title; it transcends what were "modern times" in 1936, and it is every bit as ...

I see that you use the title of the film a few more times, too. It's better to name the title only once or twice -- perhaps at the beginning and end.

This is messed up here:
"Modern Times," A a story about man vs. machine, individual vs. "the system," and hope in the face of a world that seems to have grown apart from humanity, "Modern Times" is an inspiration! It is not...--- I fixed it by getting rid of that second occurrence of the title.

This is very cool as a review of the film, but if you want your essay to be meaningful of itself, rather than borrowing the meaningfulness of the film, you should make your own unique observation in addition to telling about the premise of the film.

You construct sentences very well! There were mistakes, but you do have a really sophisticated approach to writing sentences.

Writing Feedback / 'students' interests in culture learning'; Learning A Language Through Culture [4]

A most widely accepted view about language learning is that students should learn a language through immersion in the target culture.

It goes without saying that language learning, at any rate, is culture learning.--- good point!! When you do your phd dissertation, I think you will enjoy using grounded theory because of your interest in language.

Some people complain that, while learning to count numbers in Chinese, their Mandarin teachers never told them to skip the numbers of 4, 13 and 14 (no comma necessary here) when counting the floors of a building in Shanghai, because they are very unlucky numbers according to the local culture.--- that is such a great idea! If the number is unlucky, just skip it and make the 3rd floor the 4th floor.

You are very good at this kind of sentence that has an "extra phrase" added with commas: From all above, it is evident that, much as culture learning has gained insights into effective communication, we should ...

Sometimes it is also nice to use a short sentence, because it musters all the essays energy and hits the reader with it all at once. Short ones punch like fists. You can get a different effect with different styles of sentences. Practice them, because you are talented with language.

Undergraduate / LOSING A FRIEND TRANSFER UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSION ESSAY [3]

Don't be afraid to end the sentence and start a new one. "There was a plane crash. Everyone died, and it's likely the plane Antonia boarded." ---- oh my God, you really lost someone in a plane crash. I swear I am never going on a plane again... I'm sorry for your loss. It seems like such a crazy thing we do, flying in planes.

Losing someone so dear to you is like losing a precious priceless Gold. --- now wait a minute... it is not good to compare her to material stuff like gold.

What is up with this?---> I willAlways remember...

I will always remember the day my best friend passed away.

We went to elementary school together, and middle school together
and were ...

I thought to myself about the pain her parents must be going through losing an only child.

Everything felt abnormal to me that night. Life could be so cruel; laying on my bed that night brought memories -- memories of how we had planned to be successful lawyers from the day we watched a particular TV program as little children. --- very nice description! Add an adjective somewhere, an imagery word!

Use a comma here:
This may sound like a childish ideology, but from watching that TV program our great yearning to go to college and then law school started.

My heart's desire and long time goal is to be a lawyer, and the first stage in the long process that awaits me is to acquire a degree which I know I would do my very best in, in order to

accomplish my goal of becoming a lawyer one day. through your fine institution.

I have chosen to study at your university because based on my researched i believe it is is a diverse university and would be very flexible. for me .

It would be great if you had some more reasons, like maybe you want to learn from a particular professor at the school

Keep reading and writing for practice. You need to improve your writing in order to succeed as a lawyer. I recommend Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

Good luck!!! :-)

:-)

I

Undergraduate / My Vision Of Pakistan, essay to a college. Constructive criticism. [2]

no comma necessary here:
realized that activity ...

This is such an impressive sentence!!
These university-going, lower middle class girls had not only surpassed impediments of anti-progressive traditions, of remaining homebound and marrying early, but also by seeking education had refused a time-honored role, secondary...---- Do you see where I added a hyphen? When you put 2 words together to form a new word with a unique meaning, usually you need a hyphen.

Your writing is really very impressive. I wonder if you realize that you have this talent; most people cannot write like that.

Now here is one more correction for that sentence:
...secondary to that of men .
No need for the apostrophe. You can show possession by using the apostrophe OR by saying "the "role of men" but you don't need to do both. If I write, "They refused the role which was secondary to that of men," I don't need an apostrophe.

enlightenment enlightenment
... had tortured the impressionable minds, seeking enlightenment, with adverse psychological effects.--- this gets convoluted... the minds were seeking enlightenment... a lot is happening in this sentence. How about this:

...had tortured the impressionable minds that sought enlightenment.

The ending is great. I am excited about the contributions you'll make in this world. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Cogito ergo sum". (cause and effect) [2]

Matter exists for no other reason then than to allow our observation of it.

That experiment where they say it is either a wave or a particle... depending on the observer... is something I have been trying to fully understand for years. I still have trouble knowing how they are using the words "wave" and "particle." You did a great job here of expounding the process of the experiment, though.

The first time I heard of this was in books by Deepak Chopra. Ever read his stuff? he is my hero.

If we do not think then we latterly (literally?) will not exist.

One possible misconception here is that these strange things happen at the subatomic level... not necessarily in our world, because subatomic things seem to act differently, according to my understanding of stuff I read.

This seems to need some citations! You are supposed to cite the articles where you get your info from. However, maybe this is not required for this assignment?

:-)

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for Msc International Business and Corporate Social Responce [2]

Needless to say, there is some profit in these activities, which they will reap, one way or another. --- right after this sentence, I suggest one more sentence before ending the paragraph. Let it be a thesis statement that captures the meaning of the whole essay, the idea you want the reader to remember.

I am having trouble understanding the point you are trying to make when you talk about how corp. social responsibility ... goes unnotices in Ghana? Why do you say only the narrow minded would think Ghana as a nation has fully appreciated the concept of CSR?

Why do I want to study this course? The answer is simple: I want to explore more into the subject and its implications and impact on the livelihood and living standards of the locals.

I have enjoyed a holistic approach in my first degree in the social sciences and have become very interested in the implications CSR have on the development of any economy and social policy making and implementation. --- very impressive!!

Also, I intend to impart the knowledge gained through teaching and research. You already said something lsimilar to this in the previous paragraph.

:-) Your writing is impressive!!!

Graduate / 'It wasn't a quick decision' - SOP for a Master Degree in Chemical Engineering part-time [6]

I remembered that I used to do some of the easy experiments in my home after school. --- this is not a very powerful sentence. The last sentence of the paragraph should be a very meaningful one, because it lingers in the reader's mind.

ESPECIALLY the first paragraph.

So... think of a sentence that you want the reader to remember, and add it to the end of that first paragraph.

also:
Also, working in oil stabilization and NGL plants these days has led me to make this decision to start a master degree program in chemical engineering in order...

:-)

Graduate / McGill M.Arch in "Cultural Mediation and Technology" - statement letter [9]

nice!! congratulations. Did you ever doubt that they would accept you?!!

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Fewer words. That is always the answer. That's why Yoda and all the Zen masters use short phrases.

Right at the beginning, hit the reader with a concept that makes this essay meaningful and unique. all you have to do is make an assertion about the significance of your chosen field, but make it in a way that the reader might disagree with. That gets the reader involved. In a research paper, it is called having an "arguable thesis," but it works in other places, too.

Right in that first paragraph, you can make a claim, like: A background in physics gives me a unique perspective on cognition, emotion, awareness, and decision-making processes, because I can see underlying principles that unity physics and psychology.

The reader says, "Really? That seems interesting... a physics-psychologist. Let me keep reading and see if I agree about this notion that a physicist has a special perspective."

:-)

Scholarship / "always standing in front of brick walls" - Scholarship Essay and Autobiography [6]

Put a comma on each side of the name you insert into the sentence:
... these words are from computer science professor, Mr. Randy Pausch, in his last lecture.

number agreement:
...heard that students in other countries had their own personal computers .

Usually a comma is put before "such as"
halfway across the earth and lived in many countries, such as...

How about italics for this part:
All of the cells in my body simply shouted, I need to know more. I'm thirsty to learn more. Like my childhood dream of having a computer, this need is difficult to fulfill because my budget is limited, and I have skipped unnecessary items. But I need ...

I love the ending!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Do married women usually work? Why and why not? [3]

The title is a question: "Do married women usually work?" This is not the same as "Should married women usually work?" Check to make sure you are answering the question that is asked.

... that married women nowadays have right to take up jobs like men, and it is appropriate that employment discrimination based on gender have has been erased significantly.

This is really necessary in cases of where the husband's salary is low, or where the husband is having difficulty getting a good job at the present .

Last but not least, nowadays, there are many supporting conditions that help women balance housework and work. Besides the government' s policies on limited families and their husbands' sharing in the housework, many ...

In conclusion, a well-organized home does not need the housewife's presence the whole day long and married women could go to work in order to enjoy the working life outside the home.---- Nice, you write very well in English. I hope we will soon make even more progress, so that nobody will think of housework as something the woman should do. Housework is housework. In the 21st century, men have to admit that women can do everything we can do... and oftentimes they can even do it better! :-D

Writing Feedback / I think that wealthy nations are not required to share wealth among poor nations [7]


Using a variety of words is not so important. It is important to use a word and really understand how it will affect the reader... taking the reader deep into the experience you are providing.

In my opinion, the governments of poor nations have to be responsible for looking after their citizens, (no apostrophe necessary here)themselves since it is their own responsibility and benefits the whole nation.

First of all, looking out for citizens is the most important responsibility of governments.The governments are established to represent for their people,their nations in the world.Hence,the government always works for the benefit of the country and the people of their country . People are the most treasured ...

The world can only be better built if rich nations build a perfect world when they make considerable contributions to the world and to poorer countries.Consequently,sharing their wealth to with poor nations is the appropriate action to take.

works to the peace and sustainable developments globally. Sustainable development is the creation of resources that is done in a way that will not hurt the environment of deplete resources.

You must use "country" to mean one country if you say each... like... each individual country.
Overall, each country has to try to ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Trying to get accepted into an ACT Academy [12]

Do you know that old grammar rule about not ending sentences with prepositions?
I plan to continue to utilize leadership skills I've developed over the years and gain as much experience and knowledge as possible through the organizations in which I have participated and those with which I am currently involved. with .

How about that? A little clunky, but properly constructed sentences sometimes are...

One good style rule I learned only recently is to follow "this" with a noun. It always is an improvement:
This set of experiences in turn has helped strengthen my faith and allowed enabled me to do over 200 hours of community service to represent local Catholic teens in our area.

I also got rid of in turn, because it was superfluous, and I changed allowed to enabled, because I think it is cool to use enabled when that is what you mean, instead of allowed... allowed is slightly different, though some people use it interchangeably with enabled.

Therefore, allowing me to participate in the ACT Academy will ...--- here, "allowed" is good because you hope they will allow you.

Therefore Allowing me to participate ...--- you are so smart, I know you will be good at critical thining when you study it. Critically think about word choice, like this one with therefore. You know what therefore means... so... you know why it does not belong in this sentence, I think.

Allowing me to participate in the ACT Academy will help improve my test-taking skills and learn strategies that might help me test better. achieve better outcomes. I strongly believe I have the ability to benefit from this experience and become better prepared to face challenges life has to offer, as well as, continue the pursuit of academic excellence, and set ambitious goals essential for future career aspirations beyond my high school years. This opportunity can give me the insight to college admissions and academics and allow me to experience campus life.

:-)

please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Poetry / poem on war [2]


I want 1,250 thanks, or the deal's off!

amber-tinted what?
The greens and reds, the browns and amber-tinted, amber tint
I would change it to amber tint.

Resting and trembling, the army begins to awaken
At To hostile noises, (growing from campfires--what does this part mean?).

What do you mean by "low eyes"...?
Reluctantly, low eyes passed to see
Across which revealed low hills of corpses.

I don't understand this part either:
Were it banks of liquid mud could eyes cast,
Become gleams of eagerness, once more?

I can tell you have a great sense of rhythm for poetry... all you have to do is work on making the reader experience what you want him to experience. That requires simplification, reduction... say only what you can say in a way that will be unerstood how you want it to be understood.

If you try to capture concepts that require more explanation than you are going to give, it gets ambiguous... and ambiguit does have its place in poetry, but only if it is deliberate. I advise you to simplify your ideas so that the reader can understand exactly what you mean... not always, ut just a little right now as an exercise.

:-)

Essays / Choosing thesis and topics for my essay (5 related topics) [6]

1.) Did you say you need to write 2 essays?
I am confused. Do you need to write one essay about 5 related topics?

2.) I hope you will type some of the teacher's instructions to help us understand what you need to do. When you type them, it will be good writing practice.

3.) Think of 5 topics that you know a lot of good English words for. How about a topic related to learning a language?

4.) Write some sentences. Please write at least 5 or 10 sentences about a topic, and we will start by correcting your errors. Soon, you will have an essay! :-)

Writing Feedback / Bertrand Russell's arguments agains the existence of God - my philosophy paper. [2]

I have been asked to provide a counterargument to one of Bertrand Russell's arguments against the existence of God, a task that I humbly accept. I have chosen to discuss This introduction makes you seem like the opposite of humble. Also, the fact that you mention having been asked suggests that you are only doing it because you have been asked, but you do not specify what you really think.

This is also false on the grounds that it confuses what God could do and what God would do. --- wow, good explanation here...

My analysis of the argument has pointed out a breakdown in Russell's reasoning. Instead of this, how about a sentence that lists the main points you made, so th reader will remember.

...one has been able to refute conclusively the assertion that God exists.

Having recently written this, you might enjoy the intro to C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, because it is all about this same topic. :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS-TASK1]Multi-chart Music Preference [6]

The table provides a breakdown by selected music accesses surveyed in Tokyo, with the pie chart indicating the worldwide preference of live and recorded music among young people. The purpose of showing Tokyo's information on the table along with the global information on the pie chart was to ...

(I think adding that would help to improve the whole essay.)

...for which 19% males and 22% females voted. respectively .
the way to use "respectively" is like this:
The males and females accounted for 19% and 22% respectively.

don't forget, minority and majority are singular, not plural:
There were was only a tiny minority of four percent

Writing Feedback / [IELTS-TASK1]Bar Chart of the Welsh Highest Qualification 2001/02 [3]

Besides degrees, only a tiny minority of the working population had higher education qualifications, with nine percent for men and almost ten percent for women.

...the pattern was totally reversed.--- "reverse" (as an adjective) was not wrong, but I think "reversed" (as a verb) is better.

In general, it is obvious that in Wales more males than females were holding high qualifications.

:-)

Writing Feedback / you agree/disagree with ;'' it is better for children to grow up in the big city [5]

In addition they would not be affected by complicated social evils, such as drugs, drinking in bars, or discos.---- Ha ha, I am not certain that discos are evil. Weird, maybe, but not evil.

:-)

In sum, I think children should grow up in the countryside rather than in a big city.

It is better for children grow up in the countryside than a big city. The effect of the surrounding environment is very important with children. So that think children are grown up in a big city they will have more conditions to develop themselves---? I am not sure what you eant o say, but it seems that Wei helped to figure it out!!! :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS-TASK1]Bar Chart of the UK Economy Structure [3]

The bar chart describes changes in ---- I would write, "The bar chart depicts..." or the bar chart shows...
If you say describe, it sounds like a verbal explanation, but a chart is a visual representation.

The bar chart describes shows changes in the percentage of the British economy, over the course of a century, associated with each of three different sectors contributing to British economy in the last century : agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services.

On the contrary, the roles played by business and financial services in ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS-TASK1] Progress Diagram of Seawater Desalination [6]


This sentences is so well-constructed. It has nice rhythm.

Wei, all of this is excellent. I see only one error:
The incoming water is chlorinated to minimize the growth of fouling organisms on the pipe-works and tanks.

Everything about this essay is so clear and elegantly expressed. I'm not trying to blow happy sunshine at you... I'm just saying this is some very professionally written material.

Undergraduate / National Honors Society Long Essay, commited to qualities, for review [3]

Visiting and ----> organizing:
Examples include visiting nursing homes and organizing food drives.

Hi Amanda, you obviously write very well!
I suggest not including the Girl Scout Law poem. I also suggest making some changes to the first paragraph: write from the perspective of an adult committed to benefiting girls... not the perspective of one of the girls.

If you take out the poem and rewrite the first paragraph, you can tell about how your involvement with Girl Scouts helped you to determine what you are interested in for the future -- being a leader and a resource and a teacher. You don't know exactly what you want to do professionally -- probably a lot of things -- but you do know that you want to do for other kids what these adults have done for you.

...and your leadership experiences are impressive! :-)

Undergraduate / Assistance with: Common App Influential Figure Essay [5]

Hi Andrew, I don't know how we overlooked your essay. Usually people don't have to wait so long to get feedback. I must have made a mistake...

Here is a compound sentence. Compound sentences need a comma after the conjunction:
My uncle, Doan L. Phung, is the antithesis to that statement, and that is why he is a primary figure from which I draw my inspiration. ----- this sentence is structured very well.

My uncle was born in the village of Bat Trang, which resides in the poverty-stricken nation of Viet Nam.--- the village does not reside. People reside. How about this:

My uncle was born in Bat Trang, s]resides one of many poverty-stricken villages in Vietnam.

I like "physician"
More importantly, he has inspired me to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor physician and confronting the rigorous coursework that such a goal entails.--- I also changed confront to confronting, not because your way was wrong but because it could sound wrong even though it is not.

My uncle endured the hardships of poverty firsthand, and thereby has gained immense empathy for those who are suffering from its grasp.

:-) nice job, you write better than most of the people I know!

Poetry / Five sense poem about an emotion [7]

Jealosy Jealousy smells like is the smell of a bittersweet summer romance.

I like this ... in the face, blinding you. I like how you add "blinding you" at the end even though you don't have to.

I was thinking about omitting some words to streamline the thing:

Jealousy is the color of a wrecking ball hitting you in the face, blinding you.
Smells like is the smell of a bittersweet summer romance.
Jealousy is t The taste is like that of a rotten apple.
Jealousy is the earsplitting sound of smashing glass hitting the floor.
Looks like a stingy person who only wants more and more
I feel like I am being torn apart. slowly .

So it goes:
1st line starts with "Jealousy"
2nd
3rd

4rth line starts with "Jealousy"
5th
6th
this gives it some orderliness to soothe the reader.