Undergraduate / DON BLOW TOO HARD! - my admission essay advice [3]

Good morning.

Because the prompt and/or instructions for this essay were not posted, I can edit for mechanics and grammar only.

In regards to the title, do you mean "Don't"?

In the first paragraph, I suggest you run this piece through a spell checking program such as Word or the Mozilla Firefox web browser (you can get it for free at mozilla.com). Also, avoid contractions in formal academic writing as they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.

In the fourth paragraph, make sure that when you use quotation marks to indicate sarcasm or to indicate an alternative meaning to a word, that you enclose the word in double quotation marks. For instance, 'towering' should be "towering."

"Vaguely, I realized that it was thundering outside, bu t that was nothing to the drumming of my heart."

"The secret behind my hard work ?"

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / high school stereotypes - U of Michigan short answer [3]

Good morning.

A few suggestions. First, watch the inappropriate use of semi colons. For instance, "..."jock" stereotype, always trying to...". Make sure that you stay in the same tense throughout your whole piece. For instance, you start out in past tense, but switch to present tense with "...that I'll fall into..." it should be "I would." Also, make sure you avoid contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.

You've got a good example to answer the prompt with, so after you clean the piece up mechanically, you'll have a great response to the prompt. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "awakened to Lonnie Liston Smith's 'A Gift of Love'" - UF Entrance Essay [4]

Good morning.

Mechanically, a couple of suggestions. When you are naming a book, or song, or movie, check the necessary formatting style of your required citation style. For instance, some citation styles require titles to be in italics, or in double quotation marks. When you are using quotation marks, as you do in this piece, make sure your punctuation is inside the quotation marks, and that double quotation marks (") are used, not single ones (').

In regards to content, you've got a good example to use here, but you don't really link that to how this experience will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. To fulfill this part of the prompt, you can either add on a new paragraph at the end, or you can work it into one of the earlier paragraphs.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / It's Not All About the Sticks - extracurricular essay [3]

Much better; you tie up the title to your content making the whole piece fluid. Nice work.

Undergraduate / A visit back home: UF essay- Help is greatly appreciated! [2]

You've got a good illustration here and you do a good job of describing your experience and how it has changed you. The prompt asks you to link that experience to how you will contribute to the UF campus, so that's what you need to focus on how. You can add on a new paragraph at the end of the campus or work it into one of the earlier sections, whichever feels better to you.

Essays / "Which kind of college student are you?" - Classification Essay Help [4]

You're very welcome.
I'm sure once you get started, you'll do just fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I have wanted to attend The University of C Florida - Personal statement. [3]

This is a good personal statement. Perhaps you could expand a little more on the project that had such an impact on you, and why this university would be such a good fit for your career goals. For example, what is it exactly about this university that is so spectacular in this particular field of study?

Nice work.

Grammar, Usage / Styles of Writing assignment - strenghts and weaknesses of an author's style? [5]

Good afternoon.

Well, strengths would be the reasons that make the author's style particularly good :) For instance, some say that Dickens is a good writer because he has a talent for personifying weather elements, for instance the fog in "Bleak House." Others would say that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has a knack for stating the obvious. On the other hand, some have said that Ayn Rand uses circular thinking to justify her ideals, or that Hunter Thompson's style is too abstract for regular readers. It sounds like you are being asked to critique the writing style of a certain author. As such, I suggest you do some searches on the internet for critical analysis of pieces from this particular author. That will give you an idea of what the critics out there have already published on this particular writer. This should jump start and give you some examples as to what others are thinking. Of course, there will also need to be some of your own original analysis in this paper. What is your personal opinion of this writer? Do you think he/she is a good writer? Why? Why not? This is all that critiquing really is; whether you think it is good or not and why.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you- China Earthquakes [5]

Good afternoon.

I begin here by suggesting that you cut out a lot of the extra details. For instance, is "It had been my dream to be accepted to the four month exchange since the 6th grade, when the first group to go came to my class with pictures and stories. The group went during the SARS scare, and had to return from their trip early because of concerned parents and supervisors; however the close friendship they shared and the undeniable sense of adventure of it all drew me in" absolutely integral to the essay? If not, remove it or condense it down to one short sentence. You can then use the freed up space to discuss more about how this experience has changed you as a person. For example, how are you different now than when you went on the trip? What are the specific reasons for those changes? Are you a better or worse person because of this experience? The more you can evaluate or examine the specific aspects of this change the more appropriate your essay will be to the prompt.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Which kind of college student are you?" - Classification Essay Help [4]

Good afternoon.

I would begin by setting up your requirements. What standards make what kind of student? For example, does an exceptional student need to have a certain GPA, a certain social status, or play a specific sport? Or, you could discuss what aspects of being a student are important to you and then describe how you fit them, and then apply those or other aspects to other students.

If all else fails, pose this question to your instructor and see what his/her suggestions are.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on labor and Delivery Pain [2]

Good morning.

You have a very nice introduction; it lays the groundwork for what you will discuss in the paper. It is very specific, and is very concise.

In the second paragraph, good explanation and citation of your source. Make sure you place "the" in front of newborn in this passage though.

In the third section, make sure you are properly spacing between your words. For instance, there should be a space between the numbers and the first ellipses.

In the fourth section, "...pain, and thus, it is commonly..."

In the fifth paragraph, "...Wong & Perry (2006, p. 447),..." this comma is unnecessary and should be removed. Also, "...usually simple, safe, and provide the woman..."

In the sixth paragraph, "...delivery. (Russell & Reynolds, 1997)" This period should go after the last ellipse; this goes also for the second citation in this paragraph, and the third, and the fourth. :)

In the last paragraph, I don't have any suggestions! Yay!

This is an excellent paper. You are very knowledgeable in the topics you discuss, you are extremely organized, and the body follows your introduction perfectly. You use great citations to support your assertions, and you have a very confident tone and a strong voice. What a pro! Very nice work.

When you get the conclusion finished, feel free to post it here and I can go over that as well. Again, good job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Management class Research paper [7]

Good morning.

It is difficult for me to say whether or not you have met your instructor's expectations for this paper because I am not a member of you class or familiar with your instructor's grading rubric. As such, my comments here will be very general in nature.

You write, "Please let me know if I have accomplished this in the paper before." Before what? I am not sure as to what you mean here.

You have quite a few quotes and many statistics here. Make sure you are properly citing them, following the rules of your required citation style, and including a bibliography or a works cited page if the style requires it. This will not only make your paper stronger and more credible, it will also help you avoid accusations of plagiarism or false statistics.

Make sure you avoid contractions in formal academic writing. They are inappropriate, and many professors will count down for their use. Also, avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic papers as it is inappropriate. Try using "I" or "one" instead.

Make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns or the first words in sentences; if the word is neither, it should not be capitalized. For instance, "Arts, Entertainment, and Recreational Services" should only have "Arts" capitalized.

Make sure that all dialogue, even self dialogue, is contained within quotation marks. For instance, in your conclusion, "...you have to ask yourself, why not me. I..." should be "...you have to ask yourself, "Why not me?" I...".

Your conclusion is a pretty good one; it ties up the main tenet of your paper, and lets your readers know it is the end. Your introduction is a good opening to the piece, letting your readers know specifically what it is that you will discuss in the paper. Overall, a good paper. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / THE JUNGLE ESSAY #2 - how Sinclair demonizes capitalism? [6]

Good morning.

Analysis means to look at, or evaluate, how the author demonizes capitalism. Look closely at the writing techniques (metaphor, personification, etc.) that he uses to tell the story as well as create the characters.

I suggest you go through the text and pick out a few examples, to start with, where Sinclair villanizes capitalism. What literary technique does he use to show the criminality of the characters or the way of conducting business? For example, does the unscrupulous and conniving way the landlords and real estate agents sell and let out the homes for the packing workers show the bad character of Sinclair's version of capitalism in this piece?

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / a voyage to a hill tribe village - on Comm App short essay. [3]

You have a great example here, and a good response to the prompt. You don't give too many unnecessary details, but instead just enough to illustrate your reasoning. I found very few mechanical errors, so overall it looks like a good essay.

Essays / Help with essay: How does "language" represent you [2]

Good morning.

I suggest by starting with an outline. Write down the main points you want to cover in the piece and then jot down one supporting fact or detail about each main point. If you want, and depending on the length of your paper, you can add more examples, stories, or interesting facts about each main point. Use your conclusion to restate to your audience the main points you discussed in the paper, and give them a sense of closure and satisfaction. As to the introduction, I suggest writing it last. After all, how are you to write an introduction to a paper that hasn't been written yet?

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / personal essay about me, MELANIE ROSE ZUNIGA [2]

Good morning.

As the prompt and/or instructions for this essay were not included in the posting, I can edit for mechanics and grammar only:

"My name is Melanie Rose Zuniga. I was raised in Queens, New York. I stoodWhat do you mean here? in queensShouldn't this be capitalized?until I was 6 years old, went to ps. 12 only till kindergarten.What is this? I MovedWhy is this capitalized? to West Orange New Jersey back in 1997. I attended Pleasantdale Elementary School starting at 1st grade till 5th grade. Grade 6 till 8th grade wentThis sentence is incomplete; there is a predicate but no subject. to Edison Middle school. Now I'll be graduating from West Orange High School the end of June.

I'm The Last child of 3. I have 2 brothers that are older then me. I have wonderful parents named Flora Zuniga and Luis Zuniga. My ethnic back ground is Peruvian from my mother and Costa Rican from my father. My parents are my strength to always be motivated toward my education. They always have told me that I will be the best; I just need to push myself in that path. I love that my parents always have been here through out all my struggles and also have seen what I achieved throughout my childhood.

Attending Pleasantdale elementary school my fifth grade year I got the privilege to be a student assistant. I would go to the school play ground and watch Pre School through 2ndUse words grade classes on their recesses time. I also had made time to reach out to the special education classes; most of the children had disabilities. I graduated 2002. I got a certificate for being a well rounded student. I Had Tutored at 5th grade to a family friend. H/font]er daughter was in 3rd grade she lacked in English. I have made this my passion to be a special education teacher. Being around kids I get so happy. I enjoy teaching; I have a great personality and I am always willing to hear about peoples problems and give advice back.

I have a lot to do with my community, school , and I take time to always be interactive to my family. I attended a Christian church back in 6th grade. My family is diverse; my mother is Christian and my father is catholic. I grew close to the pastor of my church that I went to. We had a lot of bible studies and cooking classes; went to bible camp to get closer and learn more about my religion.Again, another incomplete sentence; predicate with no subject.8th grade I got the chance to be a bible study teacher so more children can get involved and learn about god and the bible.

I did community service at Kessler institute. Started my junior year; till entering summer of my 12th grade.This is bad grammar. If you want to keep the sentence, I suggest combining the two with a semi colon into one, but make sure there is a subject for both sentences. Again, use words for the grade levels. I was working Monday 3 30 till 8 and Wednesdays 3 30 till 8Format; make sure you are writing the times completely; i.e. 3:30 . I worked at the gift shop. Worked at the cash register. We had hair cut sign up as well.What is the significance of this? Doing thatWhat? made me realize how to work with money. Some family members would come so we can wrap up a gift before going to visit the patient.What patient? This is a very confusing section. I always had company in the office. I t made me expand my personality, and hearing out other grand parent children that were in the rehabilitation center.OK, now you've got subjects but no predicates. Please use complete sentences in your writing. I finished my community service with 185 hours.

My High school experience for me is excellent. I started with a rough start my freshman year it was not as easy as being at middle school.This is a run on sentence.I did join clubs, been in F.B.L.A for 2 years currently my senior year I'm a historian of the club member ship.Another run-on sentence. My class for fashion merchandising hosted a fashion show. I'm in my school' s Spanish club, and every year we have a national luncheon and we had trips to different restaurants from varieties of cultures. What does that have to do with fashion merchandising? I am a teacher assistant for a special Ed class that suffers with disabilities.The class suffers with disabilities, or the students in the class suffer from disabilities? It's a class called family living.How should this be formatted? The students learn how to cook, clean, and do laundry. I t's an experience they can learn to live on their own. I am so thankful to have the experience. I have an internship job at my town's police department. Working at the records bureau, I have filed files. Answering the phone. Organize tickets given by officers. Parking permits as well.This is very choppy. It should be combined into one sentence using commas to join the different tasks of the series. I'm just like an assistant secretary to the detective and officers at the office. I can see my second major in becoming a police officer and studying criminal justice. I love that I have the experience to seek for my majors in college. I am looking forward to expanding my learning ability towards your college in my major, and graduating to see myselfliving in the real world experienceThis is a confusing sentence. Please clarify what you mean here. ."

I have made some notes, but I have not corrected every single instance of every single occurrence. For instance, I have corrected one "till" with "until" and then marked other instances in the piece where it needs to be corrected. The same with using words for grade levels, and inappropriate capitalization. Make sure that when you capitalize, the word is either a proper noun or the first word of a sentence. If it is neither, it should not be capitalized. There are several incomplete sentences throughout this piece, and I have noted them, along with run-ons that need to be corrected.

In regards to the conclusion, it should tie up to the introduction and restate the major points that you have covered in your piece. It should give your readers a sense of closure and satisfaction.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'I have flat feet'. Elaborate on activities (extratricculars, work activities..etc) [3]

I was finally able to get over my "special feet" and work with them to win soccer games.

I think your flow is good. It is difficult with such a restrictive word count to have an essay as fluid as most authors would like, but this one is great. You move from one point to another easily, and the introduction ties with the conclusion nicely. I did take out two sentences that were mainly just supporting details of your main point, and I think that will get you closer to that word count.

Good job.

Writing Feedback / [Analysis of Issue] Humans are becoming subservient to machines [4]

No, I don't think you lack examples; in fact, I think quite the opposite. My concern is that your teacher asked you to use examples out of a book, observations, or your experiences, and I wasn't sure if you had to tell in your paper if each example was out of a book, a personal experience, or an observation. That's all. You have a great paper; don't worry so much :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Program of study essay - any general guidelines and structure? [8]

Good evening.

I hope the two of you have great success working together.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Love is the answer to world's questions' - Essay on why love is important in life? [8]

You're very welcome.

Feel free to post here not only for feedback on essays, but any general language questions you have; I will do my very best to answer them for you!

Undergraduate / My strengths, talents, and interest - why do I wish to attend UHart? [2]

"I am hoping to garner higher..."

In regards to the content, I think you're on to something here. The thing that is hindering you though is your passive tone; it's very wishy-washy. Instead of saying "I am not exactly sure what I am most talented at..." say something like, "I take most pride in my writing. Going to the University of Hartford...". Be strong in your voice and your tone, and you will have a strong essay.

Your conclusion is very nice, and in your introduction you say that you found goals and dreams; keep that conviction throughout the rest of the piece.

Keep up the good work.

Writing Feedback / [Analysis of Issue] Humans are becoming subservient to machines [4]

I am not sure if you need to mention where you get your examples in the essay, because the prompt says that you should use examples from the book, real life, etc. but I'm unclear as to whether you need to state that in your piece or not; something to think about.

You've got good structure and organization here; each paragraph is contained, and you move cleanly from one point to the next.
Good job.

Undergraduate / IT achievement - University of Miami Admission Essay [2]

Good morning.

My mechanical suggestions are as follows:

First, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences.
Second, make sure you aren't using commas too excessively. There are a couple of spots that have them where they shouldn't be. For example, "In teams, we went to different schools..." here there should not be a comma. On the other hand, "...create the entire network infrastructure(There should be a comma here) and buy the equipment with a limited amount of money."

Third, avoid using contractions in academic writing. They are inappropriate and many professors will count down for their use.

In regards to content, the reflection in this version has much more depth. This version is a more adequate response to the prompt than the first.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "favorite quotation from an essay or book" - Princetone University (needs revision) [4]

As long as the quote is properly cited, you can post it here. If I do not have your whole essay it is very difficult for me to provide you with any meaningful assistance.

Essays / help on the play Doctor Faustus by Chritopher Marlowe [4]

Good morning.

I suggest beginning your research by doing an internet search using the keywords "Marlow" and "Faustus" to see what is already published on the subject. You can also look for critical reviews on the play. I also suggest researching into the play "Faust" because this was really the work that Marlow based his work on.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" [9]

OK, I'm assuming the above is the new conclusion.

One suggestion:

"...talented, a natural leader, and overall confident about my future.
I believe that with my sonas my inspiration, my qualities, and my will to help others, I can contribute to the UF campus community as much as it needs me too, especially in regards to academics.

I thank you in advance for giving me the opportunity to be a possible future student at t he University of Florida."

Much nicer, a cleaner ending. Good work.

Writing Feedback / Private Eloquence/ PAST EXPERIENCE [3]

I like the changes. It is more streamlined and much cleaner. A good response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / "Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" [9]

Just post the new conclusion, and I will be happy to look over it for you.

Undergraduate / how does Penn make a perfect match for you? [4]

I don't think so; you've done a very thorough job as it is. I think you've covered all of the major ones. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Name a professor with whom you would like to study or conduct research with [5]

Good evening.

Let's see...

I suggest taking out some of the ex tenuous detail and condensing your sentences. For instance, "Zhang questioned the idea that price wars are detrimental to industries in "The Art of Price War". He also explained the prerequisites of an aggressive pricing strategy. The diversity of views he can offer me would be ideal."

See if there are other areas where you think you can remove not-so-important information in order to showcase the more-important-information. It's difficult with such a restrictive character limit, but I think you'll do just fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Obstacles or 'bumps in the road in your academic or personal life [4]

Sure!

"...and I'm confident that..."

"...economical crisis don't help..."

"...center and I've noticed..."

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / teleporting mentally to a different world [4]

That would work as well. Generally, whatever tense is more natural and comes easier to you will reflect itself in your writing. Go with the flow, but just make sure it flows in the same direction :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: On Artificial Intelligence [8]

Good evening.

What is the prompt/requirements for this assignment? Please provide details.

Thanks.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / FSU admissions essay- worthy enough to attend Florida State University? [4]

Good evening.

Opening with a question here is fine; you kind of just have to take the tone of the essay, the formality of the circumstances, and the overall "feel" when trying to open with a question. Here is OK.

I also believe that "Vires" should be capitalized, as it was in the prompt. "Me" is a noun, but not a proper noun; it is a pronoun. Kind of tricky :)

"artes" should be formatted as "Artes."
High School shouldn't be capitalized.
"mores" should be formatted as "Mores"
"vires, artes, mores." Double check this one on your application: format it as they do. It is possible that it should be "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores." but I am not exactly sure how they format it.

"...strength to this institution."

Your content is improving more. Your detail is a little clearer, making your essay stronger. Your voice and overall tone are also getting stronger. Nice work!

Looking better!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / (business sense, role model, MBA degree) -Statement Of Goals [8]

Sounds great; it will then be a much stronger essay.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I am well prepared and primed" - FSU essay [3]

I like the new addition. I suggest changing the middle of the first sentence to be a little less wordy: "...is physically fit, then one is mentally fit as well if he or she has the power and mindset to excel at his or her goals."

Other than physical strength, I think it looks good. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Being a pharmacist will help me help others' - Why I chose UCF? [6]

I like this second piece better. It's much more concise and to the point. There aren't as many "fluffy" details and you have a much stronger voice in this piece. Don't capitalize health center, and avoid contractions in formal academic writing as much as possible. They are inappropriate, and many professors will count down for them. In regards to the conclusion, combine the last two sentences to make one, because the last one is a fragment. "Attending the University of Central Florida will give me every chance possible to fulfill anything and everything I would want to do while I'm in college, f rom obtaining an excellent education to experiencing the pride that comes with wearing the infamous black and gold to a football game."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Management class Research paper [7]

Most likely. Usually the marketing field is just that; they sell others' products to their targeted customers. For instance, let's say there is a woman in the marketing department or advertising department of a firm that handles Victoria's Secret's campaigns. Would her ideas be focused at a different point than her male counterpart's in regards to the content of the campaign? Or, on the other hand, would her point of view be different than his if the campaign were for Craftsman tools? Marketers and/or advertisers don't necessarily always work for the firm that makes the products they are trying to sell.

Does this help?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay about my weekend activities [3]

Your content is very thorough. You do a good job of introducing what you will discuss in the piece, you give quite a good amount of detail in the body, and your conclusion is very neat. A good essay overall.

Writing Feedback / essay about myself, when/where I was born, my study, hobbies, etc. [2]

"...I am the baggiest one." What does "baggiest" describe here? Do you mean biggest? I'm not sure... :)

"...company and because of that I decided to be in Biasness College." Do you mean "business" here? Also, college should not be capitalized.

"Last but not least, my hobbies are playing football (Remove comma) and basketball. A lso I like the internet and hanging out with my friends. My favorite kinds of music are Rock, Pop, Rap, and Hip Hop." These should not be capitalized.

"To conclude, I am one if I like something I got it, if I cant I just dream about it and hope to have it some time.This is awkward; perhaps rephrase to something like "I am the type of person who, if I want something I get it; if I can't, then I just dream about it and hope I get it sometime." I am not that much(What do you mean here? Please clarify.) I am very easy and clear. M y heart is always open."

I hope this helps.