Writing Feedback / Ending Underage Drinking by Making It Legal. Should underage drinking laws be changed. [5]

This looks like an excellent outline. It is organized and you have extensive details. Is this something that you are going to turn in for a grade? If so, make sure that all of your citations are properly in order, and each fact is supported by its source.

Also, make sure that only proper nouns and first words of sentences are the only words capitalized. For instance, "2. Brain, Liver, Pancreas, lungs, Kidneys, heart, muscles and other vital tissues and organs are effected." These items should not be capitalized.

If these notes are just for your own personal use, then it's not so important. :)
Again, nice job.

Writing Feedback / 'Love is the answer to world's questions' - Essay on why love is important in life? [8]

Vipao,
You most certainly can post as many essays here as you want. Please be aware though that our terms of service specify that I will be able to comment only on each essay once.

I hope this clears things up for you; sorry about the confusion.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "College was the best time of my life." -UCF APPLICATION ESSAY [3]

Good afternoon.

You have a very well thought out and organized piece. Grammatically and mechanically, it is clean. Your pieces flow together well, and I don't think I would change anything. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / this paper significantly transformed me - pls edit this common app essay [2]

"...freshman ..."

"...editor-in-chief ..."

In regards to content, you are very concise and organized. Your piece is very impactful, and you have a strong voice. Nice work.

Writing Feedback / How to safe the Earth + Personal reflection of my presentation - Essays [4]

Good afternoon.

From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Private Eloquence/ PAST EXPERIENCE [3]

"...gain any social skills . In..."

"...over choosing a public school."

"...This, coupled with my inadequate..."

"...my previous school, including who..."

"...the innumerate good times. As..."

"I now k new a great deal of people, had extraordinary teachers* (What is this for?), and found a niche for my talents."

"I am now much more social, I think more about the big picture, and am actually ..."

"I am now interested in science and politics, subjects fundamental..."

"...private upbringing indulges ."

Your subject matter and content are very appropriate for this prompt and are very well written. Nice work.

Undergraduate / my summer trip to Trinidad & Tobago - UF Essay Evaluation [2]

Good morning.

Please note your other posting for mechanical and grammatical suggestions, as they still apply to this piece. Watch out for inappropriate capitalization; if the word is not a proper noun or the first word in a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content and organization, your response is an appropriate one to the prompt. It is well organized and the paragraphs flow together nicely. You give good examples to support your statements, and the conclusion fits well with the introduction. Overall a well structured essay. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Love is the answer to world's questions' - Essay on why love is important in life? [8]

I suggest running this piece through a spell checking program as there were many spelling and grammatical mistakes that could easily be caught in a program such as Word or the Mozilla browser.

Also, there are many sections here that just don't make sense. Go back through, take your time, and clarify these pieces. The above mentioned programs may be able to help you there as well.

Writing Feedback / What must we do to truly understand ourselves? Difficult for people to judge themselves evenhandedly [6]

What do you mean by "expressions?" Can you give me an example?

Undergraduate / GED Practice: Discuss the influence of rock music on young people [2]

"Because rock music is good entertainment for everyone, especially young people, it influences good physical condition, improvement of exercise performance, and the practical skill.What practical skill?

Rock music can help young people with their good physical condition.
While listening to rock music the heart rate increases and then the heart muscles start working heavily to burn fat and cholesterol, and the blood flows smoothly. In addition, deep breathing from inhaling and exhalingHow is this inhaling and exhaling different than other times? Are they doing something more strenuous in response to the music? can help the lungs to utilize oxygen effectively. As a result, the body automatically releases beta-endorphin. These have made young people to stay fit and look firm.The beta-endorphins have? How?

Rock music helps young people to improve and improve their exercise performance, especially who find exercise boring. Its rhythm influences their mood to participate and enjoy in every movement of the song rather than exercise. I was one of them. After I saw aerobic exercise with rock music at a gym, my exercise attitude changed. I can enjoy rock music as well as exercise in the same time.

Undergraduate / "Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" [9]

Absolutely. I think it is an excellent response to the prompt; you give great detail to your reasoning, but I don't see where you explain how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the campus community. Make sure you tie that in; you can expand upon it during the essay in one of the earlier paragraphs, or you can add it on to the end, using it as a conclusion that ties the two pieces (your story and how it will affect your college experience) together.

Graduate / Essay for Fellowship-INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY MANAGEMENT [5]

Good afternoon.

This is a very good start. You've done a great job explaining "the role of family and other institutions in bringing you to the position you now hold," but I am afraid that so far this piece doesn't fulfill the "creativity, accomplishment, and commitment to the values expressed in the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights" part of the prompt.

You can add this fulfillment on to the end of the piece, or you could fit it in earlier, perhaps around the end of the second paragraph, depending on which value you choose to expand upon. If you add it on to the overall ending, your conclusion could neatly tie up the two pieces into one, providing a very concise and tidy essay.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Management class Research paper [7]

Good afternoon.

As this a very specialized requirement for your specific course, my free assistance here is very limited. I suggest perhaps narrowing it down to something such as specific women entrepreneurs in the financial market sector, or the individual aspects of marketing from a woman's point of view. What if you talked about the benefits women have in this area, or the ways in which they are more efficient in this sector?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / CORNELL COMMON APP ESSAY; To feel desired is a primary biological need in life [2]

Good afternoon.

My only suggestion is to make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of a sentence; if it is neither it should not be capitalized.

In regards to content, your essay is very fluid. You transition from one point to the next easily, making your piece flow very nicely. Your theme stays consistent throughout, and the conclusion is very appropriate. A very nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What experiences have led you to select your professional field? [2]

"Zip, zap, zoom! " went my..."

"...does my Play Station give way every..."

I suggest wrapping the conclusion back up to your introduction with some kind of reference to the PlayStation and that first encounter.

Undergraduate / "struggling to comprehend my nemesis" - a significant experience [2]

Good afternoon.

This is an excellent essay! Mechanically and grammatically clean, organized, fluid, with a great story for the body. The introduction and conclusion are very neat, giving the essay a great framework to operate within. I wouldn't change anything! Nice job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / An unexpected act of kindness [4]

Good afternoon.

Putting this piece at the beginning would be a great idea; it's a "hook" and sets the scene for the rest of the piece. The reader instantly wants to know what the issue is between the characters.

No, you would not need to repeat the whole story. You could remove that whole third to last paragraph and end up making more of an impact upon the story's time line.

I don't think the tenses will be a problem. Your voice is strong enough that the reader can tell the background from the foreground, so there shouldn't be too much confusion. In fact, it gives a good sense of time travel, between the memory and the current analysis. Since it seems that you have a little bit of creative leeway for this piece, I think it will work out just fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What must we do to truly understand ourselves? Difficult for people to judge themselves evenhandedly [6]

Your conclusion is awkward because it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of your essay; nowhere do you speak of chemicals in your piece, and the examples you used to illustrate your opinions are long winded and somewhat rambling. You probably have some really good points to make, but they are lost in the long winding road you take to get there.

Undergraduate / "Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" [9]

"Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" said the doctor after the ultrasound. I was so terrified and at the same time overwhelmed with happiness. I said to myself, I s this real?

And I kept saying to myself, W hat am I going to do? I haven't even finished high school!

This experience changed my life completely; I was a young mother to be, and all I could think of was my son and the future I wanted to give him. So I kept saying to myself, I can do this, my son is a blessing and because of him I am going to be successful in life.I pushed myself to be more responsible, to be more cooperative, and to be the best I could be. Make sure you stay in the same tense throughout your piece. If you're in the past, stay there.

During my senior year I got involved in several different activities. I became the organizer of all activities offered by seniors to the rest of the school's students, such as the school's anniversary party, championships of all different sports (between students of all grades), and Valentine's Day activities, just to name a few. I also became a Latin dance teacher, and choreographed presentations to invite all the people of the community and collect money to help poor families of a small town called Jiquilillo. As time passed by, I really enjoyed helping people and felt joy to know that I gave a part of me to these people. As a result, I decided to get involved with a Christian organization that collected money to buy medicine, clothes, and food for extremely poor families of the same town that my classmates and I were starting to help.

I volunteered to all of these community service activities because being a mother opens yourAvoid using "you" and "your" in formal academic writing; try using "I" or "one" instead. eyes to the world, and let you see of how much the world is needy of love and compassion. What if we do notAvoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many professors will count off for their use. help each other? What if we turn or face to the other side and not give our hands to the people that really need it? The world can be a better place if we only give love to each other.

Now my son is seven months old and he is my inspiration to everything I do. Because of him I want to graduate, be successful and prosperous, and give him the best of me."

As the prompt was not included in the posting, I am unsure as to whether or not your piece answers it, so I have edited for grammar and mechanics only. I hope this helps.

Grammar, Usage / Is there any error in this phrase? [8]

Good afternoon.

Grammatically, as it is this statement is a fragment. I suggest:

Obtaining an MBA will be a starting point to unite my business experience with my engineering background in order to establish a career in the marketing field, expressly in the business setting of a multinational electronic company such as Samsung.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'true inner being' - MY UF admission essay [2]

Good afternoon.

One mechanical suggestion:

"...including soccer, which I had never played before. By my senior year I had found my true passion, the Environmental Action Group, of which I am currently secretary."

You've got the start of a very good essay here. However, it doesn't meet the prompt requirement of "how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community." You've done a good job of explaining this experience, now go back through and tie it in to how it will effect you as a member of this campus community. Do that, and you'll have a great essay. Nice work.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Three Hovering Doormen--Four sonnets forming one poem [2]

Good afternoon.

OK, let's start at the top. A sonnet is a poem of fourteen lines, traditionally speaking. Are you to keep to this requirement, or is extending it as such going to create a problem with your instructor? Are you worried about it being Petrarchan or Shakespearean? Since you say it's a Shakespearean class, I'm going to assume the latter. I ask because they are drastically different when it gets down to analysis and dissection. The Shakespearean sonnet rhyme scheme is ababcdcdefefgg, with no octave/sestet structure, and the final couplet is the finale grande. I'm assuming you're familiar enough with iambic that you don't need the background as much their either; five stresses per line. yada yada yada... :)

OK, as to meter, looks good up until the last efef pattern; they don't rhyme and it disrupts the otherwise perfect pattern you've got going. The last gg does, so it picks right back up for the end. I also wonder as to your punctuation. Each of your lines ends with a period, even though each quatrain is to flow together as one before moving on to the next; thus, there should be commas, semi colons or no punctuation with the period saved for the last gg. I would suggest something such as this:

Grief quietly slips into the next seat,
"I am back again," he needlessly sneers;
My weary, sorrow-filled eyes are his meat,
His poisonous fingers stop my scared ears

I urgently glance for a leaving bus;
Hollow footsteps echo through the station
"Even the wet cement knows it's just us,"
My stomach churns in anticipation

Silence slices fear through smothering air;
Dark and heavy iron gates creak and roar
Wind fiercely winds up my strangling hair,
Anguish is an irrational downpour

"I'll see you at home," Grief sizzles again,
"I am one of three hovering doormen."

I think the content and vocabulary along with usage is magnificent in this piece. I think it would also work beautifully as a pantoum, with some additional work. This could be something kept for later publication. Very nice.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I manage all of this", I would love to be a part of this place - FSU Essay - critique and ideas... [2]

"...say I have not, nor plan to, give in when these times occur."

"...problems, and depend only on myself, not others, to clean up after me."

"...but I have made it through and have..." "Thru" is inappropriate slang for academic writing.

"...my future is up to me in my head. I am..."

"I know that you may reach low points but things can only get better if you keep pushing towards your goals."
Avoid using "you" and "your" in formal academic writing; instead, try using "I" or "one."

"...AP or d ual enrollment classes..."

"...I do not like having people tell me answers when I am trying to find out for myself."
Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.

"Vires, Artes, and Mores". Should be: "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores."

Structurally, the essay is very well organized and concise. The paragraphs are arranged nicely and the essay is very fluid. The introduction and the conclusion tie the piece up very well. Your body answers the prompt, and except for the suggestions above, very clean.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'My determined and independent grandfather' - person who had a significant influence [2]

Good afternoon.

Just a couple of suggestions. First, "Grandfather" should not be capitalized, unless it is the first word in a sentence. It is not a proper noun, so capitalization is not necessary. The same goes for "Computer Engineering."

"...which was his real eye. I..." should be "...which his real eye was. I..." grammatically speaking.

"Never satisfied with his past achievements, my Grandfather constantly sought to improve his abilities as an engineer, even though under Communist rule every worker was paid the same, so there was no point in working harder than other people" is a fragment. It should be something like "Never satisfied with his past achievements my Grandfather constantly sought to improve his abilities as an engineer; under Communist rule every worker was paid the same so there was no point in working harder than other people."

In regards to content, your essay is good, but it seems that you should spend more time focusing on how he has influenced you and the ways this influence is reflected in how you live your life. You tell impressive stories about your grandfather, but spend overall little time on how they have changed you.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I am a fencer." -Common App essay: is it any good? [4]

You could add more analysis on how deeply these skills have effected you a bit more; other than that, I think you did well.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Being a pharmacist will help me help others' - Why I chose UCF? [6]

Good evening.

A couple of suggestions:

"football games or explore the..."

In regards to the word count, remove everything that is not of absolute vital importance to the piece. Keep things like that the campus is close to your family, the programs will help you reach your goals, and that the Asian Student Association is important to you. Remove all of the detail about your family dinners, your family who love their jobs, and the second to last paragraph. Essays that have such restrictive word count requirements are designed to see if you can get to the point with still having a point.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / (business sense, role model, MBA degree) -Statement Of Goals [8]

Good evening.

The essay is good, but I am wondering about it's structure. For instance, is all of the detail about your background as important as your goals? It seems to me that the prompt asks for a statement of your goals, and that should be the main focus of your piece. As it is, it seems like your upbringing and background is more important than the goals you briefly discuss at the end.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Doctor of Pharmacy Degree in less than three years; Why University of the Pacific? [2]

Why is this program better than all of the others? What is it specifically about this institution that is so desirable for you? More details would really help this already good essay become better.

Undergraduate / 'the beauty of mathematics' - California exchange student [4]

No matter what I would do on campus, listening, reading, or communicating, I had to use English. Not only my writing skills improved but my oral English rose to a higher level.

Learning calculus was an exciting exploration; considering the process of cracking problems as a recreational form of detective work (Was what? Please finish your thought.) .

Nice work; good conclusion.

Writing Feedback / Essay: "There's no place like home." [3]

Good evening.

As in the other posting, make sure you are using double quotation marks and are including your punctuation within those marks.
In regards to content, this is a great response that appropriately fits the prompt. You are very descriptive and well organized while staying on the point, not straying off of your topic. Your conclusion is also very tidy. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Letters / FSU Resume; 'letterman on my high school football team' [4]

I agree with 4ever2bleed's comments; the academic resume in regards to admissions should read very much like a professional resume. Bullets and dates are appropriate, as well as very short descriptions of your experiences. You've got good content here for an essay format, but it should be much shorter for a resume format. The applications advisor should be able to "look" at you in one or two pages and see your major accomplishments easily. Too many details and it is overwhelming, thus likely to get put aside.

No matter what the format, make sure you always run your piece through a grammar and spell check program such as Word or Mozilla's browser (you can get it free at mozilla.com) as there are errors in this piece that they would catch. Watch for inappropriate capitalization; if the word isn't a proper noun or the first word in a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / An unexpected act of kindness [4]

Good afternoon.

Your piece is very good, but the act does seem to come too late in the story to be able to immediately identify its relevance. As such, you can include "snippets" hinting as to the act earlier on in the piece, or condense and combine a lot of the "decorative" language earlier on.

Without knowing the prompt and requirements, it is difficult for me to be very specific here. Make sure you are using double quotation marks (") for your dialogue, and make sure you always put yourself last when talking of another person. For instance, "Laura and me" should be "Laura and I" in this instance.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Act of Revenge, The Cask of Amontillado Essay [4]

Good afternoon.

"In pace requiescat!" (1)

Is correct.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Need advice on essay question- "Unique characteristics and experiences" [3]

Good afternoon.

1. Choose the one that you can be the most concise about, yet is the most impressive of them all. You don't have a lot of space to work with, so the accomplishment must do a lot of the "shine" on its own.

2. Stick to the traditional opening, body, conclusion structure. Keep in mind because of the restrictive word count as long as it gets the job done it is OK to have one or two sentence openings and closings.

3. I can't help you with that one.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UF Essay - "Ready for My Unpredictable Future" [4]

Good afternoon.

"I asked, Whyme?..." Why is this capitalized?

In regards to content, you have a very powerful story. The only thing it is lacking thus far is a link to the last part of the prompt, "how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community."

Once you tie in the story to that part of the prompt, you will have an exceptional piece.
Good work.

Undergraduate / 'Teachers and student relations' - Common App - elaborate on one of your activity [2]

Good afternoon.

In regards to flow, at the end of the first section you could put in a sentence or two about what you learned from these programs or how they helped you improve in some way. Your ending is good, so I wouldn't change anything to it. On the other hand, I would condense and combine our first two sentences of the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'difficulty learning' - UCF ESSAY - BUMPS IN THE ROAD [2]

Good evening.

You've got a fine piece here, but I'm not sure how it fulfills the prompt. The requirement is to expand upon qualities that would relate to the campus community, and I don't see anything that really fulfills that part of the prompt. I suggest removing some of the background detail here and instead spending that word count on explaining how these qualities will help you as a member of the UCF community.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / FSU admissions essay- worthy enough to attend Florida State University? [4]

Good afternoon.

"...is, "Me." FSU..." Why is "me" capitalized? Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences.

"...stature, virtue, and excellence. They..." Make sure you are including commas after each item in your list.

"...How do I illustrate this word, "Vires?" I..." Make sure you are putting your punctuation inside your quotation marks.

"The word "Mores" is also reflected in my life. I remind myself everyday to appreciate what life has given me and take those gifts and help others whenever I can. Not every 17 year old gets a car, good health, and unconditional love. Compassion and respect for everyone I meet is something I take seriously. I believe strongly in treating people as I like to be treated. FSU deserves students strong in character and tradition and I am a direct reflection of this value." This paragraph needs more detail, or you can always remove it. As it is, it seems like an unimportant afterthought.

"...I represent the philosophy that guides Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores." Make sure your subjects and verbs agree; there are three philosophies here, so philosophy should be plural.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the short story "Rock Springs" by Richard Ford [2]

Good afternoon.

In regards to spelling, I suggest you run the piece through a program with a spell checking program, such as Word, or Mozilla (you can get this free from mozilla.com).

Your inline citations look good, and the essay is well organized.
In regards to the ending, perhaps trying to say something about the overall methods you discussed would be appropriate. Remember, your conclusion should restate the main points of your essay and leave the reader feeling closure and satisfaction.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / teleporting mentally to a different world [4]

Good evening.

My main concern in this piece is tense. You switch from past to present tense randomly through the work and it is distracting. Choose one tense and stay with it throughout the piece. This is very descriptive and a great response to the prompt, so this distraction really takes away from the overall piece. Otherwise, it is a nice text.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com