Undergraduate / need direction for "platform on environmental issues, education, etc" paper [5]

Here is what I think about the question of a thesis to guide the essay: write it last.

Start by doing some reading, and after each item you read, write a little paragraph. Make sure you only express one main idea with each paragraph.

When you have a collection of ideas starting to form, go back and add an intro paragraph with a thesis statement that captures the theme that has started to emerge in your paragraphs.

You have to start by just expressing one idea after another, one para at a time, and have faith that a theme/thesis will emerge as you work.

Write the intro last! :-) I really hope that helps; it's what I often do.

Undergraduate / UT Anthropology Transfer Statement of Purpose Essay [9]

One vital component of an anthropologist's work is exposing oneself to...

During my relatively brief quest for knowledge, I have often been the victim of racial discrimination, which has fueled my...

Although there is much ________ (a noun here would be great) ahead of me, I am prepared for ...

Nice job, you have put a lot of work into this!

Essays / values (Pluralism) and organization in a work place [10]


I don't understand this question! Sorry...
You cannot eliminate gender differences, obviously. One thing you can eliminate is the difference in the way we treat boys vs girls. If adults expect boys to be "tough" and girls to be "cute" how can girls expect to be given equal opportunities when they grow up and become professionals?

It looks great!!

Put a period at the end of this to be consistent with the others on the list:
a) Make students realize that inappropriate class behaviour disrupts education.

Research Papers / Research paper about legalizing marijuana, - feedback required [6]

Marijuana, when a person hears this term, the first thing that comes into the mind is that it's an illegal drug.

Many people believe that the only use of marijuana plant is that it can get you the process of getting high, which isn't true. --- each paragraph should be dedicated to one idea. So, let this sentence be a topic sentence about the many uses. Write the rest of the paragrah about its many uses.---> People have used the hemp plant for fabric , ropes and even ethanol fuel.

The Marijuana, cannabis, or hemp plant is one of the oldest psychoactive plants known to humanity. Its history dates back as far as 6000 B.C , when cannabis seeds were used as food in early Chinese traditions. --- let this be a para about its history...

The perception of marijuana in today's society is that marijuana is an illegal drug that leads to increase in crime rate. According to the Whitehouse "Trafficking in illicit drugs tends to be associated with the commission of violent crimes". Many people fail to realize that marijuana has a history of more than 8000 years and it has only been illegal for a short period of time. False myths have ... good.

Among many myths, one of the very popular ones is that marijuana damages your brain. Although marijuana stimulates the brain cells "it does not produce toxins that kill them like alcohol, and it does not wear them out as other drugs may" (Levine). ----- great job!

Another common myth regarded associated with marijuana is that it is considered to be a gateway drug. This theory states

Another benefit that can be gained through the legalization of marijuana is the significant reduction in crime rates. Marijuana, being illegal, is currently sold on the streets at high prices. Because of such high ...

What about possible tax revenue? ----- that is a good way to start a paragraph. great rhetorical question.

...nice conclusion! :-)

Undergraduate / sketching - need advice and comment on USC short answer section [2]

I consider sketching an important activity to me. ---- can you say something more meaningful in the first sentence? How about a clever observation about the significance of sketching.

I have been sketching _______ (what do you sketch) since I was still a small child. I like sketching, because it is something I am good at , so it boosts my confidence. Sometime when I decide ...

very good ideas...

When I sketch I also learn to see the world in from a different perspective, which helps contributes to my everyday life and architecture study.

Undergraduate / international charity, personal Issue of Importance Essay [3]

More often than not, it is only until after a Oftentimes, we need the occurrence of a crisis to remind us of how important it is that we feel inclined to support those in need. On January 12, 2010, the impoverished city of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, nestled amongst the grandeur...

I changed that opening sentence, because it seemed not-quite-right. "only until after" is not right, and I think it was just a little unclear.

We don't really "give offers":
In such instances, I believe that the humanitarian movement is perhaps the greatest of offers we have to give in example of our effort to make a positive impact whether from the frontline or from across the sea.

Nice! I love your conclusion that the plans you have for the future. I think this essay will be a big success.

Undergraduate / the National Society of Black Engineers - extra curricular activities short [5]

I have had the opportunity to promptly attend biweekly meetings where we promote the education of African American students. We encourage them to graduating from college by __________ (how do you do it?). We also to advise students about distractions and what should not be done to hinder success.

How about ending it like this:
This ideal is the purpose for which the NSBE organization was created.

Undergraduate / U of M- "New Zealand on the International Scene," respect for diversity [4]

This is excellent! You should proceed with confidence.
It is all so good, I don't want to cut any words, but I'll try to find places that can be cut:

Indeed Our team became quickly engaged in the heated discussion, and in whic h I was able to observe how our distinct experiences and values could culminate into innovative ideas and agreements.

Yet they also added to the vitality of the discussion, as we were not trying to judge which suggestion was better than the other, but to make best use of our diverse opinions to reach a resolution we could all agree upon.

Graduate / Singapore Master in Electrical Engineering with Communications as my major - SOP [8]

Well, since you already write as well as or better than I can write, I am limited in my ability to give suggestions. I'll say, though, that you sometimes need to wait for inspiration to strike, and then it will feel right.

I see an error I missed before:
Hence my desire to do pursue a Master of Electrical Engineering with Communications as my major.

Undergraduate / "literary Botox" - Ryerson Radio and Television Personal Essay [3]

Many people frown on the use of a conversational, informal tone like the one you use in the first paragraph. I think it is excellent writing, but I hope the admissions office reader feels the same way!

If you keep it like that, consider simplifying it a little here:
My ultimate goal, or rather What I hope to get out of the Ryerson RTA program is to learn about deep understanding of what's going on, both in front of and behind the camera or microphone, and to turn that knowledge and experience into a career as a sports broadcaster.

Hey, you sure have a good name for a radio or television personality!

Here is a part we can improve:

As previously mentioned, I took the radio broadcasting course at my school, and a good example of teamwork that I can recall would be an experience I had during the recording process of podcasts that we were required to create every couple of weeks.

You write so well, it's hard to improve it! One important idea, though, it to write a conclusion paragraph that refers back to something you said earlier in the essay. Let the conclusion para be one that reinforces a major idea, the theme that you want the reader to remember you by. What is the main theme for this whole essay? Whatever it is, mention it at the end of the intro paragraph and then explain it in detail in the conclusion. reinforce that main theme, so that the reader will remember you.

:-)

Scholarship / "to have a career that I enjoy doing" - What is your biggest personal concern? [2]

I think your first two sentences are too simple. Maybe you can cut them and make this your first sentence:
A personal concern of mine is my future goal and the life I hope to have as an adult. The future goal that I hope to accomplish is to be able to live the life that I have always wanted. Most people's future goal is to be...

I think that is a more interesting way to start.

The reason why my future goal is important is because of my interest in living a life with no regrets. ----- actually, you already said this at the end of the first paragraph, so maybe you should not say it again here.

Do this:
Why is this so important to me? The reason why my future goal is important is because of my interest in living a life with no regrets. Life cannot always be perfect, but we can always do our best to shape...

Ahh, see how much more interesting it becomes when we shave off the weak sentences. :-)

To conclude this essay, my main goal in life is to live the life that I hope to requires me to shape my futu re through making wise decisions throughout my schooling and in life.

Those challenges will help me become a more stronger and better person than before.

Essays / English Essay on My First day in a new Environment [2]


Well... it's about 7.5 paragraphs. A paragraph is usually around 100 words.

Oh, maybe you mean it is a lot to include in just 750 words. Well, express that day as well as you can in 750 words.

Here is the proper spelling: nerve-wracking

It sounds like they are challenging you to write an essay that is a story about your day. So.. it is a narrative essay roanestate.edu/owl&writingcenter/OWL/Narration.html

Writing Feedback / the trend:throw away old one instead of repairing. causes and effects? [6]

Maybe it will take a few days to get a response. I'll try to find out about it for you. You might be asked to try being a contributor first. essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Thanks for spending so much time helping to make this forum great. I'll try to find out about a response for you.

Scholarship / Help--Dyslexic, struggled with learning disabilities [3]

...but I myself also took on adult-responsibilities as a child. During the process of my parents' divorce, I overcame an abusive relationship with my step-father conquered and an eating disorder, and I managed to develop into a strong individual with deep appreciation for life. I utilized my artistic talents and abilities, regardless despite having been being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and dyslexia.

Above, that was such a long sentence, I had to break it up for you! :-)

Since I have been financially independent responsible since childhood, I have been working to survive on a daily basis with the inability to focus on my future. ---- is it okay that I changed independent to "responsible?" It seems unrealistic for a child to be financially independent.

Start a new paragraph with this sentence! ------> My grandmother presented me with my diseased grandfather's camera when I was ten years old, because he had become too sick to enjoy using it.

:-) you must have become very strong because of all the struggle. I hope you will someday read a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, because his is some wisdom with which you can surely identify.

Undergraduate / "Why knowledge is important to me and why?"- USC prompt [3]

...motivates me to strive as hard as I can.

or...
...motivates me to strive hard and aim as high as I can.

I really hope the person who reads your essays is not one of those intolerant people who is all bent out of shape about illegal immigration. Probably not, but if they are, you probably don't want to attend a school represented by that kind of person, anyway. Your Dad's accomplishment is indeed inspirational!

commas:
"Son, I am trying to make our lives better by educating myself, because education is the key to success no matter where in the world you are. What if one day everything was taken away from you? Then what would you do?

You start a paragraph with the mention of your father's sacrifice, but you don't actually say what he sacrificed. Maybe sacrifice is not the correct word. Maybe it is "struggle."

Cut this weak part at the start of this sentence:
Till this day I keep studying hard and focusing on my passion for science and math by taking courses that interest me.

Ha ha, the way your father inspires you shines through the essay and even inspires the reader. I like it!! I bet your Dad likes it, too!

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

ha ha, first, I want to mention that I love your username. And I love wasabi peas.

Now... I see that you face a common problem. Opinions differ, but it seems fair to say they impose a word limit because they want it to be obeyed. I'm sorry!

Taking out material is tough... is there sme essay in particular I can help with?

If it's any consolation, almost every piece of writing gets better when you eliminate the weakest players on the team.

Scholarship / Weissman Scholars - A very important scholarship essay. [3]

It was a crystal clear summer night, and we were enjoying a light breeze in the air and the smell of freshly cut grass. Palm trees rustled as the crickets sang. While talking about future plans with my best friend, Jihoon, I was inundated...

I added a comma before Jihoon, so that there would be a comma before and after.
I also scratched out "crystal" because crystal clear is a little cliched...

Like Jihoon, many Korean students appreciate the academic opportunities they receive, but they also feel forced to abandon their personal ambitions.--- this is such a well-written sentence! I am impressed, and I think the admissions office people will be, too!

I see another excellent sentence with "gloomy reality" in it. you have excellent command over language.

Here is a place where you need a comma:
...academic institutes, such as exam preparation academies, demand students and parents to spend...

At the end of the first paragraph, after he cries deperately, you might want to add a sentence that suggests to the reader that you gained an insight that will influence your ideas about your entrepreneurship major. That way, at the end of the essay, the theme of entrepreneurship will already be familiar to the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / UT Liberal Arts School, Sociology major with a minor in Business Foundation, SOP [6]

I would switch these sentences, like tis:
Waking up before the sun had risen was the norm . One morning realizing I was a single mom of a 2 year-old at age 24 and days flying by faster than I could keep track of them made me realize time was of the essence. Waking up before the sun had risen was the norm.

Wow, I'm glad you came through those difficult times in one piece!
My emotions were finally getting back to...

...been on a mission to obtain a desirable degree and attend the university of Texas in (name of degree)

Undergraduate / statement of purpose for art schools (your personal vision) [3]

I think you should end that first paragraph with a statement that tells your "purpose." It should end with a sentence that succinctly explains your plan for the future and how it involves this school. When the reader gets to the end of that first para, let her or him know what you are all about by telling them not only that you are "taking a risk" but also what you feel certain about. Can you add to that first paragraph a sentence that will be memorable for the reader and make her understand how this school fits into your life plan?

SooLim Jeong made great suggestions! For one of them, I would fix it this way:
Art is spontaneous; artists don't always try to plan everything, and instead choose to let the mind flow naturally.

Try switching the first and last paragraph, so that the last paragraph becomes the first! :-)

Scholarship / Essay about yourself and why you deserve a scholarship (PhD in Bio Science) [3]

I am XX, an International student from India (no comma necessary here) doing a PhD in the Department ...

You can write: At the time I came to the U.S., I had completed my...
or you can write: Prior to coming to the US, I had completed my...
But it seems awkward to write: Prior to coming to the US, I had completed my...--- however, it is not incorrect the way you wrote it! I am just making a suggestion about style of writing.

...for period of two years. ---- Right after this sentence, add one more sentence before ending the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells the reader the most important point you want her to remember from your whole essay. This is your thesis sentence, the sentence that tells the main idea of the whole essay.

Make sure you write the acronym correctly:
U.S.
or write it out as the full words: United States

I am looking forward to getting the scholarship that will enable me to complete my PhD program and successfully graduate from the University of Hawaii.

Undergraduate / UM undergraduate PS essay--educational interests-economics [5]

Well, the part about the questions you asked as a child was pretty impressive to me, but everyone is different.

One thing you could do is condense the material that makes up that second paragraph and then add a little to it to express more about your intellectual/career goals. By doing this, you will immediately compensate for the childhood reference at the start and make the essay very serious.

Scholarship / My eassay for master in inter trade law&finance. Is it good enough to apply for scholarship? [7]

Well, there is nothing wrong with changing from finance to law. A lot of factors determine what decision will be made; maybe you feel as though it is not as good as it could be. When you look at something you wrote, sometimes it does not feel right. I think you should try doing some more writing to see what you come up with, but don't agonize too much about it!

If you were going to cut something, I might suggest replacing some of this material with real examples:
Strong academic background in various areas in finance, .... specifically ________? familiarity with international business environment _______________(perhaps replace this phrase with a reference to actual expriences....
...and experience gained while working in multicultural organization NAME OF ORGANIZATION have given me the confidence to tackle advanced problems on a macro level.

But it really is written quite eloquently already. I hope you do well!!

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

Wow, I'm araid tis subject is not something I can help with, but I bet others in this forum can help. You also might fiind ideas by doing a word search within EssayForum.

However, I can tell you that the best way to start is to find articles about this subject that have been written by others in this field, and they will include reviews of recent work and literature pertaining to it. They will outline the progress that has been made and suggest areas in which more work needs to be done. This is the way to determine what kind of research project you should do: Look at a literature review from a recent article about this topic.

Undergraduate / "My mother's drug use" - determination and knowledge [9]

My determination and the knowledge I have gained throughout my life have helped...

This is so well-written, the only errors I could find were in this sentence. I don't think it is quite right to say "knowledge I have learned" because the word "knowledge" implies something learned.

I can't find many errors to correct, so I'll give an idea: I think it is great that you are interested in politics, so one impressive thing you can do is mention something that is going on in the world of politics at the time of writing this essay (for example, the State of the Union Address).

Good luck!!! :-)

Graduate / Interests and Proposed Contribution Essay ("an active participant in life") [2]

I don't think it help to say you were adventurous as a toddler, since all toddlers are sort of adventurous. It will be good if you start describing the contribution you will make right at the start of the essay. I see that you name enthusiasm and determination at the end of that first para, and that is great, but how about connecting them to your chosen field of study and vision of the future rather than describing them as qualities from your childhood.

Also, abstract concepts are only one part of it. Add to these concepts an actual contribution -- action you will take. I see that cultural and linguistic factors are strengths for you, too, so how about talking about cultivating enthusiasm and determination among diverse students, transcending cultural barriers and sharing your intellectual enthusiasm, ans especially your enthusiasm about your chosen field.

:-)

Writing Feedback / tobacco adverts should be banned? [13]

:-) hahah, right on. Now you know what I meant. "Sump" is a funny word.

Undergraduate / Why Commerce? - UVA Transfer Essay, McIntire School of Commerce [4]


awesome! You are a hero. I think this will be a big success. The reader will apprecite this, for sure...

Use a coma:
Never one to miss a business opportunity, I offered my services to Lacoste and their Anti-fraud team to stop other sellers from selling fake merchandise on eBay.

I am impressed!

How about adding a little more to that conclusion paragraph! Make it a big fat reflective conclusion. :-)

Scholarship / When I Was A Child--Personal Statement [3]

Yes, this essay has real power. I was wanting to start suggesting that you should not go too much into the childhood dreams (i.e. doctors make all the money) but really, everything about this essay is important. I would not want to change it.

It is really inspired, and the reader can tell!

Okay, actually.. get rid of this sentence:
Doctors make all the money right?

Undergraduate / Essay about how I can enrich university's community. [3]

Emily made some important corrections: With my experience as an exchange student, as a part...

Thanks, Emily! You should check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

As much as I enjoyed my activities with people, as I experienced emotions, thoughts, and heightened awareness. I earned.

Meanwhile, I am so thankful that I have opportunity to bring d iverse people together...

Scholarship / The internet is today's evolution [3]

Hello, you just need to capitalize Internet every time you type it, and also other proper nouns like Facebook.

Also...

Though not saying you cannot get caught with The Internet can help to prevent people from cheating; a website called Turnitin.com checks for plagiarism on a submitted piece of writing. Turn it in checks through all commercial pages from books, newspapers, magazines and journals, student papers already submitted to turn it in, and scans all notes from GradeGuru a free online note-sharing community.

How about doing it this way?

Research Papers / 1200-1500 Word Research Essay. Thesis: Native Culture in Conflict with European [2]

Okay, this is excellent, I'm glad you are posting your work here. Thanks so much for sharing this meaningful milestone with us. You are doing very well. The writing is clear, but it needs a theme. When you write, keep a message in mind. Write with the idea of having a purpose for the essay, as if you were writing this to express an important truth. Giv ethis a theme, a message that you state at the end of the first paragraph. Let it be a thesis statement that captures the meaning of the whole essay.

Then, in the conclusion paragraph, you can reinforce that theme.

Undergraduate / need direction for "platform on environmental issues, education, etc" paper [5]

ha ha, you are just procrastinating. Get inspired, you can do it! I know it is hard to get the ideas to come.

This has to be a 5 paragraph essay with 100 words per paragraph, and each paragraph should start with a topic sentence.

The way to get started is to look at examples:

Read about colonists or some other developing societies, and write a little about your strategy. Do it accordin to their prompt. I'll get you started:

environmental issues

education

race

ethnicity

Essays / Teaching method. AP English (Literature & Composition) Class Questions [10]

The thing to do is squeeze as much insight as possible out of your teacher. Your teacher has a unique contribution to make to your process. That is what I learned after being a student and then a teacher. I thought I knew, but I didn't. The teacher is ready to share something wit you, to celebrate literature and enjoy it with you. Stay focused on enjoying every moment.

Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]


Yuck.

So now we are using the food/service industry to make analogies about our writer's group here, I don't know... every thread has limitless possibilities, every kid.

Writing Feedback / 'bedroom is essential' Toefl essay: The most important room in your house [4]

Nowadays, life is getting more and more busy busier and busier. That causes a new century disease called "stress" or "tired state." You will feel unbalanced and find it difficult to solve problems.

:-)

Graduate / Singapore Master in Electrical Engineering with Communications as my major - SOP [8]

This is great! You will surely be well-received. Here is one little fix:
During the course of my work at wipro technologies I have developed web based applications , like including Astro, Vantive and Speed Racer which are the tools for EarthLink (EarthLink is an Internet Service Provider for US customers).

Your writing is very impressive.

Why do you want to write about Singapore? Write about it if it is part of a specific plan you have for the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I am the best, I am the champion" - Overconfidence and humility [6]

It is excellent!
Let's put this all in a solid paragraph:

Back then, I was a young adolescent having with too much self-confidence to an extent of and egotism.

However, my grades dropped as the curriculum became more rigorous.

It was a very simple excuse to give up when discouraged.

This essay is so convincing! You are smart...

Writing Feedback / the trend:throw away old one instead of repairing. causes and effects? [6]

Yes, this is good stuff. The corrections I was going to make have already been made.

You should not use "even though" and "but" in the same sentence this way:
In fact, even though people can have someone repair a product for them, indeed, but they still decide to purchase others because it is often costly for repairing or the quality of repaired products is low.

In fact, even though people can have someone repaired for them, indeed, but they still decide to purchase others because it is often costly for repairing or the quality of repaired products is low.

Undergraduate / "more newer things to explore" - Rhodes Supplement statements [8]

Well, it is not usually good to have paragraphs of only two sentences. You should show good composition by using a topic sentence followed by some elaborating sentences and examples.

Next I learned more about the fellowships, and about how they prepare the students for the real world.----- this is where you have to add some nuts to the candy bar. Give examples of what kind of work you want to do and what you are already learning about.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Hijab: Friend or foe? (argumentative essay on 2 authors essays) [7]

Still, there is a shift happening as people transcend the trivialities, the differences.

Not caring if people do or don't do something is an important stance that needs to be taken, and you are a hero.

:-)