Undergraduate / sociology undergraduate essay for Cornell CALS [4]

This is very well done. You connect real-world experience with the experience of college, and have plans for your future that are realistic also. The best part is that you are able to articulate this so that the reader can feel your passion and your hope.

Undergraduate / Common app- Elaborate on Lockheed Internship Experience [3]


This just sounds kind of weird. I think I know what you're saying--that appearances are deceiving--but maybe you ought to just say that.

I'd still, too, be interested in knowing exactly what you did there. It sounds interesting, but I'm sure you did more than explore.

Undergraduate / ESL teacher, Paul Thomas was the funniest person I ever knew ; My best teacher [17]

This definitely needs more details. Although it is about your teacher, and your praise is worthy, giving specific examples lets us see him better, more like you do.

I think that will help a lot.

Undergraduate / Teaching in High-needs, low income communities. [3]

You are, first of all, remarkable for wanting to take this on. I applaud you for that.

This will impress your prospective employers, no doubt. I do wonder, having been a teacher in just such a setting, how you will feel when you discover that your students could care less about your fresh ideas. It's very hard work, and some days you'll feel like you are the only one who cares.

This is very well-written, and says all the right things.

Undergraduate / Never judge anything by its appearance [13]

See? That sounds so much better and fits in better now with the rest of what you are saying.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. [13]

People like Mozart are going to learn music and art whether it is in school or not. So that part isn't important. What IS important, though, is that art and music are important for many reasons other than the art itself. It teaches critical thinking, it expands the mind beyond what is learned in science and math, it has historical relevance, it teaches the mind about organization and pattern---these are some things you could mention as well.

Writing Feedback / floria_ran [3]


This is redundant. You can leave off everything after the second comma.

You've also managed to pour people into universities a couple of times now. People don't pour, though. In terms of universities, they matriculate, go to, attend.

Your ideas are good ones. I just think you need to be more careful with your language choices.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for UW admissions (I'm a female who loves computer science) [4]

There's just too much here. The first paragraph can be deleted completely. It isn't necessary. Also most of the 4th paragraph can go. I realize that alcohol addiction recovery speaks well of you, but I don't really think that telling someone you don't know and who has decision-making power over you is a good idea. First of all, it's irrelevant to what you want to do. Second of all, it's not exactly a great calling card. Third, if you're sober, it doesn't matter.

This will cut down your word count, which is good. It will also refocus your essay to computers, not your personal difficulties.

Undergraduate / Why engineering at Ryerson admission essay; 'fascinated with mathematics' [9]

The last paragraph sounds like an advertisement on a video, trying to convince students to come to Ryerson. That either needs to be reworked or deleted. You don't want to sound like you are already there.

Undergraduate / 'I am a delegate for Model United Nations at my school' - United Nations Model [3]

This is a really interesting topic and you did well elaborating on it. But there are some errors in grammar, and it seems rushed, like you got to the conclusion too quickly. I'd add more detail about the Iran discussion both positive and negative, and give a reason or two why it failed to get a resolution. That might help.

Undergraduate / Never judge anything by its appearance [13]

I think you can just say something like, "We sometimes miss important things about people when we prejudge them." Does that sound better?

Undergraduate / "Call to action, saving the ocean" UC prompt 2 [5]

The content is fine.Yes it does reveal your intentions quite well. Your enthusiasm is clear too. The problem is just with the small things, as has been pointed out.

Undergraduate / 'Because we can' - Activity Short Answer [8]

You also showed that when you are doing something you like, you are willing to do the work and much more. Your excitement is evident throughout this piece. You made me believe that you can be a successful college student.

Undergraduate / Never judge anything by its appearance [13]

No, of course not. But it isn't altruistic. Altruistic means charitable and generous. Prejudging is usually associated with a lack of generosity and less than a charitable perspective.

Please believe me, vocabulary choice--every single word--is extremely critical in these essays. If I have 100 students to choose from, and all I have are their words, how will I decide? By the ones who know how to use language to communicate effectively. As it was, if this were one of those 100 essays, there would be 50 better.

I'm not being critical of you personally, hylacy. You just need to realize that you have a lot of competition, and even the smallest errors can send you and your essay straight to the slush pile.

You have great ideas. Just figure out a way to make this essay shine brightly so they won't be able to forget you.

Undergraduate / University of Chicago satisfy my desire of a particular kind of learning. [4]

Overall for me, it just has a really negative feel. What is most clear is that you seem to have only a passing notion of what college life is. In four years, do you think you'll never have fun? Do you think you may not need that hospital?

All you really manage to muster in the way of a positive argument is that you'll be able to think there. But heck, you can do that at any university.

Why Chicago? What is it about YOU that makes Chicago a perfect fit? What do you plan to do? Why are you going to college at all? These are the things the committee will need to know.

Undergraduate / Becoming my own person: common app essay option 1 [5]


This phrasing is a little strange. On an average day, wouldn't you also find yourself in math class? And do you really find yourself there, or are you there with intention? Little things like this make a big difference in the sense of the piece. You have to be careful of this kind of thing too.

Other than that, it's just wordy. You're writing about a risk you overcame, but most of it isn't about that. I know you need to explain, but it needs more balance between the risk and the telling.

Undergraduate / Montage--the Four Essences of Cooking [7]

This is a fascinatingly interesting way to look at life. I was hooked right at the beginning.

There are, though, problems with tense, which made it somewhat hard to follow. Also, and I know it's hard to resist when writing about food, there are too many adjectives. That's like putting too much salt in the recipe. Tell me just enough to make me want to taste it. Don't taste it for me and then tell me what it tasted like. Let the reader imagine what it is like.

Make sure your tense is consistent throughout and stop telling everything.

Writing Feedback / I like to live in big city like "Ahemdabad" [7]

There is a big big problem with articles, like 'a', 'an,' and 'the.' The poor usage of these just kills the continuity of your essay.

'A' and 'an' are called indefinite articles. They specify one of any number of common things which we designate as nouns. "The' is a definite article, specifying a special case of noun, or a particular one out of a bunch of the same kind. The city...not 'the' India...there IS only one India, so it does not need to be singled out.

Also, as mentioned in the other comment, there is a lot of jumbling going on here. It is hard to keep track of your thinking.

First, fix the article problem. Then work on the content structure.

Writing Feedback / Win is always your if you do fight from your deep heart. A success does not depend from luck. [8]

The language in this needs lots and lots of work. The grammar is nearly indecipherable, the sentence structure is very weak, and the essay is very difficult to read.

I get the main points, but it takes a lot of time to figure out what you are saying.

I think that you are really going to struggle with college work until you do a lot more work with basic English.

Undergraduate / Comm App Short Activity Essay- "Endure the Storm" [5]

This is a common app question, right? So I wouldn't consider it an academic essay. It is more personal.

I think you should either find out who the speaker of the quote was, or set it off by itself and just label it 'anonymous.' It's a slight little thing, but you don't want admissions officers already thinking that you aren't willing to do some research. In college, after all, you are going to be doing lots of research.

Undergraduate / A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay. [18]


All of this, while on some level necessary, is like walking into a jungle. Felt like I needed a machete to hack my way through it and get your meaning as it regarded the prompt. A year-by-year accounting of your life is just not necessary. It isn't even relevant, really.

That's what I mean by lightening it up some. The lessons learned, yes. The minute details, no.

Undergraduate / Brown: Influential project [3]

Your teacher was quite creative when he gave you that assignment. Clearly, you didn't think so. But it has all the elements of martial arts instruction, where the simplest of things are filled with meaning.

Having said that, I think that your essay ought to reflect some of that simple instruction. Be creative. Be more insightful, less factual. Think about your "Aha!" moment when you understood what your teacher was showing you.

Undergraduate / Ready, Set, Dance UC application [2]


Crazy isn't good. I know what you mean, but it is a trite and cliche expression. You are an original. Find an original expression that means the same.

You did indeed learn a valuable lesson, and you learned it very well. Your expression of it held my interest throughout.

Undergraduate / A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay. [18]

I think you tried to just fit too much in here. The essay feels dense to me, dense as in too many details in too small a writing space.

Take each idea as it comes. Lighten it for your readers. Let it flow logically instead of in such a cramped and overgrown style.

Undergraduate / Never judge anything by its appearance [13]


Altruistic? This word definitely does not belong. Please be careful of the vocab you choose. This one statement is enough to make me want to move on to the next essay.

You've got some good ideas here, especially the part about what you did with Sally. Nice touch. Try and make the rest of it resonate with that part.

Undergraduate / Can't imagine entering a profession not aimed at helping others; UM School of Nursing [8]

I also think that there are good ideas here. The best approach, I think, is to take the tow or three main ideas, write them in order, and then fill around them in two or three paragraphs, using what you've already got. Each paragraph can be six or seven sentences, and that will help with your word count. Keep your style, but just be more direct.

Undergraduate / I have always wanted to be someone who can help; UIUC Prompt#1 Become a social worker [9]

There are some vocabulary issues here. Words a like 'thoughtless' and 'admired.' There are also some preposition issues...'From to' doesn't work very well, and neither does 'as lightning fast.'

My mother's sickness came in as lightning fast; this would be better stated as 'My mother's sickness seemed to come very quickly.'

Read it over and think about what it sounds like.

Undergraduate / Bard College Essay---Defend the role of arts in our society. [2]


This is not comfortable reading, and can be compressed easily. You want to express your uninformed thinking in a contrast to what you learned; but the contrast need not be so stark. Eliminate the part about the bodies and the venom, and just relate that you had some cultural discomfort with Japanese culture. It will have the same effect in a much more balanced way.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer- Community Service [6]

Instead of the first part being a separate part, you could combine it with the other effectively.

This is a very short word count, and your idea and experience are almost too big for such a short answer. You might also want to consider focusing on one thing, rather than generalizing so much.

Undergraduate / USA, the land where hopes begin ; Commonapp- Personal Statement-Topic of my choice [5]

The ideas here are good, and you've made these aspects of your life very clear.

As mentioned above, there are some grammar issues you need to look at. They definitely slow down the reading.

Undergraduate / UC- Important Personal Experience- Missing A Flight [4]

This was obviously an important experience for you. That's what the prompt asks. How does it relate to the person you are? You've described it very well.

This is one of the few essays I've read that didn't seem forced. Your language feels natural, and you were just relating an experience as it happened, and what you learned from it. As a result, you are a much more attractive student prospect than if you had not had the experience. I honestly think that's what schools are looking for, that flexibility and adaptability you are going to need to negotiate four years or more of college.

Undergraduate / Playpuses and Scotch Tape --CalTech Prompt [3]


Careful here--even Einstein didn't succeed every time.

This is a very interesting piece. Theoretical physics. What experiences have you had aside from documentaries to show that you know what it all is? Your mathematics acumen? I know it's all implied, but there should be a definitiveness about it too. How would the committee know that it's not just a whim of yours and that you talk a good game?

Undergraduate / 'Promotion of higher thinking' - stanford a good place for you - edit [10]

It's hard for a first-gen college student to figure this out. Having not heard any college tales growing up, you really have to imagine more than know at this point.

I didn't think that your comments about your upbringing were necessarily negative. At least some sense of realism is important too. I would keep that sense and extend it to Stanford as well, knowing that it isn't a perfect place but that it has the potential to change your life in very positive ways. Then it won't seem so much worshipful as just realistic.

Undergraduate / I cannot wait to get to know you; Stanford Supplement - roommate [7]

I think the essay is very well-done. If I were your prospective roommate, I'd be very much interested in getting to know you, and I would hope that my own experiences would interest you as well. Maybe you could teach me to appreciate lacrosse, or find things we have in common that we could share.

Your adjective use is just about right, too. Not so many as to confuse, just enough to make pictures in the mind.

Undergraduate / 'learning about different cultures' - UMich Short Answer-Diversity [4]

The essay flows well, and that's a good thing. And i know that you have a word limit, so there isn't much more you can do.

What puzzles me is how one visual experience without others in which you actually participated can make that much difference. These kinds of learnings are most typically cumulative--the first experience awakens, the next ones confirm the original thought, subsequent ones begin to change the core of who you are and how you perceive the world.

My reaction would be that this is a nice fluff piece designed to impress rather than inform.

Undergraduate / UC app. prompt#1 "My parents" [6]


This should be 'emigrated.' It's the difference between coming and going.


Unfortunately, no one ever speaks this way. It sounds stilted and artificial, like you were looking for some snappy way to say something simple. But in my experience, simple is always better in these essays. Always try to be clear and direct.

Undergraduate / Describe something in your life that has been meaningful to you. [3]


Did you know that this is actually a negative term? The proper word here is fame.


This is 2 sentences that don't fit very well together as one. Separate them and make 2.

Writing Feedback / 'an evil demon' - It was only a dream; essay [4]

If you want your writing to really sizzle, use fewer adjectives and more expressive verbs. That will help you keep your word count stable, and also give you some interesting ways to express things.

Writing Feedback / Romanticism - British literature essay. i need a good proofread. [3]

I'm also glad that you made references to the poets. But I think there's some information here that came from other sources, too, and that also needs to be referenced.

Like EFKevin said, organization is the main thing. Those are some very long paragraphs you have there. Break them up into smaller bits.

Undergraduate / "I must form a balance between the world about me and the world inside me" - NU supplement [6]

The structure is weakened by your very long paragraphs. You definitely need to break that up into smaller chunks.

And since you're writing about balance, you really ought to be balanced with the essay. Move through the points logically, clearly and directly.