Undergraduate / 'beyond the realm of traditional engineering' - why Northwestern/engineering? [4]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

Northwestern University strikes me as a school that has it all: academic excellence, an unbeatable location on the shores of Lake Michigan, and a host of kooky traditions like "primal scream" and "painting the rock". Ever since I visited the Evanston campus this year, I have truly been able to see myself as a Northwestern student-studying at the University Library, passing out stickers with the Happiness Club, and joining a community of fellow Wildcats dedicated to making the most of their undergraduate experiences. As one of the top universities in the nation, Northwestern will provide me with an education of the highest caliber, and I know that the opportunities available at Northwestern will prepare me to succeed long after graduation.

The school that I am applying to- the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Sciences-particularly appeals to me because its focus extends beyond the realm of traditional engineering. While many engineering departments at other colleges emphasis merely the technical aspects of engineering, the McCormick School is committed to teaching students "whole-brain engineering". When I went to an information session at the engineering college, the assistant dean, Mr. Holtgreive, spoke about how Northwestern students not only learn the fundamentals of engineering, they design solutions to problems and learn how to innovate; in short, they learn how to think like engineers. I find this approach to be forward thinking and unique, and I believe that the "whole brain" engineer training taught at Northwestern University is exactly what we need to move forward in the 21st century.

Another thing that I like about Northwestern is that, unlike many other schools that have made the transition to semesters, Northwestern remains on the quarter system. At Northwestern, I would be able to major in engineering and also pursue a minor in English (something I've always wanted to do), all while graduating in four years. The freedom with which the quarter system allows students to explore their interests is something I greatly appreciate and would take advantage of. Outside the classroom, Northwestern offers many ways for students to explore their interests as well. Through organizations such as Habitat For Humanity and Boomshaka, I would be able to continue my interests in volunteering and dance and become a true member of the Wildcat community.

All in all, Northwestern University's top-notch academics, beautiful surroundings, and wealth of opportunities make it one of my top college choices. It's McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Sciences is the perfect place for me to learn engineering from a creative, design-oriented perspective, and its wide range of extracurricular offerings would make it easy for me to get involved on the campus community. I believe that Northwestern is the perfect place for me, and I can't wait to be a Wildcat.

...I feel like the last two paragraphs of my essay suck. What should I do to fix them?

Undergraduate / 'communities of the modern era' - Lehigh University: equity and community [2]

In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st century society?

Equity, the way I see it, is the quality of fairness in a community that enables equal opportunity and treatment for all people. It is what keeps a community alive and healthy, and without it, communities can quickly disintegrate. What is a community? The simple definition is a group of people with a common interest. However, in defining communities that are stable, equity must be included as a necessary factor, because it is the glue that holds a community together. When communities abandon equity, the results can be downright disastrousïprotest movements turn into bloody revolutions; social networking sites become channels for cyber-bullies; neighborhoods fall apart. But when the individuals in a community learn to appreciate one another and treat each other fairly, the communal bond becomes stronger, and each individual becomes empowered. In today's society, it is imperative that we recognize the importance of equity. To continue moving ahead and making positive advancements in the 21st century, we must learn to display equity toward one another, to work together cooperatively, and to truly respect one another as unique individuals. If we all do this, there is no limit to what the communities of the modern era can achieve.

Undergraduate / 'a much better sense of my personality' - Boston University--roomate essay [4]

It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are?

Hello roomie! Given the fact that we will be spending lots of time together at BU, I think it is important that I tell you a few things about myself. To start off, I am very energetic person by nature, and you will often find me engaged in random, spur-of-the-moment activities: baking muffins in the middle of the day, inventing crazy dance moves, occasionally even bursting into song. I like to get out and keep myself busy throughout the day, so you probably won't find me in my dorm room too often-if you do, there's a good chance I'm sleeping. I'm pretty much always in a good mood, so if you ever need someone to cheer you up, just look for me!

When all my energy is burnt out, I'm quite the pro at relaxing. One of my favorite hobbies is going to Barnes & Noble and plopping down in a fluffy chair with a good read in one hand and a caramel macchiato in the other. My favorite things to read are periodicals-anything from Time to People to Psychology Today-though I'm also a good fan of the "bestsellers" section. Reading has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I can recommend some great books to you if you're a literary nut like me. Additionally, I also love sprawling on my couch with a bowl of ice cream and watching English movies. Have you seen An Education or Notes on a Scandal? If you haven't, you absolutely must! They're wonderful movies, and I would love to watch them for a second time with you.

I'd love to tell you more about myself, but I feel that the best way for you to get to know me is by just hanging out with me. So what do you feel like doing? Grabbing coffees at Starbucks? Catching a show at the Boston Playwrights Theatre? Having a cheesy dance party to 80's music? Whatever we do or wherever we go, I'm sure that you'll get a much better sense of my personality. In the meantime, I can't wait to learn more about you!

Undergraduate / 'Small things have the potential to create an impact' - OSU Honors [3]

Please tell us about a book that has influenced you, from any point in your life. Rather than retelling the story, please concentrate on why the book influenced you.

Of all the books I've read, the biography Jane Addams: Spirit in Action, by Louise Knight, has been the most influential. This biography tells the story of Jane Addams's life and her many accomplishments, including founding Hull House at age 29, cofounding the NAACP and the ACLU, and becoming the first American woman to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 1931. What I found inspirational about Jane was her unstoppable drive; she was not just a dreamer but a doer. Unsettled by the social, economic, and political problems surrounding the nation at the time, she resolved to take action to try to fix them. She felt that her sense of purpose only became clear through helping others, and it became her life goal to change the world for the better. She became an advocate for women's suffrage, joined the settlement house movement, and spoke out on civil rights and pacifism. Although there were many obstacles at the time that stood in her way, she did not allow them to hinder her progress; rather she continued to do all that she could to better the lives of those around her. Reading about Jane Addams's perseverance and the incredible change she brought about made me realize the importance of service. Every person, I believe, has the power to make a difference in the world. Although some problems are too big for me to solve on my own, there are several opportunities to create change in my neighborhood, and I want to take advantage of every opportunity I can. Even the small things I do, like tutoring and participating in schoolyard cleanups, have the potential to create an impact. Throughout my life, I want to continue to actively give back to my community, and one day, I hope to become a member of the Peace Corps. Even though I am just one person, I believe that I can create a positive change. Spirit in Action made me realize that with a strong purpose and direction, there is no limit to what one can achieve.

Undergraduate / 'student engagement and outsanding academics' - supplement --Why Duke?? [3]

Duke University strikes me as a school that has it all: academic intensity, school spirit, and a commitment to service. As a student intending to double-major in psychology and biology, Duke will provide me with an education of the highest caliber-one that that is research-oriented, interdisciplinary, and rigorous, and that will help me reach my eventual goal of becoming a medical doctor. Duke's Small Group Learning Experiences requirements are a particular draw for me, as I feel that being part of a close-knit classroom setting would allow me to become truly engaged in meaningful discussions. I also am interested in The Duke Undergraduate Research Society, through which I would be able to explore my curiosity for the sciences and broaden my knowledge through undergraduate research. Though the pathway to medical school is a difficult one, I know that a Duke education, full of challenges and inspiring academic inquiry, will be the best means of preparation.

Besides the outstanding academics, Duke also possesses a strong sense of student engagement. One program that stands out to me is Duke Engage, which allows undergraduates the opportunity to spend a transformative summer meeting a community need through immersive service. I would love to be a part of Duke Engage, as I believe that it represents the most important and fundamental use of education-service to others. Of the several programs offered, I am most interested in program in Kenya-Mombasa, which aims to help undergraduates address social, economic, health, environmental, and educational issues in the country. My interest in this specific program stems from my interest in humanitarian efforts in Africa, which I developed while writing a research paper in my sophomore English class and while researching African education for a Model UN conference. Reading about Africa's economic and educational state made me realize the need for action to be taken; action that would be most effective if pursued through active partnership with locals. Being able to spend a summer in Kenya working with community members to solve local problems would be a meaningful experience for me, an experience that would allow me to fulfill my passion for service and make a real difference. More than being a mere summer opportunity, I feel that the Duke Engage program represents the spirit of the university as a whole: ambitious and compassionate, with a commitment to making a positive impact on the world. It is this spirit that has convinced me that Duke University is the place I want to be able to call home.

Undergraduate / Why Penn?--interest in psychology, being a tutor [2]

Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

My love affair with psychology blossomed in the summer of 2010. It had been a rather uneventful day and out of a natural curiosity and a desire to ease my boredom, I picked up my brother's Psychology 101 textbook and decided to read it cover to cover. It took me about three days to read the entire 400 page volume, but in those few days I quickly developed a fascination with the workings of the human mind. How come an upside-down picture of George Bush photoshopped with creepy-looking eyes and a mouth looks the same as a right-side up picture of an un-photoshopped Bush? How does short-term memory differ from long-term memory? Why do so many people believe in ESP? As the textbook discussed the role of human thinking in explaining these phenomenons and others, I began to realize the importance of psychology in our everyday lives. Eager to explore further, I soon started subscribing to Psychology Today magazine and became engrossed by its interesting articles on topics like how genetic patterns influence behavior and what factors lead to addiction. My interest in psychology only grew from there.

As a high school senior intending to major in psychology, the College of Arts and Sciences at the University of Pennsylvania is the perfect learning environment for me to pursue my passion. The psychology department at the College is one of best in the world, and will provide me with a high quality education and plenty of research opportunities. Besides taking classes in the department, I intend to pursue my interest further by joining the Undergraduate Psychology Society, which unites students interested in the field of psychology through regular events and which publishes its own journal, Perspectives in Psychology. Being a part of this society would allow me to share my passion for psychology with other students outside the classroom, and it's a club that I can see myself becoming very involved in.

In addition to its world prominance in the field of psychology, the University of Pennsylvania has many other attributes that appeal to me. The university offers a plethora of extracurricular opportunities, and I know I can find clubs that suit my various interests, such as Baroque Ensemble, Quaker Girls Dance Team, and Mock Trial. One organization that particularly interests me is West Philidelphia Tutoring Project. Tutoring is something I've been involved with for the past four years, and it's something that has truly enriched my life and made my high school years fulfilling. I even became involved in tutoring during my summer break trip to Taiwan, where I was able to volunteer at a village library for two months, helping local schoolchildren learn to read and speak English. Being a tutor for the West Point Philidelphia Tutoring Project will allow me to use my passion for tutoring to make a contribution in the Penn community, as well as in the greater Philidelphia community.

When I think of the University of Pennsylvania, I think of a school that is outstanding in terms of both academic quality as well as community engagement. It is a place where innovative thinking is fostered and practical knowledge explored, but also a place where students are actively involved in extracurricular life and contributing to the Penn community. Its top-ranked psychology department is the ideal learning environment for me to begin my journey towards becoming a psychologist, and its outside-curriculum offerings provide hundreds of opportunities for me to get involved on campus. There's no place I'd rather go than U.Penn.

Any advice? I need to cut it down and I also think my last sentence is pretty weak.

Undergraduate / 'love of reading' - U.Penn supplement [4]

the question is 'introduce yourself to Penn' and the limit is approx. 150 words. Here it is:

To me, nothing beats spending a lazy Sunday morning reading a great book. Reading is a hobby I cultivated way back in elementary school, and it's been one of my primary sources of pleasure since then. The magical thing about books is that not only are they wholly entertaining, they help me develop new angles on life. When I am truly impacted by a work of literature, my mind opens and I begin to see life from all sorts of new perspectives. Reading The Joy Luck Club made me more aware of the rifts between my mother and me and caused me to ponder my cultural identity. Jane Addams: Spirit in Action helped instill in me a dedication to compassionate living and opened my eyes to social injustices. These books and several others have caused me to experience paradigm shifts where I re-evaluated my worldview and became more attuned to who I really am. I can't think of any other hobby that has been so good for me.

Does it flow nicely? Any criticisms?

Undergraduate / Cornell Univ. essay "Playing piano for patients" [4]

Here's my essay for the Common app:

It was a few days before Christmas, and I was driving to Graceworks, a psychiatric home. Once there, I would be performing keyboard music for the hospital's annual Christmas party. As our minivan drove down the slushy road, I thought about the patients I would be playing for, whom I'd met a few days ago. All of the patients had some type of disability; some had multiple. One of the most interesting people I met was an elderly lady who refused to go anywhere without her baby doll. Even stranger than this, she had an extremely hoarse voice that resembled a man's. One of the workers told me that her voice often scared people; whenever she went out and tried to start a conversation with somebody, they wold often get frightened and distance themselves. I only had time to meet a few more patients, but by the time I left, I felt thoroughly depressed. Most of the people I'd met were in wheelchairs, and only two of them could talk normally. Their entire lives seemed to be limited by things they had no control over, and they seemed extremely isolated, both psychologically and physically. Their lives were so drastically different than mine that I had no idea how to communicate with them. I wanted to connect with them somehow, but I felt as though we lived in different worlds. I hoped that a little piano music could brighten their day, but I was unsure. After I'd arrived at Graceworks and set up my keyboard, I placed my fingers on the keys and started playing 'The Christmas Song'. Initially, many of the patients didn't seem to notice. They were all sitting around the room, eating dinner. But as I continued to play, a few patients moved themselves in their wheelchairs to where I was playing. They were quiet at first, simply watching and listening. But then they started to make strange noises. The lady with the deep voice started grumbling something that sounded like, "Mmmm, Mmm". Another person started grunting. I didn't know what it meant, but I kept playing. After I'd finished a jazzy version of 'Feliz Navidad' the lady with the deep voice cleared her throat and said, "I liked that one." When I heard those words I felt encouraged because I realized I was beginning to truly connect with the patients. They were listening to the music, and they enjoyed it! Originally I hadn't understood why some of the people were making odd noises, but now I realized that it was their expression of joy. Thirty minutes later, I had finished playing all my songs and it was time for me to go home. The people who had come up close to watch wheeled themselves back to the dining room and started making cookies. The people who had been eating dinner before slowly finished up. Nothing really had changed. But inside me, I felt uplifted. Seeing the people respond to the music made me realize that I could make a difference, even if it was through something as simple as playing Christmas songs. My piano skills weren't the best, but they adh allowed me to connect with the patients in a way deeper than I had thought possible. Through music, the boundaries between us were broken.

-This is my first draft, please criticize and give suggestions!