Undergraduate / 'to finish the film he had started' - My Williams Looking Through a Window [5]

Wow!! Really great essay...What an innovative approach to the topic!!!

His hair is greasy,greasy and his t-shirt's too big.

Good Luck =)

Undergraduate / 'heart for humanity' - volunteer experience for common application [4]

Hi Jennifer,

I like your essay :) I would suggest adding a little more emotion to it. The ending is really nice.

In 2006, I volunteered at Queen Elizabeth Home of Children in Grenada to teach the orphans (Since your just introducing the topic, I don't think an article would be needed here) for two hours per week.

All the Best !!!

Undergraduate / "The Dream" - Transfer Application essay [6]

Hi :)

....I plan on continuing my education and havingobtaining a Masters degree in either the field of nanomechanics or robotics. (I think you should decide upon a single degree to mention in your essay - either Nanomechanics or Robotics)

....Nikola Tesla who improvesimproved the lives of people around the world.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Weight of people is increasing-- causations and resolutions [4]

Hi,

In conclusion To conclude, individuals should change their perception about life style and attempt to adopt healthy habits.

Also, just space out the paragraphs a little :)

All the Best!!!

Letters / (professional designer and design entrepreneur) - My cover letter [3]

Hello,

Maybe you should space out the paragraphs a little more so that the reader will find it easier while reading through your covering letter...

Following my graduate study in BM with minor study in entrepreneurship, I aim to start my own start up (it seems like there's a repetition here, instead use the word venture) and, in the long term, to establish a business consultancy for companies to have a valuable strategy.

Cheers!

Letters / (the Worldwide Study project) Motivation Letter for studying abroad during university [2]

I think you should work on your second para, listing all the courses you want to attend...why you would like to attend...and most importantly YOUR CHARACTER AND STRENGTHS (Since that's mentioned in the prompt)

Good Luck!

Speeches / whether a big university or a small colleges - speech correction [2]

You are wondering either apply into large college or small college for your studyingwhether to study in a large or a small college ? In my opinion, small colleges are a better for you your choice. There are some reasons why I have to say that.

Firstly may be small colleges don't have many majors for students to choose(or don't offer many majors), but they bring to students many hands-on learning oportunities, focus on students' future careers. (I think you should rephrase the sentence cuz it seems like there aren't many majors, thus limiting one's scope)

Secondly,some ....

I think the sentences are a little disconnected. Stick to the same points or you could add a couple of them, but try rephrasing the para from the beginning...

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Chanhe makes our lives better' - SAT test [5]

Hi Kim,

Just a couple of things...

The cellular phone was invented 1970ths.

Write a line on how change has affected u :)

Good luck on your SATs!

Writing Feedback / 'seat belt laws' - GED Practice Essays [6]

Some people believe it is harmful for both parents of a preschool child to work outside the home, others do not feel this way.
State your point of view in an essay. Give specific examples to support your view. Use your personal observations,experience,and knowledge

Preschoolers need time and attention more than anything....
A new study shows....(if u happen to have read about it in a recent report/article)
Parental guidance and attention is essential at elementary stages...

Despite laws that require people to wear seat belts, many people still do not wear them.
Write an essay explaining why people do not buckle up. Use your personal observations,experience,and knowledge to support your view.

-Maybe it would not seem cool?
-Maybe they are just ignorant
-Careless?

Undergraduate / 'personal attention from my professors' - Lynn University Admissions [6]

Nice para, but focus onWHY LYNN? is it the academics? the campus? you could also mention the part that it is located near Miami a little later..

I like the idea about the fact that you will receive greater attention at the university though :)

Cheers!

Poetry / I have to write a Poem Review (but I've never read any English poems!) [14]

Hi Ruth,

I was wondering if you could write on 'Psalm of Life' by H W Longfellow or 'After Apple Picking' by Robert Frost. They are both wonderful poems and every line is symbolic.

Try to analyze the literal meaning as well as what it means to you and put forward your perspective as well.

Good Luck :)

Student Talk / Can you teach me how to write and speak in English... [11]

Hi Mariam,

It's really nice that you'd like to learn English =)

You could try reading newspapers everyday..even if it's only 10 minutes, you could start with shorter books and slowly progress to longer ones.
You could also try Wren and Martin High School Grammar.
Try to speak in English to one of your friends who know you well and will be able to provide valuable suggestions and corrections.

Don't get discouraged! Being self-confident is the most important thing :)

Here's hoping that you master English!!!! Good Luck

Essays / Writing about dolphins and whales using literary devices [8]

Hi Vinnie,

You could probably write on the following:

1. Why dolphins are different? because they are friendly? sociable?
2. Maybe ur experience with dolphins? if u've had any... ;)
3. Try 2 be precise but still convey your idea on the subject cuz u get 2 write only a para.

All the Best!!!

Writing Feedback / My essay about positive things about an accident - Introduction. [6]

Hi Andrew,

Maybe you could stick with the intro as it is... :)

I found another error : The only thing keeping(I think it should be 'that kept' instead) me alive was my life vest,....

Cheers!

Undergraduate / 'to commmit a hundred percent of my focus' - The Art Institute essay [3]

Hi,

Just a couple of things:

Anyway, as you may tell, my overallultimate ....

With the education thati could obtain The education and enriching experiences that the Art Institute provides will enable me...\

Nice essay but you should write more on the why and what of your career goals...maybe you could change the intro a little...

Good Luck with your Application!!! :)

Writing Feedback / My essay about positive things about an accident - Introduction. [6]

Hey :)
Just a correction:

Most of us at one time or another have had life-changing experiences.

As u suggested, you could move the story to the body paragraph since your intro is a little long.

I like the description though. Good Luck!

Undergraduate / 'an innocent man is in prison' - Why you're applying to *blank* school - Rice [4]

From the pictures I have seen of the campus, it seems that it has alush, green scenery.

This That inspired me...barely on the map , can become a successsuccessful with the proper education,...

Make the last line more catchy...also, I just felt that you could write a sentence or two on 'WHY RICE?' ..It's a really nice motivation you've described..but a line on what makes its education different will really help..Like:

1. Its unique degrees
2. Outstanding faculty
3. Exchange Programs/etc

Wishing you All the Best!

Letters / 'she studied very hard and graduated' - letter of recommendation [7]

Hi,

Just a couple of things...

I have known her well 4 years, as she was my student of Tourism management for 4 years. (There's a repetition here. .I think it should go like: I have known her really well for 4 years as she was my student in Tourism Management)

....every aspect and holds has held the highest position in her class's rating for four consecutive years.

....communication ability, compared withto my other students.

I think everything else has been corrected already..

Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / 'an innocent man is in prison' - Why you're applying to *blank* school - Rice [4]

Hi,

Really Good Essay.A completely new approach :)

I believe that of all the schools of study offered at Rice, the School of Social Sciences will be the best one tothat would enable me to prepare for a law degree degree in Law.

Add a sentence what aspect of Law School at Rice University makes it unique.

All the BEST!!!

Undergraduate / 'As an introvert' - a person essay is past boyfriend appropriate? [3]

Hey Madison,

I really like your essay. It's so well-written and expressed, at the same time conveys the key points.
Just a suggestion, but maybe you could add more on how this influence has had a profound impact on you in a positive way - Describe the change in your character/How it's made you confident/outspoken/etc.

Also mention a line or two about how this impact will help you at the college that your applying if selected.

Cheers and Good Luck!

Undergraduate / 'selfless, giving, and caring' - Dominican University- Nursing Supplement Prompt [4]

Hi!

A well-written essay! You are answering the question, while also explaining what inspired you.
Maybe u could add another line or two about what you hope to achieve through the profession.

Just a couple of errors...
...me from the age of four years old .

When my grandmother was ill,

Here's wishing you All the very Best!!!

Scholarship / Scholarship Introduction: Right to the point or an anecdote? [6]

Hey Rachel :)

Congrats on being selected for 3 scholarships :)

I just thought that you could do away with the first line...make it something more catchy, that would stand out.

Also, I think it's Human Resources

.... expand my knowledge base and to travel and provide opportunities for me to travel.

In addition, I have undertaken undertook work experience during my senior year of study as a means of broadening my skills and knowledge outside a school environment.

Great Points! Wishing you All the Best!

Undergraduate / Artist statement, photography major [5]

Hey :)

Really nice essay!

....fascinated ...

...a longing for all things past and somber.

Good Luck!!!

Undergraduate / 'to test valor' - Relate interest in studying at Georgetown to your goals [10]

Wow! It's so wonderfully written and directly conveys why you'd like to join Georgetown. There aren't any grammatical errors I found :)
All the Best!

Undergraduate / Learning From My Dissapontments (saint marys supplement) [5]

Hi,

Just edited a couple of things:

...that doesn't mean the disappointments don't still hurt.

My team,, my sisters(I don't think uve got to mention it here) worked so hard to get that far....

I feel like maybefelt like , if I had the chance again, I could...

It was the worst and most terrifying experience of my life when it was discovered that my mom had a tumor in her spine, then another tumor in her spine and then another...

Also, you could create a smoother transition between the various disappointments mentioned because they seem a little disconnected in the essay.
Good Luck :)

Undergraduate / 'bad feelings and dark days' - a personal hardship and it's significance [6]

Hi,

Just to cut down on the words to make it below 500,

I remember being five years old and having my birthday party in a McDonaldsmy fifth birthday party at McDonalds with all my cousins, running around, eating nuggets and fries, and just making a mess.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / UC Berkeley Questionnaire on Disability [11]

Wow! Great Responses. I almost found no grammatical errors :)

I just corrected two which I found.

In Question 2:

While working in groups, I would be askingask my peers numerous questions about what to do next or what to...

In Question 4:

.... personal psychologist who would talk withto me on a weekly rather than a monthly basis.

All the Best with your Application!!!

Undergraduate / 'My father had been my inspiration' - Engineering Essay - UofT [2]

Hi, I liked your essay :)I just corrected a couple of things in the revised version.

....lives by installing an artificial leg, allowing a disadvantaged victim to produce a walk or runenabling a disadvantaged victim to walk or run .

As I progressed throughoutthrough high school,...

I apply those skillskills ...

Have a great day!
Cheers

Undergraduate / (My exploration / Autism) - UC Essays Review [2]

Hi

Great Essay!!!

I just corrected a few of errors I found:
I came to the realization that I had the ability tocan control my behavior and participate in new experiences at the same time.

This led me to strive for more greater opportunities where I can could discover who I truly am was and ...

My exploration not only made me more sophisticated but also altered how I view autismmy view towards autism.

I have heard stories of famous autistic people such as Temple Grandin who have climbed up the societal ladder by simply finding where their true passions liediscovering their true passions and acting upon them.

My individual progress began when I found occasions where I can discover who I truly amthat enabled me to discover who I really was and what I aspired to be .

All the best with ur application :)

Undergraduate / The Blind Boy That Taught Me How To See / RISD [5]

Hey :)

Great Essay! Your description is really good. I didn't find any grammatical errors. =)
Just a suggestion: maybe you could cut out one sentence and add the link that you mentioned at the end.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / 'sharing a goal common to many immigrants' - Help OSU short answer [3]

Hi :)

Its a wonderful essay that you've written, which has really good transition. I just thought that you could add the line, 'Helping and becoming friends with people has been two of my greatest strengths.' somewhere in the middle, because that's the main point in your essay while answering the essay prompt. Also, describe in one sentence why it is something that you do really well that stands out from rest of your strengths/talents.

All the Best with your Application!
Cheers.

Undergraduate / Engineering Leaders: Experience inside/outside of class -USC Suppelment [6]

Your welcome! I guess if its the usual length of essays submitted, you could stick to this length. Maybe you could add just one sentence on how USC's degree is going to help you explore the indoor/outdoor experiences. Like what makes that degree different from the rest of the colleges.

I think all the grammar parts are fine.

All the Best!

Undergraduate / Engineering Leaders: Experience inside/outside of class -USC Suppelment [6]

Hi, I just read through your essay.

I feel that you could describe more on the experiences you would like to explore indoor/outdoor with greater detail. I have edited the essay, where I found a couple of grammatical errors. Here's the revised edition:

Engineers in various sectors, don't just solve everyday problems or work on computers or build the technology of today's world, rather they find alternate ways in which we they can enhance our world to make it a better place for everyone. They do so by finding ways to make certain hazardous jobs more safer for people to work and aim at increasing efficiency and specialization. As a student, I would like to have more hands on learning experiences in systematic design and implementation incorporates service design and aerodynamics...

I like a couple of the points mentioned though.
Good luck with your application to USC! :)

Writing Feedback / 'English classes' - Favorite academic class [3]

Hi :)

I just went through your essay. I feel that you could mention a little more about how English has helped you and what differentiates it from the other subjects that you learn at school. Also, you could cut down on the 'research' part.

Overall, I liked your essay =)

Undergraduate / 'A dozen gleaming faces' - Common app short answer [2]

Hi,

I think that your essay is wonderful!

The only thing that I felt that you should add is some of the things that you do when you go to visit the children or a line on how pleased they were when you visited them.

Otherwise, it's a great essay that you have.

All the best!

Undergraduate / USC Viterbi Q/A -- 1) Experience In/Out of Class, 2) Embrace as a geek? [2]

Hi,

I just read through your first essay.

I think u can describe more about the inside/out-of-classroom experiences that u would like to explore. I like a few of the lines though.

I also edited a few parts:

Inside of the classroom, my fellow students and my teachers are my greatest assets, for they are the ones that who can help shape my future into a successful life.

Since USC is dedicated to nurturing its students to become asuccess successful.

I would like to start things off begin by...

Cheers :)

Undergraduate / Parsons Admission Essay - What influenced me to want to get into graphic design [5]

Hi,

I like your approach to the essay and do feel that it is a wonderful way to describe your interest in graphic designing. I just edited a couple of grammatical errors which I found.

My father was a youth ministry pastor that who used a different approach when (im not sure but won't it be 'while' instead of when?) preaching to us kids.

...attention and to communicate to with us better

Maybe u could put this sentence as the opening sentence to your essay : My interest in visual art began when I realized you could use illustrations to say anything.

Great Essay! All the best :)

Scholarship / 'make the world a happier place' - WPI What great world problem would you solve? [3]

Hi,

I just edited a few parts:

1. Ten years ago, I visited my mother's home village for the first time on Tet holidays.
2. The trip completely transformed my life.
3.There were no steady chairs and tables, however, his family welcomed us with smiles and warm hugs.
4. During my stay at the village ....
5. Having listened to my mother narratives about how harsh life the countryside was, I never really had a idea of it until I witnessed it with my own eyes.

6. The stories with my witnessing stroke me hardThe stories that I heard deeply affected me .
7. I understood that poverty is a serious problem that needs to be eliminated, not only in Vietnam but also all over the world.
8. I With unlimited resources, I would like to make transportation much easier and thus, decrease significantly the fee, thus, make food and sufficient supply available everywhere in the world. I will devote my life to make the world a happier place where every child can go to school and every person can live to the fullest.

you could also mention what ur objective is in the first para - like what problem you would like to solve/invention u would like to create

I liked the description though.

Good luck on ur scholarship :)

Undergraduate / 'waste management in the Shrine' Essay: What should your teammates know about you? [3]

Hi,

I like the various points mentioned in your essay, but I feel that the essay is not directly answering the topic given, you could probably add the following:

1. Directly convey that quality of yours which your teammates would like to know in the first para itself instead of the last para
2. Mention what u wanted 2 achieve at the end of the trip somewhere in the beginning of the essay
3. I also feel that u could cut down on the description of the place a little and add a liitle more about urself/qualities that make u different.

Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'I can vividly envision myself on campus' - Peddie [11]

Hey,

I like your approach to the essay and the revised edition has a smooth flow. I suggest that you also mention what department at Peddie appeals to you and why.

Good luck on your application!