Scholarship / This village had only one primary school - my experience [3]

Sanda, your essay is too long. Yes, I mean too long but well detailed.

I was born and grew up in
Riangaketh village, Aweil East
County in South Sudan where
community is in desperate need of
education. This village had only one
primary school since I was not
born up to 2008before I was born till 2008.whichThe school
accommodates a total number of
1800 pupils and above. Due to
overpopulation in this school, I and
three other friends of mine (Gabriel
Malong, Malong Mawien and Abuor
Gordon Nhial), came up with the
decision of forming a community
based organization to promote
education in the rural areas.
We called a meeting in Riangaketh
town to discuss this issue of
overpopulation in the school and
to pave athe way out,ofon how we couldcan
address this issue. Luckily,
community turned up in a large
number to attend the meeting
which we set to take place on 13
January 2008. In our meeting we
discussed about making
contribution to form a community
based organization which will deal
with the provision of scholastic
materials and opening up new
primary schools within the area to
reduce overpopulation in
Riangaketh Primary School. Some
elders supported our idea while
others were complaining that it
might be a scamming trick to take
advantage of what the community will
contribute.
Despite mistrust from some of
community members, ex-chief gave
our decision go-ahead to walk in
all households collecting whatever
a person can afford to contribute.
With no surprise we were able to
collect 100 cows and 250 goats Sounds like exaggeration. Why multiple of 10s? .
Though some people were
doubtful that we will use these
contributions for our personal
benefits, they contributed
generously towards our proposed
project. We were able to raised
65200 Sudanese Pounds
equivalent of 13800 US Dollars
after selling both cows and goats.
We then called a meeting again to
alert the community about what
we collected. As we told them that
we had collected 100 cows and
250 goats which we sold at 65200
Sudanese Pounds, everyone was
smiling saying that we have done
our part let's see those
contributions die in your pockets.
We could not mind of all these
insults but we need to prove them
wrong by implementing the project
successfully. We therefore decided
to form an organization that would
be linked with Catholic Church so
that they could help us in times of
hardship. As I had learned the
Spanish word "Cabra" which
means goat in English from Father
Diego, a priest from Spain, we
therefore named the organization
as Cabra Academic Missions
because there were so many goats
compare to cows.
After forming this community
based organization, we opened up
two more primary schools within
Riangaeth village which we named
Our Lady Help of Christian Primary
School and Tiitchok Mareng
Primary School respectively.
However, we did not acquire
registration certificate immediately
after the formation mainly because
we had no enough money to run
both the schools as well as
registering our organization with
the ministry of Legal Affairs of the
government of Southern Sudan, so
we had to wait until things get
better to apply for registration and
that would be after South Sudan
seceded from the Sudan.
I later on introduced our
organization to Deng Chuor, a
Sudanese born Australian citizen in
2011 who lives in Australia.
Immediately he received my
message, Deng did not hesitate to
reply saying that he will fund the
registration process of our
organization to promote education
in South Sudan. I was by then
studying in Uganda. Deng told me
to wait for him in Uganda then we
will be travelling to South Sudan
together in December 2011. He
came exactly in December and we
travelled to South Sudan. Within
December we applied for
registration certificate at the
ministry of legal affairs. Our
registration certificate was out in
March 2012 which made our
organization to be legal in South
Sudan. Currently Cabra organizes
fundraisers in South Sudan and
Australia to support the project
without obstruction because we
are legal organization. Within 2012
we signed a Memorandum of
Understanding with the Salesian
Mission in Australia so that our
donations would go directly to
their oversea funds section. Cabra
Academic Missions now supports
six primary schools in three
counties of Northern Bahr el Ghazal
State-Aweil with over 2700 pupils.
In conclusion, helping people gives
you hope for everything in life and
that was how we struggled to
establish Cabra Academic Missions
in South Sudan. This is how I have
contributed to promote education
in my community but I am still
eager to do more if God blesses me
to get better education.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, thanks for your feedback, I have written another one for the prompt two. I hope it answers all the questions in the prompt. -Challenges? - Improve lives? -My Reaction to the challenge? - what I learnt from the experience? (I'm having problem to figure out what I leant from this volunteer. Can you help with a clue?) . I used 100 words, what do you suggest I delete so that I can add what I learnt?

I have always believe if everyone can play his or her role, human community will be a better place to live. I remember when the road that serves as the usual routine for my community get flood with lots of pot holes. Realising the difficulties my family goes through to make end meet, organising a fund raising team was impossible but I had to organise a small group of my age mates to volunteer in parking sand and stone from a dump so that we can fill the loops. The filling goes a long way before the local-government chairman intervention.

Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Melramadhani, you can use my modification or use it as a template to review your essay.

I live in Madiun a city in the western part of the
province of East Java in Indonesia, an agricultural centre. With an estimated population of 300,000 people and low statistic number of people attending high
school as majority of populace focus on agriculture. I remember Having a coach for my debate team wasn't easy, as none of my english teachers have in-dept capability in debate. Even the teachers in my school couldn't trainer students for informatics olympiad and the school had limited resources to hire a professional outside the community for the training. My community members and myself, have limited resources and

reference except the internet. Filling the SAT and ACT registration forms, I couldn't find the name of any school in my city
because nobody from my city has
taken them before. I have to train
my teachers about the online
application system, as none of
them have done that before.

The taught of my community has been my driving force to apply to America college to purse my dream and gather the competency in my field of study, but I

still wish that I lived in bigger city
with bigger opportunities.
The feeling struck me most when
I'm applying to American colleges to pursuing my dream . So far, being under small resources
indeed reduces my chance.
But being under small resources
drive me to be the best in my field, giving me the opportunity to bring my desired changes to my underprivileged community. I don't want my sisters,

my future children, and my future
member of my community feel the same dilemma in the pursuit of their dreams.

I hope I help ;)

Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Let me give you my personal view about your first idea. It is more of ''personal statement'' to description of the world you're from.

Idea two is the perfect answer to your prompt.

And finally you need to brush all your ideas about the second answer to the prompt together as Massachusetts Institution of technology is a top school and competitive.

I hope I help, regarding you choosing the right answer to the prompt. ;)

Undergraduate / "Acorn" As I sat on the cold, dewy grass, warming tears flooded down my face. [4]

Okay good, I will suggest you remove that ''acorn'' that stands alone in the first paragraph.

Review your essay by adding leadership quality you will take to UCF and how your academic performances will contribute to UCF community. (because of prompt 2)

Then you can drop the review version so that people can help you with grammar check and awkward sentences.

My opinion;)

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

Vangiespen, Thanks for your helping hands. I really appreciation your help, may God bless you. Your template explain my ideas better with simplicity. Indeed it takes simplicity to learn simplicity.

Dhizzy, thanks too. I appreciate your comment and general view about my essay.

Undergraduate / "Acorn" As I sat on the cold, dewy grass, warming tears flooded down my face. [4]

Lauren, your overall idea is good but why will you incorporate both essays? Is that the requirement?

Use the above essay as the answer to the first prompt, then delete some parts.

Your second essay should detail a leadership, academic and other quality you possess that will add value to already valued UCF community. :)

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Yes I will do that tomorrow by God's grace, as we are over mid night here ;) .

thanks

Writing Feedback / About the situation of the extinct languages - [IELTS task2]: [3]

Read through, you will see my addition--->In some parts of the world, several languages are going into extinction every year due to lack of the usage by the native users as other official or adopted languages are surfacing.----->''I think you should explain this part, as couldn't got a clearer view''-- This situation can be said as the extinction of the languages. Like any extinct animals, some people would think that it is a great sadness of losing languages which used to be vividly alive in some regions, and regret not to stop losing the population. However, there is an optimistic opinion about this situation. This group states that it seems to be rational in the world with fewer languages rather than with many languages. There are two reasons to support this idea. One of the reasons why the world is a better place with fewer language is because you do not have to study foreign languages.---''

If your mother language is not international language you spend more time learning it. In contrary, if your mother language is the international languages, you can spend more time in studying other things. You would be more competent with other things rather than learning language.

----remove second reason ---
communication is made easy with international language as one can easily communicate among people that adopt the language all over of the world.
For example, for English speakers, it is not difficult to travel all around the world, as English is an international language, that is largely spoken among many people, it help traveler to enjoy their journey without any difficulties in communication with the local service and make them fit into the society perfectly. But for non English speakers, there will always be some sorts of stress in negotiations or asking questions during their trips.

----> add more words to this paragraph--
In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is better to have a few languages in the world, and people do not have to worry about the situation of the extinction of the languages every year.

Generally your ideas are good, but you need to brush everything together.

I hope others add their contribution. :)

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Vangiespen, Wow, you're amazing. I really appreciate your helping hands. Thank you very much. I really enjoy the modification.

Please can I drop two short responses of ''what my role in my house is'' and ''how my role would be taking care of when I'm not around'' on this thread? It is not an essay as it not grouped under essay but responses to the above questions. Please is my permission granted?

Scholarship / My four years plans essay when I lose this scholarship [6]

Vangiespen, thanks for your feedback, I have typed this essay, I hope this essay answer all your aforementioned questions ''If you have to pay what will that be? How difficult will it be for you to complete your studies with the finance? How do you see yourself accomplishing your goal of completing a college degree within the time frame? Would it be possible? Will it takes you longer? Do you have any back ups?''

any suggestions or general view about this new essay. I developed this essay as the scholarship focus on lowest economy disadvantage person. Thanks for rendering your helping hands.

Remembering how my parents struggled hard to enroll me and my sibling into a public high school, even sourcing for money to buy uniform, text books and bag wasn't it easy for them, as they had to reduce our daily feeding in order to buy the school uniform and we had to carry our notes book to school on our hands till they could afford polyethylene bag. As a person that knows this struggle and rigors, asking my parent to finance my university's education is very impossible as they won't be able to afford the fee and I can't get a student loan or well paid job to finance myself for now. All these set back can not make me afford a tertiary education in the next four years, so if I fail to be a X scholar, my future four years plans are very clear cuts.

Being a person that value education, ever since my graduation from high school in 2012, I have been working as a sales boy and I hope to work for more years, in order to reach a target amount that will help me finance my university education. As Abraham Lincoln said ''I walk slowly, but I never walk backward''.

My little saving might not help me to finance a university's degree in time frame of next four years but I sure know that I will hit a target some years and I solely believe when the target is reach, I will finance my education and combine a part time job to render other necessary supports.

''Consistency is an assessment, that enhance the functions of human brain''-Myself.
Working for four or more years might have a negative effect on my academics performances. But since two years ago that I graduated from high school, I had involved myself in selfless services of tutoring and counselling of younger people in my community. I hope to continue for over four years, if I don't get this scholarship. The tutoring had been helping me to updating myself academically, as I haven't have the opportunity to further my education. Talking about the outcome, I felt it has been great, as it has helped some of my community people to improve their intellectual and acquired competence in academics. The minor counselling, has been empowering them to search for knowledge, to tap their potentials and get their purpose in life.

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Vangiespen, thanks for your feedback, I have developed another essay based on your initial post. The essay answered all the aforementioned in your initial post. Which kind of activity? And why the activity? Why I'm attracted to it? How it develop me as a person?

I developed this essay based on your initial post, as I just saw your explanation of extra curricular activity after I had developed the below essay. Do I still need to develop another one? Or This essay now answer the prompt?

I hope this new essay now answer the prompt? Or what is your take and suggestions? Do you feel I should explain some part more? As there is no word limit. Are my transitions okay?

Throughout my high school, I have had the opportunity to be involved in many extracurricular activities. However, the activity that has most influence on my high school community and students was when I and a group of others founded MATHSA (Mathematics Students Association) of Ijaiye Ojokoro. The group was created when we noticed mass failure in mathematics among the students in the school and the purpose of creation was to reduce mass failure, tutor and inspire students to search for knowledge.

Being one of the officials with vast knowledge of mathematics and has represented the school and proved his ability in various competitions. I was always appointed to tutor member of the group with difficulty in the subject. I embrace this opportunity because I love to help others and I saw the opportunity as another way to hone my intellectual and put my ability in use.

Ever since the activity of the group in my school community, there has been reduction in the failure of mathematics and we have been able to tutor students that have acquired stable feat in subject. Apart from the impact of the group on my school community, my constant tutoring of the members also helped me to overcome my fear of public speaking as I can now stand in front of people and pass the appropriate information.

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Vangiespen, Thanks for your time and another positive/general feedback. I promise to review this essay tomorrow as it over mid night here. Maybe I should say I don't really understand the meaning of extracurricular activities, as I often write about my participation in competitions when asked about extracurricular activities. I pray I come up with something that is not academic incline tomorrow.

Thanks.

Scholarship / My four years plans essay when I lose this scholarship [6]

Vangiespen, thanks for your feedback and general view about my essay, I've written another one with respect to your above suggestion. I will be glad to receive your further feedback, when I'm done with the typing.

Thanks.

Undergraduate / "So what's wrong?" Shrugging "I don't know, I don't fit isn't that obvious?" [5]

Khafayah, your essay didn't answer the prompt. One day's event can't central on your background and can't give the admission officer more details about your background.

I will suggest you make reference to other essay on this forum with the same prompt (I do see many with same prompt on this forum) to develop your own.

E check forum yi da da, e ma ri essay to fi ara pe eyi ti nko yi. I'm also a Nigerian :)

I hope I help.

Writing Feedback / Traditional music has the least amount of listeners and this number is more and more shorten [2]

Nice one lee, but I point out some errors. My phone can not quote, I would have quoted the sides. But here are they;

It is the reason why the music has so many types and genres ---> It is the reason music has so many types and genres.

*could spread their messages or ideals in people -----> can pass their messages or ideals to people.

* as we remember the beetles ---> As I could remembered, the beetles

* and everybody was amazing---> and everybody was amazed

* could change the views of society ---> could changed the views of the Society.

Overall, your ideals are good.

Undergraduate / "Benvenuti in Italia!" - A part of who I am is Capri, Italy - FSU 2015 Summer Essay [4]

Laure, Nice essay ;) but I think your essay didn't answer the prompt. ''leadership, services, leaning, etc of these characteristics appeal to you most''.

Your essay only focus on how you know about FSU. I will suggests you write. :(

Scholarship / My motivation and commitment to return to Africa after graduation [4]

Please someone should help me to check for grammar error or awkward sentences in my above essay.

Thanks samra, for the correction and your general view about the essay. I really appreciate your help.

Undergraduate / Using computers as my way out - Option #1 of Common App [2]

Yes, I think you should elaborate more on why you want to be a computer programmer. Your Essay gave a clear picture of knowledge you have about computer, how you helped people with it, how it became a source of income for you and not why you want to be a computer.

Work on that now, then grammar checking/tense balancing can then follow. Tense balancing is not necessary now, to avoid double work. As you're still going to elaborate more on one point.

Overall, your essay is nice. I can view the picture you're trying to present.

Graduate / I witness numbers of people being rude or mistreating others - outrages [3]

Any word limit? Because the essay looks minimal.
'The thing that outrages me the most is,''--- Change this line. It is like repeating the essay prompt, so the admission officer can easily lose interest about your essay. Start with something catchy. Or start from here..

---> I have witnessed the accounts of people being rude or mistreating other people. This experience made me believe the golden rule that states, one should treat others as one would like them to treat one. Etc..

I hope this help

Scholarship / I wanted to stand as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role model to others [7]

Wow. Nikita, I really appreciate your review and general view about my essay. Thanks. Yes, I never knew I omitted ''father''.

Undergraduate / What single activity listed in the activity section of Application are you most proud of why? [3]

I am glad I ended up
joining this club, else I would 'of'----''have?''
never been able to witness the
impact 'you' ---''teachers?'' can have on kids and
the rewarding sense that comes
along with it. '' what if you put this lines like this?''--- through the club, I have expanded my
horizons and been able to gain
knowledge about teaching.

I agree to what vine typed, why don't you use a leadership role or competition you have won. I think that will express your ability more.

Thanks for the other review of my essay. I will like your review about my new essay.

Undergraduate / As my motto is "never settle", I'm looking for strength and power to go forward direct to my goal [3]

Hi asem, is this a scholarship essay? If yes. Please focus on your financial burden, little of your academic performance, challenges/leadership and your plan of helping others/giving back. As many, applying for this scholarship can focus on those things I pointed above and get this scholarship.

Your first paragraph is good but try limiting your use of ''and''.

As my motto is ''never settle'' ---> or you mean ''never settle for less''?

What if you put it like this--> As my motto is never settle for less, I am always searching for what to give me strength, support and power to actualize my personal and academic goals so that change my family and community status. Drawing experience from my life struggles, challenges and financial burdens I now know that through self confidence and believe I can make impossible become possible no matter how hard. -----'''then you will continue with this''' ----> I have the potential that can make me a man purse his dream and set target for his goals. In the past year, when I entered high school in Turkey, etc...(continue from that side).

Other paragraph should detail how the scholarship will help you attain your goals.

''The first cause will be you and the friends there and the different life so give me the chance to change everything by choosing me.'' ---> this lines sounds somehow and it looks like you're begging for the scholarship. ---> change the lines and let your essay and the rest, convince the officers that you merit this scholarship.

I believe you will merit this scholarship.

Writing Feedback / I hate smoking the most. People know about smoking's harmful effect, but they still smoke? [4]

Trang, I will be truthful with you, I don't really feel your essay. Is this assignment or app essay? What is the word limit and the topic?

1. Let the first paragraph be your introduction. Something like---> 'smokers are liable to die young, are boldly written on a packs of cigarette but reading and knowing the adverse effect of smoking to the health. Yet, people still indulge in smoking, some people do smoke two or three packs daily. I not only hate smoking because of the health effect but also it contribution to environmental pollution, the discharge fume affects human life indirectly as it contribute to the duplication of the ozone layers.

2. The second paragraph should contain one point. It won't be nice to start with firstly. Start the second paragraph like this---->' A dig into the number of lung cancer case reported yearly, one can basically estimates that smoking contributes to larger percentage of the reported cases. Despite the fact from the lung cancer statistic, that the main cause of lung cancer is smoking, many people still engage in the act. This which results to untimely death of smokers that can make positive impact to the development of the society.

2. I won't like you to start another paragraph with secondly, it sounds somehow. You can make it like this---> In addition, apart from lung cancer. Smokers usually have bad breath and teeth stain, that make people around them feel uncomfortable. The bad breath and teeth stain contribute negatively to their social life, as people feel uncomfortable associating with them.

3. You can then add a concluding paragraph.

Hope I help.

Scholarship / My personal, academic, challenges, and leadership essays [8]

Anybody to help me review my essay? I'm waiting for review and criticism since yesterday, as I will be submitting it this week

Scholarship / My personal, academic, challenges, and leadership essays [8]

Thanks sir, but this is a scholarship essay. Please I need more professionals to judge and help me review this essay.

Jkhalifeh93, thanks for your help, I make use of few words from your review.

This is another review from me --->

personal and academic goals 100 words maximum.

Becoming an engineer has been a lifelong dream of mine, as I have wanted to standing as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role mode to others, that the dream of higher Education is possible and upholder of liberty to liberate the generation from poverty. As an aspiring engineer, I hope to put theory into practice by developing novel structures and equipment that will improve the standard of living through poverty alleviation schemes driven by indigenous engineering innovations, which will create employment opportunities and pave ways for the younger ones to have access to quality education.

Scholarship / My personal, academic, challenges, and leadership essays [8]

Someone should please help me to review this version.

*Prompt: personal and academic goals - 100 words maximum.

I have looked forward to standing as the pinnacle of hope for my community, a figure of hope to others that the dream of higher Education is possible and upholder of liberty to liberate the generation from poverty through going to the university to hone my intellectual sides to acquire competence in stream of engineering so that I will be empower to reduce unemployment through poverty alleviation schemes driven by indigenous engineering innovations which will pave ways for the younger ones to have access to quality education as the money realise will be invested in education empowerment program.

* Community leader initiative in which you improve lives eg organising tutor, raising fund etc. - 100 words maximum.

I have played various leadership roles, one of which was when I acted as executive and co-founder of Mathematics students association(MATHSA). The group was created as a result of mass failure in Mathematics among the students in the community, our motivation was to give hope to students and support them toward achieving stable feat in the subject. As one of the officials that has vast knowledge of Mathematics and has represented the school in various competitions, I was always appointed to tutor students. The outcome has been good, as we have tutor and support students who have excell in academics.

Any grammar error or awkward statement?.

Book Reports / Santiago, Personal Legend and traveling - The Alchemist [2]

The story line is good, I can get the message you are passing through the write up but the write up looks short. Any word limit? Give more details. Your essay looks like a summary.

--->Santiago goes on an expedition that will be difficult. ---->Santiago went on an expedition that was difficult. Instead of using ' : ' why not use ' , ' comma?

Undergraduate / The sights! The smells! The sounds! The atmosphere! - VCU admission essay [4]

Let me analyse what I felt about your essay.
Paragraph one - I think you're explaining how VCU environment looks like which I believe the admission officer knows that and it somehow deviate from the prompt ''key word''.

Paragraph two - try providing details of your primary goal here. Then explain how you have prepared to achieved the goal and how you will succeed achieving this goal.

In conclusion, don't forget to include how VCU will hope you achieve the goal and how you will do in VCU.

I suggest you delete some parts of the first paragraph to reduce your word count.

Graduate / "My interest in urban studies that emerged by accident"- SOP for UCB [4]

It would be better if you change these--> ''My interest in urban studies emerged by accident'' why will you decide to study urban studies by accident? I think the statement is not good enough, the admission officer can decides that you won't succeed in that field because you want to study it by accident and not by passion.. What if you use---> ''My passion to acquire competence in urban studies was raised by an extracurricular activity in 2010. '' or something better.

''That was still lacking of participant'' ---> '' that was lacking participant''

I believe others can help more.
Hope it helps?

Scholarship / ''The greatest barrier to someone achieving their goal is their denial of it" - my goals essay [6]

From tender age, I have wanted to hone my intellectual side After I graduated from high school, have wanted to hone my intellectual side

Scholarship / ''The greatest barrier to someone achieving their goal is their denial of it" - my goals essay [6]

Thanks bro, what if I use '' After graduation from High school'' instead of '' from tender age''

which of the two essays meet the prompt demand?