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Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 433  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 440 / page 2 of 11
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Llamapoop123   
Oct 4, 2009
Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]

He's just being logically correct because the essay prompt is not in question format but that's irrelevent.

It doesn't matter if you strongly believe in something if that belief is either false, insulting, or immature.
I'm not saying that your belief is this way but from what little information you have provided us, I would say that it is inappropriate to write an essay on this topic because of the reason that Mustafa gave. It would be ok if you just talked about how there were obsticles for YOU (not "people" because generalizing is rarely correct) only because YOU allow them to be.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Being normal is overrated" - FSU essay. I need help on this... [2]

Creativity is one thing I have that others lack.

^Errr...I would like to think that I also have creativity.

I remember in kindergarten, whenever you were done with your work, you could go play with the big bucket full of Lego's in the corner.

^Unless you were in my kindergarden class (which you were not), you would not know if I played with Legos in the corner or not.

I recently saw the movie "Star Wars" and those X-Wing spaceships and I wanted to build that. So I just stuck my hand in the bucket, grabbed a handful of Lego's and spread them out on the floor. I started building and building until I was satisfied with it. I showed all my friends and they were all shocked and jealous that they couldn't make something as magnificent as mine. Even the teacher was amazed. So amazed, that she put my Lego X- Wing spaceship on top of her cabinet. I was so happy that she chose mine instead of the other kids.

^This was in kindergarden...come on. You can not use this example (I mean you can but it would just be childish).

I was the teacher's favorite student because my stories would always cheer her up since it was her last class of the day.

^Arrogant. Even if this is true and the teacher told you explicitly that you were her favorite student, it adds nothing of value to your essay. Telling a story about a cat and cheese does not impress admissions.

Same goes for your concluding paragraph. Choose a different topic and rewrite.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 28, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Passing storm' - MY FSU APPLICATION ESSAY [9]

First of all...did you run this through spell check at least? cause

xpiercnces

is is rather comical spelling choice...there are also many other misspellings.

Not until I went to my brace avsior seeking help did it hit me, Vires artes Mortes, or strengths of all kinds is something only learned through life xpiercnces.

Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

^What is a "brace" advisor? Also, as you can see, it is quite obvious that the question is asking you for life experiences so it is kind of odd that you needed an advisor to inform you of this.

You need not relive your entire thought process in your introduction.

It was demoralizing trees all over the street roofs destroyed

^Hmmm...demoralized trees.

The only thing to do was pray because you knew that was only half of the damage we still had to take the other half of the hirrucance.

^Well technically you did not see "half" of the damage.

It was hard work, tyou had the sun beating down on your back and evrytime you swung the axe you felt as if your body was going to give in ( physical vires).

^You don't need to point this out especially.

Due to my slefconfiedence(moral vires) I came out of this disaster a stronger person.

^Same here. And self confidence is not moral vires.

The aftermath of hurricane Wilma is something I will never forget and is something that taught me great streenths. Strengths that Ifeel preparre me to be a Florida State Seminole.

^Huhhhhhh????? Hurricane Wilma? I thought you were talking about Katrina???
Llamapoop123   
Sep 28, 2009
Undergraduate / MSU personal statement "How has your environment influenced you?" [4]

Due to my open-minded curiosity of what life is like outside the bubble of Macomb Township, my plans for the future are not limited to living life from a narrow perspective among SUVs and strip malls. Through knowledge and experience, I hope to expand my view of the world.

^This is way too broad. I don't think that there is one person out there who does not seek to expand his or her view of the world.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 28, 2009
Undergraduate / MSU personal statement "How has your environment influenced you?" [4]

My upbringing has turned me into a more understanding person, and it has allowed me to realize that there isn't only one correct way of life.

^Did the changing just come with time or did a certain event or chain of events make you more understanding?

I'm just wondering if you guys think this could land me a scholarship or if it's just too immature or cliche.

^It's not immature and not really cliche but it doesn't really stand out. The strongest part of your essay was the introduction but the rest of the essay rolls downhill mainly because there was no more fuel to keep it going.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Spanish for Native Speakers class' - Umich admission essay cultural difference [4]

For example beans are called frijoles in Mexico, gandules in Puerto Rico, and abichuelas in Peru.

^This doesn't really show how different each culture is.

I believe that your essay would be stronger if you showed more in depth examples of how your stereotypes were broken since the lone fact that different countries had different names for foods doesn't seem like enough.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father) [11]

There is always that certain someone who makes a profound impact on an individual's life. This person is the one that will strongly encourage you to make the right choice on the many difficult decisions you will have to confront.

^Generic and unnecessary.

Writing about suicide is not a good idea for an admissions essay.

^I'm confused...I can't see how this essay is about suicide.

I imagine that your essay will be completely different once you implement noto's advice. Why don't you go ahead and do that and repost for further feedback?
Llamapoop123   
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF ESSAY - COMING TO AMERICA; family history, culture and environment [10]

As I got off the airplane I realized what I was getting into, the people around me were speaking a language that I did not understand.

^I think that you knew that ppl where going to speak a language that you did not understand a long time before you got off the plane.

I did not belong in Venezuela because I wasn't there.

^Interesting logic.

Once you are out of your country of origin you become a person of the world rather an inhabitant from just one place. You see situations and circumstances with a different perspective while still attaining wisdom difficult to understand at my age. You become one that immigrates and you stop being part of a single culture, you become an open book and you let people color your pages, you become a mixture of folklore and cultures.

^Why do you use you you you you you instead of I I I I I.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay! [10]

Risky? yes, i know it is but its what i want to do and im not going to tell someone other wise, i tried to emphasize in the last paragraph how im not interested in the killing aspect

^Why would changing subjects mean that you would have to tell someone otherwise? The last paragraph disturbs the flow of the essay.

The first paragraph alone is questionable. It is hard to rid oneself of the negative connotations of a gun while you are describing it as an extension of your arm. I wouldn't talk about the "victim" aspect of the gun either.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Cooking, for me, is like art. Common App Short Answer [4]

I don't know about this essay. I'm not sure if admissions would like an abstract view of cooking instead of a straightforward approach since it seems that they really just want to know about your activity.

a hook for the begining!

^I think that it has a very nice hook.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Evaluating the same essay? Common App Transfer Essay Inquiry. [6]

They will be able to see your essay on this website if they actually take the time to look for it online. They don't evaluate it here on this site if that's what you're asking...they review the essay that you send to them.

I don't understadn your second question. You may include the university's name on your essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / GOOD AND BAD OF MULTICULTURL SOCIETY. DISCUSS [4]

In the past moving from one city to another city take days

^Moving does take days a lot of the time. You can't just move your body to another city and call it done.

The U.k. people contributes in the development of education where mostly highly qualified British people are working in topmost universities like Harvard and Oxford. Today they are recognised as best universities.African immigrants help in labour work in factories and industries in America.

^This is very stereotypical and naive. You can't just say that Brtish people work as respected professors whereas African Americans work as grunt workers.

In America, the Chinese people had made their own society and group where they don't allow their children to interact with Americans.The business people keep employees of their own country and sometimes they are fighting with other people on very small issues.

^Sounds like your saying...oh well english, african american, and indian people all contribute whereas Chinese people are unproductive introverts. Since when did Chinese people in general not allow their kids to interact with Americans?

You come off as really narrowminded and deluded in this essay. Revise please.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

uhhh I didn't mean to lie or joke about divorce. I only meant that you can exaggerate how it affected you. In my instance, I'm glad my parents are divorced b/c they are happier that way. So instead I wrote about the lack of stability.

^I wasn't talking about your case. I'm just saying that if divorce did not affect the writer then writing about how it did affect them would be illogical.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "difficult situations to test" - Vires, Artes, Mores, FSU addmission essay [11]

okay so after i take out the first paragraph should i expand on this idea or add another incidence?

^Don't do it!!! lol
You have an excellent (excellent as in interesting) topic to expand on. Tell us about how you came to understand your mother's choices.

Tell us about the strength it took to piece back your family.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "difficult situations to test" - Vires, Artes, Mores, FSU addmission essay [11]

Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

^This experience shows your vires without the first paragraph. You don't need to write a paragraph about strength in order for your essay to be topical. The first paragraph is a huge setback for this essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I'm like a lot of things" - Is this good? UCF/Tufts [6]

The lack of in depth examples could be excused if your writing was lively but it isn't. Finding something to compare yourself to is not very creative. It can become creative if you displayed more deep thought.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

^It seems like you really want to keep this essay. I don't believe that it could become a strong essay. The topic limits it a lot. I urge you to think of something else.

If you do not want to change your topic you can wait for others to give you suggestions because I can not think of anything right now to make your essay strong.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

And by the way Llamapoop123, I most likely won't be doing that.

^Yep. It would be pretty illogical to joke around and exaggerate with the topic of divorce.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

The admissions officers aren't going to know anything about if it really affects you or not.
And no problem =]

^Well...if you're a good lier. It kind of sounds crude to exaggerate or lie about the implications of divorce.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

The whole point was that I've always been a great student, keeping school as my number one priority.I've always worked hard and have always acheived really good grades, so calculus was the first time I worked hard and wasn't getting good results. How can I bring this out through my essay?

^We understand but this is still very very plain. The fact that you take this so seriously can also show that you are an inflexible person. Asking for help is something that should be common amongst high school students so your inability to ask for help until your grade dropped all the way to a F can be interpreted as blind arrogance.

I'm sorry but my creativity is limited. Maybe the others can offer suggestions on how to modify your piece.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

I don't know if this topic will be good enough. It's fairly standard and cliche. If the whole point is overcoming yourself and finally asking for help then I would emphasize it more.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

and it's not like i cut myself.. scars dont necessarily mean they were intentional.

^I never said that they were...

i have medical problem that makes my skin NOT heal if that makes sense... and i'm not saying my mistakes were physical.

^Yes I understand your medical problem.

i was just trying to make a correlation between mistakes in life and my medical problem. i guess i wasn't clear about it enough.

^No i get it now. In that case you should listen to cybertron.

Sorry for misunderstanding. :]
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App - Influential Person (my dad) [3]

At the age of 6 he was arrested for smuggling in illegal substances from the Dominican Republic.

^That's a pretty young smuggler.

You need to change the angle of your essay. Right now your essay basically tells me that you aren't going to become a drunk smuggler like your father was. That's not saying much for someone who is applying to college.

He apologized for not being there but he told me he now saw a man who had his eyes set on the future and wouldn't fall to the world's hardships.

^Confusing.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic [14]

His death has made me realize that I can never take anyone I love for granted.

^Expand on this. Otherwise your essay has no purpose.

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